1014: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Five, Part TwoPosted: April 8, 2015
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
Welcome back to Wednesday, patrons! With me again is Swenia.
*Taco looks over at the empty chair*
Uhh, at least she said she’d be-
*The door to the riffing chamber opens and Swenia glides into the room, dressed in a traditional furisode kimono*
“Sorry I’m late, got a little hung up.”
Do I want to know?
“Probably not, but I was hunting ninja.”
“They have more traditional tastes. Figured it’d work better than my red strapless.”
You were right, I didn’t want to know.
“On the plus side, you can hide a ton of weapons in one of these. Look at all the room behind this sash! I could fit a battle rifle in here!”
Let’s just get started before you make my head explode.
Last time our tepid heroes met up with Lavitz, the head of the Basil Knights. This meetup consists of a bunch of his underling knights getting killed while Dart and Dart Beta 1 stand there and watch. Meanwhile Lavitz tries to save the knights, but ultimately fails due to Dart and other Dart not caring enough to help out. After the knights are dead, Dart, Dart, and Lavitz fight some prison guards and then join forces. That was pretty much it.
“It felt like a lot less happened when were were actually reading it.”
With the recap out of the way, let’s see what the second half of chapter five has in store for us!
The sights they saw the prisoners in was gruesome, with some malnourished and one as nothing but a skeleton on a bed.
“I see we’re kicking off part two with some nice vague scenery.”
Trying to keep himself from puking, Stryfe proceeded with Dart and Lavitz further into the prison, fighting past any wardens that got in their way as they ascended to the upper levels.
Seriously, the dude can sling gore everywhere with a sword, but people falling off a ledge, being malnourished, or having been dead long enough to decay into a skeleton makes him barfy. Yes, much consistency.
They eventually came across a room that was heavily guarded, with no other way to proceed further at the time due to the amount of guards.
“If only we had a holocaust cloak, that would be something!”
Been diving through my movie collection, I see.
Sneaking past the guards, they ran towards one of the platforms, where they assessed the situation.
*Facepalm* So, despite not being able to proceed, they do. Just like that. What the fuck, author?
Lavitz: This room is extra tightly guarded.
“Which doesn’t matter, since you just snuck past them.”
This version of Lavitz is a bit slow on the uptake.
Stryfe: Must be something big going on in this place…
A large snafu, even. Perhaps even a giant to do.
Dart: Huh!? What’s this?
“AHA! A thing!”
That’s my line!
Dart found a key near the area he was hiding on one of the wooden crates.
Another PCC delivery, right on schedule!
“Those guys are gooooood.”
It looked peculiar, as if it was made for a specific cell in the prison.
How, exactly, does a key look like it’s made for only a specific prison cell?
“Maybe it has the words, ‘This only works in one prison cell.’ written on it?”
Well, it is a PCC product, so I won’t count that out as a possibility.
Lavitz: Take it with us. We’ll need it if the girl called Shana is under confinement.
“So long as she happens to be in the cell that the key fits.”
And isn’t shackled to the wall with something that requires a different key.
Stryfe: If Shana is here, she must be held in an area for “special” prisoners. If that’s the case…
If that’s the case, it doesn’t help you at all, because you don’t know the layout of this prison because you’ve never been here before.
“I’d probably start with the heavily guarded area.”
The place they just snuck into?
“That’s the one.”
Dart: Then this will help us break her out.
That must also be written on the key.
Lavitz: But why only that girl?
“I can think of many reasons why to only rescue the girl.”
“For one, the PCC hasn’t given them any other keys.”
Stryfe: I don’t know. But me and Dart plan to ask the head warden directly should we come across him.
“I’ve heard stupider plans.”
I’d question that, but you are from Jedi’s Destiny.
Dart: But that’s after we rescue Shana.
“They plan to ask the head warden why it is they’re only rescuing the girl after they rescue her.”
I say again: wha?
Heading back outside, they cut across a bridge connecting to another tower.
So, we’ve got outside, at least two towers, and a bridge. It’s like we’re actually there!
There, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz found themselves in an area with cells that were constructed differently from the ones they came across.
“These cells, of course, not being considered grouped with the cells that they have come across.”
It indeed was an area where the “special” prisoners of Hellena were held in captivity.
“What the fuck is the author insinuating with those quotes!?”
Maybe that these prisoners aren’t actually all that special?
“It better be, or the author is going to need a new spleen.”
Searching the cell interiors, they eventually came across a cell that was heavily guarded by three wardens.
“Wardens! You stand outside the cell when guarding it, not inside.”
Easy mistake to make.
Hellena Warden #5:
What? Where are the other four?
“They ran from the fic when they had the chance.”
Hellena Warden #5: Hey, you three! What are you doing here!? Are-are you dogs of Basil too!?
YOU! Invaders! Get you the hot bullets of shotgun to die!
Stryfe: Dart! Lavitz! Let’s shut them up before they alert the whole structure to our presence!
“A good way to maintain secrecy is shouting!”
I love sneaky shouting!
Fighting off the guards, Stryfe used the same wait-n-strike strategy as before, forcing the warden to waste all his strength, then strike as he tries to make another attempted blow.
“Which is a fucking piss-poor strategy if you have a big, heavy weapon, are trying to quickly end a fight, or silence somebody before they call for help. All three of which are true here.”
Upon cutting down the prison guard, Stryfe saw a figure in the shape of a young woman cast a shadow within the dim light in the cell.
Author, you’ve been totally worthless at describing things thus far, so don’t try to get purple on us now. Just say, ‘He saw a silhouette of a woman,’ and leave it at that. I await the Queen references in the comments.
Stryfe: Hey! Who’s in there!? Can you hear me!?
“Stryfe!? Stryfe, is that you!?”
“It’s hard to tell because of how much like Dart you are in every respect.”
Stryfe immediately recognized the voice from the cell.
Meanwhile the audience knew who this was about five sentences ago. Author, you don’t have to sneak up on this information. It’s not a secret or a mystery.
Dart: Shana!? Shana, it’s me!
“Dart!? Is that you, Dart!?”
Dart: Yes, it’s me! Me and Stryfe are here to rescue you!
Oh, wow, for a second I thought there were two of you, Dart!
Lavitz: Hurry up! The guards are coming!
“Listen to the man! Meet and greet after everyone is safe!”
Taking the key they retrieved earlier, Stryfe and Dart raced into the cell.
There we go.
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 22
There, they found Shana, who was now a beautiful young woman, waiting for them. Stryfe couldn’t believe that that much time has passed since he last saw her.
Prose, can you move a little faster? The guards will be here any second!
Stryfe saw that she was trying not to cry as she saw him and Dart again in almost six years.
“Prose!” *Twack* “Get a move on, the guards are coming!”
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 23
Stryfe: It’s alright. We’re here now.
“I think that’s why she’s upset.”
Dart: You haven’t forgotten us, even though we haven’t seen each other for five years?
Shana: How could I forget?
“Those guards are taking their time, aren’t they?”
Shana silently walked up to Stryfe and Dart, giving them a very calm look that caused them to temporarily look away in regret.
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 24
Shana: Show me your faces.
Dude, they’re right there. Just look.
“Where are those guards!?”
Dart: We haven’t changed much.
Nor have you really diverged from each other.
Stryfe: I’m still me…And Dart’s still Dart.
“Not to mention that you’re still Dart. The egotistical, emo version of Dart, but still Dart.”
Shana: No, you have changed. You two look much stronger, stronger than the Stryfe and Dart I knew.
I don’t know, maybe you should head in there and see if those guards need help finding this scene?
“Nuh-uh. Last time I was in a fic I got sent to a mining prison.”
Feeling relieved to see Shana, Dart embraced her. As Stryfe watched as Shana embraced her back, he could only smile as he looked on as the two shared a moment.
Hey, Creepy, give the two a little room. Maybe go find those guards; I hear they’re kinda lost.
Unfortunately, the moment was cut short by the sound of a warden being cut down by Lavitz’s lance, followed by his voice.
“See!? You dally like this and now Lavitz is under attack! Good work, jerks.”
Lavitz: Hurry up! I can’t hold them off for much longer!
Lavitz, you’re too nice. You shouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place!
Stryfe: Hey, you two! Let’s move!
Dude, that should have been the first thing out of your mouth at the start of this whole shenanigans.
Dart and Shana nodded. Racing outside the cell, Stryfe and Dart drew their weapons and ran to aid Lavitz.
“Took you idiots long enough. You’re very fortunate that the guards here are neither very bright, nor very skilled.”
Hellena Warden #6: The girl is escaping!
Hellena Warden #7: I won’t let her!
Stryfe: Shana, get back!
If we say random things, it builds tension!
“The pork roast is burning!”
While Shana stayed behind Dart, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz fought off the two Hellena Wardens that tried to prevent Shana from escaping.
“Shit! There’s another Dart!”
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 25
It was hardly a fair fight, as it was three on two.
Four on two.
“Two to one.”
I’m starting to lose track of how many of what are who in this scene.
Nevertheless, they quickly cut down the two wardens, ending the battle as quickly as it began.
With just as little description or interest factor.
Dart: Are you hurt?
Shana: I’m fine.
“Bored nearly to death, but otherwise unharmed.”
Stryfe: Good. You move fast on your feet, Shana.
News to me. I think that’s one of those informed traits.
“I’m assuming that’s the only kind of trait we’re likely to see in this huge slog of exposition.”
Lavitz: We can celebrate later. We’re still deep in the belly of the enemy.
Lavitz keeps making sense!
“A shame that the mooks keep ignoring him.”
Stryfe: Good point. Besides, it’s a little too damp in here to have a party anyways.
Stimpy, kindly shut your cake-hole while the adults are talking.
Dart: *laughs* Yeah. Let’s go, Shana. Follow me, okay?
*Twitch twitch* “The author is still using emotes within the dialogue.”
Shana didn’t answer. Noticing a small armory near the cell, she picked up a bow and quiver.
Kinda dumb, but actually canon.
Stryfe was amazed seeing her hold the arrow steady with such tenacity, and realized that she had learned a lot since he and Dart were away.
“How the fuck do you hold something still and steady in a tenacious way?”
Maybe she was aiming it at Stripe?
“We can only hope.”
Shana: Dart, I’m eighteen years old now. I can fight too!
Stryfe: You’ve…really grown up.
We can only hope that the author follows suit.
Lavitz: She was alone in such a hell. If she were a regular woman, she wouldn’t have been able to survive.
“Because survival when locked in a cell for less than a day is super hard. And, Lavitz, can you kindly shove your casual Japanese sexism up your own ass, please?”
Stryfe: Hey, women can be warriors like men too, Lavitz. Aren’t there women who are knights in Basil, for example?
I really dislike it when author-insert Gary Stus have a point.
Lavitz: I apologize. I meant no offense. Of course, there are not that many fools who would come here to save her.
*Facepalm* Author, if you’re going to break away from the script and then try to come back to it, at least have the decency to check it for flow.
Stryfe: Still using that “fool” category?
“I’d bet the continued use has something to do with it being amazingly accurate.”
Dart: But, the Shana of my memory hasn’t changed a bit.
It’s neat how none of Spike’s lines really change the flow of the canon conversations. He tosses in, and everyone pretty just follows the lines they should be saying instead of acknowledging his existence.
Stryfe: You sure, Dart? She’s definitely changed in my eyes. All for the better, too.
Hey, creepy, reign it in.
“That strikes me as quite the side-handed compliment. If that were me instead of Shana, Jerk-boy there would probably be sporting a nose-piercing that looks a lot like an arrow.”
Lavitz: Let’s talk about that after we get out of here.
Stop trying to get the plot moving again. We need more wooden dialogue!
With Shana now at their side, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz began retracing their steps back to the lower levels of Hellena Prison. Recalling the horse pen they encountered earlier, they headed in that direction in hopes of hijacking some of the horses to make their escape. However, an eerie figure stood in their way upon arriving back at the area.
That’d be Fruegel, the corrupt head warden of Hellena. Right on time!
Standing taller than the average human being, the man looked pretty tough for someone who put on a lot of weight.
That is the most boring and non-comittal description ever devised.
Drawing their weapons to confront him, the man let out an eerie laugh that gave Stryfe the creeps.
“Rule number one of being a hero: Don’t let the villain draw your weapons. This rule stands even if the villain has a super-creepy laugh.”
Fruegel: So, you two are the red and indigo ones acting like heroes!
There are four there, three of which are acting like heroes.
“I’d say all four are. Shana has shown heroic restraint not shooting Steam in the back.”
Dart: Then what!?
Huh? Dart, that reply doesn’t even come close to making any sense.
Stryfe: What of it!?
“He’s obviously doing some villainous grandstanding. You’re kinda dense, kid.”
Fruegel: There is one answer! You two and the leader of the knights are feed for the pet! After I mince you up!
*Taco flips open the script*
Today Fruegel will be played by Garland. Huh, that’s just good casting.
Dart: Lavitz, is this the head warden?
“Pick that up on your own, didja?”
Lavitz: His name is Fruegel. He is so bad, even the people of his own country are afraid of him.
Stryfe: I find it hard to believe that this fat bastard creep can be feared at all.
That’s because you’re a moron who quickly judges people based on their appearance rather than more useful criteria.
Fruegel: Watch your tounge! You say that with such a calm face, or are you hiding the fact that you are paralyzed from fear!?
C’mon dude, knock them all down!
Stryfe: You attacked Seles, didn’t you!?
Fruegel: No. I just gave them the order.
True enough, though that was supposed to be Dart’s line. Fruegel, at best is a disposable puppet for Emperor Doel, and by extension, Leon.
Dart: Then why did you have Shana taken away!?
Fruegel: I don’t know. Emperor Doel said to just bring that girl back. The order was so trivial that I added the new one of annihilating Seles!
Dart: Fruegel! That is UNFORGIVABLE!
Can we just move on to the daybook fight scene, please? I’m pretty sure we all understand what’s going on here now.
Stryfe: You won’t get away with that, you freak!
“Stripper, can you come up with a different insult? I’m getting tired of seeing your one-trick dog.”
With their anger at Fruegel overflowing, Stryfe and Dart drew their blades and charged at the head warden, with Shana and Lavitz close behind them.
Carbon Copy Syndrome: 26
Although Fruegel was big, he was agile despite his weight, and able to defend himself pretty coherently.
“Which puts him several levels above this incoherent mess of a story.”
However, Stryfe noticed that when he fought someone from long range, he struggled to defend himself.
“Child, stop. You suck at tactics, and you suck even more at describing them. It’s all going to be so much less tedious if you just write down ‘They fight and heroes win’ instead of trying, and failing, to sound like your character knows what he’s doing.”
Coordinating with Shana, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz continued to attack at close range while Shana waited for an opening.
Author, Shana has a bow and Fruegel doesn’t use a shield. She ALWAYS has an opening!
As Fruegel prepared to strike, Shana let an arrow fly from her bow, hitting Fruegel directly in the kneecap.
*Swenia shakes her head* “Girl, aim for the torso. Kneecap is a hard place to hit even if you’re a brilliant shot, and there aren’t a lot of critical organs in the knee.”
As the head warden collapsed from the pain, Stryfe, Dart and Lavitz began overwhelm Fruegel, wounding him with cuts and stab wounds.
Author, tear yourself away from the game mechanics for thirty seconds and ask yourself how long it would take 3 people to kill 1 person who is wounded and on the ground. I’ll even give you some help: Fruegel does not have hit points and the damage weapons can do to a fallen opponent would be quite lethal.
Charging in, Stryfe slashed at Fruegel with such ferocity and strength, it caused him to be blown back against the wall.
“The fuck just happened?”
I think Sticky just unleashed a Chi burst on Fruegel.
“Or blew him out of the fic with the power of contrivance.”
That seems more likely, actually.
Egregious Author-Insertion Stu: 13
However, even though he was severely wounded and bleeding, he still tried to get back up.
“Author! In fiction, hitpoints are not a thing!”
Stryfe: Wha-what the hell is with this guy!?
He’s been eating pure plot, which is keeping him going even in the face of all logic.
Dart: Is he immortal or something!?
Stryfe: Urgh, never mind! This is our chance!
“No, idiot, your chance was when Shana got stupid-lucky and knocked him over. A chance you squandered.”
Dart: Shana, let’s get out of here!
Lavitz: Get on the horses! Hurry!
Quick, if you all leave now, Stinky might not notice while he’s busy farting around with Fruegel!
Hijacking three horses, Stryfe, Dart, Shana and Lavitz raced outside Hellena, with Lavitz barely making it across before the drawbridge was raised.
I think the author forgot that his author insertion was there and didn’t get a horse for him.
“Well, he can share with Lavitz, I suppose.”
Heading as far away from the prison as the horses could take them, Stryfe, Dart, Shana and Lavitz eventually abandoned the horses before continuing to escape on foot from the pursuing wardens Fruegel sent after them.
“It’s always a good idea to ditch the thing that allows you to move faster.”
Before long, they found themselves continuing to run as they treaded into a nearby prairie some distance away from Hellena…
So, before long, they find themselves continuing to do the thing they were doing all along? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?
“Lucky for us, that’s where the chapter ends. Thanks for reading, Patrons, and we’ll see you next week!”
I’m supposed to do the closing lines.
“You’re too emotionally involved right now. I think you need to distance yourself from the parting words for your own good.”