1007: Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes – One ShotPosted: March 30, 2015
Warning: This fic depicts a very poorly written sexual encounter. I’m sure we’ve all read worse, but this is NSFW. I’d hate for your boss to lean over your shoulder right as you’re reading about a tomato having an orgasm. That may be one of the strangest things I’ve ever written.
*Lyle walks into her office and slowly shuts the door. She bolts it firmly and wedges a chair under the knob.*
Good morning, everyone. Today’s riff carries a serious tone of “reader beware.” As we are all probably aware, unless this is your first day joining us – and I dearly apologize if this is your first day with us because what a day to start reading – there is a rating on FF.net called “M.” “M” stands for “mature audiences.” Now, under FF.net’s terms and conditions, the “M” rating is supposed to be for anything that would probably be considered “R” rated in the film industry. Violence, language, and vague/implied sexual themes. The denizens of the internet, however, have used the “M” rating to pretty much mean “graphic sex.” Technically, any depiction of graphic sexual acts is prohibited on FF.net. There has to be over a million fanfics on ff.net, though, and there’s no possible way for the moderators to check every story to make sure the content matches the rating. Thus, many sexually explicit fanfictions are posted there with little to no repercussions. I’ve taken advantage of this myself, both in finding some really good fanfictions that happen to have well-written smut scenes, as well as in my own fanfic postings on there. The hard part is finding well-written smut.
This is not one of those stories.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you “Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes.” It hails from the VeggieTales section of fanfiction.net. For those who are not familiar with the source material, VeggieTales is about a group of sentient, Christian fruits and vegetables that tell bible stories. Being agnostic, leaning toward atheism, it isn’t really my cup of tea. But I actually do find the portrayal of the stories really amusing. There’s some good humor (a lot of it for the parents so they aren’t bored to tears watching it with their children) mixed into the show and the movies. It’s clean fun, even if it’s about a religion into which I do not belong. There is nothing clean about this fanfic, however.
After using one of Larry’s Silly Songs to illustrate the difference between a monkey and an ape during my Curious George riff, I decided to go take a gander at the VeggieTales section of ff.net. Out of pure curiosity, I filtered the stories to show me “M” rated fics. I did not expect to actually find any since this is a source material aimed at toddlers. Oh, internet. You surprise me yet again. There are FOUR mature rated VeggieTales fanfics. Two of them are written by the same author with two different accounts. You can tell they’re the same because the author names are “courtneyboudreault1” and “courtney.boudreault”. It’s as if the author didn’t know how to sign into her account and accidentally made a new one instead, but couldn’t be buggered to delete the second one when she realized her mistake, so she just kept both. Each account has just one fic and they’re both “M” rated VeggieTales stories. *facepalm*
Shall we begin?
This story reads like a bad script, similar to how TF:SHT was written except TF:SHT was mostly coherent. This looks like someone let their cat tap dance across their keyboard.
Manon : ” Barbara Irwina Tomato! Get the hell up! “
Right off the bat we have two OCs. There is no character named Manon. And the only Barbara ever mentioned in the show is a manatee plushie that Larry the Cucumber dances with during one of his Silly Songs.
And we have a VeggieTale character swearing. Lovely.
Barbara : ” 7:30? Oh god I’m late for school again! “
*winces* God should be capitalized since it’s a name. And I don’t think any VeggieTale character would take that name in vane considering the entire “God” theme of the show.
Her mom had to drive Barbara to school.
Manon : “bye sweetie.”
Manon is a female tomato? That’s a horrible name for a woman. (I know that fruits and veggies don’t have genders in reality, but in the show they do. So I’m sticking with canon with the gendered food items here.)
Barbara : ” hi Lonna. “
*blink* You’re not going to say good-bye to your mom? What a bitch.
So now we have Lonna introduced with absolutely no scene described at all. We also have no idea what Lonna is as she’s not canon and she’s not described. I’m going to say she’s a rutabaga.
Lonna:”hi there Barbie old pal.”
*cringes* Would it hurt you to learn how to use a fucking comma? Or to use proper English mechanics? When you’re writing in a script form, there is no need to put quotation marks around what the character is saying. It’s implied they’re speaking by putting their name before the colon.
*bumps into a tomato *
Who bumps into a tomato? Did Lonna bump into Barbara? Did Barbara bump into herself? Is this a new tomato we haven’t met yet?
Barbara : ” hey don’t do that again you…tomato? “
You bumped into it. Man, this Barbara character has about as many redeeming qualities as that picture of Lonna.
Bob : ” you? You’re a tomato too? I thought I was the only one. “
The only tomato in the school? The only tomato in the world? The only tomato in this Formless Void where the story seems to be taking place?
This is Bob, by the way. He’s the only canon character we’ve met so far. He’s the overly cautious and mature, responsible one in the show. He doesn’t usually take part as a character in the stories. He’s the show’s co-host, along with Larry the Cucumber. He keeps the story moving and often does any voice-over narration that may be needed. Remember folks: mature, responsible tomato.
Barbara : ” yes…my name is Barbara Irwina Tomato.”
Bob : ” I’m Robert James Tomato. “
In the show, Bob is only ever referred to as Bob THE Tomato. Tomato is not his last name. He has no last name. He’s a tomato. There are some other characters that have last names but Bob is not one of them.
Later after school.
So, no description of what happened after they introduced each other? Did they just wander off with nothing more said?
Bob: ” so your friends call you Barbie? ”
Barbara : ” yup. ”
Bob : ” can we go to the garden?”
Barbara : ” yup. “
This dialogue is so stilted it’s waiting for the Amazon River to flood.
Later at the garden at 8 : 00 pm.
This is as descriptive as the scene ever gets, folks. Is it a flower garden? A vegetable garden? Is it proportionally sized so that they’re just little tomatoes sitting under the plants? Or is this a garden that they’re growing? Is anyone else a little weirded out by the thought of them growing vegetables in a garden?
Barbara : ” i like you.”
Bob : ” me too. ”
Bob : ” can we become boyfriend and girlfriend? ”
Barbara : ” uh huh.”
The next part is so bad that I can’t even properly express my reaction in words. Therefore, I’ll be using pictorial representations instead.
* kissing each other *
Barbara : ” can I have sex with you?”
Bob : ” mmm hmm.”
* french kissing each other *
* undoing Bob’s pants *
Barbara : ” it’s so big. “
Bob : ” can you suck my dick? ”
Barbara : ” yup. ”
* sucking Bob’s dick *
Bob : ” it feels so good. ”
Bob : ” why did you stop? ”
Barbara : ” i want you to stick it in me. ”
Bob : ” ok.”
Barbara : “ahh! “
Bob : ” shh…quiet. ”
Barbara : ” sorry. ”
* both moaning softly *
Bob : ” I’m gonna fucking cum! ”
Barbara : ” me too! ”
* both moaning louder *
* cum squirts inside Barbara’s vagina *
Barbara : ” i love you. ”
Bob : ” i love you too. “
You just met twelve hours ago! There has been absolutely no building of a meaningful relationship. There’s been no building of anything in this tripe! And this is not how tomatoes procreate! There are no penises or vaginas!
Although I do have to admit I was a little more surprised that the author called it a vagina than the fact that she wrote one of the worst sex scenes I’ve ever read. It’s almost like hitting a brick wall after all the horror. With writing like that I expected “pussy” or “love tunnel.” Nope. We get the medically correct anatomical term. Vagina. Huh. Okay, then.
Let’s finish this thing. There’s only a little bit left.
Three days later Barbara felt sick to the stomach.
She must have read that scene.
* vomits in the toliet *
Barbara : ” i need to go to Dr. Arvin’s office.
Hey, another canon character!
The author did get one tinsy detail wrong, however. Dr. Arvin Flurry is a mad scientist, not a medical doctor. This is not the guy you’d want to go see for a stomach flu. This is the guy you’d want to see if you need help building a freeze-ray.
Dr. Arvin : ” congrats you’re pregnant. “
Great bedside manner there, Dr. Flurry.
That aside, this author has no idea how the real world works. Gather around, everyone. It’s time for another of Lyle’s Biology Lessons. *wheels out the chalkboard and draws a diagram of a uterus with attached ovum*
Once an egg is fertilized (which usually happens here in the Fallopian tubes *points to the horn-like things sticking out of the top of the uterus*) it travels into the uterus and attaches to the thickened wall of the uterus. That triggers the body to start pumping out mad levels of hCG, Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. This is the “pregnancy hormone.” It’s what tells your body that it’s time to do all the pregnant things it needs to do to support life for the next nine months; things like creating a placenta, making amniotic fluid, and halting all menses until further notice. Although the egg’s cells are rapidly dividing and conquering, it’s going to be there awhile. There’s no rush.
So, with that in mind, do you know what happens 3 days after the conception of a child? Nothing. Morning sickness rarely takes hold until after the first couple of months have passed. Many women don’t even know they’re pregnant until they’ve missed a period and they get suspicious. Those with irregular cycles sometimes won’t even realize it until they’ve gone two months without menses. In that time you may feel a bit drained and tire more quickly, but it is really rare to start morning sickness so soon into a pregnancy.
Also, although there’s hCG being produced, it needs to be in really high levels before it can be detected. It’s highly inaccurate to test for pregnancy three days after conception. The soonest you can accurately detect pregnancy is via a blood test, between 7 to 10 days after attachment of the egg to the uterine wall. For urine tests, you should wait until you’ve missed a period, which would occur 2 to 3 weeks post-coitus.
Barbara : ” oh shit.
That’s all for this week, folks. I hope I haven’t scarred you too badly. I’ll see you next week, and remember: teach your vegetables to use a condom. I’m not sure how, but I’m confident you’ll figure it out.