1007: Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes – One Shot

Title: Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes
Author: courtneyboudreault1 
Media: VeggieTales
Topic:  Television / Cartoons
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: One Shot
Critiqued by Lyle

Warning: This fic depicts a very poorly written sexual encounter.  I’m sure we’ve all read worse, but this is NSFW.  I’d hate for your boss to lean over your shoulder right as you’re reading about a tomato having an orgasm.  That may be one of the strangest things I’ve ever written.

*Lyle walks into her office and slowly shuts the door.  She bolts it firmly and wedges a chair under the knob.*

Good morning, everyone.  Today’s riff carries a serious tone of “reader beware.”  As we are all probably aware, unless this is your first day joining us – and I dearly apologize if this is your first day with us because what a day to start reading – there is a rating on FF.net called “M.”  “M” stands for “mature audiences.”  Now, under FF.net’s terms and conditions, the “M” rating is supposed to be for anything that would probably be considered “R” rated in the film industry.  Violence, language, and vague/implied sexual themes.  The denizens of the internet, however, have used the “M” rating to pretty much mean “graphic sex.”  Technically, any depiction of graphic sexual acts is prohibited on FF.net.  There has to be over a million fanfics on ff.net, though, and there’s no possible way for the moderators to check every story to make sure the content matches the rating.  Thus, many sexually explicit fanfictions are posted there with little to no repercussions.  I’ve taken advantage of this myself, both in finding some really good fanfictions that happen to have well-written smut scenes, as well as in my own fanfic postings on there.  The hard part is finding well-written smut.

This is not one of those stories.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you “Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes.”  It hails from the VeggieTales section of fanfiction.net.  For those who are not familiar with the source material, VeggieTales is about a group of sentient, Christian fruits and vegetables that tell bible stories.  Being agnostic, leaning toward atheism, it isn’t really my cup of tea.  But I actually do find the portrayal of the stories really amusing.  There’s some good humor (a lot of it for the parents so they aren’t bored to tears watching it with their children) mixed into the show and the movies.  It’s clean fun, even if it’s about a religion into which I do not belong.  There is nothing clean about this fanfic, however.

After using one of Larry’s Silly Songs to illustrate the difference between a monkey and an ape during my Curious George riff, I decided to go take a gander at the VeggieTales section of ff.net.  Out of pure curiosity, I filtered the stories to show me “M” rated fics.  I did not expect to actually find any since this is a source material aimed at toddlers.  Oh, internet.  You surprise me yet again.  There are FOUR mature rated VeggieTales fanfics.  Two of them are written by the same author with two different accounts.  You can tell they’re the same because the author names are “courtneyboudreault1” and “courtney.boudreault”.  It’s as if the author didn’t know how to sign into her account and accidentally made a new one instead, but couldn’t be buggered to delete the second one when she realized her mistake, so she just kept both.  Each account has just one fic and they’re both “M” rated VeggieTales stories.  *facepalm*

Shall we begin?

This story reads like a bad script, similar to how TF:SHT was written except TF:SHT was mostly coherent.  This looks like someone let their cat tap dance across their keyboard.

Manon : ” Barbara Irwina Tomato! Get the hell up! “

Right off the bat we have two OCs.  There is no character named Manon.  And the only Barbara ever mentioned in the show is a manatee plushie that Larry the Cucumber dances with during one of his Silly Songs.

And we have a VeggieTale character swearing.  Lovely.

Barbara : ” 7:30? Oh god I’m late for school again! “

*winces*  God should be capitalized since it’s a name.  And I don’t think any VeggieTale character would take that name in vane considering the entire “God” theme of the show.

Her mom had to drive Barbara to school.

Manon : “bye sweetie.”

Manon is a female tomato?  That’s a horrible name for a woman.  (I know that fruits and veggies don’t have genders in reality, but in the show they do.  So I’m sticking with canon with the gendered food items here.)

Barbara : ” hi Lonna. “

*blink*  You’re not going to say good-bye to your mom?  What a bitch.

So now we have Lonna introduced with absolutely no scene described at all.  We also have no idea what Lonna is as she’s not canon and she’s not described.  I’m going to say she’s a rutabaga.

images

Lonna, Ladies and Gentlemen

Lonna:”hi there Barbie old pal.”

*cringes*  Would it hurt you to learn how to use a fucking comma?  Or to use proper English mechanics?  When you’re writing in a script form, there is no need to put quotation marks around what the character is saying.  It’s implied they’re speaking by putting their name before the colon.

*bumps into a tomato *

Who bumps into a tomato?  Did Lonna bump into Barbara?  Did Barbara bump into herself?  Is this a new tomato we haven’t met yet?

Barbara : ” hey don’t do that again you…tomato? “

You bumped into it.  Man, this Barbara character has about as many redeeming qualities as that picture of Lonna.

Bob : ” you? You’re a tomato too? I thought I was the only one. “

The only tomato in the school?  The only tomato in the world?  The only tomato in this Formless Void where the story seems to be taking place?

This is Bob, by the way.  He’s the only canon character we’ve met so far.  He’s the overly cautious and mature, responsible one in the show.  He doesn’t usually take part as a character in the stories.  He’s the show’s co-host, along with Larry the Cucumber.  He keeps the story moving and often does any voice-over narration that may be needed.  Remember folks:  mature, responsible tomato.

Large_bob

Barbara : ” yes…my name is Barbara Irwina Tomato.”

Bob : ” I’m Robert James Tomato. “

*twitch*

In the show, Bob is only ever referred to as Bob THE Tomato.  Tomato is not his last name.  He has no last name.  He’s a tomato.  There are some other characters that have last names but Bob is not one of them.

Later after school.

So, no description of what happened after  they introduced each other?  Did they just wander off with nothing more said?

Bob: ” so your friends call you Barbie? ”

Barbara : ” yup. ”

Bob : ” can we go to the garden?”

Barbara : ” yup. “

This dialogue is so stilted it’s waiting for the Amazon River to flood.

Amazon_1

Later at the garden at 8 : 00 pm.

This is as descriptive as the scene ever gets, folks.  Is it a flower garden?  A vegetable garden?  Is it proportionally sized so that they’re just little tomatoes sitting under the plants?  Or is this a garden that they’re growing?  Is anyone else a little weirded out by the thought of them growing vegetables in a garden?

Barbara : ” i like you.”

Bob : ” me too. ”

Bob : ” can we become boyfriend and girlfriend? ”

Barbara : ” uh huh.”

Dialogue.

Dialogue.

The next part is so bad that I can’t even properly express my reaction in words.  Therefore, I’ll be using pictorial representations instead.

* kissing each other *

Leonard H. Goldenson Theatre

Barbara : ” can I have sex with you?”

anigif_enhanced-buzz-19523-1386183399-25

Bob : ” mmm hmm.”

* french kissing each other *

* undoing Bob’s pants *

Barbara : ” it’s so big. “

IMG_2145-e1404126740984

Bob : ” can you suck my dick? ”

Barbara : ” yup. ”

* sucking Bob’s dick *

1422

Bob : ” it feels so good. ”

Bob : ” why did you stop? ”

Barbara : ” i want you to stick it in me. ”

Bob : ” ok.”

Barbara : “ahh! “

ef347c271654e300d635ea1da762b95e

Bob : ” shh…quiet. ”

Barbara : ” sorry. ”

* both moaning softly *

Bob : ” I’m gonna fucking cum! ”

Barbara : ” me too! ”

* both moaning louder *

* cum squirts inside Barbara’s vagina *

img-thing

Barbara : ” i love you. ”

Bob : ” i love you too. “

You just met twelve hours ago!  There has been absolutely no building of a meaningful relationship.  There’s been no building of anything in this tripe!  And this is not how tomatoes procreate!  There are no penises or vaginas!

Although I do have to admit I was a little more surprised that the author called it a vagina than the fact that she wrote one of the worst sex scenes I’ve ever read.  It’s almost like hitting a brick wall after all the horror.  With writing like that I expected “pussy” or “love tunnel.”  Nope.  We get the medically correct anatomical term.  Vagina.  Huh.  Okay, then.

Let’s finish this thing.  There’s only a little bit left.

Three days later Barbara felt sick to the stomach.

She must have read that scene.

* vomits in the toliet *

Barbara : ” i need to go to Dr. Arvin’s office.

Hey, another canon character!

Dr. Arvin Flurry

Dr. Arvin Flurry

The author did get one tinsy detail wrong, however.  Dr. Arvin Flurry is a mad scientist, not a medical doctor.  This is not the guy you’d want to go see for a stomach flu.  This is the guy you’d want to see if you need help building a freeze-ray.

Dr. Arvin : ” congrats you’re pregnant. “

*headdesk*

Great bedside manner there, Dr. Flurry.

That aside, this author has no idea how the real world works.  Gather around, everyone.  It’s time for another of Lyle’s Biology Lessons.  *wheels out the chalkboard and draws a diagram of a uterus with attached ovum*

Once an egg is fertilized (which usually happens here in the Fallopian tubes *points to the horn-like things sticking out of the top of the uterus*) it travels into the uterus and attaches to the thickened wall of the uterus.  That triggers the body to start pumping out mad levels of hCG, Human Chorionic Gonadotropin.  This is the “pregnancy hormone.”  It’s what tells your body that it’s time to do all the pregnant things it needs to do to support life for the next nine months; things like creating a placenta, making amniotic fluid, and halting all menses until further notice.  Although the egg’s cells are rapidly dividing and conquering, it’s going to be there awhile.  There’s no rush.

So, with that in mind, do you know what happens 3 days after the conception of a child?  Nothing.  Morning sickness rarely takes hold until after the first couple of months have passed.  Many women don’t even know they’re pregnant until they’ve missed a period and they get suspicious.  Those with irregular cycles sometimes won’t even realize it until they’ve gone two months without menses.  In that time you may feel a bit drained and tire more quickly, but it is really rare to start morning sickness so soon into a pregnancy.

Also, although there’s hCG being produced, it needs to be in really high levels before it can be detected.  It’s highly inaccurate to test for pregnancy three days after conception.  The soonest you can accurately detect pregnancy is via a blood test, between 7 to 10 days after attachment of the egg to the uterine wall.  For urine tests, you should wait until you’ve missed a period, which would occur 2 to 3 weeks post-coitus.

Barbara : ” oh shit.

The end.

That’s all for this week, folks.  I hope I haven’t scarred you too badly.  I’ll see you next week, and remember: teach your vegetables to use a condom.  I’m not sure how, but I’m confident you’ll figure it out.

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38 Comments on “1007: Veggieteens Bob x Barbara Tale of Two Tomatoes – One Shot”

  1. leobracer says:

    Of all the…

    Why would anyone even think of writing fanfiction for this franchise, of all franchises?!

    This was easily one of the worst things ever made in the history of fiction!

    • GhostCat says:

      The same could be said for most of our archives.

      • leobracer says:

        When I was a kid, Veggie Tales was one of my favorite things. And I was very devoted to God and Jesus Christ.

        But then came 9/11, and everything that I ever believed in came crumbling down with the Twin Towers.

        That day I began asking myself: What kind of loving God would let his children kill others in his name, even though they believe in the same God?

        I didn’t know anyone who lost their lives that day, but it didn’t matter, as I started seeing how ugly the world really was.

        It also made me stop liking Veggie Tales because of how it sugar coated everything about the Bible.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I did not expect to actually find any since this is a source material aimed at toddlers.

    And that was your first mistake. Rule 34 is a thing, you know.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And I don’t think any VeggieTale character would take that name in vane considering the entire “God” theme of the show.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure that VeggieTales would not take part in that kind of swearing.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That’s a horrible name for a woman.

    *taps Lyle on the shoulder*

    Abbé Prévost, Jules Massenet, and Giacomo Puccini would like to have a word with you about this lady over here:

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Barbara : ” can I have sex with you?”

    Whoah there! You don’t know each other that well yet!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That’s all for this week, folks. I hope I haven’t scarred you too badly.

    Oh, just wait until later this year. You’re gonna see a pregnancy-related gaffe that manages to make this look accurate!

  7. GhostCat says:

    I’d hate for your boss to lean over your shoulder right as you’re reading about a tomato having an orgasm. That may be one of the strangest things I’ve ever written.

    Not even close to the weirdest sentence I’ve ever written.

  8. GhostCat says:

    Barbara : ” yes…my name is Barbara Irwina Tomato.”

    Bob : ” I’m Robert James Tomato. “

    Who introduces themselves using their full name? The only exception I know of would be if the person preferred to be addressed that way, but Barbara clearly has a nickname that her friend used ten seconds earlier.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Barbara : ” i like you.”

    Bob : ” me too. ”

    It’s good to know that Bob likes himself, but how does he feel about Barbara?

  10. GhostCat says:

    Bob doesn’t wear pants, so how could Barbara undo them to take out his penis? And they are two spherical beings – how can they engage in any sexual act that wouldn’t cause one or both of them to roll away from each other? That blowjob would cause Bob and Barbara to wobble like a couple of Weebles, and every time he thrust into her he’d have to chase after her to line their parts up for the next thrust.

  11. infinity421 says:

    …What the bloody nuclear Christ did I just read?

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Bob : ” can you suck my dick? ”

    Barbara : ” yup. ”

    * sucking Bob’s dick *

    Well… that was… pretty straightforward, at least….

    • GhostCat says:

      He could have at least bought her dinner first. Also; point-blank asking your date to suck your penis almost guarantees that there will be no fellatio in your future.

      • On another topic, I was going through the bad fanfiction archives of old and while I was rereading the Prayer Warrior riffs, you said you were a pagan I believe. So, who do you worship if you don’t mind me asking?

      • GhostCat says:

        Yep, I am. I guess I would be considered a polytheist; I believe in the Threefold Goddess (whose aspects are Maiden, Mother, and Crone), who can be represented by different entities for different people, and Her Consort the Horned God (sometimes called The Green Man). For Eclectics like me who aren’t part of an established circle, it’s usually a matter of personal preference as to whom the pagan chooses to represent the different aspects. I tend to draw from my European roots, but I do have a place in my shrine for Bastet and often ask Her to help the Green One watch over my cats.

        Many neopagans tend to focus on the Goddess alone and tend to push Her Consort into the shadows, which doesn’t sit right with me. If you believe in the duality of nature, male and female, you can’t ignore one in favor of the other.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Barbara : ” i like you.”

    Bob : ” me too. ”

    Bob never struck me as really being that narcissistic.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Is anyone else a little weirded out by the thought of them growing vegetables in a garden?

    Based on the new Netflix-sponsored series, this is actually sorta canon. Several scenes from that series feature them hanging out in front of an open-air fresh produce display.

    There’s also a shop that has things like ketchup on the shelf.

    I’ve done my best not to consider the implications.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    And this is not how tomatoes procreate! There are no penises or vaginas!

    The fresh spring breeze blew around the ripened bud, caressing it playfully as the wind swirled excitedly about the swollen pod. Then, gently, sensuously the bud spread itself, opening invitingly to the breeze…

  16. TacoMagic says:

    I’ll see you next week, and remember: teach your vegetables to use a condom.
    I’m not sure how, but I’m confident you’ll figure it out.

    Taco’s Brain: Well, cucumbers are the right-

    Shuddap or I stab you with Q-tip!


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