1005: Saphire – Oneshot

Title: Saphire
Author: Bat-teen 28
Media: Video Game
Topic: Thief: The Dark Project EVIDENTLY NOT.
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Saphire
Critiqued by SC, Contacts and the Master

Hello, and-

Contacts: Whoa, fucking hold it.

Really, man? Right in the middle of my introduction?

Contacts: What the hell does that say?

Oh, didn’t I tell you? I invited your old master to riff with us.

Contacts: WHICH ONE.

The… thief one. Why?

Contracts: Oh hell no, I’m out of here!

Relax, dummy, he’s not here yet. He sent a letter saying he might not even show up.

Contacts: And you believed him?!

Uh, yes?

Contacts: You moron!

…Are you gonna sit down so that I can do my intro, now?

Contacts: …Fine.

Thank you.

Now then:

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, here at week four with my “Until I Get My Riffing List Back” campaign, and as you might have guessed from my guest(s?) this week, this oneshot is about thievery – or at least, that’s the hope. The Ratways was pretty disappointing.

The fic is called “Saphire,” by Bat-teen 28. It’s an adventure/mystery fic set in the Thief world.

And now everybody’s favorite part – the infodump:

The Thief series is a trilogy of single-player stealth games – Thief: The Dark Project, Thief II: The Metal Age, and Thief: Deadly Shadows, with a bug-fixing patch to the first game called Thief Gold – developed and produced by Eidos Interactive and Looking Glass Studios for Windows in the late ’90s, and then by Eidos Montreal and Ion Storm in early 2000’s.

“But, SC! What about the console reboot?”

I don’t count the 2014 console reboot as part of the series. Square Enix had no business sticking their noses in things, since they can’t even do their own Final Fantasy games right anymore.

The Thief series is noted as being the first PC stealth game to employ light and sound as game mechanics, and almost every subsequent stealth game from Splinter Cell to the Hitman series can trace their roots back to it in some way. It was never a widely recognized series, known more as a cult classic, but those fans who did know of it can only speak highly of the trilogy (and spit on the feet of the reboot).

The story of Thief centers around Garrett –

O hai, Garrett!

O hai, Garrett!

– a thief who once belonged to a secret organization known as the Keepers –


whose objective is maintaining the peace and balance of the world. Garrett wasn’t too enchanted by the Keepers’ line of work and so left their organization for more… Unsavory hobbies, and swore off any further involvement with them. That didn’t really do much to stop the Keepers from manipulating him into acting out the prophecies foretold to them by their scriptures.

Over the course of the three games, Garrett becomes deeply involved in the inner workings of the Keepers and a number of other organizations – the Hammerites of the technocratic Order of the Hammer and their despised Mechanist splinter group brethren –

Order of the Hammer

Order of the Hammer



– the City Watch, who make up the guard force of the City (no, that’s all the city is called, there’s no other name available) and who have it in for Garrett for obvious reasons –


– and the Pagans, a group of technology-shunning, chaos deity-worshipping shamans of nature who were responsible for plucking out Garrett’s eye, which the Hammerites later replaced with a mechanical prosthesis.


But I would imagine that the plot takes a backseat to the meat of the games – the part where you creep around in the dark and steal shit.

The Thief series is a big part of where Contacts’ character comes from, especially in regards to the archery and aversion to combat:

– In Thief, there’s a penalty to your score for every fight you get caught in, and while it is possible to stab a guy and run, Garrett’s not exactly the sturdiest character, so you’ll probably die before you can pull that off. In order to prevent that from happening, your best bet is to club any inattentive guards over the head with a blackjack and hide their bodies. For Contacts’ character, I skipped the blackjack part and have him his daggers instead, and decided to just make him bad at combat as incentive to not get into fights.

– Archery is your biggest asset in the game, and Garrett has a number of arrows specially designed for any job that requires them, from arrows that spit out a special reagent that grows moss on the ground to conceal the sound of footsteps, to arrows that whistle through the air to draw attention, to arrows that release sleep gas on impact that knock enemies unconscious at range. Naturally, you have just plain broadhead arrows to kill with, but there’s a penalty for killing enemies. In Contacts’ case, I took the tech arrows a bit further, but the premise is basically the same.

So there you go, fun facts.

Now then, I think I’ve about covered things here, let’s get to the fic.

It takes two.

To tango.

Contacts: That’s why I don’t dance.

Stone market

That’s one word, author. Stonemarket is a district in the City.

Contacts: Although, I imagine there is also a market for stone.

Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

was quiet like usual in the light hours of the night, the Watch wondered the street, their burning torches carried with them, with one holding a crossbow.

Contacts: They did what? And the torches are carrying crossbows? What the fuck kind of technology is going on here?

I mean, the City is a medieval-Victorian crossover, yes, but this makes no amount of sense to me.

Their forces had increased since the Graven attacked just a few months ago, the Baron wanted to be on the safe side, though where he was remained a mystery.

The Graven? The Baron?

Oh for shit’s sake…

Hey, fic authors: when you want to write for a fandom that had a recent reboot, DON’T FUCKING CLASSIFY IT AS PART OF THE ORIGINAL SERIES!


The Graven is the fanatic flesh-worshipping religion of the reboot, for those who are wondering. I don’t consider the reboot canon, so I’m not going to get into that religion. You can read up on it here if you want to know more. As for the Baron, I can’t really say much about him because he’s extremely plot-centric to the reboot, and I don’t want to spoil it, even though I don’t like it.

The reason I don’t consider the reboot to be canon is because Square Enix took basically everything about the original Thief trilogy and said “fuck it, we’re doing this instead.” Even Garrett, the main protagonist of the series, was turned into Square’s usual pissy emo fantasy hero standard. They didn’t even let him keep his mechanical eye! In the original trilogy, Garrett was a one-eyed cunning bastard who didn’t like any of the four groups he was surrounded by, just for reference.

I suppose I should be a bit more fair to the reboot, though – the reboot is a decent game on its own, and they didn’t completely do away with established canon. But they’ve basically just hand waved it all away by saying that the reboot is several generations after the main trilogy, which is learned via references in-game, and I honestly consider that to be just as bad. If the only way you can think to reboot a series is to say that all the established canon is really old now and things are different so that you can write your own new canon without the fans screaming heresy at you, you haven’t rebooted the series – you’ve just hijacked it for your own with fulfillment.


I’m done ranting now, sorry about that.

It was a difficult time for thieves, day after day some were caught and frown in prison

Contacts: Yeah, criminals who end up behind bars do tend to have frowny faces. I’d know, I’ve been there a number of times.

while others were hanged, but only if they’d killed someone, the Baron did not wish to risk another riot.

Not that I imagine he could anyhow, given that most of the game revolves around putting an end to the madness for the sake of, you know, not dying.

Basso stood in his room at the Crippled Burrick as he sorted through the lists of things people wanted to be stolen or things that could be stolen.

Basso is the only other name I recognize as being one of the characters from the original trilogy.

O hai, Basso!

O hai, Basso!

Basso, like Garrett, is a thief. Not a particularly good one by comparison, but he is one nonetheless. After he retired from the thief business, he got into the fence business. Now he goes by “Basso the Boxman” in the remake.

The candles burned softly, one flickered a little as an unseen shadow entered the room before it stopped in front of Basso.

Can I just say that I’m kind of over the “so stealthy the candles barely flicker” trope? Besides, in the original Thief games, Garrett puts out any lights in order to remain unseen, if he was looking to get Basso’s attention he would have just done that.

Contacts: *snerk*

Oh, I’m sorry, was I thinking of a better game again? My mistake.

For a whole minute the shadow did nothing but watch the Box man as he sorted through his papers before he folded his arms and raised and eyebrow at his friend.

Contacts: Hey Garrett, don’t you have shit to do?

Yeah, really. Also, Garrett doesn’t have friends. It’s dangerous to make any in the thieving business, because everybody has their own angle they’re looking to exploit.

Contacts: Shit, my old thieving buddies were just guys who knew they couldn’t work one over on me and so decided to have me along for the ride instead. “Friends” is a word you toss around as a punchline in the thieving industry.

“You got a job for me Basso? You said it was urgent.”

Contacts: Oh, NOW he’s in a hurry.

Basso jumped and looked up to glare at the shadow. “Jeasus… Garrett, how many times… what is it about front doors you don’t like?”

“Too predictable.”

…Really? Nothing about maybe not wanting to get fucked up by the guards by exposing yourself on ground level where they can reach you? Garrett, come on, man.

Contacts: To be fair, I’m guilty of that kind of nonsense myself.

Yeah, but you’re a dumbass; Garrett is supposed to be better than this. And that applies to the originals AND the reboot.

Basso sighed before muttering something about thieves and doors and why they couldn’t be like normal people just for once.

Contacts: Because if we acted like normal people, we’d get fucking arrested! We’d still have bounties on our heads from jobs we had done, and the guards would still be looking to collect! Basso, you used to be a thief, where the hell do you get off?

Guy’s gone soft or something.

Contacts: A good knock on the head oughta’ fix that problem.

“Basso, the job?”

Thank you for keeping things focused, Garrett, I appreciate that.

The box man

Full disclosure: I have no idea if Basso actually does anything with boxes. All I know is that it’s his cover so the guards to come a-knocking.

looked up at him for one moment with a disgruntled look before he sighed and nodded. “Right, right. Now… here’s the gig,” he explained as he pulled out a piece of paper.

Contacts: I’m sorry, a PIECE of paper? Bitch, no self-respecting thief goes into a job without a table full of shit to study up on, first! Where’s the blueprints of the joint? Where’s the maps of backroads for escape and infiltration methods? Where’re the secret tunnel details, if any? Where’s the tactical markings of guard positions and patrols? Where is ANY of this shit?!

Contacts takes his thieving seriously, yo.

Contacts: Payday is a more believable setup of the thieving process, and that’s a game where everybody screws up repeatedly because it’s four jackass players trying to force themselves to do a clean job and finding it impossible!

That may well be the most accurate description of Payday I’ve ever heard.

“The Baron has just had something extremely valuable shipped in from over seas, problem is, he’s moved it to Moira, it’s being heavily guarded and the watch are working twenty four seven.

Moira is an in-game location. It’s a fucking asylum. Why would the Baron move a highly important item to an asylum?

To clarify, Moira Asylum used to be Overlook Mansion in Thief: Deadly Shadows, and it was owned by Edwina Moira, who sought to build a mental institution. So, that’s another reference to the original trilogy. But the fact remains, it’s an asylum now. More to the point, since this fic seems to take place after the events of the game, that asylum is filled with inmates who were warped into freaks, and they kill people. So not only why, but HOW the fuck did the Baron hide an important item there?

It’s right at the centre of the building, traps, guards, a lot of electric light… sound challenging enough for you?”

Contacts: There is no God damned way you could possibly know all this from just one sheet of paper.

I’m not even sure why he’s telling Garrett this. Garrett HAD TO GO THERE in the game anyhow, he’s seen what it looks like on the inside. I’m sure an upped guard force wouldn’t change all that horribly much about the place.

Also yes, electricity is a thing in the reboot. It’s a very primitive thing, and you can tell that just by looking at the electrical tech, but it’s a thing nonetheless.

“It’ll do,” Garrett murmured. “What am I stealing exactly?”

“Ah, ya see that’s the thing… no one knows.”

Contacts: Basso, you’re so fucking useless it hurts.

I see why he retired from the thieving business, now.

Basso smiled at his friends frown.

*insert trollface here*

“All we know is, it’s hidden right at the centre, behind this painting,” he placed the picture on the table and Garrett studied it with a kean eye.


Author, that’s KEEN eye. KEEN. Two Es.

“Oh and one more thing, it’s worth quite a bit of coin.”

Contacts: Duh. Otherwise you wouldn’t have called Garrett, and it wouldn’t be under heavy guard in possibly one of the most dangerous locations in the City. What, do you think we’re stupid or something, Basso?

Apparently, yes.

“How do you know it’s not a trap?”

Basso waved his hands. “Since when have I ever failed you?”

“I’m sure I could name many occasions.”

“I’m sure I can name some on your part too, but that’s besides the point.

Everybody is failing or has failed everybody. There, are we done with this cockfight, now?

Now, do you want the job or not? It’s got all the specifics you like, certain death, immediate danger, possible spooky rooms.”


Garrett sent his friend a small glare before he straightened and folded his arms. “What’s the catch?”

“Ah… the catch…” Basso frowned as he placed his hands on the table and leaned forward. “You are gonna have to work together with someone.”

Contacts: Because that ended well for him in a past life.

Contacts is talking about Garrett’s old student, Erin.

O hai, Erin!

O hai, Erin!

Erin is an ex-prostitute and rookie thief under Garrett’s tutelage (by way of Basso introducing them, naturally) who took up a side-life as an assassin and had a lady-boner for Garrett, up until she pissed him off with her nonchalant stance on killing people who didn’t deserve it (part of the reason Garrett chooses to knock people out is because they’re just doing a job and he knows it), at which point he dumped her on her ass to fend for herself and severed all ties. Erin didn’t take it too well, but eventually got over it, and then she and Garrett ended up crossing paths again for one last job together, where she then did the exact same thing that pissed him off the first time and summarily pissed him off again, thus opening old wounds.

All the hard feelings between the two of them finally come to a head on the glass roof of a building above a magic ritual, where Garrett decides the job isn’t worth the risk anymore and opts to duck out, but Erin insists that it’ll be fine, so long as they kill all the ritual practitioners. Garrett refuses, and reveals that he snagged Erin’s calling card off her belt – a climbing claw that Erin also used to kill people – and in the ensuing scuffle to get the claw back, Erin ends up falling through the glass roof into the ritual below, becomes fused with the magical artifact the ritual is surrounding, and HEY, THERE’S THE START OF THE GAME.

Erin can be considered the main antagonist of the game, because all the bad shit that happens to the City is, in some way or another, a by-product of her accidentally dropping in on the ritual and becoming fused with the magical artifact, which gives her the power to manifest all her bad feelings into, well, gloom and dismay and sickness and insanity and what-have-you. Hell, the final battle in the game is against her (yes, the reboot forces boss fights on you where the original trilogy never did), because she gets pissed off at Garrett for abandoning her, once as a student, and again when he let her drop into the ritual by mistake and become fused with the magic artifact, then end up being used by the other villains as a catalyst for their schemes. Except, that one wasn’t actually Garrett’s fault, he had caught her hand and was trying to help her up when her grip slipped. Plus, that could have been avoided if Erin had just, you know, LISTENED for once in her life and backed out of the job like Garrett said.

Beyond that, in the original trilogy, every time the Keepers and Garrett worked together, Garrett got wrapped up in a lot of crazy shit.

So, yeah, Garrett and working in teams is not usually a good end result.

Garrett stared at him before he frowned. “No.”

“Garrett, come on. You haven’t even met her!”

Contacts: And as if Garrett’s previous track record with girls wasn’t bad enough already…

Basso, you’re not very good at pattern recognition, are you?

“I said no. I can do this job on my own.”

Basso shook his head. “You planning to swim to the island?” he bit out.

How does one bite words out?

Contacts: I suppose I could try, but it sounds like I’d dislocate my jaw.

“Because I’m not letting you take my boat and there’s no way I’m sailing you across there. I’m not exactly built for stealth.”

Basso’s got you there, Garrett. The last time you “borrowed” something of somebody’s (Erin’s claw, anybody?), the City was cursed by the Gloom. Plus, Basso sticks out like a sore thumb.

“Maybe you should give it a go, might do you some good.”

Contacts: Doubtful.

“Very funny. Garret, please. Just give her chance, she’s good. Real good.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“So, you’ll let her come along?” Basso asked hopefully.

Garret narrowed his eyes. “No. I’ll find a way onto the island.”

Attaboy, Garrett, resist the probable Sue! Resist for all you’re worth! Hell, it’s how you survived the Gloom and Erin trying to kill you with her powers, isn’t it? (Maybe?)

“You can’t row and they’re not using the place as an asylum, not after what happened there…” he trailed off when he remembered the riot and Graven, as well as all the weird stuff that went on at the asylum. “No boats are going in. She’s got a boat, knows a secret way in without being seen.”

On the one hand, good that the author acknowledged that Moira is an Asylum. Or, was, by Basso’s admission, which makes more sense for hiding stuff now that it’s not anymore.


“I don’t need her help.”

Basso smirked. “You can’t get in without her help, Garrett.”

Contacts: The hell he can’t. Garrett isn’t called a “master thief” for no reason, you know. He could just steal a boat and row his own ass there without needing assistance. He probably won’t like having to do it, because he hates boats for some reason, but he could and would, if given a chance.

Contacts has just debunked your entire plot setup, author. This entire meet-up is now contrived as hell.

Garrett glared at him before sighing in defeat. “Fine,” he spat. “What’s her name?”

Really? Just like that?

Garrett, I’m disappointed in you. We even gave you an out, for fuck’s sake!

Basso smiled. “Her name’s Saphire. A skilled thief, you’ll like her. She’s got a sense of humour.”

You know what Garrett doesn’t have in the reboot? A sense of humor. So I doubt that.

Contacts: By the way, nice job naming your Sue after the one female Thieves’ Guild member in Skyrim of the exact same, CORRECTLY SPELLED name, author.

He’s not kidding:

O hai, Sapphire!

O hai, Sapphire!

“Saphire? Odd name.”

*Garrett* “It’s not even spelled right. Who names their kid after a jewel, and does it wrong?

“It suits her,” Basso said with a shrug. “Now, she’s waiting at the docks near the Siren’s Rest. So, you going or what?” he’d only turned for a half second and when he looked back the thief had gone, disappeared into the night.

Again with that trope?

Contacts: I can darkstep and even I think that trope’s bullshit.

Basso sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “Ah, Saphire, good luck to ya’ girl. You’re gonna need it with him.”

Contacts: Nah, that’s the other way around, Basso.

Why is Basso suddenly talking like Raven?

The Siren’s Rest was a place Garret rarely visited, unless he needed to steal something from inside it’s walls, he was never there.

That is indeed what is implied by “rarely goes.”


*Alarms Blare*

Contacts: I’ve got-

*Without warning, the DRD agents get shot from out of nowhere*

Contacts: …It?


Contacts: I didn’t know the ninjas use bows.

As far as I know, they don’t. It’s always been butter and leeches. Sometimes butter SHAPED like leeches.

Contacts: Well, then who the hell else could have… Ah, whatever, I’ll just say it was me.

Sounds good.

He wondered around to the back where the ships and boats were kept, dodging the light and always stepping silently, each step was calculated percise like a cat.

Garrett is quite the multitasker if he can wonder stuff while sneaking about.

Contacts: It does tend to take a bit of practice, huh?

When his eyes landed on the boat he grimaced, as it rocked the swayed the small waves, never still.

I would grimace too, my eyes flying out of my skull into a rocking boat ain’t my idea of fun.

Contacts: Now if only the author hadn’t taken that brick to the head before trying to write about it.

Boats, why does have to be boats?

Why even are boats, you know?

Contacts: How do boats, man.

He heard the groan of some wood and his hand rested on his black jack before he heard a light giggle.

Contacts: Blackjack is one word, author. It’s a club. Also a poker game. Which I’m apparently not very good at somehow?

House always wins, buddy.

Contacts: Even when I have a winning hand, apparently.

“So, you’re the master thief?”

“Want to say that a little louder?” he growled before he turned around to face his… ‘partner’ as she stood leaning against the wall of the pub smiling at him.

Contacts: Yeah, hey Sue? Thieves are soft-spoken for a reason. Maybe learn about it sometime.

Costume porn incoming.

“I’m good thanks,” she smirked as she pushed herself off the wall. Her hair was cut short like a bob and she was wearing all black with hints of grey to her costume. Her hair was allowed to blow about in the wind and she had a cloth wrapped around her neck to be used to hide the bottom half of her face.

Contacts: Wh-?! COVER YOUR FUCKING HEAD, YOU MORON! Nobody cares how pretty your stupid hair is when they’re beating your face into the ground because they want to cash in on your warrant and get a compensation bonus by saying you tried to fight back!

Wow, the guards in your time were greedier bastards than you are.

Contacts: And nobody questioned them because they were hunting thieves, so they were heroes by default. I could count on both hands the number of times I was arrested for literally no reason, and yet everybody cheered when it happened.

But it was her eyes, they sparkled and shone in the light, bright blue like-

Sapphires. Garrett finished in his head as he narrowed his eyes at her

Garrett is immediately repulsed by the Sue and only just met her. Interesting. Most Sue authors make the main protagonist fall head over heels for their OC. Although, to be fair, aside from her poor decision to leave her head uncovered for all to see and recognize from any wanted posters, she hasn’t done anything really Sue-ish yet, so I may be jumping the gun on my assumptions.

Contacts: No you’re not.

I’m not?

Contacts: No, you’re not. Saphire is a Sue. Sues, by definition, are characters made in the author’s imagination to help them fulfill their fantasies with characters that they have a fangirl crush on, and typically, those characters are puffed up as being far more important than they have any reason to be, stick out like sore thumbs, and do a lot of stupid stuff that would get them in deep shit in real life that apparently means nothing in the story to make sure that those wishes are fulfilled as the author pleases. The fact that Garrett apparently needs Saphire to get to and from the job and help complete said job, even though he could have easily gotten in and handle it on his own proves that much. Plus, Basso was adamant about Garrett working with her and made the contrived claim that she was his only way in and out. So even if he said no the answer would still be yes, despite that Basso should KNOW that Garrett is capable of doing all this without assistance, which means that the author is a fangirl and is trying to impress the fictional object of her fancy by making her character seem big and important enough to grab his attention in the first place. The addition of the name only makes it worse. Nowhere in the Thief franchise would you find anybody with a name like Saphire, which means that the author wanted to try and make her character stand out and be memorable, but instead went and made her not fit with the canon environment at all. Saphire then reveals that she doesn’t think to cover her head in public, even though the fic earlier claimed that thieves were being hunted with a vengeance, which means that she would undoubtedly have a warrant out against her, and so her fully exposed face and hair could be recognized by anybody and lead to hers and Garrett’s arrest on an unfortunate but very probable off-chance, which I do believe fits the “doing stupid shit with no consequences” part of the description. And the fact that the author took great care in describing how gorgeous the character is supposed to be, despite the fact that everybody in the Thief franchise at best looks moderately attractive, is yet anther indicator of the author wanting to grab Garrett’s attention by making her character stand out. I can only see it getting worse from here, so don’t go second guessing yourself when you have the Sue hook, line and sinker.

Wow. Contacts proves once again that he is skilled at many other things than simply thievery.

Contacts: I used to be a cleaning boy for a fence in his shop. He taught me how to read people based on the decisions they make, be that with their writing or the loot they snag. It’s a handy little trait. Doesn’t serve me well as a thief, necessarily, but all the same, I don’t regret having it.

She seemed to be making her own observations as her eyes drifted over his form before meeting his gaze.

“You’re not quite what I was expecting.”

Garrett raised an eyebrow. “What were you expecting?”

“Someone a little bigger,” she smirked as she wondered over to him.

All this wondering, man. The thieves of the City must be some real philosophers.

“Everyone always is.”

What, philosophers? Well, I mean, maybe, but-

Oooh, you were talking about that thing Saphire said, my bad.

She laughed slightly. “And here Basso said you didn’t have a sense of humour.”

He doesn’t. That statement was, at best, snide. Garrett doesn’t make jokes, he insults and gives backhanded commentary. Learn how sarcasm works, Saphire.

Now, the ORIGINAL Garrett is anther story. He is often heard making little jokes at the expense of others, because that Garrett is an asshole. This Garrett? As I mentioned once before, Square Enix’s standard pissy protagonist build.

Garrett didn’t respond he simply looked at the boat ominously as it rocked and swayed in the water.

“Right, on with the job,” she muttered as she stepped into the boat before looking back at him expectedly. “You getting in?”

He took a small step into the boat and it rocked, making him grimace before he lowered himself into it very rigidly, his back being straight as a bored as he sat down.

“You’re not much of a boat person are you?” she muttered as she gave him a quick glance, to which he responded with a glare.

Garrett and boats don’t have the best history. For one thing, the final battle against Erin takes place on a boat, and for anther, he’s not one for swimming. Although the two Garretts are not the same person, I feel it’s also important to point out that a mission involving zombies takes place on a boat in Thief: Deadly Shadows, and perhaps the reboot Garrett heard stories of that and immediately assumes boats are bad because of it. Who knows.

But no, Saphire, Garrett is not a fan of boats.

“Not much for conversations either…”

“Just row.”

“Yes sir.”

Unattributed dialogue?!


I mean, I can easily guess who’s saying what, but you still need to tell people just in case somebody doesn’t know, author!

They rowed in silence, Garrett didn’t feel the need to talk and Saphire seemed to at least respect that about him so she never spoke, she did keep on glancing at his right eye though and he knew why.

Even though the fiasco with the primal had ended he still had part of the stone embedded in his eye and it glowed softly a light turquoise, a contrast to his natural brown eyes.

Not sure how you would know what color Garrett’s eyes are, since you barely ever see them in plain light, bit that other bit about a piece of the primal stone being embedded in his eye is canon. The primal stone is the magic artifact that Erin gets fused with, and a piece of it breaks off and fuses into Garrett’s eye, allowing him heightened senses and the ability to receive psychic messages from Erin. It’s a key mechanic of the game that takes the place of the mechanical eye from the original trilogy.

“Okay… I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my life time but… a glowing eye has not been one of them, care to tell me what happened?”

“Care to mind your own business?” he growled.

It’s not specified how long after the events of the game this takes place, so for what we know, it could only have been like a month. Saphire has no business prying into Garrett’s, so Garrett is perfectly justified here.

Why the hell did you get so quiet all of a sudden?

Contacts: Thought I heard something.

Yeah, me talking, now pay attention.

She was smiling behind her mask, he could tell by the way her eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

Contacts: Yes yes, bright eyes has sparkly Sue eyes that lend their description to her name, we heard it one already author. WAIT FUCK WHY DID I SAY THAT?!

*Alarms Blare*

Nice going, prick.

Contacts: Sorry! Pardon me for not fucking catching myself sooner!

Look, just go deal with… Wait, why is it quiet?

*SC peeks outside*

Huh. Dealt with, and robbed of everything valuable. Have you learned how to darkstep at the speed of sound?

Contacts: N… No, not last I checked.

Is there another thief in the building? I’m not sure the ninjas have a tendency towards looting people.

Eh, we’ll worry about it later.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Surly Basso told you.”

Oh, Basso’s a GRUMPY boxman now, is he?

Contacts: You’d be pretty grumpy too, being a fence for a Sue.

Probably, yeah.

“No, he didn’t. Said you would introduce yourself.”

He raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head. “I thought he knew me better then that.”

“Well, apparently he doesn’t.”

Yeah, really.

But, you know, I recall you calling Garrett the “master thief”, which people call him as a title of reverence, which means to me that YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY KNOWN WHO HE WAS, SAPHIRE. Why does he or Basso need to tell you his name if you should already know it?


Oh fuck you, Garrett, I was trying to argue in your favor!

Saphire frowned and quirked her head to the side. “What?”

“My name is Garrett.”

“Oh, well I’m-.”

Contacts: 462a80631d1a3c09aad24302ce38b781b95e01b41094c5eda434fb16498dd611

Well put.

“Saphire, I know. Basso told me.”

Saphire blinked at him in confusion. “Oh.. okay but why would he…?”

“Do I look like Basso?”

She blinked a few times before muttering. “Depends on the light.”



…I don’t see it.

Garret glared and she went back to rowing the boat before she grounded it to a halt.

Stepping out and thankful to be on dry land, Garrett turned to his unwanted partner as she pulled out a staff it looked like but without the fancy handle at the top.

Contacts: You brought a quarterstaff to a thieving job? You fuckwit, do you know how clunky those things are in stealth situations? There’s a reason you have a Blackjack! It’s smaller, you can conceal it on your belt, IT DOESN’T LOUDLY BUMP THE WALLS IF YOU SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT THE WRONG WAY, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOUR SILHOUETTE STAND OUT IN THE LIGHT-


Contacts: Ow! Who the fuck threw that rock at me?

Wasn’t me.

Contacts: Well, anyhow, quarterstaves are not good thieving equipment. So there. I’d also like to note that uncommon equipment is yet another Sue trait here, since nobody in the Thief canon uses quarterstaves that I know of.

“This way then,” she said as she went off running, Garrett followed close behind her,

Garrett knows the ways into the asylum, shithead, he had to go there once before.

it was easy for him to keep up with her, she was skilled he would admit that about Saphire.

It’s easy for him to keep up with her… so that means she’s skilled? What? Uh, no, that means she just moves about as fast as Garrett does.

Implying skills that have not been demonstrated is also another Sue trait, especially with braggart Sues or authors who ate trying desperately to make their characters look cool, by the way. Not looking good for Saphire, here.

He wouldn’t admit it to her face, but he would in the privacy of his own mind.

And then puke everywhere when he realizes what he’s thinking.

“So.. what are we stealing exactly?” she whispered as they came up to the edge of the asylum, the front door had two guards standing in front of it and she grimaced behind the small bush they were hiding behind.

Two guards is “increased guard force?” Really? FOUR guards would indicate a jump in security, since that’s fine to completely block the gate and make lb knocking all the guards out impossible without alerting any of them; two is just standard fare, especially for Garrett.

Contacts: Two guards is easy. Just shoot a knockout gas arrow at their feet – boom, threat neutralized. Don’t even have to club them.

“Basso didn’t tell me, he doesn’t know himself, only that it’s worth a lot.”

“Hmm.. I had the feeling it was worth a pretty penny for the master thief to be on the job,” Saphire murmured as she studied the guards.

Of course, Garrett takes a lot of small jobs too for funsies, but in this case Basso did entice him into it.

And again, you knew he was the master thief, but still had to ask his name? Really? I mean, I know Contacts’ old master kept his name a secret from everybody, thieves included, but what would Garrett care? So long as the guards don’t get him, he’s perfectly fine telling a fellow thief his real name.

Sorry, I’m ranting again. Carry on.

“Only two of them? Basso said there were a lot,” Garrett mumbled.

“Maybe they’re on lunch break?”

Saphire took one look at the harsh glare from Garrett and turned back to the two guards.

Basso must have had shitty information.

Contacts: One. Piece. Of paper. Of COURSE he had shitty information.

They waited for a bit and when no one came, Saphire began to sneak around the side in the shadows careful to place her feet in the right place as she went, Garrett followed closely behind her.

“This is easy,” she mumbled as she went to climb over the wall into the side area of the asylum.

“A little too easy.”

That’s a sure sign of a trap springing.

Contacts: I’ll get the popcorn.

…But you already have a bowl.

Contacts: What the-? yeah, I do! SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS HERE RIGHT NOW?!

“Maybe the Baron thinks that because it’s on an island it’ll be safe?”

Garrett joined her over the top of the wall and landed next to her. “Or maybe this is a trap.”

The audience is free to deploy their Admiral Akbars as they see fit.

“You have a trouble with trusting people don’t you?”

“A” trouble? Oh, I think it goes far beyond that.

Garrett glanced over at her before he sneaked over to the door, with Saphire following behind him.

Your grammar is atrocious, by the way, author. And no, I don’t give a flying shit about your, “don’t like, don’t read, don’t review” policy, because it’s garbage.

I know that was out of left field, but I felt like making a point.

“I’ve learnt in my line of work the only person you can truly trust is yourself,” Garrett mumbled as he picked the lock, carefully sliding each bolt into it’s rightful place.

Contacts: Yeah, and the guy I was taught by told me that even THAT had a tendency to be a bad move.

You sure your old master wasn’t paranoid?

Contacts: I’M getting paranoid, with all this weird shit going on!

“We have got to work on your people skills,” Saphire mumbled as she followed him inside, before she carefully shut the door, before following the crouching thief down the corridor.

More atrocious grammar, poor sentence structure, awkward word choice…

A trifecta of fail.

Also, Saphire, Garrett doesn’t need people skills. Those have gotten him in more trouble than they’re worth.

He quickly stopped at a corner and peered around it to see two guards walking with a lantern in hand as they wondered the corridor.

Okay, I’m sick of making jokes – IT’S WANDERED, NOT WONDERED.

God, this is gonna become another exclaimed for me, isn’t it…

“What has the Baron got locked up in here?”

“How am I supposed to know? All I want to do is get paid and be rid of this place by morning. This place gives me the creeps.”

“You scared of the dark?”

“No, I’m just not found of it and with the stories-.”

The other guard glared at him. “Shut up about the stories, they’re not real.”

“But the patients-.”

“Are long gone.”

Blah blah blah. Unattributed dialogue makes me very uninterested in what’s being said by who.

The other huffed in annoyance. “Rumours are this place is haunted by their spirits. I swear I saw one of their spirits once.”

“I think the only spirits you’ve seen are the ones at the pubs, now come on.”

All told, though, the guard’s dialogue is the most believable dialogue I’ve heard in this whole fic.

Saphire and Garrett watched as they disappeared around the corner with the lantern before they moved to the stairs and began to carefully climb them, without making a sound.

“Do you think it’s true, what they said…” whispered Saphire. “About this place being haunted.”

Garrett turned to her and frowned. “We don’t need to worry about that. The dead are dead. They can’t hurt the living.”

Translation: yes, but fuck you, that’s my secret to keep and yours to leave me alone about.

Saphire frowned but followed after him non the less, it was quite, Garrett didn’t know what Basso was so worried about.

It took them a while, but they were able to find the painting and Garrett carefully felt around the edge for any triggers, snapping the two in place for the panel to slide across.

Saphire glanced at Garrett as he began to unpick the safe.

“What’s inside?”

“We’ll see won’t we?”

Wow, so you’re just gonna skip any of the sneaking or character development or action – which could do wonders towards describing those skills you claimed Saphire has – and go straight to the loot?

Contacts: I suppose it’s for the best – I’d likely have had a rage-seizure from how much she probably would have gotten wrong. Still weak, though.

Saphire frowned a little before she stood near the door watching for any men to come, that was the last thing they wanted, not when they were so close.

Considering that you decided to skip straight to the loot, I’m assuming there weren’t any men, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.

One last twist- Ka-klunk.

Having heard how locks sound when opened, I’m pretty certain that’s not correct.

Also, onomatopoeia? Really?

Garrett smirked as he put his lock picks away and carefully pulled the safe open as his eyes widened at the prize inside.

“What is it?” asked Saphire as she came closer.

“See for yourself,” Garrett muttered as he pulled it out.

“Oh my god…” whispered Saphire as she stared at the object before her.

Contacts: Come on, get on with it already!

It was a skull made of pure diamond.

Contacts: Don’t you do it.

Contacts: Don’t you dare.

Contacts: I see you getting ready, don’t-!

I guess this means they found a CRYSTAL SKULL?

Contacts: Ugh…

I am so sorry.

Contacts: Fuck you.

“That’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” she whispered as she continued to stare at it.

Ooh, diamonds. Pretty. Now get a fucking move on.

Garrett quickly put it away and walked back to the door, not before he closed the safe.

“We need to leave, now.”

“Yes sir.”

“Stop calling me ‘sir’ it’s irritating.”

“Okay…. Garrett? Can I call you Garrett?”

Garrett glared at her before sighing. “It is my name.”

Saphire stood for a few minutes bewildered before sighing. “Yes… I guess it is.”

Contacts: What the fuck was THAT conversation?

Stupid and nonsensical?

Contacts: Yeah, I agree with that.

They snuck through all the corridors dodging any guards they came across, like shadows in the night they drifted to the back door and then Garrett stopped abruptly and stared in shock.

“What is it?” Saphire whispered as she came round next to him and her eyes widened.

The place was full of guards, all with torches, swords and crossbows.

Like Garrett suspected, it was too easy.

Oh finally, some action!

Shoot and/or stab Saphire first, boys!

“We need to get to the boat, now.”

“Ya’ think?”

Contacts: Wow, Raven is EVERYWHERE in this fic.

I know! Old fart gets around, doesn’t he?

Saphire and Garret went sneaking into the darkness, keeping their bodies low to ovoid direction,

Ovoiding direction is actually surprisingly difficult. AVOIDING DETECTION, however, is pretty easy if you know how stealth works.

but they knew in the end, getting over the wall was going to be the hardest part, there was a light right on the wall.

You know, because the archers would need to be able to see where they’re walking. Otherwise you trip and fall off the wall.

Contacts: That actually happened to a guy during one of my early jobs. I got arrested because I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

“Where’d they all come from anyway?”

“Does it matter?”

Saphire sighed and looked up at the wall. “No, I guess not.”


Uh, I can answer that first question: they were probably lying in wait for you two shmucks to show up and get far enough in to lock off your escape routes. It’s actually a pretty common tactic, you see it with stick-and-box traps in hunting all the time.

Would I be thinking too highly of this author to assume that she knows what the stick-and-box trap is? Or how hunting works?

Contacts: I wouldn’t think so, she barely has a clue how thieving works.

Or stealth, in general. A cursory glance at her profile shows multiple Batman fics of similar poor quality – anybody with a passing knowledge of Batman knows that the guy prefers stealth if he can help it.

Contacts: Ghostie will have fun with those, then.

Oh yeah. Loads.

They both ran the climbed over the wall.

But because they neglected to do anything about the forces mounted on the wall, the second they hit the ground, they were both skewered by crossbow bolts and arrows from head to toe, and died before their bleeding corpses had even dropped off the island into the ocean. The end.

“Stop thief!”

Saphire and Garrett took off at a run at the mere mention of the word thief.

Or none of that very logical responsive action happened at all and I’m just hoping for the impossible.

It was times like this when Garrett missed the city, a place he knew far better then the guards,


*Contacts drops a beat*

Thank you.

Contacts: Contacts, pro wingman for hire. I do birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, school spirit events and weddings. Service charge is sixty bucks, with additional payment for equipment and man hours. My number is 1-800-HAH-NOPE.

Right, so, anyhow: Garrett knows the City BETTER than the guards? Even though he deals with the challenges of both on a regular basis? I don’t buy it.

but he wasn’t in the city, he was on the island for Moira and now they needed to head down to the boat.

“Quickly!” shouted Saphire, as she pushed the boat into the water, Garrett followed and when it was in deep enough they both got in and Saphire began to row.

“We need to get out of here,” Garrett instructed.

“What do you think I’m doing?” Saphire snapped back before she glanced up at the shore and saw a man getting a crossbow.

That man is me, leveling my shot at Captain Obvious, who appears to have reincarnated in Garrett’s body. This time, the bastard goes down for good!

“Garret get down!”


She stared in horror as a group of men with crossbows came.

Also I brought like-minded minions.


“Tip the boat.”


Contacts: That’s the second time you’ve asked that in as many minutes, Garrett. Pay-the fuck-attention.

Saphire grabbed the edges of the boat and tipped it over, making sure to hold onto the ores as they went under.

She lifted her head up into the small pocket of air the boat left and breathed before she slipped under the water again to peek up at the surface.

DAMN IT! Captain Obvious got away AGAIN!

Also, how does this author know that turtled boats create air pockets, but not how to write action scenes?

Contacts: She probably doesn’t know about that. The boat just got flipped, it didn’t sink. She probably thinks they’re just floating with a makeshift shield over their heads.

…That… That’s not how it works. Surely she must know that a turtled boat sinks, right? Because boats are designed in an oblong shape that doesn’t spread water evenly across their surface (because if it did, the boat wouldn’t glide through the water easily), so one end dips under the surface and drags the rest down with it? Surely she must know this.

*Contacts raises an eyebrow at SC*


(That’s actually a real thing, by the way – when you flip a small boat over and it sinks under the water, there’s a pocket of air that gets sucked in during the flipping process which pushes the water down and leaves you a hole to keep your head up and survive until you can get away from the wreck or right the boat. I’m pretty sure Taco could give further explanation if you ask him nicely.)

The guards were leaving, obviously they thought that because the boat had capsised they were dead.

Contacts: Bullshit. Even for the pseudo-medieval-Victorian times that the game is set in, the guards would be smart enough to know that flipping a boat doesn’t automatically guarantee the death of its occupants, and they would have fired as many arrows as their quivers had into the boat and the water to make damn sure of it. Wanna try that one again, author?

What the thief said. The guards are dumb, but not THAT dumb.

She smirked and carefully pushed the boat back to it’s rightful place and listed the ores into it.

She “listed” the oars into the boat?

Oh, here we go…

*SC pulls out a small dictionary*




Gerund or present participle: listing

1. (of a ship) to lean to one side, typically because of a leak or unbalanced cargo.

‘The boat listed to one side.’

Wanna try that one again, author?

“Ah, looks like we’re safe now Garrett,” she grinned as she climbed back into the boat, but he wasn’t there, she looked around the sea and she couldn’t see him. “Garrett?” she called but got no reply.

Contacts: Idiot Sue realizes Garrett can’t swim in three… two… one…

Her face went from pale to pure horrified white in a matter of seconds.

Contacts: There we are. Oh, and purposely putting the canon character in a position of weakness so that the Sue can swoop in and save the day when another alternative was probably available (I.e., she could have had Garrett hang on to the sides of the boat before she flipped it so that they could both share the air bubble and he could have a lifeline to keep his head above water) is, you guessed it, another strike on the Sue board.

I’d like to point out that righting a boat you’ve purposely flipped, if it’s big enough to hold two people, is not as simple as just, “and now we are upright again! Yayz!”. In fact, you might even call it a bit of a chore.

So how the fuck did Saphire flip it over by herself like it was nothing?

Oh boy, we are racking up the Sue strikes with this one!

“Oh, no, no, no, no!”

As far as I know, you are still in close enough proximity to the island for your voice to carry back to the guards and tell them you’re not dead. This should then bring them running with their bows for round two. Way to go, moron.

she quickly jumped back into the water and began to swim around, but it was so dark, how could she hope to even see him, he was wearing black for peat’s sake

Ladies and gentlemen: Peat.

Ladies and gentlemen: Peat.

and… wait what was.. his eye!

You know, it occurs to me that after the events if the game, the primal stone was destroyed. Shouldn’t that also mean the bit in Garrett’s eye either doesn’t work anymore or is also destroyed?

Contacts: Maybe it’s one of those things where a bit that breaks off from the core has its own self-maintenance properties or something. I dunno, maybe ask Booky about it later.

She swam towards the small glow in the gloom of the water and grabbed him under his arms before she began to swim to the surface, bursting through the water she took a deep gulp of air and swam to the boat, hoisting Garrett onto it’s dry surface before climbing in herself.

“Dry?” My ass, just because the air bubble kept the water down doesn’t mean water didn’t still splash the deck when you flipped it.

Also, the act of dragging Garrett into the boat should probably have flipped it again, considering ask the shit he’s wearing and the fact that they’re all water-soaked now, as well as yours.

She looked over at him and saw he was unconscious, or at least that’s what she hoped.

Contacts: Punch his chest once good, you’ll find out real quick.

She was into action emidiatly, pulling his scarf down from his face before she began to put pressure onto his chest.

“Come on, Garrett,” she urged as she kept going, pushing her hands down on his chest as she looked over his form and face. “Come on, Garrett, breath!”

He was waking up, she wasn’t going to give up, not ever. She hadn’t killed him, she couldn’t of done.

“Come on, Garrett, just breath!” she urged as she kept going. “Come on!”

She drew a sigh of relief as he spluttered and coughed the water up out of his lungs, going onto his side to spit more out as he took in well needed air before he cautiously sat up in the boat to see Saphire leaning back, her head in her hands.

Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three reasons why that shouldn’t have worked. She never indicated that she was applying pressure to the appropriate sweet spot, she didn’t tilt his head back to clear the windpipe for when he spat up, and for what I know, she didn’t keep any set rhythm. I’m sure more medically-inclined folks can site anything I might have missed.

“Don’t ever do that again.”

What, call you on your shit? Make me, bitch.

She quickly sat up and gaped at him. “I saved your life!”

Oh, that was GARRETT talking! Oh, uh, my bad, sorry Garrett.

“You saved my life by almost drowning me? That’s new.”

Contacts: In one sense, yes, she did. But only because the guards are apparently drunk as shit. However, in the realm of common sense, Garrett has every right to be pissed at her, because she gave him no chance to prepare himself before she pulled her little stunt, and she didn’t exactly take the time to confirm that he knew how to swim, which he doesn’t. It wouldn’t have even taken that long: “Can you swim?” “No.” “Then hang on to the edges, we’ve gotta flip.” “Alright, go for it.” Boom, disaster could have been averted.

Saphire glared. “You’re alive aren’t you?! It’s better then having a bolt through you!”

“I think the bolt would of been less stressful.”

She threw her hands up in the air before she began to row again. “Why didn’t you tell me you can’t swim? I mean, we’re on a boat!”

“I didn’t think you were going to capsize the boat.”

That and you never thought to ask, so in turn, he never thought that he would need to tell you. Funny how that works.

“Fine, next time, I’ll let you get shot,” she growled.

Garrett gave her a glare. “There won’t be a next time.”

Contacts: For one, because Garrett is smart enough to deal with the guards in the first place so that they won’t trouble him later, and for another, because he’s never working with your sorry ass again. SUCK IT, SUE.

“Fine by me.”

Contacts: Whoa, seriously? Lady, that “suck it” was an insult, not an invitation. You’re probably not even that good at THAT, I’d be wasting my time.

*insert lewd picture here*

Garrett raised an eyebrow at her at her comment as she looked up at him and then away to the side.

The rest of the trip from the boat to the Crippled Burrick was in silence, neither thieves wanting to talk to each other, just get the job done and be gone.

By the way, I take great pleasure in the fact that the author went out of her way to set up the Sue to capture Garrett’s heart, and Garrett’s attitude STILL ended up shutting her down.

Master thief, INDEED.

When they got there Basso looked over them in slight shock.

“Care to tell me what happened?” he questioned as he looked over their soaking wet forms and noticed that were they were standing was slowly growing a puddle of water.

Contacts: Yeah, Basso, your prick-ass forced Garrett into a situation that almost killed him which could easily have been avoided if you hasn’t insisted on making the contrivance his only option for completing the job. That’s what happened. Hope you’re happy, fuckball.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Garrett murmured.

“Ha, you never do!” Basso laughed. “What I want to know is why you both look like that,” a smirk fell on his face as he examined the two thieves, “Did things on the boat get a little… frisky?”

Basso, you’re like one sentence away from me dragging you through the screen and bitch-slapping the fuck out of you.

“NO!” snapped Saphire. “I saved his life.”

“Ya did if you did what I think you did, Saphire,” Basso chuckled.


Saphire’s eyes widened and she went a bright red under her mask. “What? No! Th- that’s not what happened!”

Much to her surprise Garrett was able to keep his face completely expressionless and simply stared off into the shadows.

Saphire narrowed her eyes at him before turning to Basso. “I don’t even get why you wold think I would even go for stick like him!”

Contacts: Because it was your game plan, and the only reason you’re saying the shit that you are is because it fouled up something fierce and you’re pissed about it. Don’t lie, we all know.

Garrett turned to her at her comment before turning back to Basso. “I don’t know why you would even think I would go for an amateur like her.”

“Right that’s it!” she snapped. “I not be a master thief, but at least I can swim!”

“That’s the only thing you can do good.”


*Contacts covers his mouth and goes, “Ooooooooh!”*

Saphire had no control over her next action, she punched him square in the jaw before storming out and into the darkness.

Aw come on, Garrett should have totally caught that.

Contacts: I know, right? Lame.

…You know that wasn’t me saying that, right?

Contacts: What? Yeah it was, you didn’t put a bolded name in front of it.

I don’t speak in italics unless I’m making a point or pushing emphasis.


*Contacts snaps his bow open and notches a fire arrow on the drawstring*

Contacts: WHO THE FUCK?!

Garrett stood rubbing his jaw, glaring after her and Basso was smirking.

“What?” he growled.

“That was better then the time my wife left me,” he chuckled. “You have a way with the ladies Garrett.”

“Just pay me.”


And in the end, Saphire left pissed off and having forfeited her cut. Nice going, ace.

Note: Right not my usual work so… I hope it was okay. I’ve just started to play the Thief game and I loved it so much I thought I’d try to write a story…

It wasn’t. And there’s more than the one Thief game, if you ever bother to look.

I don’t know how soon I’ll update simply because I’m not used to writing this.

As of this riff, she has not updated in two months. This could mean anything, though, as I have two fics that haven’t seen much activity for longer than that which I’m still interested in continuing at some point.

Any way I hope it was okay and the characters were like they are in the game,

Again, it wasn’t, and for the most part the canon characters were… Okay, at best. You certainly didn’t nail them, bit you didn’t screw them up beyond recognition either.

I also hope my OC fitted in nicely,

She couldn’t have been any worse of a sore thumb if she tried. And trust me, I’ve seen characters who have fucking rainbow eyes, wings for no good reason, hybrid genes because they just have to be special, and hair that can’t decide what obscenely painful color it is. That should tell you right there how bad Saphire was if she ranks among that number.

if not then I’m sorry but hey… first time right and you get better. :)

Psh. I’ve got a quote from you that names you a hypocrite on that claim.

So I hope you enjoyed this :)

Based on this riff, I think it’s pretty clear that I didn’t.

“But, SC! wasn’t there a quote you were talking about a second ago?”

Ah, what timing, hypothetical voice of the audience! Yes, I did say that!

And here’s the quote, straight from the author’s profile:

Okay I have a policy too. If you don’t like my stories, then don’t read and don’t review! It saves me a whole lot of hassle! :D Thanks so much!

Yes, you did read that right. This is that policy I mentioned earlier in the riff.

Roughly translated, it says, “if you’re not here to kiss my ass, don’t bother, because I don’t actually give a shit about my writing and am only here to fulfill my fangirl wishes and show off that I have the imagination enough to write words in a text document for the internet to see.”

“But, SC! isn’t that a bit harsh to assume?”

Ha! Oh, that’s funny.

*SC removes his glasses and hooks then on his shirt*

Let me remind you, hypothetical voice of the audience, that one of the greatest resources available to writers is peer review. A compliment is nice, sure, but what really helps you is the ones who tell you what’s right or wrong with your story.

In that regard, the Library of the Damned may well be one of the greatest assets to any fic writer’s cause. Not only are we providing entertainment by making fun of badfics, we’re providing tips on what NOT to do and why by picking apart every single agonizing sentence IN the fic being made fun of. Be you the author themself or an outside reader, our words are a goldmine if you choose to utilize them.

What’s more, we care about seeing YOU improve. If we didn’t, we’d just let you live under all your paid lip service and inevitably fail. We wouldn’t bother to take time out of our busy lives to slave over each and every poorly-written detail in your mediocre fic and point out what’s wrong and why. We wouldn’t put forth the strain of getting mad when you fuck up. We wouldn’t spend days on end researching minute, pointless details to prove a point. We would just let you drop like a rock.

Therein lies my point:

When you write shit like, “Don’t like? Don’t read, don’t review,” we see that as an insult. A slap right in the face of our efforts. And we get mad as a result of it.

And let me tell you, it’s NOT a good idea to make me mad. Because when I get mad, I don’t hulk out and smash shit. When I get mad, I turn rebellious and vicious. I want to take everything you don’t like and cram it right in your face. When you say “no,” I want to reply “yes” just to see you get pissed off at me for defying you. When I get mad, I stop caring whether you like me or think me the devil incarnate once I’m done tearing you a new asshole.

And why do I do that when I get mad?

Because even when I’m mad, I’m still trying to get through to you. But now, you’ve pushed me to a point where I’m not trying to ease you into it, I’m trying to hammer your fucking skull and make you listen whether you want to or not.

So when I saw this author’s “policy,” my mind immediately went from “compassionate” to “ruin this little punk.” And she only has herself to blame there.

Maybe this will be a good lesson to other authors: if you want to be good at writing and not have people like me throwing a Dead Man’s Hand at your Two of a Kind, don’t make stupid policies like, “Don’t like? Don’t read, don’t review” for your stuff. But if you want to not care, maybe you should just quit while you’re ahead. Because it’s only downhill from here for you if that’s where you want to go.

So, no, hypothetical voice of the audience, I’m not being harsh. I’m being exactly as rough as I need to be.

*SC puts his glasses back on*

And with that, we’re done here.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! No idea what’s coming next, but just know that it’s coming! In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Contacts and whoever the creep is lurking around in the shadows in this riffing chamber, I’ll see you next time!

Contacts: …Alright, you sorry fuck! The riff’s over! Show your face, or I’m lighting this whole room on-

Suddenly, Lady-Thief: Hey, Contacts.

Contacts: Eep!

O... Hai, Lady-Thief?

O… Hai, Lady-Thief?

…Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be Contacts’ old master, would you?

Master: Quite. I was also the “creep” who was screwing with you this whole time.


Horrified!Contacts: Because she’s an asshole, why do you think?

Master: Basically, yeah.

Contacts, I thought your old master was a guy?

Contacts: No, she’s always been a woman, her gender is just impossible to determine when she’s in her full uniform.

That’s not her full uniform?

Master: Nope.

Huh. Well, uh, good that you were able to join us after all. The fact that neither of us could figure you out is a testament to your abilities.

Master: Thanks. It was fun. Now, Contacts, would you like to put that arrow away before you get hurt?

Contacts: Yes ma’am.

Gonna have to update Contacts’ profile, I guess…


108 Comments on “1005: Saphire – Oneshot”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And now everybody’s favorite part – the infodump:

    Yay! SC Infodumps!

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If the only way you can think to reboot a series is to say that all the established canon is really old now and things are different so that you can write your own new canon without the fans screaming heresy at you, you haven’t rebooted the series – you’ve just hijacked it for your own with fulfillment.

    Wait, so the Thief reboot is essentially the Parallel Realities of the Thief series.

    Now there’s a disturbing thought!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Basso stood in his room at the Crippled Burrick as he sorted through the lists of things people wanted to be stolen or things that could be stolen.


    You need a list for things that could be stolen? How bad are people at keeping track of things?

    • GhostCat says:

      What kind of piss-poor professional thief carries around a list of potential targets? Just stencil the word “THIEF” across your forehead and save the Watch the trouble.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I haven’t played the game itself so I wouldn’t be able to confirm, but I get the feeling this is yet another case of game mechanics being transliterated to fanfic. SC?

      • SC says:

        As far as I know, Basso doesn’t use a list, but it doesn’t mean it’s not plausible. Given that his cover is a boxman, it could be a list disguised as a shipment order for somebody that a client sent him discreetly.

    • SC says:

      Well, he’s a fence, so it could be a client list or things to steal that he’s working his way down.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Basso, you used to be a thief, where the hell do you get off?

    “In the alleyway right over there. You wouldn’t believe how many maidens I’ve made squirm in pleasure back there!”

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    There is no God damned way you could possibly know all this from just one sheet of paper.

    Ten bucks says he got the PCC-Brand Bottomless Paper.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    What, do you think we’re stupid or something, Basso?

    Obviously. I mean, he is talking to an audience of idiots, don’t you know.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Basso, you’re not very good at pattern recognition, are you?

    Sssssh! SC! Sue!

  8. leobracer says:

    Tried playing the new Thief game once. I couldn’t get into it. Something about it just didn’t intrigue me.

    In all honesty, I found the stealth mechanics in the new Wolfenstein game to be more fun than what was in Thief.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I keep hearing all sorts of good stuff about the new Wolfenstein game. Jeez, I should probably pick it up at some point…

    • SC says:

      Yeah, the original Thief series was way more intuitive with the stealth. You were penalized every time you fought, killed, left evidence behind, or were detected. It made it so that you were more careful about your movements. In the reboot, you have the option of just popping out and busting skulls if you get sick of sneaking around, with little to no setbacks, so it kind of just kills the whole feeling because what’s the point of being sneaky if you don’t have any good reason to other than play style?

      The new Wolfenstein game does stealth another interesting way – yes you have all these guns, but the enemies are just tricky enough that going and busting out guns akimbo on them isn’t a very viable strategy because it’ll get you killed, but if you can sneak around and quietly pick them off, you end up with much better odds.

      They’re both really nice takes on the stealth genre.

      • leobracer says:

        I heard that one of the original Wolfenstein games in the 90’s also had stealth mechanics in it.

        I can’t remember which one though.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, no, me either. Not off the top of my head, anyhow.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        The Tomb Raider reboot was also really great with stealth, actually. Half the time, the enemies could gun you down really quickly, and there was always a way you can take down enemies quietly if given the option to do so.

        Didn’t mean it was easy, but it was fun.

      • SC says:

        I don’t play stealth games hoping they’ll be easy, so that doesn’t bother me much.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    How does one bite words out?

    For reference, I actually tried to bite words out just now.

    I ended up feeling like I was in one of those poorly dubbed 60’s martial arts movies. It’s a weird, weird feeling…

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It’s not even spelled right. Who names their kid after a jewel, and does it wrong?”

    The PCC, of course!

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He heard the groan of some wood and his hand rested on his black jack

    Damn, Garret, I didn’t know you were into black dudes!

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “You’re not quite what I was expecting.”

    Garrett raised an eyebrow. “What were you expecting?”

    “Someone a little bigger,” she smirked as she wondered over to him.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    his back being straight as a bored


    How in the world do you get a back that’s straight as an emotion?

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I mean, I can easily guess who’s saying what, but you still need to tell people just in case somebody doesn’t know, author!

    Hey, at least it wasn’t any of the other fics around here with unattributed dialogue where you got that with nine or ten people in the scene. At least there’s that.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She blinked a few times before muttering. “Depends on the light.”

    Oh God, that was an attempt at a quip, wasn’t it?


    At least she didn’t qualify it the way the two Stupards constantly did it?

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    she was skilled he would admit that about Saphire.

    You’re willing to admit that she’s skilled at her thing, even though you just got on the island.

    Yes, ’cause that makes sense!

    • SC says:

      And all they’re doing is running.

      What skill?

      She’s good at fucking off?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Apparently. Though, hey: I suppose it’s a good tactic to keep some distance away from Garrett, who’s trying to break out of the Suefluence and all that.

      • SC says:

        He’s the only character to date to physically struggle against the Sue.

        I couldn’t be more proud…!

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “No, I’m just not found of it and with the stories-.”


    How do you get “found” of something?

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Saphire glanced at Garrett as he began to unpick the safe.

    Unpick the safe? So it’s actually unlocked, but you’re locking it back up?

    Why!? You’re trying to steal it, not bolster the security for these guys!

    • SC says:

      Plus, having seen the safes you’re apt to come across in game, I’m fairly certain he couldn’t pick it anyhow.

      I mean, look:

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        There’s usually a way to deal with that. I think.

        Actually, yeah, that makes even less sense.

      • SC says:

        He couldn’t pick it with door picks. He’d have to do the old, “put your ear on the door and twist slowly until you hear it click” method, and nine times if I’m counting the locks correctly.

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, onomatopoeia? Really?


    NO! ONOMATOPOEIA! What’s onomatopoeia doing in this FANFIC when I told you NO! ONOMATOPOEIA! EVER! I work and work until I’m half-dead, and I hear people say “he’s getting old”. And what do I get? A fanfic writer… who cares as much about the beautiful prose I give her… as she cares about ME! What’s onomatopoeia doing in this fanfict?! ANSWER ME!

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She stared in horror as a group of men with crossbows came.


    Ten bucks says that the author was thinking of this scene the whole time:

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She smirked

    *ties Taco to the chair with bolt-tape*

    I’m not taking any chances.

    • SC says:

      How do I not notice these things? How?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Even better? When I hit Ctrl + F to find my place, I picked up at least three times that she smirked throughout the whole thing.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, and I’m seeing at least two instances where I forgot to put pictures in place I was going to (marked by the “insert here” notes), along with way more misspellings than I usually make in a riff.

        Wow, I was really tired when I did this.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        And there were a couple of missed blockquotes, too.

        Moral of the story? Don’t turn into Ulrich-Stu, and remember to get sleep!

      • SC says:

        I missed some blockquotes? Whoa, that is REALLY bad for me.

        Part of it was that I procrastinated a bit, too, so it’s probably a mix of being tired and rushing.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Meh, it’s just a smirk, not that-

      Basso smirked. “You can’t get in without her help, Garrett.”

      “I’m good thanks,” she smirked as she pushed herself off the wall.

      “Someone a little bigger,” she smirked as she wondered over to him.

      She smirked and carefully pushed the boat back to it’s rightful place and listed the ores into it.

      a smirk fell on his face as he examined the two thieves

      Garrett stood rubbing his jaw, glaring after her and Basso was smirking.

      Your TacoMagic has encountered a flagrant system error. Please reset the unit to factory defaults in order to resume normal operation. If this continues to be a problem, please limit the unit’s exposure to smirking. Thank you.

  22. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh, and purposely putting the canon character in a position of weakness so that the Sue can swoop in and save the day when another alternative was probably available (I.e., she could have had Garrett hang on to the sides of the boat before she flipped it so that they could both share the air bubble and he could have a lifeline to keep his head above water) is, you guessed it, another strike on the Sue board.

    Not to mention that she’d be saving him from the mess she created.

    Good job, lady.

  23. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Fine, next time, I’ll let you get shot,” she growled.

    “Just remember, I’m not gonna ask how much you like taking an arrow to the knee before I do it!”

    • SC says:

      Pfft, like anybody could successfully shoot Garrett.

      He’s far too good for that (when he’s not being Suefluenced).

  24. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Right that’s it!” she snapped. “I not be a master thief, but at least I can swim!”

    “That’s the only thing you can do good.”

  25. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh god, the spelling! It BURNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

  26. AdmiralSakai says:

    She stared in horror as a group of men with crossbows came.

    Good to see this ‘fic has inherited My Immortal‘s hideous positioning of the words “come” and “came”.

  27. GhostCat says:

    Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three reasons why that shouldn’t have worked. She never indicated that she was applying pressure to the appropriate sweet spot, she didn’t tilt his head back to clear the windpipe for when he spat up, and for what I know, she didn’t keep any set rhythm. I’m sure more medically-inclined folks can site anything I might have missed.

    She also never gave him mouth-to-mouth; chest compressions focus on the heart. They also tend to crack the sternum or ribs if done correctly.

    • SC says:

      I think there’s another one, too, though I’m not sure if the hammer fist-slam on the chest is used to quickly break the bones in the sternum for compressions or as a workaround to not having shock pads.

  28. SFY says:

    Ugh. Why do I keep getting into argument with Doctor Who fans? This one isn’t even on ff.net, it’s on a forum about a Doctor Who mod for Fallout.

  29. TacoMagic says:

    She seemed to be making her own observations as her eyes drifted over his form before meeting his gaze.


  30. TacoMagic says:

    It was a skull made of pure diamond.

    Murray dun got blinged!

  31. TacoMagic says:

    (That’s actually a real thing, by the way – when you flip a small boat over and it sinks under the water, there’s a pocket of air that gets sucked in during the flipping process which pushes the water down and leaves you a hole to keep your head up and survive until you can get away from the wreck or right the boat. I’m pretty sure Taco could give further explanation if you ask him nicely.)

    Another important thing to acknowledge there is that, especially in the time-period of thief games (including the reboot) boats were primary made of wood. Even a fully swamped boat of this size would tend to continue floating for quite a while. A ship is a different story because the ballast/cargo will tend to make it sink, but a small rowboat could float for days just on the buoyancy of the materials.

    So far as the air-pocket goes, it IS a thing. However, there are issues. First, the air inside that pocket is quite limited, especially when exerting yourself; they’ve got a few minutes at best. Second, this rowboat is made of wood, and it’s being shot-at by crossbows, likely with broadheads. These are projectiles that make very short work of steel plate armor, so the wood plank of a rowboat won’t actually offer as much protection as the author thinks. Additionally, once these bolts poke a few holes in the boat, that air pocket is going away as the boat swamps upside-down. It’ll still be afloat, but it’ll also be completely filled with water.

  32. TacoMagic says:

    Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three reasons why that shouldn’t have worked. She never indicated that she was applying pressure to the appropriate sweet spot, she didn’t tilt his head back to clear the windpipe for when he spat up, and for what I know, she didn’t keep any set rhythm. I’m sure more medically-inclined folks can site anything I might have missed.

    The most important thing to recognize is that, while CPR was a thing far before the victorian era, few people outside of the medical profession really know about it until very recently (specifically 1946 when a huge polio outbreak made common knowledge of basic cardiopulmonary resuscitation very important). Before that, the methods were only really known to those of medical professions, midwives, and sailors. None of which describe our Sue’s profession.

  33. TacoMagic says:

    So how the fuck did Saphire flip it over by herself like it was nothing?

    Now that you mention it, how did she capsize this boat in the first place? It’s not exactly an easy feat, especially with another person in the boat giving it inertia to resist the flip. Sailing boats are one thing, but this is a small rowing boat with a low center of gravity. They tend to want to stay upright, even if you distribute all your weight to one side. In general, they’ll tend to swam upright and resist flipping entirely.

    Now a canoe, fair enough, those are pretty easy to flip because they ride so high, (almost too easy *cough*) but I didn’t see the word canoe anywhere in the fic.

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