987: Gargoyles, Pirates, and the Luftwaffe – and – Breaking into a serial killer’s house is a bad idea – One Shots Double Day!

Title 1: Gargoyles, Pirates, and the Luftwaffe
Title 2: Breaking into a serial killer’s house is a bad idea
Author: Blitz190
Media: Movie / TV Show / Cartoons
Topic:  Gargoyles
Genre 1: Adventure / Mystery
Genre 2: Humor / Horror
URL 1: Chapter One
URL 2: One Shot
Critiqued by Lyle

Why, hello there, everyone!  I’ve a special treat for you today.  A long while ago, one of our patrons “Stan” submitted a couple of Gargoyles fanfics for our consideration.  Both are by author Blitz190 and both are incredibly short, albeit horrible.  Due to their length, I’ll be riffing them together.  While the titles themselves speak for the horror we’re about to experience, the summaries are really the icing on the cake. Before we start, though, I’ll briefly summarize Gargoyles for those who had a very sad childhood.

Gargoyles is a cartoon movie that spawned a television series.  It is about some Scottish Gargoyles that were frozen in stone from ye old Medieval times until about the mid 1990’s.  In the 90’s, they are transported to Manhattan and awoken by David Xanatos, Resident Rich Douchecanoe.  For the most part, it’s about Goliath, the head Gargoyle, and Elisa, the human detective that helps them, and how the gargoyles adapt to living in the 21st century and learn that Xanatos is a dick.  There’s a lot more to it, but none of it is relevant to this fic.  If you’re interested in learning more, I highly suggest you go check it out and at least watch the movie.

The Gargoyles, for visual reference.

The Gargoyles, for visual reference.

Now, back to the fics.  The first one I’ll tackle is titled “Gargoyles, Pirates, and the Luftwaffe.”  The Luftwaffe, for those unfamiliar with that word, was the Nazi air force during Hitler’s regime.  The summary is pure gold.

After a skirmish with two air pirate gangs the manhattan clan finds themselves in another time…with one missing they all where sent back in time to London during the blitz except for Brooklyn he somehow landed in France and…unknowingly joins the luftwaffe? This is going to be weird… I don’t own Crimson Skies or Gargoyles Only a slight crossover with crimson skies. Only in 1

*cracks knuckles*  Let’s break this down a little bit.  There are so many things wrong with this paragraph.

*takes a deep breath*

Missing comma, Manhattan should be capitalized, period missing (and subsequently missing a capitalization), “The Blitz” should be capitalized as it represents a period of time, question mark is inappropriate (although I understand that the author is trying to create a sense of wtf, which that statement in itself creates without added punctuation), waaaaay too many ellipses used, missing period, failure to capitalized Crimson Skies the second time it is used, and the last sentence just sort of ends because the author reached the end of the word limit and didn’t stop typing or attempt to shorten the summary.

*wheezes*

I think I got it all.

So, from the summary this story is supposed to be about the Gargoyles somehow ending up in 1940 or 1941 England, with the exception of Brooklyn.  He’s in France and joins Nazi Germany’s air force.  I can understand him doing it unknowingly.  He’s from sometime in the 900’s.  He was stone for WWII.

Zapping into 1940’s England is the premiss of one of the TV series’ story arcs, but it only involved Goliath.  Not the whole crew.  Are we getting a re-write?

Crimson Skies is a computer game that I’m unfamiliar with.  But that’s okay.  This is only a slight crossover.

tumblr_inline_mhie3oq37g1qz4rgp

How can something be a slight crossover?!  If you’re using something from another source material, it’s a crossover.  Oh, whatever.  Let’s get to the first story.

I’ll continue this if people think it’s good enough.

He only ever wrote one chapter, so I’m guessing it wasn’t considered good enough.

*checks the reviews*

Three people reviewed.  All were positive.  I don’t get it.

The sound of heavy machine guns and cannons ripped through the noise of New York City. The Night Hunters where after another cargo ship. As the ship was hit by an arial torpedo and slowly begun to sink the zeppelin pandora appeared to retrieve the cargo. The Fortune Hunters are working with the Night Hunters on this…

Not horrible, all things considered.  However, this is the second time he’s used “where” when it should be “were.”  Aerial is missing the “e” and “Pandora” needs to be capitalized.  Another random ellipsis.

“I thought these guys where supposed to be easy!” Yelled Brooklyn as he was being chased by a devestator

Maybe I’m just used to reading crap like My Immortal but the mechanics and spelling issues really aren’t terrible.

“They where the first time!” Replied Goliath

That’s going to get on my nerves, though, if he keeps using “Where” instead of “Were.”  And capitalizing things like “replied” and “yelled” is a bit grating, too.

“What are they after anyway?”

“I’m not sure but we can’t let them get it!”

“Maybe it’s that glowing stone?”

“Not surprising…”

“What?”

“Nothing”

This is where I start getting critical.  All we know is that there are some bad enemies chasing the gargoyles Brooklyn and Goliath.  Are they in the air?  Are they on the ground?  Where are they, other than New York City?  There’s absolutely no description!  And where is the glowing stone?  Do the gargoyles have it?  Does the enemy?  Is it floating in the nothingness with everything else?

Then the stone seemed to let off some kind of energy burst and the next thing the gargoyles knew they where in another city…in another time…

That was about the most anti-climatic time shift ever.  What the hell?

“W-w-w-w-where are we…what happened?!” Asked Lexington nervously

That’s overkill on the stutter, there, Blitz.

“I…I don’t know…” Replied Goliath

Yeah, neither do we.  We’ve gone from a nondescript section of either New York City, or the sky above New York City, to a blank nothingness.

Our scene, ladies and gentlemen.

Our scene, ladies and gentlemen.

“Where’s Brooklyn?”

“Good question…”

Who is talking?  It’s implied that Lexington was there, but if he was there, are the other gargoyles there, too?  Everyone but Brooklyn is supposed to be accounted for according to the summary, but nothing in the body of the story has told us how many of the gargoyles are actually present.

“Goliath is that you?” Asked Griff

“It’s so dark in here I can’t see a thing!”

“Griff what happened? where are we?” Asked Goliath

Why the hell would Griff know?  Did he activate the glowing stone?

“We are in London dear boy where else would I be.”

So was he already there?  I guess that would make sense since Griff is a British gargoyle.  He’s actually from the WWII era, but gets brought to the future in one of the story arcs.

“What year is it?”

Who the fuck is talking?

“It’s 1940”

“1940…not again”

*facepalm*

Okay, so this isn’t a rewrite of the original story arc.  Goliath has returned to 1940, this time with his posse in tow.  At least the author got the year right.  *passes Blitz a cookie*

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing…nothing”

The unattributed dialogue, it burns.

Here’s my big question: If this is after Goliath’s initial trip to 1940, why is Griff there?  He was pulled forward in time to 1995 when Goliath left 1940 the first time around.  If they’re running into Griff now, that would mean that they’ve zapped back to a point in time before Goliath showed up the first time.  That would mean that Griff wouldn’t recognize Goliath as he would not have met him previously.  Yet he greeted Goliath  by name.  That implies he does know him.  So if they’ve zapped back to 1940 after Griff has met Goliath, but before he’s pulled into 1995, that means the first time Goliath went back in time is currently still happening and now we have two Goliaths running around 1940’s London.

This is why messing with time is stupid.

Well that was chapter 1. Chapter 2 will focus on Brooklyn who ended up in France…

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that there never was a second chapter.  Apparently three positive reviews was not enough for Blitz to consider writing more.  This was posted July 2013, so we’re probably safe from additional chapters.

Well, that was relatively harmless, wasn’t it?  Let’s check out the second story on today’s roster: Breaking into a serial killer’s house is a bad idea.

This story is slightly longer and a lot less sensical.  The summary is even better than the first one.

Lexington and Brooklyn make a mistake by breaking into a serial killer’s apartment… Simple one shot Sorry that this story sucks :( I wrote it quickly I don’t own gargoyles

If you acknowledge how bad your story is, don’t post it!  If even you can tell your story sucks, delete it and find something else to do.

Breaking into an serial killer’s apartment is a bad idea

That’s not inaccurate.

Lexington and Brooklyn sat in front of the TV bored as hell.

“I can’t believe we are the ones who have to stay back and guard the clock tower” Brooklyn said glumly

“Maybe if you didn’t scare those people for fun we would be on patrol” Lexington shot back

Hey!  Dialogue attribution!  We’re missing some punctuation, but at least we know who’s talking this time around.

“You know Lex I heard that they found that killer guy’s apartment”

“Yeah so we where told to stay out of that case remember?”

“I know but we could have a look around”

“We aren’t breaking into a serial killer’s apartment!”

“Why not?”

“That guy is too dangerous”

“Haha yeah right, we could bring him to the station”

“No never theres no way I’m going”

“Hahaha you scared?”

“WHAT?! NO!”

“Then come on”

Considering that there are only two characters present, not having attribution is fine.  We know who is talking by following the flow of the conversation and the cues.  Brooklyn wants to check it out.  Lexington doesn’t.  The sporadic punctuation, however, is jarring.

Brooklyn put on his armor and flew off. Lexington followed un surly.

Un surly.  Un.  Surly.  Un. Surly.

Surly: Adjective.  Rude, uncouth, bad-tempered.

Un: English prefix for “not”

Un: French masculine word for “a”

So either Lexington has a bad temper, or he doesn’t.  The sad thing is that the author probably was trying to say that Lex was unsure about the situation, that he was nervous or edgy.  However, if I were to be dragged unwillingly toward a mass murderer’s house, I’d probably be a little surly myself.

The two landed on the apartment’s balcony

That was awfully easy to find.

“The doors locked we can’t get in” lex said happily

“Not anymore” Brooklyn said as he smashed the sliding door

“Are you crazy?! You can’t do that!”

“I just did”

Wow.  Brooklyn is being a dick.  And he’s also breaking and entering.  You need a warrant, dude.

“We are going to be in so much trouble”

“Ahh shut up and look around”

“Fine”

“Hey this guy has a nice place, it’s two floored”

“He’s got um…a lot of guns”

“All the same one too. Looks old to me”

“Maybe it is?”

“Look here!”

“What?”

“It’s a different gun. I kinda like it”

“Brooklyn no. Just no. You can’t steal a gun”

“He’s a criminal it doesn’t matter”

*grabs her dictionary*

*SMACK!*

No!  Bad gargoyle!  Stealing a gun is never okay.  It doesn’t matter who owned it originally!

Also, some description would be nice here.  This author has a tendency toward “dialogue only” writing.  It makes stories incredibly dull when you’re not given any indication what anything looks like.

“So what? You will be to if you steal that”

“No one will know”

“He will”

“How do you know?”

“I just have a bad feeling”

Wait, if the authorities found the guy already how would he know they’ve been in his house?  Or is it that they’ve just found the apartment but they’ve yet to locate the killer?  That’s vital information to have before poking around in a wanted man’s abode.

“It’s just nerves toughen up”

“That gun is silver plated and probably valuable”

“That’s what makes it so much better”

“Please don’t take it”

But Brooklyn already had clipped the holster onto his belt and grabbed as many magazines he could carry

Magazines?  You break into a guy’s house and take a gun and magazines?  I thought your reasoning for going there was to take him down to the station if you found him.

“If he would have noticed he would be down here”

“Maybe your right”

Just then Lexington accidentally bumped into a glass pot and it smashed on the floor. Then foot steps could be heard running around upstairs

“Lex you woke him up!”

“It was an accident!”

“He’s probably coming down right now!”

“We better get out of here!”

“For once I agree with you!”

Wait.  Waaaait, wait, wait.  He was asleep upstairs the entire time?  You’ve been talking to each other with no indication you’ve been whispering, and that didn’t wake him up.  You smashed the fucking sliding glass door in and he didn’t wake up.  But knocking over the vase woke him up?!  Seriously?

images

Then a shirtless, muscled grey haired man came running down the stairs carrying a pistol in one hand and a spas 12 in the other

A lot of good that spas 12 is going to do him.  You need two hands to fire that baby or you’re going to get a hell of a kickback.

spas12

Unless he has the extendable hook option that allows it to  grip his forearm for single-handed firing.  It isn’t specified, though, so I have to assume it’s base model and lacks the hook.

“Get the fuck out of my apartment!” The man yelled

“Time to leave!” Lexington said

“Good idea” Brooklyn said nervously

“Not so fast you red asshole!”

“WHAT!” Brooklyn shot back angrily and drew the pistol

“I see you stole my P38 but you won’t live much longer with it” the man said as he opened fire with both guns

Because that won’t bring attention to you.  Murderers tend to not want everyone knowing where they are.  This guys is acting more like a gun-nut than a known serial killer.

“Grahhgaaa!” Brooklyn yelled in pain as rounds impacted his body

“BROOKLYN!” Lexington screamed

The man dropped his guns and went to get something from another room

You’ve come downstairs to find monsters in your house and your response is to drop your weapons. 

“Brooklyn can you fly?”

“No I can’t I can’t get up”

“Come one” lex said as he slung the injured gargoyle over his sholder

The man returned with a chainsaw…

rainbow_boxorz___a_face_plant_by_randomdraggon-d2z0najHe dropped his guns, which allow him to have distance between himself and what he can only assume are monsters, in favor of a chainsaw, which is a horrible choice for weaponry against unknown creatures.  No wonder the cops know where this guy lives.  He’s about as subtle as this guy:

7971717_600x338

“Holy fuck!” Lex screamed as the man hurled the buzzing chainsaw across the room

Uhm.  I, uh… I have an objection to this.  That’s not how chainsaws work.  If you take your hand off the trigger that makes the chain rotate, it will stop rotating.  So all this guy did was throw a non-running chainsaw at them.   At the most, the engine might still be on but that’s not going to do anything.  Keeping hold of his guns would have been more effective.

“Lex RUN!” Brooklyn screamed

Lexington jumped out the window carrying Brooklyn and glided back to the clocktower

Lex is the smallest and physically weakest of the gargoyles.  I don’t think he’d be able to lift Brooklyn.

“How are we going to explain this?” Brooklyn asked nervously

“I have no idea…” Lexington replied

There is no explanation for your stupidity.  But considering that the police know where this guy lives but they have yet to burst in there and arrest his ass, intelligence is not rampant in Blitz’s universe.

Thanks for joining me!  See you all next week!  Try not to throw any chainsaws at people in the meantime.

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41 Comments on “987: Gargoyles, Pirates, and the Luftwaffe – and – Breaking into a serial killer’s house is a bad idea – One Shots Double Day!”

  1. leobracer says:

    Crimson Skies was one of my favorite video games for the original Xbox.

    And if you’re wondering what it is, it takes place in an alternate universe where the United States fell apart into multiple nations due to the Great Depression. Afterwards, the new nations then began focusing all of their resources into buding large air forces. So much so that airplanes and zeppelins are common place, pirates have taken to the skies, and cities with skyscrapers even have runways that civilians can use to land their planes.

    That’s pretty much all that I have at the moment. Really wish they continued the series.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yes, but do you see any real changes to Gargoyles in the fics because of it?

    • agigabyte says:

      Crimson Skies was one of my favorite games as a nine yeah old. It, sadly, was downloaded to the original Xbox, meaning it was lost when the Xbox died.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I remember playing the heck out of the original when it came out on the PC in 2000. We had some crazy multiplayer going on in the dormitories.

      Actually, multiplayer was really where Crimson Skies shined because it allowed you to do a lot of the crazy aerobatic shenanigans that the storyline game punished you for attempting. Zeppelin v. Zeppelin was particularly awesome.

    • SC says:

      So, it was kind of like a Skies of Arcadia deal, then?

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    How can something be a slight crossover?!

    At least he’s acknowledging that it is a crossover. I’ll take that over the “IT’S NOT A BLACK ROCK SHOOTER CROSSOVER” bullshit of Twin Humanities any day, ’cause hey, he’s at least acknowledging he crossed stuff over!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Three people reviewed. All were positive. I don’t get it.

    He probably wanted four reviews, all of them being positive.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Then the stone seemed to let off some kind of energy burst and the next thing the gargoyles knew they where in another city…in another time…

    Wow, talk about suddenly and from behind, right?

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It’s 1940″

    “1940…not again”

    Oh no, it’s Mass Effected all over again!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Lexington and Brooklyn make a mistake by breaking into a serial killer’s apartment…

    Did they get their liver served with fava beans and a nice Chianti?

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Brooklyn wants to check it out. Lexington doesn’t. The sporadic punctuation, however, is jarring.

    As is the fact that they’re bickering like middle school boys trying to get into a dare.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Look here!”

    “What?”

    “It’s a different gun. I kinda like it”

    “Brooklyn no. Just no. You can’t steal a gun”

    “He’s a criminal it doesn’t matter”

    Brooklyn and Lex are going to be the first detectives in history to get a serial killer released on evidentiary grounds.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Because that won’t bring attention to you. Murderers tend to not want everyone knowing where they are.

    I get first dibs on strapping our author into the chair and showing him Silence of the Lambs!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      “Holy fuck!” Lex screamed as the man hurled the buzzing chainsaw across the room

      *headdesk*

      And possibly The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as well. The original version, not the remakes.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I’m not sure but we can’t let them get it!”

    “Maybe it’s that glowing stone?”

    “Not surprising…”

    No, Blitz, Glowstone isn’t that valuable, and it can’t generate portals.

    You were thinking of obsidian.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    Gargoyles, Pirates, and the Luftwaffe and breaking into a serial killer’s house is a bad idea – One Shots Double Day!

    I liked it better when I thought both phrases were the title of one single ‘fic.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “How are we going to explain this?” Brooklyn asked nervously

    “I have no idea…” Lexington replied

    Wait, that’s it!? That’s all there is!? Why!? Why was there no confrontation there!?

    • GhostCat says:

      I know, right? Killer tossed away his guns and then threw an easily dodged chainsaw at them, effectively disarming himself. Kicking his ass should be a piece of cake now.

  13. GhostCat says:

    As the ship was hit by an arial torpedo…

    INCOMING FONT MISSILE!

    :dives behind couch:

  14. GhostCat says:

    This story is slightly longer and a lot less sensical.

    I suddenly got all shivery.

  15. GhostCat says:

    “Hey this guy has a nice place, it’s two floored”

    I refuse to believe that someone who can afford a two-story apartment in New York City wouldn’t have an extremely effective security system in place.

    • GhostCat says:

      Why would someone wealthy enough to afford a two-story apartment in New York City have a random chainsaw laying around? The guns I can understand because they are expensive collectibles, but a chainsaw? He has no access to trees! It’s suspicious as hell. Where would he even buy one of those in the city?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I get the feeling he was imagining it like a house, but just didn’t think to disambiguate that.

        Hence…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Because in Blitz’s… blitzed mind, serial killer automatically equals chainsaw. They can’t use knives or blunt objects or elaborate deathtraps (or for that matter guns, since this one’s schtick seems to have been killing people with well-known or fancy guns and then taking them), no sirreee, it has to be chainsaws…

  16. GhostCat says:

    bumped into a glass pot

    What we non-gargoyles refer to as a “vase”.

  17. GhostCat says:

    The man dropped his guns and went to get something from another room

    :headdesk:

    Dude. How have you not been caught before now?

  18. TacoMagic says:

    No! Bad gargoyle! Stealing a gun is never okay. It doesn’t matter who owned it originally!

    In this case, stealing the gun of a SERIAL KILLER is a really, really bad idea. Especially if it’s a gun that is markedly different from all the other guns. That’s a great way to implicate yourself in the string of murders that gun is likely to have been a part of.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Especially since I still think this serial killer’s MO was to find people with fancy or rare guns and take them as trophies. Stealing a gun from his house and running around with it is a great way to look like a copycat killer.

  19. SC says:

    Totally gonna employ chainsaws as a new weapon of choice now.

    Will throw them everywhere.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I shall assign the engineering division to work on a lighter, more aerodynamic chainsaw specifically balanced for throwing.

      • SC says:

        Eh, Bifocals will probably just stick rockets on it or something.

        *A wrench clubs SC in the head*

        I think I may have offended her.

      • Ishi says:

        DaburuMegane-chan has been attending the acotyles’ throwing practices of late. It is pleasing to see the results.

      • SC says:

        Not sure if it’s the training or her naturally good tool-throwing aim, bit my throbbing head could indicate either at this point.


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