979: The Volturi Princess of Vampires – Chapters One and Two

Title: The Volturi Princess of Vampires
Author: Miss Ginevra Magdalene Darcy
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Family/Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

Good news, everyone! I’ve discovered a new longfic to riff!

I decided to give Tolkien badfics a break (for now) and have turned my attention instead to the Twilight fandom! Mostly because looking for riffable fanfiction from that section of the fanworld is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.

For those who aren’t aware or have been ruthlessly blocking the memory since the last time a Twilight fic was riffed, the Twilight saga, written by Stephenie Meyer (who also wrote the entirely unrelated sci-fi The Host), follows the story of a human teenager named Isabella “Bella” Marie Swan as she moves to Forks to live with her father for [ERROR: Reasons not found].

An incredibly clumsy, once-was-hemophobic everygirl played by Deadeyes the Mouthbreather.

An incredibly clumsy, once-was-hemophobic everygirl played by Deadeyes the Mouthbreather.

Once there, she discovers a that family of rocking-hot people known as the Cullens are her fellow students at Forks High School.

Clearly they belong in a rainy little town like Forks. Totally inconspicuous.

Clearly they belong in a rainy little town like Forks. Totally inconspicuous.

She quickly discovers the Cullens are all vampires, which does absolutely nothing to prevent her from falling hard for the only one of them conveniently not in a relationship: Edward.

*twinkles morosely*

*twinkles morosely*

Fortunately, the Cullens are “vegetarian” vampires, and only drink the blood of animals. Bella discovers this after deciding she still loves Edward completely.

Later in the series, Bella discovers that her best friend/heterosexual BFF Jacob Black (a member of the local Quileute tribe) is a shapeshifter who thinks he’s actually a werewolf. As are all his buddies.

He has short hair for the majority of the series, but this will always be my favorite Jacob.

He has short hair for the majority of the series, but this will always be my favorite Jacob.

...Followed by this one. Yay for giant wolves!

…Followed by this one. Yay for giant wolves!

The series couches itself as being about Bella’s struggle with loving a vampire, becoming one, and NOT becoming romantically involved with the much safer option presented by Jacob. Really, the big plot point throughout the series is essentially that since Bella now knows about the existence of vampires, she must either die or become a vampire in order for the secret to remain intact. (I really appreciate that, while vampires in this canon are lightning-fast, super strong, nigh-unbreakable and even harder to kill without fire, they still recognize that the right amount of weaponry of mass destruction would probably finish them off. An unexpectedly nice touch from Meyer.)

Enforcing this are the Volturi, a group of insanely powerful vampires led by three very old ones named Marcus, Caius, and Aro.

Or, as they're shown here from left to right, Marcus, Aro, and Caius.

Or, as they’re shown here from left to right, Marcus, Aro, and Caius.

The Volturi are, naturally, a wee bit corrupted and power-hungry. Specifically, Aro collects particularly gifted vampires such as Edward (who can read minds) and Alice Cullen (who can see the future.) And Caius has a supremely bad temper all the time.

The saga is comprised of five books in total. Four of these—Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn—make up the actual story, while the novella The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner is a side story that shows the events of New Moon from the point of view of one of Victoria’s army of newborn vampires, the titular Bree Tanner.

As an aside, the novella is, in my opinion, proof that the main series would be significantly improved if it was narrated by anyone other than Bella, Edward, or Jacob.

To recap: Bella is a clumsy human with on-again, off-again hemophobia (fear of blood), the Cullen family are good vampires who only drink animal blood, Jacob and his fellow wolves are shapeshifters who think they’re werewolves, and the Volturi are evil and scare Bella to death.

Canonically speaking, that is.

This fanfiction pretty much rewrites all the stuff pertaining to Bella’s character starting around the third chapter or so of New Moon—in other words, just after Edward breaks up with Bella and the Cullens leave town in order to protect their secret and Bella’s humanity. Normally I would say any deviation from the walking coma Bella canonically goes into at this point would be a good thing, but…

Well, let’s just see how stupid this gets, okay?

The title is pretty much our best indicator that this won’t go well. Let’s see if the summary makes up for it.

Bella isn’t who the Cullens thinks she is, she isn’t a helpless, clumsy human, she’s a princess and when Edward leaves in New Moon she returns to her Father, to her home. Will she hate the Cullens for leaving her forever or will she forgive them easily? what will her future hold in store for her?

…So this is going to really suck. I can’t wait to see how Maggy explains away all of the “I’m just a clumsy, boring human” nonsense in the first book. Or Bella’s canonical parents, whom she clearly loves very deeply.

Chapter one is titled “Preface.” Considering its contents, I’m not entirely sure Maggy knows what a preface actually is. Neither do I, honestly, but the difference is that I don’t claim to use them for my writing.

Life can be hard, but you’ve got to keep pushing forward and moving on.

I see we’re attempting to mimic Meyer’s tactic of opening each story with a pertinent quote or excerpt. Unfortunately for Maggy, with the exception of Jacob’s section, Meyer actually attributed her quotes. And all of Meyer’s are actually either popular sayings or can be found in the texts they’re taken from.

That was exactly what I was going to do and no one was going to stop me. I felt bad for leaving Charlie although I wasn’t really his daughter,

Oh, so that’s why Renee and Charlie divorced. That was never really made clear canonically.

it was just an illusion created by a friends vampire power,

What? That must be one freakishly powerful vampire; unless they’ve been living constantly near either Charlie or Renee, they’ve ostensibly had this illusion going for years without being present. Even if they occasionally drop in to restrengthen the illusion, that’s a hell of a lot more talent than even Alec could accomplish.

And this little shit can completely deaden the senses of a crowd well exceeding twenty to thirty very unhappy vampires and shapeshifters.

And this little shit can completely deaden the senses of a crowd well exceeding twenty to thirty very unhappy vampires and shapeshifters.

Buckle in, everybody. Things are gonna get bumpy.

he’ll forget about me in a few months anyway so there wasn’t a need to feel too guilty, it was high time I returned home.

Okay, no, canon!Bella wouldn’t want her dad to be upset for more than a second unless it was absolutely for his own good, such as the show she put on to keep him from getting caught up in the James fiasco at the climax of Twilight.

I dub thee Isuebella.

Before he forgets me though he’ll probably blame Edward for my departure but to be honest I couldn’t care less because I wasn’t Isabella Marie Swan, helpless, clumsy human, I was Isabella Maria Volturi, princess of vampires, half vampire and I was finally going home.

Why do I keep finding these awful run-on sentence-happy badfics? I know I write some long sentences of my own, but at least mine make use of proper punctuation!

Why does Bella’s status as a vampire princess make her suddenly not love Edward anymore? Did his leaving her do enough damage in this story that it shattered her nameless friend’s illusion? And since she’s half-vampire, does that mean one of the big three Volturi banged Renee? Because if that’s the case I can almost guarantee either Athenodora (Caius’ wife) or Sulpicia (Aro’s wife) are super pissed.

That, or I’m about to be super pissed because Bella’s father is Marcus, who canonically is in a constant state of grieving over his dead wife, Didyme.

Since chapter one was so short, I don’t see any problem with going on to chapter two.

Chapter 2: Return

This chapter title pretty much cements for me that chapter one was something Maggy wrote just so that nobody could claim she dove into the story without giving us any insight as to why Bella left Forks.

That’s not going to stop me from complaining that chapter one was still painfully obviously not something Maggy was invested in writing. We’ve all got boring parts to our story, but at the very least give them effort for the sake of the fun stuff they lead to.

Volterra, I sighed as I sped past the old city in a hired car which I’d get one of the guards to take back when I got home.

Slow. Down.

You’re writing this as though you expect your readers to bolt at any second, and as a result are trying to cram as much information down their throats as you can manage in a desperate attempt for something to hook them. If you want your readers to stay around, put a little more time and patience into your writing. I can guarantee they will appreciate it.

I smiled as I remembered my Father and Uncles sat upon their thrones like gods and my Fathers excitement which could always brighten the day.

Why do you keep capitalizing “father” and “uncles?” You only do that if you’re directly addressing them by those titles, just like you only capitalize “king” when you’re addressing the actual king.

For example: “No, Uncle, I haven’t seen the cookies,” is correct. “Her Uncle is a tall man,” is not.

The same is true for father, especially since capitalizing father incorrectly can be taken to mean you think the person being described is a deity.

Unless Isuebella really does think her father and uncles are deities, which is equal parts creepy and promising as a character trait.

…She does mention them sitting on their thrones like gods. Huh.

I remember the two twins one of which, the boy avoided me at all costs for some reason taking a distinct disliking to me although I felt drawn to him and the girl who followed me around looking for anyway she could help although her temper was extremely nasty. I remember Felix and Demetri, impossibly annoying and tough but kind enough.

This will be the chapter of pictures.

This will be the chapter of pictures.

The twins to whom Isuebella is referring are Alec and Jane. Alec, as I’ve already explained, has the ability to completely block off all five of a person’s senses by means of a mist that is invisible to the human eye and barely visible to vampires.

His twin, Jane, is the exact opposite: She has the power to cause her target excruciating pain simply by looking at them (although in  the movie version of New Moon they did briefly attempt to give her the trigger word “pain.” It didn’t even stick after its first use in the movie.) She’s also a fair bit more than just foul-tempered; kid’s a downright sadist and is entirely aware of and relishes in it.

Dakota Fanning has never looked so creepy.

Dakota Fanning has never looked so creepy.

Felix and Demetri are two of the Volturi Guard. Felix is a big, brutish vampire with no particular gifts beyond his strength, which is superior even to most other vampires.

For those who don't recall, he's the guy that beat the hell out of Edward in New Moon.

For those who don’t recall, he’s the guy that beat the hell out of Edward in New Moon.

Demetri is a tracker. He can find any person in the world by following their unique thought pattern/feel/taste/Meyer never explained it in detail.

The Volturi are all about hiring seriously creepy looking people.

The Volturi are all about hiring seriously creepy looking people.

I had been driving so fast now so to get back to my family as quickly as possible that I was already at the ancient church where the main door of the Volturi was hidden in the cellar.

Subtle. I’m sure Volterra’s finest won’t mind you speeding your way through the city streets.

The roads were nearly empty since it getting dark and there wasn’t anything for humans to walk to or from surrounding the church;

So there are absolutely no church services going on and not a single soul in Volterra is milling about on walks or driving to or from stores or arcades or any other places of entertainment, despite the fact that it’s explicitly not nighttime yet? The movie depiction of Volterra didn’t look quite that rustic; surely they at least have a theater or a library open. At most it’s probably like… six or seven in the evening.

And, again, unless that church has been turned into a museum and no longer runs services, I find it really hard to believe that there are no services being run in a city that goes so wild for Saint Marcus Day. At the very least, the church should be open to anyone seeking sanctuary, private prayer, or confession.

Where the hell are all the people?!

the only thing around was our private landing stripe the Heidi, the Volutri fisher who was so beautiful that people couldn’t resist her charms, used when she brought in the humans for my family and the guard to drink.

So apparently Heidi has been turned into some sort of privately owned amphibious aircraft.

Ouch.

Ouch.

My father, Uncle’s and I also use it when we need. I drew up in front the church, parking behind the large spire so my hire car was hidden from the road to avoid suspicion.

She must be referring to a different father. She didn’t capitalize it that time.

Do the big three actually drive themselves around? I can’t quite picture that. Marcus doesn’t really strike me as one to do anything at all if he doesn’t want to, and frankly Aro and Caius probably revel in being able to boss everybody around. Especially Caius.

On another note, if Isuebella really wanted to avoid suspicion, she wouldn’t have been breaking the speed limit on the drive through the city.

By the way, how did she get past the guards outside the city walls? I distinctly remember them being something of a speed bump in the book. Do they only pop up on holidays?

I walked slower now as I entered the ancient building, slipping quietly into the cellar and into a tunnel behind a small door – an old priest hole, I knew.

Oh, you can go [bless] yourself up the [bell tower] with a rusty [goblet]. Priests are not hobbits; they do not have [bleeding] “holes.” Leave it at tunnel, you [praising] [child].

Two of the guards were standing straight in front of a door not far along the tunnel, having snapped into position as they heard my footsteps coming towards them.

Yeah, it’s about time to break this out…

*click*

Forgot They Were Vampires: 1

If those guards are with the Volturi, they would have been on her the second she entered the cellar, either because they would have heard her coming well before that or because they would have smelled it.

Changing back into my half vampire, half human form which was my normal form,

That is not how half-vampires work in this canon. Renesmee and Nahuel—the only two named hybrids in the canon —do not have shapeshifting abilities of any sort. Their “true forms” are their only forms.

I stepped around the final corner, slowly. They stared at me in shock until I stopped in front of them, raising an eyebrow. They obviously recognised me as the dropped into a bow when they came out of the shock before opening the doors.

Huzzah for instant recognition destroying any potential confusion! At least this time it makes sense, considering Meyer’s vampires have photographic memories.

‘Thank you, gentleman,’ I smiled, walking through them at a fast walk as soon as the doors close behind me, I glanced back before sprinting toward the throne room in the turret which was the most prominent feature of my home.

So the two(?) guards were actually just one male guard, which skills indicate that Isuebella was looking at them cross-eyed. Now I see how she managed to walk through them, rather than between or past them.

I burst through the large doors, my eyes quickly finding my father since he had risen at the noise of the doors slamming open. His eyebrows rose and a grin stretched across his face as he looked at me, his only child, standing in the door way.

Whether they recognized her or not, why did nobody accompany Isuebella to the throne room? At the very least, someone should have been sent before she reached the guard(s) to alert the big three that they’d have a visitor soon.

And, again, how did nobody in the throne room hear or smell her coming until after she’d already thrown the doors open? Clearly she’s not the most subtle vampire alive.

*click*

Forgot They Were Vampires: 2

‘Il mio piccolo miracolo (my little miracle)!’ he whispered in surprise, more to himself than anyone else.

We do not put the translations in parentheses during the spoken lines. If your readers want to know what’s being said, they can look it up for themselves. That parenthesized translation just delivered a sledgehammer blow to the Fourth Wall.

‘Father,’ I beamed, flying at him.

Facial expressions are not modes of speech. Unless, of course, one of your special Sue powers includes transferring your thoughts into someone else’s mind by way of a laser beam.

I was surrounding in hugs from my family and some of the guards. I glanced over at the “witch twins”

I sincerely doubt Isuebella would refer to Jane and Alec as the witch twins, considering that: a) in this story she’s a member of the Volturi and her father is one of the big three, and b) the first canonical mention of that nickname is by a pair of bitterly anti-Volturi Romanian vampires during the second half of Breaking Dawn—several years after the events of New Moon.

Unless, of course, the illusion that made Charlie think Isuebella was his daughter allowed Isuebella’s memory of any and all prior vampire encounters to remain intact, in which case maybe she’s heard the moniker from somebody the Volturi punished.

to see Alec, dark brown hair flopping boyishly over his bright red eyes, looking extremely happy despite his strange dislike for me and Jane, a crazy six inches shorter than her twin with blond hair, that I knew to be at shoulder length, tied up in her usual bun, beaming like she had just been told the most fabulous news.

I highly doubt Jane is happy to have Isuebella back in the fold. Jane is freakishly possessive of Aro’s attention and praise, to the point that she openly displays serious displeasure with any discussion of adding vampires such as Alice Cullen to the Volturi Guard.

I’m forced to grudgingly let the “six inches shorter than Alec” bit slide, as they are clearly dizygotic or “fraternal” twins. To put it simply, that basically means they’re siblings who formed from two different embryos and who just happened to gestate and come into the world at the same time (unlike monozygotic or “identical” twins, who are formed from the exact same embryo and thus have the same genetic make-up.) It’s entirely possible that, yes, one twin is significantly taller than the other.

I detached myself from the large hug that was making hard to breathe,

Again I must grudgingly concede that there is no canonical evidence to dispute that. I will, however, say that I think you’re making Isuebella as human as you can for a character who’s supposedly part vampire.

since that was still necessary for me, and held my arms out for the girl that, in human years, was one year older than me.

Bwuh?

Sorry, I wasn’t aware Meyer’s vampires went by a different calendar altogether than we do. Does one human year only count for a tenth of one vampire year? Is Jane physically younger in appearance than Isuebella? Is Isuebella actually old as balls? If it’s that third option, why wasn’t Renee ever mentioned? She’s Bella’s canon mom; did she not need an illusion for some strange reason? And what about Phil, Renee’s boyfriend? Didn’t he come into the charade after the illusion was set up? Was he under the illusion, too, or did he believe the story the affected people told him?

MAKE SENSE, DAMMIT.

She flew into my arms, her vibrant red eyes filled with joy as I felt my own golden ones –

Oh, so that’s why you have Isuebella ridiculous shapeshifting powers. So you could ignore the part where the canon hybrids generally tend towards brown eyes.

despite being half human, I couldn’t eat human food

BULLSHIT! A hybrid vampire is perfectly capable of drawing nutrition from human food or blood—they only tend towards the latter as a matter of preference!

Why the hell don’t you people ever read the wikis?! Or better yet, check your damn canon sources?!

and refused point black to drink from humans – fill up with tears.

Oh, how sorely I wish I could call you on the crying. Yet again, nothing in the canon or on the wiki disputes a hybrid’s ability to shed tears, although at this point I think you just keep getting lucky, because clearly you stopped reading the series after New Moon.

‘I’ve missed you,’ she screamed happily in my ear as we bounced in excitement, still tightly holding onto each other.

Never mind, clearly you stopped reading after Edward left. How in the hell do you know about the Volturi and yet clearly have no clue how any of the characters behave?

‘Me too,’ I laughed, freeing myself to look at everyone. ‘I missed all of you.’

‘Welcome home, Izzy,’ a voice said in an English accent from behind me.

I turned around to see Alec smiling at me for, what I think was, the first time ever and I couldn’t help but compare him to Edward. My breathing got stuck in my throat for a second at his smile before I replied, ‘Thank you, Alec, it’s good to be home.’

Very short I know and not brilliant since I wrote this one after I wrote the second chapter because I wasn’t going to do this one and then I decided I would but anyhow I hope you like it.

Wait, you wrote this after you wrote chapter three? Why?! What did you establish here that you couldn’t have told us with the addition of a few sentences in the next chapter? Normally I’m complaining about a lack of show, but honestly, in this case that would not have been an issue. You spent this entire chapter telling us that Isuebella drove to Volterra, entered the Volturi lair through the front door, and was welcomed back into the fold with much celebration.

Why do people keep writing things they really, really don’t want to? You said it yourself: You didn’t plan to write this chapter initially. So why change your mind? What part of this chapter was the trigger that made you change your mind? In assuming it was the reunion, but you didn’t really accomplish much beyond establishing that Jane and Isuebella are BFFs and Alec is behaving oddly even according to Isuebella’s off screen experience.

We still haven’t even been told who her father actually is. I’m not even entirely sure if it’s one of the big three or not. I’m only assuming it is based on past experience and the fact that pretty much nobody except a daughter of the big three could come slamming in unannounced like that.

In any event, that’s it for this week, Patrons. We’ve got another thirty-two chapters to go, and I can only imagine what we’ll find. Until next week, everybody!

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32 Comments on “979: The Volturi Princess of Vampires – Chapters One and Two”

  1. Eryn says:

    Wait–how can Bella and Jane be BFFs when Bella has as much emotion as a sheet of paper and Jane is an ultra-powerful psychopath? Do they bond over their shared lack of empathy or something?

    • Eryn says:

      This fic is confusing already…

    • Eryn says:

      *pounds fists on desk and whines*

      This fic makes no sense!

      • Eryn says:

        Ack! So sorry for spamming with repeated comments. My internet connection is sloppy or something, so it wasn’t showing up that I’ve commented, so I thought it didn’t register. And then they all showed up at once and I freaked out. Apologies!

      • fledglinghuman says:

        S’all good! We all have internet goofs. :D

    • fledglinghuman says:

      At this point I’m pretty sure Jane’s canon personality is going to be tossed out in favor of turning her into a girly Alice replacement.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Hooo boy… another ‘fic that makes Stephanie Meyer look good

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    an old priest hole, I knew.

    Oh, you can go [bless] yourself up the [bell tower] with a rusty [goblet]. Priests are not hobbits; they do not have [bleeding] “holes.” Leave it at tunnel, you [praising] [child].

    Actually, while I’m very hazy on this, I think “priest holes” were a thing in Europe, so that Protestants could hide from Catholic mobs/authorities and/or Catholics could hide from Protestant mobs/authorities. I’m not entirely sure what one would be doing in Italy, though…

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    She flew into my arms, her vibrant red eyes filled with joy as I felt my own golden ones -despite being half human, I couldn’t eat human food and refused point black to drink from humans – fill up with tears.

    Well, this is certainly one hideously-constructed sentence…

    And what the hell does her inability to eat/drink human materials have to do with her sappy reunion????

    • Leah says:

      I just want to declare “point black” that this is the worst sentence I’ve seen in recent memory.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Here, let me fix that for you:

        the sky was dark and lifeless as the ground below it a thick fog covered the ground of the streets of germany it was as lifeless as the outer most reaches of space and the burning plains of a desert the only life that could be seen walking the streets of germany was the undead life of zombies that were under the control of samantha maxis the broken miracle of der riese and the bringer of an apocalypse that the world never saw coming but a small group of citizens and soldiers had taken a stand against samantha and her zombie force.

      • GhostCat says:

        No, sorry, let me get that for you;

        lola felt turned on like a microwave with soap in it.

        Or anything else in here. :hold up KDVS:

      • Leah says:

        ….Thanks, guys….

      • GhostCat says:

        We’re helpers!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    the only thing around was our private landing stripe the Heidi, the Volutri fisher who was so beautiful that people couldn’t resist her charms,

    No, she was apparently turned into one of the stripes they use to mark runways.

    Which, honestly, given how stoned she looks in the picture, is probably an upgrade.

  6. GhostCat says:

    …I wasn’t Isabella Marie Swan, helpless, clumsy human, I was Isabella Maria Volturi, princess of vampires, half vampire and I was finally going home.

    :headdesk:

    Oh, this is gonna hurt.

    I seem to remember having a fic in my pile somewhere that has Bella as a surprise hybrid vampire princess, it must be a thing in the fandom.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Bella isn’t who the Cullens thinks she is, she isn’t a helpless, clumsy human, she’s a princess[…]

  8. infinity421 says:

    You know, I think it’s inevitable that any fanfic with a non-canon princess in it is probably going to be shit.

  9. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Isuebella

    Redundancy much? This is Bella Motherfucking Swan you’re talking here.

  10. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    I remember the two twins

    Hey, why didn’t the…
    *Alarm blares*
    Oh shi-


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