978: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part ThreePosted: February 28, 2015
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Simon Bellamay III
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, I completely debunked Stone-Man85’s claim that Princess Mononoke took place in Tokyo with a little something called RESEARCH, which is quite evidently a foreign term to him, as has been evidenced on multiple occasions now. Then some goofy knights got a bit lost on the way to the Third Crusade and ended up sailing their siege tower all the way to Muromachi-period Japan somehow (according to our group headcanon), and Alex came across the Emishi village’s watch tower and described it and its occupant all wrong, which was cause for great annoyance on mine and the comments’ ends.
With me, as always, is Sir Paulo Rori and Simon Bellamay III, and they didn’t beat me here this time! HA, SUCKERS!
Simon: I wasn’t aware there was a competition.
Paulo: I suppose some men simply must be the cream of the crop at all times.
Hey now, that is not my mindset at all. I just wanted to get here before you guys for once.
Simon: Is that why you look like you haven’t slept in weeks?
THEY KEPT ME CHAINED TO THE CHAIR, MAN.
Anyhow, we now return to Alex just in time for Nago to attack, naturally. Probably really slowly for whatever reason too, if the pattern sticks.
As soon as Alex got up on the look out deck, he nervously smiled at the man, and turned away dread in thought,
“Dread in thought?” Paulo, does this sound like a good sentence to you?
Paulo: My literary instructor would beat me with a switch if I presented this to him.
Yeah, so would mine, probably.
Author, allow me to define “dread” for you:
*SC busts out the Hallowed Dictionary, whose entrance is heralded by disembodied voices singing in angelic harmony; the Dictionary also gives off a pleasant golden glow, which grows brighter as SC gently opens it to the D section*
Paulo: Magical artifacts are a thing of mystery to me; Sacred artifacts? I know all there is to be learned, just by looking at them, and this artifact is nothing if not sacred.
Yeah, that happens to a lot of people. Lyle would know, she uses this guy’s little-but-no-less-mighty brother as a bludgeon.
3rd person present: dreads
Past tense: dreaded
Past participle: dreaded
Gerund or present participle: dreading
1. Anticipate with great apprehension or fear.
“Jane was dreading the party”
synonyms: fear, be afraid of, worry about, be anxious about, have forebodings about
Regard with great awe or reverence.
Plural noun: dreads
1. Great fear or apprehension.
“the thought of returning to New Jersey filled her with dread”
synonyms: fear, apprehension, trepidation, anxiety, worry, concern, foreboding, disquiet, unease, angst
A person with dreadlocks.
(See also: Dreadlocks)
1. Greatly feared; dreadful.
“he was stricken with the dread disease and died”
synonyms: awful, frightful, terrible, horrible, dreadful;
Regarded with awe; greatly revered.”
*SC gently closes the Hallowed Dictionary and stores it back on the bookshelf he took it from; the bookshelf then rotates into the wall all James Bond-like*
Now, did it seem like anywhere in there that “dread” would be an appropriate descriptor for what kind of thought Alex is currently in?
Simon: I’ma saaay, nope.
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
‘Okay… this guy’s completely off his rocker,’ but then Alex realized something very important. Aside from the elk, there wasn’t any other noise, no birds, animals growling or yelping… hell, there weren’t even squirrels jumping from tree to tree.
Simon: Come again? Why wouldn’t all the animals be freaking the fuck out?
Probably because Demon!Nago’s foul influence killed them all off.
Simon: Oh right, demonic influence. I forgot that was a thing.
Paulo: You forgot information that is integral to the description of your duties? How?
Simon: It’s been a long week, man.
It was then that Alex turned to the old man, and aksed nervously,
I hate it when innocent people get aksed for no reason.
Paulo: Why does Alex even possess an axe at this moment? And from where was it acquired?
Simon: Straight out of his ass because reasons.
“Um… when you said something was heading this way… what did you mean?”
“I’m not sure,” the old man answered, never taking his eyes off the darkened forest, “But I know this: it isn’t human.”
No shit, Sherlock. The demonic entity charging headlong at your village with blood on its mind isn’t human? Wow, who’da fucking thought.
At that very moment, a strange crashing sound echoed from within the darkened forest trees.
Simon: Uh, crashing sounds usually don’t sound very strange; they usually just sound painful.
I love how Nago was apparently just sitting around waiting for them to start talking about him before he decided to start making a fuss again. He’s obviously not far enough out from the village that the naked eye can’t pick him up, and crashing trees make a loud-ass noise, so what else could he have been doing?
Simon: Playing tiddlywinks.
Paulo: Betting coin against a roll of the dice.
Simon: Shit, they had craps in your time, too?
Paulo: Ah, so the rich but vicious pastime of gambling has persevered into the present age. Good to hear, it was how many platoons would pass the time in between marches – mine included. I was never exactly very fortunate, though.
Simon: Rolled snake eyes a few times, did you?
Paulo: Define, “a few.”
Probably good that you didn’t have to pay for your own sword, huh?
Paulo: Yet another lucky perk of being in the King’s guard – all expenses were covered by the kingdom treasury.
Alex and the old man both looked to see what was happening. Beyond another stone wall that separated them from the forest, lay a vast grove of trees. Alex narrowed his eyes as he looked deeper through the gaps between the trees.
And that’s when he saw it.
*Paulo and Simon leap to their feet and draw their swords in a fright*
That was the best reaction I could have hoped to get from this joke that neither of you understand the context of, and I LOVE IT.
Though it wasn’t a clear image, the young teen boy was able to make a dark shape moving within the forest.
Alex is responsible for Demon!Nago?
Paulo: The fiend.
It’s shape was completely indefinable; almost as if it’s form was more malleable than a solid form.
First of all, malleable is not the word you wanted, as it refers to the ABILITY to be reconfigured, not a constantly-reconfiguring shape.
Second of all, that was two redundancies in about as many sentences. You bastard.
Sick ’em, boy!
*A little tennis ball-shaped droid beeps and whirs adorably as it rolls out into the hall*
Specs: Is this going to be as horrific as that damn shuriken?
*A series of incredibly powerful explosions rock the hallway; a badly damaged DRD rifle bounces into the room, smoking from multiple burn scars*
Paulo: Well then.
Then came another sound; a faint screech that sent a chill racing down and up his spine.
Alex’s Spine is almost as bad as Rainbow Road in Mario Kart, track-wise.
Specs: Oh, don’t even get me started.
“Did you see it?” the old man asked.
“I’m not sure what I saw,” Alex replied. But then, he suddenly smelled something in the air. It was the same rancid odor that had saturated around the trench he had come across earlier.
It was then that he realized that he had farted.
Paulo: I wonder if the old man follows the same method of punishment that my old platoon did in response to such vulgarity?
Depends, what was your preferred punishment?
Paulo: Filling a sack full of horse manure and shoving it under the offender’s pillow. When he realized that something smelled awful, we would pull his covers up over his head and pin him down until he fell unconscious from the stench.
Simon: You guys were fucking EVIL.
Paulo: Well, if it served to teach the man never to let such foul air loose in the troop tent again, then in my opinion, it was no more wicked than being woken up with ice water.
Mob justice is a force to be reckoned with, you guys.
He immediately covered his nose as he whinced,
Simon: He did what, now?
I think that’s like whining and dancing at the same time.
Paulo: My old platoon referred to that as “stepping on caltrops.”
I don’t blame them.
“Oh man, it’s that same smell again.”
“Odor?”, the old man asked.
Well, smells do tend to be odors, yeah.
Paulo: Sometimes they are even scents.
Simon: And there was that one time when they were stinks.
“Yeah, I came across it when I found this trench full of dead plants and grass,” but then he coughed as he tried to get the smell out of his lungs, “Only this time, it’s probably ten times stronger.”
So strong that it’s become a black lung-type hazard!
Yeah, that actually kind of sucks.
“Look! Over there,” the old man shouted, pointing to a spot behind the wall.
When Alex looked to where the old man had pointed, he found himself short of breath or words. A patch of trees were starting to change from a healthy green to a sickly dying brown, rotting away into shriveled skeletons. As he looked closer, he saw a black ooze bubbling through the crack in the wall.
With a crash of unearthly strength, a huge portion of the wall exploded outward. After the dust settled, the explosion revealed what Alex could only describe as the most bizarre yet loathsome creature he or anyone he knew could have ever seen in their lifetime.
Demon!Nago? Meh, I’ve seen worse.
*Paulo picks up his chair and repositions himself by the door*
See? Told you.
The creature had to be around maybe ten to thirteen feet in height; probably around the size of an RV.
Nago is bigger than that, trust me.
The creature’s body was long and insect-like, with two glowing red eyes that would pierced the soul of any brave man.
Except me. Because, you know, I’ve seen worse.
Its skin and flesh
Oh, come on.
*SC whistles, and a sword inexplicably flies over to him*
Go get ’em, Bladroid 5867.
Bladroid 5867: LETHAL ACTION RESTRICTIONS LIFTED. COMMENCING ATTACK.
*Bladroid 5867 flies out into the hall; the DRD try and shoot it down, but only succeed in getting viciously stabbed*
Simon: Shit, where do I get one of those?
Talk to Bifocals.
Simon: Nevermind, then.
Paulo: Flying swords. Now I’ve truly seen everything.
was composed of what looked to be millions upon millions of slimy black and red worms. The creature lumbered away from the wall and began to make its way into the middle of the clearing, leaving behind a trail of rotting death and with each step it took as well.
You a word there, author.
Alex could only gawk at this gigantic monster,
For as far back as I can remember, gawk has always been a funny word to me. It sounds like a bird noise.
“WHAT THE FUCK!” he yelled pointing right at it,
*SC, Paulo and Simon wince in pain and rub their sore ears*
“WHA… what the hell is that thing? It looks like something out of Resident Evil!”
RIGHT, BECAUSE AN OLD FUCKING MAN IN MUROMACHI-PERIOD JAPAN IS GOING TO KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ALEX, YOU STUPID PRICK.
God, this kid and his constant referencing other media bullshit, I swear to fucking Christ…
Simon: Also, I highly doubt that Resident Evil would have anything even remotely resembling Nago in any of their games.
“It’s a Demon God!” the old man said in utter terror.
Simon: In my world, those two words are highly contradictory, thereby making this an oxymoron.
Well, Japanese mythology does actually have demonic deities and such, so I can’t really fault the guy for that one.
Alex gulped and paled at that as he turned to the old man, and then back at the creature, “A… a Demon God?”
Yes, Alex, that’s what he just said. Pay attention, would you?
As soon as the so-called Demon God reached the center of the clearing, it let loose an ear-piercing cry.
Paulo: Hard to blame it, considering what it’s just walked into.
As it did, the worms of its flesh suddenly began to ripple violently and peeled away, shooting upward like a wave. As it did this, the wormy flesh revealed a giant golden brown boar that was concealed within the rotting flesh.
Look at all them there redundancies.
*SC grabs Messer Rifle and preemptively shoots the DRD alarm*
I ain’t dealing with that noise.
Its body was huge and powerful, its tusks as big as lances that could impale a man easily, and yellow eyes that gleamed in the sun… if they weren’t so lifeless.
Ladies and mentlegen: Nago.
The boar gave one last roar before the worms covered its form once again. When its eight spider-like legs were fully regenerated, it launched itself towards the watchtower.
As it charged towards them, Alex and the old man saw the shallow trench of black and red it left in its path. The elk had broken loose and got out of the way before the Demon God had reached its target.
In a blindingly fast movement, the Demon God engulfed the bottom of the watch tower, eating away at the supports. When it could no longer support its own weight, the tower tipped and toppled over the edge of the cliff. But before it was too late, Alex and the old man jumped off in the nick of time and landed in one of the trees near them.
Simon: That probably hurt like a bitch. From my knowledge, the inertia you pick up while falling doesn’t really stop increasing if you jump off the thing you’re falling with – it just delays it for like a half-second.
Paulo: I was once stationed on a rampart wall that was demolished by cannon fire. The piece I was on fell so quickly that the nearby hay stack I jumped to for safety felt akin to a pile of bricks. Needless to say, I was quite sore after that fight.
Oh, I can imagine.
But, more to the point, what cliff? The Emishi village is in a flat clearing. That watchtower was on solid ground. Author, what movie did YOU watch?
Not wanting to stick around and admire the destruction it had caused, or find the two humans that got away, the Demon God shuffled/skittered over the cliff and began to quickly make its way down the hill.
Hills and cliffs are two different things, author.
Also, I don’t imagine Nago cared to admire his handiwork, because he was too busy being all like KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL to really give a damn.
On the tree, Alex groaned a bit, feeling sore from doing something that crazy.
Paulo: My, my. Whatever are the odds?
Simon: Shit, didn’t we just talk about something like that happening?
But then he remembered about the old man, and looked around to find him.
Well, I’ll give Alex this much – at least he has some good priorities at the moment.
Paulo: I suppose if we must allow him anything, it may as well be that.
“Gramps! GRAMPS!” he shouted as he started to climb down the tree, not even stopping to think about what he was doing. It was when he reached the bottom, he saw the old man on the ground, sitting at the trunk of the tree. He hopped down the tree and immediately rushed over to him.
“You okay, Gramps?” Alex asked as he crouched beside the old man, holding his shoulder in order to help him up.
“Don’t worry about me, boy,” the old man said as Alex helped him to his feet, but he held his right arm in pain, “It’s just a broken arm. I’ll survive,” but then he cringed in pain of it.
Simon: Shit, the old timer’s badass! Well, so’s my grandpa, but he has the excuse of being permanently stuck in a twenty-one-year-old’s body, so…
Paulo: All the same: Never underestimate the strength of the elderly. They’ve had far longer to hone themselves than any of us children. My own grandfather, feeble as he was, never lost the ability to roll out of bed, grab a sword and cleave a man’s head if the situation called for it.
My grandpa’s a cop and former Navy radioman, I’ll just let that stand on its own.
“Just hold on,” Alex said as he looked around, “I’ll see if I can find some wood to make a splint out of.”
Has his priorities straight, AND proper medical attention? My goodness, do I need to start doling out redemption cookies?
“No! There’s no time,” the old man stated as he looked to Alex with determined eyes, “It’s heading for the village. You must warn them before that Demon reaches the village.”
Whoa, wait. That’s Ashitaka’s limelight.
You seriously took Ashitaka out of the story entirely for the sake of your fucking romance plot, Stone-Man85? There are no words for how offended I am right now.
Alex looked hardened on doing this,
Paulo: I do believe this tale has taken a sensual turn.
not even flinching, as he asked, “Where can I find it?”
“Straight down this hill and through the forest. You’ll find it as soon as you reach the clearing,” but before Alex could go, the old man grabbed his arm, “You’ll never make it on foot. Take my elk.” The old man placed two fingers in his partially toothless mouth and whistled loudly, “Ah-Uh!” he called out, and within seconds, the elk that had fled bounded from the cliff and gracefully leapt his towards the two humans.
“Ah-uh?” That’s not how whistling sounds, author.
Simon: That is, however, the noise I make when my teacher tries to hit me with a trigonometry question out of nowhere.
Isn’t your teacher James Stratholme, from the Siuland Order?
Simon: Why do you think I hate him so much? He and his sister Miss Aubrey are both assholes. But don’t tell Miss Aubrey I said that, she might kill me.
Paulo: I gathered as such from the way you insist on referring to her with formalities, whereas all your other superiors you simply call by name or surname.
Simon: Miss Aubrey is scary, man.
When it reached them, it bent its head down to nuzzle the old man’s shoulder, “He’s one of our fastest elks,” he continued, “You’ll be able to out run that monster with him.”
For a moment, Alex just stared at the horned animal, and nervously asked, “You’re kidding right?”
No, shitlord, now get on.
“It’s just like riding a horse, only twice as fast,” the old man retorted clutching his injured arm, “Please, you don’t have much time!”
I’m not sure how valid that statement is, but I do know that Yakul could juuust outpace Demon!Nago at full speed, so I’ll buy it for the time being.
And that’s where I’m gonna stop for the time being.
Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Alex is gonna usurp Ashitaka’s moment of introductory glory and I’m going to hate every second of it, but it’s a burden I’ll just have to bear. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sir Paulo Rori and Simon Bellamay III, I’ll see you next time!
…I know you fought in three whole wars, Paulo, but how many stories do you have to share of all the action? Didn’t you ever have a break?
Paulo: Certainly. Enough time after each day to find two hours of sleep before I was suddenly called to action again.
Simon: That’s still more sleep than I usually get.