976: Secrets of the Master Emerald – Chapter Nine

Title: Secrets of the Master Emerald
Author: Lidia1357
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
Genre: “Romance”
URL: Secrets of the Master Emerald: Author’s note
URL: Secrets of the Master Emerald: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of Secrets of the Master Emerald.


Well, we saw as it got unbelievably stupid last time. So I guess you guys will be thankful to day to know that we only have two—

*offstage trombone*

What do you mean only one chapter?

I apologize for the inconvenience, I hate to do this but I must put this story on hold unless I can regain inspiration and ideas. Anyone who has any please feel free to let me know.


Oh, goddammit.

Another author who didn’t plan most of her story ahead of time? Well thanks, author, now I know for sure that the ending is going to be a total asspull.


Well, it’s not like she thought about the story carefully when she introduced a secret about the Master Emerald that completely wrecked the Sonic Adventure games, so I guess it’s no small potatoes by this point.


Well, let’s get on with the last chapter of this fic, then, shall we?

So that author’s note took up the space of one chapter. That was all you need to see, though honestly, I’ll take it over the kind of bullshit I had to read with that one author’s note from fucking Twin Humanities any day.

But yeah. On to the real final chapter, which begins with the typical disclaimer before we move into the meat of it:

The helicopter ride back to the G.U.N. base was a tense one. Rouge helped Knuckles retell his story to Shadow and the President.

Well, I’ll give the author props: she at least summarized the repeated exposition.

Hey, I’m just glad that we have an author here who does seem to realize that her audience is capable of retaining information on most days, so I’ll take it!

When they had finished, Shadow stroked his chin thoughtfully. It was hard to tell if the President was convinced or not, but Shadow was taking it seriously.

“So we cannot harm it, yet taking you away will only make it worse. So when you die-”

“We’ll find a way to destroy it.” Rouge interrupted. She didn’t want knuckles to be discouraged. They needed a way to get rid of Ellie in that emerald. They couldn’t simply destroy it, but without Knuckles, they would have a problem. Rouge didn’t know how much time they had either. By the looks of things, not much time.

Knuckles shot Rouge a thankful expression as Angle Isle came into view.

I’ll also give her props for writing a tough female character that is actually the stronger of the two characters on an emotional level. I’ve seen enough faux-strong female characters on this site to last me an entire goddamn lifetime.

“I think you should let me down there,” Knuckles said quickly. Shadow shot him a skeptical look.

“Me too!” Rouge said quickly as they flew over the floating island.

“Are you sure? Knuckles asked with uncertainty. Rouge nodded and took his hand, “Yes.”

“Alright…” The President said hesitantly, “Let ’em out.”

Well, it’s a good sign for a fic when you can’t really find anything to snark at in sizeable chunks of a chapter. Why did I snark this again?

*rereads the previous chapter*

Oh, right. Never mind!

They jumped out of the helicopter, both gliding safely to the island. The Master Emerald was raging, destroying everything.

It was doing so good a job at destroying everything that it could not possibly have been described in any way.

Rouge was having trouble standing on her feet.

Knuckles rushed over to the Master Emerald and held onto a rock nearby to steady himself. “Ell! Don’t do this!”

So Rouge had trouble standing on her feet, but Knuckles somehow was able to rush over without any problems. Hm… It’s almost like the emerald wants Knuckles to be there.

Knuckles heard Rouge behind him, being yanked off her feet and forced toward the emerald. He couldn’t let that happen!

Oh dear God, the Emerald is reading my mind! Aaaaaaaaaah!

*runs around, flailing his arms helplessly*

“If you loved me at all! You won’t do this! Ell!”

Suddenly, her face appeared on the emerald’s surface, “You let me die Knuckles,” Her voice seemed co come from everywhere at once.

Her voice seemed “co come”? Um… what? Where are the coconuts around the Master Emerald’s altar? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure all the trees were spaced much farther away…

Knuckles felt tears stream down his face at these words. They were like a knife in his heart.

“Ell… I tired to save you! I wanted nothing more than to protect you! I still want to protect you! But I can’t anymore! I just can’t!”

The face looked so sad, and Rouge was dangerously close to the gem. She was coming closer and closer, unable to stop herself. If she touched that emerald…

…then she would be sucked up? But the last time Rouge touched it, it was all “hey, you just got burned now, LOL!” Hm… It’s almost like the plot keeps changing all the time depending on the author’s whims.

“Ell please! I love you, but I love her too! Please!”

The face looked angry and hurt at the same time, “You let me die! Now you both will die!”


I’ll just find generic villain music. Don’t mind me.

*rummages for generic villain music*

Now the pull was affecting Knuckles as well. He and Rouge were both being pulled in by its power. He wouldn’t be able to stop this! He’s going to die!

He’s totally going to die, guys! I’m totally not going to pull something out of my ass in the next few paragraphs to make sure that this gets a happy ending! Believe me, you can trust me on this!

One look at Rouge’s frightened eyes and Knuckled’s rage exploded. This wasn’t his fiance anymore. This was an angry rock that was trying to kill Rouge! He has to stop it.

Aaaaand, cue something dumb in three… two… one…

“I’m sorry Ell…” He whispered as he lunged for it.

“Knuckles no!” Rouge cried as the echidna rammed his knuckles right through the emerald, sending the shards flying.

A piercing scream echoed through the air and a huge explosion was building up, but somehow, barely contained.

“What?” Rouge asked with bewilderment as the explosion held in place. Knuckles was so awed that he didn’t answer her. But he knew it was Ellie. She really was in there!

As the hold on the explosion weakened, a voice carried into the air.

“I’m sorry too Knuckles…”

Wait, what!?

A huge, blue ring appeared in the sky, spreading everywhere then slowly dissipating. Knuckled took Rouge’s hand and dove under a pile of rubble, escaping from the poison that it contained. When it settled, the world looked a bit like a mess, as did Rouge and Knuckles. But everyone survived! Knuckles and Ellie had won! Rouge was safe, and so was he.

Wait, so… Ellie went in and contained whatever it was that kept the Master Emerald as this massive threat, and she could’ve done that the whole time, even while the Emerald was turning Ellie against Knuckles? What? So what the hell was the point of the Master Emerald being all evil to Knukles… what… I can’t even… How…


Yep, the author definitely made that up at the last minute.


Well, it’s still a better ending than Homura Afterstory. Though it’s pretty sad when the only good thing you can say about an ending is “at least something was accomplished by the characters”.

“Was that”

“Yes.” Knuckles looked at Rouge and sighed heavily, “Years of guarding it, and all I needed to do was bed. Who’d have known?”

Knuckles, I don’t think even the story knew that it would take that little. And what the fuck do you mean by “all I needed to do was bed”? ‘Cause I don’t think ‘bed’ means what you think it means in this case.

The two of them laughed, and for the moment, everything was okay.

And on that incredibly rushed note, this whole thing ends on a tiny, tiny whimper. I almost want to get out the anesthetic to put it out of its misery.

I know, soo not worth the wait… please keep the tomatoes at the minimum… At least I finished it.

See? Even the author wanted to put this fic out of its misery! And that’s pretty bad when even the author is like “yeah, I want this thing to end” like that.

And that’s Secrets of the Master Emerald. It… actually wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever brought here. I’d complain, but hey, after the full-on festival of wrongness that was fucking Jasmine cumslut, I’ll take anything. ‘Cause let’s face it, clichéd and dull is better than “OH GOD WHAT AM I LOOKING AT”. It honestly didn’t give me that much to work with, but hey, it was a nice break.

But now I want to go back to “OH GOD WHAT AM I LOOKING AT” in terms of badness. And I wonder if there’s anything… If there’s anything worthy enough of the WTF that there is.

Hm… I shall go on a long journey to find it. I’ll see you guys next week when I find that thing…


18 Comments on “976: Secrets of the Master Emerald – Chapter Nine”

  1. leobracer says:

    The Author of the Ed Edd n Eddy fanfic ‘Combat Racing’, had ended his fic, not because he didn’t plan the whole thing out, but because he wasn’t satisfied with it.

    Essentially, he did plan out multiple arcs for the fic, and even asked for his readers to submit Original Characters to add to the races, but before he finished the first arc, he announced that he wasn’t satisfied with the fic, largely because he felt like it was too big of a rip-off of Jak X.

    Even so, it was still an enjoyable story overall. And at least his reasonings sounded better than this author’s reasonings. And of course, the way he ended the story was much better and way more satisfying than how this one ended.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yeah, I get the feeling the author ran into a point where she was like “oh shit, I don’t know how to end it”, and then it all ended in a rush. Of this one, not Combat Racing.

      Which, incidentally, I’ve never heard of.

      • leobracer says:

        I posted a link to it when Taco did that F-Zero fic last week.

        And if you want a link to it, here it is:


        It crosses over Ed Edd n Eddy with various other Cartoon Network shows, and puts them into a setting similar to Jak X: Combat Racing.

      • GhostCat says:

        Unfortunately it’s something that happens all the time in badfics; the author essentially jumps off a cliff and is like “This is awesome!” but a some point see the ground rushing towards them and realize “Shit. I did not think this through.”

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Yeah. ‘Tis a shame, really.

        • GhostCat says:

          It’s sad how many of the fics we find have some intriguing concepts, but the author didn’t take the time and put in the effort needed to develop them into something substantial but elected to just toss them at the wall and hope something would stick. A interesting idea will only get you so far before it collapses.

  2. GhostCat says:

    A piercing scream echoed through the air and a huge explosion was building up, but somehow, barely contained.


  3. TacoMagic says:

    “We’ll find a way to destroy it.” Rouge interrupted.

    Which is a great idea! Because the chaos emeralds will totally not destroy the planet after the Master Emerald is gone.

  4. TacoMagic says:

    A huge, blue ring appeared in the sky, spreading everywhere then slowly dissipating. Knuckled took Rouge’s hand and dove under a pile of rubble, escaping from the poison that it contained.

    Whoa there, back up, author. You need to tell me more about this poisonous rubble and why diving under it is a means of counteracting the poison.

  5. TacoMagic says:

    Years of guarding it, and all I needed to do was bed

    Wha? Hold on.

    *Flips open his dictionary*

    Huh, 7th meaning:

    Bed (v): To sucker-punch someone while they are in a cataclysmic rage.

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