973: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune – Chapters Six, Seven, and Eight
Posted: February 23, 2015 Filed under: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune, Wheel of Fortune | Tags: Fantasy, Friendship, Lyle, Television, Wheel of Fortune
Title: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune
Topic: Wheel of Fortune
URL: Chapters Six, Seven, and Eight
Critiqued by Lyle
Good morning, everyone! Welcome back to Mahjoahwofe, a fic that answers the age-old question: “What happens when a twelve-year-old works as a cameraman on a television game show?”
*someone leans toward Lyle and whispers in her ear*
What do you mean “that’s not an age-old question?” Really?
*random person nods*
Oh. Well, we’re answering it anyway.
Last time on this hot mess, Deeks gets arrested for assault (at Adriana’s insistence), Numbnuts gets on the wrong train to a town 8 hours away that isn’t connected to his by train, and then Adriana, in a fit of irony, assaults his father.
Chapter VI: Struck By Lightning
Sadly, knowing how little the chapter titles really relate to the contents of the chapter, I’m guessing that no one actually gets struck by lightening. Pity.
“Don’t worry about your father sweetums” Adriana soothed
“I don’t” Kierain replied defiantly
Don’t you sass your surrogate mother, Young Man. *waggles her finger at him* Or I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.
“Good” Adriana replied
Kierain’s phone rings
“Yeah? YEAH WELL YOU DESERVED IT YOU LOSER WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO PLAY GOLF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” He screamed through the phone
Who the fuck is he talking to? Is that how he normally answers the phone? If Kierain swore more, I’d assume he just has a really bad case of Tourrettes. Here’s a helpful hint for authors: if your character is answering a phone call from someone he or she knows, mention who their talking to before having them spout random abuse to an unknown person.
“NO I WILL NOT BE GOING TO YOUR HOUSE!” He screamed again
“SAME TO YOU!” He finished before hanging up
“Honey Sweetie just calm down” Adriana commented
“Hey” she said before smiling at him
“That’s what I like about you Adri you’re calm” Kierain said
I’d give Geaney bonus points for using the proper “you’re” but the rest of the fic is just too horribly boring. The sheer blah-ness outweighs any potentially redeeming qualities we might come across.
“Oh I have a temper Sweetie” she replied
“Yeah like that time with the Maccas ball” Kierain recalled
Where she screeched at both Johns.
“And that incident with your appendix where Burgo tried to stop me borrowing the car” Adriana added
In this case, Borrow = Steal because she had no reason to use his car except for the thrill of theft.
“I don’t remember that” Kierain said blankly
“You were asleep” Adriana replied smiling
He does seem to sleep through everything, doesn’t he? So not only does he have Tourette’s, but he’s narcoleptic. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t drive himself anywhere or own a car. He’s legally incapable of getting himself around by driving.
“Oh no did I Fall asleep on you?” Kierain asked blushing
This fic just keeps getting more awkward.
“Yes but you were so sick and weak” Adriana replied
“You’re a true friend” Kierain told her
“Come here” Adriana said holding her arms out
Take note, class. This is just about the best example of “Daybooking” I’ve dealt with.
“Wow she’s a lot nicer in person” Kierain thought
“Poor thing that father of his” Adriana thought
Yes, his father is a poor thing having to deal with such a shithead for a son.
“Adriana?” Kierain said
“Hmm?” Adriana replied
“What is it Sweetheart?” she asked
“This is silly” he said blushing
“Go on say it love” she encouraged
” Would you come and watch me play Wheelchair Basketball?”
Wait, what? Is Kierain in a wheelchair? That would be vital information to have given everyone at the beginning of the fic. Or is he just going to use a wheelchair to play basketball? I’m not really into Sportsball competitions. Is this a thing?
As far as I can see, people who are not in wheelchairs do not play wheelchair basketball. It is an official sport, but it’s for people in wheelchairs.
I’m so confused about why Kierain would be playing this unless he really is in a wheelchair, which we would know if the author bothered to describe anything in this fic. But since all this is a list of vague dialogue that is occasionally punctuated by even vaguer actions, I don’t think we’ll ever know.
“I’d love too” she smiled
“Can I come?” Burgo asked
“Sure we’re all pals” Kierain replied
When did The Other John get there? Are they still on Kierain’s doorstep? Are they at work? As far as we know, they’re all just standing around in the Void of Nothingness.
That’s all for this chapter. Since it was so short, let’s go ahead and plough on. Chapter Seven, everyone!
Chapter VII: Boys In Town
These odd chapter titles have got me thinking… I’ll be right back…
*goes to her computer and starts Googling some shiz*
Sonofa- I was right. All these bizarre chapter titles? Song titles. Most of them are from the Divinyls, Kierain’s wet-dream-inducing favorite band. Sometimes I really hate it when I’m right.
If you’re going to use song titles either for your fic’s title, or for chapter titles, please… please, please, please make the titles actually fit the content of the story. I’ve only done this once with one of my fics, and I called it “Better Off Alone,” from Alice DeeJay’s same-titled song. And the fic was about whether or not the main character would be better off alone than with the others. It was campy to use that (I was 15 when I wrote it) but it did actually fit the content of the fic.
Geaney’s use of song titles? Not so much. The chapters are so vague and brief that there’s no real time to relate the title to the content.
Adriana and Burgo talk on the set
“Where’s Kierain?” he asked
“Asleep again I’m worried” Adriana replied
- The only person who sleeps more than Kierain.
I think Kierain is reading this fic. It’s certainly better than any sleeping pill I’ve ever used to induce sleep.
“Why?” Burgo asked
“Did you sleep everywhere 3 weeks after your appendicitis?” Adriana asked
“Well no” Burgo admitted
“Exactly” Adriana replied
Kierain slept everywhere before his appendectomy. The surgery has nothing to do with this narcolepsy he’s been displaying.
“Honey come sit over here” Adriana advised
He goes over to her
“Wow you’re quite warm do you feel okay?” she said
Apparently he’s also constantly feverish. That’s not good.
“Fine” he answered
He exits to his dressing room
It was brought up by one of the patrons in a previous comment section (*waves* Hi, Admiral Sakai!), so I’ll mention it here. The cameraman has his own dressing room? Seriously?
Later Adriana finds him crying
“Honey?” she cooed sitting beside him
“It’s not fair!” he cried
“Honey what happened?” she asked
Although brief, and with a random lack of a carriage return where he usually has them, this is pretty straight forward. Kierain is crying. Adriana wants to know what’s wrong. I’ll let it slide that there’s almost no description of what’s going on, otherwise.
“My uncle took an overdose” he told her “he died”
“Oh honey come here” Adriana said hugging him
She takes him home
… Is this supposed to evoke some kind of feeling, other than annoyance at how poorly the idea of suicide and/or accidental overdose has been handled? It’s just a “someone close to a character we can’t relate to and don’t care about has died due to overdose.” Aaaaaand…. so? I know OD is a horrible thing, especially if it happens to someone you are close to, but I just can’t be brought to give even half a rat’s left testicle about this in this particular case. Kierain is one of the least likeable characters I’ve dealt with. Fuck, Ebony was more amusing to read about than this wet store-brand paper towel.
“There” she said tucking him in
She’s tucking him into bed? Seriously? This is not how one adult deals with another adult, unless they are romantically inclined, anyway. I tuck Neal in when he’s feeling ill, but we’re kind of engaged so that’s different. These two are coworkers. This is really inappropriate.
She goes to leave but he stops her
“Will you stay until I go to sleep?” he asked her
- Would you like her to get your teddy? Maybe a binkie?
“Okay Sweetie” she comforted holding his hand
The next day Kierain hides in his dressing room
- I’m in yo dressin’ room… hiddin’ in yo lamp.
“Come on Honey we want you to talk to us” Adriana said
The door opens
“Hey Champ” Burgo smiled
Adriana puts her arm around him
“Do you feel like talking Honey?” Adriana asked
He shakes his head
Despite the horrible writing, it is rather nice that both The Other John and Adriana are trying to get him to open up to them. There’s nothing really wrong with this section, other than the fact that the cameraman has a dressing room and there’s still no description of anything.
“You just sit with me then” Adriana offered taking him to her table in the staff room
Adriana has her own table in the staff room? Is it like the cool kids’ table at a school? You only get to sit there if you’re part of the “in” crowd?
She talks away while Kierain drops in and out
“Hmm” he sighed’
And cue narcolepsy.
That’s it! I’m coining a new phrase for our Dictionary today. I’m calling it “Narcolepscene.” This is when an author uses sleep as a constant means of changing scenes. This fic is rife with it. Blah.
That’s all of chapter seven, everyone. Shall we surge onwards? Show of hands: who wants to pump out chapter eight and be done with this tripe? *counts hands*
Let’s do it, then!
Chapter VIII: Kids In America
What do you guys want to bet that there’s nothing about America in this chapter? I’ll start the bidding at one cupcake.
Adriana is with her mother Consuelo
I’ve done some Googling of Adriana and I cannot find any reference to her mother’s name. If Geaney made this one up, I will give him credit for choosing a name that actually is a name given to women in Spanish speaking countries. Adriana was born in Argentina. Her mother was Spanish, her father was Greek. *gives Geaney half a cookie*
“I’m really worried about him mum” Adriana explained
“Why?” Consuelo replied
“He’s just not himself Adriana replied
You’ve known him for a couple weeks. I’ve not seen any change in him over that period of time. From what I can tell, this is himself.
“Invite him over for dinner” Consuelo told her
“But you don’t even know him Adriana replied
Are you implying that Adriana, a grown woman, lives with her mother? You do realize that most adults move out of their parents’ house, right?
*takes the cookie back*
“Nonsense you talk about him so much I feel like he’s family” Consuelo smiled
The next day at Wheel Adriana enters Kierain’s dressing room
Without knocking? Rude, Adriana.
“Still just a game but I ask her and remind
Still just a game but I ask her and remind that Mary
YOU’LL DIE TONIGHT!” The CD Screamed in the background
At least it isn’t a songfic, I guess? A simple, “such and such is playing in the background” would have sufficed, though. What is it with fic-authors writing out lyrics all the bloody time?
“Honey” Adriana said as the song ended
“Hey Adriana” Kierain replied
“My Mum wants you to come to dinner” Adriana told him
“When?” Kierain replied
“Tonight After work” Adriana replied
“Okay” Kierain smiled
That’s about the most boring dinner invite, ever. No questions from Kierain about what they’re having, where it is, or even why her mother wants to meet him. No questions from Adriana about allergies or food aversions.
During the show a contestant becomes rowdy
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO LETTER B?” She demanded
“Just that” Burgo replied coolly
The contestant glares at him
The tension. You could cut it with a brick.
Consuelo is fussing over Kierain
“You look thin are you eating okay?” she asked
“Sure I am why?” Kierain asked
She already told you why she thinks you’re not eating enough! Pay attention! *smacks Kierain upside the head*
“Adriana told me you got appendicitis on the set” Consuelo replied
“Oh that nothing I can’t handle” Kierain replied
You sniveled and whined, then passed out. Nothing you couldn’t handle, my left buttock.
“Adriana you take him home I won’t having on a bus in the dark” Consuelo instructed
You won’t having a what?
Adriana drives him home
“Thanks for tonight” Kierain told her
“You’re welcome” She smiled
That’s it? What did they eat? Was it any good? What was Consuelo’s opinions on a 12-year-old joining the work force? Is she okay with her daughter adopting him? Because from everything I’ve read, that’s all I can assume is going on in this garbage.
He goes to his room and sleeps
*flails around wildly, hitting anything within reach with her sledgehammer*
Wait… *double checks fanfiction.net* That’s it? That’s it! We’re done, we’re done!
*hugs the sledgehammer*
See you guys next week!