972: Frozen – Chapters Two, Three, and Four

Title: Frozen
Author: Margaret Lestrange – Riddle
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Romance/Drama
URL: Chapter Two, Three, and Four
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

Hello again, everybody! It’s time for another chapter of “Frozen”!

GET AWAY FROM THE GODDAMN EXIT, YOU PANSIES.

Chapter two is about half the length of chapter one; we’ll see whether or not I have room to cram chapter three in here, too.

In our last chapter, Celeborn took the last boat from the Havens to Valinor and arrived just in time to discover that Jadis has staged an uprising against the Valar and has taken Galadriel hostage.

Shut up, my version makes more sense than the garbled almost-English I had to slog through.

Let’s dive straight in, shall we?

A/N:Hi! First:I wanna say big THANK YOU for reading this story,i hope you actually like it! Second:Here is next chapter.

In Margaret/Yoda’s defense, if I posted something as illegible as this story has been so far, I would also be pretty thankful if it got readers. I’d also be pretty stunned.

Helegil left,fire was burning happily again.

Overlap chapters don’t really work that well, M.Y. Although it’s just a one-line overlap, so I guess you could have done worse.

Celeborn was not man who cried but still,on tear was running down his cheek,leaving trail. He touched his face. One tear on his finger,full of love pain and fear.

It’s like Celeborn can feel our suffering and pities us!

Full of all he felt for his wife.

That’s also acceptable, since M.Y. has her sights mostly on the Lady.

Galadriel,so strong so beautiful was tied to some tree,brutally tortured,ice patterns covering her skin that once shone in the moonlight when they were walking in gardens and holding hands in Lothlórien.

Again, we already saw this in the last chapter. It’s not nice to bludgeon your readers, M.Y.

Lórien, he thought if I just sailed with her,I would be able to protect her,this would not be happening.

Is he using Lórien as a curse, here? Or maybe praying to Irmo? Because if it’s the latter he might be better off directing it to Manwë.

And Celeborn, if your wife—who tore down Dol Guldur while you were helping Thranduil clear out Mirkwood—could not fight off Helegil, I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t have been much more you could have done. No offense, dude.

As if little Frodo was reading thoughts,he shyly stepped nearer to him.

What the fuck is Frodo doing here?! He’s not part of Celeborn’s family!

„My lord,without offense but I do not think that you would be able to do anything if you would be here with lady Galadriel. From what we have helegil is very powerfull so it would be better to start searching for lady.”

Holy balls, somebody actually made sense in this fic.

Ringbearer stepped back. Celeborn nodded. „You are right little should search for her. We have a little hint. That big tree and nature that surounded anyone know this place?”

Aaaaand that fleeing moment of sense is utterly ignored by somebody who’s supposedly far wiser than Frodo.

As an aside, I can’t wait for M.Y. to come screaming into the Library about how her English isn’t broken and FF just keeps taking out entire phrases when she posts. Because those of us who’ve used FF recently are going to totally buy that.

After long silence Celebrian spoke softly,her voice shaking. „I think I do but I am not sure. When I was coming here,along the way I saw peninsula and on it grew really big tree. Even the stones and cliffs were same around it. But it is far away,four,five days of travelling. And I am afraid that naneth will not survive for so long.”

Well, according the the Valië herself, Helegil plans on keeping Galadriel “dead until then,” so I think those fears are potentially a little unfounded, Celebrían. I mean it basically sounds like Galadriel’s been put into a cryogenic chamber.

How does Gandalf not know where this Valië lives? He’s a Maia, for goodness’ sake; only a Valar should have more knowledge of Valinor than he does, and that knowledge gap should NOT include the dwelling place of any Vala, not even the uncanonical ones.

She broke down,crying was no comfort that could be offered and everyone new that. And it was decided. Wether it was worth it or not,they will start their journey tommorow.

Wait, what? Is that first sentence saying that Celebrían’s weeping is utterly useless as a means of resolving the situation, or is it saying no one’s endeavoring to comfort her while she cries? Because one sort of makes sense—you can always cry AFTER you’ve saved your mother—but the other one makes everybody present sound like huge dicks for not at least offering her a hanky.

That goes double for her husband, father, and sons.

Weak,very very weak Galadriel tried to lift her head but it fell down to her chest again.

I never thought I’d say this, but here it goes: Gee, I sure wish you’d given some sort of visual cue that the scene was changing. Like maybe SKIPPING A DAMN LINE?!

She tried to open her eyes but her eyelids were frozen to each other. She was too weak,after few days of fighting ,she gave up. She wanted to die.

And yet her fëa remains securely bound to her hröa. Elves are canonically perfectly capable of dying through sheer force of wanting to. Heartbreak and weariness of life or the world are legitimate threats to their lives, and Elves have been portrayed as dying from it. You know who an excellent example is? Míriel Þerindë, who lost all will to live after spending all the energy of her body and soul in order to bring Fëanor into the world.

Does Helegil also wield the power to deny death to those who long for it? Because I’m pretty sure that’s all different kinds of stepping on Ilúvatar’s toes. And Morgoth’s, for that matter. But mostly Ilúvatar.

And when she thought it was end,Ice Queen came again and was beggining again. Wether it were little pieces of frozen stone digging into her flesh or Helegils nightmares that were bringig up her deepest fears,or her scourge with spines leaving scars on her whole body it was torture.

You don’t even get a quarter of a redemption point for attempting to use “scourge” to describe what’s being done to Galadriel’s back. That whole block of text is just a mess. I’m not even sure if the scourge bit is referring to actual scourging or if there’s some hideous little spine demon Helegil keeps sicking on Galadriel.

But when she came again,that merciless Valier,it was worse than everything.

First of all, the singular form is Valië. Secondly, please stop having her come everywhere. That’s sommat you should only do in private.

„Well,well. It seems like our mighty elf lady is ,I said mighty? I should correct myself. It better would be without power and totally weak. And doy ou know to whom I spoke moments ago? It seems your lover is here to save you.”

So M.Y. does not know how ellipses work. Not surprising, since she also clearly doesn’t know how English works.

Celeborn isn’t anywhere near that bloody tree! He’s still back at [place], watching his daughter cry about his wife probably being dead! How far into the future did this scene shift take us?!

And he and Galadriel didn’t officially marry right away (according to some sources; lord only knows how they pulled that off as lovers, considering Elves marry by way of the naked cucaracha), but they were married by the time the Fellowship stopped by Lothlórien. Celeborn is no longer her lover; he’s her husband.

Celeborn..what?! No she is just lying he will not come.

Galadriel, you should know your husband much better than that, tortured senseless or not.

Than the torure began all over. Nightmares,halucinations,icy stones. Her world fell black again but just before,momentbefoe it happened she felt something going trough mental link she thout was destroyed.

Sometimes I consider just putting up a little reaction shot that conveys a total lack of understanding as to what’s being written in these badfics.

And then I realize that, no, I can’t claim not to understand something just because the English is horrendous. Basically the torture is starting up again and Galadriel’s hearing voices she thinks are the result of sanwe-latya. Obviously that’s impossible due to the distance between her and the other Elves.

/I will come for you. Just hold …./ Ice wind shut the conection of. Helegil had such a power…

Doubtful, since I’m pretty sure interrupting sanwe-latya is either stepping on Irmo’s turf or interfering with a part of their biology. Both pretty big no-nos, I’m sure.

In the morning,early three figures were slowly coming trough snow.

Good for them? Is this one of Galadriel’s hallucinations? Are they about to turn into demons and start giving her wet willies?

Only visible part of their bodies were heads. One wizard and two elves. Female and male.

This reads like a scout giving us information on an approaching party. Only it’s written really, really badly.

Gandlaf,Celeborn and Celebrian. It was hard to walk,because of snow and ice,but they had face of Galadriel in their minds…

Which apparently is inspiring them to continue onward. Or something.

Is Gandalf still an old guy? Has he not had the mode lock taken off yet? Is that why he’s still stubbornly being referred to as Gandalf rather than Olórin?

TBC…

Because we’re just dying for more, M.Y. Nothing completes my day like reading an English fanfiction written by somebody who does not speak fluent English.

Well, that was blissfully short. Let’s take a look at the next chapter, shall we?

And no mad rushes for the door this time.

A/N:Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay I am back guys! I had long PC ban from my mother (again) but I am back and writing again. And cheers! I got so many reviews and follows and favourites…really. So this is 3rd chapter dedicated to all who commented!

Even M.Y. sounds surprised by the attention she’s getting. Considering she has nothing but positive reviews, I’m not surprised… unless of course she deleted any negative comments.

And since when is a computer grounding enough to stop you from writing? Did your phone get taken, too, or are you too lazy to adapt to the different writing environment?

…I’m berating a badficcer for finding excuses not to write badfics.

As they had face of Galadriel in their minds they were continuing their journey to big tree.

*BEEWBEEWBEEWBEEW*

TITS!

-dives for cover-

-comes out of hiding as the DRD leave-

…The hell?

Snow was deep,icy and cold as nothing it world. Snow was flying around them together with mist and they were not able to see tips of their noses.

So they either went blind or lost their noses to frostbite. Oh, wait, except most people can’t see the tips of their noses without looking in a mirror. But if they could, the tips of their noses do not stick out that far from their faces. If they can’t see their noses, something is badly wrong with them.

Celebrian held her fathers hand as if she was little child. She was scared but not for her life but for the life of her mother. She would not survive this. She was sure but she hoped because hope was only think that was able to give Galadriel reason to go on,to fight.

I’m pretty sure we’re once again nearing the edge of my ability to understand stupid. Celebrían’s holding Celeborn’s hand because in spite of her desperate hope that Galadriel is alive, she’s terrified that they won’t find her in time.

Not really sure how Celebrían thinks her hoping will enable Galadriel to hold out, though. That’s all kinds of weird.

They were continuing their journey and in meantime Galadriel was at the edge of the death and life.

So she’s dying. Why can’t you just say “Galadriel’s dying”? How is that difficult?

This terrible weather was not good for her. She was almost block of ice and blood in her body was running wery slowly almost not.

I’m not saying Elves are impervious to extreme weather, but they are rather a great deal hardier than this. Maedhros held out chained by his arm to a precipice of Thangorodrim for at least several months, probably a lot longer. He was a prisoner of Morgoth all this time, and was probably tortured more conventionally before getting shackled to Thangorodrim. Galadriel is Maedhros’ cousin; she’s got the same toughness to her, and should not be this badly off.

Her new nightmares were terrorising her and if she was not frozen she would have been shaking violently.

Shit, she’s literally frozen solid?! That’ll take at least…

-counts on her fingers-

Three weeks off the time she’ll be able to survive!

She was going insane she was loosing her mind

*BEEWBEEWBEEWBEEW*

-sets a plate of cookies out and dives for cover again-

…I think the DRD are broken.

or wateever you want to do on your place in her situation.

What? What do you mean, “whatever I want to do in her situation”? Don’t give your readers a choice like that! You’re the writer! Your job is to tell us what’s going on!

Can I borrow something large and smashy, Patrons?

Her mind was trapped in other reality-another reality

*BEEWBEEWBEEWBEEW*

I’m pretty sure there’s nothing to fear from the little old DRD after all those cookies.

Apparently I was correct.

but that little piece of it that was free was thinkig of Celeborn as if it thought of him was rock that held her in land of livings.

Helegil is letting any part of Galadriel’s mind focus on other things besides the torture? Sounds like a certain Valië needs to learn how to ramp up the suffering as necessary.

Funny is not it?

Alright, you’re running this through Google translate, aren’t you? You’re writing it in your actual language and feeding it line by line through GT. There’s no other explanation for this.

She was the fairest immortal elf yet she was staggering at the edge of death.

Good that you qualified that she’s the fairest immortal Elf, because Lúthien and Arwen still have Galadriel beat.

She took breath and then her mind turned off. The blood in her body was not in move anymore. Her heart stopped…

Did Galadriel just go into a voluntary healing coma? Because it looks like that breath she took triggered the full-body shutdown.

A/N Yay cliffie! I am sory that it is so short but I have another stories to write but I promise that tommorow will be another chappie!

No, really, the length is fine. Don’t make it longer.

Come on, guys, we’ve gotten this far. Let’s take down chapter four! FOR GREAT VICTORY!

A/N And here is new chapter as reward for my loyal readers. (Oh my I am beggining to sound like Voldemort. Really,I shoud stop reading those Voldemort/Bellatrix stories)

Using the word “loyal” to describe the people diligently following your work does not in any way make you sound like Voldemort. That’s like saying you shouldn’t use a politically-charged word “oppressive” to describe darkness.

-slaps the fic-

Words are words, you idiot. They only have whatever meaning is applied to them by the context of the piece in which they appear.

As her heart stopped and her so cold blood began to be even colder,evil laugh was heard in the background and then icicles craking,for they were afraid of their lady.

The icicles the Valië created are afraid of their own creator. I think Helegil has officially stepped in as Morgoth’s replacement.

I'm sure he'll be thrilled. (Credit to Jenny Dolfen.)

I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. (Credit to Jenny Dolfen.)

As soon as he heard that scary sound he stopped. He crubled to icy ground. „It is over,she is gone.” They heard Gandalf say. It was not most polite thing to do,but he was used to tell truth and state the oblivious. Celebrían was comforting her father,crying herself.

Guys, you heard an icicle snap. That’s it. You have yet to find her body. It’s just a teensy bit early to be planning her funeral.

After time that seemed like hours,they heard something gliding against snow. When they looked up,everyones eyes red from crying they just stared.

Guys, seriously. You’re actually increasing the odds that you’ll find her dead. And also that you’ll form icicles in your eyeballs, which will probably turn you into ice wraiths or something.

Don’t look at me like that, it still makes more sense than this entire story.

Even Gandalf had red eyes for he kept some strange kind of love for his lady. But that was not the matter

Celeborn_-_FOTR

STOP GIVING THE GALADRIALF SHIPPERS AMMUNITION.

They saw her. That goddamn ice old witch,

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Language! It’s Eru-damned! Or, less sacrilegiously, Valar-damned. Or just damned. Or damnable.

-shakes finger at the fic-

We do not take the Lord’s Name in vain in a Tolkien fanfiction, young lady!

rotted with evil roots as Sauron itself.

…Bwuh?

Wait! Has it finally happened? Have we finally reached the threshold of my inability to translate stupid?!

Celebrían noticed her fathers hand. It was slowly but surely coming down to his sword.

Sir, that’s not a good idea in this weather.

OH! You mean his actual sword! Sorry; that makes so much sense here that it seemed the unlikely possibility.

Also, I am literally five years old. Ha! Penis jokes!

But she caught his hand and whipered. „Look.”

I keep reading that as “whimpered,” but I’m pretty sure the intended word was “whispered.”

His eyes shot up to see unmoving,tortured body of his dead wife and he heard voice of Helegil.

Holy shit, you all really did give her up for dead early. I was half hoping M.Y. just forgot to add the part where you saw the body around the time of the ice cracking.

„I hope she will be useful to you now!” He ran to his wife,to his soul,to his Galadriel,who was covered in ice. He fell to his knees,tortured cry,forcing itself from his mouth. He took frigile white figure to his arms and rocked himself.

You know, if the grammar, punctuation, and pacing weren’t all such garbage, this would almost wound me in spite of the dumb plot.

Celebrían just watched and cried,for she knew not what it was like to loose somebody with whom you spent ages.

So apparently being forced to leave her parents, husband, and children behind before she wasted away in Middle-earth doesn’t count as losing them?

Oh, wait—EXCEPT SHE JUST LOST HER DAUGHTER AND NOW HER MOTHER, TOO.

-slaps the ficcer-

Psychology: You’re doing it super wrong.

But as if he felt something her father stopped and jumped,taking Galadriel into his arms.

She’s already in his arms. He’s literally crying over her dead body while he rocks himself. Unless he dropped her before the rocking started.

„Hurry,she is not gone yet. I still feel the bond as weak as it is.”

Isn’t Helegil standing right there? You idiot, don’t tell the evil Valië Galadriel’s not dead yet!

They had no other choice than to follow,beacuse bonds were old magic that could not lie. So they just followed,happy spark of hope lighting their way,as they listened Celeborn,as he sang lullabyes to half dead Galadriel.

What the fuck is going on?! When did everybody start walking away? Where is Helegil right now? WHY ARE YOU SINGING TO A MOSTLY-CORPSE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO ADMINISTER WHAT MEDICAL AID YOU CAN GIVE HER?!

A/N I know it was short but next will be longer I promise….

No! No more chapters! I’m taking your FF account away until you learn how to fanfiction properly!

And review please

I JUST DID.

Advertisements

16 Comments on “972: Frozen – Chapters Two, Three, and Four”

  1. Eryn says:

    I think the author actually IS running her fic through Google Translate.

    I ran the line “funny, isn’t it?” though Google Translate into German. Then I translated it back to English. It came out as “Funny, is not it?”

    Which is what’s in the fic.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    She was almost block of ice and blood in her body was running wery slowly almost not.

    GODDAMMIT, now I can’t help but read the entire rest of the ‘fic as though it were narrated by Pavel Chekhov!

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Her mind was trapped in other reality-another reality

    My GOD, Helegil imprisoned her mind within Parallel Realities! Not even Morgoth would stoop so low!

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Celebrian held her fathers hand as if she was little child. She was scared but not for her life but for the life of her mother. She would not survive this. She was sure but she hoped because hope was only think that was able to give Galadriel reason to go on,to fight.

    So, basically, she’s caught in the positive-attitude paradox:

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Helegil had such a power…

    Wait, Helegil got a power? Does that mean she can destoy them all the bad guys?

  6. TacoMagic says:

    So she’s dying. Why can’t you just say “Galadriel’s dying”? How is that difficult?

    Hmm, I don’t know, let’s see.

    Galadriel’s d-

    *Tackled by raptors*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s