961: Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity – One Shot

Title: Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity
Author:   SpiderWolves
Media: TV Show
Topic: Pingu
Genre: Bodice Ripper
URL: Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity
Critiqued by TacoMagic

WARNING:  This fic contains poorly written, inaccurate, yet somewhat graphic depictions of sexual relations between penguins.  Also, the riff contains several very graphic pictures of avian genitalia.  Sadly, that is not quite as exciting as one would hope.

So, with another fic featuring bird precursors behind us, I figured it would be time to do a fic featuring actual birds.  Since my kids are fans of Pingu, a stop-motion TV show featuring a gibberish-talking penguin, Pingu, and his exploits, I thought I’d see what the internet has to offer.  Apparently what the internet has to offer is a fair amount of penguin erotica.  There are a surprising number of Pingu fics that are erotic in nature, in fact they outnumber the non-erotic fiction for Pingu more than 2 to 1.  I’m choosing not to think about that too much.

Of all the ones I took a look at, this was the most poorly written. It’s also the one that didn’t feature either torture or a graphically depicted brutal murder.  My faith in humanity is not doing so good right now.  Anyway, let’s take a look at the summary.

Pingu has his first sexual experience with his Girlfriend, Pingi.

Short, sweet, and to the point.  An actual summary, at last!  Granted, it’s not a grammatically correct sentence and “Girlfriend” shouldn’t be capitalized, but at least it’s a summary.

Also, for the sake of my brain, I’m choosing to imagine that this is when both Pingu and Pingi are of consensual penguin age.  So at least three years old.

Pingu’s days are short, he wakes up late and goes to bed early.

Man, I want to be a penguin!  I would kill for the kind of schedule.

But he always takes time to be with his girlfriend Pingi.

It’s important that we’re not shown any of this.  Actually, since penguin erotica is in the mix, we’re probably better off not being shown anything.

This is one of their sexual experiences:

Wait, if we’re just jumping right into the smut, why the preamble about his sleeping habits?  Why not just go, “penguins have sex and it’s hot, the end,” and be done with it?

When Pingu arrived home after playing all day with Robby, he never expected the wild events of the night would ever happen to him.

I’m trying very, very hard to continue imagining that Pingu and Pingi are of consensual penguin age.  I recommend you all do as well.

After his dinner of fish(typical fucking penguin), Mother and Father tucked him into bed.

*GONG*

Keep your author’s notes out of the damn narrative!  We don’t need your asides!  Especially if you’re going to be all captain obvious with them!  Of course it’s typical of a penguin to eat fish; that’s all they eat, moron.

What next?  “Pingu slid across his belly on the cold ice (typical ice to be all cold and shit).”

“Sleep well Pingu”, Said his mother. “KggHHhhu” said his father, as he had just fallen and jammed his pipe down his esophagus.

*Facepalm*

Slapstick comedy does not work in erotica.  It also doesn’t really work in writing as a rule because it’s visual humor.  Authors, just because we’re using our eyes to read something does not make it a visual medium.

They left the room shortly after, his father screaming in agony.

The death knell of Pingu’s father really does set the mood, doesn’t it?  My brain is making the same sound, actually.  I keep poking it with Q-tips, but it won’t stop.

That wasn’t all the screaming that would go on that night, but the ones to come wouldn’t be from pain, but pleasure.

That has to be the absolute worst juxtaposition I’ve ever seen.  Not because it isn’t a juxtaposition, but because choking to death on a pipe was just put opposite of penguin sex.

There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

 Pingu had almost fallen asleep when he was awoken by a tapping at his igloo window.

That one’s fair enough.  Their igloo does have a window.  It also has cartoon/TARDIS physics and is way larger on the inside.

He was rather frightened at first, but soon realized who it was. He had promised to “meet up with Pingi that night and had almost completely forgotten about it.

Really?  Has anyone here ever set up an assignation and then completely forgotten about it?  Seems like that’s one of those things that would keep you a bit preoccupied.

Then again, Pingu is sleeping [Error 412: Unexpected null value] hours a day.  Maybe he’s got narcolepsy.

He rushed to let her in, excited about what experiences might come later on in the night.

Dude, if he’s this excited, he wouldn’t have forgotten about it in the first place!

She gracefully slid her way into his window, the first of many penetrations to come…

Sadly, this isn’t the worst innuendo I’ve ever read.  It’s still down near the bottom, though.

They clambered onto his bed to begin their love making.

Wow, how steamy.   Good thing I didn’t bring Eliza along for this one, she’d be getting all hot and bothered after an opener like that.

This was Pingu’s first time, so he wasn’t as skilled as the lovely Pingi.  She promised to take it slow, but she was sure that he would get the hang of it quickly.

You know, that was information that I neither wanted, nor really needed.  Now that I have it, I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with it.  Why do I care that Pingi is far more skilled in bed?  Is this foreshadowing a bad case of the clap or something?  Can you please show me something, author!?

They were already naked, as penguins usually are… Pingu delicately brushed the soft feathers between her legs, as she took hold of his growing erection, already as hard as a glacier.

Well, it didn’t take long at all to regret asking to be shown something.  Thank you, author.

Also:

*GONG*

Do your research!  While some birds do indeed have penises, the penguin is not one of them!  They are firmly-

Hmmm, poor word choice.

They are very much in the category of birds that sport the cloaca.  This is nature’s multi-purpose excretion organ, so if you’ve got one, you’re set!  However, sex does tend to be rather boring and quick.  Namely, you mash cloaca together to pass semen; a process that usually lasts at most a minute or two.  Woo, hot lovin’.

Actually, to give emperor penguins their due, the courtship ritual leading up to mating is actually very involved and can take more than a day.  However, the actual copulation lasts about sixty seconds once the positioning is figured out.

 Pingu caressed Pingi all over her body, this was a new experience for him, and he was exploring a whole new world.

I’d make the obvious Disney reference here, but I think I’ll spare everyone the mental association with penguin sex.

Soon after Pingi asked him to put on a condom.

Clo. A. Ca.

Where did he put the condom?  On his bill?

Pingu had one under his pillow for just this purpose, tonight was the night…

Really?  You sure it’s tonight?  I’m not really seeing it.

He had longed for this day from the moment he met Pingi, it inhabited his dreams, his thoughts, he could never escape the lust he felt for her.

Unless sleep is involved, of course.  Author, you need to actually read what you write.  You began this little sexual romp with Pingu being so apathetic to the situation that he completely forgot about it and fell asleep instead, which I’m sure would make Pingi feel really good about the whole situation.  Frankly, I’d be looking for somebody else to smash my cloaca against at this point.

Another sentence I never thought I’d write.

He had trouble putting it on at first, but everything fell into place.

That particular phrasing has me thinking that Pingu is wearing the condom like a hat.

He let out a quiet “Noot Noot” of pleasure, and he went inside of her.

Not since the gentle sensuality of Emeril Lagasse’s BAM! has there been such an erotic catch phrase.

Also, CLOACA!

Told you there were going to be graphic bird genitalia shots.

There is no “going inside” happening in this situation.

Pingi slowly rose up and down on top of Pingi, slightly moaning in pleasure.

Guys, you’re doing it wrong.  Here, let me show you:

Pingu held tightly to her, he never thought it would be as enjoyable as this. Robby had told him things about his experiences, but he never went into the detail.

To be fair, neither has this fic.

Then again, my preference is that the fic not go into detail.

Pingu maneuvered around so he could be on top.

Hey look, he’s finally figuring it out!

He thrusted in and out of Pingi, growing closer and closer to climax.

CLOACA!

bird_anatomy

He thrusted in a bit faster and he clutched at Pingi in ecstasy as he screamed out “NOOT NOOT”.

For those sexually active out there, I highly recommend using that as your orgasm scream.

 They lay next to each other for a few seconds before being interrupted by a knock at the door.

This is going to be awkward.

“Son, for the last time, where did you get that penis?  Just tell me the truth and I won’t get angry”

I STOLE IT FROM A DUCK, OKAY!

 “Pingu, was that you?, are you alright”. Mother had heard his Scream of Pleasure and assumed he had been hurt or frightened, before Pingu knew what was happening.

There are certain downsides to attempting an assignation in a house where you share a wall with your parents.

Also, Author, I think you.

Pingi was sliding out of the window, as quickly and she had entered. “Thanks for the good time, Pingu” she said. And then she was gone. FIN

And so too are we finished with this fic.

Honestly, for a sex fic, it’s interesting that I can’t think of many ways to make it less arousing.  Even if you pretend that it isn’t penguin sex, it’s all so bland and uninteresting that you’d have to be really desperate for something pornographic to actually find this erotic.  It’s barely a step up from the sex in My Immortal.

It’s also really short and over in a flash.

Um… Herr, take it away.

A bit of a brief riff this week, but I figure that I’d rather cut you all loose now than subject you to some of the other penguin sexcapade fics.

Until next week, patrons!

CLOACA!

 

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72 Comments on “961: Pingu’s Venture Into Sexual Activity – One Shot”

  1. SC says:

    Oh good God, why am I reading this riff…

    Well, I’m already invested, so let’s see where this goes.

  2. SC says:

    There are a surprising number of Pingu fics that are erotic in nature, in fact they outnumber the non-erotic fiction for Pingu more than 2 to 1. I’m choosing not to think about that too much.

    … Guys, I need a new Internet. This one’s weird fetishes are too broken for me.

  3. SC says:

    Why not just go, “penguins have sex and it’s hot, the end,” and be done with it.

    As an aside note, I’m really not sure how to respond to the sudden mental image I just received of a pair of penguins having sex standing up by just wobbling back and forth like a pair of Weebles.

  4. SC says:

    typical fucking penguin

    Daaat’s wacist.

  5. SC says:

    choking to death on a pipe was just put opposite of penguin sex.

    There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

    Hey, this is a fic we never thought you’d riff, so it’s all good, man.

    (Also I haven’t even got to the actual mea-

    …Guckgh…

    -To the part of the fic that matters yet, and I’m at five comments already. This is gonna be a looong day.)

  6. SC says:

    She gracefully slid her way into his window, the first of many penetrations to come…

    Glasses: Boo! This porn sucks!

    *Glasses throws popcorn at the screen in contempt*

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      We are also being lied to. It’s hard to tell because of the constant presence of Vague, but I think there was actually only one penetration incident in the entire rest of the ‘fic.

  7. SC says:

    I’d make the obvious Disney reference here, but I think I’ll spare everyone the mental association with penguin sex.

    ‘Kay, but Glasses won’t.

    Glasses: A whole new fuuuuuuuuuck~

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      *picks up Alma*

      Glasses, your ass is DEAD!

      • SC says:

        Glasses, fleeing: I regret nothing and you can’t make me!

        About that-

        *BAM!*

        Glasses: Mew!

        …Yes he can.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

        *huffs and puffs over the pool of blood that used to be Glasses*

        Holy… Shit…

        *looks at respawn point*

      • SC says:

        *Glasses respawns, dressed as Catwoman*

        Glasses: Ooh, leather AND a catsuit!

        Herr, I don’t think you’ve solved the problem.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, then I’ll just have to fix that, now, won’t I?

        [Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

      • SC says:

        *Glasses respawns as… herself, apparently*

        Huh.

        Glasses: I think my clothes are a default setting.

  8. X Equestris says:

    *sees the warning mark*

    God save us all.

    On a side note, how do you post images? I’ve got something that’s perfect for this.

  9. leobracer says:

    I am going to kick your ass Taco. Right after I spent the next year and a half in the in Brain Bleach Jacuzzi.

  10. X Equestris says:

    I’m not sure about anybody else, but this sums up my reaction pretty well:

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, for the sake of my brain, I’m choosing to imagine that this is when both Pingu and Pingi are of consensual penguin age. So at least three years old.

    Ah, don’t you love aging in the animal kingdom?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    After his dinner of fish(typical fucking penguin),

    *growl*

    Again with this shit!? Why!? Why do they all think it’s a good idea!?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

    We seem to do that a lot around these parts…

  14. erttheking says:

    ….Taco, can your next rift please be something that doesn’t involve relations with animals? I actually want to read something you write. And I’m sorry, I just can’t handle this stuff.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’d make the obvious Disney reference here,

    *BAM*

    Don’t you fucking dare, Taco! I do not need to flash back to Jasmine cumslut at any point today!

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    CLOACA!

    Taco, can we just say that our author probably would not be writing bird porn if he knew penguins had cloacas?

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It’s also really short and over in a flash.

    THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

  18. The Crowbar says:

    in fact they outnumber the non-erotic fiction for Pingu more than 2 to 1.

    You’re getting queasy over erotica about penguins?

    …Lightweights.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    (typical fucking penguin)

    Yes, a fucking penguin is exactly what he is right now. (Well, or will be soon at any rate.)

    Although, really, given that he appears to have entirely the wrong genitalia, I’m going to go ahead and take issue with “typical”. There is nothing typical about any of this.

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    Pingi slowly rose up and down on top of Pingi, slightly moaning in pleasure.

    Is this like when Snap was possessed by Snap?

  21. X Equestris says:

    “NOOT NOOT”

    Well, that’s, uh, different.

  22. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    I stand by my opinion that the original show is still so much more terrifying than this…

    Seriously, look at that fucking thing:

    http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/pingu/images/c/c9/Walrus_by_poop87-d328v7e.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120806010124

    • DasCheesenBorgir says:

      Still, won’t deny that a whole archive full of erotica is… disturbing to say the least.

      You don’t suppose people are turned on by that ‘NOOT NOOT’ perhaps?

  23. infinity421 says:

    I saw the title of this riff, and paused mid-breath. I questioned what I was doing with my life, saw the note about avian genitalia, and then clicked onto the riff, a small smile on my face.

    With the shit I’ve written, this is gonna be a breeze to get through, without taking into account the badly-mauled childhood. Bring it on, author, you sick son of a bitch!

    • TacoMagic says:

      When the fics get really bad, there I’ll be, keeping it real by posting pictures of avian genitals.

      • infinity421 says:

        Oh god, I just finished the riff, and I can’t remember laughing so hard in my life. It kinda helps that the first cloaca picture at a glance made my think of an eagle’s beak.

        Man, this entire riff has been one hell of an experience.
        It’s like,
        man, I’m bored of writing about glorious anthro horse dong, I’m gonna read about two penguins with human genitalia fucking each other, delivered in prose so bland it would make my best friend’s cooking look marvelous in comparison, and laugh at a picture of a bird’s genitalia because it reminded me of the Hawkward meme.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Glad I could be of service.

        CLOACA!

  24. infinity421 says:

    That last picture…

    “Archimedes?!”

  25. Baffle Blend says:

    I’m saying this as a shameless furry with a particular affinity for birds: this could not possibly have been done worse. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go laugh some more…


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