952: Philosopher of Earth – Chapters One and TwoPosted: February 1, 2015
Title: Philosopher of Earth
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapters 1 and 2
Critiqued by Crowbar
Hello, my fellow Librarians. I have returned to amuse you all with my agonized screams, and guess what? This time it’s a My Little Pony fic!
…I know, I know, we’ve had quite a few of those here, but I couldn’t just leave it sitting like that. In this particular story, the main character is a misanthropic assbag. I think that’s all the introduction it needs, in fact, so let’s dive in head-first and hope our skulls break before our brains!
Canterlot, the shining capitol of Equestria, home to two of the four alicorn Princess’, crown jewel of the known world… was shrouded in the darkness of a rainy evening. A lone cloaked figure stood high on one of the many buildings that stood around the castle. The horn under the hooded cloak glowed.
This… This might not actually be all that bad?
*The Crowbar hold up a Crowbar to prepare for a celebration*
Maybe it was wrong of me to-
“Come to me Sebashteean… Let us overthrow the tyrants of this land…” the figure whispered. A shadowy feline hopped out of the vast distance in between worlds and stood next to the cloaked unicorn.
*The Crowbar from The Crowbar’s hand slips and comes crashing down onto a table*
I hope to God that the name has been intentionally misspelled…
And, “shadowy feline”? So… Is that like, a cat made out of shadows, or something? And “hopped out of the vast distance in between worlds”?! Did this fic just literally state that the cat jumped out of the Formless Void?! And isn’t “unicorn” a bit of a stretch? For all we know, the “horn” under the hood might be something else entirely!
*Nudges a nearby painter suggestively*
Aww, you clowns don’t even know what a joke is, right…
“It is time…” the unicorn said to the felid. The feline demon nodded and jumped off the roof.
Aww, crap! I don’t think that name was intentionally misspelled!
And now it’s suddenly a demon? That cat is undergoing some fast and random transformations! I think you should get it checked out, man! It could turn into a Gary Stu if it keeps going like this!
The terrified scream of a mare broke the fragile silence below. The unicorn smiled.
Don’t worry over the very small prologue
This is already not boding very well, is it?
Anyways, this was waaayyy too short for a single goddamn chapter, so I’m also doing the next one in a row!
Prepare yer’ brains, because we’re going down on this now!
Down the rabbit hole
Before I begin my tale, there is one thing you need to know, I simply do not belong. One could describe me as a pariah, an outcast. I don’t even fit in with some of my closest friends, online or real life.
Aww, fuck! Painters, get me a keg o’ ryncol! I’m gonna need it, and soon!
Those around me seem to think of me as insane, granted, I may be a tad bit crazy, but who isn’t?
Well, you see, if they think you’re downright insane, you might need to pay attention to what they’re saying. Because as far I’ve noticed, my own friend in school is really weird, especially his sense of humor and how he deals with social situations. We call him weird, not insane or crazy.
I do spend a lot of time thinking/online, and that’s where my story starts. My mother, who thought I was having sleep problems, possibly due to me staying up very late, wanted me to start going on daily walks, she claimed it was “to burn off some energy”. So, that was how I started taking walks outside my home. Now the area I live in is in the middle of nowhere. Woods all around on a dead end road. Some people do live nearby, but depending on the weather I can hardly see them. So on my fourth walk it did come as a surprise when I heard shouts in the trees.
Well, your mother would be right to be concerned about your sleep pattern, especially if you’re going to school. Going to sleep 4 AM when you have to wake up at 7 AM and spend hours on studying is a dumb idea.
Also, this: “she claimed it was “to burn off some energy”.” You’re wording it like you don’t believe her.
And you heard shouts in the trees while walking? Maybe the birds were panicking and tried to escape this fic… You know what they say: Animals sense danger long before humans!
“Hello?” I yelled. The shouts continued, although it didn’t appear they were yelling at me. Curious I stepped off the gravel road and jumped over the ditch into the treeline. Not the smartest thing I know, getting involved in a mysterious event, but hey, I was feeling adventurous.
Yes. Great idea. You hear shouting, and your first instinct is to run towards it. In the woods.
The trees around were the same slender tall trees that grow in the area, spaced at about three to five meters apart. I saw something brush past a tree off to my right… I looked towards it, realizing too late what it was.
“Go away you stupid cat!” I whispered at my sisters cat. Who looked at me as only cats do and padded away on silent paws. I continued walking forwards, following the sounds of yelling. I could now make out partially what they were saying.
The trees were three to five meters apart? Excuse me, but does that even qualify for a forest? I don’t really know about the rest of the world, but in Estonia the forests are FILLED with trees!
And why would you realize that a cat was there “too late”? Are cats your natural enemies?
And, *snerk*, “Who looked at me as only cats do”. That explains so much about the cat’s expression! Was it/he/she looking at you with an interested glance? Hateful glare? Cats have more than just one expression!
“Stop!” “Hooves on the tree!” Hooves? What the frack are they yelling about? Even more curious than before, I quickened my pace. It was then, to my surprise, that the trees around me suddenly became short and twisted, and the ground went from firm to spongy. Odd, I didn’t know the area around my house had such spots.
Dude, if the forest around me suddenly turned into a swamp, I’d go back to my home and check my last meal.
I could now see lights emanating from behind the now stunted trees, as if someone was shining a flashlight around. Slowing ever so slightly, so that I now went forwards as silent as a wraith, I can be extremely sneaky when I want to. Thankfully I wore my dark green hoodie so that at least my torso blended in with the leaves. Up ahead was a clearing, the flashlights seemed to be in the clearing and pointed towards my direction. The shouting now clearly came from the clearing, so what ever was happening was in the clearing.
Erm’, if they were shining their flashlights at you, I’m pretty sure that green hoodie wouldn’t be very good at hiding you. Not that it would’ve helped much in the first place…
And why are there so many mentions of-
SON OF A BITCH, NOT EVEN HALFWAY IN THE STORY!
Painters, you have my permission to use Gumdrop’s yesterday’s leftovers from the food bowl! Don’t ask how I got them, I’m too embarrassed to tell you!
*5 minutes later*
…I suggest you readers don’t come anywhere near my bunker anytime soon. I had to break my own nose to stop the smell.
Sneaking off to the side, I tried getting a good view in between the trees. I was met with a very interesting, if not a little disturbing, sight. There were four figures in the clearing, and none of them appeared to be humanoid. Three were on one side, and a cloaked figure stood opposite them, on the side that I approached from.
What dazed me for a second was the fact that one of the three figures seemed to be floating. On second glance, after taking a brief time to clean glasses, I realized it was flying, on birds wings. A… what? The conclusion I came to was a mythological creature, a white pegasus with a black mane, that also appeared to be wearing a set of golden armor.
My mind was briefly jumbled, and I confirmed what I saw, yes a pegasus. Fuck me. I looked at the two figures on the ground under the pegisous, they looked very similar to the pegious but the feathered wings were missing, what they had differently however, were horns sprouting from the middle of the forehead, or what appeared to be the forehead.
Quickly realizing that they were unicorns, the thought came easily. If pegasi exist then why not unicorns? I already believed they existed anyway, our ancestors weren’t idiots, so what could they have seen?
Oh God, I had to break this wall o’ text into piece so none of you would get hurt. It’s actually quite a bit longer than this, too. I sacrificed like 13 painters for your safety!
“I already believed they existed anyway, our ancestors weren’t idiots, so what could they have seen?”
Excuse me, but no. Literally anyone could slap a horn on a horse’s head and call it an “unicorn”. I think our ancestors could have used more of their imagination in the horse-mythology department.
And by the Crowbar, how the fuck could you misspell “pegasus” multiple times in multiple ways in a single paragraph?! Sure, it’s a giant-ass paragraph, but still!
*The Crowbar slams his Crowbar against the table, cracking it*
And now you say “fuck me”? Why would say “frack” earlier, if you didn’t care about swearing, you silly?!
The two unicorns also wore golden sets of armor, one was also white with a gray mane and the other was blue with a brown mane, and what I presumed to be flashlights were actually lights that shone out of their horns.
Mentally taking note of everything, the next thing that begged for my attention was the final figure. It was also a unicorn, confirmed by the horn sprouting out of its head, was wearing a dark grey cloak, and had dark purple fur.
It took me several moments to get over the fact that at least three unicorns and a pegasi existed, when I finally realized they were speaking, in english. That astounded me.
Wait, I just noticed… We have absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever about how our main character looks like! Or anything, really!
You know what, until he gets a description, I’m using one of my painters as a template.
*Grabs a random painter and tosses it into the fic*
Don’t worry, I’ll tell your family you died for science!
Hehehehe… That excuse always works.
“Its over Void!” the pegasus shouted in a masculine voice. “Give up now!”
“Never! I would rather die than be a slave to the alicorn tyrants!” shouted the dark blue unicorn, also in a masculine voice. Alicorn? Tyrants? What? I searched my memories for an “alicorn”, finding nothing.
…Slave to the alicorn tyrants?
Did I miss the memo, or is Celestia’s favorite pastime impaling heads or something like that now?
And hold on a second! That same unicorn was just purple in the last paragraph! Now he’s suddenly blue?!
I think this guy needs to get his eyes checked…
“The princesses were never tyrants!” shouted the white unicorn. That voice sounded feminine, so I started looking for biological differences between the two unicorns that had spoken, the third remained silent.
Realizing that, what I will now refer as “she”, had a slightly shorter snout than the others, and had a smaller build. Putting those facts together, I realized the unicorn who hadn’t spoken was a male.
All of my scientific thoughts were suddenly dropped as I realized that I was leaning forwards, too far forwards.
Good one, man.
My thoughts blinked faster than any eye ever could. To try and stop myself from falling would likely cause my discovery, to continue falling, and accepting fate, would absolutely mean my discovery.
You know, instead of going off on a paragraph-long explanation, you could have, oh I don’t know…
*The Crowbar pretends to inspect his fingernails before slamming his Crowbar against the table, breaking it in two.*
PULL YOURSELF BACK BEFORE YOU FELL?!
What my mind didn’t acknowledge until after the events, was that the unicorn that I had labeled “Spark” was saying something along the lines of,
“The alicorns were always tyrants! Enough talk! I beckon to thee, Sebastian, come to my side and aid me!” runes started glowing around “Void” annnnnnnd, nothing happened, the only thing that did happen was me falling out of the trees and into the clearing.
I fucking told you. Instead of pulling yourself back into hiding, you decided to be a moron.
And did you really have to draw that “annnnnnd” out like that? Oh well, not my problem.
*Tosses the extra n-s into a shredder*
And wow, this guy is butchering the cat’s name!
“You can’t surly mean a grey striped cat?” I asked, still reeling from the fall and not thinking clearly. At this the unicorn looked angry,
Wait, where the hell did you fall from, if you still can’t think clearly?!
…Don’t… Don’t tell me you forgot to put your arms in front of yourself to cushion the fall…
*The Crowbar motions the painters to get him a new desk. He immediately faceplants when it arrives*
“What have you done to my hellcat?” he yelled, taking a few angry steps towards me. That was when I stood up, now for the unaware, I am a little over six feet tall, I’m not what most people call “short”. And now that I am up close, the size of the unicorns ranges at about four feet tall. Surprised at my full height the dark purple unicorn started to back away slowly.
*The Crowbar raises his Crowbar*
Erm’, just a hypothetical question, but… What happened to the white ponies in armor? Did they fall into the Formless Void when I wasn’t looking?
And from what I can see from the attitude of the unicorn, I’m pretty sure he’d be too arrogant to just back away from you. Since, you know, he could just levitate your ass and toss you out of the forest.
“YOUR, HELLcat?” I asked, “Kay, first of all, that dumb cat isn’t yours, second that cat is as harmless as a dead fly…”The other three mythical creatures, didn’t even blink at me falling through the brush.
Damn, the formatting of the dialogue is cringeworthy… And I wouldn’t have that sassy attitude if there was an angry unicorn in front of me, who most likely could just vaporise me whenever he wanted to.
And the other ponies didn’t even react at all to a completely unknown, sapient creature suddenly coming out of nowhere?!
Damn, Celestia has trained her guards well!
“Call it off!” yelled the pegasus as he took a more aggressive stance. I realized he was calling me an “it”.
“Go back to whence you came denizen of another dimension!…….I…It won’t work!” yelled the dark purple unicorn.
“It?!?!” I turned on the pegasus. Most of the time I’m calm and collected, until someone starts calling me names and/or threatens things I care about, then I tend to act rashly, something I’m not proud to admit. I barely had time to duck when a beam of power rushed near my head.
*The Crowbar sighs heavily*
There are panicky unicorns right in front of you and you’re whining about being called an “it”?!
And how is that name-calling, you dimwit?! They have never seen a member of your species! How the fuck are they supposed to refer to you then?!
“Shit!” I yelled as I jumped over the very surprised dark purple unicorn, and ran back into the trees.
“Get them!” I heard behind me. Now as one who isn’t entirely comfortable in the woods, but has spent more time in some than the average person, I had some idea of what to do, not a lot, but in a situation like that, better than nothing. I heard a “whoosh” of air behind me and ducked. I looked up in time to see the pegasus rush overhead into the trees beyond. I had a brief second of thinking only the pegasus was after me, when I felt the skin on my right cheek go numb. Instinctively dodging to the left, I managed to avoid a blast of blue energy.
After that most of my memories are a blur of dodging bolts of crackling energy and ducking to avoid the pegasus, Until I thought I finally managed to juke my pursuers. Ducking behind a fallen log I found myself face to face with the dark purple unicorn.
What. You felt your cheek go numb? I think it would a bit late to dodge by then. And as a person who only goes on walks every now and then, not to mention recently, I don’t think you could escape a bunch of highly trained royal guards. Especially if one of them has WINGS, you dimwit!
“Aagh!” he yelled in surprise. I quickly clamped my hand over his mouth. His eyes were wide in fear. I quietly put my finger over my lips to indicate that he remain silent. He nodded under my hand, I slowly withdrew it. He, thankfully, remained silent.
“What are you?” he whispered. Thinking back to a period of three months spent in quiet contemplation of possible extraterrestrial encounters and other thought provoking scenarios, I answered as I had in most of those situations.
Sweet Filly Celestia, here we go…
Brace yourselves, my dear Readers!
“I am of a species that everything should learn to fear.” Now, I know you are wondering, why would I answer that? So, I will also answer this bluntly, humans are destructive creatures. We destroy everything we touch, our environment, our culture, even our own families.
Name a time when humans weren’t at war, didn’t brutally slaughter animals, and/or cut down important and rare trees. As I said, three months of thinking and still no answer to that question. The unicorn seemed to pale.
“Oh poop, oh poop” He mumbled. Now it was my turn to ask a question.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
OH GOD, I CAN’T… THIS IS JUST-*gigglesnort*-GOLD!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO INTRODUCE HUMANITY TO AN ALIEN SPECIES?! YEAH’, GREAT FUCKING FIRST IMPRESSION, THERE, ASSHOLE!
*The Crowbar starts strangling a painter in pure rage*
“Now you seem to know what’s going on, where am I?” I asked looking at him.
“What? You don’t know where we are?” he asked looking slightly shocked. I looked at him raising an eyebrow.
“Okay! Okay… We are currently in the Everfree Forest in the land of Equestria.” he answered raising his front hooves in surrender. Everfree… Equestria… Neither of those names matched a location on Earth.
I wasn’t too familiar with names of forests, but I’m sure I would’ve remembered a country such as “Equestria” I was about to ask another question when a beam of light passed overhead. This was so obvious, that I realized that it was getting dark. Mom would be getting worried, but the light passing by overhead again, pushed those thoughts out of my mind.
I strained my ears. I could hear the crunching of twigs as two sources stepped on them. Made sense, the pegasus would be flying.
*The Crowbar rips the painter’s head off, throws it in a dumpster and keeps reading*
Huh. So a beam of light means that it’s getting dark? For a moment there I thought the other ponies had found them and were about to make his head go poof!
Ah’, a Crowbar can dream…
“Dang we lost them!” yelled a masculine voice.
“Try over by that log!” yelled the female unicorn. I heard a slight flapping that got closer. I then saw a fairly large stick next to my right hand. I silently grabbed it and waited. The flapping sound got closer. I got ready to spring. Closer, closer… A muted gold helmet slithered into view.
Yes. A stick will help against metal armor. And how is a helmet muted and how does a helmet slither exactly?
I stood up suddenly and brought the stick around to meet the pegasus’ head. I was rewarded with the clanging thunk of the pegasus getting struck senseless. Who, by the way, was not at all expecting a club wielding human behind the log.
What. He actually knocked him out with that? Holy shit, Celestia’s guards have subpar equipment…
“Who, by the way, was not at all expecting a club wielding human behind the log.”
It honestly sounds like you’re jerking yourself off right now.
I pounced over the log and darted in between the confused unicorns, who had just turned towards the clang of the helmet. When they saw a dark shadow rushing in between them they brought their glowing horns around with them and blinded the other, making my escape all the more easy.
Hearing the mess that I had caused behind me intensify as the dark purple unicorn had attempted to follow me, but had run into one of the unicorns. Smiling, I dashed into the dusk.
Thinking that I am leaving one heck of a trail for them to follow, once I was far away, I decided to run in a jumbled circle, occasionally running backwards or running away from my mess only to loop back around.
Yes, and while you’re running around like a fucking moron, they’re gonna sneak in, trip your feet, tie you up, bring you to the princess, and probably put you on trial for assaulting a member of the Royal Guard.
You’re done. Or you would be, if any logic was applied to this fic!
Once I was done I started running backwards out of the circle, keeping one eye on the setting sun and the other behind me, or forwards depending how you look at it. I finally stopped running and started looking for a place to hide. Those three would take all night to disentangle the loops I made.
Or, you know, they could be proffessional trackers and untangle your mess in 10 seconds.
Damn, this guy really doesn’t think things through, does he?
I finally decided on climbing a tree and hiding there until morning. I stayed awake as long as I could turning my head towards any sound I heard, until sleep finally claimed me.
Wow, this guy actually managed to do something that could benefit his survival!
It’s a miracle!
*Blasts a ton of high-velocity confetti at a group of unsuspecting painters*
+++With the three Royal Guard +++
That’s a strange name to give a pony…
“Argh! We lost it!” complained the pegasus named Wind Rush.
“Calm down,” said the female unicorn named Silver Star “We haven’t lost it, its tracks are right here, plain as day!”
“Why can’t I just speed along and find it? Oh wait, I have this to lug around.” Wind Rush complained again, this time yanking on a rope that was tied around the neck of the dark purple unicorn.
Holy shit, these guys immediately hung the purple unicorn when they caught him?
Huh, either Celestia is big on mob justice, or she really hated this guy.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, we get their names in the middle of narration? Dude, you need to work on describing stuff.
“What are you complaining about?” the unicorn sarcastically asked.
Oh, so he’s alive? Why the fuck is there a rope around his neck then? Or is that a leash?
Goddammit, describe shit, author! DAMMIT!
“Quiet you!” yelled the furious Wind Rush as he yanked on the rope again, “It’s because of you we’re in this mess!” The leading unicorn, who hadn’t spoken since the log incident, stopped suddenly, his light pointing out into the dark.
“Uh..Nimbus? asked Silver Star, who wondered what he was looking at. It wasn’t until she saw what his light lay on did she understand.
“Oh. Buck.” she stated. Ahead of the group lay a jumble of the elongated foot steps that they had already been following for hours. The tracks went to and fro, it looked like it had a party, running in circles, some tracks went away from the jumble and some came back.
“Now what.” Silver Star asked, looking at the unicorn known as Nimbus Light. Nimbus, the leader of the hunting party sent to find Void Spark, the dark purple unicorn, took a few moments to think.
Now you untangle this fucking mess, which is really easy by the way, since you only have to find the other footprints that go out of this. Or if no other footprints are there, then all you have to do is look up.
“Wind, you take the prisoner back to the Princess, Silver and I will stay here and begin untangling this mess. Morning isn’t far off and I’m sure the Princess will like him to be back in custody when she awakes.”
“Sir yes Sir!” saluted the happy pegasus, happy because he didn’t want to sort out the mess, nor find the thing that had given him a good headache. At that the tied up prisoner began running towards Canterlot, dragging the still flying pegasus with him.
“I don’t want to be anywhere near that thing!” he yelled, surprisingly willing accept his fate at the hooves of the princess. When they were gone Silver Star looked back at the ground in front of her.
Seriously? The unicorn is seriously terrified of that scrawny piece of shit? Is it just me, or is there a Gary Stu in the works here? I don’t think I want to find out what a misanthropic Gary Stu is like…
*The Crowbar shudders*
“If that thing scared Void Spark like that, I’m not sure I want to find it.” she said. Nimbus nodded and replied,
“I don’t want to find it either, but he brought it here, and knowing the trouble he caused in the past, we have to find it before it wrecks havoc.” Silver Star looked back at the ground, sighed and said solemnly,
“Well then we better start finding it.” with that she cast her light brighter and started to slowly retrace the tracks.
If you see any mistakes don’t hesitate to say something
Well… First of all, stop butchering names like that. I bet over the course of however long ago you posted this Chapter, there have been some people who have pointed out these mistakes.
But this author is just as bad as his character, so I don’t think that will happen.
Well, in any case, I hope you enjoyed this… *The Crowbar gestures towards the screen* …This shitfest, and stay tuned for more!
…I mean, if you want more, that is.
Ah’, good, the painters brought my ryncol!
*The Crowbar takes a swig from the keg*
Ah cannae hawp thir’s 20 chaipters o’ this crap ‘n’ tis aye bein’ updated!