948: Life with Raptors – Chapter Nine

Title: Life with Raptors
Author:   AwesomeHunter77
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre:  Humor/Drama
URL: Life with Raptors
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Well, we’re in the home stretch now, folks.  Just two more chapters and we’ll have put yet another raptor romance fic behind us.  Dinosaur cookies and brain bleach coctails will be served at the reception after the last installment.  But until then, we’ve got another chapter to tackle.  With me again is Eliza, one of our resident experts on the subject of raptors.

“I’m now in 3D!”


Last time on Life with Raptors, May spent a lot of time stockpiling for a hurricane.  Like, a lot of time.  Not sure why she thought she needed all the crap she gathered, seeing as tropical storms typically blow over in only a day or two at most, but apparently she likes to be well stocked.  And by well stocked, I mean sitting on top of a pile of grass, twigs, and rotting food.  Meanwhile she also rigged up a new door to the Tree Cave.  Made out of an untanned dinosaur skin.

“Tree Cave’s new name is Stank-Hole.”

Meanwhile Seth and company finally have a half-decent hunt.  And by that I mean they find something already dead and tuck-in.  Still, way better than they’d been doing up to that point.  Anyway, through a point of sheer contrivance, this scavenged corpse also happened to be the one May cut her door from.  So Seth used her scent from that carcass to track her down, at which point they were reunited.

“You forgot the best part!”

Which was?

“May beat Seth with a stick!”

Ahh, yes.  How could I forget?

This week we join them on location in the scenic formless void.

Chapter 9: Death is on the horizon

Wait, he is?

*Taco whips out his binoculars*

I challenge you to a duel.

Oh for the love of-.  CRUNCHY!  Your bridge partner is here!

May’s POV


*Eliza unleashes her Force Glitter on Taco*

Bleh!  Right in the-

Wait, since when can you use the Force?

“Shh, don’t tell Crunchy.”

I looked up. And there it was.

Ahh yes, the thing.  Long have we awaited it.

“And now here it is!”

It was like the Gallimimus, and the raptors, it stood at human height.

That sentence, English, does very not well.

It was brown and a brownish green.

“Great.  So not only is it vague, but also drab.”

It had a thick muzzle, and two large crests on its head.

“Where did it get that muzzle?”

Probably found it on a canid somewhere on the island.  I wonder if she’s wearing that muzzle over her snout/beak.

“That’s a creepy image.”

You’re welcome.

It walked on two legs and had two three fingered hands.

Well, at least it wasn’t one of the mutants with three hands.

It was a dilophosaurus.

There we are.  Descriptions are hard, so just name drop it after a half-hearted effort.  Good jerb.  Then again, since this is a blog I can take the cheap way out and just post this:

Oh Hai!

“Well hello there, sexy.”


It stood there, chirping and trilling while the alpha and I stared at it.

“Somebody has it bad.  I bet he stacked up a bunch of rocks next to a pile of fluff and everything.”  *Fans self*


I slowly pushed him off, and began to back away.

“Don’t shove the poor guy.  He’s just trying to attract a nice, fertile female.  Which, coincidentally, I just happen-”


Then, a large frill expanded from the jurassic predators neck and it began to hiss before it sent a glob of venoumous, blinding spit at us from its mouth.

Nice going, May.  He was just trying to be friendly and then you had to go and be rude.

I jumped back just in time, while the alpha growled angrily.

Hey, you are the ones being all pushy.  Keep your growls to yourself!

This was going to be terrifying and interesting.

“Doubts.  I have them.”

Seth’s POV

*Ethereal glitter materializes around Taco and thoroughly coats him*

“I find your lack of glitz disturbing.”

When I looked up, I saw a creature that was about my height, with two large head crests and a build similar to mine.

Instead of seeing this again, can we just skip ahead to the interesting part?

“I don’t think there is an interesting part.”

Fine by me, we can just end it her-



I was pushed by my human and I watched intently.

“First she pushes the Dilophosaur, and now Seth!”

Somebody must stop her before she shoves again!

When she began to back away though, it wasn’t good.


“Yeah, you know, the thing.”

Oh right, that.

A frill expanded from its neck, causing me to screech and jump in surprise. The creature hissed before spitting a brown, mud-looking substance at her, which made her jump back.

Yup, just as boring the second time.  Can we move into some new territory now?

It must’ve been some sort of weapon, and the fact that it was used against my human was not something that made me happy.

I screeched angrily and charge, teeth bared and claws readied.

That strikes me as a good way to get yourself covered in blinding tar.

The creature seemed surprised by the attack, staring at me for a second before expanding the frill again and hissing.

Must not have been too surprised.  He had enough time to regroup and get ready for the attack before you collided.  Pretty good reaction time for being charged at from within spitting distance.

I wasn’t deterred and leaped, we both went tumbling to the ground, I quickly got up and bit into its neck, but it hissed and knocked me off, clawing at me.

*Taco and Eliza break out the “Team Dilophosaur” shirts and foam fingers.*

Go, Dilophosaur!

“Spit in his eyes!”

We clashed again, claws flashing, teeth gnashing. It was hectic.

I’d take your word for it, but with everything else being so boring, I’m finding it hard to believe.

“Maybe it’s comparatively hectic?”

So like a tea party where the scones run out before everyone has taken one?

“I was thinking more like a book club meeting where nobody actually did the reading.”

I bit into its neck again while it clawed my chest and heaved, tossing it a little ways.

Dils, don’t throw yourself in battle.  Throw your opponent.

“Rookie move.”

But it only needed to hit what was nearby.

Is Seth suggesting that the Dilophosaur is about to do a spit alphastrike on the entire surrounding area?  Like a kind of a blinding, tarry mucusplosion?

“I’m both aghast… and a bit aroused.”


The creature screeched in pain as it hit a tree, its back snapping from the impact.

*Eliza throws popcorn at the fic*

It fell to the ground, paralyzed in the back half, while it clawed at the ground feebly with its claws. It let out a weak chirp as it looked up at me.

C’mon man.  Just a little revenge spittle to the eyes, that’s all we ask.

I hissed and jabbed my large foot claw into its stomach before slashing, spilling the animals organs.

*Taco and Eliza pack up their team Dilophosaur gear*

That was a pretty feeble attempt at killing the resident Stu.

“At least he hoarked a glob of venom at May.  We can give him that much, at least.”

I’ll give him a 4/10.  The T. Rex still trumps him as best character.  She took down a freaking Carcharodontosaurus.

I screeched victoriously before I heard more chirping.

From multiple animals. I looked around and saw that we were surrounded by the creatures.

“Clever girls.”

Dammit, Eliza!

My human ran to me and clutched onto me, looking around at the approaching carnivores.

*Taco and Eliza quickly re-unpack the Team Dilophosaur gear*

Best plot twist, ever!

And then, something happened.

“Oh noes!  Not the thing!”

And thank god it did.

And we finally have the return of Raptor Jesus.

“May His All-Devouring Maw chew you only briefly.”

Then again, it’s nonspecific and not capitalized.  Maybe it’s raptor Thor.

“May his meat hammer spare your eggs.”

Wait, what?

May’s POV

*The very form of glitter is pulled across space and time to converge on Taco’s location, coating him in several inches of pure glittery essence.*

“Never underestimate the power of the sparkly side.”

I feel unclean.

The alpha, thank god, won, but the victory was short lived when more of the dilophosaurs appeared, about ten of them.

Also lowercase.  Is she a convert to raptor Thor?

“May the holy squelch of his meat hammer deafen your enemies.”

The alpha being my only safety, I ran over and clutched onto him, not like I had a choice, but it seemed comforting.

Uhh, since when did ‘not be all clingy during an attack’ stop being a valid choice?

They were about to attack when we got a lucky break.

It’s the thing!

Four loud screeches filled the air and the alphas pack ran out from the brush at all angles, attacking the dilophosaurs.

So, to refresh everyone it’s ten to five in favor of the Dilophosaurs, and team Raptor already has one injured member.

“I don’t care how good those raptors are supposed to be, they don’t stand a chance in that fight.”

The alpha looked schocked for a moment before screeching loudly and attacking the nearest dilophosaur.

It’s depressing to know that the raptors are going to win this fight.

I just watched the carnivores battle.

Not even going to use your stick to help out?

“What a load.”

Well, that is the theme of her character: standing there while the plot happens around her.

The alpha was currently riding the largest dilophosaur like a bull.

“I do love it when modifiers dangle.  The imagery of a bull ridding a Dilophosaur is just not one of those things I’d otherwise get to envision.”

 The beta male (Max) was acting like a dog, growling and shaking the dilophosaurus by the neck in his maw.

You can tell that you’ve done an outright shitty job of establishing your characters if you have to remind your audience what their names are via author’s notes.

“Or if you have to create a dedicated chapter to refreshing yourself on what the names are.”

In many ways Zinc and AH77 are kindred souls.

The beta female (Lily) was currently in a wrestling match with another dilophosaur. And the two subordinates (Austin and Ellie) were currently slicing a dilophosaur open.

“So then what are the other six Dilophosaurs doing?  Just standing there watching?”

Author, you are very not good at action scene.  You had plausibility within your grasp with the surprise attack.  If the raptors hit hard and fast, they might have been able to shock and overcome what would otherwise be an overwhelming force.  It’d be a really risky, but with coordination and a solid, lethal initial attack, the raptors could have made this whole thing work. But then you ruined it with a mixture of daybook action and a failure to account for all the opponents you populated into the scene.  Not to mention the Raptors roared as they attacked, which cancels out the only advantage they had here: surprise.  All told, you get an F- for this fight.

And the whole time it had been raining and we hardly noticed.

“If you hardly noticed, why bring it up?”


Then a loud roar peirced the air, and the dilophosaurs still standing and the raptors stood to attention, while I looked around in fear.

*Gumdrop crashes through the wall, furiously waving his foam finger*

I kept hoping we’d get to see more of the T.Rex.  She’s the glue that holds this fic together.

“Very true.  If you think about it, every major plot point involves her barging in and killing something while everything else either stands there helplessly or runs away.”

And let’s not forget she took down that Carcharodontosaurus in single combat without any real injury to herself.  Too bad she’s a canon character.  As it is, I’m tempted to forgo that rule and evac her anyway.

And there it was, running out of the trees. The Tyrannosaur ran forth and bit at whatever it could get, the first being a dilophosaur, I didn’t want to knw what was next.

*Gumdrop jumps enthusiastically from foot to foot, shaking the bunker*

I’m so happy for him.

“There just aren’t enough fics with T. Rexs in them.”

We all turned and ran, but I was, of course, falling behind.

*Crunchy streaks in and swaps Taco’s and Eliza’s ‘Team Dilophosaur’ gear for ‘Team T. Rex’ gear.*

Everyone is getting into this.

“Well, she is a compelling, strong female character that you can root for without reservation.  We don’t get those very often.”

Well, not since a certain raptor from Raptor and I, anyway.


We ran into the jungle, all the shapes were shadows and hard to make out, but two groups seemed to split off.

Just when you think a fic can’t get any more vague…

One seemed like the dilophosaurs, the others the raptors, because the alpha turned and follwed one, I followed behind.

Is this while you’re still losing ground, or did the author forget that you were being outpaced by everything?

Had we both not stopped short, we would’ve ran into a pair of bone crushing jaws with banana sized teeth.

We turned and hurried back, we were now totally seperated, and lucky us, the Tyrannosaurus chose us as its next possible meal.

*Everyone waves their foam fingers*

T. Rex!  T. Rex!  T. Rex!  T. Rex!  T. Rex!

“You can do it!”

We ran as fast as we could, me being clumsy and stumbling, wasting precious time while the alpha made sure I was alright.

And then it seemed all for nothing.

I am daring to hope for a miracle here!

“What, that they somehow get away from a T. Rex that can keep up with a jeep?”

Hell no, I’m hoping the T. Rex bags herself a Sue/Stu!

“You optimist, you.”

We ran until the forest cleared into a flat plain, and that flat plain ended with a cliff that fell straight into the ocean.

Ahh.  The perfect place to escape from a giant predator.  A nice, flat, wide-open area.

We stopped just short of the drop and turned to see if we could get around the T. Rex and make a break for it again.

But it was hard to squeeze past a massive predator that was only about ten feet away.

*Gumdrop jumps up and down while flailing his foam finger*

“The author was right!  This is interesting!”

Yeah, just not for the reasons she thought it would be.

It glared at us, growling, before letting out a massive roar.

“This is like the best scene in the whole fic!”

It would be worth a redemption point if we weren’t supposed to be rooting for May and Seth.

“I was so excited, I totally forgot that we were supposed to be afraid for them.”

The alpha challenged it with a loud screech before running forward at the larger predator.


“You’ve got him dead to rights, girl!  A quick chomp and a shake, and it’s all over!”

This is even better than in the movie when she kills raptors! Mostly because we actually have a good reason to hate this one!  The ones in the movie were just trying to get something to eat when the PCC delivered the T. Rex to save the main characters.

The Tyrannosaur snapped at the alpha, barely missing.

You’re still good!  Plenty of time to make the kill!

The alpha jumped onto its chest and began clawing and biting. The T. Rex couldn’t reach either.

“He’s clinging to your underside!  Quick, squash him!”

But it could shake and run around.

Crush him against a tree!

It roared angrily and began to stomp closer, I dodged its feet and watched as it neared the edge of the cliff.

No, no,  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,  no!  Back off of that cliff, young lady.  Nothing good comes of being near a cliff while flailing!

Then, there was a rumbling noise and a cracking.

“Somebody cover Gumdrop’s eyes.  I don’t think he should see this.”

All three of froze, the Rex, the alpha and I.

*Sigh* Of all the shitty Dues Ex Machinas, she has to pull out the ‘unstable cliff by the ocean collapsing.’

“It really does lack the quiet dignity of a railing kill.”

We looked at the ground beneath the Rex’s feet, and it ws cracking, filled with mud.

“Oh! That misplaced comment about the rain was supposed to be foreshadowing!”

Honestly, that was probably one of the better cases of foreshadowing we’ve ever seen in the library.  It was just out of place enough to catch notice and it was actually capitalized on.  It wasn’t good, for sure, but it actually adhered to what foreshadowing is supposed to be.

All seemed to go in slow motion.

“This scene, or the fic as a whole?”

The first to move was the alpha, jumpig off the Rex and running.

Speaking of slow motion, that cliff face is taking forever to collapse.

The Rex followed, still determined on getting the alpha.

“A lot of follow-through with this lady.  A shame she’s about to fall off a cliff.”

The ground gave way under the Rex, and, with a loud roar, fell the forty of more feet to the rocky beach below.

*Gumdrop roars in heartrending grief*


*Darkwraiths appear*

Get him his blankie and put on the T. Rex episode of Walking with Dinosaurs.  Remember to stop it after the chicks hatch.

*The darkwraiths escort Gumdrop out of the room*

I feel so bad for him.

“He’ll get over it.  I’ll have Crunchy arrange bake sale in the morning to help Gumdrop along.”

The alpha jumped as a piece of the ground gave under him, he wasc aiming for a solid piece of land.

As opposed to aiming for empty air or a slick vertical face.

But most of it gave way.

How much of it?

“You know, a good portion of it.”

Enough to matter?

*Eliza shrugs*

The alpha screeched in fear before digging his claws into the ground he could reach, hanging off the edge.

I can’t even hope that he falls because I know that he’ll just hit water and survive.  Even though the T. Rex hit rocky beach.

I hurried forward to help him as the portion of the ground began to slowly fall away.

Jeez, this scene is STILL in slow motion!

“No, I think that’s just the normal pacing of the fic.”

I tried to pull him up, but it all happened so fast, I could barely catch it all.

Dude, don’t try to catch the crumbling cliff.  That’s a sure way to get buried and suffocate.

Never mind, go for it, May.

The ground began to give way, falling into pieces. The alpha managed to shove me back. I fell and hurried to get up at the sound of his screech.

I think it’s important to re-iterate that the T. Rex hit rocky beach in an earlier portion of the collapse.  Since then, even more of the cliff has eroded before Seth finally fell off.  Everyone remember this little factoid.

But when I was able to lift my head…

…There was nothing there.

Ohh.  Ahh.  What a cliffhanger.

“It feels so empty.  Unless you’re a paramecium, you know that Seth will live.  The author isn’t about to harm her precious Gary Stu Raptor.”

Too right.  Anyway, that’s it for this week!  Join us next week as we finally wrap up this turdy little fic.  Until then, patrons!


16 Comments on “948: Life with Raptors – Chapter Nine”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Very true. If you think about it, every major plot point involves her barging in and killing something while everything else either stands there helplessly or runs away.”

    I am unpleasantly reminded of Sarge from TCTR.

    Although at least in TCTR the bad guys tried to fight back.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “It feels so empty. Unless you’re a paramecium, you know that Seth will live. The author isn’t about to harm her precious Gary Stu Raptor.”

    My only question is whether Seth will be fine, or get Injured in such a way that May the vet will have to nurse him back to health.

    In a battle between laziness and cliches, who will win…..?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    It was brown and a brownish green

    But apparently not actually pure green.

    The author was just being thorough with her optically impossible colors!

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, I would have expected the actual process of “life with raptors” to be violent, and over very quickly.

    Life With Raptors, on the other hand, is incredibly passive and never seems to end.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Then again, it’s nonspecific and not capitalized. Maybe it’s raptor Zeus.

    “May his meat hammer spare your eggs.”

    I think you’re confusing Raptor Zeus’ surging bolt with Raptor Thor’s meat hammer.

  6. GhostCat says:

    *The very form of glitter is pulled across space and time to converge on Taco’s location, coating him in several inches of pure glittery essence.*

    “Never underestimate the power of the sparkly side.”

    I feel unclean.

    :puts on sunglasses:

    Gumdrop will be so jealous.

  7. GhostCat says:

    The ground gave way under the Rex, and, with a loud roar, fell the forty of more feet to the rocky beach below.

    *Gumdrop roars in heartrending grief*



    :blows repeatedly on silent ninja whistle:

    Ishi-sensei, prep the infirmary! Touch those leeches and I’ll drop you where you stand. Tariko-san, I need fifty gallons of hot mulled blood, use Crunchy’s recipe. Yes, with extra whipped cream. No umbrella. Kanai-san, bring blankets and the teddy bear!

    :tosses set of keys to one ninja:

    Shinobi-san, warm up the transporter and get the squad! Grab the front-end loader and all the shovels you can carry. WE HAVE TO SAVE HER!

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