944: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast – Chapters 4 & 5

 

Title: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast
Author: SnowAndIceForever
Media: Movie
Topic:  Rise of the Guardians/Frozen/Beauty and the Beast
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 4
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat 

 

 

 

Y’ello, dear Patrons!

I’m here with the second half of this … multi-fandom pile-up. In the last lump, we made it through the opening prologue of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast and meandered up to the point where Belsa’s father prepares to take his wood-chopping – or in this case, ice-block-chopping – machine to the fair.

:flips through notes:

Wow, one sentence is all I need to condense three chapters. I guess it’s pretty easy to write a summary when the fic’s all plot regurgitation.

To the fic!

Chapter four, titled The Forest, begins exactly where the previous chapter left off – hitching Maximus up to the wagon to tote the machine to the fair.

Elsa attached the carriage that contained the machinery unto Maximus’ reigns. Adgar fixed his old leather hat on his head.

Wait, his name is Adgar and not Maurice? I guess that makes sense; Adgar is the name of Elsa’s father.

Elsa gave the white stallion a gentle pat on the head and an apple for a good start, the horse whinnied happily.

I don’t know much about horses, but I wouldn’t think a stallion would be a good choice here. Aren’t mares or geldings normally used because they are calmer and easier to control?

“Good luck, papa.” She smiled, and then with a crack of the reigns, the horse trotted off.

“Goodbye, papa! Be safe!” Elsa waved goodbye as her father and the carriage started to go out of sight

“Goodbye, Elsa! And take care while I’m gone!” her father bellowed

:waves:

Have fun getting lost and running afoul of the Beast!

Oh, you know that’s what will happen. It just has to.

Maximus led the old man into the forest, or should I say, Maximus took the man to the forest.

Umm, yeah. I think it’s the second thing. “Led” would imply that Max is some kind of guide rather than a mode of transportation.

As the minutes, or hours, practically, passed by, the sky began to grow darker and darker.

:eye-twitch:

So. Many. Commas.

Do I really have to explain the linear progression of time and how it relates to the rotation of the Earth? Do I? Is the concept of night really that difficult?

The beautiful meadows changed to tall grass to beautiful emerald green trees.

Before or after the sky started to darken?

But then, the trees began to grow taller, with less evergreen leaves.

:sigh:

Author, you fail at trees.

The trees stood so high they could barely show the sky, which was nearly dark.

So what you’re saying is that it’s dark under the trees? Or is it because it is nearly night-time?

Maximus sensed something wrong, this wasn’t the right route. The old man had tracked somewhere else, and Maximus felt nervous.

They’ve been on the same road the entire time, haven’t they? They can’t be going to wrong way if there was only one way to go.

“This isn’t right…” Adgar said, observing the old map that he held in his old hand.

:facepalm:

I know this is exactly how it happened in the film and tradition demands that he get lost so he can stumble onto the Beast’s palace, but the whole premise is just very flawed. He’s supposed to be taking this machine to some “fair” but has no idea where it is or how to get there? He doesn’t even have a current map!

And I still want to know how he plans on demonstrating the ice-block-cutting machine when Belsa’s back home and they don’t want anyone to know about her ice powers. Did he invent a freezer as well? Because that would be a much more impressive device in this time period.

Then, they came up against a couple of ‘beware’ and ‘danger’ signs. Maximus huffed nervously as he looked at the 2 paths.

:THWACK!:

No numerals!

There’s two paths in the forest?

:groans:

Great, this is another scene that works better as a visual. Hold on tight, Patrons.

The one on the left was bright, and filled with happy chattering animals such as birds and bunnies.

Which should raise all sorts of alarm bells since it is supposed to be night and thus dark outside.

The right path was dark, spooky, with naked black trees. You could hear nothing but a couple of bats, ready to hunt for the night.

:perks up:

Bats?!? Ooh, where?

You must have amazing hearing to pick up the faint sounds of hunting bats even if the forest is eerily silent for no apparent reason.

Maximus huffed and he headed for the left path, when Adgar changed his direction.

“No, no, this way.” Adgar insisted

Maximus just whinnied softly as he still pushed on continuing to the left path, Adgar still refused.

Listen to the man, Max. The bunnies are evil.

“No, Max, it’s a shortcut.” Adgar said

Which means you are about to get very lost. Those words are never good ones.

(A/N Um, dude, I suggest that you should think twice before you go to that path… 0_0)

:THWACK!:

Do not start on that shit again!

And the massive orgy of visual clues as to which is the ‘good’ path and which is the ‘bad’ one speak for themselves, it’s what makes Adgar’s selection humorous. There’s no need for additional commentary.

Maximus couldn’t help but huff some more and go to the direction of the right path.

I know it’s how the plot is supposed to go, but he’s the horse. He could ignore Adgar’s directives or simply refuse to move if he really doesn’t want to go down the darker path.

As they went deeper into the forest, the surroundings became more and more dark.

You’re going to reach critical mass of darkness soon and either collapse into a black hole or go to the Dark Side. If you do, bring me back a cookie.

You could hear the occasional hoot of an owl, but it was not helping at all.

Hey! Some people like owls, you know? They’re like adorable fluffy pillows filled with homicidal rage and merciless death.

The silence was disturbing as a couple of unhappy crickets chirped.

There is quite a lot of stuff making noise in this forest. I’m not sure you understand what “silence” is, author.

Maximus was surprised that this old man wasn’t scared at all.

Why would he be scared? It’s just a few noises and some spooky trees.

Adgar lit up an old oil lamp, giving a small glow of light.

Well, it’s about time! In case you haven’t noticed, it’s starting to get dark.

Just then, a loud wolf howl was heard. Maximus whinnied as he stepped back, bumping against a tree.

A tree that suddenly sprouted up in the middle of the road between Max and the wagon.

The bats that resided there woke up and began screeching, flapping away.

I thought the bats were hunting? Did they finish and go home to take a nap?

Maximus whinnied in shock as he galloped away, fast.

:pffft!: Pansy.

“Whoa! Easy, Max, easy!” Adgar tried to calm the terrified horse down, but Maximus barely reached up a cliff, with both of them almost falling.

Ummm … I’m not sure what’s going on right now. I think Max might have almost run off a cliff, but I’m not positive.

“Back up! Back up!” Adgar ordered. With every step Maximus took, a rock fell down into the deep dark abyss.

Oh, so it was a cliff! Man, that thing came out of nowhere.

“Easy, steady now.” Adgar tried to calm Maximus down once more, but the horse reeled as more bats came flying against their heads.

Ugh, why must you keep hating on the bats? It’s not like they are deliberately attacking you. If you have a light source that is attracting insects, the bats are going to be attracted to the tasty insects.

Maximus whinnied, then hoofing,

Max is doing what now?

making Adgar fall down, and smashing the lamp in the process. The faint glow of the light was gone and Adgar was now wrapped in the darkness.

He’s lucky he wasn’t set on fire. That was an oil lamp, you know.

“Maximus!” Adgar called, but the horse was already off

Really off, like a lot of things in this fic.

Adgar shuddered as he was left alone in the woods, in the damp, dark, woods.

So sad, poor thing. At least it hasn’t started raining. Yet.

Adgar tried to get up when…

Let’s see…

:flips through Beauty and the Beast screenplay:

Time for the wolves!

Then, he saw it. 2,

:THWACK!:

No numerals!

sharp, yellow keen eyes, locked on him with such intensity. Adgar gasped as the wolf lunged on him, but luckily, he dodged in the nick of time. Adgar stumbled to get up as he saw more wolves jump after him.

Saw that one coming.

You know, author, here is a difference between writing a story “inspired” by another work and straight up plagiarizing the damned thing. There are plenty of little things that you could change, like this wolf attack, and still keep to the general plot of the original.

Adgar ran for as fast as his legs could. The wolves were on his trail, chomping and snapping their teeth in the air, showing the determination they had to get the poor old man.

So the pitiful old man comic relief character is faster than a pack of wolves? They’ve got to be playing with him.

Adgar was terrified, and then he suddenly crashed against a gate, giving it a loud metal clang. Adgar noticed that the latch was open.

:facepalm:

Why even keep a big metal gate closed if you’re not going to lock it?

So he yanked the gate open and got in the nick of time. He shut the wolves behind the gates. One of them had the will to reach in and reach his boot.

:hits wolf with rolled-up newspaper:

No! Bad puppy! No chewing on shoes!

Adgar tried to regulate his breathing; forth he was still in shock.

Still? When did he first go into shock?

He lay there, on the cold gravel ground. He waited for the wolves to go away, but they waited there, snarling and growling at him, waiting for him to come out.

I hope Adgar remembered to lock the gate, or the wolves might jimmy it open and get him.

He knew that there was no way that the wolves would go away.

… Didn’t it just say he was waiting for them to go away? Did he flip that quickly?

He was snapped out of his trance when a peck of cold, water landed on his nose.

:consults screenplay:

Right on time.

Then, the next thing he knew, it was already snowing.

…Wait, what? It’s summer! Why would it be snowing? I mean, it’s probably Jack’s doing, but Adgar doesn’t know that. He should be freaking out at the sight of snow in the middle of summer.

Adgar shuddered as the cold wet substance landed on his body. He then stood up.

No unusual reaction to the snow – none at all. I know Belsa is his daughter, but c’mon!

:points to snow:

This isn’t normal weather for summer!

Turning around, he marveled at the sight of a giant castle. Its walls showed age as vines intertwined against the cracks. Towers cascaded high and low.

It’s amazing he can see that much detail given that it’s night-time, there’s snow coming down, and there are supposed to be these big-ass trees everywhere.

It glowed dark with the dark blue snowy background.

It. Glowed. Dark. The darkness somehow … glowed.

:blinks:

I don’t really know how to respond to that.

The windows were cracked and coated with dust.

He can see frickin’ cracks in the windows and frickin’ dust? Are there lights on inside, is that what the “glowing dark” thing was? Did Adgar bring along a set of night vision goggles?

Several gargoyle ice sculptures were strewn about. A cracked frozen fountain stood in the middle of the courtyard.

Really subtle clues as to the fact that someone here has ice powers.

The windows were dark, showing no intelligence inside.

Huh. Kind of like this fic.

I guess that’s a no to there being any lights on inside, though.

With no other way to go, Adgar headed for the castle.

He doesn’t want to take a look around, maybe see if there’s a cozy little tool shed somewhere?

Once he approached the molten wooden doors, he knocked.

… I’m sorry, the what doors?

The doors themselves opened.

After they cooled, of course. Or maybe they flowed down and formed a puddle of wood on the steps.

Adgar peeked inside, dripping from head to toe.

I thought it was snowing, not raining.

The room was the main room,

This massive castle has only one room?

I cry “BULLSHIT!” upon that! Just from a structural point of view there would have to be some kind of internal supports, like columns or walls, to carry the weight of the whole thing.

columns of ice sculptures of ominous creatures such as dragons, monsters, and gargoyles stood.

Those don’t count, they’re not load-bearing. Also;

:THWACK!:

Dragons and gargoyles are monsters. Technically a “gargoyle” is a carved figure, usually fantastic or grotesque in nature, on a building that may or may not act as a water-spout so I guess a dragon could be a gargoyle as well.

A 2 way stairwell led upstairs.

:THWACK!:

No numerals!

And a stairwell is the shaft that encloses a set of stairs, not the steps themselves, plus all stairs are two-way. This is a double staircase.

A glossy ripped red carpet strode across the room.

It strode? This must be the shinier (and buffer) cousin of Carpet from Aladdin.

Not a single human being in sight.

Just a shiny rug, walking around. Nothing exciting at all.

And one time: it was really, really, cold.

Then why did the snow on him melt so fast that he was soaking wet the second he walked through the door?

And what the bloody hell is up with that sentence? “And one time”? Does that mean it was only cold for a few seconds? Ooh, that’s a sign of a ghostly presence! Or it is according to those ghost-hunting idiots on TV.

Adgar noticed a small table with a lit candlestick and a small bunny shaped grandfather’s clock on top. Adgar closed the doors, taking a few small weary steps.

The lit candles would be a sign of human habitation, unlike lightbulbs it isn’t a good idea to leave a candle burning when you leave the house, plus the light should have been visible from outside if there are any windows nearby.

“Hello…?” his voice echoed throughout the room

:waves:

Hi! Get ready to meet some talking household goods.

He hugged his arms around him, trying to get warmth against the bitter cold.

Of course it’s cold, there’s big towers of carved ice everywhere. Frankly, I’m surprised it isn’t snowing inside.

He looked surprised as he heard a small whisper.

“Old fellow must have lost his way in the woods…” a Russian voice whispered

Oh, hell. North is Lumiere.

“Keep quiet! Maybe he’ll go away.” An Australian voice replied

And Bunny is Cogsworth. Of course, if you haven’t seen Beauty and the Beast, you might think that the castle ghosts were just extremely multicultural.

Adgar looked around, trying to find the source of the voices. “Is someone there…?”

No, dude; you’re just hearing things like a completely audible conversation. You’ve got quite the imagination.

“Not a word, North. Not one word!” another voice echoed through the room

Not to nitpick, but you just said seven words. Add that to the six from earlier and you’ve spoken three more words than North has.

“I don’t mean to intrude, but I’ve lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night or the wolves will devour me.” Adgar said

But if you stay inside you might freeze to death. I don’t really like either of those options.

Meanwhile, North, the candlestick, looked at his fellow companion with huge puppy dog eyes. “Oh Bunny, have a heart.”

Eww, the candlestick has puppy eyes? Gross! That’s something I’d expect from Ishi-sensei.

I guess if there was some kind of description of this thing, like that it has a face, it might not be so creepy.

“Shush, shush, shhhhhh!” Bunny puts his tiny wooden hand over North’s mouth, who promptly proceeds to touch his lit handle at Bunny’s hand, making him wince in pain.

“Ow ow ow ow ow OUCHH!” Bunny wailed

Umm, his hand is made of wood and won’t heal as long as he is under the curse. You just crippled Bunny. For laughs!

“Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here.” North said

Did the author forget that she made Lumiere Russian? Why is he using a French form of address?

Adgar looks around in confusion. “Who said that?” he picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is right in his hand. North taps him on the shoulder. “Over here!” Adgar spins around. “Where?”

North taps him on the side of the head. Adgar looks at him.

“Allo!” North says gleefully

“Oh!” Adgar drops North on the ground in shock. “I-Incredible!”

:sigh:

This is cute in the film, but here it’s just really confusing. Visual gags don’t translate well into written works.

Bunny hops down. “Great, North, now ye done it. Just frickle frackling- aaaaaarrrrrgggghhh!” Adgar picks up Bunny, who tries to struggle out of his grasp

“How is this accomplished?” Adgar fiddles with Bunny.

Please see my comment above.

“Put me down!” Bunny wailed. Adgar tickles the bottom of Bunny’s feet, making him laugh. He winds the spring behind Bunny’s head, twisting his face around with his clock hands.

Ye gods, this is dull to read.

Adgar opens the front of Bunny and he plays with his pendulum.

:THWACK!:

No! Bad touch!

Bunny slams the door with Adgar’s finger in it. “Mate, close that door right now! Do ye mind?”

Oh, so Bunny gets an accent that is (sort of) Australian but North doesn’t get a Russian accent? That’s not fair.

“I beg your pardon, it’s just that I’ve never seen a clock that… aaah… achoo!” Adgar sneezes. He sniffles due to the cold he got from the rain.

I think you mean snow since it was clearly snowing outside and not raining like in the film. Or did you forget about that little change, author?

“Oh, you are soaked to the bone.” North says in sympathy. He then led him in a room with a warm fire at the fireplace. “Come warm yourself at the fireplace.”

There’s a warm fire in this room as well? How are the ice pillars not puddles of water by now? And why didn’t Adgar head immediately for the fire when he walked through the door?

“Thank you.” Adgar says

“No, no, no, ye don’t know what master would do if he finds ye here.” Bunny says frantically

I take back what I said about Bunny’s accent. That’s just … No.

Meanwhile, a figure far above watches the action from an overhead walkway.

So is this castle-thing a factory of some kind? Why is there an overhead walkway? Is there an elaborate lighting system that needs to be serviced?

It’s crystal blue eyes gleaming sharply then storming off as the trio enter the den.

What den? They haven’t gone anywhere! There was only a main room!

“I demand ye to stop right here!” he tries to pull Adgar back but then he fails, tumbling down the steps.

Why does the mysterious figure with blue eyes have the same weird accent as Bunny? That’s who is speaking, right? Adgar, North, and Bunny were all on the ground floor in the main room and Mysterious Figure was above them, so logically the only one going down any stairs would be Mysterious Figure.

Adgar takes a seat at the large chair in front of the fireplace. “Oh no, not the master’s chair.” Bunny whines

:looks around the Void:

Unless you want to pull up one of the ice sculptures there’s not really anywhere else to sit, dude.

A little blue yarned foot stool rushes in, zipping past Bunny. “I’m not seeing this, I’m not seeing this.” Bunny chanted

You sound like Ishi-sensei when I put a bag of marshmallows in the break room toaster to see what would happen. (Lots of burning and I’m not allowed in the break room unsupervised anymore. Also Bifocals yelled at me in German.)

The foot stool rushes to Adgar. “Well, hello there fella.” He says. Foot stool props himself under Adgar’s feet. “What service!”

This would make a lot more sense if the audience knew the footstool was displaying dog-like behaviour. Just running in doesn’t really do that.

“Alright, this has gone far enough. I’m in charge here and-“Bunny was ran over by an enthusiastic cart.

Ugh, more visual humor.

Why would Bunny think he’s in charge? There’s not really a command structure in Rise of the Guardians, but North plays more of a leadership role than Bunny does.

It skidded to Adgar’s side. A shiny mint green teapot with beautiful purple, yellow, and pink highlights designed as feathers as designed. Her handle seemed to be in a form of translucent wings. Several little cups sit by her with the same design.

Wow, real descriptive narration. I guess the author is a fan of Toothiana.

“Would you like a cup of tea, sir? It’ll warm you up in no time. But go easy on the sugar; it’s bad for your teeth.” Tooth the teapot said as she poured some tea in a cup

The Tooth Fairy is a teapot. This is weird, even for a crossover. But I guess I should be grateful the author didn’t make Tooth the Beast’s toothbrush.

“No, no tea! No tea!” Bunny wailed as he lifted himself off the ground

A cup hops in Adgar’s open hand. He then, takes a sip. “Ha ha! His moustache tickles, mama!” the cup said

Mama?

“Oh! Hello!” Adgar said

:waves again:

Dude, you’re one greeting away from spontaneously generating a song.

“Now, Baby Tooth, don’t be too excited or you might spill.” Tooth scolded

Baby Tooth is just a nickname Jack gives her, she isn’t Tooth’s actual daughter.

Just then, the den door swings open, letting a cold gust of wind extinguish North’s fire and the fire from the fireplace.

That’s what happens when you don’t close the front door properly.

Bunny dives under the curtain. Baby Tooth hops off Adgar’s hand and back to the cart where she takes refuge behind her shaking mom. “Uh oh.”

:monotone: Oh, dear. I wonder what this could mean?

Immediately, the temperature goes down and it is freezing.

As opposed to when it was only freezing cold everywhere else except immediately in front of this fire that is possibly in the middle of the room.

A figure’s shadow could be seen, his face is hidden beneath the darkness and his sharp blue eyes could only be seen.

What? You can clearly see what Beast looks like in the film, but the author is continuing this “shrouded in mystery” nonsense?

Oh, hell. I bet she hasn’t decided if she’s going to go with a “beastly” version or the standard Jack.

A deep blue cape fluttered behind him as the wind roared on.

Batman called, he thinks you’re being a total drama queen. He also wants me to stop lurking in the bushes outside stately Wayne Manor. I don’t see either of those things happening, though.

“There’s a stranger here…” a deep, husky voice said that if anyone could hear, it could make them shudder in fright

Sorry, what? That sentence is so muddled I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be afraid of this strange figure or not. And deep, husky voices aren’t scary to some people – I love voices with lower tones. A lot.

And did the author steal Beast’s voice for Jack? Because Chris Pine has a nice voice, but it is by no means deep and husky.

North now relit his flame. “Master, let me explain. You see, the gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet-“

“So he decided to do a little breaking-and-entering, which is why we naturally offered him a snack instead of unleashing the hounds … er, footstools.”

North was cut off by another cold gust of wind, extinguishing his flames once again. North looks down, dejected and guilty.

I do not feel sorry for him. He knew this would happen, but did it anyway. He has no one but himself to blame.

Bunny peeks out from the carpet.

I thought he was hiding behind the curtains?

“Master, I’d like to take this moment to say that I was against this from the start. I tried my bloody best to stop them but-” he was, too, drowned out by another cold gust of wind.

It’s not like there was a lot he could do to physically stop Adgar; Cogsworth’s antics are mostly for comedy relief, which is sorely missing from this version.

Adgar is now trembling. He peeks to one side of the chair, then to the other, then comes face to face with him.

“Who are you?! What are you doing here?!” it growled

Dude, weren’t you listening when the candelabra explained things?

There’s something to add to my Book of Sentences I Never Thought I’d Write.

Adgar whimpered as he scrambled away from the advancing creature. “I was lost in the woods a-and-” his blue eyes seem to glare right through his soul

Pronoun trouble – these characters are both male so those “his”s could be either one of them.

“YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!” The creature shouted

“NOW I’M GOING TO LOCK YOU IN THE BASEMENT SO YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!”

Again; I know it is in the original, but seriously? That’s his answer to this situation?

“I’m sorry….” Adgar says, still terrified as he stared at the creature’s pale face

Is it pale skin, or light-colored fur?

“What are you staring at?!” The creature bellowed

Adgar cowered. “Noth-noth-nothing!” Adgar whimpered

:stares into Void:

I’m with the old man, here.

“So you’ve come to stare at me, eh? To stare at this monster?!” the creature gestured to himself

EWWW! Get it away!

“Please, I meant no harm! I just need a place to stay!” Adgar pleaded

Ooh, bad word choice.

“I’ll give you a place to stay…” The creature growled as he hauled the wailing Adgar away.

See? It makes no sense! He doesn’t want Adgar there, but then turns around and imprisons the poor guy.

North, Bunny, and Tooth look at them, in pity for the poor man.

I have no idea what they are doing. But the chapter’s over so I’m happy!

(Author’s note):

Oh, bugger.

Oooh! Things are getting interesting!

Unless you’ve seen the movie or read any of the numerous written versions of this fairy tale. Then you’re just bored witless.

Anyways, the next chapter will be even more interesting!

Umm-hmmm.

Anywhoozers, got a couple of reviews tahday!

Oh, hell. This is one of those authors who reply to “reviews” with Author’s Notes in their fics. :reads over responses: I’m going to skip most of these, except for two.

ArczyFellow: Thank you! Also, it would depend. For now, I think Jack should be just himself cuz being a hairy beast would be… weird. But, thank you for reading mah story!

She thinks the idea of making the Beast in Beauty and the Beast a hairy monster is weird.

:headdesk:

Why is she even writing this?

Uniquesnowflake: Thanks for reading mah story! Also, I meant it for the lyrics to be wrong so it’ll fit the story. I’ll try to make things unique!

:eye-twitch:

This is not a definition of “unique” that I want to be familiar with.

On to Chapter Five! Which is titled  “Hans(douche)” for reasons I don’t care to speculate on.

Meanwhile, Hans and Gustav stood outside Elsa’s cottage. Gustav was giddy with excitement. Both were dressed in fine garments.

Time for a surprise wedding!

“Hehe, oh boy! Elsa. s going to get the surprise of her life! Huh, Hans?” Gustav said

Oh, she’s not the only one.

“Yeah, this is her lucky day!” Hans said, proud

No snarky little Author’s Note? I’m relieved, yet surprised.

Hans lets go of a branch, which slams into Gustav’s face. Hans turns around to face the wedding guests, who were concealed from Elsa’s view.

Which isn’t all that hard since she’s inside and they are outside.

“I’d like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I gotta go in there and… propose to the girl!” a few guets laugh, while a trio of ladies cry their eyes out.

This is really a terrible town. First they try to set Belsa on fire and now they’re assuming that Belsa will marry this jackass.

Hans turns to Gustav.

“Now, Gustav, when Elsa and I come out of that door-”

“Oh I know!” Gustav turns to the band and plays ‘Here comes the bride’. Hans slams a baritone over his head.

“Not yet!”

“Sorry,” Gustav whispers

Ye gads, more visual humor. This is going to be painful.

And slams a baritone what over Gustav’s head? Saxophone? Singer?

Meanwhile, inside, Elsa sat on her chair, deep in her book. That’s when a knock on the door was heard.

:turns page: Just three more chapters and I’ll get it.

Elsa place her book down and strides towards the door. She reaches up and pulls down a viewing device.

Which is not going to get any more description than “viewing device”, is it?

The surface frosted over at the touch of her ungloved hand.

Just in case you forgot she has ice powers. Funny how she could read that book and nothing happened to it.

She peeks through and sees a very accurate fish eyed view of Hans.

By definition, a “fish eyed view” isn’t very accurate; it’s distorted in a very specific way.

She groans, then puts her gloves on. She opens the door.

Meh. Just leave them off and freeze his ass. It’ll make the fic shorter.

“Hans… what a pleasant… surprise…” she says as the man strode in

Wow, still no Author’s Note? The author’s showing remarkable restraint.

“Isn’t it, though? Aren’t I full of surprises?” Hans strides towards her.

Surprises, clichés, and probably a few STDs.

“You know, Elsa, there’s not a girl in town who wouldn’t love to be in your shoes. This is the day-” he stops by a mirror and licks his teeth clean. “This is the day where your dreams come true.” He continues

:gasp!:

Santa got my letter! I knew he didn’t have time to check that list twice.

“And what do you know about my dreams, hm?” Elsa raises an eyebrow

Well, you did march through town singing about how you want more than a provincial life, so I’m going to guess it has something to do with that.

“Plenty. Here, picture this.” He plops down the chair, takes his boots off, and wiggles his toes through a hole-y sock. “A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting over the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet as the kids play with the dogs.”

Meh. It’s not my idea of bliss but I’m sure there’s someone who would enjoy it. One of those sobbing women outside, for example.

(A\N Well picture this, douchebag, you, tied to a pole, burning while Elsa laughs in the background. That sounds better than your stupid homophobic dream.)

:THWACK!:

First off, that little fantasy of Hanston’s isn’t homophobic; it’s misogynistic, which is something completely different. Please use the appropriate terms in your hate speech.

And what, specifically, has he done so far that would rate the Jeanne d’Arc treatment? Both Hans and Gaston do so pretty terrible things in their respective source materials over the course of their character arcs, but in this fic Hanston is guilty of being an overbearing jerk and little else.

Elsa’s face scrunches up in disgust, then it turns into anger, she feels the fingertips of her gloves go cold.

Ooh, a sliver of suspense! It’s probably going to be wasted, but I am ever hopeful.

Hans moves his face near her.

How? He’s sitting in a chair by the fire.

“We’ll have 6 or 7.” He says

“Dogs?” Elsa asks

“No,Elsa. Strappin boys, like me!”

This is actually clever dialogue; too bad it’s all plagiarized from the film.

(A\N Was it me or that sounded wrong…? 0_o)

:THWACK!:

No, it’s just you.

“Imagine that…” Elsa places a mark on her book and puts in on the shelf

Wait, did she just write on her book? That is not how you treat literature, young lady!

“And guess who that wife is…?” Hans asks

Let’s see; you’re dressed in your best clothes, barge into Belsa’s house, and start blathering about your perfect wife. Not really hard to connect the dots here.

“Let me think…” Elsa could see where this was going, and she was getting angrier by the minute

“You! Elsa…” he cornered her

“Hans… I-I don’t know what to say…” she ducked under his arms

:headdesk:

:THWACK!:

He never got out of his chair! How can he corner her if he has never moved?

Hans pushes the chairs and furniture away until he reaches Elsa and traps her against the door. Say you’ll marry me…” he growls

Okay, he has officially crossed the line; now you can advocate setting him on fire – but just a light scorching to teach him some manners.

Elsa secretly fumbles for the doorknob. “I’m sorry Hans… I-I just don’t deserve you…” she grasps the doorknob and turns it.

Brace yourselves for more daybook slapstick, Patrons.

She ducks as Hans tumbles out, then he lands in the mud with his feet sticking out. She throws his boots out. The band plays ‘Here comes the bride’. Hans’ face surfaces with a very undelighted pig on top of his head.

:yawns:

His face was twisted in a scorn scowl.

I am not familiar with that particular facial expression, but at least he didn’t smirk.

Gustav sees Hans’ unappealing situation and stops the band.

“So…how’d it go?” He asked

He’s not on fire or frozen into a human popsicle, so I’d say he’s really coming out ahead so far.

Hans grabs him by the collar. “I’ll have Elsa for my wife, even if it’s the last thing I do…” he growls

Then he stomps away.

:waves:

Bye, jerkass! See you the next time we need a clichéd villain to advance the plot!

Inside, Elsa was fuming mad as she stomped to the back of their house and went to the animal shed. She let out a few icicles here and there, just to let her anger out.

:headdesk:

I know Belle would get this angry at Hanston, but this is supposed to be Elsa! This early in her character arc Elsa should be all about control and restraint. If she flew off the handle like that, half of France would be in a new Ice Age. And I sure hope there weren’t any animals in the animal shed (which most people would call a barn) or they just got skewered.

She turned to the chickens.

As one is wont to do in times of personal crisis.

“Can you believe it? He asked me to marry him!

I don’t think there was any asking involved, he just told her she was going to be his wife. Asking her would mean he cared about her opinion.

Me! To be the wife of that stupid, brainless…” she takes her frustration out by singing.

Also as one is wont to do in times of personal crisis.

Shinobi-san, would you be a dear and ask Moukin-neesan to load the pie launcher with Herr’s special pies? Arigatou.

“Madame Hans, can’t you just see it?

Madame Hans, his little wife.”

She kicks a bucket in frustration.

 :eye-twitch:

I am also feeling very frustrated, but for different reasons. If no one minds, I’m going to go ahead and cut the next few verses because they offer nothing of interest to anyone.

There’s a free tip for you, author; if you can completely remove a scene or bit of dialogue and it does not affect the rest of the work, then you never needed it in the first place. Truthfully I like most Disney songs, I’m actually listening to the Mulan soundtrack while I work on this, but there is just no good way to replicate a musical number in a written work.

She rolls on the ground. She let s a glove slip off her hand and she created small snowflakes on the palm of her hand.

:headdesk:

She was just so out of control that dangerous icicles shot out of her hands, and now she’s controlled enough to make a few little snowflakes? Could you at least try to be consistent with her OOC power use?

Belsa finished the last verse and lets the snowflakes drift away – where they should immediately melt, since it is summer time – and then suddenly (and possibly from behind)…

A horse whiny snapped herself out of dreamland.

I wonder who that whiny horse (who just woke herself up from a dream) could be? And why should I care about a daydreaming mare? Shouldn’t Max be showing up right about now?

She turned her head and saw Maximus running towards her, scared and worried.

Dear, you’re laying on the ground. If you turn your head all you would see is grass or maybe dirt.

Elsa found a pint of nervousness because she saw that her father was not with him.

Looks like someone’s been raiding Crunchy’s fridge. He keeps the pints of nervousness right beside the gallons of fear and those tiny vials of give-a-damn that we run out of so frequently.

That’s the end of the chapter, Patrons – and the end of the fic!  (So far.)

(Author’s note):

Aww, man! I thought this chapter was over!

Hello there my beautiful muffins!

I don’t know if I like being called cupcake’s homely cousin.

Sorry if I didn’t update for a while.

That makes one of us.

I got a bit sick, I’m still sick actually.

And I should care … Why?

This is personal information that you should put in you bio page, author; it doesn’t belong in a fic. This is a work of fiction, not a blog post. These fics stay up for years; it won’t matter in the long run that you didn’t meet whatever self-imposed posting schedule you might be following now. If this information isn’t relevant to the fic in some way, then it shouldn’t be here.

ALSO, IMPORTANT QUESTION!

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Honestly, I don’t know what Jack should look like as a beast.

HA!

:fist-pump:

I frickin’ knew it! WOO!

… Awww, I just made myself sad.

SO IT’S UP TO YOU MY BEAUTIFUL MUFFINS.

Please stop calling me that. I find it creepy. Wait, what?

QUESTION: WILL JACK BE A HAIRY BIG FOOT OR JUST HIS NORMAL SELF? Decide in the Reviews section!

:headdesk:

So not only does the author no know what Jack should look like, but she doesn’t even want to make a vital decision – the appearance of a main character – herself?

:THWACK!:

No. This is not acceptable. Have you done any work at all for this fic, author? The plot, settings, characters, even the dialogue are all stolen from Disney; the only original contribution has been to change Lefou’s name to Gustav and I’m halfway convinced that the only reason that was changed is because you forgot what his name is. That is a massive amount of work that you are just skipping right over, and you still can’t even be bothered to do something as vital as choosing what a character looks like? That’s something you should decide before you write a single word.

ArczyFellow: Thanks! So, hereis a new chap for you while I patiently wait for your reviews while I eat a whole cake.

Is that what made you sick? Because most people don’t eat entire cakes.

Rose Phantom Frost: Thank you for liking my story! On the part on what Jack will look like… hm, *looks at story script* welp, I have no frickin idea on what but I will! In the meantime, here, have a virtual cookie. :3

You have a “story script”? Is that what you’re calling the screenplay? Because I think you’re missing some pieces.

TheForgottenPrincess: Thank you! *hugs* and don’t worry, I will never forget you! *lols at the irony*

Irony? I’ve got to see this.

:goes to the reviews:

And here it is;

You have a good solid start. This story will definitely be a good one. Can’t wait to read more. Update soon please!

Huh. If the author means the accepted definition of irony, the use of words expressing something other than their literal intention, then yes. That review is very ironic.

TPATFan16: Hakuna your tatas, my friend. Here is da new chapter! Have a delicious muffin! *hands you muffin* :)

Shameless Girl: Thank you! :D *gives you muffin* actually, I haven’t watched BATB since I was a…Wee little toddler

She calls her fans muffins and then hands muffins out to those same fans? That’s like, cannibalism.

And she hasn’t watched the movie she’s based this fic on since she was little?

:headdesk:

I must say, her memory for dialogue is pretty good if that’s the case.

The rest of the reviews are fairly dull, duller than those, so I’ll skip them and end things for the day. The fic is still active, but this is the end for now. See you next time with another fic!

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63 Comments on “944: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast – Chapters 4 & 5”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Elsa attached the carriage that contained the machinery unto Maximus’ reigns.

    And Elsa just broke the horse’s neck. Congratulations, people!

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I don’t know much about horses, but I wouldn’t think a stallion would be a good choice here. Aren’t mares or geldings normally used because they are calmer and easier to control?

    By Disney movie logic, I think they were using a stallion in this case, considering how Maximus was in Tangled.

    By actual real world logic, I think they use both. Though, that’s probably the case more in Europe. Trust me, I had the pleasure of being at the Palio in Sienna one year (you know, the famous horse race that goes on? It’s featured in a scene in Quantum of Solace, IIRC), and one of the stallions there got particularly… *ahem*… excited at the starting line around one of the other riders’ mares…

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The beautiful meadows changed to tall grass to beautiful emerald green trees.

    *frown*

    Wait, when did Belle’s father ride by the Emerald City?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Bats?!? Ooh, where?

    *BAM*

    Down, Ghostie. Kevin Conroy is nowhere in sight.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (A/N Um, dude, I suggest that you should think twice before you go to that path… 0_0)

    *headdesk*

    Okay, author, you know DVDs that come with a commentary track are, right? And you know how the commentary track is often its own separate featurette?

    *BAM*

    Maybe there’s a reason for that!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You know, author, here is a difference between writing a story “inspired” by another work and straight up plagiarizing the damned thing.

    Let’s just hope it’s not like EP all over again…

    • GhostCat says:

      What gets me is that this is Beauty and the Beast; there are probably hundreds of versions of this particular fairy tale in the world. It’s an established plotline with a defined series of events; it isn’t all that hard to follow a template like that to create an original work.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hell, even the Disney version strayed pretty far from the Cocteau film in a lot (and I mean a lot) of ways, and that was the film that inspired the whole visual style of the Disney version!

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So the pitiful old man comic relief character is faster than a pack of wolves? They’ve got to be playing with him.

    Well, Elsa’s father looks a lot more physically fit than Maurice, so that I can actually buy.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    molten wooden doors

    What!?

    • GhostCat says:

      I have no idea. A lot of the word choice errors look like autocorrect mistakes and I can kind of figure out what they should be, but I haven’t a clue what that word was originally supposed to be.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It’s just…

        *headdesk*

        I suppose we should avoid a national park in the near future, right? With all those trees there…

      • GhostCat says:

        Would make logging much easier; just get a really big Shop-Vac and head out into the forest.

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:

        ‘Mottled’ maybe? I dunno, closest thing I can think of off the top of my head.

        And I just realized that I don’t even know exactly what the word means… kinda like a lot of the fancy words I think of when writing…

        You ever get those moments when you’re searching for a specific word, you think you found it, it sounds in the given context based off of a few other places where you’ve seen it, but you’re not quite sure what it really means and you ashamedly go off to Google it and make sure you’re not fucking up by using it?

        Mottled… right, marked with spots or smears of color… that could work, maybe?

      • GhostCat says:

        I was kind of leaning towards “broken” because it sounds similar, but I couldn’t figure out how you could misspell broken and get molten.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It strode? This must be the shinier (and buffer) cousin of Carpet from Aladdin.

    Can’t be. It’s very glossy, it has to be the camp gay cousin of the Carpet.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Eww, the candlestick has puppy eyes? Gross! That’s something I’d expect from Ishi-sensei.

    *frown*

    Ishi has been spending too much time around Goeth, I see…

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The Tooth Fairy is a teapot. This is weird, even for a crossover. But I guess I should be grateful the author didn’t make Tooth the Beast’s toothbrush.

    Well, Ghostie, much like the Tooth Fairy was the token female of the Guardians, so too was Mrs. Potts. Also, the Tooth Fairy had all those little servants of hers that did stuff.

    So there you go.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He also wants me to stop lurking in the bushes outside stately Wayne Manor.

    Um…

    Nope. Not even gonna dignify that with a reply.

    • Ishi says:

      One had been curious as to why Ghostcat-sama wished to learn the Way of Shadows from the clan. If she has been discovered so easily then her technique requires practice.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Because Chris Pine has a nice voice, but it is by no means deep and husky.

    Exhibit A, if you don’t mind:

  14. The Crowbar says:

    *The Crowbar stumbles into the viewing room with bleeding eyes and ears, and half his bones sticking out of his body*

    I just got through a wrestling match with a Ceph Pinger, what’d I miss?

    (A/N Um, dude, I suggest that you should think twice before you go to that path… 0_0)

    …Oh…

    *Somehow manages to straighten his back*

    Time to fuck you up.

    • Ishi says:

      *picks vertebrae up off of the floor and discreetly places them in pocket*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ishi! Put the vertebrae down!

      • The Crowbar says:

        Ey’!

        *Rips the vertebrae out of Ishi’s pocket and starts beating him with it*

        No stealing my spine!

      • The Crowbar says:

        (A\N Well picture this, douchebag, you, tied to a pole, burning while Elsa laughs in the background. That sounds better than your stupid homophobic dream.)

        *Pushed Ishi away and lunges at the monitor with a snarl*

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, I meant it for the lyrics to be wrong so it’ll fit the story.

    *twitch*

    *twitch*

    You meant for the lyrics to be wrong!?

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

    Well, I suppose it’s a good thing you’re not being hired to do lyrics professionally. A sentence like this would’ve ensured you’d be laughed out of Stephen Sondheim’s house.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Hans slams a baritone over his head.

    Bryn Terfel just called. He wants you to pay the medical bills for the head injury he sustained due to your actions, Hans.

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (A\N Well picture this, douchebag, you, tied to a pole, burning while Elsa laughs in the background. That sounds better than your stupid homophobic dream.)

    *double take*

    Homophobic!?

    *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

    Really? Author, do you even know what homophobia is? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure you don’t, if you’re calling Gaston’s fantasy homophobic! You know, despite the fact that it makes no reference to homosexuality at all!

    *headdesk*

    Jesus Christ with a side of tuna nigiri, what even is this!?

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Madame Hans, can’t you just see it?

    Madame Hans, his little wife.”

    *BAM*

    That’s for the melismas that ruin the scansion, author.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Elsa attached the carriage that contained the machinery unto Maximus’ reigns.

    Elsa is very not good at horse.

  20. infinity421 says:

    I don’t know much about horses, but I wouldn’t think a stallion would be a good choice here. Aren’t mares or geldings normally used because they are calmer and easier to control?

    I’m not sure on that. Over here on this rain-swept, sodden little island, I see mares and stallions used – although I haven’t seen any horses down by my way in ages. And given how well-behaved the Lipizzaner Stallions were during my family’s trip to Austria last year, it seems it may mainly come down to training – although like you I know very little about horses beyond the basics and a couple of breeds, so I’m probably wrong in some way.

  21. TacoMagic says:

    You’re going to reach critical mass of darkness soon and either collapse into a black hole or go to the Dark Side. If you do, bring me back a cookie.

    *Walks into the lobby holding a warm basket overflowing with cookies*

    Crunchy sends this with his love. Something about a welcome basket for all new recruits. Honestly, I think he and Gumdrop were just looking for an excuse to spend the morning baking.

  22. leobracer says:

    *Punches the Wall*

    Another one of those stupid ass arthurs who ask for people to give them suggestions in their reviews?!

    *Punches the wall again*

    When will these people ever learn?!

  23. Kaitlyn_412 says:

    Yeah, the author did create some mistakes here and there.

    But have you ever wondered that… what if the author of this very story stumbles upon this? And then finds out that his/her story is classified as ‘bad’? He/She would probably feel… well, um, bad.

    I mean, if I was the author of this story I’d feel bad if I read this.

    No offense.

    I’m glad I didn’t make a story.

    Mine would probably be in this website on the ‘top 10 worst stories to ever exist’ list, if there was such thing.

    I find this website kinda funny.

    Just tone down the snarky remarks down a little.

    • leobracer says:

      Some of the snarkers have their own stories snarked here.

      They mostly do it just for shits and giggles.

      And some, but not all of the authors who find this place mostly find the snarkings done to their fics to be funny.

      Just look up the author endorsements.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You forget the time I snarked my own old shame for everyone here. I gave myself the same exact treatment as I gave everyone else, maybe even went a little overboard ’cause I know I can take it.

      But you do have to remember this: a lot of the time around here, we tend to exaggerate our feelings. Granted, there are times where we are legitimately angry at something (and it does happen more often than I’d like to admit it does), but generally the snark is exaggerated.

      Some of the authors we’ve snarked have actually gotten the joke, though.

    • GhostCat says:

      We have had several authors find their fics here in the Library, and for the most part accepted the criticism with grace and good humor.

      The authors of many of the fics that wind up here ask for reviews – they even beg for them and hold their chapters hostage until they get a certain number of them in some cases. That’s what we do here; review fics. We give very in-depth and critical reviews; I do tend to try to make my riffs humorous so that they are entertaining to read, but all of the problems I point out are real issues. I’m not the kind of person to pat someone on the head and say “Good job, special little snowflake!” just to spare their feelings. We put a lot of time and effort into these riffs, often doing the research the author couldn’t be bothered to do when they originally wrote them.


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