942: Life with Raptors – Chapter Eight

Title: Life with Raptors
Author:   AwesomeHunter77
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre:  Humor/Drama
URL: Life with Raptors
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hello and welcome back to Life with Raptors, the Jurassic Park fic that’s lean on the Jurassic Park and heavy on the Edward Cullen Raptor Expy.  As usual, sitting co-pilot is Eliza.  Say hello, Eliza.

“Hello.”

You ruined the joke.

“Yes I did.”

Last time May and Seth had their falling out.  It’s basically the same one that Rae and Sorin have, but for a different reason this time.  Once again, the Tree-Cave makes its appearance, but this time without Josh or a rampaging Tyrannosaurus.  May spends some time doing some ‘survival,’ if that is what you can call that mess of incompetence we were treated to.

Oh, and Seth also has a PCC brand Prophetic Dream of Foreshadowing™.  And that was pretty much it.

This week… well… I’ll just let the chapter title speak for itself:

Chapter 8: Danger! Warning! Doom is near!

*Facepalm* *Headdesk* *Bodywall*

Are you fucking kidding me!?  Come clean, author, you have no idea how the very basics of fictional writing work, do you?  Concepts like tension, scene building, plot, consistency, world building, and continuity are just those things that other authors do aren’t they?  You’re basically just fucking around with writing because, “Oh! Lizard bestiality is just so fucking hawt!” aren’t you!?  AREN’T YOU!?

*Eliza cocks the glitter accelerator*

“Down, monkey.”

May’s POV

“Forsooth!”

*Eliza fires the glitter accelerator*

ECH!  My mouth was open and everything!

I had been able to survive a while on my own, but I noticed that, slowly but surely, another storm was creeping up on Isla Nublar.

“You’ll just have to take her word for that, since showing her learning how to survive is very hard and requires actually writing it.”

What the heck do those two thoughts have to do with each other?  Why the dependent conjunction?  Is the storm somehow spiritually linked to her survival efforts?  If she’d have failed and died, would it have sated the god of thunder and he would have spared the island?

I was spending a lot of time preparing for the storm, gathering a lot of wood and grass until it took up a third of the hollow, the rest was fish and compys.

Once again, don’t expect to see how any of that happened.  Just trust that she did it.  Also trust that she learned how to hunt small dinosaurs, even though it seems incredibly unlikely.

“So, where is she going to stay?”

Pardon?

“She filled a third of the hollow with wood and grass and the rest with dead fish and Compsognathus.  Where is she going to stay?”

Maybe at the visitor center?

“That would be too much to hope for, I think.”

I managed to find a weakness in the compys, they were heavy sleepers and woke about the same time.

Riiiiiiight.

“PCC brand Compsognathus:  They just lie there while you kill them!  Gluten free!”

I was lucky that they weren’t poisonous like Dilophosaurus, or couldn’t be eaten.

Why in the name of crap would you even consider hunting a Dilophosaurus?  Sure, in the real world they weren’t very nasty, but the Jurassic Park canonical Dilophosaurus were able to spit poisonous tar up to fifty feet.  You don’t mess with that if you don’t have to.  It’s just insane to use as a comparison  here.

I also found a parasaurolophus carcass. (Killed by the T-Rex)

*GONG*

SHOW US THAT IN THE NARRATION, IDIOT!

I skinned a large portion of it that fit over my shelter entrance and found some vines in the forest.

“I would like to remind everyone that there are no fewer than five major facilities on the island.  Some of which would still have power due to the island running off of autonomous geo-thermal plants.”

Now, now, I’m sure her tree-cave with rotting-skin door is lovely.

Using wood I sharpened into stakes, I managed to hammer the stakes into the tree with the vines wrapped around.

Homework assignment for everyone!  Get a chunk of wood and whittle it into a stake.  Now drive that stake into a tree using a rock.  Finally, do it several times.

After you do that, ask yourself if there isn’t a better way to attach a vine to a tree.

There were two wrapped around two of the tree’s roots that stuck out, so that all I had to do was untie them to get in and out.

“This description is so good it’s like I’m actually there looking at it!”

I know!  You have the two wrapped around the two tree roots!  And they’re tied!

And, unless the storm destroyed the tree, it SHOULDN’T be destroyed, one could hope.

Pronoun confusion, you’re doing it right.

I also made a bed out of some grass that wasn’t suitable for the fire, I’d be comfortable, warm, and safe if all went according to plan.

“Wait, she has a plan!?”

Of course she does!  Just don’t expect the author to show it.

But since when does that happen?

“Why are you asking us?”

Yeah, we’re not really that bright.  I mean, we are reading Life with Raptors after all.

Seth’s POV

“Opa!”

*Another round of accelerated glitter*

Stop trying to turn me into a vampire.

“Spoil sport.”

I spent all the spare time I had looking for my human, searching the whole territory for a sign of her.

Dude, you’re a top-tier predator hunting an incompetent monkey living in a tree-cave.  If you spent more than a few hours searching, you fail as a raptor.

The rest was spent worrying about my pack, there was a storm coming, and, between the yellow things and large, brown things with a crest that pointed backwards on their head, we had a hard time catching lunch.

“Not to mention the other things.”

The blue things or the gray things?

“The beige things.  You remember those.  They were the ones with the stuff.”

Oh, right!  How could I forget about the stuff!?

We finally got lucky when e found a carcass of one of the large animals.

Worst. Raptors.  Ever.

“Yeah, at least Sorin’s crew could actually bring down game on their own.”

“Looks like the green creature got this thing.” I examined as I looked at the chunk missing from it’s back.

“Well, if green thing is good at anything, it’s bringing down things.”

“And…I think your human did too.” Ellie said, looking at the side of the dead animal.

Wait, all she harvested was the skin? Jeez, what a newb.

I leapt up where she was and gazed at the place where a patch of skin had been cut off, and, unless that T-Rex was handier than his arms showed, Ellie was right.

“Obviously he’s never seen Gumdrop in the kitchen.”

He’s magic with a Santoku knife.

“That means…” Lily said, but I finished for her.

“…she could still be alive…”

We’re as surprised as you are.

No longer hungry due to excitement, I began to sniff around. My human’s scent was still here, but stale and fading.

“May’s been wandering around gathering wood, grass, fish, and Compsognathus for undisclosed period of time.  How have you not picked up her scent before now?”

I let my pack feed while I followed the trail. The rule applied if I was still hungry.

This is why nobody respects your rules: they are incredibly fickle.  Likely, you’re more of a joke leader of the pack than a real one.  The idiot brother that everyone humors so he doesn’t throw a tantrum.

It took a day to find my human because the trail was breaking up and hard to retrace, and by now my pack was at the nests.

You really need to do some research, author.  The island is only six miles across at it’s widest port.  There is nowhere on the island that would take a whole day to get to.  It’d be a stretch to find a place that took longer than half a day to get to.  And in this case, this was a corpse that May stumbled across while wandering around.  I find it HIGHLY unlikely that she’d be ranging more than a mile in any direction.  She won’t even try to see if the visitors center has anything useful, so there’s no way she’d be adventurous enough to go very far form her hole.

And then…Success.

“Simultaneously… Apathy.”

I smelled smoke, meat, and my human, strong, and nearby.

“I completely forgot about May using fire.  How was Seth unable to smell the smoke of the fire?  He should be able to pick that up from anywhere on the island.”

Worst raptor.  Ever.

I followed my nose until I came to a tree with a skin in front of it.

It was the one from the carcass.

I bet the tree-cave smells awesome.

“Don’t tell Gumdrop, he might try to roll in it.”

I began to nose at it, making hissing and growling sounds as it only slightly budge, but did not move aside.

I growled and leapt into it, tearing it and landing…into a fire.

YES!

“Burn, baby, burn!”

I screeched and ran out into the open again, my tail smoking from the fire.

“Awww.  He’s still alive.”

I was suddenly tackled and felt something fabric-like being patted onto my tail until it was sore from the burns.

Keep pummeling him!

“If he’s moving,  he’s still on fire!”

I was let up and I turned to see my human, confused, surprised, scared, and happy seemed to etch her expression somehow.

I’m always filled with ambivalent jubilation after thrashing something.

“Less talk, more pummeling!”

I just screeched with joy and leapt on her, nuzzling her.

Mind the claws, jackass!

May’s POV

“Unleash the nano-glitter!”

Was something supposed to happen?

“It did; you have been glittered on a molecular level.  It’s in your cells!”

I was happier not knowing that.

Like I said, nothing ever goes to plan.

“It’s been ten whole lines since you last typed that.  No need for the refresher, we remember.”

I was sitting, waiting for the storm, I had some distilled water, I found some cup like leaves and two forked sticks that stood above my fire.

Where in the name of crap did you get distilled water!?

“She couldn’t remember how to boil water to cleanse it, so she built a distillery instead.”

I got water from the river and the heat killed the bacteria and seemed to dissolve the dirt.

Oh… my… gods….  Author, how can you possibly fail so much in just one little sentence?  It boggles the mind.  I just… just can’t…  …  can’t…

“Are you okay, Taco.”

I think I need to sit down.  The stupid has become too thick, I’m feeling faint.

“You are already sitting.”

…  Good.  *Passes out*

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

And then, there was growling and hissing.

“Don’t look at us, we were only booing and jeering.”

*NudgesTaco*

“Juuuust fine.”

I looked at the entrance of my shelter, frozen in fear, before I grabbed the stick I used to hammer the stakes in with and waited.

“As opposed to the pointed stick or knife.  Good jerb.”

There was a loud growl and suddenly, the skin that acted as my door was in a scaley mess, while something landed in my fire.

“Getting  to see everything twice finally pays off.  We get to revel in Seth being on fire again!”

It screeched and ran out into the open again, it’s tail on fire.

“It is as it ever was: tail on fire.  Its the knew gramer.”

It was the alpha.

“Is that supposed to be a revelation?  We know, you already told us about this scene.  I can still see it right there.”  *Points*

I ran out and tackled him while he ran around in circles and screeched, using one of my towels to pat the fire out.

When I got up, he turned to look at me.

He seemed happy, because he tackled me and began to nuzzle me.

“Nothing new here.  What else do you have, author?”

And that’s when we heard that familiar call.

“And with that the chapter proper ends.  But, you are all in luck.  We have an author’s note!”

(What call could it be? What is the danger? What will happen next?

“Obviously something that cannot provide its own tension.”

You’ll never find out!

“Oddly enough, I’m okay with that.  Feel free to end the fic here.  I’ll even keep the celebration down to only three days out of respect for your decision.”

 Or you’ll find out when I post the next chapter.

“You’re such a tease, author.  So many promises of ending our suffering but no delivery.”

Shorter than the last chapter somehow.

“That does tend to happen when writing with only half of your posterior.”

But Wordpad doesn’t show me the number of words.

“Which is an irrelevant metric when writing compelling fiction.  The fact that it matters to you is very telling of where you are as a writer.  I believe ‘square 0’ is the term.”

Please bear with me until I can get Microsoft Word on my laptop.)

“Oh good.  Now we can expect the same lack of content, but with more words.  Hurray!”

“And with that, this week’s installment comes to an end.”

*Shakes Taco*

“I’m sure he’ll be perfectly fine.  Until next week, patrons!”

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21 Comments on “942: Life with Raptors – Chapter Eight”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Now, now, I’m sure her tree-cave with rotting-skin door is lovely.

    Not to mention it’s filled with a dead dinosaur and fish. “I bet the tree-cave smells awesome.” does not begin to cover it.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Looks like the green creature got this thing.” I examined as I looked at the chunk missing from it’s back.

    “Well, if green thing is good at anything, it’s bringing down things.”

    Did it piss off the Hulk?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    I was sitting, waiting for the storm, I had some distilled water, I found some cup like leaves and two forked sticks that stood above my fire.

    As opposed to getting jugs and jugs of distilled water from the lab

    For that matter, May just mentions cup-like leaves and forked sticks to hold them up. Is she really just heating the water and not having anything to catch the vapor?

  4. GhostCat says:

    Edward Cullen Raptor Expy

    :grabs forehead:

    THE IMAGES! THEY BURN!

  5. GhostCat says:

    … but I noticed that, slowly but surely, another storm was creeping up on Isla Nublar.

    How, with the Doppler radar station she keeps in her pocket? Tropical storms move fast, unless she has access to weather reports she probably would have only a few hours warning before it hit.

  6. GhostCat says:

    I skinned a large portion of it that fit over my shelter entrance …

    She’s using a fresh, untanned and uncured hide as a door? Ugh.

  7. GhostCat says:

    Homework assignment for everyone! Get a chunk of wood and whittle it into a stake. Now drive that stake into a tree using a rock.

    :sigh: Fine. That doesn’t seem too hard.

    :gets out pencil sharpener and sharpens several pencils:

    What? You didn’t say how to do it.

    :takes pencils outside and hammers them into a tree:

    Technically steel is made from rocks.

  8. GhostCat says:

    I got water from the river and the heat killed the bacteria and seemed to dissolve the dirt.

    :blinks:

    This is new. An author who doesn’t understand how dirt works.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Or you’ll find out when I post the next chapter.

    “You’re such a tease, author. So many promises of ending our suffering but no delivery.”

    Or you’ll find out when I post the next chapter.

    “That does tend to happen when writing with only half of your posterior.”

    Either Taco done goofed or the author is due a visit from the DRD.

  10. GhostCat says:

    But Wordpad doesn’t show me the number of words.

    “Which is an irrelevant metric when writing compelling fiction. The fact that it matters to you is very telling of where you are as a writer. I believe ‘square 0′ is the term.”

    For some reason that completely baffles me, badfic authors are under the impression that word count and the number of “reviews” they receive are the best way to judge how well they write.


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