937: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast – Chapters 1-3


Title: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast
Author: SnowAndIceForever
Media: Movie
Topic:  Rise of the Guardians/Frozen/Beauty and the Beast
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat 




Salutations, my Patrons!

I’m here with a first for the Library; a crossover between Frozen and Rise of the Guardians! I’m kind of surprised we haven’t had more fics from this crossover fandom because it is gigantic. There’s even this massive multi-crossover fandom called something like “Rise of the Brave Tangled Frozen Dragons” that mashes together not only these two but also Tangled, the How to Train your Dragon series, and Brave. 

A. K. A. – The Big Five

There are variations on this, blending together pretty much ever CGI film out there, but this seems to be one of the most popular clumpings. The main thing these fics have in common is that they are usually AUs, sometimes very whack-ass AUs, with characters from different canons drifting in and out at random. This fic is labeled as a Jelsa (Jack/Elsa) romance, so chances are only characters from those two will show up – but you never know with this particular multi-fandom.

To the fic!

The Snow Girl and the Ice Beast

Ch1- Prologue

So already there’s some confusion as to what the title of the fic is, and whether this is the first chapter or a prologue. :eye-twitch: Fantastic.

Long ago, in a faraway land, a mighty castle stood atop a mountain.

A castle that no one used due to the many logistical issues related to building a structure in such an inaccessible location.

Resides there, is a young prince.

You really need to re-think that word order, as well as all the life choices that led you to this point.

Although he had everything he desired, the prince was spoiled and unkind.

What a shock – indulging someone’s every whim can make them a spoiled brat. It’s not like that isn’t going to be a recipe for disaster.

Exhibit A: this smug-ass poster boy for the dangers of twincest

His heart was cold as ice, with nothing in for others but for the content of himself.

All he wants is to be content? Talk about setting the bar low. His heart should be moderately cool at best.

But then, one cold and snowy night, an old beggar softly knocked on his palace doors. And offered him a single, red, rose in exchange for refuge against the bitter cold.

The spoiled, selfish prince who cares only about his own comfort answered his own door during a snowstorm? I’m not buying that.

Barraged against the woman’s haggard appearance, the prince refused the gift and turned the old woman away.

:takes out dictionary:

bar·rage; verb – past tense: barraged; past participle: barraged
To bombard (someone) with something.

:hits author with dictionary:

I don’t know what word you were looking for, but that wasn’t it.

The woman, warned him to not be deceived by people’s appearances, and beauty is found in within.

Oh, gods – the commas! :sprays random pesticides around: They’ve started multiplying!

Forth some things cannot be seen by the naked eye….

Like microbes, deities, Pluto’s moons, atoms, the center of the sun…

But when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness peeled away like a mask.

Ewww! That really doesn’t help your case, Grandma.

Then, a goddess stood before him, with beauty as radiant as the moon.

That seems out-of-place given what I know of these source materials.

The prince tried his best to apologize. But it was already far too late…

See, this is why I’d be terrible in a fairy tale world. I’d end up back-sassing the wrong person and live out the rest of my life as a tree or something.

She had introduced herself as the Moon, and she had seen that there was no love seen inside him.

Well, in the source materials the moon is symbolized by a man – specifically this man;

In the books, this is what the Man in the Moon looks like.

This goddess is a luminous crossdresser.

And as punishment, she transformed him into a creature, with a power as cold as his heart and an ability too uncontrollable even for himself.

On one hand, he’s been turned into a terrible monster. On the other hand, he now has this awesome ability. If Nameless Prince really is as self-centered and greedy as he is supposed to be, then he would be coming out ahead in this.

And she set a spell on the castle, which lies in an isolated peak of a snowy mountain.

And what, pray tell, is this spell she place on the castle? Does the audience get any details about that?

Ashamed of his uncontrollable ability, the prince concealed himself in his castle, with a magic snow globe, which was his only window to the outside world.

There’s a magical snow globe?!? Do we get to hear about that?

And the rose, she had offered, was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom till his 21st year.

AND a magic rose? Bloody hell, are we going to learn about any of this stuff?

:pokes fic with Mr. Crowbar:

Make with the exposition!

If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return before the last petal falls, the spell would be broken.

If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast….


But he’d have the awesome power, and the Nameless Prince doesn’t seem to care for the company of others, so I’m still not seeing the downside here.

(Author’s Note)

Oh, crapballs.

Hello there!

:reluctantly waves:

So, this is a new story I’ve made.

I wouldn’t really call it new; it sounds awfully familiar to me for some reason. Also; introductions typically go in front of the text they introduce.

The main pairing of this story is Jelsa.


Full disclosure – I am a major Jelsa shipper, which is odd since I usually prefer canon couples to fanon pairings. :waves tiny Jelsa flag: They are just so perfect for each other!

And this just follows the original story of Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’.

Really? I hadn’t noticed!

I don’t own the corresponding movies and the characters.


I only own OC’s, if I do have those.

Wait a second – if?!? You mean you don’t know if there will be any original characters in this fic? But that would mean you haven’t … finished …

Wait a second.

:checks fic:

Oh, hell. The fic is still active. That means the author is still in the process of writing it!

Thank you for reading, the more you review the more I update.

Ummm, no. You should never hold your work hostage for reviews. That isn’t how the process works.

Anyways, see you in the next chapter!

Which will be … right now!

Ch2- Meet Elsa

Show of hands – who thinks Elsa will be Belle?

SENSEI! :throws radish at Ishi: Put down the basket of hands! You only get one vote.

Elsa stretched out across her bed, groaning as the morning rays shone across her face through her small wooden window.

Windows are not wooden; that’s either a door or possibly the wall.

She noticed that her bad was cold and stiff again, then realization kicks her square in the gut.

Did she die during the night? Because a bed (or bad) freezing isn’t normal.

She slid across the slippery surface that was once her bed. She huffed as she observed the shiny, ice covered bed of hers.

Even if she has ice powers, how did she manage to sleep in a bed and not wind up encapsulated? Wouldn’t the blankets over her trap her once they froze? She can’t freeze herself but she can be affected by things that have frozen. Did she sleep on top of the covers?

She could control her powers, though, but sometimes dreams can be just so good you get a little too carried away with the story.

Ummm… Does that mean what I think it means?

Guess I should be a little more careful with sleeping, she thought, chuckling to herself

It’s not the sleeping that’s the problem; you need to control your nocturnal emissions, sweet pea.

Elsa stood in front of her mirror, trying her best to straighten back her platinum bed hair with a comb.

She’s just like; “Oh, well! I froze the bed again. Better go fix my hair now.” That’s really out of character for Elsa; she obsesses about concealing all traces of her ice powers, at least at first.

Then after, she arranged it in a delicate French braid then stuck a blue head band in for good measure.

Wow, I’m impressed. I’ve never managed to do a French braid on myself, the few times I’ve tried it didn’t end well. And where in the braid is she sticking that head band? Those usually go over your hair across the crown of your head.

She looked back at herself in the mirror, her crystal blue eyes gazing back at her, showing curiousness and determination.

:digs through purse:

I’ve got some drops that will clear that right up; they came from Ishi-sensei but he assures me that they contain no more than thirteen percent leech juice.

After straightening back her blue dress and slipping on her gloves,

She’s only now putting on her gloves?

This doesn’t feel right at all; either she’s trying to conceal her abilities or she has accepted them and doesn’t care who knows she has them. Elsa doesn’t really have a middle ground in this regard.

she grabbed her woven basket and started heading for the door.

As opposed to picking up her carved basket or her sewn basket.

Her father stood by the kitchen sink, washing the morning dishes.

Wait – Elsa just woke up and got out of bed. Her father made and ate a meal, and even started washing up – and she didn’t hear him moving around or smell anything cooking?

Why wouldn’t he have woken her up? She probably has chores or responsibilities; it’s not like she can lounge in bed all day just because she had the poor sense to stay up late the night before and is now suffering from a book hangover.

“Why, where are you going, dear?” her father asked, softly

Grandma’s house. Have you seen her red cape anywhere?

“I’m going to the town library, father.” She smiled

“Again? It’s the 2nd time this week.” Her father chuckled

:snorts: Amateur. 

“You know me, papa, I never get tired of that place.” She said as she tied her apron around her waist

There’s hope for you yet, dear.

“Well, be safe darling. And remember, don’t let them know.” Her father said

You say that, but she doesn’t have nearly the same high level of anxiety that Elsa should be experiencing if she is trying to hide her powers from the world.

Elsa waved goodbye and bounded down her house’s porch steps, she gripped her basket tighter while smiling brightly as the morning sun rays shone across her face and body.

She’s awfully chipper for someone who’s mantra has been “conceal, don’t feel” for years.

She inhaled a puff of air. She liked winter mostly, since it was the element of her power, but summer could be nice too.

I don’t … What is going on?

She smiled as her bird friends flew near her, chirping happily.

Are some mice going to scamper up and offer to make her a party dress?

She held out a hand and one bird tenderly pecked at it.


What the ever-loving hell have you done to Elsa?!? If she’s still concealing her powers then she shouldn’t be comfortable touching anything, least of all a living bird, even with her gloves on!

As she headed to the town, she tucked a strand of hair behind her hair.

:alarm blares:

Sweet! I just got the Xenodoken Gun back from the shop! Back in a moment, Patrons!


:dials cell phone:

Hey, Crunchy. Today’s passcode? “Porcupines are the other white meat.” Mmm-hmm. No, you can’t pick out tomorrow’s passcode. Because you always pick the same one. Well, come up with something more original than “All hail Darth Crunchy, Dark Master of All” and we’ll see. Listen, is Bifocals busy? Wow, really? I didn’t think you could do that with a Jolly Rancher. Oh, it’s Sour Apple. Okay, can you give Bifocals a message for me then? Tell her I appreciate the upgrades, but using a cutting laser for the sights is a bit much. No, I want to keep the faux fur holster. Okay, thanks.

:hangs up:

Sorry, I’m having some technical issues. Continue!

And she began to sing.

Oh, crapcakes!

:blows silent ninja whistle:

It’s a songfic! I need sedative pies delivered to Herr at once! Don’t let Eliza deliver them!

Little town, it’s a quiet village.

Every day, like the one before.”


And it’s plot regurgitation on top of that. This is “Belle” also known as “Bonjour”, the song that introduces Belle in the film. Here’s what the original looks like;


Birds chirped as she sang softly, every creature, human or animal, liked her voice.

Because she’s not just any Sue – she’s a double Disney Sue! Although she seems to be mostly Belle at this point with just a sprinkle of Elsa thrown in for flavor.

She crossed the small stone bridge and into Arendelle.


This is the best aerial image I could find of the bridge.

You have a very different definition of “small” than I do.

The next bit covers Belsa saying hello to everyone and running into the baker, I’m going to skip over it since the original is better. The only difference is that Belsa tells everyone who asks that she’s going to the library rather than the book shop; that change actually makes sense since a book shop that lets you borrow books without paying for them is essentially a lending library.

And then we come to the part I’m sure Herr will love – the author starts changing the lyrics to (kinda) fit Belsa.

Look there she goes the girl is strange, no question.

Why is she always wearing gloves?

And I always wonder why,

Whenever she walks by,

A cold premonition passes from her to I

It is certain she is a funny girl indeed.

Scansion? What’s that?

You can see that subtle foreshadowing is not the author’s strong suit. The fic continues on for a bit more and then gets to the portion where more villagers join in. This is a recipe for confusion.

Elsa chuckles as she passes a woman who tries to desperately reach the chicken man while carrying her infants.

I’m tempted to list “chicken man” as my job title the next time I have to fill in a form.

I need… six eggs!

That’s too expensive!”

In the original these lines are spoken by two different characters, here it looks as if only one is speaking and it isn’t even clear if it’s the chicken man or the desperate egg woman.

Ooh! :writes down “desperate egg woman”: Never hurts to have a backup.

Elsa looks at the poor couple, pitying them when they have so many children. Elsa sings on.

There must be more than this provincial life!”

Keep your sanctimony to yourself, honey.

Elsa reaches the library and she hops off the carriage. She opens the door and it rings. The old librarian greets her. It’s obvious that she’s been here many times already.

Well, duh. The audience knows she’s been there at least twice within the week due to the conversation she had with her father.

The scene between the bookseller (or in this case, librarian) and Belsa is once again mostly plot regurgitation, as is the fountain scene where Belsa reads and sings to sheep, so I’m going to skip over most of it and just hit the high points. There is something odd that’s worth pointing out; Belsa sees some men watching her through the shop window, one even winks at her, and this makes her scowl as “this has happened far too much already.” This is out of character for both Belle and Elsa.

The descriptive text between the verses is also getting less and less … well, descriptive as it goes on.

Elsa dangerously walks while reading. Men villagers help her get to safety.

:facepalm: This isn’t narration, it’s barely stage directions.

We always tried her to look,

But she’s always stuck in a book.

Guess that’s just the plain old weirdo Elsa.”

“Weirdo”? Really? You muck about with the scansion of the song and that’s the best you could do?

I kind of have a sneaking suspicion that the author didn’t look up the actual lyrics and just wrote them out from memory or wrote them out as she listened to the song. Many words are either wrong or missing completely.

Belsa finally gets to the fountain, where she interacts with the sheep in the most minimally described way possible before moving on to another verse.

Elsa walks off, past a boutique shop where a petite bald woman tries on several wigs.

Did we watch the same film? Because that lady was not petite.

Now it’s no wonder that her name means beauty.

Her looks have got no parallel.

No, it doesn’t. Elsa means either “oath of God” or “God is satisfaction”, according to several Google searches I’ve done. Of all the verses the author changed, why didn’t she change this one?

But behind that patter sot,

I’m afraid she’s rather cot,

…Yeah, the author’s transcribing the verses herself rather than looking them up. It should be “fair façade” and “rather odd”.

Everyone sings a chorus about how different Belsa is, and then there’s a character introduction!

Meanwhile, a couple of gunshots were heard and a flying goose falls down like an aircraft with a broken engine.

Sorry, the goose isn’t going to be the character introduced. You’ll wish it was, though.

It lands on the ground with a plop. Gustav places it innocently in the brown bag.

Not him, either. I don’t know who “Gustav” is, that name doesn’t show up in either source material. If this is who I think it is, his name should be Lefou.

“Wow, you didn’t miss a shot, Hans! You’re the greatest hunter in the whole world!” Gustav said as he ran towards Hans.

Guess who’s going to be the villain? Go on, guess.

He’s this really bulky guy with ginger hair and sideburns. He’s known around the village as one of the dreamiest of all.

Gee, he does sound super-dreamy – in a sort of vague, Nameless Void kind of way. I’m sure he’s totes to die for.

Hans proudly blows the smoke off his gun. “That I am.” He smirks

:takes roll of bolt-tape out of drawer:

I am really tempted to turn Taco loose on you, but where would the fun be in that?

:tosses roll to Shinobi-san:

Remember – you have to leave an air hole! Last time he passed out and it was all I could do to keep Gumdrop from giving him mouth-to-mouth.

Gustav guffaws. “No beast alive stands a chance against you!” he follows Hans off into the village. “And no girl for that matter.”

Ah, irony. What a vindictive bitch you are.

“It’s true, and I’ve got my sight set on that one.” He points to Elsa with his gun.


Never ever point a weapon at someone unless you intend to shoot them! All guns are loaded, baka.

Gustav looks at him in disbelief. “The inventor’s daughter?”

Apparently, if that’s what she is. There hasn’t really been any information given about Belsa’s father other than he can wash dishes.

“She’s the one, the lucky girl I’m going to marry!” Hans says, proud. (A/N Quite unlucky, I should say. -_-)


No Author’s Notes in the body of the fic! Especially not some smarmy aside to the audience. You’re the narrator – put it in the narration!

“But she’s-” Gustav was dropped to the ground

He was? From where? And by who?

“The most beautiful girl in town!” Hans continues

“I don’t know, but-” Gustav gets clonked on the face with Hans’ gun

Slapstick’s really only funny in a visual sense; vague, ill-defined slapstick is almost worse than no action at all.

“She’s only for the best!” Hans continues. He grabs Gustav by the collar. “And don’t I, deserve the best?” he snarls

“O-Of course! I-I mean-”

Hans drops him. Then he sings.

Why is Gustav singing? I thought this was Hanston’s piece?

Right from the moment where I met her, saw her,

I said she’s gorgeous and I fell.

Ooh, love triangle! Gustav and Hanston both want Belsa!

In the town, it’s only she

Who is beautiful as me. (A/N OH HELL NAW! :()


Ugh. This is going to be a thing, isn’t it?

Look, I obviously don’t have a problem making sarcastic little remarks about a work, but the author shouldn’t be riffing their own fic. If you don’t like a character, write a really terrible death for them or make other characters treat them badly or use a narrator to make fun of them. Show the audience that you don’t like him, instead of just telling us! You should never break the narrative flow just to bitch and moan about your characters – save that shit for when you’re talking to your friends.

So I’m making plans to woo and marry her.”

Hans looks around, desperately trying to find Elsa, who now was wandering off into the village.

She’s not really all that hard to spot, and it’s not like he doesn’t know where she’s going.

Meanwhile, trios of girls admire Hans’ looks from afar.

Look there, he goes,

Isn’t he dreamy?

Monsieur, Hans,


I think I’ll just skip over the rest of the girls’ verses.

Hans tries to reach Elsa while trying to dodge the busy villagers that were greeting each other all the while.


Good day!”

Ohayou, Mysterious Voice #1 and #2! I’m sure we’ll learn all about your hopes and dreams in the half a second you’re in this fic.

“Excuse me! Please let me pass!” Hans says as he tries to reach Elsa, who was completely clueless as she sings with arms wide open.

Yay, that means the “music” portion is almost over!

There must be more than this provincial life!”

Hans was still struggling to pass through the villagers.

Guess what? I’m going to make Elsa my wife!” Hans sings proudly

The villagers all sing in sync.


Just stop it already! THIS DOES NOT WORK! It will never work. You cannot have characters bursting out in song in a written work!

The villagers call Belsa a weirdo again, and then we move on to one of the best scenes from the film.

“Bonjour, Hans.” She says, still in the phase of reading her book. Hans reaches and grabs her book. Elsa’s face scrunches up in annoyance. “Hans, give me back my book, please.” she says, grabbing for it

“How can you read this crap? There’s no pictures in it.” He says, observing the book from side to side


This is getting painful.

“Language, Hans. And, some people don’t need pictures. They just use their imagination.” She reasons

Everything’s better with imagination! :makes rainbow gesture:

Hans sighs. “Elsa, it’s time for you to get your head out of those books and pay attention to more important matter.” Hans tosses the book away and it lands on the mud.

:makes different gesture:

Elsa grabs for it, mortified, hoping that it could still be okay. “Like me,” he smirks. The girls nearby swoon.

:tosses a second roll of bolt-tape to Shinobi-san:

Better add another layer just to be safe. Hanston’s probably not finished yet.

(A/N *raises middle finger up* F*** you lover boy!)


That is so unnecessary! We get it, he’s being an asshole, you don’t have to add any additional commentary!

“The whole town’s talking about it; it’s not right for a woman to read. Then she starts to get ideas, and thinking.” Hans shudders. (A/N Mainly because you don’t think, in general. Geez, why do I hate him so much?)




I do not give a flying freckled fuck if you like him or not!


You are the author! Have you never heard of objectivity?

And which “him” are you hating right now? Gaston the misogynistic ass, or Hans the manipulative douche? Because so far this is just Gaston wearing a Hans name tag.

“So, you’re saying that we women are meant to be stupid?” Elsa raises an eyebrow as she cleans the cover of the book (A/N Go beat his little ass, girl!)


Seriously, these are things you should think in your head, not stick into your fic. If you really want to make catty remarks about Hanston and root for Belsa, then create a first-person narrator to do it.

Hans sighs, once more. “See? This is the root of reading. You become wittier.

:tilts head sideways:

Bwa? That’s not how it goes.

You know what, how about we go take a walk into my tavern and look at my collection of trophies…?”

Do you have anything in a Beach Volleyball Pro-Am? One of Gumdrop’s has gone missing.

he guides her away, Elsa refuses.

“Um, maybe some other time.” She says, the girls nearby gasp in shock

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s crazy!”

“He’s gorgeous….”

So you keep telling me, but I’ve yet to see it.

“Please, Hans, I have to get home and help my father, goodbye.” Elsa reasons

With his inventing and … dishwashing. Does he do anything else?

Gustav magically appears beside Hans. He guffaws. “That crazy old dude, he needs all the help he could get!” He and Hans both laugh(A/N Yeah, like you don’t. -_-)


Pot, this is kettle. Have you met?

“Don’t talk about my father like that!” Elsa scold

“Yeah, don’t talk about her father like that!” Hans smacks him upside the head

:smacks everyone upside the head:

I was just feeling left out.

“My father is not crazy! He’s a genius!” Elsa says proudly.

Cue comedic explosion in three… Two… One…

Just then, a puff of black smoke emits from Elsa’s house not far away.

Well, that was anti-climatic. You must need the services of a good chimney sweep.

Elsa gasps and head back right away, ready to help her father.

With what A little puff of smoke? It’s not like there was an explosion are anything, not like in the film.

Hans and Gustav just kept on laughing.

Hanston stopped laughing and then struck Gustav to make him stop, so they can’t keep laughing without starting to laugh again.

(Author’s Note)


Bloody hell.

Geez, I may have a big dose of ‘good at witty comeback’ pills today.

Maybe you should have taken one, then.

Oh well, I may have updated too fast, you know? I just wanted to. *shrugs* anyways, hope you like the chapter! See you soon!

In a previous chapter the author claimed she wouldn’t update without reviews, but now she thinks she may have updated too soon?


I really don’t think you understand how writing works, sweetheart.

On to the last chapter for today, which is titled “Papa” for some reason. I assume it will address the modest puff of smoke that came out of Belsa’s house.

Elsa hurried towards the old grassy path towards her house,

:alarms blare:

Let’s see if I can turn off these sights … There! I think that did it.

Pardon me a moment, Patrons.


…So, apparently that button increases the power of the laser instead of turning it off. Good to know.

trying hard to ignore the loud guffaws of Hans and Gustav, the long grass tickling her legs as she scurried to reach her house.

Is this the same path she took to get to the town? If she and others use it daily, why is there grass growing on it?

Once she did, the house was smoking from the cellar.

Filthy habit. Belsa should look into getting the patch for her house to help it quit.

She opened the wooden cellar doors only to be greeted by thick puffs of smoke. She coughed and wheezed her lungs out.


This smoke smells funny. And why do I suddenly have a craving for Doritos?

:holds up hands:

Hey, have you ever really looked at your hands before? They’re squishy and solid at the same time, like a pink Three Musketeers bar turned inside out. :flexes fingers: Do you think you’d ever be able to do jazz-hands so forcefully that your fingers would fly off? :opens arms wide: I just love everyone, so much! :falls backwards on to floor: Gravity just gave me a hug!



Well, that was embarrassing. Luckily the clan installed an industrial-strength exhaust system after Tariko-san’s ill-fated “Double Scorpion Night” experiment. I told her it was a bad idea to use Scorpion peppers to flavor real scorpions even if the raptors love both kinds.

“Papa?” she weakly called as she coughed some more. She opened the cellar doors to its maximum capacity to let the smoke out. Once the thickness had faded away, she climbed in.

Watch out for dragons!

I know there aren’t any in the source materials, but like I said – unexpected characters have a way of popping up in these crossovers.

“Papa?” she called as she searched through the foggy cellar

It’s smoke, not fog – and it really should have cleared by now. Something might still be on fire.

“Right here, sweetheart.” A voice called out, she looked around and saw her father, head first into a brown barrel. Elsa couldn’t help but slightly giggle at her father’s funny position.

Ha-ha! He might be seriously injured!

“Darling, could you stop laughing and maybe help me out of this?” his father’s voice echoed inside the barrel.

Why does he need help? Is he stuck? Without a physical description of him, I can’t really say if he’s fat, lazy, or too badly injured to get out himself.

Elsa made an effort to grab her father’s stout legs and pull him out. She pulled him out and he stumbled right into a wall.

Great job there, sport.

Her father coughed. “How on earth did that happen?” he coughed

I would assume there had been an accidental generation of high temperatures and the sudden release of gases that created a force wave that knocked you on your ass. But that’s just a theory.

“Are you alright, papa?” she asked as she looked around, her father’s knick knacks and tools decorated the walls. The new invention her father was working on stood in the middle.

…Did you just call his gear “knick-knacks”? You are so lucky Bifocals can’t hear you. Although some of her gear did start out as knick-knacks. That China Doll Gun is frickin’ terrifying.

“I-I’m fine, but not because of this hunk of a junk.” Her father gave a half-hearted kick at the machinery

Elsa chuckled. “You always say that, papa.”

That’s probably a good indication that this thing is dangerous and should be dismantled.

“I mean it this time, and I swear I couldn’t get this bone headed contraption to work!” her father huffed angrily as he wiped his sweaty forehead with a rag

What exactly is this formless thing supposed to do? It hasn’t been described at all so I haven’t a clue as to what its purpose is.

“Yes you will, and you will win the 1st prize in the fair tomorrow.” Elsa smiled. Her father huffed unconvincingly as he crossed his arms.

Ooh, that’s the man-sign for “encourage me”! Or possibly “give me a hamburger.” The nuances are subtle.

“AND, you’ll become the world’s famous inventor!” she added

Stroke that ego, girl!

Her father glanced at her.

“You really believe that?” he smiled

“I always have.” She smiled

Well, I’m a big believer in using correct punctuation; something you don’t seem to be a fan of.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” her father twirled excitedly. “I’ll have this thing working in no time!” he marched over to the collapsed machine, then crawling under it.

That was a pretty abrupt face-heel-turn. It’s like he just needed her to validate him.

Setting his stethoscopes on his eyes, “Eh, Elsa? Could you get the wrench? The new one?”

If you’re putting stethoscopes on your eyes, then you are using them wrong. Very, very wrong.

Elsa went over to her father’s toolbox, then grabbing the conjured wrench. “So, did you have a good time at the town today?” her father hollered

She conjured a wrench? From where? He didn’t ask her to do that, he wanted the “new” one. And any wrench she made would be ice and therefore not very sturdy.

“I got a new book.” She said flatly

And you’re really excited about it, aren’t you? You’ve already read it several times, though, so it’s not really a “new” book. It is a recently acquired book.

“Um, papa, do you think I’m…. I don’t know, weird?” she asked as she handed him the wrench

I don’t think you should ask a man with stethoscopes on his eyes that question.

“My daughter? Weird?” her father asked as he crawled out. His big, microscopic eyes looking at her in disbelief.

He has big, microscopic eyes … Wha?


Eyes don’t work like that!

He scoffed. “When did you get an idea about that?”

Well, there was this long musical number with everyone in town…

“I don’t know, pa. It’s just that, just…. I feel like I don’t belong.” Her gaze goes to the window, trailing the birds that live in peace and harmony.

Ah, the eternal lament of the Disney Princess; “Poor me, my life is dreadfully dull and I don’t fit in! I wish that something exciting would happen to me!” Unfortunately for the Princess, that “something exciting” is usually either has to do with a guy or a plot device like having to save China or accidentally turning your mother into a bear.

“Why? Is it because of your powers?” her father screwed a bolt in place

Perceptive, aren’t you? Although the townspeople think she’s odd because she likes to read, so maybe that’s a bigger problem for her than her ice powers.

“I don’t know, papa. It’s just that… why do I have to keep my powers a secret? I-I could make people happy with them, just like what I did to Anna. I could-“

Assuming events similar to the film have occurred, Belsa created snow for her little sister to play in, froze her sister’s brain and nearly killed her, and then froze her sister’s heart and definitely killed her. Oh, and she froze the entire kingdom, destroyed a bunch of stuff including several large ships, and nearly killed some men – but she did make a really nice ice palace and make an ice rink. Overall, Elsa’s ice powers have been shown to be more destructive than constructive.

“Yeah, darling, but the townspeople saw that.

Which part? Or did they see something completely different? I’m gonna need some exposition here, fic.

They thought you were a witch and tried to burn you at a stake,

That’s actually a good way to deal with an evil ice sorceress, as long as she doesn’t dump a bunch of snow on the fire or shoot ice-spikes at the townspeople to prevent them from lighting it.

I had the trolls to erase their memories of you having powers.”

All of them? That seems excessive.

Her father relived the horrible memory.

Care to share that horrible memory with the rest of the Library? I’d love to have some idea of what’s going on.

“Darling, I’m sorry if I had you concealed due to your powers. But this is for your own good; I can’t have them hurt you again.”

But she isn’t concealed; she just walked through town singing lead on an up-tempo musical number. The townspeople actually single her out as being the “weirdo” who doesn’t fit in. And was she actually set on fire at some point? By these particular townspeople? Even with the memory erasure, there should have been physical evidence left behind. Why didn’t they move? That’s really the only way to insure that this particular group of “them” don’t hurt her again.

Elsa sighed. “It’s alright, pa. I just hope that someone out there feels the same, and then I wouldn’t be so alone anymore. There’s no one I could really talk to.” She leaned against the window sill.

:hugs Belsa:

I’m here for you, girl! But why can’t you talk to you father, or your sister, or the trolls, or make yourself a snowman friend to chat with? I mean, other than giving you an excuse to bond with Jack over your shared abilities whenever he shows up.

I’ve answered my own question, haven’t I?

“Well, how about that Hans guy? He seems to be a handsome fella.” her father hollered

:grits teeth: So they keep telling me.

“He’s handsome, alright. And rude, and conceited, and unkind and so full of himself and-“Elsa blabbered on

:looks around:

What no, catty little Author’s Note agreeing with Belsa?

Her father chuckled. “Darling, it’s understandable that you don’t like him. But you don’t have to say everything bad about him.”


Dude, if you know he’s an asshole, why did you suggest him to Belsa? That was a dick move, man.

Elsa sighed. “But pa, he’s not for me.”

Because you are meant for greater things; a handsome prince, a magical castle, and that kickass library…

:sighs longingly:

Some girls dream of princes, and Beast was pretty cute before he turned back into the generic Prince Adam,  but I really wanted that library.

“Eh, it’s alright dear. You’ll find someone out there soon, don’t worry.” Her father said, then he crawled out.

Probably by the end of the fic!

“I think that’s done it. Let’s see if it works. Dear, could you make the prop test for me?”

Can she do the what now?

Elsa nodded as she slipped her gloves off. With a wave of her hand, she created a block of thick ice.

Why does his invention require a block of ice? And how would he be able to demonstrate this machine without blowing her secret?

With a pull of a leer,


the machine started smoking, doing its work.

First the house and now the machine? Is this an episode of Mad Men? Everyone is smoking now!

Elsa and her father had their fingers crossed, hoping for the best.

:crosses fingers:

Here’s hoping the thing does whatever it is that it is supposed to do without blowing up.

After a while, the axe that was connected to the machinery swung down, chopping the ice in half.

Hey, there’s finally some description of the machine! It has an axe attached to it… somewhere. That’s supposed to chop the block of ice in half.

Why does the world need this invention? I get that it’s supposed to be the wood-chopping invention from the film, but replacing the log with a block of ice just makes it weird.

Not that it needs help.

Then making it bounce to the other end of the room along with the other blocks of chopped ice.

Wait a second, there are multiple blocks of ice? When did she make those? Belsa woke up after sleeping for an unknown period, went immediately to town, and just now returned. It’s summer time according to the fic; that ice should be a puddle.

“It works!” Elsa exclaimed

“It does?” her father asked, flabbergasted. Then jumping in joy. “It works!”

Yay! A thing did something!

“You did it, papa!” Elsa said, as she ducked from a flying block of ice. “You really did it!”

Where the flippin’ heck did that block of ice come from?!?

“Hitch up Maximus, Elsa.

HA! This is the horse from Tangled! See, I told you characters from the other films have a tendency to work their way into these crossovers.

I’m going off to the fair!” her father announced, just in time for him to get knocked out by a flying block of ice.

Seriously, where is all this ice coming from? Elsa didn’t make it, so who did?

(Author’s Note): Hello! So yeah, got a couple of reviews here!

Great, the author responds to reviews in the chapters. I think I’ll skip most of them, but there is one that catches my eye.

The Golden Sun: Thank you! *bows* Yep, everybody hates them already and it’s not even the 4th chapter. :/

Just a guess – they are talking about Hanston and Gustav. I don’t really see why “everyone” would hate them just based on what’s in the fic so far, since they’ve just been jerks. The majority of the interactions are straight plot regurgitation from Beauty and the Beast and are so vague that if I hadn’t just watched the original I wouldn’t have a clue what was going on. The only real “hate” the character could be garnering is dislike for Gaston (and possibly Hans) due to the reader being familiar with the source materials and knowing what is going to happen. That’s not the way to write a character.

Until next time, dear Patrons!


92 Comments on “937: The Snow Beauty and the Ice Beast – Chapters 1-3”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    There are variations on this, blending together pretty much ever CGI film out there, but this seems to be one of the most popular clumpings.

    I’ve even encountered this setting of Your Fault/Last Midnight that takes Frozen, Rise of the Guardians, Tangled, and The Lorax (yes, The Lorax) and put them all together:

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    But then, one cold and snowy night, an old beggar softly knocked on his palace doors. And offered him a single, red, rose in exchange for refuge against the bitter cold.

    Dude, if I just wanted Parallel Realities-style plot regurgitation, I’d just read PR again. I don’t know why I’d ever want to reread that drivel again, but hey, whatever.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That seems out-of-place given what I know of these source materials.

    Dude, Ghostie, does it really matter? It’s just vomiting out the opening narration of Beauty and the Beast!


  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Make with the exposition!

    Ghostie, he’s trying to regurgitate the opening narration: of course he’s not gonna think beyond the fact that there was also a good deal of visual storytelling involved in that prologue!

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And this just follows the original story of Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’.

    “Follows”? More like “blatantly rips off”, am I right?

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Grandma’s house. Have you seen her red cape anywhere?


    Ah, there it is! She’s in the wrong story!

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I need sedative pies delivered to Herr at once! Don’t let Eliza deliver them!

    Ghostie, you’re not gonna let it be a–

    Oh. Huh, it’s a plot regurgitation of stuff.

    LEMME AT ‘E–

    *is pied*

    Ah, fuck, when did the habañero pepper get in there!? Aaaaaaaah!

    *runs out of the room*

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Why is she always wearing gloves?

    And I always wonder why,

    Whenever she walks by,

    A cold premonition passes from her to I

    It is certain she is a funny girl indeed.


    Okay, author, let’s get started.

    First of all, count out the number of syllables in “premonition”. Okay, you done that? If you’re wondering why that line seems so long, IT’S BECAUSE IT IS!

    Two, really? Did you not remember the rhyme scheme? Seriously, tell me what universe exists in which “gloves” rhymes with “indeed”. Oh wait, that’s right, those two words rhyme in no universe.

    Third of all, really? You added an extra line? I mean, I know the original song itself added a couple of lines to the chorus at various times, but that was there to increase tension for the eventual cadence, not to mention that those added lines were an extension on the line that came before it! (“Cause she really is a funny girl/A beauty but a funny girl/She really is a funny girl, that Belle!”) So what the fuck are you doing with that extra line?


    Jesus Christ, I swear these people are making Oscar Hammerstein II roll in his grave…

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I kind of have a sneaking suspicion that the author didn’t look up the actual lyrics and just wrote them out from memory or wrote them out as she listened to the song. Many words are either wrong or missing completely.

    Well, too bad for him: years of having seen my disabled brother watch the damn thing on repeat means that I only have to check the lyrics every once in a while to know when the author’s fucking up the scansion, and even then that’s just to double-check.

    A.K.A.: I know this movie, almost like the back of my hand. And I’m gonna put that to good use.

    *rubs hands together*

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “We always tried her to look,

    But she’s always stuck in a book.

    Guess that’s just the plain old weirdo Elsa.


    Oh God, here we go again.

    1) Without looking up the lyrics, I could tell you that the only way to get the last line to work with any kind of good scansion is to fit “Guess that’s” into two sixteenth notes, and then to do a melisma on “El”. I don’t know if you’ve ever sang that much, but doing any kind of melisma on a short ‘e’ sound is uncomfortable no matter how short.

    2) “We always tried her to look”? I tried fitting that in to the scansion of the original song and found myself lost for words. The only way that’d work is if you parsed out the rhythm in a similar way as the “with her head stuck in a book” line from the original (I.E., a triplet rhythm on “stuck in a”), and even that’s not guaranteed.

    3) On top of that, what the fuck does “we always tried her to look” even mean!? If it doesn’t make any sense, then it doesn’t belong in the song!


    Great, this is gonna drive me into a song-based rage that’s worse than My Little Necromorphs, isn’t it?

    • Silky says:

      “We always tried her to look” has to be the worst line I’ve ever seen in a song. Or, imitation song. Even if you arranged the words in the most sensible way possible (“we always tried to look her”), it’s still missing a. Have you ever looked somebody? Don’t look me- I’m just as confused as the rest of you.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Now it’s no wonder that her name means beauty.

    Her looks have got no parallel.

    Well, author, the character’s name isn’t “Belle” anymore, now, is it? So that doesn’t even make any sense with what’s going on with the drama!

    But behind that patter sot,

    I’m afraid she’s rather cot,

    What the fu–



    Author! Just… stop right now. Stop, go over to Google, and look up “Belle Lyrics”. It takes two seconds to come up with this search result:



    What the fuck is even a “patter sot”? Is it some kind of riff on a Gilbert and Sullivan patter song? And why would the barber compare her to a piece of furniture!? None of this makes ANY sense!

  12. TacoMagic says:

    Oh, gods – the commas! :sprays random pesticides around: They’ve started multiplying!

    Don’t spray the commas! Those are the hardest thing to keep stocked in the spare punctuation box.

    If nothing else, just hold this fic over one of Insane Doctor’s and give it a few shakes.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “She’s the one, the lucky girl I’m going to marry!” Hans says, proud. (A/N Quite unlucky, I should say. -_-)

    The only ones unlucky here are the people who have to put up with this drivel. I just… ugh!


    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      (A/N OH HELL NAW! :()

      Shut up, author!


      Jesus, we’re only on the second chapter and already I’ve had to say that? What the fuck, dude?

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If you don’t like a character, write a really terrible death for them or make other characters treat them badly or use a narrator to make fun of them. Show the audience that you don’t like him, instead of just telling us! You should never break the narrative flow just to bitch and moan about your characters – save that shit for when you’re talking to your friends.

    Um, Ghostie, you remember that we got Subject 23 the last time an author took your advice on that, right?

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So I’m making plans to woo and marry her.

    “Her” does not rhyme with “fell”, author.


    Jeez, there’s a reason most lyricists take years to master their craft…

    • Silky says:

      Okay, I’ve got this.

      “She’s the chips to my salsa…
      So I’m making plans to woo and marry Elsa.”

      The scan-thing doesn’t really work, but at least it sort of rhymes and isn’t an obvious stand-in for Belle?

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Look there, he goes,

    Isn’t he dreamy?

    Monsieur, Hans,


    Author, when I’m thinking Beauty and the Beast, I don’t want to be suddenly thinking of the way Strauss sets Jochanaan. After all, that then leads me to this:

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Guess what? I’m going to make Elsa my wife!”


    Scansion, motherfucker! Have you heard of it!?

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (A/N Mainly because you don’t think, in general. Geez, why do I hate him so much?)

    More importantly, why the fuck do you see the need to remind us of the fact that you hate him so much every ten seconds? WE DON’T CARE!


  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You are so lucky Bifocals can’t hear you. Although some of her gear did start out as knick-knacks. That China Doll Gun is frickin’ terrifying.

    I didn’t think she’d take my advice of using a fraternity brother pin, but there you go.

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Um, papa, do you think I’m…. I don’t know, weird?” she asked as she handed him the wrench

    More importantly, why do you care? I mean, I know this is Elsa pre-revelation and all, but Belle just flat-out didn’t give a shit, and this charactersation of Elsa has edged more towards Belle, so…

  21. leobracer says:

    Plot regurgitation in a crossover?


    As if I haven’t seen enough of that already.


    I’ve been wanting to test out the new warhammer that I got for my Battle Armor. Now I have the perfect opportunity.


    Leobracer’s Ghost: This is gonna suck.

  22. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I had the trolls to erase their memories of you having powers.”

    Wait, so you brainwashed an entire fucking town to keep your daughter safe!?

    Ignoring all the logistical crap you add in with the actual Frozen canon, that’s just wrong! I mean, you rewrote the memories of an entire goddamn village!

    *slow clap*

    Good job, asshole. Whatever sympathy I might’ve had for you has just instantly evaporated.

  23. laubesoyeuse says:

    Oh, man, I remember seeing this Frankenstein fandom on the tumblrs. It just goes to show, whenever you think you’ve found a niche on the internet, there are always smaller and weirder sub-niches inside of it. This is going to be great!

  24. laubesoyeuse says:

    Maybe my expectations were way off-base for this fic, but when they mentioned morning sunbeams falling across a frozen bed, I really wanted there to be a description of how pretty that would be.

  25. The Crowbar says:

    Topic: Rise of the Guardians/Frozen/Beauty and the Beast

    What tha’ fu-*interrupted by a chorus of sobbing painters*

  26. The Crowbar says:

    “She’s the one, the lucky girl I’m going to marry!” Hans says, proud. (A/N Quite unlucky, I should say. -_-)

    …I’m going to unleash my painters on you, if you give me one more mid-chapter Author’s Note.

  27. TacoMagic says:

    But behind that patter sot,

    I’m afraid she’s rather cot,

    *Taco breaks down weeping*

  28. TacoMagic says:

    Guess who’s going to be the villain? Go on, guess.


  29. TacoMagic says:

    Gustav guffaws. “No beast alive stands a chance against you!” he follows Hans off into the village. “And no girl for that matter.”

    I’ve always thought this was a strange line in the movie. From context we know what they mean, but the actual line suggests either that they’re going to hunt women for sport, or look for some bears to court and marry.

    I always hoped it was the second one.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    “She’s the one, the lucky girl I’m going to marry!” Hans says, proud. (A/N Quite unlucky, I should say. -_-)

    Author, remember how the writers put that author’s note in the movie to clue the audience in on Gaston not being a very good catch in terms of a mate? You remember that? You don’t? Well maybe there’s a fucking lesson there!

  31. TacoMagic says:

    “But she’s-” Gustav was dropped to the ground

    He was? From where? And by who?

    *Starts packing up his Trackingpoint SX1*

    It’s a mystery.

  32. TacoMagic says:

    That China Doll Gun is frickin’ terrifying.

    Have you seen the snowglobe torpedo launcher? It renders the globe into pure energy in a state of chonologic flux. The damn thing penetrates energy shielding by causing them never to have been invented in the first place.

    Luckily, the only thing it does when it hits the target is cover them in-



    You can guess who commissioned it.

  33. leobracer says:

    Didn’t get a chance to post this yesterday, but if anyone wants to read a good MLP fanfic about Lauren Faust’s Alicorn OC, then look no further than this:


    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Mm… I’ll take a look. It might even be a Sunday Special at some point.

      Speaking of which, actually, expect a little bonus gift of a Sunday Special this Sunday.

  34. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    I still don’t understand all the rage over these animated Disney movies. Any sort of messages or themes that are actually cleverly embedded in them just gets lost on me since I’m too busy frowning and cussing over how they all keep with the sorts of archetypes that I’ve grown to despise over the years.

    I remember post-exams, one of the first things we did in Calculus class was watch Frozen- I spent most of that time watching Sub Zero fatalities on my phone.

    …hey, it was fitting wasn’t it?

  35. fledglinghuman says:

    Golly, this is such a unique story! Why, it’s so inventive! Why hasn’t Disney written this—

    Oh, right.

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