935: Life with Raptors – Chapter Seven

Title: Life with Raptors
Author:   AwesomeHunter77
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre:  Humor/Drama
URL: Life with Raptors
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Welcome to Wednesday, patrons!  Once again, I’m here to furnish you with fresh, hot, raptor-based riff.  As usual, Eliza is sitting in as co-pilot.

“You suck, Taco.”

I see it went well last week.  Care to hit me with some recap?

“Mostly it revolved around Seth diving even deeper into the role of Sorin.  He called a hunt and was stupid enough to bring May along.”

That wouldn’t have been too bad a move.  She has a gun after all.

“Don’t remind me.  Anyway, the plan boils down to “stampede dinosaurs at a monkey with a stick.”  It ends pretty much as you would expect.”

In failure?

“In a battle between a Tyrannosaurus and a  Carcharodontosaurus.”

I- wha?

“The T-Rex wins, of course, so Gumdrop was naturally excited.  He’s already ordered a gross of “Team Random T-Rex” shirts from the PCC.  Here’s yours.”

*Taco picks up the shirt*

Are they all 100XL?

“Poor guy didn’t think to ask for anything other than T-rex size.”

Well, I’ve got a new blanket, at least.  So what about this descent into Sorin you were talking of?

“Seth blamed the botched hunt on May, even though it was really his poor planning that resulted in the hunt failing.”

Ahh.  Well, good recap.  Let’s see what we’ve got in store for us today!

(Sorry for the long wait, I got a new computer and, now I have no microsoft word, so Wordpad is my substitute)

Ye gods.

“Trouble brewin’.”

For the sake of the gods, author, do a three second Google search for word processors!  There are only about two dozen free ones out there!  Hell, even notepad++ at least has spell checking!  But there’s also Google Docs, Open Office, Abiword, Jart, Zoho, Lotus Symphony, etc.  This fic is only 2 years old, so there’s no excuse for not doing a simple search and finding some decent open-source freeware to do the job.

Chapter 7: Calm before the storm

May’s POV

Huzzah!

*Taco pelts Eliza with a water balloon filled with glitter glue*

-[SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXCESSIVE BUT DESERVED VIOLENCE]-

*Taco walks into the room wearing orange lederhosen*

Was it the balloon, or was it for stealing your bit?

“A woman has to keep a few secrets, doesn’t she?”

Clever g-

*Crunchy leans into the room and sprays Taco with a super-soaker*

I ran for as far as my legs would take me, it was dark now, and I had to survive on my own and find a way to get some help.

Seems like running aimlessly through a dark forest infested with dinosaurs is a very good way to start the whole ‘survival’ thing.

But first, I needed to find a shelter from the killer lizards that infested this place.

“I recommend either the workers’ quarters or the visitor center.  Both are rather nice.”

One of the various other buildings would also work well enough.  Based on what I could find online, there are roughly 6 major structures and a lot of smaller ones spread all over the island.  Should not be too difficult to find something with a door that could be locked.  Of particular note, the island is apparently only about 3 miles long and 2 miles wide.  That means any given place on the island is no more than an few hour’s walk (giving allowance for the steep terrain in the southern portion of the island), so there’s no reason May couldn’t find any of these buildings.

I managed to find a tree that was hollow in the bottom so that it made a sort of cave on the inside.

Tree Cave, THE REVENGANCEINATION!

I took my bag off and looked through it.

“There better be a gun in there.”

 I had a lighter, some granola bars, a knife, and some clothes, soap, and towels, though I think I lost a lot of stuff when I was attacked by the one raptor and the alpha…

Translation:  The author realized that May was supposed to have a gun.  Rather than go back and fix the whole setup (which is difficult and requires work) better to just toss on a band-aid and hope nobody is reading your pile critically.

No, don’t think about that damned lizard, he wanted me to spear a dinosaur that was a little bigger than me, out of a herd of those gallimimus that were bigger than me.

“Honey, that’s the first reasonable thing you’ve said.  Forget that creep.  Find the visitor center and tuck into the buffet”

I hurried outside and grabbed some dry branches and grass.  I made them into a sort of hill, and lit them, a small fire began to form.

How thrilling.

I was glad I grabbed the lighter, I couldn’t imagine lighting this thing with two sticks.

“I can’t imagine her doing that either.”

Frankly, I’m surprised she knew how to use the lighter.

Now I had warmth and protection, I lay down on the dirt and fell asleep.

Honestly, I’d have held out for a better location, but whatever.  She gets a minimally passing grade for survival.

Seth’s POV

“Oi!”

*Eliza bashes Taco with a bucket filled with glitter*

“W-We couldn’t help ourselves, w-we w-were star-starving a-” Austin tried to reason to me, but he was silenced as I bit into his muzzle as punishment, while I kept him pinned under my foot.

On the one hand, dick move, on the other, he’s finally acting like an Alpha should.

He screeched and fought out of my grasp, running over to Lily, Ellie, and Max, already bearing wounds for their disrespect.

I snarled angrily before turning and walking out of the area, I needed to cool off.

Why does he need to cool off?  He’s an alpha, it’s part of his job making sure the hierarchy is respected.

“This is the problem with trying to have things both ways.  If you make your sentient animals act like animals, it makes them seem unstable and sociopathic.”

I looked into the night sky, one part was full of stars, the other was black as night. I was confused before I saw they were clouds, it must’ve been another storm.

So, Seth is confused by… clouds?

“That certainly explains why his hunting plan hinged on a monkey with a stick.”

I lay down and sighed. I’d have to return to the nesting area, I couldn’t stay out in the open all night, that green thing would probably show up.

The Incredible Hulk!?

I turned and jogged back into the nesting area. Austin and Ellie had tucked down together and were asleep.

Max kept an eye on me, standing over Lily while she slept. I flopped into my own nest before falling asleep

It was horrible.

I was some terrible creature, brutally maiming my pack members until they were covered in their own and eachothers blood, cowering in fear.

Is that a dream, or just a flashback?

And then, I was nothing, it was pouring rain, and I only watched a scene play out in my head. My human was running, I tried to call out for her, but I made no noise.

“I was hoping there would be prophetic dreams.  A fic hasn’t really unlocked the full potential of horribleness unless it has those.”

 I wondered if she was running from me, a me that was not me.

That’s what happens when the author totally dumps your established character in favor of the one you were based on.

As in, I could see a nightmare me, chasing her, while I watched. It’s confusing.

“Welcome to our world, Seth.”

But I was dead wrong.

“What?  About it being confusing?  No, I am convinced you are spot on about that.”

The green thing burst out of the trees, eyes glowing a bright red and pupiless. It roared loudly, it’s mouth and teeth coated with strands of saliva.

Dude, napkin.  Got a little drool right there.

My human looked back before tripping over a tree root that seemed to jump out of the ground and grab her feet.

Woo!  Go tree!

“Tree!  Tree!  Tree!  Tree! Tree!  Sex!  Tree!  Tree!”

I tried to screech in fear, but again I was silent. I tried to move to help, but I was stuck in place.

And it was too late.

The green thing stood over my human, drool seeped from it’s mouth and coated the ground.

“Yes, far too late. Despite his attempts to prevent it, his monkey was already covered in T-rex drool.”

A fate worse than death.

Then it grabbed her in its maw and shook her about, and it was almost as if my mind was censoring it, I moved so that I could see it from the side, but the head of the creature was blocked by the tree.

Do you seriously have to censor everything in this fic, author?  First the sex and now this.  I mean, no need to be over-the-top gruesome, but I wouldn’t mind a little more detail when exploring the death gurgle of a Mary Sue being slowly devoured.

It looked like it had tossed my human to the ground, she groaned in pain.

“That would be May’s super-power: durability.”

So, she’s basically Kickass but without the costume.

The creature stood over her for a second, before diving down at her, my human screaming before cutting off abruptly.

I don’t care that it’s just a dream, we just got to read about a Sue being eaten.

 That’s when I woke up.

“Drat, back to the waking world where the Sue isn’t being eaten.”

May’s POV

Argh!  That’s even worse!

*Glitter-pied*

IT’S IN MY EYES!

I woke up the next morning, that was a good sign.

“Not if you’re sitting on this side of the page, sister.”

The fire was now burning coals, I walked outside and grabbed as much grass and wood as I could carry, three times.

Whoa there, back the hell up.  The fire was still hot coals?  How long did you sleep, like an hour?  Time doesn’t work like that!

I put some on the dying fire, and re-lit it, while the wood and grass were put into piles off to the side. I looked around at my shelter.

“How many scenes do you think you need of the Sue feeding a fire, author?”

One was too much, really.  Also, go actually interact with fire a bit, author.  Go out into the world, preferably with direct supervision, build a fire, tend it, and then let it burn for six-to-eight hours.  Now, tell me what it looks like and how easy it is to rekindle just by dumping grass on it.

If I had to guess…It was about ten feet long and ten feet wide,

*Eliza fans herself* “Goodness.”

and eight feet before the holloe turned into the tree.

“Ooooh, the tree-cave.”

I had some room, and I had plenty of head room, I was only four foot eight.

So?  You shouldn’t be planning to get comfortable here.  There are numerous secure structures on the island, many of them containing food, supplies, and weapons.  You should be moving out.  In fact, you shouldn’t have even bothered with the fire.  You need to get moving.  Right. Fucking. Now!

I walked back out with my knife, I had to find a large stick for a spear.

“Luckily, she’s in a forest.”

This wasn’t an easy task.

*Headdesk*

You need a long, straight stick and you’re in a rainforest.  There are easier tasks, but not many.

Most of the sticks on the ground were about as long as my index finger, and thin.  The sticks I needed were still in the trees.

“I’m just going to assume that the author hasn’t really been to an actual forest before.”

Pretty safe bet, yes.

“I suppose that means there’s even less chance that she’s been to one that has been recently ravaged by a hurricane.”

Yeah… looking unlikely.

Using my knife to stab in the trees, I pulled myself along with my left hand, trying to grab onto branches in the trees to pull myself up.

Homework assignment for everyone.  Get a decent knife and give that a try.  Extra credit for anyone who doesn’t break the knife or hurt themselves.

After three hours of failing and sliding and landing on my rear, I managed to get into the branches of the tree and climbed around.

Three hours!?  You wasted three hours of your day and a significant amount of energy in an emergency survival situation going after a stick?  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

“Down, boy.”

NO!  This stupid, incompetent asshole deserves to die out there!  She is doing absolutely everything wrong!

*Taco is hit with the pie of calming*

Why does the pie of calming burn?

“Herr suggested I use Moruga Scorpions to increase the calming effect.”

Yeah… not working.

*Taco runs screaming from the room*

“See, the snark room is already much calmer.”

I found the stick I needed, it was a few inches longer than my arm, and it was thick enough so that it took my whole hand to hold, not just two fingers.

“Uh.  I’m not an expert on sticks, but that strikes me as a terrible choice.  First, it’s too short to make a good spear, and second it’s too thick to easily cut off the tree using only a knife.”

I managed to saw it off with the knife before climbing back down and retreating into my shelter to make my weapon.

*The sound of incoherent screams of rage echoes from down the hallway*

“Darkwraiths!  Administer a second calming pie!”

*SPLORT*

AIEEEEEEEEE!

The finished product was a straight and rounded stick with a point at the end, I also cut into the point to make a fork, two sharp edges.

“Ahh yes, a shortish, longish, round, straight, pointed, double-pointed, edged stick.  I have no idea why I’m having so much trouble picturing it.”

My stomach growled and I clutched it.

Good job ignoring all the important things you need to do to assure survival in favor of getting a blobular stick.

“Calm now?”

Yes.  If only so I don’t get another pie.

“See!?  They work great!”

I grabbed a granola bar and ate it, but I had only five of those after that, I had to learn to catch food.

WHY!?  Why is that something you have to learn right now!?  There’s no fucking re-

*Eliza brandishes a pie*

Um.  I mean there are more than enough resources on this island to set you up for a while.  There are way more important things to do right now than what you’re actually doing.

There, luckily, was a river nearby, so I approached and looked down into the water.

“Mmmm, warm rainforest water.”

You make it sound so good.

“I have to give it to you monkeys: wells are an inspired invention.  Far less fish poop in well water.”

It was a little murky, but everything was still visible,

Author, please avoid using words that you don’t actually understand.

there were small fish and big fish, and luckily, nothing that could eat ME.

“Nothing you can see anyway.  With your observational prowess, I would hazard there are no less than four different dinosaurs stalking you right now.”

Clever g-

*Eliza brandishes the pie*

Never mind.

I remembered my physics class before I tried to spear a fish…Water distorted what you saw, so I had to aim below the fish.

This is actually true.  Doesn’t really help the flow of the fic mentioning it, though.

“What flow?”

Well, there might be flow if we didn’t have to follow every little unimportant thing May does and read all her asides about physics class.

I saw a fish slowly pass.

This captures the pacing of this fic perfectly.

I slowly placed my spear into the water and waited, when it was “above” the point, I thrust my spear into the water and pulled it back out, the water rippling to distort what I saw.

I looked at the tip of my spear, the fish flailed as it bled.

“Nobody is more amazed that it worked than we are.”

My first hunt, you could say, and I caught something.

It’s called spear fishing.  Much different thing than hunting.

 Maybe, with time and resources, I could figure out how to hunt the dinosaurs even, which made me wonder if Gallimimus tasted like chicken.

I’m hoping those resources include the command center that is loaded near to the brim with rifles, shotguns, and FOOD!

But, for now, I had to be content with seafood.

“You don’t have to do anything, sweetie.  You are on an island that is all of 6 square miles in size that has no small number of facilities.  You could be doing so much better than this.”

But if it didn’t kill me, I was fine with that.

AHH!  Zombie fish!

(Kind of short, I just wanted to give you guys another chapter. Please read and review!)

You want to handle this?

“It was absolute rubbish.”

There you have it.  Until next week, patrons!

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99 Comments on “935: Life with Raptors – Chapter Seven”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    The finished product was a straight and rounded stick with a point at the end, I also cut into the point to make a fork, two sharp edges.

    “Ahh yes, a shortish, longish, round, straight, pointed, double-pointed, edged stick. I have no idea why I’m having so much trouble picturing it.”

    God, I haven’t seen one of these since the last expedition to R’lyeh…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    and eight feet before the holloe turned into the tree.

    “Holloe” sounds like it should be an actual word. Like, a type of boat or something.

  3. “Yes, far too late. Despite his attempts to prevent it, his monkey was already covered in T-rex drool.”

    A fate worse than death.

    You’re telling me. That stuff never washes out.

  4. “I suppose that means there’s even less chance that she’s been to one that has been recently ravaged by a hurricane.”

    Yeah… looking unlikely.

    Has she never seen footage of the aftermath of a major storm? Once a big storm passes through, that’s usually the only thing on the news.

  5. SC says:

    For the sake of the gods, author, do a three second Google search for word processors! There are only about two dozen free ones out there! Hell, even notepad++ at least has spell checking! But there’s also Google Docs, Open Office, Abiword, Jart, Zoho, Lotus Symphany, etc. This fic is only 2 years old, so there’s no excuse for not doing a simple search and finding some decent open-source freeware to do the job.

    If you have a tablet with a keyboard, like me, the Play Store has several free to download word documents that do the job.

    I use a program called WriteNow, which is kind of a mix between a Notes app for phones and Notepad. It’s actually served me quite well, because it’s super easy to handle.

    • SC says:

      It even has a word-count function. I used WriteNow to write my (one tenth of the story that became my entire) NaNo novel with it, and it gave me an accurate count whenever I pulled up the story’s stats.

      That’s how I kept track before I realized that NaNoWriMo does that themselves.

  6. Using my knife to stab in the trees, I pulled myself along with my left hand, trying to grab onto branches in the trees to pull myself up.

    I don’t think the author’s ever climbed anything more challenging than a flight of stairs.

  7. After three hours of failing and sliding and landing on my rear, I managed to get into the branches of the tree and climbed around.

    So after ten or fifteen minutes of trying to stab the tree into submission, she didn’t try something else but just continued stabbing the tree? For three hours?

    :headdesk:

    You could cut down a small tree with a serrated steak knife in less time than that!

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I ran for as far as my legs would take me, it was dark now, and I had to survive on my own and find a way to get some help.

    Um… isn’t there probably a radio back at the Visitor Center…?

    You don’t really mean that, do you?

  9. I slowly placed my spear into the water and waited, when it was “above” the point, I thrust my spear into the water and pulled it back out, the water rippling to distort what I saw.

    Did she just stab the water twice?

  10. SC says:

    Tree Cave, THE REVENGANCEINATION!

    RULES OF NA-TURE!

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “This is the problem with trying to have things both ways. If you make your sentient animals act like animals, it makes them seem unstable and sociopathic.”

    So animals are unstable and sociopathic when you try to apply their thought patterns to sentient beings?

    Quick! Someone get Ulrich-Stu and rub this in his face!

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I was hoping there would be prophetic dreams. A fic hasn’t really unlocked the full potential of horribleness unless it has those.”

    Or some form of prophecy. That works wonders as well.

  13. SC says:

    I was glad I grabbed the lighter, I couldn’t imagine lighting this thing with two sticks.

    Why would it have needed to be sticks, though? Do rocks not exist in this island? Those work just as well!

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The green thing burst out of the trees, eyes glowing a bright red and pupiless. It roared loudly, it’s mouth and teeth coated with strands of saliva.

    *headdesk*

    Oh come on, I thought this was a badly-written clone of Raptor and I, not fucking Sonic.EXE!

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So, she’s basically Kickass but without the costume.

    No, because Kickass actually does become competent after a while. It takes an entire fucking movie to get to that point, but he does get there.

    • SC says:

      Well, hey, every hero had to get their asses whooped a few times before they found their groove. I don’t blame the guy, I just blame his particular slowness in finding his groove.

    • TacoMagic says:

      You know, I don’t know that I’d say he ever actually gets all that competent. He gets more realistic about the limitations of his own abilities, but I wouldn’t really call that any actual level of competence. In the end, the jetpack/minigun does most of the job for him.

  16. I’m 5’4″ and my arms are about 2 feet long, give or take, so if May-Sue is 4’8″ that would mean a stick that’s a few inches longer than her arm would be much shorter than that – especially after she whittled a few inches off making her rounded-pointed-fork-thing. That’s not really long enough to be an effective spear; not only would she have to get very close to something to stab it, to spear a fish she’d have to be hunched over in a very uncomfortable position.

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I suppose that means there’s even less chance that she’s been to one that has been recently ravaged by a hurricane.”

    You don’t even need to visit a forest that’s been ravaged by a hurricane, really. All you need to do is go to an area of high suburban sprawl and you’ll see all the troubles you’ll need.

    Personally, I’m surprised she’s not noticing all the branches that are too damn heavy to make a spear in the first place. But hey, that’s just years of having grown up in Miami talking.

  18. SC says:

    I put some on the dying fire, and re-lit it,

    You probably burnt the fuck out of your hand, too. One thing about fires is that one they’re lit, they’re pretty self-sufficient. All you need to do is plop a few dry twigs on the coals and the fire will do the rest.

    It’s kind of why fires are such a bitch for the fire department to put out, too.

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    *Taco is hit with the pie of calming*

    Why does the pie of calming burn?

    “Herr suggested I use Moruga Scorpions to increase the calming effect.”

    Wha–

    I DID NOT!!!!

    *hefts Alma*

    Get back here, Eliza, you lying raptor! I’ve got a present for you!

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Ahh yes, a shortish, longish, round, straight, pointed, double-pointed, edged stick. I have no idea why I’m having so much trouble picturing it.”

    It might be the pointless fork add-on. Really, what was the point of that?

  21. SC says:

    Most of the sticks on the ground were about as long as my index finger, and thin. The sticks I needed were still in the trees.

    Hey dumbass, stop picking around in the litterfall and actually look for a stick on the ground, you’ll have much better luck.

  22. SC says:

    “Uh. I’m not an expert on sticks, but that strikes me as a terrible choice. First, it’s too short to make a good spear, and second it’s too thick to easily cut off the tree using only a knife.”

    I managed to saw it off with the knife before climbing back down and retreating into my shelter to make my weapon.

    Huh.

  23. “I have to give it to you monkeys: wells are an inspired invention. Far less fish poop in well water.”

    But they are, unfortunately, the perfect traps for little boys named Timmy.


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