934: From Another World – Chapter 44 & 45Posted: January 13, 2015
E: Still can’t believe that that was a thing. I mean really? Inter-dimensional genital travel?
C: EP really does seem like he’s making shit up as he goes along. Before the story was like a game of connect the dots, but he never realized that the dots weren’t going anywhere and now he’s filling in the blank spaces with his own random and disjointed dots in the vague hope that it will lead to something good.
N: And because of that we got evil twin, which is one step above the bad guy, whose name I ALREADY forgot, going “John, I am your father.”
C: Sadly. But hey, no one ever said that he had any good ideas.
E: Let’s just get this story over with. We’re almost there, maybe we can find something more amusingly bad after this, we could use another Full Life Consequences. Or at least a bad story by someone who doesn’t let his fetishes run wild in story. I’d settle for that.
Chapter 44 the Primach
The Normandy arrive close to the Turrian home-world with the Palavan liberation fleet. The fleet sped off towards Palavan while the Normandy headed to the nearby moon. As the Kodiak set off to the moon with Shepard, Liara and James in they approached the screen of Palavan burning. It was horrible. Even with his culture John still couldn’t shake the fear of it.
E: You know, the story keeps bringing up Tiberian culture, but really we know next to nothing about it. Sure EP keeps throwing flowery words at us and we saw a funeral, but really it’s got no substance to it. And that’s when Tiberian culture doesn’t flat out contradict itself. It’s supposed to be enlightened, that’s why they have an absolute monarchy (technically it isn’t but really the ministers of the JFU bend over and do whatever John tells them to do, he pretty much has unopposed power). They’re peaceful, so they have the biggest military in their galaxy, and they’re intelligent, which is why the Derp counter exists. Really this is because we only learn about Tiberian culture when Shepard brings it up to show how super awesome he and his whole species are.
N: It’s not that hard to develop a culture, most stories aren’t expected to pull a J.R.R. Tolken here. I mean really, how many species in Mass Effect to act as a template and EP STILL couldn’t pull this off?
“No Palavan.” Liara said looking down.
C: Without any flavor to that sentence it sounds like Liara is telling a dog off.
“We have a friend there.” John said to James.
N: “I didn’t say anything.”
E: “WE HAVE A FRIEND DOWN THERE!”
“The largest military in the galaxy getting decimated.” James said.
“Commander Reaper forces have covered the landing sight.” Cortez said.
John needed no other explanation as the door opened and he drew his rifle. The ship flew slowly past a large group of husks. Shepard unleashed pulse rifle fire in bursts reducing the numbers.
C: Reducing the numbers? Reducing the numbers, I swear to christ this writing is so dry and lifeless I’m considering trying to get it declared legally dead.
N: That and “reduce the numbers” is so vague could mean anything from going from a thousand to 999 or from a thousand to two. Then again it’s been establish that EP can’t describe things.
The Husks where more tough then last time. The lasers sometimes bounced off their hides.
E: Another line that feels like it’s from Full Life Consequences. “And people were shooting laser guns back and killing them sometimes.”
The Kodiak landed and the three jumped off. In the distance the fleet engaged the Reapers. Many of them were being destroyed by the squids. It seemed that even their tech is no match for the Reapers.
C: I guess we’re calling Reapers squids now. Also, more vague mentions of something that really should be awesome. Seriously, this is getting so boring that we might have to pull out that plan Ert has to make things for interesting.
The Kodiak took off as the three moved to the Turrian outpost. The gate lowered and the soldier pointed to the man in charge.
“You in charge?” the commander asked the Turrian looking over a holo table.
“This camp yes.” the Turrian responded.
N: So is that a yes or a no?
“We’re looking for Primach Fedorian.”
The Turrian looked up for a moment before looking back down. “He’s dead his ship was shot down trying to leave system.”
“Sorry for your loss I heard he was a good man.”
“And a friend he would have been an outstanding diplomat.”
E: What does him being a friend have to do with his diplomatic skill?
“The Hierarchy has very clear lines of succession.” Liara said.
“That’s true but the Hierarchy is in chaos I can’t connect to command. Get to the comm tower. It needs to be repaired before we can help you.”
C: Yeah let’s go, whoever just said that.
N: You do realize that scene was just EP putting down lines from the game with absolutely nothing to give it support right?
E: Yeah, I know. We’re going with my plan.
N: Really? I think it’s kind of stupid.
E: No more stupid than what’s going on here.
The three ran in the direction of the tower encountering no resistance. They stopped at the tower and Liara climbed up as Husk pods came coming down.
C: Does Liara even know how to fix the tower? She just kinda got sent up there. Ah well, get out of the way woman, let the men kill the enemy with their penises.
The two marines raised their weapons and began firing. Once again some of the lasers bounced off the husks hides. James then came in close contact with a Husk who knocked his pulse rifle out of his hand. James dived at the husk knife drawn. The blade came in contact with the husk’s arm as James cut it off.
C: Ok no. Fucking no. I don’t care how many jokes about Vega taking steroids there are, he is not strong enough to cut off a human arm, with a knife, in a single swing, WHILE DIVING!
He had trouble keeping the former human down as he drove the knife into it’s chest. The creature died as he got back up and drew his scatterpulse. The Husks really dived at the two as more and more came.
E: As opposed to the time they not really dived.
Liara was close to fixing it when a harvester came in low and landed in front of the commander and James. The two marines still fired their weapons at the beast but it did little effect to slow it down.
C: Seriously, I keep hearing these lines in the voice of the Full Life Consequences narrator!
Just then a weapon pod came screaming down and landed nearby James knocking him to the ground. The pod opened to show a large two handed weapon that had a similar look to the 21st century multi barrelled weapons.
N: Stop. This is clearly not a Turian weapon drop, it’s a Tiberian one. 1. When did the Tiberians get into orbit around the moon? Nothing like that was ever established. 2. Why did they wait until just now to drop it? Wouldn’t dropping it while Shepard and co were still in friendly controlled territory have not made more sense? That way it wouldn’t have to be retrieved under fire. 3. Why did it get dropped so close to James it threw him to the ground? 4. Why are ALL Tiberian weapons “It looked like X”. Come up with something original EP for fuck’s sake.
He grabbed it, it was lighter then he expected but he didn’t pay attention to that as he fired a hailstorm of lasers at the harvester. This time the lasers had an effect as they pieced the thick hide of the beast. The harvester screamed as it fired a laser at James who dogged it. Shepard rolled the other way as James didn’t stop firing.
E: So he threw himself to the side and didn’t stop firing a gattling laser as he did? I see that ending badly.
Then a crack showed in the belly of the harvester and James threw a grenade in it.
C: You’re gonna have to explain to me how he accurately got a grenade in a crack while also holding onto a gattling laser.
The beast exploded. Cybernetics and flesh fall all over the place as James stood. Liara came off the tower.
“You two ok?” she asked.
“I’m good James?” John said.
“I’m fine. But I like this new toy.” James said.
N: IT COMPENSATES FOR MY SMALL PENIS!
“It’s a CC78 autolaser. It fires high powered turbo lasers that can cut through almost anything. Keep it.”
E: And we’re just learning about this overpowered weapon now because why exactly? Would this have not been useful before?
James just smiled at that.
“Commander, Corinthus here, the network’s back up.” the general said over the comm.
“On our way.”
C: Who the fuck is Corinthus? The guy we met before? ESTABLISH! SHIT!
The three then ran back to camp where the Turrians scrambled to get in position for another attack. The General still stood over the holo table.
“General you ok?” John asked.
“I’m fine, but the Hierarchy is in chaos most are dead or MIA.”
“Don’t worry commander we’ll find you the Primach.” a voice then said.
All four looked to a face they never expected to see.
“Garrus.” John said in surprise.
“Vakarian sir. I didn’t see you there?” Corinthus added.
“Sir?” John questioned.
“I’ll tell you later.” Garrus said.
“Ok. What about the Primach?”
N: Then person X said Y. Then Person A said Z. Then Person B ALSO said Z. That’s all the dialogue in this story. Completely soulless.
E: I’m doing it. Ladies and Gents, to make this snarking less agonizingly boring, enjoy some out of context Harry Potter quotes whenever things get too dull.
People may be forced to conclude that Grindelwald simply conjured a white handkerchief from the end of his wand and came quietly
“As your friend said succession is relatively simple. But command is in chaos, however they said that the next in line is Adrian Victus. He’s known for playing louse within accepted strategy.” Corinthus said.
E: Never heard of a game called louse before. It any fun?
“His name passed my desk a few times. He’s a brilliant commander who during the rebellions found a Slarian group. He even gave up valuable positions that the rebels took and let the rebels and Slarians fight. When it was finished he took out both the rebels and Slarians. Didn’t even lose a man.”
N: Who the fuck is talking right now?
“A clever strategy but clever strategy’s don’t get you high on the Meritocracy.”
C: Who the fuck is talking NOW?
“Sounds like the man we need.” Shepard said. “Where is he?”
“I was fighting with him no to long ago. I know where he is.” Garrus then said.
“INCOMEING HARVESTER!” a Turrian watch said.
The harvester flew overhead to the airfield.
“It’s dropped of troops.”
“Err commander it’s Joker EDI’s acting weird we need help up here.” Joker then chimed in over the comm.
E: And when the narrative isn’t boring, it can’t stay still for three seconds. Giant winged alien flies overhead and drops off troops. By the way Joker says EDI is doing something weird.
“I can help with that.” Liara offered.
“Go.” John ordered.
Liara ran off as the others ran to the airfield. The Turrian soldiers also ran in the same direction. The as they entered the airfield the Turrian soldiers fell like flies.
C: What to? You haven’t established their enemy yet. Frankly the way you wrote it it sounds like all the Turians just all ran forward and tripped.
Shepard, James and Garrus took cover as reaper forces came fast. They popped out only to get back into cover as purple lasers fired at them. They where pinned.
“Shepard here requesting drop pod assistance.” John yelled down the comm.
N: Question, apparently there’s a Tiberian ship in orbit dropping support pods. Why aren’t the Reapers blasting it to pieces?
A few moments latter three screaming pods came running down and hit the airfield hard taking out several Husks and Marauders.
E: Ok, is the person firing those pods Gunner’s Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole? Congrats, you just put those weapons in the middle of the enemy ranks you douche. Support pods are that, support pods. NOT ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT PROJECTILES! And you haven’t even established what Marauders are. You pretty much just said “You know the game, I don’t need to explain things.” Lazy lazy lazy.
Tiberian troops exited the pods and took cover fast. Then all of the soldiers popped up and fired on the incoming forces. Lasers bounced off the hides with relative ease. James was just getting annoyed as he stood and opened fired with his new weapon. The turbo lasers cut through armour allowing for the soldiers to take them out. It took a bit of doing but the reaper forces fell one by one.
C: So the Husks are now so strong you need a heavy weapon to take down their armor first and then a rifle shot to kill them? How have they not completely overrun the moon by now?
E: And the pods were carrying soldiers, not weapons? Dropping them into enemy ranks is still stupid, and why the heck are the Tiberians waiting until NOW to join the fight?
As soon as the last reaper soldier fell the ground was covered in bodies and thermal clips.
N: Why was it only covered after the last soldier fell?
Just then another harvester flew overhead Shepard, James and Garrus ran over to a part of the wall where husks where coming from.
C: That suddenly exists all of a sudden.
Shepard drew his blade as he ran through the husks cutting them up. They made it to the wall and they climbed up the ladder. John then grabbed onto the turret, James and Garrus stood beside him.
E: You can’t say “The X” to describe something the very first time it is introduced. Then again EP pretty much is assuming we all played the game and want to see it play out exactly as it happened with a few hand jobs to his do not steal characters along the way.
Husk’s then started to come over the rocks fast. As soon as they came into sight John opened fired at them. Garrus took out the ones that where out of rage of the turret. James took out the ones that John missed.
N: Well, that was exhilarating. Can’t believe I’m saying this but…Ert, another one.
He pushed the door ajar and peered inside – and a horrible scene met his eyes. Snape and Filch were inside, alone. Snape was holding his robes above his knees
C: So who’s on top?
E: Snape of course.
John reloaded the turret once again but as he did a thunders roar sounded and something hit into the wall. He fell off and came face to face with a brute.
C: Describe what a Brute IS EP! For fuck’s sake.
His eyes widened in fear as the beast punched him. John flew into the wall and made it blow up. As he got up he coughed up blood.
N: Uh. Did John just explode? Or make a normal wall explode? That is a special kind of stupid.
James and Garrus started to fire on the best but it did little damage as the beast charged at John who dived in another direction. He then turned and jumped on the beats back with a grenade in hand. He shoved it in the gap where the head came out of and jumped off.
E: You know all this planting of grenades on creatures makes me wonder if EP is copying the Halo multiplayer where you could do that to enemy vehicles that were too big to hijack, mainly tanks. It was actually kind of cool there, because you had to dodge enemy fire to get to it, or sneak up behind the tank, and even then you could get shot off. Here? It’s just kind of soulless and keeps happening.
The grenade exploded but did little damage to the beast.
E:…May have gotten ahead of myself there.
John cursed in Tiberian as he got hit again. This time he landed next to a rocket launcher.
N: “Then Henry Freeman found a Gravity Gun.” Seriously, do we even need to say how stupid it is that a rocket launcher is just lying around there?
The beast came charging in once again. He grabbed the weapon and fired a barrage of rounds at the beast.
C: An AUTOMATIC rocket launcher? Fuck off.
This time the armour cracked as the rockets kept coming. The beast made one final roar as it fell and turned to ashes.
N: We went from cracking armor to vaporization awful quickly, but what do I know about pacing?
James and Garrus jumped down and ran to the commander as John took off his gauntlet of his normal arm, a large gash was there but it wasn’t healing.
“Commander hold still.” James said as he was about to pour some medi-gel on the would.
“NO WAIT!” John yelled but it was too late as the gel hit the wound.
John yelled in pain as the area around the gel began to blister and crack.
E: Funny thing is that this story keeps making John yell in pain a lot, but the problem is that while it makes him keep going through pain, it doesn’t seem like it actually reduces his combat ability at all. Also I think this is the first time we’ve seen first aid applies in this story. So, James at least has some brains to him.
James and Garrus rubbed the gel off. John’s arm however was covered in red blisters that started to shrink but the gash wasn’t healing.
“John what’s happening?” Garrus asked.
“I’m not too sure of the name but it’s a Tiberian healing suppression field.
N: And you know what this is and how it works because how? Ugh. Another.
Was… was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use his – his thing?”
C: Oh wow.
All of my healing abilities are non existent, at the moment I’m healing at the same rate as a human,
E: Minus that moment two seconds ago where your blisters magically disappeared.
but what is more the field causes all Tiberian make up to blister and reject any kind of medical stims. At the moment I cannot take any kind of medical help.” he said sliding his gauntlet back on.
N: And how the shit does that work? A field that cancels out bullshit energy I can buy, by what’s sustaining it? And how does it cancel out medicine?
They followed a path that lead to the next out post. As they moved James started to feel a little ill.
“Is it just me or is the air here a little thin?” he asked.
“I haven’t noticed. My lungs are larger than a humans but sometimes that’s not always a good thing.” John said.
“The air liar was made for Turrians.” Garrus explained.
C: Well, end of that important little sub plot.
They moved up further and came on a team who was under attack. They charged in with James handing out covering fire while John and Garrus drew their assault rifles and ripped into the husks path.
E: So they’re shooting the dirt? Tiberian tactics at their finest.
Still aching from his injuries John couldn’t do much and dropped his pulse rifle and drew his blade.
N: Couldn’t do much. Drops his much safer firearm to draw a blade that will require much more exertion and require himself to charge the enemy or let them get in close. Yeah I don’t think EP gets how suspense is supposed to work.
He wasn’t left handed but his robotic arm was the only thing that he could use. A husk ran towards him and jumped. Before it could land on him John slashed at it removing it’s head and limbs before it turned to dust.
C: Yeah, he’s so vulnerable right now.
Garrus snap shot between three husks that came at him. Their heads exploded just short of him. James fired his weapon at a hoard of husks. Every time one fell two more appeared. Until the last one fell.
E: There was no end to them, until there was an end and the good guys won forrest of time.
The three then handed out medical supplies to the team before moving off.
The next outpost came just in sight. But it was under attack. The three charged in, James stood back as he used his new weapon as cover fire. Garrus and John ran to where the reaper forces where coming from to plug the hole. Garrus used his sniper skills to take out the marauders while John got in close. Husk as he took out the first husk he saw a pain shot through his ribs.
C: He SAW a pain shot through his ribs. Ignoring how that entire sentence makes the English language cry, how do you see pain? Is that another bullshit ability.
He fell to his knees as a Turrian in red armour grabbed him. James came running up with the lasers ripping through the husks.
N: Now I see James carrying a bunch of laser bolts in his hands.
The fire was put on the Husks so much that they stood no chance of getting through and stopped for the moment. The Turrian helped Shepard over to some crates and helped him sit on them.
“I thought you where invincible.” the Turrian said.
“I may not be human but I have my limits.” John said.
E: Tots for real. I is totally vincible. Another one, this is getting really boring.
“I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago —” “He was asking for it,” snarled Dudley.
C: This explains so much about Dudley and why he acts out. Seriously, you try being gay in a household with fucking Vernon and Petunia as parents, see how you turn out.
“Vakarian where did you go?” the Turrian then said to Garrus.
“There was a Reaper unit getting too close. I believe that your exact words where ‘get that unit of our back.'” Garrus replied.
“And so you did thank you.”
N: I’m sorry, what was that little conversation supposed to be about?
“You must be Adrian Victus then.” John then said.
John stood and looked Victus in the eye. “We need you to come with us Primach Victus.”
E: Yes, it turns out that you are one of the long lost twenty sons of the God Emperor and he needs you to command a legion of Space Marines in his Great Crusade. *Gets smacked* Sorry, had to.
“Primach Fedorian’s ship was taken out. You’re the new Primach.”
Victus turned and looked at Palven. “I’m the Primach of Palven? Negotiating for the Turrian Hierarchy?”
“Yes we need you for a war summit.” Garrus then said.
“It’s not that I’m not honoured by why me I’m a soldier.”
“We need soldiers not politicians to fight this war. This devastation, double that for Earth.”
“I need to talk to my men.”
“Take as long as you need.”
Victus walked off to a group of Turrians as Garrus stood next to John.
“Without him here we’ll lose this moon.” Garrus said.
“With out him up there we’ll lose everything.”
Garrus could only agree to that as he looked at a Reaper in the distance.
“Look at that. And they want my opinion on how to take it down?”
“‘One who fights an unknown first knows most.'”
“True. I’ve got your back like always.”
Victus then came back. “Ok I’ve told my men, but before I commit any forces to Earth I need the heat taken off Palven. We need the Krogan.”
C: More boring ass dialogue lifted straight from the game. There really is no life to any of this. Remember how it was established that Shepard had an evil twin last chapter? Notice how he’s nowhere to be seen? Too busy laughing at how evil he is probably. One more HP quote then the next chapter.
“Well, er, if you must know, Ginny, er, walked in on me the other day when I was – well, never mind – the point it, she spotted me doing something and I, um, asked her not to mention it to anybody.”
N: Dem awkward moments.
E: One thing I want to comment on in the Author’s Note
I think I made a mistake in regards to the fetch quest as in it’s the opposite way round but I don’t think it matters that much.
Chapter 45 an old warrior
C: EP. Fetch Quests. Are. BORING! You honestly think people want to read about that?
Jane sat in the crew quarters as she just started to get her act together. Her long moping session done she now had a drive for vengeance and someone to bed.
C:..Character arc done folks! Jane doesn’t feel sad anymore, she just wants to kill and fuck things.
No she needed she needed a relationship now, her heart was empty that needed to be filled by someone.
E: And she wants a lover. Because EP deemed it so.
Just then a loud yelp sounded making her look to the med bay to see her brother struggle against the ship’s doctor. Deciding to enjoy his pain she got up and walked in the med bay.
“Ahhh doc come that hurts!” John yelled as Chakwas pulled a lump of shrapnel out of his chest.
“John stop it I’ve handled worse.” Chakwas said.
N: I don’t think you’re supposed to just pull shards of shrapnel out of people like that.
“Well well well… this is something new.” Jane teased.
C: Bro has massive gaping wounds? Let me tease him.
“Jane done moping I see.” John quipped.
E: THAT DOES IT! *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*. Herr, how do you get the blood off of Alma?
“True… so care to tell me how you ended up in this delightful state?”
John just gave a low growl before sighing. “The reapers have Healing repression tech.”
Jane’s eyes widened. “How the fuck did they get their hands on that?”
N: Apparently this is an established thing. Because the Tiberians thought that designing something to stop their healing factor was a good idea.
John just shrugged in response as the doctor removed a large chuck of metal out of his arm making him yelp putting a smile on Jane’s face. Just then Liara entered.
C: This bitch is a fucking sadist.
“Commander I’ve been looking over the data we got from the Mars Archives and found something interesting.”
before John could finish the light’s dimmed our suddenly as Joker came on the radio.
E: Just to save some time, what happens is what happens in canon minus a few lines change here and there. In fact the scene in question has more to it and is a lot more interesting.
Lara mentally slapped herself for forgetting. “Right… on Eden prime I’ve got some interesting data about a Prothien artefact. There’s a dig sight for it but the colony went dark a few hours ago.”
“EDI do we have time for a detour?” John asked.
“The Krogan and Salarians are around 24 hours away from the summit.” EDI said.
C: So is that a yes? A no? A maybe so? I would think space travel would take awhile, so maybe we shouldn’t be delaying. I don’t know!
“Joker set course for Eden prime.”
John looked at the screen of Eden prime, where it all began. A sense of nostalgia hit him, this was interesting.
N: Remember that time Jenkins died? And I killed Geth drones by running up to them and grabbing them instead of just shooting them?
This is where it all began could it be the end as well?
E: Spoiler alert, no.
Garrus checked his weapon once again. His right arm ached again, Chackwas had let him go on the mission as long as he didn’t strain himself too badly. He doubted that, his healing abilities had come back but slowly. That healing repression tech had a nasty side effect for Tiberians in that it also weakened their immune system. This caused them to attract viruses.
N: So this field doesn’t need to be sustained over the Tiberian, but then it wears off and it also lets them get sick and…I don’t know, can be used to give them cancer or something, I’m sure EP will throw something else randomly in.
Many Tiberians died from this. John gritted his teeth, after this he needed to get himself checked out. The Kodiak came down into the atmosphere, as it did something hit the ship throwing the three around.
C: When did they die? WHO USED THIS ON THEM!
“Cortez what was that?” John yelled as he got up.
“Cerberus battleships, but I don’t recognise the design or size.” Cortez yelled.
E: I can tell they’re Cerberus though.
“Commander the battleship strongly represents a cross between human cruisers and Tiberian battle cruisers.” EDI said over the comm. “They must have stolen Tiberian ship plans. The materials they are using are the same as our ships.”
N: So much for Shepard dealing major damage to Cerberus if they still have the resources to produce alien ships. And if these designs aren’t even human how did Cortez know they were Cerberus?
“Damn it. Cortez get us groundside then get back to the Normandy.” John yelled.
Cortez flew near the location, Garrus opened the door allowing the three to jump out. Both Liara and Garrus landed on their feet but Shepard landed on his feet but almost immediately slipped. He slowly got up and moved next to the other two. The Kodiak flew away avoiding Cerberus gunships.
E: SEE! HE ALMOST SLIPPED! HE’S NOT INVULNERABLE AND TOTALLY ISN’T A STU!
“Ok people Cerberus knows we’re here, let move and get that artefact before they do.” John said.
The two nodded and made their way to the pre-fab units. As they did the three saw towers in the distance. The towers where made by the Prothens yeas ago, Liara just stared in awe at it.
C: Those towers really weren’t that imopressive.
“Say Liara did you happen to come across any dinosaurs in your digs?” Garrus asked.
“No you see I used to be an Archaeologist while studying dinosaurs is palaeontology and… Oh you where making a joke right?” Liara said realising what Garrus was trying to do.
“Yeah a bad one.” He admitted. “Commander what kind of dinosaurs did Tiberia have?”
“Err not too sure if I’m being honest but you know that large lizard that we use sometimes? Well that is what’s left of the dinosaurs from Tibera.” John answered.
Garrus gulped knowing the animal he was talking about.
N:…What was the point of that? Fuck it, another one right here.
“—you and him!”
“Hermione, calm down—”
“I didn’t tell anyone!” Hermione shrieked. “I’ve been covering up for you—”
“Hermione, listen to me, please!” Lupin shouted. “I can explain—”
C: I can dig it.
No one was around but they kept their guard up, Cerberus had been getting desperate recently using Tiberian, Human and Reaper tech.
E: And the author felt that only now should this information be made known to us. And just like Mars, this chapter has a lot of really fucking boring copy pasted fight scenes. This time we’re not gonna force you to read through them, and instead we’ll replace each one with another Harry Potter line. Like with the next four paragraphs for example.
“[Harry] contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: Let’s do it tonight. Ron read the message, swallowed hard, and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermione.”
N: I’m starting to think Rowling did this on purpose.
As soon as the last one stopped breathing Liara went back to the console. The info she found on it made her eyes widen.
“That can’t be right…” she said making the other two come up next to her.
“What?” Garrus asked as a platform came up with a crate on it.
“According to this it isn’t a Prothean artefact… it’s a Prothean.” she exclaimed.
“As in a still alive Prothean?” Garrus asked in shock.
“Its hard to believe but yes.”
E: Can’t wait to meet our friendly racist Prothean. Javix was always a very interesting character, if a bit insufferable at first. Can’t wait for this story to fuck him up.
“Given all we’ve been through this is what you doubt?” John asked with a smile.
C: Yeah, after the Evil Twin birth incident really nothing about reality makes sense anymore.
Garrus stayed silent, he couldn’t find a good enough retaught.
C: How about “pardon me for still thinking things are supposed to make sense.” That’s a good one.
“I can’t get it open, it needs some kind of code to unlock.” Liara said.
“Can’t we just open it?” Garrus asked.
“No that will kill the Prothean, we need a command code and some Prothean signal to open it.” Liara said.
“Let’s look around, they where digging we could find something.”
N: And we cut out another four or so paragraphs of fighting because it’s really fucking boring and just more of the same. Also another HP Oh myyyyyy line.
“… could see Draco banging his goblet on the table. It was a sickening sight.”
E: How would that work?
C: With a lot of padding.
The three then walked into what looked like a lab, John then saw in the back was the mainframe. Indicating it out to the other two who nodded in response. They walked onto a small room to see a console with a shard on it John picked up the shard. As he did the screen activated with a city under attack by the Reapers.
N: The screen activated with a city under attack? Huh. Must be the collector’s edition.
Four Prothean soldiers where holding off a collector attack with particle weapons. Each one moved back slowly as they held off the collectors. On of them was hit making the lead grit his teeth and use his biotics on an oncoming group of collectors sending them into a wall. He then sent a a blast at a larger group making them fall. Before turning to his comrade.
C: That period there seems a little unnecessary…hey where did the spare punctuation box go?
“Victory seal the bulkhead.” the lead yelled as he grabbed his comrade.
“Acknowledged.” a green VI said as the bulkhead began to close.
N: Because he didn’t specify otherwise, I chose to believe this V.I. takes on the form of a cock.
The collectors began running towards them making the others fire their beam weapons on the oncoming assault as the lead dragged his comrade behind the bulk head as it closed. The lead then lead on the bulkhead for a moment as another soldier checked on his comrade. The lead then looked onwards into the bunker seeing fires and not much else. He knew what was happening.
C: Glad he does, BECAUSE WE DON’T! And our knowledge is kind of the one that matters most.
“How many have we lost?” he asked.
“Reaper forces have destroyed approximately 300,000 lifepods.” The VI said.
The lead opened one of the pods only to see a chard black soldier.
E: Pretty sure this is the second time I’ve seen that typo. And once again it reminds me of “Chard monster” and the little train wreck it came from. Do you REALLY want me to compare you to How I Became Yours? The most fucking sexist Avatar the Last Airbender web comic to ever exist? Then again EP probably likes it.
“A third of our people.” he said as he moved up and placed his hand on the body’s shoulder.
He bowed his head in respect before the VI appeared next to him.
“Alert, north-side bulkhead cannot be sealed hostile’s detected.” the VI said.
“Then all forces to the north.” the lead declared picking up his weapon and moved with the remainder of his troops.
N: Well, that was pretty much straight from the game. Christ this story is so freaking by the numbers it hurts.
A series of flashes appeared before John before he saw a black screen.
“What was that?” Garrus asked.
“That was the Prothean vid of their Reaper war.” John said making Liara’s eyes widen.
“You saw it?”
“Yeah, it must be because of the cypher. Come on I got the code, we need to find the signal.” John said.
C: I love how EP was worried about switching up the order in which the crew got the Macguffins. Like his reader’s heads will explode if things change from the games too much. Says a lot for how he regards our intelligence and what he thinks makes a good story.
The three made they way out into the court yard with no sign of Cerberus yet. Liara looked at her omni-tool and pointed left to a set of stairs. The two nodded and they moved up the stairs into another lab but no sign for a mainframe. The opposite end of the fab unit was open so they made their way out.
A pre-fab unit on stilts was on the other side but only had a ladder for entrance. With nothing else to go on the three climbed up the ladder and dropped down a hole into the unit weapons up. No one could be seen. Liara tapped Johns shoulder and pointed to a small room in the back it was the mainframe room. But aside from the console John found a strange looking weapon. Picking it up it looked like a collector particle weapon but less organic looking. He handed it to Liara who needed more fire power than he or Garrus.
John then turned to the console and the screen came up with the same image as before.
E: Well, that was exhilarating. EP, you’re allowed to do things that didn’t happen in the game. And when you do you’re allowed to make it the story NOT SUCK!
Two Protheans walked into another section of the bunker complex they where in.
“I never thought our empire would fall.” one of them said.
“It won’t.” the other one said stopping and looking at the other one. “We will sleep here until the Reapers return to dark space. Then we will rise, a million strong.”
“For the empire.”
“For the empire, get to your stasis pod.”
C: Yeah, basically we just see the Prothean’s trying to go into stasis to try and ride out the Reaper invasion, apart from that not much else.
The other nodded and ran off while the other turned and walked in the opposite direction.
“Victory, broadcast the readiness signal to all life pods.” he said as the VI appeared.
“An the refugees that have yet to reach the bunker?” the VI said as they stopped.
The leader looked to the side before answering.
“Their sacrifice will be honoured in the coming empire.”
N: Well, so far at least it isn’t-
“So be it. I have just got word of the Tiberian’s plan, they are currently headed to the Dragathic system to place a new device there.”
“I hope the Tiberian’s plan works.”
E:…*Sigh*. You know, the timeline in this story is really fucked. At what point did the Tiberians go into the Milky Way? How did they not know about the wormhole when they’ve gone through it in the past? Did they lose the fucking paperwork or something?
Just then an explosion sounded and several collectors came running the leader drew his weapon ready for battle.
John saw the flashes again as he saw the blank screen. He turned to the other two.
“The Prothans were trying to save as many as possible in bunker complexes but Reaper forces breached this particular one.” John said.
“Anything useful?” Liara asked.
“The leader did mention that my ancestor was placing a device in the Dragathic system but I don’t know where that is.”
C: For someone who’s supposed to be super smart he can really sound like an idiot at times. Oh look, more fighting. HARRY!
“All the girls around Cho began doing it.”
E: We’re awful.
N: This was your idea.
With no more Cerberus troops in the area the three then made their way to the pod. Shepard got down to one knee and opened it. The cover came off showing a red armoured, blue skinned Prothean.
“Goddess…” Liara exclaimed looking at the 50,000 year alien.
The frost soon vanished from it’s body but still n signs of life.
“It may take him some time to fully regain consciousness.”
The Prothean then began to stir his four eyes blinking. Soon they fully opened and he saw John, Garrus and Liara. He glowed green and blasted them away and got out of the pod.
C: Blasted them away…oh forget it I’m too tired to bring it up.
“Be care He’s confused.” Liara yelled as the Prothean tried to get away stumbled a few times before taking in the landscape with horror in his eyes.
The others got up and approached him.
“Remember it’s been 50’000 years for us but for him it’s only been…” Liara said as Shepard placed his hand on the Prothean’s shoulder.
“… a few minutes.” the leader said turning to face the green VI.
“No the bunker is falling. There is no other option.” the VI said.
“There are pods online! Those soldiers are still alive!” the leader yelled.
“Their sacrifice will be honoured in the coming empire.” the leader turned away from the VI in understanding. “Preparing the neutron bombardment. Get to your lifepod now.”
E: What am I supposed to say? I’m supposed to be reviewing From Another World, not Mass Effect 3. But that’s all this is, Mass Effect 3 with a few odds changed here and there. There’s no fucking life to it and all I can do is say that over and over again. Basically the VI has to shut down all other pods to keep Javik alive and tells him that he will be the voice of the Prothean people.
The connection between ‘Javik’ and John broke. The Prothean fell on all fours.
“How many others?” he asked in perfect English.
N: Basically when Proteans touch people they can perfectly trade memories and knowledge on the spot.
“Just you.” John said.
The Prothean gave a deep breath as he moved to his knees.
“You can understand me?” John asked in slight surprise.
“Yes, I have read your physiology, your nervous system. Enough to understand your language.”
C: Like that. And somehow he only got English from John and not a Tiberian language. And of course John landed on a colony that only spoke English because no other languages exist in the future. Thanks President Howling!
“So you where reading me while I was seeing…”
“Our last moments. Our failure.” Javik said standing.
“Your people did everything they could.” John said moving round. “They never gave up. And I could use that commitment now.”
Just then Cortez came on over the comm.
“Commander whatever you did got Cerberus pissed. They’re coming in fast.”
Javik then turned to see a Turrian and Asari walking towards them.
E: You know, they have names you know EP.
“Asari. Human. Turrian. I’m surrounded by primitives.” he said unsurprised.
“Right on two counts, wrong on one.” Garrus said.
Javik’s eyes widened and turned to face Shepard, no wonder he could not read all of this man’s physiology.
“Tiberian.” he exclaimed.
N: And somehow Javik didn’t notice this when trading memories with Shepard. Guess we needed another dun dun dun moment. Fuck this story is getting boring.