933: Magus Trigger – One Shot

Title: Magus Trigger
Author: maguslover
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Chrono Trigger
Genre: Drama / Romance
URL: Magus Trigger
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello everyone!  I know that I said we’d be looking at the next chapter of that Wheel of Fortune fic, but I’ll get to that next week instead.  Now that “of wolf and woman” is done, I decided to go looking for a one-shot.  I haven’t done any one-shots in a while.  Having just finished replaying Chrono Trigger recently, I gravitated toward that section of fanfiction.net.  We’ve only had one CT fic thus far, so it is a relatively untouched topic here in the Library.

For those who need a reminder, CT is about a guy named Crono and his troupe of friends that have to save the world by zipping back and forth in time.  Along the way you have the potential to pick up a total of seven party members.  Three of those are from your own time.  One is from the stone age, one is from medieval times, one is from the future, and the last one (an optional character, you can chose to kill him instead, although you’d be a dumb-ass not to want him in your party) is technically from a time between medieval and stone age, although due to events that you’re actually part of, he ends up stuck in the medieval time from the point of his childhood until his mid-adulthood.

This story, “Magus Trigger” is supposedly what would happen if that optional character – Magus – were actually the protagonist of the story.  It’s not a horrible concept.  But this story, being a badfic, is a horrible attempt at said concept.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, one of the first things I look for when sorting through the archives of ff.net is a summary that exudes some element of suck.  In this case, it spoke for itself.

How Magus Trigger which is how it shud be called shud ve ben.

Yup.  I knew I had a winner.  I checked the author’s profile but found absolutely nothing there that pointed at an age or gender of the author.  This is the only fic they wrote, and it was published back in October of 2013.  It appears to have been meant as a multi-chapter story, but the author gave up after three paragraphs.

And for that we are eternally grateful.

Anyway, we start off with an author’s note as poorly written and misspelled as the summary.

AN I do not own Chrono Trigger if i did it wuld be called
Magus Trigger lol so tats wat my story is called an if u
dont liek Magus then get the hell out of here

What the hell is it with Chrono Trigger fanfics with abnormal formatting?!  The one that Taco did also went all funky on the formatting.

Now I can’t speak for everyone, but Magus has always been one of my favorite characters in CT, along with Ayla.  Despite his questionable fashion sense –

Leather underwear over purple pants, and a red cape.  Really?

Leather underwear over purple pants, and a red cape. Really?

– he’s quite a powerful character, especially with magic.  He can do some decent physical damage with his scythe, too, if you have the right accessories equipped and pump him full of the CT equivalent of steroids: Power Tabs.

So, my point is that I don’t see why people wouldn’t like Magus, at least as a solid addition to the party.  I guess some people might be all pissy about him having killed off Frog’s mentor and turned Frog into a frog.  Plus he’s not exactly the nicest guy.  He’s totally emo-angsty, too.  Tragic backstory champion.  But at least he isn’t whiny.

Frog in his frog form, for those who are completely lost.  He used to be human.  Now he's a frog... human... thing.

Frog in his frog form, for those who are completely lost. He used to be human. Now he’s a frog… human… thing.

Anyway, let’s get to the meat of fic, shall we?

Chapter 1

Thank goodness it never made it past this number.

I was at the melenim fair just like Crono and Marle and
whatever all the stuped preps but who carew when Lucca
opened the tepelorter to sow everybody she told me not
Crono because hes a stupid prep and hes to studpid to even
talk or nething and marle is a total cherleader slut and
this totally isn’t about them ok becaus i lucca is ny best
fruend.

What the fuck did I just read?  *rubs her eyes with the heels of her palms*

Did maguslover just channel the spirit of Tara Gilesbie?!

So our first-person narrator was at the fair that starts the game off.  Why do I keep doing fics written in first person?  *groans*

Anyway, Lucca, the inventor, has been claimed as our POV’s best friend.  POV hates “preps” and thinks the main characters of the game are stupid.  It makes me question their true liking of the game if they hate the main characters.  Did they play it only for the ten hours worth of having Magus in the party?  Seems a bit of a stretch.

neway. so lucca called me like hey get over here
gurl i need a modle for our show because lucca is smrt and
so am i and we beult teh teleptrer togetrher but she loks
like a total nerd but i am hot at least thats what everyne
tels me but i never would say so.

Well, I guess that word-barf clears up that our POV isn’t Magus.  It’s a girl that is apparently “smrt” and hot.  The writing speaks for itself on how “smrt” she really is.

And if you’d never say you were hot, then why did you say you’re hot?  We’ve run into a classic “hot-character-that-is-so-not-hot-but-is.”  It’s not quite a Pretty Ugly Girl, but close.

so anteyway we agreed i
wodl do the modellin for the show so everone wuold com an
wathc.

What in the world would need to be modeled for the demonstration?  Is she dressed like a teleporter?

She's the one of the right.  The metal umbrella really brings out the blue of her platform.

She’s the one of the right. The metal umbrella really brings out the blue of her platform.

In the game there was no need to use sexiness to draw a crowd to Lucca’s teleporter invention.  The town was all very aware of Lucca’s penchant for inventing.  That in itself was the draw… for all three people that showed up.

For the millineum fair i wore a shrot black lether
miniskrt wht thigh hig lether boots that wer all coverd in
strasp and buclkes and zippesr and others badass looking
goffik stuf f an the boots have 6 inhc heel but i am real
good at walkin in heels ok?

Is it bad that I can read through all this with perfect clarity?  Fucking My Immortal.

No one was questioning your ability to walk in stripper boots, Nameless Gothic Sue.  I can walk in boots in 6-inch heels if I wanted to, but my arches would hate me.  I usually top it off at about 4-inch heels.

I also wor a black lether bra

That sound incredibly uncomfortable.  Can you imagine the boob-sweat?

wth cainmail over top of it becua se i am th best fighter
in the while vilage so i m alwasy redy to figt.

What-the-hell, indeed.  You’re wearing chain mail over a bra?  Do you realize how much pinching and chafing that is going to cause?  Your  boobs will be protected by the leather, but the rest of your upper body is going to hate you.

oh an
black lether gloves that go althe way up my arm an have
claws on them.

This is a thing?

This is a thing?

You wear this all the time?  The fuck is wrong with you?!  You realize how hard it will be to function with claws on the end of your gloves?  I had to wear long, fake nails for a friend’s wedding a couple years ago and I was useless until I was able to pull them off.

all teh black clthe s look really good
aganst my pale white skin and my black hair is so balck
tath it shiney in the sun but i like it better int he dark
bettr.

*A-WHOOOOO-GAH!  A-WHOOOOO-GAH!*

Shit.  They found the redundancy in that?  I was hoping it would be too non-nonsensical for them to notice.  Welp, let’s get down to business…

*grabs her sledgehammer and heads out the door*

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MOTHERFUCKERS!

effect-bubbles-ooof-zwosh-ka-boom-pow-vector-illustration-four-colorful-32796175

oh an my eyes are brug ht purple which is why my
name is Amythest liek a presus gem my mom named me that
befure she died an thas why me an lucca are fruedns ecause
w e both have dead moms and are supre smart.

*hefts the sledgehammer*

Just pretend this is a woman.

Just pretend this is a woman and the rock is maguslover

Have you ever even played the fucking game?!

Lucca’s mother’s name is Lara.  If you even had an ounce of RPG-ability, you’d know that if you’re playing a game, especially one you’ve never played before, that you explore every.fucking.place accessible to your character.  In Chrono Trigger, that would include Lucca’s house.  And if you bothered going up the right-hand stairwell in her house, you’d find, guess who!  HER. MOTHER. Who is not dead.  At all.

Lara’s mother is a paraplegic.  She is unable to walk due to an accident when Lucca was a little girl.  But she’s still alive and well, if depressed by her inability to get around on her own.

luccasmom

There is even an optional side-quest you can do (it will potentially change the end-scene depending on which ending you get [there are 12 of them.  And yes, I did just use a parenthetical inside a parenthetical]) that will send Lucca back in time to the day of her mother’s accident.  If you input Lara’s name into the machine, it will save her and she’ll never lost her ability to walk.  The only thing it alters is that Lucca’s mother will be at the party at the end of the game instead of still sitting at home.  But it does give you a warm, fuzzy feeling that you’ve improved an NPCs life.

fiona10

She was never dead.

so lucca called me and told mecome ovr now and so i did
but first i stoped and bugjt the badass swurd fron the guy
fron a difere nt tim cause i ben in so nany fights an i
awyas won so i had a lot of gold so i can buy whatevr i
want.

How did she call you?  There are no telephones in Chrono Trigger.  Did she just stand on her porch and holler?

Now, having played the game I know that “the guy fron a difere nt tim” means Melchior.  He’s one of the “gurus” from Magus’ time (12,000BC).  He was sent forward in time to 1000AD (current time in the game) when Magus was sent to 600AD, in the event I alluded to earlier in this riff.  With no way to get back to his own time, he set up shop as a maker of fine swords and was at the fair at the beginning of the game, selling an okay-quality sword that is nothing compared to what you’ll get later on in the game.  If Amythest is such a good fighter and has so much money, why is she wasting it on a mediocre sword?

so i ptu on my new swrd and i wen t to the
teleprtos an did NOT sotp for candy cus that is so studpd
and only dumb props an cherleders stop for candy

A brief mention of this since those who haven’t played the game are going to be like, “WTF does she have against candy?”

In the game, you run into “Marle” at the fair and agree to show her around, since she’s not exactly from around there.  As you’re about to head to Lucca’s teleporter demonstration, she asks to stop for some candy at a vendor.  You get to stand there for 30 seconds while she makes her selection.  This is important in that trying to walk away makes you look bad when you’re later put on trial for kidnapping her.  I’m guessing our author is annoyed because she failed the simple task of “not being in such a goddamn rush” and was found guilty of kidnapping.

Not that it really matters… even if you get the perfect score from the jury (I’ve done it before, it’s possible to be found unanimously innocent) you’ll still get put in jail and sentenced to death because the chancellor is actually a creepy multi-legged hamster who is just a dick.

and sid
hi to Lucca nd her dad and he was freked out like usal
cause he has add or sometin an he alwaus run arund and
sounting but lucca hugnd me luke heyg url aryou ready liek
evrybudy fron the hole town is her. an i huged he back
like hel yeh gurl les do ths!

Wow… way to make Lucca sound like an empty-headed ditz.

AN i hope u lik my story so far i will write mroe soon lol
pls reviw thaks

Oh thank god!  I don’t think this will ever be continued since it seems to have been composed by a parakeet on a keyboard.  At least it was gloriously short.  Until next week!

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93 Comments on “933: Magus Trigger – One Shot”

  1. leobracer says:

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

    The spelling!! The Spelling!!! It Burns us!!! It Burns-

    *Disintegrates into ashes, respawns*

    Okay! Who the hell installed a stripper Nazi Uniform respawn point in the library?

  2. SC says:

    and
    whatever all the stuped preps

    stuped preps

    stuped preps

    OH GOD.

  3. SC says:

    because lucca is smrt and
    so am i

    Blatant lies.

    and we beult teh teleptrer togetrher

    *Bifocals scoffs derisively*

  4. SC says:

    but i am hot at least thats what everyne
    tels me but i never would say so.

    Sports Shades: Nor would I, toots. And anybody who DOES is clearly lying.

  5. SC says:

    For the millineum fair i wore a shrot black lether
    miniskrt wht thigh hig lether boots that wer all coverd in
    strasp and buclkes and zippesr and others badass looking
    goffik stuf f an the boots have 6 inhc heel but i am real
    good at walkin in heels ok?

    http://rs113.pbsrc.com/albums/n236/a_pop_can/GSTCz.jpg~320×480

  6. SC says:

    wth cainmail over top of it becua se i am th best fighter
    in the while vilage so i m alwasy redy to figt.

    Chainmail bra because you’re always ready to fight?

    PFFFFFFFFFT!

    Somebody needs to get Ert in here, man. I’d love to rip this one up myself, but I feel like I, alone, would not be sufficient enough to hammer the point home.

  7. SC says:

    but first i stoped and bugjt the badass swurd

    Specs: try all you like, author, your little toothpick will never be a match for my Kewl Sward.

    You’re still gonna steal it out of the fic, though, aren’t you?

    Specs: Hell yeah, I am! A sword is a sword, and if it’s not in my awesome collection, it’s a lonely sword!

    *Specs yanks the Badass Swurd out of the Sue’s hands with an agency claw*

    Specs: Nice.

    • SC says:

      If Amythest is such a good fighter and has so much money, why is she wasting it on a mediocre sword?

      *Specs’ newly acquired Badass Swurd morphs into Mediocre Badass Swurd*

      Specs: See? Told you it could never match my Kewl Sward.

      You’re still keeping it, though, aren’t you?

      Specs: Of course I am! It’s my Badass Swurd now, isn’t it?

      But it’s Mediocre quality.

      Specs: No sword is unfixable where the Co. is concerned. I was a smith’s apprentice for years, and I know Bifocals can cook up something awesome. Get Booky in on the mix, and Sportsy and his obsession with cool sword designs, maybe Monocle to guide us in the right direction for making this thing whoop ass, and we’ve got the best possible team for upgrading. We’ll give this sword the love and care it deserves, bet your ass on that.

  8. So our first-person narrator was at the fair that starts the game off. Why do I keep doing fics written in first person? *groans*

    :shrugs:

    I dunno; probably the same reason I keep finding fics with POV Tags. They’re all over the frickin’ place.

  9. AHHHH!!! BLACK LEATHER COSTUME PORN!!!!

    :hides under bed:

  10. The Crowbar says:

    Mein Gott, the grammar of this monstrosity…

  11. infinity421 says:

    >Prep
    >Misspelled as ‘prop’

    Also, I believe I may have found a Library-worthy fic but it’s such misanthropic garbage that I honestly can’t bring myself to read any more to see if it really is Library-worthy.

    • SC says:

      Well, we’ve already got two of those from EP, so – and I know I’ll regret saying this – how bad could it be?

      • :smacks SC with a rolled-up newspaper:

        DON’T SAY THAT!

      • infinity421 says:

        It’s pretty bad. It’s called “Philosopher of Earth” – or “Philosper (sic) of Earth” as it was named at one point.

        It’s a self-insert of a whiny, misanthropic cunt. The author behaves like a whiny, misanthropic cunt in the comments, which he got called out for. The main character does no ‘philosophizing’ besides whine about how terrible humans are.
        And the worst part is that it’s a Pony-fic. On Fimfiction.

        Yeah.

      • SC says:

        Oof.

        Somebody else can have it, I’m not touching it.

      • I’ve got a few fics in the pipe, but I wouldn’t mind taking a look.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh God.

        A Human in Equestria misanthropic piece of shit.

        I’m a frequent visitor of Fimfiction, and a (relatively recent) big fan of My Little Pony, so I wouldn’t mind tearing it a new asshole.

        …Or two…

        By the by…

        That name seems awfully familiar. I think I’ve seen it before!

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hmm, the fic seems to be gone…

        Atleast it didn’t show up in the search…

      • The Crowbar says:

        I would like a link please, because I can’t find it anymore, not even in the fanfic groups dedicated to these kinds of fics.

      • infinity421 says:

        Ze linking is more revarding than ze hurting:

        http://www.fimfiction.net/story/217543/philosopher-of-earth

        You may want a stress toy on hand. Or possibly my cat, to stroke very vigorously.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Okay, yeah. If no one else wants to touch this, I could take it.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Raises hand uncertainly*

        So, uh’…

        What’s the verdict on this fic?

      • I haven’t had a chance to browse through it, but if you want it you can have it. I’ve plenty to keep me busy.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Grabs fic by the neck and drags it to a dark corner in the Library, while whispering:*

        Your ass is mine…

      • The Crowbar says:

        And the cherry on top: I read the comments, and the Author excused the human’s misanthropic tendencies like this:

        And yes, I honestly did expect this much hate, and posted this story anyway. Why? Because this is a STORY. Stories have plot, they have dynamic characters, they have problems to overcome and conquer. Characters MUST grow. Characters MUST have flaws. Say what you will about the fic. Be it “OMG wat skrub” or “techncally a philosopher is one who understands and accepts human nature.”; but know that I’ve already thought of all your concerns, and the plot addresses EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
        but… but…
        No jimmy, it explains, answers, and is an integral part of the plot-line. Without those flaws, this would be ANOTHER perfect human character interacting with MORE perfect characters. And quite frankly, perfectionism is boring. If you disagree then get the hell out. Nothing is perfect and only a fool would think so; which quite honestly, includes the majority of the commenters.

        Oh God, I’m sorry for the wall…

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    This… this isn’t even writing. It’s like somebody ate My Immortal, Of Wolf And Woman, and Parallel Realities, and then vomited onto a page.

  13. Delta XIII says:

    That sound incredibly uncomfortable. Can you imagine the boob-sweat?

    …Goddamnit, I just had a train of thought, and now all I can think about is boobs!
    I hope you’re happy.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    Can you imagine the boob-sweat?

    GAH! Mah brain!

  15. […] we’re back to the odd formatting issues.  What is it with CT fics and weird […]


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