931: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored – Chapter Four, Part Three

Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Author: MrAwesomeMattyDA
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Adventure/Humor
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Teh Specs, Book Specs and The Guardian

Specs: Hey, guys! It’s me, Teh Specs! So, that SC guy is away at the moment, said he was going to celebrate being made the newest Librarian by eating a shitload of pizza, and he told me that if he wasn’t back by the time this riff went up, that I was to recite this message he left for you all.

*Book Specs hands Specs a note*

Specs: It reads, and I quote, “Hello, patrons, this is SC here, and I’ve gotten an upgrade from my guest-riffer status” – and then it shows a picture of him swapping out his glasses for some really stereotypical librarian ones, you know, the ones that have the little chain and look all ovally and such – And then the letter continues, “I am now SC: THE LIBRARIAN!” And then there’s some side-note where he expresses that he probably could have found a pair of librarian glasses that weren’t quite so grandmotherly. I don’t disagree, he’s wearing these fuchsia-colored things that are studded around the rims with cheapo little rhinestones and shit.

Anyhow, so, that’s the note, and with that, I can get to finishing off chapter four of this turkey. Tales of Vesperia, Blastia Something-Such-Or-Other, by that dumbass Tai.

*Booky pokes Specs in the arm*

Specs: Oh, uh, my bad, by that dumbass Matty. I don’t want to spend too long on a recap, so let’s just list the basics: Some Immortal guy showed up and learned what it is to have his ears bleed from dubstep. Also, Tai did some fancy bullshit Arte that almost killed Estelle and was highly unnecessary to use, and then it came out that his Artes relied entirely on blastia, meaning that he shouldn’t even be able to use them in the first place, because the blastia are destroyed. Now, there WAS supposed to be another Immortal guy here, but for some reason he didn’t show up or I can’t find him or whatever, and I really want to get this done so we can get to the next chapter, so if he does show up, I’ll apologi-

*Booky pokes Specs in the arm again*

Specs: Huh?


Specs: Gah! Shit, for how huge you are, you’re a sneaky guy, you know that?

The Guardian:

*Booky adjusts his glasses informatively*

Specs: Not a heavy speaker? Oh, well that certainly sounds familiar. Hey, buddy, have these flash cards – they have images on them that’ll help you express your thoughts on riffs so you don’t have to talk a whole bunch.

*The Guardian takes the flash cards silently*

Specs: Right, so Booky has his flash cards, big guy has his flash cards, I’ve got my Kewl Sward, and we’re all set to go!

Skit – Just wonderin’


Book Specs: Rude

Raven: (neutral face) Hey, Estelle. Can I ask you a question? It’s about Tai.

Specs: “Do you ever get the feeling he, I dunno, looks more like a Stu to you?”

Estelle: (neutral face) Of course. What is it?

Specs: “There’s not a mosquito on my face, is there?”

*The Guardian blinks quizzically and reaches over to smack Specs’ face*

Specs: Hey man, I was joking.

*The Guardian nods understandingly and sits back*

The Guardian: 2349886_orig

Specs: It’s cool, no harm done.

Raven: It seems the kid is a lot better than he’s letting on when it comes to fightin’.

*The Guardian chokes and tries to fight back a mean-spirited laugh*

Specs: I know that feel, bro.

He says that he was from Halure. Are ya sure that’s true?

Specs: I’m sorry, is there any other city in Terca Lumereis centered around a giant sakura tree?

Estelle: Yes. According to not only him, but the mayor of Halure and some of the people I talked to in the city as well.

Specs: And, you know, the fact that Estelle met him IN HALURE. Bit of a detail, that.

Tai has lived for over ten years there, training himself for fighting.

Specs: Fat lot of good that’s done him. I barely remember most of my old swordsmanship lessons, and I’m still better suited for the task than he’ll ever be.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses factually*

Specs: The Guardian is a self-taught swordsman? Well, I guess if you’re immortal, you’ve got all the time in the world to teach yourself through trial and error, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses, unimpressed*

Specs: Oh! That’s right, we’re immortal too. I forgot.

Book Specs: woman-slaps-man

It’s also obvious since when we first left Halure, he was trembling and looked really nervous.

Specs: Well, when you hop up on meth before you set out on an adventure, you kind of bring it on yourself, you know?

Raven: Hmmm… Tremblin’ with fear… (head tilts to the right, smiling) or tremblin’ with excitement?

Estelle: (looks surprised) Huh?

Raven: The kid told me once you were talkin’ with Flynn, he was ecstatic ta be outside of Halure for the first time. He said he’d like ta go explorin’ more, but he’s right now too cautious.

Estelle: So… are you implying…?

Raven: Yep. Maybe the kid was trainin’ so he could take off someday.

Specs: Or maybe he was stifled from having lived in Halure, pretty as it is, for ten years? I mean, I enjoyed working with a group, but I set out on my own because I had gotten bored with the whole teamwork system of doing things.

And you can see how well THAT worked out for me.

Except, not nearly as formal, and the guy had a big fucking axe instead of a sword.

Except, not nearly as formal, and the guy had a big fucking axe instead of a sword.

Estelle: Really? (looks down, sad) Then why did he react so angrily when the mayor said he needed to come with me to see Flynn?

Raven: (looks up to the right, thinking face) Huh. I wonder myself…

Specs: Because he’s an ornery little shit, what more do you need to know?

Here’s my secret to how I survive these kinds of fics, readers – once I realize how stupid the plot is, I physically stop caring about it, so Tai’s little character arc means nothing to me.


Skit – Stick together

Specs: Well, if Tai, Raven and Estelle all land on the same spike, that won’t be much of a problem, will it?

maxresdefault (1)

Estelle: (overjoyed) I’m so excited to be able to go back into Zaphias. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to see the castle and the quarters! And I can’t wait to see Yuri and Repede again!

Specs: I thought Estelle left the castle behind in order to explore the world because she was stifled by her boring day-to-day royal life? Now she wants to go back? What, did she get bored of life outside already?

Tai: (head moves down, the shadows covers his eyes, his mouth covered by his hoodie)

Specs: Oh boy, what’s Broody Skulking-Scowl getting grumpy about this time?

*Book Specs and The Guardian share a quizzical look*

Specs: Listen, they can’t all be winners.

Raven: (eyes narrow, unimpressed face) Looks like the kid isn’t really all that anxious to be goin’ into the city.

Specs: We have spent four chapters explaining Tai’s problem over and over again. We get it. He hates big crowds. Can we please stop bringing it up now?

Estelle: (looks surprised) Huh? Tai?


Raven: Hey, now, (looks up to the right, thinking face) I catch his drift. (head tilts to the right, smiling) He’s nervous because since he doesn’t like bein’ in large groups of people. So, he’s not lookin’ forward to this whatsoever.

Specs: Yeah. And the audience knows this already. In fact, we figured it out when it was brought up the first time.

Estelle: (neutral face) It’s gonna be okay, Tai. We’re going to the lower quarter of Zaphias. That has the least amount of people there.

Tai: (neutral face) Oh?

Specs: WHY would you foist Tai upon the poor Lower Quarter residents?! They get harassed by the guards about tax payments they can’t afford, even with most of them working odd jobs for cheap pay, they get lowest-priority pick of the resources out of all the Quarters of the city, they live next to the SEWAGE RUNOFF, and they can barely afford to maintain a decent-looking fountain with the sum of all their scrap change combined, don’t they suffer enough already?!

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses in disappointment*

Specs: I’m with Booky – what a terrible way to reunite with Yuri and Repede, making the Lower Quarter folks miserable like that!

The Guardian: shame on you

Raven: (neutral face) Yup. Just a quick walk through the public quarter and then you’re home free.

Specs: Raven, you’ve BEEN to Zaphias. There’s an entrance to the city from the Royal Quarter, the Citizens’ Quarter AND the Lower Quarter, you don’t HAVE to drag Tai through the middle of town. (Also, don’t ask me about the fourth Quarter, it never gets brought up in-game. Although, if you go to the Citizens’ Quarter, you can very clearly see a large market in the background, so I’d assume it’s probably called the Market Quarter or something.)

*Booky adjusts his glasses in approval*

Specs: “I’m starting to sound like SC?” What are you talking about?

Don’t worry; as long as ya stick near ol’ Raven and the princess, ya got nothin’ to worry about.

Specs: It’s Tai. He’ll make something to worry about.

Estelle: We promise we’ll help you if you get shaken up, Tai.

Specs: Leaving him for dead in a runoff reservoir is kind of like helping him, right?

Tai: (smiles) Thank you, guys.


Specs: “…For shoving me into those spikes.”

Man, the huge hustle and bustle of the public quarter shot through the headphones… the people walking so close to him, the fact he felt crushed by people being everywhere, the people… he couldn’t like this at all.

Specs: Oh, hey there Zaphias, what’s up? Also, I hate the narrative tone Matty suddenly decided to take. Not to mention that there’s a redundan- oh.

*Alarms Bla-*

*The Guardian casts a warning glare at the alarm*


Specs: Ain’t it nice, having a big guy in the room who can shut everybody up just by being here?

*Booky adjusts his glasses in agreement*

Despite that Raven was behind him and Estelle was to his left, he felt just invaded and rotten.

Specs: You played that terrible Riana Rouge FMV game on the way, didn’t you, Tai?

He dug his hands into his pockets as the hood’s shadow once again covered his face. A groan came from him as they got to the middle.

Specs: The middle of what?

*Book Specs shrugs*

*The Guardian holds up a flash card*


Specs: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that they overshot Zaphias by a few worlds.


Specs: If that don’t sound like zombies, nothing does!

*Book Specs’ eye twitches*

Specs: Yeah, I know, I got war flashbacks of untold zombie chronicels too.

“Tai…” Estelle said, really noticing the teen wasn’t joking about hating public areas.

Specs: Picked that up, didja? It took six mentions and an isolated example to finally get the point across to you?

“So noisy… so clustered… I hate this…” he muttered.

Specs: *yawn* Read it before, no news here.

“Wow, the kid’s not jokin’,” Raven said, raising an eye at the teen slouching posture and the fact he quickly reached for his headphones, “He REALLY hates places with lots of people.”

Specs: Got any good reads on you, Booky? I get the feeling this is gonna go on for a while.

*Book Specs rummages around in his satchel and comes up with an incredibly thick book about transmutation*

Specs: Ooh, big words. I’ma need more thinky-space…

*Specs removes all manners of blades, from butcher knives to a pair of Spada Lunga longswords, to even a highly complex and improbable crescent moon-shaped sawblade with two hilts adorned with rings from his head and lays them out on the floor*

Dangerously Intelligent!Specs: Because I would sooner be damned than put a scratch on any of these in any situation other than open combat. Now let’s see that book.

*Dangerously Intelligent!Specs snags the book from the thunderstruck Book Specs’ hand and flips through all the pages with one-second intervals*

Dangerously Intelligent!Specs: I’m assuming you didn’t write this book, because I counted no less than three hundred and twenty-four egregious errors in the overarching theory behind the method; especially of note is the chapter on transmuting lead to gold, particularly the fifth paragraph, where the author makes the crass assumption that melting the lead down and mixing it with gold leaf would be a suitable substitute for the real act. I see now why you were made the Grand Royal Archmage; those jokers will never figure it out…

Book Specs: tumblr_mxyv0mDc661sl35g2o3_400

*The Guardian blinks in clear shock*

Dangerously Intelligent!Specs: Well, that’ll be enough of that. Better get back to the riff before I start getting comfortable and forget about it.

*Dangerously Intelligent!Specs puts the book back in the unconscious Booky’s hands and returns all the weaponry back to his memory*

Specs: Whoa, headrush! Hey, what do you guys think green smells like?

*The Guardian holds up a flashcard*


Specs: Seems legit to me!

“Damn it… not even my music and headphones can drown out this horrible noise of people talking…” Tai grumbled as he glared out of his hood and to the two, “Can we please get to the lower dime or whatever you called it now?”

Specs: Wow, in all of two sentences, Tai has just offended literally all of the Lower Quarter. That may well be a record.

“The lower quarter is right down that pathway,” Estelle said, pointing towards a ramp that lead down away from the public quarter, “Follow me, Tai. We’ll get you out of here.”

“Okay…” Tai said slowly as the three started to make their way towards the lower quarter.


Specs: And by, “out of here,” Estelle of course means “out of the public eye where you can’t hurt anybody anymore.” At least, in my mind, she does.

And Raven joins the party!

Specs: No shit. Did he really. I would never have FUCKING NOTICED!

*Book Specs un-faints and grabs his staff*


Specs: Ow! Look, it’s not my fault that this fic is treating me like a bigger idiot than everybody already thinks I am!

I won’t really go into the Tales of character artes, only the original.

Specs: Original? As in, the ORIGINAL TALES GAME’S ARTES? Because that’s still a LOT of Artes – Cress Albane, alone, has thirty-two Artes, and it doesn’t help that his Artes are considered the archetypal Artes for almost EVERY SINGLE SWORDSMAN in the series henceforth.

By the way, Cress Albane looks a lot like I used to back when I was a mercenary - with less armor, a cape and blonde hair, of course, but otherwise quite similar.

By the way, Cress Albane looks a lot like I used to back when I was a mercenary – with less armor, a cape and blonde hair, of course, but otherwise quite similar.

I also know a video link of Patty’s artes, so if anyone wants to know what they look like, PM me and I can tell.

Specs: This would be because Patty doesn’t show up in the 360 version of the game, so many of Matty’s supposed American audience wouldn’t know about her. Why he’s bringing her Artes up before he’s even introduced her properly to the story, I don’t even begin to know.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this and hold your breath; Yuri and Repede are right around the corner for entering the story!

Specs: I’m only holding my breath because I dread what unspeakable things you’ve done to their poor souls.

So, we’re finally done with that! Now, I’m pretty much clear for a while to get back to helping SC with riffing, so I should probably gear up to jump back into that Fire Emblem fic. But that’s later. For now, see you guys later!

*Book Specs pokes Specs’ arm*

Specs: What’s up?

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses inquisitively*

Specs: Oh, yeah! Thanks for stopping by, big guy! You were a trooper!

*The Guardian holds up a flash card*


Specs: Oh, you’re too modest.


50 Comments on “931: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored – Chapter Four, Part Three”

  1. leobracer says:

    The PS3 version of Vesperia can rot in hell for all I care.

    It should never have been made in the first place.

  2. ObsidianNoir says:

    So…Don’t call me crazy…but I think Tai may have a little problem with crowds…just a little feeling.
    Okay, seriously now, how many times was that “character trait” mentioned by now? I mean, one of my characters also has a similiar problem, but i try to only mention it when necessary (Dunno if i’m sucessful with that).

    • SC says:

      Seriously, I was actually groaning every time I saw it get mentioned again when I was writing this.


      • ObsidianNoir says:

        What’s worse is that it sounds like he hates people talking (which makes no sense considering he seems to like to talk to the MCs). Going by that logic, he should have ripped out his ear drums already by now.

      • SC says:

        I mean, sure, the drone of large crowds can be a bit oppressive for a backwoods kind of kid, but the folks in Zaphias’ Citizen Quarter aren’t even that noisy or tightly packed for how big the city is. You can literally jog in between them with enough space to avoid bumping into somebody.

        Tai’s just a little whiny bitch, through and through.

  3. I don’t disagree, he’s wearing these fuchsia-colored things that are studded around the rims with cheapo little rhinestones and shit.



  4. :sniffles:

    Poor Ned. Joffrey is an asshole!

    • SC says:

      I tried to find a different picture of somebody getting decapitated – like Alucard – but Uncle Google kept giving me some pretty gruesome results, so I just decided to go with one I knew wouldn’t be quite as gory, but would still get the point of how Specs died in his first life across.

      (Actually, if you haven’t yet, I’ve got three of the Specs and Co. Added into the Barracks draft right now that you can read, they’ve got some fairly detailed backstories for joke characters.)

  5. Guys, do any of you know what language this is?

    Wǒ hūyù shìjiè zhī jiān de jùdà hónggōu dùlún wǒ zǒu

    I used google translate for a story, but now I don’t remember what language I used and their detect language gives me nothing.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Specs: Yeah, I know, I got war flashbacks of untold zombie chronicels too.


    *Runs out of the room*

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Raven: It seems the kid is a lot better than he’s letting on when it comes to fightin’.


  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Estelle: We promise we’ll help you if you get shaken up, Tai.

    And ten seconds later, the princess was executed for treason. Thanks, Tai.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “So noisy… so clustered… I hate this…” he muttered.

    *opens a portal to Miami, shoves Tai in there*


    *walks off cackling like a madman*

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Why he’s bringing her Artes up before he’s even introduced her properly to the story, I don’t even begin to know.

    Because this:

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