930: Zombie Smurfs: Class I Outbreak – Oneshot

 

Title: Zombie Smurfs: Class I Outbreak
Author: Nigel Yearning
Media: TV Show/Movie
Topic:  The Smurfs
Genre: Parody
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat 

 

Blessed greetings, dear Patrons!

I’m here with another short little oneshot to delight and amuse my darlings. And, as our observant Patrons may have deduced from the fic’s title, it features zombie Smurfs!

Because no childhood refuge is safe from the undead scourge.

This author is actually an old “friend” of the Library, Addicted Reader riffed one of their other fics (this particular author has penned forty Smurfs fics) way back in the early days of the Library when the author went by the name Antrodextorm. This one is much shorter, but makes about as much sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters

:sigh:

I do not know why authors feel this disclaimer is required. Of course you don’t own the characters, it’s frickin’ fanfiction! If you did own them it would just be plain ol’ fiction.

Claimer: I only own characters that are “NOT” in the Smurfs comic, tv series, and movie.

:blinks:

I don’t even … Wha?

This is going to be fun. To the fic!

“POP! POP! POP! POP!”

:jumps:

Did someone sit on my bubble wrap again?!? That’s for therapeutic purposes only!

The sounds of gunfire rang out over the Smurf Village, this was common for the village to hear in months.

Gunfire.

In the Smurf Village.

And it’s a common occurrence.

There’s just something intrinsically wrong with that.

Papa Smurf tries to cover his ears from the rounds of gunfire as he lies in bed, luckily the sun was just coming up and it presented a rude awakening for the village.

What kind of inconsiderate hunter is firing off a weapon that close to town at that hour? And if it’s that loud then you better hope you hit something because all the game has just been spooked off.

The only smurf with guns was Chernov, a slightly taller, bright green smurf that wears a camouflaged hat, jacket, and pants with black shoes.

:waves:

Hello, grossly out-of-canon OC! You’ve even got a special little outfit to wear, I see! I bet you’re a Stu.

Apparently there’s a very small “green Smurf” fandom. Who knew?

Since he’s part human and is raised by a human, he behaves differently than the smurfs.

Yeah, the clothing, skin tone, and weaponry kind of points to him being different from the others. I can pick up on subtle clues like that.

Also – the hell are you talking about? He’s part human? Even if they are genetically compatible, which I doubt they are, Smurfs are tiny in comparison to a human. How would that coupling work? And what race when mixed with Smurf blue would give the offspring bright green skin?

And finally – unless there’s a human currently living with him, then Chernov was raised by a human. Get your tenses right.

Being genetically engineered in all, he is more robust and less emotional than the smurfs.

Oh, he’s a test tube baby. That makes slightly more sense – not much, but a little. But who made him? Gargamel couldn’t have done it, he uses magic, not science. And I’m still not sure how you would gestate the result or in what ratio of human plus smurf resulted in green. I’ll concede the “more robust” part, since humans are bigger and stronger than smurfs, but what the hell is this nonsense about being engineered to be less emotional? That sounds more like behavioral modifications, not genetics.

“POP! POP” rang more gunfire, “POP! DING!”

:ducks:

Dude, stop shooting! If you didn’t hit anything with the first couple of shots then you’ve lost your chance. Settle down and go look for more game.

That sound is coming from Chernov’s M1 Garand, the smurfs often seen him using it awhile he’s hunting.

He has a rifle – not only a rifle, but a known model and not some fantasy gun? Where did it come from? It couldn’t have been Gargamel; the wizard doesn’t have the tech savvy to create rifles of any size. Did Chernov, or the unknown human who raised him, somehow manufacture a rifle of an appropriate size as well as cartridges for it? Either way there are problems since letting Chernov craft it would require knowledge of the weapon’s design schematics and an entire miniature workshop of woodworking and metalworking equipment, while manufacturing the gear for him means he’s reliant on this now-vanished human.  What is he going to do if it breaks or he runs out of ammunition – which is very likely given how terrible a shot he is.

He lives in a forest; it would have made much more sense for him to learn how to make and use a bow and arrows. Quieter, too.

Bringing home kills and butchering it and cooking it, his diet is very unusual.

Not by human standards, and he is supposed to be part human.

What exactly is he hunting? The Smurfs don’t have refrigeration so he’d have to stick with game that he could eat within a day or so (maybe longer if it’s cold out or he preserves the leftovers in some way) or it would spoil. That limits him to small rodents, small birds, possibly some baby animals of larger species if he doesn’t mind sneaking into a well-protected den to steal a larger animal’s young, and small snakes. He could also eat fish or insect larvae, but they aren’t all that hard to kill so that wouldn’t really give him a chance to show off his rifle.

Smurfs usually do not include meat in their diets, mostly Smurf Berries and Bread with a bit of milk and such.

The Smurfs have no domesticated animals – where does the milk come from? That’s actually something that’s bugged me from the canon; where does Baker Smurf get the milk and eggs and sugar to make cakes and other baked goods?

However, Chernov eats more meat than other smurfs.

Which wouldn’t be hard to do since they are vegetarians or possibly vegans. Any meat he eats, no matter how little, would be more than they eat.

And since he burns a lot of calories, he needs to go out into the forest and hunt for his meal.

Dude, most of those calories you are burning are from tramping through the woods hunting every day. Besides, protein and carbohydrates have the same number of calories – four per gram. If you really want a lot of calories you should ferment some of those berries – alcohol has seven calories per gram – or churn up some of that milk and make butter since fat has a whopping nine calories per gram.

With Chernov firing his weapon within the Smurf Village, this scares the smurfs and annoys them at the same time.

Wait, he’s not hunting? He’s just randomly firing his rifle – at dawn – in the middle of the village for no reason?

What an asshole.

They’ve seen the destructive power of bullets, they do not want to be shot by him.

Destructive power? :snerk: Time for some math, my Patrons!

The Garand is forty-three and a half inches long, which is roughly sixty percent of the height of an average seventy-two inch (six-foot) tall man. I can’t find a definitive height on the average Smurf, in the movies they are supposedly seven and a half inches tall while most other sources put the height at only three inches. Using the same height to weapon ratio of sixty percent, that scaled down rifle would be either four and half inches long or a miniscule one and eight-tenths inches long. That would make the cartridges roughly the size of a grain of rice (or a grain of sand) and they would contain only a smidge of primer, a few particles of gunpowder, and a tiny bit of lead.

I don’t know at what size a bullet becomes unfeasibly small, mostly because I don’t feel like doing that much math, nor do I have quite the amount of experience with firearms that some of my colleagues do – but luckily I have my fellow Librarians! I’ve discussed the matter in the Secret Clubhouse with SC and we both find the idea ludicrous while resident math-guru Taco has this to add;

“It’s not viable for many, many reasons. The most obvious is the way the chemistry of the gunpowder changes as you drastically alter the surface area to volume. Suffice to say it would be unlikely to be able to fire in the first place due to the difference in chemical ratios. Also, the weight of the bullet at that size would mean that its momentum would be extremely low and the kinetic energy would be essentially non-existent. A bullet with those properties would have a hard time penetrating the air let alone a target at range.”

So essentially, a box of these little paper snappers would do more damage than Chernov’s rifle – the box, not the snappers.

They wouldn’t put the warning on it if someone hadn’t tried to do it.

The box at least has sharp corners that could put someone’s eye out.

“POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, DING!”

:THWACK!:

Seriously – stop it.

The rapid fire finally causes Papa Smurf to snap and he shot out of bed and go directly straight

:sirens blare:

Crapcakes! I forgot to recharge my Xenodoken Gun!

:rummages through desk drawers:

Ah, here we go! :holds up a small silver device: I confiscated this from Bifocals so I’m not one hundred percent sure what it does, she kept babbling at me in German and pidgin Japanese when I asked, but let’s give it a try.

—SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXCESSIVE PUMPKIN-SPICE-THEMED VIOLENCE—-

:smashes device into tiny pieces with Mr. Crowbar: That girl has issues.

to Chernov’s house which is just a short walk from his house, when he stepped outside he noticed something strange.

Could it be, I don’t know, some dumbass firing off a rifle inside his frickin’ HOUSE?!?!

I don’t care how “different” Chernov is, that is not right.

He sees all the smurfs walking out of their homes heading towards Chernov’s house, the smurflings were not that far behind.

So the Smurfs are all afraid of Chernov’s gun, the fic has made that very clear, but the sound of gunfire is somehow an attractant? How does that work?

Papa Smurf fought his way to the crowd and watched in horror at what he saw, Chernov was shooting smurfs at the edge of the clearing of the village.

Wasteful idiot. He’ll never be able to eat all those Smurfs before they go bad.

No, these smurfs were different. Instead of the average smurf, these smurfs had gray skin and has pinkish eyes with bright red pupils.

You know, it occurs to me that I have no idea what the fic considers an “average” Smurf. The audience knows that Chernov is “slightly” taller as well as being bright green, and that these Smurfs have grey skin and pinkish-red eyes, but there’s been no description given of what a normal Smurf looks like. To be fair, most people reading this would be at least a little familiar with the Smurfs – but an author shouldn’t assume that their audience knows what a character looks like. That’s a bad habit to get into.

Their faces were emotionless and their jaws dropped, eyes stare straight forward with arms extended outwards limping and slouching towards Chernov with him shooting at them.

:eye-twitch:

So many verbs yet so little actual description. How do you do that?

I do take some small comfort in the fact that Chernov is shooting at the zombies but doesn’t appear to be hitting any of them. He really must be a terrible shot.

Chernov was sitting on the roof of his house, he had loads of ammunition at his side as he fires away at his M1 Garand.

Wha? Does he have more than one rifle? Did he throw one rifle at the zombies and is now shooting at the rifle rather than the horde of shambling undead?

Dude, you suck at this.

Bullet casings surrounds his home in a ring.

I’m gonna assume he means the shells and not the bullets themselves. If there’s a ring of bullets around your house then your weapon doesn’t have enough oomph. (Which Taco has already pointed out that it wouldn’t, but physics seems to be taking a holiday from this fic right now.) And he’s fired that many times and still hasn’t hit anything?

Dude, you really suck at this. I don’t know if I’d trust you with a pointy stick after this display.

 Papa Smurf also notices that Chernov’s door was barged in and he could see blood at the sides of it, a dead smurf lies near the entrance with it’s head bashed in.

The hell is up with all these tense shifts? Is it really all that hard to keep track of when you are over the course of a single sentence? But hey – there’s finally a dead Smurf. It died of blunt force trauma, not a gunshot wound, but maybe Chernov threw that second rifle at its head and that’s what killed the poor thing.

“Damn it, why your standing there?” asked Chernov to the village, “Don’t you see we’re under attack?”

And I have a question for you; why are the zombies attacking you when the entire village of unarmed and tasty Smurfs are walking right towards them?

These zombies do not know how to zombie.

“POP! POP!”

:groans:

Do something useful, baka!

Just as the final gray smurf dies,

:record-screech:

Wait, what?

:re-reads fic:

There’s no dead gray Smurfs before this! Chernov is (repeatedly) shooting at them, but there’s no indication that he ever hits anything.

Chernov slides down off of his roof and rushes towards Papa Smurf.

Is he going to kill the alpha and assume control of the herd?

“It was horrible, I heard scratching sounds on my door and I thought it was Nosy Smurf at first until I opened the door and that smurf tries to bite me.” he explains,

Is his name Bitey Smurf? Because that would explain his behaviour.

“I smashed his head into itself with a baseball bat and I spot more of them coming out of the woods, moaning with arms extended towards me.”

So a Smurf scratches on his door and then attempts to bite him and his first reaction is to beat the guy’s head in with a baseball bat?

You are seriously unbalanced, dude. And do Smurfs even play baseball?

“I filled one of them with with the rapid fire you probably heard, and it did not caused the smurf to go down when I hit him in the torso.

Oh, and some other Smurfs started walking towards your house, moaning and holding out their arms, so instead of finding out what was wrong with them you just immediately shot at them with a rifle?

And everyone’s okay with this?

 But when I shoot them in the head, they go down instantly with one shot.” continued Chernov, “I think it’s happening.”

“What’s happening?” asked Papa Smurf.

Chernov’s finally dropped his basket?

“The dead is coming back to life to eat the flesh of the living,” said Chernov,

Yeah … You realize that makes you sound insane, right? I’m sure that’s what’s really happening (because zombies) but there is no way a logical person would take the word of the reclusive nutball who was just sitting on his roof sniping his neighbours and freely admits to bashing someone’s brains in. That’s how it works in these zombie plotlines – even if he’s right, no one ever believes the lone nutball until it’s too late.

“They want to eat us alive, if you get bitten by one of them you’ll turn into one of them. That’s how things work for the undead, there could be more of them coming to surround us.”

Does anyone else think Chernov is suspiciously well-informed about the approaching zombie apocalypse?

“The undead?” asked Papa Smurf as the smurfs gasped.

SEE?!? IT SOUNDS CRAZY!

“You’ve seen them, the smurfs I was shooting at.”

Which everyone has very politely refrained from asking you about. If I was there, that would have been one of my first questions.

said Chernov, “Listen, do you hear any animal life?”

:listens: No, I hear Natsumi Kiyoura. Oh, wait; I’m wearing headphones. :removes headphones and listens again: Hey, I do hear wildlife! I think it’s one of my cats playing in the water bowl.

Every quiets down and listen to the background noise, there was no birds chirping nor insects buzzing and making noise.

So if they’re listening to the ambient sounds but there are no birds or insects, what are they listening to? Rustling leaves? A babbling brook? Take some time to build the suspense, dammit!

But then they heard a moan, a particular loud one.

:sigh:

Suddenly, more of the undead smurfs come stumbling out of the brush. One by one, they came in mass numbers out of a single direction.

So which is it? Did they come singly, or in a mass? Those are two different things.

The same direction from where the previous wave came from,

Which would be in that direction. :points into the Void: Over there.

Chernov fired a round at one of the undead smurfs and made a headshot which caused it to instantly die.

One down, only [ERROR:NUMBER NOT FOUND] to go!

“They’re coming,” cried Chernov.

Noticed that, did you?

“Everyone head back to your homes!” cried Papa Smurf.

That’s not a very good idea; a Smurf house is about as safe as a cupcake in the Library kitchen is when Crowbar’s around. Since the zombie Smurfs apparently have trouble with climbing, they should all head for the trees.

Everybody ran as fast as their smurf feet can take them, including Papa Smurf. Before he leaves, Chernov grabs him by the tail stopping him in his tracks.

What just happened? These two sentences contradict each other. Papa Smurf was running away as fast as he could, but that somehow wasn’t fast enough to evade the still-stationary Chernov’s grabby hands? That’s physically impossible.

And did he really just grab Papa Smurf’s tail? That’s just wrong, man.

“Oh no you don’t, you’re going to stay here and help fight off the living dead.” he says as he hands Papa Smurf his rifle, “I’m going to go get help, you have Brainy help you when I’m gone.”

Are … Are you ordering Papa Smurf around? Seriously? And you gave him your gun?

:THWACK!:

Hell. NO! You do not arm Papa Smurf!

“What am I suppose to do?” asked Papa Smurf.

And that right there is one of the reasons. The Smurfs have no firearms and likely have never even touched a gun, it’s stated several times in the first few paragraphs of this fic that they are scared of the rifle. Handing a loaded weapon to a rank novice and expecting them to instantly achieve any kind of accuracy is insane. Papa Smurf probably closes his eyes when he pulls the trigger, and he’ll be lucky if the damned thing doesn’t buck out of his hands the first time he fires it.

“You see any Zombie Smurf, just shoot him in the head.”

Which is a super-easy shot for someone WHO HAS NEVER EVEN TOUCHED A GUN BEFORE to make. Piece of cake.

said Chernov, “If you ran out of ammo, there’s some more in the house.”

:waves vaguely towards house: It’s in there somewhere, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding it as the hordes of undead pursue you into the confined space. Ammo dumps have a faint glow that makes them easy to spot, right?

That’s when Chernov activated his jet pack

:spit-take:

HE’S DOING WHAT?!?

The son of a bitch has a frickin’ jet pack? How? The rifle was pushing it, but this? How would that ever work? Even if it did work, where would he get the fuel? Why in all the bloody hells does a frickin’ smurf have a frickin’ JET PACK in the middle of the frickin’ forest?!?

and flew off into the sky, leaving Papa Smurf to fend for himself.

He just left Papa Smurf there, facing a horde of zombies, with no backup and not even the most basic of instructions on how to use the rifle?!?

:THWACK!:

Bastard! Anata wa kusoyarou des’!

 Brainy then quickly came running by Papa Smurf’s aid, at this moment he kind of wished Chernov was with him at the moment.

:sirens blare:

Oh, you do not want to do that right now. :Ghostie gives the alarm The Look: Do you really want to open this can of whoop-ass?

:alarm meekly shuts itself off:

That’s what I thought.

This sentence is very oddly structured, it looks as if Brainy came running up to Papa Smurf and then it was Brainy who wished that Chernov was there. Brainy’s too much of a fanboy to ever prefer someone else over Papa Smurf.

“I smurfed here as fast as I can Papa Smurf,” said Brainy.

Sweet mercy, would you cool it with these mid-sentence tense shifts? It’s annoying as hell!

“Good, go get a weapon or something.” said Papa Smurf, “We’ve got zombies.”

Somewhere inside of me, GhostKitten is weeping.

“Zombies?” asked Brainy.

:points into Void:

Those things over there. :looks around: And there’s probably a few dead ones on the ground somewhere around here.

“Where were you this whole time?” asked Papa Smurf.

Cursing the unfeeling gods who constantly torment us? No, wait; that’s what I was doing.

“I was sleeping, but then the jet pack woke me up.” said Brainy.

The :eye-twitch: jet pack – which according to the narration made no noise – woke him up, but the constant gunfire did nothing for him even though it alerted everyone else in the village?

Yeah, no. I’m not buying that.

Papa Smurf fire the M1 Garand at a zombie and the bullet managed to hit him square in the chest but did not bring it down,

… Did Papa Smurf just shoot himself in the chest with a rifle? I think that means you’re holding it the wrong way.

then Brainy takes over. “Allow me Papa Smurf,” he says, “Chernov taught me how to fire one of these.”

Okay, then. Did he also teach you how to become an expert marksman as well as overcoming the deeply ingrained aversion most folks have to killing their own kind? It’s one thing to shoot targets or even game animals, but it’s another big rung up the ladder to shooting people.

“Good, now stay here as I get Jokey and Hunter,” said Papa Smurf, “We may need their bombs and arrows.”

Wait – there’s a Hunter Smurf? Why the hell is there a Hunter Smurf? They don’t eat meat and they sure as hell would hunt for trophies! And Jokey’s bombs are non-lethal so they aren’t going to be any help.

As Papa runs off for dear life, Brainy began to fire away at the Smurf Zombies with stunning accuracy.

:eye-twitch:

Of course he does.

After figuring out how to kill them, he aims between the eyes and fires away.

Wait, Papa Smurf forgot to tell him how to destroy the zombies?

:re-reads fic:

Son of a … He didn’t tell Brainy anything, he just took off running!

After hearing the ding, Brainy went to reload it.

It … dinged? Like, a tiny bell went off letting you know it was empty? Is that something this model does?

As he sticks in a new clip, his thumb get’s got in the round chamber as it pinches him hard. “Yikes!” he yelped, “M1 Thumb!”

Hmmm … Pardon me a moment, Patrons.

:Google break:

So there really is a thing called M1 Thumb or Garand Thumb, but according to this article it is almost impossible to do when loading a clip into the weapon (it looks like you’d have to purposely stick your thumb into the breach and then jam the clip down on top of it) and almost always happens due to operator error. Brainy is either doing something very stupid or very dangerous, possibly both.

Brainy managed to pull his thumb out when a yellow present with orange ribbons flew through the air and landed in front of one of the zombie smurfs, the zed did not noticed as it kicked the box causing it to explode.

Which would do very little damage because he’s Jokey Smurf, not Terrorist Smurf.

Pieces of zombie flesh flew through the air as half the zombie gets pulverized, but the upper half continues to crawl towards Brainy not noticing his intestines being dragged across the dirt.

:headdesk:

Either Jokey’s been holding back all these years, or these Smurfs lost a lot of their HP when they died.

“Oh smurf, how come that didn’t work?” asked Jokey nearby, Hunter managed to follow behind.

Looks like it was pretty effective to me.

“Shoot him in the head,” cried Brainy.

With a bomb? I don’t think you understand how bombs work, Brainy.

Blowing up a zombie is a really bad idea. You’re creating a cloud of infectious material, some of which will likely land on you, that may make the problem worse.

Hunter tires to aim for a head shot but missed, then he tried to fire an arrow with it’s tip is on fire.

He has flaming arrows? That seems both excessive and extremely dangerous considering Jokey probably has more bombs with him.

The arrow hits the zombie on the side but it did not notice the flame partially burning it’s decaying skin, with a third arrow he managed to take out the zombie.

The arrow hit the zombie in the side but is only partially burning it? Smurf zombies must be flame-resistant.

Wait a second … These aren’t fresh zombies? This outbreak just started, so how can there be rotting zombies already?

After about an hour in the battle, there is no longer any zombies to fight.

:eye-twitch:

This is getting painful.

I’m glad that the author timesquiggled over the actual fighting, but I am curious as to how many zombies there were and where they came from.

The population of Smurf Village is pretty low and everyone is very close, so the disappearance of even one or two Smurfs would raise alarm bells.  And there wouldn’t be any freshly dead bodies lying around waiting to be resurrected by some viral strain or magical spell, since the Smurfs never die natural deaths. I just don’t see how the village could produce a significant number of undead that would have managed to go unnoticed long enough for any of them to start rotting.

They were lucky because they sucked at being zombie killers, if the zombies had the ability to run they would have lost.

Like many protagonists within the Library, these smurfs’ greatest assets are incompetent enemies.

“Guys?” asked Jokey, “What are we going to do with this mess?”

I don’t know about you, but I’m posting it in the Library.

Oh; you meant the corpses, didn’t you? You should probably clean them up before they start smelling too bad. It’s going to be a real chore, too, seeing as how you used explosives. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to find all the zombie-bits, so it might be simpler to just torch the village and rebuild somewhere else.

There were zombie smurf corpses everywhere, surprisingly they were no where near the smurfs.

That is very surprising, considering Jokey’s using short-range explosive devices.

When Chernov came back, he was riding on Azrael armed with a Katana.

:spit-take:

SENSEI!

:ninja appears:

Have you been spiking my cider with psychotropics again?!?

Hai, but they would not have produced that particular hallucination.”

…Huh. I guess that explains why I thought my cell phone was an ice cream sandwich last week. You owe me a new case, by the way.

“Ha ha, I love cats!” he yells.

So do I, but  you don’t see me riding one around as a war mount.

:Ishi coughs:

SHUT UP! WE AGREED THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

“One said nothing, Ghostcat-sama.”

Oh. Ummm… :throws balls of tinsel at Patrons: Look, something shiny!

“I managed to find the source of the outbreak, turns out that Gargamel tired to control the smurfs but his plan backed fired.”

And how. Old Gargamel must have taken a page from the Umbrella Corporation’s handbook if he thought domination through zombieism would be a good idea.

“Why are you riding on Azrael?” asked Brainy.

That’s probably the first intelligent question anyone in this fic has asked.

“The mind control Gargamel was using was useful on pacifying this cat,

Would that be the “mind control” that turned all those nameless Smurfs that fell out of the Void into zombies? You do realize that it would be a very bad idea to use a zombifying form of mind control on Azrael, right?

you know what guys I think I’m going to go kill more zombie smurfs.”

Are there any zombies left? Brainy, Jokey, and Hunter took care of the entire horde in the village – even the very worst zombie hunters can clean out a handful of shamblers in an hour –  and Chernov vanquished Gargamel off-screen, so there should be no more zombies left. There just aren’t that many Smurfs available to turn into the undead.

said Chernov as he turns Azrael around,

He’s a cat, not a horse.

“I’ll see you at dinner.”

No, you won’t. You butcher and cook your own kills, remember? Your radically different diet would also imply that you eat alone rather than communally.

When he left, the smurfs cleaned up the mess and burned the smurf bodies in a single pile.

That’s actually pretty sensible, but I hope they moved the corpses to a location outside of the village. A giant bonfire of Smurfs is not something you want in the middle of town.

The smell was strong, worse than rotten smurfberries. “Barbecue zombie stink,” complained Grouchy, “I hate zombies.”

Well, duh. Rotting fruit is pretty pungent, but this is a giant pile of burning meat. That’s a smell that’s going to linger for weeks, which is why you should have had this little shindig outside of the village.

I’d imagine the smell of any kind of burning meat would be repulsive to the Smurfs, though, not just the flesh of their own kind.

“You hate everything.” reminded Brainy.

“I hate you more,” responded Grouchy.

Well, I hate all of you so I win.

When Chernov came back, thankfully without Azrael,

Who probably turned into a zombie thanks to Chernov’s use of the mind control whatever and was likely killed by Chernov as a result.

:THWACK!:

Azrael’s my favorite character, you bastard!

he was covered head to toe with gore,

That “gore” is infectious material, so you’re probably well on your way to becoming a zombie yourself and thus restarting the zombie cycle. Good job breaking it, dumbass.

“Exploding zombies rock,”

Wait, the zombies explode naturally? That’s a weird design feature to include.

he said giving off a rare smile, he doesn’t normally smile,

:THWACK!:

Show, don’t tell!

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow, right now I need to take a shower in Jokey’s bathroom.

Why would he use Jokey’s bathroom? Doesn’t he have a shower at his house? All the Smurf houses are essentially the same, right?

Consider it a prank when I’m done using it.”

It’s not really a prank if he knows you’re doing it, it’s just you being a rude-ass bastard.

Come to think of it, Jokey’s going to be just as filthy as Chernov, so he might not care if Chernov got his shower dirty. It’s not as if he’d clean it before he washed the zombie-bits and soot off of himself.

We walked to Jokey’s house and used his shower,

Wait, WHO walked over to Jokey’s house? Is Chernov showering with another smurf?

then went straight back home and went straight to bed.

I guess he forgot about the whole “I’ll see you at dinner” thing. Too bad, I hear zombie-slaying really works up an appetite.

“That’s it?” asked Brainy, “No more zombies?”

:looks down:

There’s not much fic left, so probably not.

Suddenly, a zombie appeared out of nowhere and exploded spreading bloody gore everywhere.

:yawns: I’m a Librarian; you have to do a lot better than a randomly exploding zombie Smurf to rattle me.

No one bothered cleaning it up, they just simply went back home and rest for the night.

So they properly dispose of an unknown number of zombies, which would have taken a lot of effort and resources, but this one they just leave out to rot? Why? That just makes no sense.

Kind of like this fic, come to think of it. It’s listed as a Parody, but it really isn’t lampooning anything. It certainly could have been a parody of either the Smurfs’ pacifistic lifestyle or even the zombie genre in general, but there really isn’t enough of substance in the fic to be either. It’s just vague nonsense that isn’t even all that funny.

 

 

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85 Comments on “930: Zombie Smurfs: Class I Outbreak – Oneshot”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    How would that coupling work?

    *The Crowbar talks in a posh British voice*

    I imagine there would a lot of lube…

    …I’m so sorry for this.

  2. SC says:

    “POP! POP! POP! POP!”

    Specs, could you please stop firing the bottle cap gun in the Library? You’ll put someone’s eye out.

    Specs: But it’s so fun!

  3. The Crowbar says:

    a Smurf house is about as safe as a cupcake in the Library kitchen is when Crowbar’s around.

    *Walks into the viewing room while muching on a cupcake and dragging a blast door by one of it’s hinges*

    What?

  4. The Crowbar says:

    Brainy began to fire away at the Smurf Zombies with stunning accuracy.

    *sigh*

    You know, I’ve fired a rifle.

    And it’s helluva’ lot more complicated than simply pointing the gun downrange.

    Rifles have crosshairs for a motherfucking reason, and tiny objects like bullets tend to miss when not aimed properly!

    • SC says:

      Not to mention the fucking kick. You gotta sight back in once you’ve taken one shot because the kick knocks your aim off slightly.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Exactly!

        One of the rifles I shot had a red dot sight, and even that one took some explaining from the instructor before I could start aiming properly.

      • SC says:

        I once was allowed to fire the monster that was my grandpa’s twelve-gauge over-under double barrel shotgun, back when I was still learning how to handle guns and didn’t quite have a good grip on the kick yet. That damn thing nearly put me on my ass, and I had to spend like fine minutes sighting myself back in before I could fire the second round because my grandpa’s gun was dot-sighted, so I only had a tiny little bead at the end of the barrel to work with.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Heh.

        Reminds me when I tried out the Desert Eagle.

        I nearly took it to my face.

      • SC says:

        “Note to self: work on grip strength. The revolver is not a boomerang. I should not be launching it into my mouth after each shot.”

      • The Crowbar says:

        *snerk*

  5. SC says:

    I’ve discussed the matter in the Secret Clubhouse with SC and we both find the idea ludicrous while resident math-guru Taco has this to add;

    *lots of stuff about how size matters when it comes to guns*

    What I basically said was that the gun was beyond useless because of its size and the complex mechanics that go into a firearm – which wouldn’t work nearly as well scaled down to smurf size – and that was one of the main reasons why you typically don’t see diminutive fantasy creatures using them as often as normal-sized folks. Really, if the mini-people of any fantasy setting must use a ranged weapon at all, however ineffective or might be, your best bet would be to go for something simple and non-mechanical, like a bow and arrow, or a spear or something. At the very least, you could still hurt big things, if not fatally.

  6. SC says:

    as he fires away at his M1 Garand.

    Dude, what the fuck are you doing? That’s a God damn resource you’re destroying!

  7. SC says:

    It … dinged? Like, a tiny bell went off letting you know it was empty? Is that something this model does?

    Yep. The M1 was designed to automatically expel the empty magazine, and it made a loud ringing noise whenever it happened. I wouldn’t say like a bell, but a ringing noise nonetheless.

    From how my grandpa tells it, that actually caused American soldiers a lot of grief, because Nazi soldiers would wait for the ding and then pop up and pick off the guy who ran out of bullets, so they started holding down the bit that fires out the magazine with their thumbs whenever they were empty so that they wouldn’t give themselves away.

    It kind of sounds like this whenever a Garand ejects the magazine:

  8. SC says:

    When Chernov came back, he was riding on Azrael armed with a Katana.

    Somebody needs to draw that. XD

  9. TacoMagic says:

    “POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, DING!”

    Anyone else notice that he isn’t actually firing the rifle, but just wandering around saying, “POP, POP, DING!” at the top of his lungs?

  10. SC says:

    :yawns: I’m a Librarian; you have to do a lot better than a randomly exploding zombie Smurf to rattle me.

    For some reason, that made me think of that show AMC is putting it called (wait for it) The Librarians.

    Which is actually quite fitting for us, if I’m honest.

  11. SC says:

    Wait, the zombies explode naturally? That’s a weird design feature to include.

    I don’t see how sending an army of Boomers was a good idea.

  12. infinity421 says:

    …Wait a second…

    An M1 Garand
    Chernov
    And zombies.

    I think the author has been playing too much CoD:WaW – or was, I haven’t looked at the FF page to check the date yet.

  13. SC says:

    … Did Papa Smurf just shoot himself in the chest with a rifle? I think that means you’re holding it the wrong way.

    Papa Smurf is sick of this shit.

  14. SC says:

    Hunter tires to aim for a head shot but missed

    That’s what you get for using tires to get a headshot, you dumbass.

  15. SC says:

    Barbecue zombie stink

    Ooh, nobody told me it was barbecued zombie day in the cafeteria!

    I find that once you get used to respawning after every bite, the flavor kind of grows on you.

    • Ooh, nobody told me it was barbecued zombie day in the cafeteria!

      Does anyone really need to be told that it is barbecued zombie day in the cafeteria? Even if you don’t check the daily menu posted in the lobby, the smell is pretty distinctive.

  16. SC says:

    “Shoot him in the head,” cried Brainy.

    Dead Space has taught me that that is simply not good enough.

  17. SC says:

    :sirens blare:

    Oh, you do not want to do that right now. :Ghostie gives the alarm The Look: Do you really want to open this can of whoop-ass?

    :alarm meekly shuts itself off:

    That’s what I thought.

    I feel like Herr’s gonna start throwing money at you to sit in on his riffs and keep the DRD from shark tanking him.

  18. SC says:

    What kind of inconsiderate hunter is firing off a weapon that close to town at that hour?

    You’d be crucified for that if it were my folks out camping. Even when hunting, we value our sleep.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    Ammo dumps have a faint glow that makes them easy to spot, right?

    I giggle-snorted.

    Also, they slowly revolve and bob up and down very gently.

  20. TacoMagic says:

    That’s when Chernov activated his jet pack

  21. X Equestris says:

    Well, it’s completely nonsensical, but at least this fic is better than yesterday’s…thing. Zombie smirfs is an interesting change of pace.

  22. Delta XIII says:

    Destructive power? :snerk: Time for some math, my Patrons!

    http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=lmiLxzx9RJE

  23. Delta XIII says:

    Did someone sit on my bubble wrap again?!? That’s for therapeutic purposes only!

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=V2_JJMyGUZc

  24. Delta XIII says:

    :sirens blare:

    Oh, you do not want to do that right now. :Ghostie gives the alarm The Look: Do you really want to open this can of whoop-ass?

    :alarm meekly shuts itself off:

    That’s what I thought.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6aMD6oarTWA

  25. You know, some people credit the Smurfs as a predecessor of the modern zombie (particularly the Romero type) due to the story “The Black Smurfs”. Oddly enough, Smurf canon has some zombie in it. Mind you, this fic is still crap, but it is closer to original flavor than it appears at first blush. “The Black Smurfs” was way better though.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      “Barbecue zombie stink,” complained Grouchy, “I hate zombies.”

      *snerk*

      Oh boy… Considering what you told me about “The Black Smurfs”, that line is actually kinda hilarious in hindsight, yeah?

  26. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Claimer:

    Oh, this is gonna be fun…

  27. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “POP! POP! POP! POP!”

    *BAM*

    Authors, what the fuck do I keep telling you about onomatopoeia!?

  28. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The only smurf with guns was Chernov, a slightly taller, bright green smurf that wears a camouflaged hat, jacket, and pants with black shoes.

    Oh, so that’s where that one toy soldier in the Toy Story movies went! He went off to be in a Smurfs fanfic!

  29. Herr Wozzeck says:

    :smashes device into tiny pieces with Mr. Crowbar: That girl has issues.

    This is Bifocals you’re talking about. Are you really that surprised?

  30. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Does anyone else think Chernov is suspiciously well-informed about the approaching zombie apocalypse?

    It’s like he forgot how people initially reacted to zombies in Night of the Living Dead.

  31. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And that right there is one of the reasons. The Smurfs have no firearms and likely have never even touched a gun, it’s stated several times in the first few paragraphs of this fic that they are scared of the rifle. Handing a loaded weapon to a rank novice and expecting them to instantly achieve any kind of accuracy is insane. Papa Smurf probably closes his eyes when he pulls the trigger, and he’ll be lucky if the damned thing doesn’t buck out of his hands the first time he fires it.

    Something tells me Chernov may have gone to the Kye Jen School of Firearms Expertise…

  32. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That’s when Chernov activated his jet pack

    *headdesk*

    Okay, this author is just writing this guy with maximum Rule of Cool, isn’t he?

  33. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I don’t think you’ll ever be able to find all the zombie-bits, so it might be simpler to just torch the village and rebuild somewhere else.

    At the very least, it would confuse the shit out of Gargamel. If nothing else, just the image of that would be hilarious.

  34. SC says:

    :smashes device into tiny pieces with Mr. Crowbar: That girl has issues.

    *Whimper*

    Huh? What the-?

    *SC turns to see the Co. pinning a weeping Bifocals to the floor and struggling to get a very nasty-looking laser rifle out of her hands*

    …She was gonna try and blast Ghostie, wasn’t she?

    Specs: Something about her murdering a coffee-maker gun, I think?

    …Right.


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