926: of wolf and woman – Chapter Seven

Title: of wolf and woman
Author: gothicrocker2
Media: Movie
Topic:  Underworld
Genre: Romance / Adventure
URL: Chapter seven
Critiqued by Lyle

Happy 5th of January, everyone!  I’m sure by now you’ve been “Happy New Year”-ed out so I won’t throw more in your direction.  So happy Monday!  Today my dog get his eyelids surgically fixed!  I know that’s not really something to be excited about but it will hopefully mean an end to the numerous veterinary bills I’ve accrued lately.

Sorry, I’m on codeine-laced cough syrup and tend to get a little more sidetracked than usual.  Where was I?  Oh yes!

Welcome back, trusty patrons, to the final chapter of the Underworld fic “of wolf and woman.”  It’s the last chapter that the author uploaded, anyway.  Considering that was done in 2012, I think we might well be safe from ever seeing any more of this crapfic.  Last time I pumped out two chapters and all that really happened was that Lucian learned from Tanis that September is vital to the survival of the species and Saltpeter ran away into the woods to get captured by an African vampire.  Oh, and there’s some random “hag” running around Lucian’s Super-Secret Castle and none of the lycans can find her because wolf-men can’t track worth shit, I guess.

Let’s finish this!


Lucian ran out of the hideout after ordering 10 of the best trackers in his pack to help him find soise.

You’re essentially the king of the lycans, with William all iron-maidened by Viktor.  Why do you need 10 lycans to track down one girl?  You should be able find her scent yourself.  If you’re worried about having to fight off a whole coven of vampires then I can understand bringing backup.  But 10 just to help track her down?  That’s stupid.

…Hey!  Our author has finally learned how to put double carriage returns between paragraphs!



He ran towards the woods alone and let the change take him. It was hard to find her scent but he managed to, as well as a very familiar scent…”Death Dealer…” he thought to himself as he let out a snarl.

Do Death Dealers smell differently than normal vampires?  I honestly don’t know so I can’t really call bullshit on that part of the paragraph.  What I can call bullshit on is the fact that our author doesn’t give us any information on what would differentiate the scent of a Death Dealer  from the scent of your standard vampire to at least make it feasible that Lucian would be able to tell that he was dealing with a Death Dealing.

He had to find her before it was too late. After about an hour of running, her scent dissapeared. Lucian slammed his clawed fist against the ground and started smelling the air. “damn! not a single trace.” he thought to himself.

Did they apparate?  How did he lose the scent? This doesn’t really make any sense.  If there was a stream, I suppose they could have gone into the water to mask their scent.  Or if a helicopter picked them up it would vanish, but then Lucian would be able to smell the aircraft fuel burned off by the chopper.

Also, how long was she gone before he realized she had fled if he ran for a full hour without finding them?  It seems really unlikely that he’d be out there for that long.

All of a sudden there was a rustling in the trees behind him.

Suddenly and from behind!

Fangs and claws beared, he was ready to fight…

RAWR! I'm a lycan! Also, is that Yeti poking his head over his  shoulder?

RAWR! I’m a lycan!
Also, is that Yeti poking his head over his shoulder?

untill he saw an old grinning crone step out from the dark overgrowth.

Oh, it’s the hag that no one was able to find earlier.

“Looking for something wolfy dear?” the old crone rasped. Lucian changed back to a more human form so he could speak and replied, “Have you seen a girl running through here? She’s rather short with long dark hair and blue eyes…”

A description?!  Holy hell!  It’s only seven chapters in and we finally have some description of the mother-fucking PROTAGONIST.

When lycans change, they destroy their clothing.  That means Lucian is gloriously nude right now.  Have some decency, man.  Although if you’ve been alive for six hundred years you probably have lost most of your modesty.

Carry on.

The old crone cacleked loudly then limped towards lucian with a crooked grin on her face.”I know where girly is, but why should Hen Waig tell wolfy? Hmm?”

You have my permission to eat her, Lucian.  She’s irritating.

The old woman cackled again and lucian, fighting back his anger forced himself to reply. “She is in grave danger and I must find her.” Once more the crone cackled and with a glint in her eye she shrieked, “Taken away, hidden away, poor lost wolfy, but Hen Waig knows. She does indeed. But you shant know till the time of need.”

How many times can the author use “cackled” in the same damn paragraph-



*opens a drawer in her desk and digs through the contents*

Now where did I put that… ah-ha!

*pulls out a wind-up mouse, scribbles “rear-end” on a post-it and sticks it to the mouse’s rear.  Opening the door just a crack, she winds it up and sets it in the hallway.  It wobbles off.  Sounds of heavy boots in pursuit sound through the hallways*

That will keep them busy for a bit.

Hen Waig showed a crooked toothless grin and then proceeded to turn and start walkin away, but lucian grabed her bony shoulder and forced her to look at him.

Good thing the DRD are already preoccupied with my decoy.  We already know she’s smiling crookedly.  Staaaaahhhhp.

“LIsten to me old woman,” He roared, “This IS a time of need! I NEED to find her before she is harmed! Now if you know where she is tell me or I swear…!”

Whoa.  Take a chill-pill there, Lucian.

Quick question for you, gothicrocker:  Have you actually seen this movie?  Because with how you’re making Lucian react, I’d say that’s a huge “nope” on your part.

Lucian never finished what he was saying. The woman placed her long bony finger on his chest and he could not move. When she lowered her hand lucian collapsed.

Old Hag is more of a sue than Sorbet.

“How dare you speak to Hen Waig in such a manner, and to threaten no less! You know not whom you deal with, whom you vex!” All lucian could do was stare up at her as she ranted.

*Lyle stares too, baffled*

You…  you…  you used the proper form of whom?!  You can’t spell easy words correctly, forget to capitalize proper nouns, and make up words for names, but you use the proper-fucking-form of whom?!

I think I need a moment…

Okay, I’m back.  Let’s plough ahead.

“Fool, unthinking, uncivilized, ireful fool! Well then, let’s see what type of fool you are.” She then place her hand atop his head, muttered an few unintelligible words and closed her eyes.

Over-reaction of the century, don’t you think?  And “ireful?”  Really?  Someone has her thesaurus open.  The ironic part is that the hag, herself, is being incredibly ireful with all this ranting and raving.  Perhaps she should look in the mirror first before accusing others.

After a minute she removed her hand and the grimmace on her face turned into a wide grin. “Ahh, I see now,” she taunted, “a fool stricken. That is one of the worst kinds. But Hen Waig is forgiving, and will allow a forlorn fool a second chance. Up on your feet wolfy, you have a long way to travel and a short time to do it. They rest for now but will move on soon. A gift I give you, the most priceless gift of all!” She laughed as lucian rose to his feet and stood before her. “Knowledge, that is my gift.

She looks into his mind, see’s that he’s fallen head-over-heals in love with a woman he’s shared all of 3 conversations with – no conversation in which more was shared than her ignorance of real food – and suddenly the hag decides to help him?



You will know the way when you see it. Do not let your eyes be decieved, nor wander about blindly. The hunt is on dear fool!”

If that’s the knowledge she’s giving you, give it  back.  It’s useless.  She’s obviously just Vaguebooking for attention.

The last thing he remembered after she laid her hand on his head again was a bright, blinding golden light behind his eyes, then darkness.

Oooh, the patented “loses consciousness to end the scene in a dramatic way” method.

Like we haven’t seen that in just about every fic ever written.


When soise opened her eyes she saw spots of red.


She went to wipe her eyes but realized her hands were tied behind her back. She also realized she was laying on her side on hard dirt. “Finally awake I see.” sneered her captor. “Shame I had to knock you out, but I warned you.” Her captor walked over to her and she saw his face in the dim light of the dying fire. It was pale and sharply angled.

Pale?  Must be a South-African vampire, then.

She would have mistaken him for human but those eyes… she always saw them in her nightmares.

Are they currently blue with vampire rage?  In Underworld, their eyes turn an eerie blue when they are riled up.  But under normal circumstances, there’s no real way to differentiate their eyes from those of a human.  Selene has dark brown eyes for most the movie.


She almost cringed away, but her captor grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. “Don’t have a clue why he wants you so bad, your just a pathetic, puny human girl.” he shook his head “By the way, don’t anymore of that pointless screaming… I’ ve made it so no one can hear or see you.”


I’m sorry, what?  He did what now?  That’s… that’s not a power vampires in this universe have.

He let her face go and walked over to the fire as her face dropped to the ground. He chucked a half-cooked peice of meat at her. It landed right by her head. “I suppose I cant let you starve, seeing as how he wants you alive, but I figure I’ll have you eat like the animals you’ve been around.

I beg to differ.  Lucian fully cooked the meat he fed her.  Plus there was bread, cheese, and tea.  Get your medieval fare right, Random White Vampire with an African Name.

Ah judging by the confusedlook on your face you don’t know yet. Bunch of beasts all of them…but I’m certain you will learn that in time.” With that, he walked away and sat by the fire.

And he doesn’t tell her because… why?  This entire story is a Vaguebook entry.  Thankfully we will never know if Soup-Spoon ever finds out what Lucian was, nor will be discover what happens to her.  That’s the last thing written.  THIS STORY IS OVER!

See you next week when we gather once more on the set of Australian Wheel of Fortune.


39 Comments on “926: of wolf and woman – Chapter Seven”

  1. SC says:

    I might be crazy, but I think a few of your image links are broken.

  2. The Crowbar says:

    Damn, what a cliffhanger!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, how long was she gone before he realized she had fled if he ran for a full hour without finding them?

    My money is on the PCC’s instant-teleport device whisking the Sue and the Death Dealer away before Lucian could find ’em. Those pesky PCC people!

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    A description?! Holy hell! It’s only seven chapters in and we finally have some description of the mother-fucking PROTAGONIST.

    Well, you know your fic fails when that’s a thing, you know what I’m sayin’?

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Taken away, hidden away, poor lost wolfy, but Hen Waig knows. She does indeed. But you shant know till the time of need.”

    “But I wish to find her more than anything! More than life!”

    “Ah. Well, in that case, get me the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as–”


    “Really? You went there! You know what? Screw it, I’m finding her without your help!”

    • The Crowbar says:

      fuck your cow and fuck your cape!

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        So I assume that the hair as yellow as corn and the slipper as pure as gold are out of the question, then?

      • The Crowbar says:

        Ah swear, yin mair word aboot some mystical hing yi’ll waant me tae risk mah bahookie tae git fur ye, ‘n’ a’m feeding ye tae Grunt!

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oooookay then, that’s enough ryncol for you. Your ryncol privileges are revoked until further notice.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Ah kin dram however muckle ryncol a’m waantin’ tae, motherhumper!

        *takes a swig while hicking uncontrollably*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:


        *takes the ryncol away.

        Revoked. Re. Voked.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Starts crying while holding Herr’s leg in a deathgrip*

        Dinnae lea me, ryncol!

        A loue ye!

        *Passes out*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        DRD agents, get this dude offa me!

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        This will only end in shark tanking in the shark tank.

        You’re welcome, Herr!

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Goddammit, Fraug.

        *shoves both Crowbar and Fraug into the shark jump tank*

        Here’s hoping the respawn point puts them in something extra humiliating…

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Stumbles into the room, halfway stuck inside a painter*

        Kiilll meeee!

      • Ishi says:


        A new specimen!

        *runs off to locate extra-large jar*

      • The Crowbar says:

        If you use me as a test subject, I will make your leeches go extinct.

      • Ishi says:

        Even if one places you in the extra-comfortable jar one was reserving for a Xenomorph?

        *holds up jar*

        It has weh-feh and only faintly smells of mustard.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Picks up a jar of leeches he snatched from somewhere and holds a gun to it*

        Not. Happening.

        *The Painter screams in agreement*

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        *Climbs out of the shark tank holding a bloody longsword and roundel dagger*

        I am drenched and the sharks are now dressed as the entire cast of the music video for Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda. Including each of Nicki’s individual outfits. I hear they’re rehearsing for a Sea World style-production. You monster.

        I’mma gonna chop your leg off now, Herr. It was my Plan B for removing Crowbar. Now it’s just sounding like good, clean, exsanguinating fun.

      • Ishi says:

        *reads label on jar of leeches*

        One would not recommend destroying the containment vessel of the Bakuhatsu no Yorokobi leeches. They are … temperamental.

      • :headdesk:

        Sensei, what did I tell you about breeding experimental exploding leeches?

      • Ishi says:

        … Do not use the Library’s bathtub?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Fuck it. You leave me no choice.

        *exits, enters the room in a full-size Gundam suit*


      • Ooh, giant robot fight!

        Sensei! I’ll get the popcorn, you get the marshmallow eels!

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Huh. An RX-78-2. That’s cute.

        Now the only question is, do I live up to my black card by chopping it to bits Samurai 7 style with nothing more than a sword, or do I play on the same field.


        Well, I do love giant robots.

        *Leaves and returns in an Armored VF-25S*

        But any giant robot is worth crossing with a fighter plane. Kneel before the VF-25 Messiah!

        *Opens fire with a big-ass machine gun and a whole bunch of missiles*

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *walks in*

        Hey guys, what’s–

        WHAT THE FUCK IS–!?

        *watches as Fraug is curb-stomped by the Gundam*

        Mysterious Figure: *steps out of the Gundam* You thought it would be Herr that would fight you in this giant ship, but it was I, DIO!



      • Colonel deFraug says:

        That’s what I get for choosing a mecha without a sword.

        *Tosses a hamon oil bomb at Dio, vaporizing him as he postures.*

        Why Joseph didn’t just do that to the arrogant shit, I will never know.

  6. Calling it now, if this story had continued, that hag would have turned into the sue’s teacher.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You will know the way when you see it. Do not let your eyes be decieved, nor wander about blindly.

    What he should say: “Mother said straight ahead, not to delay or be misled!”

    What he actually says: nothing.

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Don’t have a clue why he wants you so bad, your just a pathetic, puny human girl.” he shook his head

    My money is on this, vampire:

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’ ve made it so no one can hear or see you.”

    Thank you. No we don’t have to deal with her any more.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lucian changed back to a more human form so he could speak and replied,

    What the hell is a “more” human form?? I’m imagining a regular wolf with a pair of human lips where its muzzle used to be, and I’m frightened.

    • Maybe something like a transitional form between human and wolf? I’ve never seen the movies so I’m not sure how lupine the werewolves are.

      • "Lyle" says:

        There’s full form, which is a very beastal form but not a traditional wolf. (No way to confuse one for a wolf).

        They have a sort of transitionary for where they look human but their teeth can elongate and their eyes go a little funky.

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