925: Mysterios Hooded Man (MY VERSION) – Chapter OnePosted: January 3, 2015
Title: Mysterios Hooded man (MY VERSION)
Media: Video Game
Topic: Assassin’s Creed
Genre: Humor / Friendship
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC
Hello, and welcome back to the Library! I’m your host and guest-riffer, SC, and happy after-the-holidays to you! I hope you kids got what you wanted, and I hope you parents still have some spare coins left in your sobbing wallets!
So, I had originally planned to do a one-shot for a late Christmas gift to you guys, but I ended up getting caught up in the holiday spirit, and so it ended up getting delayed. To make matters worse, not long after I started writing the riff, it turned out that the fic had multiple chapters already, so I couldn’t just one-shot it. Plus, once I started riffing this fic, I realized that it would be insulting to leave the job half-done without a good excuse. Not to mention that it’s coming from a fandom that I’m… reasonably well acquainted with. I’ve played about half of the games in its series, and I’ve become hooked on the overarching plot of the series.
Ergo, this is now my fifth riff. You may pelt me with tomatoes at your leisure.
For now, though, let’s get to the fic in question.
There is a shocking lack of Assassin’s Creed fics in the Library, don’t you agree? I mean, it’s a hugely mainstream series as of recent years, and if we can handle having a Dragonball Z riff, multiple Mass Effect riffs, a couple of Fallout riffs and several Twilight riffs in the Library, with all of them being so popular, then who are we to NOT riff another big name series? So, I decided to rectify this issue, because what’s a Damned Library without a few assassins, right?
Yes, this is a fic about Assassin’s Creed, called, “Mysterios Hooded Man (MY VERSION),” by Pandahawaiian123. The title alone gives me the chills.
But, maybe I’m just being a bit paranoid. It’s not so bad, ri-
watches from a distance, until they ruin my summer! There I was, with my half-siblings during my summer vacation, then BAM! Assassins (and one artist) are in my living room, and it’s up to me and my siblings to find a way to get them back. Let’s hope that no one notices these idiots. **ORIGINAL FROM Shadow-wild I DON’T WANT TO COPYRIGHT! THIS IS MY WAY!** Rated: Fiction K+ – English – Humor/Friendship
…Oh, how wrong I was.
First thing’s first – before I get too into the fic, we should give a little backstory on Assassin’s Creed, for those who don’t know of it.
Assassin’s Creed is a series of open world-sandbox-action-stealth games developed and published by Ubisoft, with the promise that Ubisoft would release a new Assassin’s Creed game every year. They’ve held to that promise – with varying results.
The overall plot of Assassin’s Creed is split between several timelines, but with the same general premise:
There exists a shadow war, fought by two long sworn enemies who seek a similar goal, but through vastly different means – the Assassin Brotherhood, a shadowy group of trained, highly elite killers who seek peace for the world, but only if humanity should choose it of their own free will; and the Order of the Knights Templar, a monastic military order who are chiefly associated with the Crusades, and who seek to bring peace to the world by controlling the people that live within it. This war has existed since before humanity was their own entity within the world, and still rages on in secrecy in the modern day, neither side giving way to the other.
In the present day, the Templars – under the name Abstergo – have been kidnapping agents of the Assassin Brotherhood and using a machine called the Animus to hack into their minds and discover the location of powerful artifacts known as the Pieces of Eden within the memories of their ancient ancestors, recorded deep within their DNA (which is bullshit, but hey, sci-fi).
I would so dearly love to give more background on the series, but if I do, I’d be spoiling huge parts of the overarching plot, so I can’t. Besides, this fic doesn’t focus on the present day plot, that I can tell.
So hey, how about that there Author’s Note!
A/N: Hey guys! SO, this story is based on ANOTHER story called ‘Mysterious Hooded Man’ by Shadow-wild. If Shadow-wild is reading this, I mean no copyright. I just really enjoyed your story, and I wanted it to continue. Seeing that you haven’t update since last year, I decided to take it upon myself to revise this. It is not copied word for word, maybe sometimes, but I hope you all enjoy!
Ert, Herr, I apologize for doing this again.
Well, let’s dive on into this turkey…
I was in my living room playing Five Nights at Freddy’s on my IPad mini.
Ah yes, FNaF, the newest jumpscare-o-rama horror game to find its way into app stores.
You know what it’s worth in a fic about Assassin’s Creed?
My older sister Sarah was saying goodbye to my parents. They were going away for the whole summer, so it would just be Lanie, that’s me, Sarah and Parker.
Great parenting, leaving your three jackass kids at home for three whole months.
Time to describe me!
Unlike my sibling who have red and brown hair, my hair is a very dark brown, almost black, long and reaches my waist and is straight and thick.
Who the fuck are you, Cousin Itt?
I hate it.
And Itt hates you.
Do you know how long it takes to wash this mess! Like 1 hour!
Oh, boohoo. If you dislike it so much, get a fucking haircut. Your folks are gone for the next three months anyhow, nobody’s stopping you but your own bitching.
Anyways, since I am half-Filipino (my dad re-mmaried, and my mom is Sarah and Parkers parents, and the Filipino side comes from my mom), my skin is medium and I am skinny.
…I’m not sure you know how bloodlines work. If your DAD remarried after YOU were born, which you implied by saying that Sarah and Parker are your stepmother’s kids, and the Filipino blood comes from your stepmother’s side of the family, then you’re only half-Filipino by marital relation, and therefore don’t acquire any of the skin pigmentation typical of the people of the Philippines.
Just kidding! That’s a health hazard. Like a really bad one. If you got that, please go to a doctor.
…Did… did you just imply that Filipino people’s skin color is a disease?
Dude, not cool.
Anyways, I’m 4’10 13 years old and I am a dancer, and I like to sing, and I have ADHD. Yeah. That’s all.
When I was thirteen, I was edging on five feet tall. I get that this kid’s supposed to be female, and girls usually stop growing before men do, but still.
Also, should you really be admitting that you’re an underage dancer? Especially since you didn’t specify what KIND of dancer you are?
Oof, I’m not even halfway through this chapter and things are already awkward as hell.
“Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Have a safe trip!” I heard my older sister Sarah say to my parents as they left. When their cab finally left.
Traffic is hell in Void City.
Sarah and Parker ran into the house (without even taking off their shoes).
Sarah ran to the kitchen and came back with junk food, while Parker booted up the Xbox and started playing Assassins Creed 3 and started slaughtering millions of Templars.
Hey, now. I know that there’s a lot of Templars in the Assassin’s Creed games, but I rather doubt that you’re killing MILLIONS of them at one time, unless you’re just sitting around waiting for them to respawn over and over again.
I nudged him and glanced at his shoe’s. He got the idea and took off his shoes and tossed them to the door. HE gave the controller to Sarah, and she goofed off a bit before starting the actual storyline.
Well, we now know two things:
1. Parker is a BOY, as expressed by the narrative.
2. Girls playing video games ermahgerd.
That was until the screen glitched an there was the Animus matrix.
Sarah was frantically pressing the buttons on the controller.
Making Connor do a silly dance.
“Ugh damnnit! I was THIS close to killing Charles Lee!”
I’d infodump about this guy, but I’d like to get through this chapter quickly. I put ToV: BAR on hold for this because I didn’t realize it’d be a full riff, and it’s been delayed for long enough now.
“Calm down,” I said, “It’s probably just a cutscene.”
Just like missing an easy Eagle Dive and breaking all your bones on the ground is “just a glitch”, right?
What I’m saying is you dun goof’d.
I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and stuffed it into my moth.
What did that poor moth do to deserve such punishment?
Sarah gave me a disgusted look. I stuck my cookie covered tongue out at her.
Ain’t nobody want to see that.
We waited and waited for at least 15 minutes, until Connor appeared on the screen holding the crystal sphere.
“Finally!” said Sarah as she tried to move the controller. But Connor didn’t move. He just looked…confused.
Then it got even weirder. Altair showed up holding the Apple of Eden and Ezio showed up holding the Papal staff.
OH, BECAUSE THOSE ARE TWO ITEMS YOU WANT TO HAVE IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM TOGETHER!
So! Pieces of Eden! Possibly the single biggest MacGuffin in the entirety of Assassin’s Creed – more than the Bleeding Effect, which is how Desmond was transformed from a bartender into an Assassin over the course of a few months, which would normally have taken him a lifetime otherwise; more than the Eagle Vision, which has been how Desmond’s entire Assassin lineage have come into their own as Assassin Mentors, the highest-ranking Assassins in the Brotherhood; more even than the Hidden Blades, without which an Assassin is nothing.
Pieces of Eden are devices born from the First Civilization, and are the very objects that the shadow war between Templar and Assassin even exist around – sure, both sides want peace, but the Templars want to force it by enslaving humanity to their will using the Pieces of Eden, whereas the Assassins would rather bury or burn the Pieces and let humanity find peace by their own accord.
They’re not without their reasons – let this series of videos demonstrate just how dangerous a Piece of Eden is:
And if the final fight against Rodrigo Borgia in Assassin’s Creed 2 is any indicator, having multiple Pieces of Eden in the same room at once is a TERRIBLE THING TO DO! Sure, all the Apple and the Papal Staff did at the time was form a key to open the door to the Vault beneath the Vatican, but honestly, I feel that that’s FAR from their full potential as a combined force!
And Altair and Ezio pop up next to Connor, who has Washington’s Apple of Eden, wielding (respectively) Altair’s Apple of Eden, and the Papal Staff?! Are they TRYING to bring ruin to humanity?!
Nevermind the fact that they’re both in Colonial America, when Altair live during the Crusades, and Ezio was born in the Italian Renaissance!
Oh, and there’s also that bit where the Papal Staff was sealed away after the Vault beneath the Vatican was opened, and Ezio and Altair both locked their respective Apples of Eden away where they would hopefully be forgotten by history, except that didn’t quite take.
So, not only do we have a timebomb of epic proportions getting ready to go off, but we’ve also tied three separate timelines into a fucking knot! Great! This author is trying to mindfuck the world!
“What the hell’s going on?” breathed out Parker.
You fucking tell me, kid.
Both men looked at each other and started to talk, but no noise came out. Then other people started to show up like Malik, Maria Thorpe, Leonardo and Aveline. Then out Xbox shut down.
I’ll get to this happy lot in a minute, I just need time for my brain to stop crying. Also, somebody get the interns in action mode, we need to lock down the Library for possibly one of the biggest fucking timesquiggles I’ve ever riffed.
“What do you think happened Lanie?” asked my brother. “I don’t know but-” I was cut off by a blinding bright light. I shielded my eyes and Parker grabbed me before anything happened. When Parker let me go, let me just say that I was not expecting this.
There in flesh and blood, Altair, Malik, Maria Thorpe, Ezio, Leonardo, Connor and Aveline, stood motionless in our living room, gawking at us and everything
Wow, that’s a lot of names… big ones, too.
*sigh* Look, people, I’m just gonna come out and say it: I physically CAN’T infodump all of these guys. There’s just too much information for me to cover all at one time, even as far as my habit of infodumping goes. They’re the MAIN PROTAGONISTS OF THE SERIES, with the exception of Maria Thorpe, Malik Al-Sayf and Leonardo Da Vinci, who were all supporting characters. That would be seven whole backstories for me to hack through all at once, and ain’t nobody got time for that – you could literally pack all seven of these guys’ plots into a manga, and it would be nearly as long as the entirety of the Naruto series. As I said once before, my brain turns to mush after a certain point when information overload kicks in.
However, I can at least give you pictures and links to the wiki to go with them, so I’m not leaving you completely in the dark.
And at least the author only goes as far as Assassin’s Creed 3, doesn’t include every major character in the lineup, and doesn’t bring Edward Kenway (Black Flag), Shay Cormac (Rogue) and Arno Dorian (Unity) into this. Poor Lyle’s still gonna have a heart attack from all the images I’m about to throw at her, though, because even the IMAGES are numerous.
Let’s start with Altair, since he’s the very first Assassin in the series, and because he’s by far my most favorite among the group.
Next on the list: Malik.
Next up: Why, none other than my OTHER favorite Assassin of the bunch – Ezio Auditore da Firenze!
Next up, Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci! (And if you don’t know who this guy is, you clearly didn’t pay attention in history class.)
Leonardo da Vinci isn’t actually an Assassin. In fact, he’s the only one on the list who isn’t.
Aaand next up… Ra… Raton… Ratonhnhaké:ton (shit, that’s a mouthful), who we know better as Connor Kenway.
And, last, but most certainly not least, the only female Assassin, and black Assassin, to have her own game – Aveline de Grandpré!
SssssssssssssSHIT, that was a lot of links I had to copy down.
Well, I’ll let you all sift through that, meanwhile I’ma listen to some music.
(I don’t watch the anime, but I read the manga from time to time. Shit gets crazy.)
(Because I don’t think you all are done reading up yet.)
…So, was that enough of a brain-melter for you all?
Good, now let’s move on. This chapter isn’t even that long and I’ve already got WAY too much shit happening.
“Uh, what the hell just happened?” asked Sarah as her voice wavered.
I broke minds with the biggest infodump I’ve ever not actually written. And it’s entirely your fault, author.
Parker and I didn’t glance at her. Barley look at her. We were too perplexed by the sight of assassins (and one artist) in our living room.
I’m perplexed that Edward Kenway isn’t anywhere in the mix. This fic was published VERY recently, Black Flag has been out for a while now.
“Bambina…could you tell us where we are?” asked Ezio, breaking the silence.
Hey, so nevermind that Ezio, and everybody else, would be freaking the fuck out – let’s get into how Ezio only speaks English BY WAY OF THE ANIMUS’ TRANSLATION PROGRAMS. As does EVERYBODY ELSE, except MAYBE Connor and Aveline, who are both from early Colonial America. Ezio should be going full-Renaissance-age Italian right now.
“But, SC! Ezio is able to communicate with the Istanbul Assassins just fine!”
I’m gonna assume that either he read up on their native tongue, or they at least TRIED to read up on his. It’s not like they wouldn’t be able to, it would just take a few years of practice. (I’m gonna guess the former, though, as it’s shown multiple times throughout Revelations that the Istanbul Assassins, and other notable characters from the game, have a very weak grasp of Italian.)
I paused before answering,”Canada. Toronto Canada.”
*a tumbleweed bounces by SC’s feet in the void*
Funny, I remember Toronto being a bit more lively than this.
Also, fun fact: Black Flag’s modern day plot chain takes place in Canada as well – Montreal, Ubisoft headquarters, who apparently (in-canon) merged with Abstergo.
“What?” “Welcome to 2014?” answered Sarah awkwardly.
Welcome to, “unattributed dialogue in the same line as attributed dialogue because I’m a huge jack-off who didn’t pay attention in English class!”
Yes, I am starting to get crabby.
“I’m sorry, what?” Aveline exclaimed.
NO THE FUCK SHE DID NOT!
“Your in Toronto, Canada…” I started.
Yeah? What ABOUT my in Toronto, Canada, huh? You wanna throw down, Lanie?
“What’s a Canada?” asked Malik.
And like how Ezio should be going Italian-mode right now, Malik should:
A. Not understand a word anybody is saying except for Altair and Maria (who probably picked up the language from Altair)
B. Be speaking rapid-fire Syrian right about now.
*the Library begins to vibrate ominously*
No seriously, where are the interns right now?
No, Toronto is a city. Try again.
“Who are you people anyways?” asked Altair.
I feel like Altair would be looking for a way to undo whatever he feels possibly did to cause this clusterfuck, rather than ask questions of any sort. I mean, considering his track record with causing clusterfucks…
“I’m Parker and this is my sister Sarah and our half-sister, Lanie”
I know Parker said that, but because the dialogue wasn’t properly attributed, it could very well have been some ghost saying that, for what anybody else knows.
And Ezio TOTALLY needs to be seeing more ghosts, amirite?
“Okay, listen to me. The year is 2014, got it?” asked Sarah. Everyone immediately turned pale. Leonardo wimpered…and fainted.
Damn it, Leo! Pull yourself together! You’ve dissected bodies for anatomical study, been forced by threat of death to craft horrible war machines for the Borgias and borne witness to the raw power of the Apple of Eden on multiple occasions!
“But SC! He’s never traveled through time bef-”
I GIVE NO SHITS!
“Oh great.” I said. I motioned for Parker to help me life him onto the couch.
That ain’t how CPR works.
“Oh god, what did this dude eat?” I complained. Sarah tried to sit him upright, but gave up after a few minutes and let him lay there.
Renaissance-age Italy. If you know anything about Italian folks and food, you’ll understand what I’m getting at.
“Why are we here?” asked Connor.
“We don’t know, but I guess you guys could stay here until we figure out a way.” I said.
I’m fairly certain that ALL of these guys would be too weirded out by your living space to be comfortable staying there.
OH, AND DID I MENTION THEY STILL HAVE THE PIECES OF EDEN, BECAUSE YOU NEVER INDICATED OTHERWISE?
Parker agreed that we would divide the house.
Nice of you to include everybody else in this discussion, Parker.
Me and Sarah would share her room, Aveline would take mine, Parker shared his with Ezio and Connor, and Maria and Altair took our parents rooms.
So where does Malik sleep?! The fucking laundry bin?! It wasn’t bad enough that his brother was murdered, he lost his arm and got demoted, and then Abbas had him framed for murder and then murdered, himself, now we’ve gotta give him shit lodging, too?! Can we please stop kicking Malik in the balls?!
“But, SC! What about Leonardo?”
Leo’s conked out on the couch, I don’t think I need to worry too much about him unless he doesn’t wake up in the next few hours.
“You have a large home” commented Connor.
Dude, Connor, your heritage is Kanien’kehá:ka (also known as the Mohawk people), those guys had friggin’ longhouses that were probably bigger than the building the three author inserts are living in.
“Oh, this is considered average. There are much bigger homes than this. Some with even 12 bedrooms instead of 3.” I said. Connor stared back at me with disbelief.
The part about the rooms, I might be able to understand. Although, that longhouse picture I put up seems to indicate that the Mohawks were big on multiple rooms, themselves. (Look, I’ll admit it – I’m not the most informed about Native American culture.)
“So, is anyone up for some Miso Ramen?” I asked. Everyone got confused, even my siblings.
…The Assassins (And Leo, if he ever wakes up), I’m not surprised. Your siblings, however, live under a fucking rock. Miso Ramen – or, really, any kind of Ramen – is pretty much a staple of college life and being home alone for extended periods of time.
“It’s Asian, but it’s super good!”.
*SC snags the period with an extendo-claw and pops it in the punctuation box*
Also, I’m fairly certain that the Ramen you’re talking about is produced in America, though I could be mistaken.
“Wait, is it the one you mad last week?” asked Parker. I nodded yes.
You “mad” it last week?
“Yes! Make it please!”begged Parker.
Parker be like:
“Alright, alright! Get off the ground and get some sausage from the store.” I said.
…Sausage? In MISO RAMEN?
Ghostie, I may need a second opinion, but this sounds like straight-up bullshit to me.
Parker nodded and ran out the door with shoes, car keys and money in hand.
And floated away into the void because, even though we know it’s Toronto, we were never told what PART of Toronto they live in.
I rolled my eyes and motioned for them to follow me to the kitchen.
Who are Them, you ask? Well, I can provide only one answer to your question:
Thus began questions and chaos.
Mostly chaos. Thank god none of the Auditore women are present for what I’m sure is going to be an… adventure, let’s call it, in the culinary arts.
A/N: There we go! Hope you all liked it!
Oh, I’m just on the edge of my seat with excitement.
I should probably scoot back and take some deep breaths. The ninjas tell me that excited edge-sitting is bad form.
Yes, I changed the location because I want to do a Christmas special without them going anywhere.
Which indicates to me that Toronto was possibly ripped from the original fic. Terrific.
But hope you like it! Brofist!
Sit your ass down, author. You have NOT earned a brofist from me.
*Whew* So, that was one hell of a fucking first chapter! I can only imagine that a series of unfortunate events-
-Are to follow.
But, that’s for next time.
As for right now, thanks for reading folks, and stay tuned for next chapter, where Leonardo might possibly have died from shock (I certainly hope so – it means he doesn’t have to suffer through this fic!), and a bunch of Assassins have culinary funtimes that aren’t at all indicative of the mood of the series, but hey, fuck canon, right? ToV: BAR is up next for realsies this time, and we round back out to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors again, I think, I may have forgotten my system already, shut up don’t judge me! Until then, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!
…Send me off, Venetian Rooftops!