925: Mysterios Hooded Man (MY VERSION) – Chapter One

Title: Mysterios Hooded man (MY VERSION)
Author: Pandahawaiian123
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Assassin’s Creed
Genre: Humor / Friendship
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC

Hello, and welcome back to the Library! I’m your host and guest-riffer, SC, and happy after-the-holidays to you! I hope you kids got what you wanted, and I hope you parents still have some spare coins left in your sobbing wallets!

So, I had originally planned to do a one-shot for a late Christmas gift to you guys, but I ended up getting caught up in the holiday spirit, and so it ended up getting delayed. To make matters worse, not long after I started writing the riff, it turned out that the fic had multiple chapters already, so I couldn’t just one-shot it. Plus, once I started riffing this fic, I realized that it would be insulting to leave the job half-done without a good excuse. Not to mention that it’s coming from a fandom that I’m… reasonably well acquainted with. I’ve played about half of the games in its series, and I’ve become hooked on the overarching plot of the series.

Ergo, this is now my fifth riff. You may pelt me with tomatoes at your leisure.

For now, though, let’s get to the fic in question.

There is a shocking lack of Assassin’s Creed fics in the Library, don’t you agree? I mean, it’s a hugely mainstream series as of recent years, and if we can handle having a Dragonball Z riff, multiple Mass Effect riffs, a couple of Fallout riffs and several Twilight riffs in the Library, with all of them being so popular, then who are we to NOT riff another big name series? So, I decided to rectify this issue, because what’s a Damned Library without a few assassins, right?

Yes, this is a fic about Assassin’s Creed, called, “Mysterios Hooded Man (MY VERSION),” by Pandahawaiian123. The title alone gives me the chills.

But, maybe I’m just being a bit paranoid. It’s not so bad, ri-

watches from a distance, until they ruin my summer! There I was, with my half-siblings during my summer vacation, then BAM! Assassins (and one artist) are in my living room, and it’s up to me and my siblings to find a way to get them back. Let’s hope that no one notices these idiots. **ORIGINAL FROM Shadow-wild I DON’T WANT TO COPYRIGHT! THIS IS MY WAY!** Rated: Fiction K+ – English – Humor/Friendship

…Oh, how wrong I was.

First thing’s first – before I get too into the fic, we should give a little backstory on Assassin’s Creed, for those who don’t know of it.

Assassin’s Creed is a series of open world-sandbox-action-stealth games developed and published by Ubisoft, with the promise that Ubisoft would release a new Assassin’s Creed game every year. They’ve held to that promise – with varying results.

The overall plot of Assassin’s Creed is split between several timelines, but with the same general premise:

There exists a shadow war, fought by two long sworn enemies who seek a similar goal, but through vastly different means – the Assassin Brotherhood, a shadowy group of trained, highly elite killers who seek peace for the world, but only if humanity should choose it of their own free will; and the Order of the Knights Templar, a monastic military order who are chiefly associated with the Crusades, and who seek to bring peace to the world by controlling the people that live within it. This war has existed since before humanity was their own entity within the world, and still rages on in secrecy in the modern day, neither side giving way to the other.

In the present day, the Templars – under the name Abstergo – have been kidnapping agents of the Assassin Brotherhood and using a machine called the Animus to hack into their minds and discover the location of powerful artifacts known as the Pieces of Eden within the memories of their ancient ancestors, recorded deep within their DNA (which is bullshit, but hey, sci-fi).

I would so dearly love to give more background on the series, but if I do, I’d be spoiling huge parts of the overarching plot, so I can’t. Besides, this fic doesn’t focus on the present day plot, that I can tell.

So hey, how about that there Author’s Note!

A/N: Hey guys! SO, this story is based on ANOTHER story called ‘Mysterious Hooded Man’ by Shadow-wild. If Shadow-wild is reading this, I mean no copyright. I just really enjoyed your story, and I wanted it to continue. Seeing that you haven’t update since last year, I decided to take it upon myself to revise this. It is not copied word for word, maybe sometimes, but I hope you all enjoy!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Ert, Herr, I apologize for doing this again.

Well, let’s dive on into this turkey…

I was in my living room playing Five Nights at Freddy’s on my IPad mini.

Ah yes, FNaF, the newest jumpscare-o-rama horror game to find its way into app stores.

You know what it’s worth in a fic about Assassin’s Creed?

My older sister Sarah was saying goodbye to my parents. They were going away for the whole summer, so it would just be Lanie, that’s me, Sarah and Parker.

Great parenting, leaving your three jackass kids at home for three whole months.

Time to describe me!

Please don’t.

Unlike my sibling who have red and brown hair, my hair is a very dark brown, almost black, long and reaches my waist and is straight and thick.

Who the fuck are you, Cousin Itt?

I hate it.

And Itt hates you.

Do you know how long it takes to wash this mess! Like 1 hour!

Oh, boohoo. If you dislike it so much, get a fucking haircut. Your folks are gone for the next three months anyhow, nobody’s stopping you but your own bitching.

Anyways, since I am half-Filipino (my dad re-mmaried, and my mom is Sarah and Parkers parents, and the Filipino side comes from my mom), my skin is medium and I am skinny.

…I’m not sure you know how bloodlines work. If your DAD remarried after YOU were born, which you implied by saying that Sarah and Parker are your stepmother’s kids, and the Filipino blood comes from your stepmother’s side of the family, then you’re only half-Filipino by marital relation, and therefore don’t acquire any of the skin pigmentation typical of the people of the Philippines.

try-again-pulls-noir-h-l_1

Just kidding! That’s a health hazard. Like a really bad one. If you got that, please go to a doctor.

…Did… did you just imply that Filipino people’s skin color is a disease?

Dude, not cool.

Anyways, I’m 4’10 13 years old and I am a dancer, and I like to sing, and I have ADHD. Yeah. That’s all.

When I was thirteen, I was edging on five feet tall. I get that this kid’s supposed to be female, and girls usually stop growing before men do, but still.

Also, should you really be admitting that you’re an underage dancer? Especially since you didn’t specify what KIND of dancer you are?

Oof, I’m not even halfway through this chapter and things are already awkward as hell.

“Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Have a safe trip!” I heard my older sister Sarah say to my parents as they left. When their cab finally left.

Traffic is hell in Void City.

Sarah and Parker ran into the house (without even taking off their shoes).

Sarah ran to the kitchen and came back with junk food, while Parker booted up the Xbox and started playing Assassins Creed 3 and started slaughtering millions of Templars.

Hey, now. I know that there’s a lot of Templars in the Assassin’s Creed games, but I rather doubt that you’re killing MILLIONS of them at one time, unless you’re just sitting around waiting for them to respawn over and over again.

I nudged him and glanced at his shoe’s. He got the idea and took off his shoes and tossed them to the door. HE gave the controller to Sarah, and she goofed off a bit before starting the actual storyline.

Well, we now know two things:

1. Parker is a BOY, as expressed by the narrative.

2. Girls playing video games ermahgerd.

That was until the screen glitched an there was the Animus matrix.

Sarah was frantically pressing the buttons on the controller.

Making Connor do a silly dance.

“Ugh damnnit! I was THIS close to killing Charles Lee!”

O hai, Charles Lee!

O hai, Charles Lee!

I’d infodump about this guy, but I’d like to get through this chapter quickly. I put ToV: BAR on hold for this because I didn’t realize it’d be a full riff, and it’s been delayed for long enough now.

So I’ll just leave this here.

“Calm down,” I said, “It’s probably just a cutscene.”

Just like missing an easy Eagle Dive and breaking all your bones on the ground is “just a glitch”, right?

What I’m saying is you dun goof’d.

I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and stuffed it into my moth.

What did that poor moth do to deserve such punishment?

Sarah gave me a disgusted look. I stuck my cookie covered tongue out at her.

gross-face.jpg&t=fa51ff931b0d87deb0057bb5459692a4

Ain’t nobody want to see that.

We waited and waited for at least 15 minutes, until Connor appeared on the screen holding the crystal sphere.

“Finally!” said Sarah as she tried to move the controller. But Connor didn’t move. He just looked…confused.

Then it got even weirder. Altair showed up holding the Apple of Eden and Ezio showed up holding the Papal staff.

OH, BECAUSE THOSE ARE TWO ITEMS YOU WANT TO HAVE IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM TOGETHER!

So! Pieces of Eden! Possibly the single biggest MacGuffin in the entirety of Assassin’s Creed – more than the Bleeding Effect, which is how Desmond was transformed from a bartender into an Assassin over the course of a few months, which would normally have taken him a lifetime otherwise; more than the Eagle Vision, which has been how Desmond’s entire Assassin lineage have come into their own as Assassin Mentors, the highest-ranking Assassins in the Brotherhood; more even than the Hidden Blades, without which an Assassin is nothing.

Pieces of Eden are devices born from the First Civilization, and are the very objects that the shadow war between Templar and Assassin even exist around – sure, both sides want peace, but the Templars want to force it by enslaving humanity to their will using the Pieces of Eden, whereas the Assassins would rather bury or burn the Pieces and let humanity find peace by their own accord.

They’re not without their reasons – let this series of videos demonstrate just how dangerous a Piece of Eden is:

And if the final fight against Rodrigo Borgia in Assassin’s Creed 2 is any indicator, having multiple Pieces of Eden in the same room at once is a TERRIBLE THING TO DO! Sure, all the Apple and the Papal Staff did at the time was form a key to open the door to the Vault beneath the Vatican, but honestly, I feel that that’s FAR from their full potential as a combined force!

And Altair and Ezio pop up next to Connor, who has Washington’s Apple of Eden, wielding (respectively) Altair’s Apple of Eden, and the Papal Staff?! Are they TRYING to bring ruin to humanity?!

Nevermind the fact that they’re both in Colonial America, when Altair live during the Crusades, and Ezio was born in the Italian Renaissance!

Oh, and there’s also that bit where the Papal Staff was sealed away after the Vault beneath the Vatican was opened, and Ezio and Altair both locked their respective Apples of Eden away where they would hopefully be forgotten by history, except that didn’t quite take.

So, not only do we have a timebomb of epic proportions getting ready to go off, but we’ve also tied three separate timelines into a fucking knot! Great! This author is trying to mindfuck the world!

“What the hell’s going on?” breathed out Parker.

You fucking tell me, kid.

Both men looked at each other and started to talk, but no noise came out. Then other people started to show up like Malik, Maria Thorpe, Leonardo and Aveline. Then out Xbox shut down.

Oh for…

I’ll get to this happy lot in a minute, I just need time for my brain to stop crying. Also, somebody get the interns in action mode, we need to lock down the Library for possibly one of the biggest fucking timesquiggles I’ve ever riffed.

“What do you think happened Lanie?” asked my brother. “I don’t know but-” I was cut off by a blinding bright light. I shielded my eyes and Parker grabbed me before anything happened. When Parker let me go, let me just say that I was not expecting this.

There in flesh and blood, Altair, Malik, Maria Thorpe, Ezio, Leonardo, Connor and Aveline, stood motionless in our living room, gawking at us and everything

Wow, that’s a lot of names… big ones, too.

*sigh* Look, people, I’m just gonna come out and say it: I physically CAN’T infodump all of these guys. There’s just too much information for me to cover all at one time, even as far as my habit of infodumping goes. They’re the MAIN PROTAGONISTS OF THE SERIES, with the exception of Maria Thorpe, Malik Al-Sayf and Leonardo Da Vinci, who were all supporting characters. That would be seven whole backstories for me to hack through all at once, and ain’t nobody got time for that – you could literally pack all seven of these guys’ plots into a manga, and it would be nearly as long as the entirety of the Naruto series. As I said once before, my brain turns to mush after a certain point when information overload kicks in.

However, I can at least give you pictures and links to the wiki to go with them, so I’m not leaving you completely in the dark.

And at least the author only goes as far as Assassin’s Creed 3, doesn’t include every major character in the lineup, and doesn’t bring Edward Kenway (Black Flag), Shay Cormac (Rogue) and Arno Dorian (Unity) into this. Poor Lyle’s still gonna have a heart attack from all the images I’m about to throw at her, though, because even the IMAGES are numerous.

Let’s start with Altair, since he’s the very first Assassin in the series, and because he’s by far my most favorite among the group.

O hai, Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad!

O hai, Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad!

And O hai to you, old Assassin Mentor Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad!

And O hai to you, old Assassin Mentor Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad!

Here’s all you need to know about Altair.

Next on the list: Malik.

O hai, Malik Al-Sayf!

O hai, Malik Al-Sayf!

And O hai, Malik, back when you had both arms!

And O hai, Malik, back when you had both arms!

Here’s some stuff about that Malik guy.

Next: Maria.

O hai, Maria Thorpe-disguised-as-Robert de Sable!

O hai, Maria Thorpe-disguised-as-Robert de Sable!

O hai, Maria Thorpe-not-disguised-as Robert de Sable!

O hai, Maria Thorpe-not-disguised-as Robert de Sable!

O hai, elderly Assassin Maria Thorpe!

O hai, elderly Assassin Maria Thorpe!

Let’s hope Maria doesn’t escape artist her way out of this fucking link…

Next up: Why, none other than my OTHER favorite Assassin of the bunch – Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, pre-Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze! (Nice injury, bro.)

O hai, pre-Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze! (Nice injury, bro.)

O hai, Rookie Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, Rookie Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, Pro Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze! (Sporting the ever-so-badass Armor of Altair, even!)

O hai, Pro Assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze! (Sporting the ever-so-badass Armor of Altair, even!)

O hai, Assassin Master Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, Assassin Master Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, Assassin Mentor Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

O hai, Assassin Mentor Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

Documented proof that fate loves screwing with people.

Next up, Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci! (And if you don’t know who this guy is, you clearly didn’t pay attention in history class.)

For some reason, the only good in-game renders of Young!Leonardo I could find always had Ezio budging in on them, so here's some concept art instead.

For some reason, the only good in-game renders of Young!Leonardo I could find always had Ezio budging in on them, so here’s some concept art instead.

O hai, Leonardo whilst growing an awesome beard!

O hai, Leonardo whilst growing an awesome beard!

Leonardo da Vinci isn’t actually an Assassin. In fact, he’s the only one on the list who isn’t.

Here’s how the series portrays him.

Aaand next up… Ra… Raton… Ratonhnhaké:ton (shit, that’s a mouthful), who we know better as Connor Kenway.

O hai, Connor!

O hai, Connor!

Here’s what you need to know about Connor “Holy shit my tongue is crying” Kenway.

And, last, but most certainly not least, the only female Assassin, and black Assassin, to have her own game – Aveline de Grandpré!

O hai, Aveline! (Also, that is a nice hat.)

O hai, Aveline! (Also, that is a nice hat.)

All you need to know about the only PRIMARY female protagonist in Assassin’s Creed.

SssssssssssssSHIT, that was a lot of links I had to copy down.

Well, I’ll let you all sift through that, meanwhile I’ma listen to some music.

(I don’t watch the anime, but I read the manga from time to time. Shit gets crazy.)

(Because I don’t think you all are done reading up yet.)

…So, was that enough of a brain-melter for you all?

Yes?

Good, now let’s move on. This chapter isn’t even that long and I’ve already got WAY too much shit happening.

“Uh, what the hell just happened?” asked Sarah as her voice wavered.

I broke minds with the biggest infodump I’ve ever not actually written. And it’s entirely your fault, author.

Parker and I didn’t glance at her. Barley look at her. We were too perplexed by the sight of assassins (and one artist) in our living room.

I’m perplexed that Edward Kenway isn’t anywhere in the mix. This fic was published VERY recently, Black Flag has been out for a while now.

“Bambina…could you tell us where we are?” asked Ezio, breaking the silence.

Hey, so nevermind that Ezio, and everybody else, would be freaking the fuck out – let’s get into how Ezio only speaks English BY WAY OF THE ANIMUS’ TRANSLATION PROGRAMS. As does EVERYBODY ELSE, except MAYBE Connor and Aveline, who are both from early Colonial America. Ezio should be going full-Renaissance-age Italian right now.

“But, SC! Ezio is able to communicate with the Istanbul Assassins just fine!”

I’m gonna assume that either he read up on their native tongue, or they at least TRIED to read up on his. It’s not like they wouldn’t be able to, it would just take a few years of practice. (I’m gonna guess the former, though, as it’s shown multiple times throughout Revelations that the Istanbul Assassins, and other notable characters from the game, have a very weak grasp of Italian.)

I paused before answering,”Canada. Toronto Canada.”

*a tumbleweed bounces by SC’s feet in the void*

Funny, I remember Toronto being a bit more lively than this.

Also, fun fact: Black Flag’s modern day plot chain takes place in Canada as well – Montreal, Ubisoft headquarters, who apparently (in-canon) merged with Abstergo.

Subtle, Ubisoft.

What?” “Welcome to 2014?” answered Sarah awkwardly.

Welcome to, “unattributed dialogue in the same line as attributed dialogue because I’m a huge jack-off who didn’t pay attention in English class!”

Yes, I am starting to get crabby.

“I’m sorry, what?” Aveline exclaimed.

NO THE FUCK SHE DID NOT!

Punch-computer3

“Your in Toronto, Canada…” I started.

Yeah? What ABOUT my in Toronto, Canada, huh? You wanna throw down, Lanie?

“What’s a Canada?” asked Malik.

And like how Ezio should be going Italian-mode right now, Malik should:

A. Not understand a word anybody is saying except for Altair and Maria (who probably picked up the language from Altair)

B. Be speaking rapid-fire Syrian right about now.

*the Library begins to vibrate ominously*

No seriously, where are the interns right now?

“A country…”

No, Toronto is a city. Try again.

“Who are you people anyways?” asked Altair.

I feel like Altair would be looking for a way to undo whatever he feels possibly did to cause this clusterfuck, rather than ask questions of any sort. I mean, considering his track record with causing clusterfucks…

“I’m Parker and this is my sister Sarah and our half-sister, Lanie”

I know Parker said that, but because the dialogue wasn’t properly attributed, it could very well have been some ghost saying that, for what anybody else knows.

And Ezio TOTALLY needs to be seeing more ghosts, amirite?

“Okay, listen to me. The year is 2014, got it?” asked Sarah. Everyone immediately turned pale. Leonardo wimpered…and fainted.

Damn it, Leo! Pull yourself together! You’ve dissected bodies for anatomical study, been forced by threat of death to craft horrible war machines for the Borgias and borne witness to the raw power of the Apple of Eden on multiple occasions!

“But SC! He’s never traveled through time bef-”

I GIVE NO SHITS!

“Oh great.” I said. I motioned for Parker to help me life him onto the couch.

That ain’t how CPR works.

“Oh god, what did this dude eat?” I complained. Sarah tried to sit him upright, but gave up after a few minutes and let him lay there.

Renaissance-age Italy. If you know anything about Italian folks and food, you’ll understand what I’m getting at.

“Why are we here?” asked Connor.

“We don’t know, but I guess you guys could stay here until we figure out a way.” I said.

I’m fairly certain that ALL of these guys would be too weirded out by your living space to be comfortable staying there.

OH, AND DID I MENTION THEY STILL HAVE THE PIECES OF EDEN, BECAUSE YOU NEVER INDICATED OTHERWISE?

Parker agreed that we would divide the house.

Nice of you to include everybody else in this discussion, Parker.

Me and Sarah would share her room, Aveline would take mine, Parker shared his with Ezio and Connor, and Maria and Altair took our parents rooms.

So where does Malik sleep?! The fucking laundry bin?! It wasn’t bad enough that his brother was murdered, he lost his arm and got demoted, and then Abbas had him framed for murder and then murdered, himself, now we’ve gotta give him shit lodging, too?! Can we please stop kicking Malik in the balls?!

“But, SC! What about Leonardo?”

Leo’s conked out on the couch, I don’t think I need to worry too much about him unless he doesn’t wake up in the next few hours.

“You have a large home” commented Connor.

Dude, Connor, your heritage is Kanien’kehá:ka (also known as the Mohawk people), those guys had friggin’ longhouses that were probably bigger than the building the three author inserts are living in.

I mean, seriously, this thing could almost be called a small, one-story mansion.

I mean, seriously, this thing could almost be called a small, one-story mansion.

“Oh, this is considered average. There are much bigger homes than this. Some with even 12 bedrooms instead of 3.” I said. Connor stared back at me with disbelief.

The part about the rooms, I might be able to understand. Although, that longhouse picture I put up seems to indicate that the Mohawks were big on multiple rooms, themselves. (Look, I’ll admit it – I’m not the most informed about Native American culture.)

“So, is anyone up for some Miso Ramen?” I asked. Everyone got confused, even my siblings.

…The Assassins (And Leo, if he ever wakes up), I’m not surprised. Your siblings, however, live under a fucking rock. Miso Ramen – or, really, any kind of Ramen – is pretty much a staple of college life and being home alone for extended periods of time.

“It’s Asian, but it’s super good!”.

*SC snags the period with an extendo-claw and pops it in the punctuation box*

Also, I’m fairly certain that the Ramen you’re talking about is produced in America, though I could be mistaken.

“Wait, is it the one you mad last week?” asked Parker. I nodded yes.

You “mad” it last week?

U-Mad-bro-random-30750110-194-259

“Yes! Make it please!”begged Parker.

Parker be like:

5Fjfx

“Alright, alright! Get off the ground and get some sausage from the store.” I said.

…Sausage? In MISO RAMEN?

Ghostie, I may need a second opinion, but this sounds like straight-up bullshit to me.

Parker nodded and ran out the door with shoes, car keys and money in hand.

And floated away into the void because, even though we know it’s Toronto, we were never told what PART of Toronto they live in.

I rolled my eyes and motioned for them to follow me to the kitchen.

Who are Them, you ask? Well, I can provide only one answer to your question:

THEM.

“But, SC-”

THEM.

Thus began questions and chaos.

Mostly chaos. Thank god none of the Auditore women are present for what I’m sure is going to be an… adventure, let’s call it, in the culinary arts.

A/N: There we go! Hope you all liked it!

Oh, I’m just on the edge of my seat with excitement.

I should probably scoot back and take some deep breaths. The ninjas tell me that excited edge-sitting is bad form.

Yes, I changed the location because I want to do a Christmas special without them going anywhere.

Which indicates to me that Toronto was possibly ripped from the original fic. Terrific.

But hope you like it! Brofist!

Sit your ass down, author. You have NOT earned a brofist from me.

*Whew* So, that was one hell of a fucking first chapter! I can only imagine that a series of unfortunate events-

NO!

NO!

-Are to follow.

But, that’s for next time.

As for right now, thanks for reading folks, and stay tuned for next chapter, where Leonardo might possibly have died from shock (I certainly hope so – it means he doesn’t have to suffer through this fic!), and a bunch of Assassins have culinary funtimes that aren’t at all indicative of the mood of the series, but hey, fuck canon, right? ToV: BAR is up next for realsies this time, and we round back out to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors again, I think, I may have forgotten my system already, shut up don’t judge me! Until then, I’m SC, and I’ll see you next time!

…Send me off, Venetian Rooftops!

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90 Comments on “925: Mysterios Hooded Man (MY VERSION) – Chapter One”

  1. SC says:

    Author comment: at the time I wrote this riff, I WAS still a guest-riffer. Lyle started dropping hints that I was up for the vote to be promoted to Librarian after I submit this monster, so consider this riff my guest-riffing mangum opus.

    And what does that mean, now that I’m a Librarian?

    FUCKING NOTHING!

    • The Crowbar says:

      What?

    • I think she just got tired of formatting your riffs. Because – Dude. That is the most image and link heavy riff I’ve seen.

      • SC says:

        Well, she SAID it was because I’d successfully pulled off a mostly-consistent year and a half of riffing, but yeah, if she did it just toavoid having to code shit, I honestly don’t blame her.

        It’s like this author knew of my habit of infodumping and wanted me (and everybody else) to suffer for my craft…

      • "Lyle" says:

        Uh, guys. I’m right here. I can hear you. ;)

        But it was a combination of “SC’s 1-year mark” and “IF I HAVE TO FORMAT ONE MORE RIFF WITH KALE’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE I’M GOING TO IMPLODE!”

        Picture formatting is easy.

      • SC says:

        Aaah, right, you did mention something about Kale.

        And I STILL don’t blame you.

  2. The Crowbar says:

    …So, was that enough of a brain-melter for you all?

    Ah-HA, joke’s on you!

    I’ve played all the games in the series (all before Black Flag) atleast 3 times!

  3. The Crowbar says:

    No seriously, where are the interns right now?

    *Motions for the painters to finish throwing the bodies into the nutrient vats*

    Eeh’, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  4. SC says:

    Sarah and Parker ran into the house (without even taking off their shoes).

    Oh, shit. I meant to put something funny here, but by the time I was finally done writing this riff, I just didn’t have the energy to bother going back and making sure all my jokes were properly inserted. And I honestly don’t feel like editing this whole riff to put the joke in now, so I’ll just leave it here:

  5. The Crowbar says:

    Hm, this is completely off-topic, but some completely random never-before seen lady started following my WordPress account…?

    Huh-wha?

  6. The Crowbar says:

    Man, this is actually an interestic concept, if pulled off correctly.

    • SC says:

      Yeah, I don’t hate the concept.

      Except, the author did it wrong, and when Herr gets here, you’ll know exactly HOW wrong, because he made it clear that he’s got a rant he’s itching to let loose about this riff.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh good. Can’t wait for that one!

        Also, is it just me, or is the Library a bit empty right now?

        There’s no stomping, no yelling, no killing, and after I turned the interns into Painter chow, it’s just been the two of us in the entire place today!

      • SC says:

        Well, it’s only about 6:30 for me. People don’t usually start showing up until a couple hours later.

        Plus, I’ve got the Saturday slot. It’s a random shot in hell that anybody will think to check to see if there’s a riff at all, save for the folks who already know.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    If Shadow-wild is reading this, I mean no copyright. I just really enjoyed your story, and I wanted it to continue. Seeing that you haven’t update since last year, I decided to take it upon myself to revise this. It is not copied word for word, maybe sometimes, but I hope you all enjoy!

    And now, ladies and gentlemen, is rant time.

    *takes off gloves*

    First of all, author, it’s called “copyright infringement”. “Copyright” is the noun which is used to assign who maintains legal ownership of any property; you can’t “intend” copyright unless you were to submit it to the copyright office of the US government. So before you even go about claiming you didn’t mean it, you might want to know the correct terminology first so you don’t look like a moron who has no idea what she’s talking about.

    Two, even without that… you just really enjoyed the story and wanted it to continue? Gee, maybe there were reasons he stopped updating it. Either way, it’s not your place to take up the slack for the original author and say “now I’m going to finish this myself”. Granted, I have seen far, far more arrogant reasons to take a property and do something with it (and I’ll get to that in a bit), but seriously?

    Third… “maybe sometimes”? Okay, for reference, SC scrounged up the original fic you stole from. Yes, I use steal, because it’s obvious with a text comparison that a huge portion of the chapter that you supposedly wrote was actually also stolen from Shadow-wild. And I mean huge, by the way: at least half the first chapter is plagiarized whole-sale from Shadow-wild. So you, madam, have engaged in plagiarism, and to boot you’re showing signs of having the EclipsePheniox attitude towards plagiarism. So don’t sit there innocently saying “I mean no copyright”: as I told EP, it doesn’t matter what you claim, it matters what you did. And you stole someone else’s fic, all while maintaining ignorance of the consequences.

    And you know, I wouldn’t have been anywhere near as livid as I actually am if not for the fact that you said “I decided to take it upon myself to revise this”. Let me ask you something, Pandahawaiian123: who do you think you are to decide “hey, someone else wrote this fic, I’m gonna revise it without his permission”? And yes, I’m saying “without permission”, because you have implied throughout your summary and your author’s notes that you began this venture without the author’s express approval!

    Do you know how I think Shadow-wild would feel? He’d feel absolutely fucking betrayed by your actions! Trust me, I’d fucking know: I was very nearly on the receiving end of an author just like you once.

    Okay, do you guys remember the guy I bitched about in the New World Order I: A planets Corupption snarking? You know, the guy that triggered my elephant in the room segment about how I’m not fond of people using the autism excuse? Yeah, there’s a reason I called him this:

    That guy who publicly announced his intent to steal my story when I refused to bend to his attempt to enforce some narrative control over my story?

    Yeah. It’s a much longer, much more complicated story, but let’s reduce it down to the elements: when I was writing Mass Vexations 3, this author was constantly complaining about stuff I was doing in there. Fair enough: there was bullshit aplenty to go around in MV3. But he took it too far, in that he offered no suggestions on how to fix it. In addition, I had foolishly accepted a character he wanted me to include in my story because he wouldn’t shut up about wanting his character in my story: once he got that, he was trying to enforce more literary control over what his character did. That wouldn’t have been so bad, if not for the fact that it was clear from the direction he wanted to go with that character that he was trying to push me towards doing more plot regurgitation of the actual ME3 within MV3 than I wanted to, and that gave me the feeling that he was trying to get me to write the story he wanted to tell, just because I gave his character free reign to exist in my universe.

    As soon as I cut off all ties with him, he then posted a journal onto DA in which he expressed his desire to steal MV3 out from under me and rewrite the whole thing himself. This, despite the fact that other people had discouraged him from doing it: and yes, those other people agree that what he did was theft.

    So as someone who was very nearly on the receiving end of someone who stole another person’s fic to “revise” it, how fucking dare you, Pandahawaiian123! How fucking dare you, you arrogant bitch! Who the fuck do you think you are? You have no right to claim you know better than the author of the original does. You better be fucking thankful you didn’t have malicious intent, I’ll say that much, but the state of your being as it is now is still fucking deplorable!

    Fuck you, Pandahawaiian123! Fuck you, and fuck “your” story!

    *headdesk*

    Jeez, and I haven’t even left the first fucking author’s note. This is gonna be a fucking fun ride.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Oh God, this is gonna be fun times for you, isn’t it?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        You have no fucking idea. Ask SC: he can tell you all about how far the rabbit hole really goes…

      • SC says:

        I’ve got only one complaint with your rant:

        *Pandahawaiian123.

        I’m one of those people who believes that, if you’re going to get pissed at somebody, you should still remember to get their name right so they can’t call you out for being an idiot in that regard, see.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah, I see. That has been fixed now. Thankies!

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    My older sister Sarah was saying goodbye to my parents. They were going away for the whole summer, so it would just be Lanie, that’s me, Sarah and Parker.

    *headdesk*

    That has to be the most awkward introduction of our narrator’s name that I have ever seen in my life.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Do you know how long it takes to wash this mess! Like 1 hour!

    Oh, so you’ve basically got hair like this:

    Riiiight…

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, should you really be admitting that you’re an underage dancer? Especially since you didn’t specify what KIND of dancer you are?

    Well, to be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a dance studio in America that ever offered exotic dancing lessons. So really, “stripper” is off the table no matter how you put it.

    Trust me, my sister was enrolled in dance studios for almost all of her childhood and teenage years. I’d know.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and stuffed it into my moth.

    Wait, why do you own a moth?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Why, none other than my OTHER favorite Assassin of the bunch – Ezio Auditore da Firenze!

    Aaaah, that reminds me. I still need to finish AC2…

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Hey, so nevermind that Ezio, and everybody else, would be freaking the fuck out – let’s get into how Ezio only speaks English BY WAY OF THE ANIMUS’ TRANSLATION PROGRAMS.

    And what about Altair only being able to speak English by way of the Animus’ translation programs? Hell, there was even like a three-second piece of plot in which Lucy had to actually turn on the translation programs ’cause they weren’t on for whatever reason!

    • SC says:

      Well, I covered that with Malik, but still.

      Oh, and speaking of Malik: I’m still pissed that the author was such a bitch to him that she didn’t even bother writing his bedding area. So, everybody else in the building gets at least a bed or couch to sleep on, but Malik gets nothing? That’s grounds for him to punch you out with his good arm.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Oh great.” I said. I motioned for Parker to help me life him onto the couch.

    *squints*

    Um… I don’t think that’s how Final Fantasy magic works, dude.

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (Look, I’ll admit it – I’m not the most informed about Native American culture.)

    Hm…

    *ponders*

    Let me ask someone I know about these longhouses.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    …Sausage? In MISO RAMEN?

    *facepalm*

    SC, I’ve seen Chef Ramsay use miso paste to flavor salmon before. That alone should tell you right there that mixing miso paste with any kind of sausage that would already be flavored with various spice is kind of a terrible, terrible idea.

  17. Do you know how long it takes to wash this mess! Like 1 hour!

    The hell it does. What are you doing, giving yourself a tongue-bath like a cat?

  18. Anyways, since I am half-Filipino (my dad re-mmaried, and my mom is Sarah and Parkers parents, and the Filipino side comes from my mom), my skin is medium and I am skinny.

    There’s a lot of Moms up in here, but I think she’s saying that her biological mother is Filipino but her biological father remarried Sarah and Parker’s mother, who is now her mother.

    • SC says:

      Not like she did anything to make that clear.

      And she STILL implied that medium-toned skin is some kind of medical emergency, and dat’s wacist.

  19. …Sausage? In MISO RAMEN?

    Ghostie, I may need a second opinion, but this sounds like straight-up bullshit to me.

    Ground pork, yes – sausage? Probably not, unless you can’t tell the difference between sausage and ground pork, or you were going to use the sausage as a topping.

  20. infinity421 says:

    I was in my living room playing Five Nights at Freddy’s on my IPad mini.

    http://tinyurl.com/q8hgxap

  21. I couldn’t find a decent crossover pick between creed and five nights, but I did find Deadpool as an assassin.


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