923: Jasmine cumslut – Chapter One

Title: Jasmine cumslut
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media:  Movies/Video Game
Topic: Aladdin/Mass Effect
Genre: “Romance”
URL: Jasmine cumslut: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Crunchy, and Sura T’Lenya

WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking: because of the way the subject is treated in this fic, those who are sensitive to the subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this riff entirely.

Crunchy: *walks in* Monkey, I went to go steal some of your key lime pies from the stash, and I found they were all gone. I saw the darkwraiths run off with—

*looks at Crunchy halfway through his twelfth pie*

C: Oh, you were eating all of them. Am I mistaken, or do you monkeys usually worry about your digestive systems?

*swallows, takes another bite, then points at the desk*

C: *walks to the desk, reads the title* “Jasmine cumslut”?

*nods*

C: Well what kind of title is that? It seems… Unless… Hm. Well, I am glad I’m not one of you monkeys. I do not like getting offended an awful lot. It is rather bad for the temper, as you know.

*swallows*

And that, Crunchy, is why I’m glad that my childhood was more centered around Rodgers and Hammerstein and classic Disney than it was on the movies of the Disney Renaissance. At least then, the rape of my childhood isn’t as bad as it could have been. For all the other 90’s kids, though…

C: You monkeys are so defensive of your property.

Yeah, that about describes the author of this fic, too. And in case you’re wondering, Crunchy, yes: this was written by the same douchebag who “gifted” us with From Another World.

C: From Another World? You cannot mean…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is another EP “masterpiece” we’ll be snarking today, and boy is it bad. Honestly, I think it’s bad enough that it’ll unseat Gabriel Hawke as the squickiest thing I’ve ever snarked with the Library, I really do.

So in that event, I’m not up for entering this fic alone. Crunchy, you want in?

C: I can prepare the darkwraiths if you need them, but you cannot convince me to stay here. Goeth has told me all sorts of things about From Another World, and if that is any indication I think my time would be better used elsewhere.

Okay, I’ll go ahead and let you leave. But just remember, if you don’t do it here, I will pull you in if I do Victor Tarsus’ Sonic fanfic that he—

C: On second thought, an EP fic does not sound so bad.

Smart raptor.

Anyway, guys, I don’t think just Crunchy alone is gonna do it, so I’m gonna take a page from SC’s book and bring in one of my OCs.

C: You have original characters?

Yep, and this particular one is actually in my ongoing fanfic They Who Fight Monsters. So let’s introduce miss Sura T’Lenya.

Sura T’Lenya: You know, you’ve just set me up to be fired if they ever find out I’m here.

C: So your superiors do not know that you are here? Excellent… Perhaps I shall—

*BAM*

C: What was that for, monkey?

Crunchy, you shall not introduce Sura to the Dark Side while you’re here, okay?

S: You won’t have to worry about that. I saw enough girls dance on poles in Omega to know that that wasn’t the life for me.

C: Girls dancing on poles? What do you take me for, a lecher? The Sith are many things, you… great, big, blue… something, but they are not—

Now now, let’s not get sidetracked, okay? We can talk about the particulars of the Sith later.

C: Fine.

Anyway, Sura T’Lenya is my hardass asari cop character from They Who Fight Monsters. Essentially, I thought of her as a sarcastic, by the book Clint Eastwood with breasts. She is a part of C-SEC, and is the cop that Jodie Holmes deals with quite a bit whenever she’s on the Citadel. Oh, it’s not ‘cause Jodie got on her bad side or is breaking the law a lot, no. She just happens to bump into Sura a lot whenever she’s on the station, so they have a somewhat friendly relationship. In fact, when I get around to writing it, Sura is going to be a major ally for Jodie and the circle of friends she accumulated in her first month on the Citadel.

S: I’m still not sure why I’d be an ally for the accidental racist.

You’ll see, Sura. You’ll see.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s get on to this fic, shall we? I’ve gone on for a bit and we haven’t even started the story proper.

I own nothing.

S: Good. I didn’t want to spend time thinking about how I’d arrest this kid for copyright infringement.

Um… I don’t think copyright infringement is an arrestable offense in the 21st Century, Sura.

S: I guess it doesn’t really matter, though. Earth wasn’t in my jurisdiction at that time, and unless the executor sent a memo I haven’t gotten yet it won’t be in my jurisdiction.

C: Well, blue something, I suppose you would be interested to know that jurisdictions do not exist among the—

Crunchy, do you want to get hit by Alma again?

C: You forget I have Force Lightning.

S: And you forget that Herr can order me to do whatever he wants me to. I’m not known for being the bad cop, but if he tells me to use Alma to make you uglier than you already are, then—

C: No, I do not particularly wish to be struck by Alma.

Good. Just keep that in mind.

Anyway, we start the fic proper with this:

Jasmine had no idea how much time had passed since she was taken.

*remains silent*

C: Is this not the time at which you would make one of those silly “that is what she said” jokes, monkey?

Crunchy, you read the title of this fic! I’m too scared of the fact that it’ll probably be true to make that joke!

The bars of her cadge where cold and restraining.

The bars of her cadge? When did Jasmine turn into a hawk?

S: It also strikes me as pointless to have bars on a cadge. Those things are used for transport, right?

I think they are…

S: Well, whoever is holding her captive is an idiot in that case. Also, the bars were cold and restraining? As opposed to the ones that were warm and inviting?

C: We have not even finished the second sentence and I fear for my sanity.

You survived Raptor and I and Jedi’s Destiny, dude, I think you’ll be fine.

Her chains that she wore may feel nice with the leather but restraining.

C: I was under the impression that metal and leather chafed.

S: They do, which is why C-SEC doesn’t use that anymore. Don’t tell me you still use them.

C: What do you take me for, a primitive? The Sith have no need for restraints of that nature.

Yeah, go ask Princess Leia about that some time. She wasn’t really restrained that way.

The gag she wore never felt slack. The other women in their cadges where silent as they would be electrocuted in they gave any sound.

S: Well, thank you for this, Herr: I think I’ve found a new slaver ring to get the Spectres to take down. I don’t like dealing with them, but—

Oh, believe me Sura, it’s not batarians.

S: What?

Yeah, Sura, you’re in the Library. Trust me, if something seems to make sense, there’s usually a much dumber development waiting right around the corner.

Fear was the best weapon for slaves. Jasmine had already seen several slaves executed as they were too unruly.

And you decided not to show us this because…?

S: Well, Herr, it’s actually a brilliant tactic on their part. Now I can’t show any tapes to these bastards, because that means I can’t prove they killed people.

Dammit!

*shakes fist*

You win this round, EP!

S: Only this round?

Sura, I’ve read this fic before. It gets worse. Holy God, it gets so much worse.

C: Is that why you were eating all of the pies in your stash?

Yes, Crunchy. Yes it is.

Just then the lights came on and several black cloaked people entered.

See, Sura? These guys aren’t batarians.

S: Yeah, batarians aren’t the type to cosplay as villains from human movies about the Skywalkers.

C: Why would Jabba the Hut wear a black cloak?

They moved along the cadges taking a slave out and examining her before being taken away.

S: These slavers are amateurs if they need a crane to physically remove them from their own holding area.

That, or they just vanished into the SDQF. You never can tell what sorts of things happen in the formless void.

They soon came to Jasmines cadge. They opened it and two of the black cloaked figures pulled her out by her arms. She stood still not moving, fear gripped her as she looked that these people.

As she looked that these people… wouldn’t slap her in the face? Wouldn’t spit in her eye? Wouldn’t throw her out the airlock? What, fanfic? What!?

One of then held their arm out and stroked her dark skin.

“Mmm yes silky soft. These eyes are also nice.” the person said in a female voice. “We need to enlarge her breasts however.”

S:

Sura?

S: And suddenly, I don’t envy the ones that were executed.

You know? Neither do I. They at least got to leave this fic before the worst stuff began.

“Yes. She is a fine woman. Virgin yes, but it seems she enjoys the ‘food’ we give her.” a larger one said.

*keeps mouth shut*

C: Come on, monkey, this is where you say the joke!

No it isn’t!

C: And? I am sure there is nothing disgusting about you saying “that is what she said” at this particular venture!

Jasmine raised a brow at the the way they said food.

“Ahhh a cumslut. Yes we can work with that.” the woman said. “Yes we’ll take her.”

C:

And now you know why I didn’t say it.

C: And one of you—

S: What the hell is this? They capture this woman, hold her against her will, and feed her semen for sustenance without her knowing it? Excuse me for a second, I think there’s a toilet stall calling my name. *runs to the bathroom, sounds of retching heard from within*

… I guess I shouldn’t tell her that it’s impossible to survive on a diet that only consists of semen and that they would logically be setting Jasmine up to die of malnutrition.

C: Yes. I would say that is warranted. The monkey that wrote From Another World wrote this?

Yes.

S: *walks back in* And I wondered why you thought this man was twisted. Goddess…

I know, right? Let’s keep going, guys.

One of the people then fastened a collar around Jasmine’s neck. She was then taken away by one of the people to a small room.

C: Is he going to show her the world?

Do you want to get hit by Alma right now?

C: I will take that as a no.

Other female slaves where in but they where blindfolded.

S: Well, I guess it’s nice to know that not even the story knows where these people are. Now I can’t make any arrests.

Wait, I thought arrests made out of shift meant paperwork you wouldn’t like.

S: I’d make an exception for these sick fucks. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Pallin let me operate outside of my jurisdiction on these fuckers.

I’m not sure you’d have to worry about that: I’m pretty sure this is the only instance where Pallin would support the Council sending an entire battalion of Spectres after something.

Jasmine was forced onto the seat and had her arms fastened over her head. Her ankles fastened to the floor.

C: Ankles fastened to the floor? I was under the impression that the position required for that to happen would be uncomfortable for you monkeys.

S: It is uncomfortable for them. And for us, too…

The chains that connected her cuffs where removed. The person who locked her in then picked up a leather blindfold and placed it over her eyes.

S: Hm… Do you think I should stop by the adult store on my way back to my office to see if their stock is still there?

I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Sura. You’ve already got enough reason to arrest them, don’t you know?

S: True. But hey, having a little extra reason can’t hurt, you know?

C: The blue something makes sense. Perhaps I can speak to you in—

Don’t even think about it, Crunchy.

C: Spoilsport.

She lost track of time as she tried to listen to what’s happening around her. But it was hard to. She fell asleep in her chains dreaming of her home.

C: So she appears in chains, is in a very dire situation… and she falls asleep.

Yep.

C: What sick world is this taking place in?

I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s the Formless Void. Not even the Formless Void wants anything to do with this story, and you know you’ve failed when that happens.

When she awoke she found herself in a cell. Her hands and ankles once again cuffed together. But this time she wore elbow gloves and fuck-me-boots.

Oh fuck me.

S: What’s wrong now?

Just what we fucking needed. Underwhelming costume porn. In a fucking porno.

C: Shall I signal the ninjas to prepare the bolt tape for GhostCat?

Go ahead. Just make sure you get Ishi-Sensei as well, he might try to break her out.

S: I was under the impression that they hated each other.

Ghostie hid Ishi from his rampaging wife once. Opinions tend to change when that happens.

S: Fair enough.

Just as she was about to get up two women wearing leather harnesses, leather hoods but with eyes open and piercings on their belly’s, nipples and vagina.

So the leather hoods were keeping those ladies’ eyes closed? Jesus, how far over their faces do those hoods extend?

S: And why could she see that their vaginas were pierced. Unless… Oh no…

Yep, they look like they’re naked.

They entered and one of them moved fast to Jasmine and sat on her chest pining her.

C: And now they are inserting pine cones into every orifice they can find. I find that to be woefully inefficient of them to do.

Where the hell did they even get the pine cones, anyway?

The old princess didn’t dare move.

The old princess? Jeez, Aladdin and Jasmine sure did wait a long-ass time to get married, didn’t they?

S: I remember watching that movie once when a coworker recommended it to me. The sultan did change the law that Jasmine had to follow, didn’t he?

Yeah, but that hardly helps you considering the mortality rate of the day!

C: I hardly think Disney films adhered to reality in such a manner.

Maybe not, but I have reasons to think that way that you’ll see soon enough.

The other leather clad woman then approached holding a device.

It’s a device so important and so functional to what little plot this thing has that it would be completely pointless to describe this device.

The woman then pressed the device between Jasmine’s belly and pussy. A burn then hit Jasmine hard from where the device was.

C: Ooh, I did not know that there was a device that hit you with burn victims.

Oh come on, really, Crunchy?

S: It could always just lop off the burn wound itself and hit Jasmine with that. Or perhaps taking off the whole limb itself and then hitting her with just the burn wound would be more in its style…

Gah!

After a moment the two leather clad women then left. The cell door closed as Jasmine looked at the new item on her body. It was a bar code of some kind.

S: These guys are now worse than batarian slavers. Not even batarians brand their slaves like this!

Don’t forget that Jasmine didn’t even scream when they burned that into her body. So not only did they burn a bar code into her body, but they also had her under enough fear that she did not even scream upon being burned in such a way that would require that bar code to permanently scar! And that’s even more reason to arrest them, right?

S: Oh, that’s not even the icing on the cake.

It isn’t? What makes you say that?

S: These dumbasses just left a calling card that can be traced back to them. How many slaver outfits do you know that burn an indication of merchandising into the bodies of their victims?

Holy shit, you’re right! If they did this to Jasmine, chances are that all the others have it! Yes! These slavers are going down!

C: I am more interested in knowing why those stupid monkeys that put that brand on her left that device in the cell with her. If it can burn flesh hard enough to leave that kind of wound, would it not follow that she could potentially use it to escape?

Even better! Though, would Jasmine really know how to get out without getting caught again?

C: Probably not, but if she did attempt to escape I would not be averse to aiding her.

I know, right? Let’s hope this keeps up!

After a moment a flap at the back of the room opened and a bowl full of white stuff came in.

*cringe*

S: Oh no, here we go…

She got up and picked up the bowl. She remembered what the people who looked at her talked about the food. They called her a ‘cumslut’.

S: So do you want me to thank this dumbass for assuming we’ve all got the memory span of a goldfish?

No. Trust me, it’s not worth it, especially since the audience that likes EP’s fanfiction is made up of the kind of idiots that would need to be reminded of what happened only a few paragraphs ago.

She remembered some slaves loving the stuff coming out of males and females genitalia.

You know, because people are perfectly capable of remembering that which they never saw in the first place.

Could she be one of them. At the moment she couldn’t think properly. Placing the tip of the bowl on her mouth she then tipped it and the stuff flowed into her mouth. She never tasted anything better. Savouring the taste as it when down her pussy became wet as she drank it.

C: So she is in a situation that is extremely dangerous, she has been branded, she has been fed something utterly disgusting to be fed, and her response is to be… aroused by it?

So much so that, apparently, she tried to eat some of it with her pussy before actually drinking the damn bowl.

S: Yeah, she’s going to need heavy-duty psychological evaluation once we get her out of there.

Tell me about it.

The stuff fell down her chin as she finished. Not wanting to waste it she scooped up the stuff with her finger and slid it in her mouth. She loved the taste and texture of her food and she wanted more. She slid the bowl back through the flap.

This is an exploitation fic, isn’t it?

S: I don’t think so. I don’t think that being part of a genre involves being so fucked up the genre doesn’t want you.

True, but you have to wonder, right?

Just then two leather clad women dragged a slave cross the floor. Unlike Jasmine she wore jewellery instead of leather. The clad women then shoved her into the cell opposite Jasmine’s cell.

The women then left as the slave rose up.

C: So these captors are dragging their captives around as if they were subhuman, and they are throwing them into cages. Should this not be the prose used in a horror fic?

It should, but trust me, it’s not. Trust me, I need a drink.

*sips sangria*

“Hey you ok?” Jasmine said.

“Yeah I’m fine. I just disobeyed mistress.”

*spittake*

WHAT THE FUCK!?

S: Herr, really? Right on my C-SEC uniform? Well, I guess I need to stop by—

“Mistress?”

“The one who own’s us. The Mistress own’s all of us. I’m part of her harem and soon to be pregnant. You are part of her brothel and will service men and women alike.”

C: I cannot be reading this right. These slaves are being owned by a woman?

I guess so.

C: Is this not the author of From Another World?

Well, don’t forget that From Another World also had the whole “the only gay people are lesbians, ‘cause lesbians are hot and they always think with their clitoris” thing going with it.

S: Wait, really?

Why do you think I wrote you as “female Clint Eastwood”?

S: If this keeps up, I might just have to use those headdesking pillows you told me about.

Jasmine could hardly believe the stuff she was saying.

What, you mean that reenactment of 4’33” that she’s been doing since her captors burned that bar code into her torso?

Jasmine wanted to be free but this woman sounded that she liked it here. No one could accept their own slavery. Jasmine didn’t want to be a slave but it seemed that fate had other ideas.

*stores quote*

S: Don’t put it in there. You might sully the place you’re holding it in.

Oh, don’t worry, Sura, the holding space will be fine. No, I’m just storing it for later. You’ll see why that is.

“Soon you will have a mask put on and taste bliss.”

S: I wasn’t aware that bliss tasted like cheap leather. I always thought it was the taste of passion fruit soufflé, myself.

C: It tastes more like baby seal blood to me.

So you’re the one who’s been stealing from Goeth’s baby seal blood supply lately!

C: What do you take me for, a thief? I may be a Sith, but I would not descend to such petty lengths. Now, if you will excuse me, I have this I must drink. *drinks a suspicious red-tinted drink*

“Mask?”

“The pussy mask… you pleasure it and it feed you cum otherwise you choke. It’s a great tool for a cumslut like you.”

C: *spittake*

Sura, please tell me you filmed that.

S: I didn’t.

Dammit!

*kicks the desk*

C: A mask that forces you to ingest semen? And if you do not ingest the semen, you drown in the semen?

Yes, Crunchy.

C: I am beginning to question if keeping your entire species alive was really a smart decision.

You know? Considering what we’re dealing with here, I don’t blame you.

Just then two leather clad women walked in front of Jasmine’s cadge and opened it. Jasmine stood as they walked towards her and fastened a leash onto her collar ring. These women didn’t talk as they wore odd masks with white stuff oozing out the edges.

I’ll assume these aren’t the hooded ladies from before, but two different women from the ones that burned the bar code onto Jasmine. ‘Cause that’s easier to sw—

S: Don’t you dare finish that word.

‘Cause it’s easier to accept that quick costume changes don’t happen in this world.

Her hands where then brought behind her back and cuffed together. One of the women then slid a dildo gag in her mouth.

A dildo gag? Those things don’t even exist, and even if they did they’d probably be outlawed because of the choking hazard they pose!

C: Absolute barbarians, these slavers. I do hope this does not devolve into anything worse than this.

The two women then lead her away from the cell. They took her through lovely white and gold corridors with the sounds of chains and their footsteps sounding.

*SIRENS BLARE*

S: Goddess, what’s that?

Don’t worry, Sura, it’s just the DRD. Crunchy!

C: Of course. Darkwraiths! Unleash the phazon cannon!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

S: And you said this technology originated in what?

Metroid.

S: I suppose it’s a good thing that we’re not in the same galaxy as… that. I’d be afraid for our existence if that ever got discovered.

Yeah, you and half the world, Sura.

Jasmine felt incredibly horny as she walked but couldn’t do anything about it. Normally she would think about something else but this time the urge to play with herself had been growing stronger by the second.

C: Again with being aroused in a situation where you are held captive?

S: I never thought you’d be the type to worry about the well-being of your prisoners.

C: Of course I would worry in this case. Seeing a prisoner adjust to life in captivity to the point of arousal is just creepy, and one does not need to feel unsettled while plotting the take-over of the galaxy. It tends to lead to mistakes.

S: Oh. And here I thought you had standards.

Well, Sura, he is a Sith raptor. I’m not sure what else you were expecting.

S: I don’t know either, and I didn’t know what to expect of this fic, either. At least there are no asari in it. *sips water*

The two women then opened the doors to a room covered with chains, leather and other bondage implements. In the centre sat a woman in red leather with a blue skinned woman licking her pussy. Jasmine had heard about them, Asari, an all female race who where recently enslaved from one of the planetary empires.

S: *spittake*

C: Hold a second. Something is off here.

S: Well no shit, genius. Did your magical Sith sense only just tell you that something was off with this whole thing?

C: I was not speaking of all we have seen so far. I assumed we did not need to speak of this further. No, I am speaking of the asari appearing.

And Jasmine knowing something about what they are.

C: Yes.

Even though Agrabah is pretty much ancient Arabia as filtered through Las Vegas, it was shown throughout A Whole New World that it did not have much in the way of global relations, and that it thus has no space travel.

C: Yes.

Believe me Crunchy, I recognize how stupid it is. And there’s an explanation that comes up that manages to be even stupider than what you might assume at first.

S: I can hardly wait.

Neither can I, Sura.

*rubs Alma’s head*

Neither can I…

Interestingly the Asari had black latex skin but her neck up was blue.

Oh, and she’s had latex fetish gear surgically attached to her body!

S: If I didn’t know better, I would assume this fic is intentionally trying to piss me off.

Trust me, Sura, so do I. But alas, this is fucking EclipsePheniox, so of course it isn’t meant to be a trollfic.

The woman in red then screamed in pleasure as she came. The Asari then stood and walked out. The woman then noticed Jasmine.

“Ahh Jasmine.” She said standing. “Such a beautiful woman. Now let me tell you what will happen. You will be trained until I think you are ready for breeding. But first your body must be changed for that to happen.”

C: What could these slavers do to Jasmine’s body that would allow her to breed any more efficiently than she already can? I assumed that most monkeys had the same capacity to breed as others.

S: I have the feeling that’s not what this “Mistress” is talking about.

The woman then lead Jasmine and the other two slaves into a dark room. For the first time ever Jasmine was afraid.

Oh, only now do you express any fear? Oh no, being held against your will, being given a diet of nothing but semen, being stripped naked and dressed in ways inappropriate to your culture, and seeing all the horrible things happening all around you? Oh, that’s normal. No, the only time the fear should be kicking in is when you are dragged into a dark room! Only then can you be afraid!

S: Well, being dragged into a dark room can be pretty terrifying.

After her aroused reaction to everything else? Yeah, I think you’ll forgive me if I take that with about eight thousand grains of salt.

S: Fair enough.

Anyway, guys, that’s all I think I can stomach today. I’m gonna leave it here, and then next time, we’ll go into the next chapter of this thing. And next chapter…

Oh God…

It gets worse. You’re not going to believe that, but it actually gets worse.

C: I can hardly wait.

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129 Comments on “923: Jasmine cumslut – Chapter One”

  1. leobracer says:

    Robin Williams is rolling in his grave.

  2. SC says:

    so I’m gonna take a page from SC’s book and bring in one of my OCs.

    I’m not, for one second, reading any of the riff beyond this point.

    I just wanted to respond to this by informing the world that I am, indeed, a bad influence.

  3. leobracer says:

    Have you ever seen a fan artist or a fanfiction author who upon being accused of ‘Childhood Rape’ replied with:

    “Oh boo-f***ing-hoo. Nobody cares.”

    or

    “Grow up.”

    or

    “Welcome to adulthood.”

    or something that’s just as bad or worse?

  4. The Crowbar says:

    …I read the title and literally instantly went:

    “COME ON, HERR!”

    …Ghostie, the Library is going to need a lot of new carpets soon, because I’m breaking out the ryncol kegs.

  5. The Crowbar says:

    You ate all the pies in your stash to prepare for this?!

    …I’m afraid.

    I am very afraid all of a sudden.

  6. The Crowbar says:

    The old princess didn’t dare move.

    BACKTRACK, BACKTRACK, BACKTRACK!

    As in, Jasmine the Disney Princess?!

    …Gonna murder EP…

  7. The Crowbar says:

    And this gets even worse?!

    Herr Wozzeck, what have you done?!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I looked at EP’s other fanfiction. You know, just like he told me to.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Mein Gott…

      • parrish122 says:

        Herr, when he told you to read his other stuff…was he implying that you’d be impressed by it? Or was he saying that From Another World wasn’t so bad compared to this? Because if he was saying, “Hey, if you think that’s bad, look at this!” I’d say he’s got a point. If he thinks this garbage is good…there isn’t enough therapy in the world to fix him.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah, that’s right. Yeah, you missed the whole “Open Letter to EP” fiasco that happened.

        Yeah. To make a long story short, EP expressed the wish to just abandon FAW a couple months back. But he expressed the thing that “I PLAGIARIZED BY ACCIDENT”, which is complete bullshit. So I wrote an open letter on a DA journal in response to that that called him on that.

        His response was to call me a troll. That was chief among other things, but he also told me to read his other fanfics instead of judging him on the faults of one, so…

      • parrish122 says:

        I’ll have to hunt down this letter. I’m not sure what is more insane–*him* calling you a troll, or claiming he copied that other story by accident! How does that even happen? Does he have MPD and one of his alters ripped off the other writer? (I sincerely hope not. More than one version of EP is too frightening to think about.)

      • parrish122 says:

        Wow…so I missed out on a lot while I was away! I think I’m caught up now. I’d hate to have to contend with this guy in real life. Clearly he’s used to getting away with his behavior by throwing around half-baked excuses and/or going on the attack.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I know, right? It kind of makes me wonder where the hell he got it from, but I know that answer ’cause I’ve seen that sort of thing before.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    And that, Crunchy, is why I’m glad that my childhood was more centered around Rodgers and Hammerstein and classic Disney than it was on the movies of the Disney Renaissance. At least then, the rape of my childhood isn’t as bad as it could have been. For all the other 90’s kids, though…

    Don’t worry, I grew up on Original Trek, so I think I’ll be safe.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    “The pussy mask… you pleasure it and it feed you cum otherwise you choke. It’s a great tool for a cumslut like you.”

    I addition to everything else, where is all that semen coming from? You can’t just violate the conservation of mass like that!

    Also, that’s disgusting.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You know what? The concept in itself is so fucked up and wrong that I’m not even going to bother questioning where the fuck it gets the semen from. Knowing EP, it’s probably some magical bullshit anyway that has an incredibly dumb explanation.

      • Just the sheer volume of semen required for all of this … there’d have the be stables of guys doing nothing but jacking off 24/7.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        And that just makes this whole enterprise even more wrong than it already was…

      • The Crowbar says:

        That would one weird job…

        Just imagine your parents visiting.

        The scariest part of the thing wouldn’t be the possibility of them checking your browser history, but the question: “So, where do you work now?”

      • Just think of the chafing issues!

        And masturbation is going to get old really quick if you’ve got hourly quotas to meet.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Not to mention it’ll really slow production down if you keep it up non-stop. Dudes gotta recharge, you know what I’m sayin’?

      • Yeah, there’s have to be new guys rotated in to refresh production.

        I know it’s some kind of fetish, but the logistics of this scenario requires a metric fuckton of male slaves just to maintain one of these cumsluts. It’s completely impractical.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yeah, well, don’t expect EP to know a single damn thing about practicality or anything bound by the rules of some silly thing like logic. Nope, getting his fap material out to the world is more important!

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well, really, if they replaced actual semen with a synthetic substitute that can be mass produced, would anyone really know the difference?

        (I cannot believe I am asking this question.)

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It’s gotten to the point where someone has seriously asked that question.

        *headdesk*

        I can’t even right now. I just… I can’t even.

      • If the synthetic semen was nutritionally enriched, then it would be a more viable meal replacement option. But then why would Jasmine be getting turned on by it? It’s like getting all hot and bothered over a bowl of oatmeal.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well, my whole point was that if the synthetic semen was similar in texture, color, etc. to the real thing, “Jasmine” would have no way of knowing it was synthetic.

        (Why the hell is this my point??)

      • She’s also supposed to be a virgin with no experience with the “source”, so it wouldn’t matter if it was identical in all aspects – it could be mint-flavored pudding and she wouldn’t know the difference.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        True, so I guess it’s just a general question of “who gets turned on by eating semen?” more than anything else.

        Which is not a question I necessarily want answered.

      • The answer’s probably “EclipsePheniox”, anyway.

      • DasCheesenBorgir says:

        Probably strap them into barbed wire-laced chairs and graft vacuum cleaners into their urethrae.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

        *runs and hides*

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Interestingly the Asari had black latex skin but her neck up was blue.

    Does Jasmine really not know to differentiate clothing from skin?? Even Seth the Raptor figured that one out….

    Actually, that explains her lack of pain and fear reactions- this Jasmine clone is so dumb it literally takes her that long to process sensory input.

  11. The Crowbar says:

    This whole bullshit might just be enough to dethrone Gabriel Hawke from being the worst fucking thing to exist.

  12. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    No, seriously, why is this kind of shit even a thing?

    You’d think with a society that holds sex in such taboo regard we’d have internet hit squads purging heretical texts like this with fire and sword.

  13. C: Shall I signal the ninjas to prepare the bolt tape for GhostCat?

    Go ahead. Just make sure you get Ishi-Sensei as well, he might try to break her out.

    S: I was under the impression that they hated each other.

    I don’t hate sensei – we’re buddies! He’s just really fun to tease.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Hmmm, I haven’t ID’d the absolute most loathsome character in this yet (jury’s still out on “Mistress”, she might turn out to be mind-controlled or something stupid like that), but once we have a target…

    I’ve been coming up with all sorts of karmic executions for Palaven’s Dogs. If Sura can make the grab, the Homeguard’ll take care of disposal.

  15. leobracer says:

    You have no idea how pissed off I am right now.

    I just got to Chapter Three and wrote this scathing review to this bastard:

    https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10334714/

    And as you will see, only my review, and another guy’s review are the only ones that are negative.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Dude, I’m all for calling him out on his shit, but telling him to kill himself? That’s going a little too far, don’t you think?

      • leobracer says:

        Kim Possible was one of my favorite cartoon shows.

        And while she does have some sueish traits she’s still one of my favorite cartoon characters.

        And to see such a strong female character reduced to that…

        I just had to let it all out.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Still, dude. Telling him to kill himself? Really?

        No, dear. That’s too much vitriol right there. And that’s me saying that, given that I have a massive, massive rant planned for the end of this fic.

      • The Crowbar says:

        no-no-no, no matter how shit the story, you never tell the Author to go kill himself/herself.

        It’s like one of the unspoken rules in the world of writing.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *seconds Crowbar so hard*

      • The Crowbar says:

        Though I have to admit, if I get a lucid dream tonight, I MIGHT spawn an army of rampaging Pingers and annihilate a city or two.

      • The Crowbar says:

        OKAY. YEP.

        I REALLY DON’T LIKE WHAT THE END OF CHAPTER 3 INSINUATES!

        I’m gonna get some murdersauce now.

    • leobracer says:

      Yeah, I must have indeed gone overboard with that last sentence.

      I don’t think my review was hard enough on this bastard, but I’m really starting to regret writing those last five words.

      • Explodium says:

        Heh…I noticed he replied to it. Posted a CHAPTER. Naturally he accused you of trolling and the “I do dis for fun!” excuse.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Thanks, Leo. I now have to snark THAT too.

      • leobracer says:

        I’m not even going to bother.

        Because what would be the point?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, as much as he’s an idiot, you did have it coming for telling him to kill himself.

      • leobracer says:

        *Pinches Nose*

        If only I hadn’t of gone to work today.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, it’s more shit I need to add to the last installment…

        No. Fuck it. I’m not expanding it unless EP gets to the fourth chapter. And depending on what he adds when he gets around to that…

      • leobracer says:

        Just go ahead and say your piece.

        You’ll be doing me a favor by adding me to your verbal smackdown.

        Because after looking back at it, I really don’t deserve anything less.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Wait, I know this is very serious, but…

        *snerk*

        …He responds to reviews with new chapters?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        This one was more to “shame” the person. Never mind that he affirms everything everyone else says about him when he does that, he has to prove them all wrong.

        Though, now that he’s posted the thing again, I would love to see if it gets him to finally update it…

  16. Well, this puts things into a new light. I’m off to find the gates of hell and open them now. It can’t be worse than this fic.

  17. erttheking says:

    Christ.

    I’m into some seriously kinky shit and I wanted to vomit as I read this.

  18. erttheking says:

    G:…Crunchy…have you been helping yourself to my baby seal blood without permission?

  19. infinity421 says:

    WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking: because of the way the subject is treated in this fic, those who are sensitive to the subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this riff entirely.

    Oh fuck me. This is going to be worse than I thought, isn’t it?
    Welp, time to start slogging my way through this shit.

  20. infinity421 says:

    Welp, I have found two words from The Inbetweeners that can capture my reaction. Let’s just hope that the video player that pops up under this will start at the right time.

    God fucking damnit, EP.
    God. Fucking. Damnit.
    We’ve got a tonne of slave-related shit, semen ingestion, forced semen ingestion, semen ingestion under threat of drowning in said semen, bondage, leather, some elements of non-con BDSM, EP’s usual abysmal writing and grammar, and apparently more to come. What the fuck have you started, Herr?

    Jesus, at least when I portrayed a master/pet relationship I made it genuinely loving! Like BDSM SHOULD be – if it’s not conensual or safe, you don’t fucking do it! And I get that some people are into slavery, but this… THIS… fuck me, this is just so wrong…

    I can’t even get all that angry, I’m just disappointed. So very disappointed.
    I guess I’ll be on the lookout for magical bullshit, anatomically impossible sex, and how-not-to-do-BDSM in the next riff.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Oh, believe me, the next chapter gets all fucked up, but not in the ways you might think it will. Trust me, it’s bad.

  21. TacoMagic says:

    C: […] Don’t you monkeys usually worry about your digestive systems?

    I don’t like getting offended an awful lot. It’s rather bad for the temper, don’t you know.

    *Cough* Contractions. *Cough*

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s actually one of the things that makes Crunchy so time consuming to write. I have to constantly recheck all his dialogue to make sure the contractions aren’t slipping in.

      Give me a few minutes dozen here, I’m going to fix all his dialogue up in here.

      EDIT: Got ’em. There were only a double-handful all told.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Ah, okay. Sorry.

  22. S.M.F. says:

    Okay, so I googled “Cadge” (because that consistent misspelling of “cage” was bothering me), and… “To beg or get by begging” (Which has [i]other[/i] implications, but I won’t go there).
    Other than that, it’s just [Comment Not Here] for the entire riff.
    Seriously. *Shudders* You’re made of stronger stuff than I am, the whole lot of you.

  23. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    My god… That Mass Effect story with Kira Shepard wasn’t the only one?

    EP is disgusting.

  24. The E.N.D says:

    “WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking-“

    Human trafficking, huh? HUMAN-

    :takes deep breath:

    …Please, for the love of all things holy, tell me this is supposed to be a troll fic.

  25. Someone could probably kick start a career on psychology if they just found out what the hell is wrong with EP.

    As for this fic… well, usually I’d just use Edgar Allan Poe, but since it’s Disney…

    There should really be a “rolling in their grave” counter. I see Robin Williams and Walt Disney doing it.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, unfortunately, if Fraug’s reaction to EP in general is any indication, I’m pretty sure most psychology people would just be like “bitch, no”, and just storm right out of there.


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