922: Life with Raptors – Chapter FivePosted: December 31, 2014
Welcome back, patrons, to the last Wednesday of year! Also the last day of the year. As with the other chapters of this fic, Eliza is sitting copilot as the dinosaur expert.
Last time we were treated to May’s first day with the raptors, wherein she quests for a shower and is attacked by a raptor from the B-group. Meanwhile, much earlier in the day, Seth and the others “mark” their territory.
“They used pee!”
Right. Anyway, they mark their territory and then launch an unsuccessful hunt which involved the sudden appearance of the T-rex. Nothing else really happens.
“That seem to be the theme of this fic. ‘Not much happened.'”
I think that’s more of a general badfic theme.
This week, we once again start off with May.
*Throws glitter-infused rice*
The hell is that stuff!?
“I’m not entirely sure. I think Bifocals made it.”
After my shower, and having to throw the bar of soap at the alpha because he got too curious, I dried myself quickly and put on some clean clothes.
Well look at that, a halfway reasonable reaction to a peeping raptor. In Raptor and I, Rae was strangely abashed at Sorin seeing her naked. The more reasonable response to an animal getting curious about your shower is annoyance coupled with a rebuke. Tossing soap at him is a little beyond what I’d consider a normal reaction, but at least she wasn’t embarrassed.
“You’re wandering into redemption cookie territory.”
There is no such thing when riffing a Raptor and I clone.
I felt better, that was a start, and I also felt satisfied when I ate a granola bar, which wasn’t much, but it would do.
Are we supposed to find every little thing the Sue does interesting? Because it isn’t. You need to learn how to get on with it, author.
“That implies there is a goal at the end of the meandering plot.”
True. That is a bit of an unfair assumption, I think.
The alpha was rubbing his nose with his non-broken where I hit him with the soap.
“The author a word.”
She that from Zinc.
“Oh. So you can take a broken arm and your face being cut, but your defeated by soap?” I asked. He just blinked.
It strikes me that May is a pretty big jerk. But we knew that given her derision of people carrying a bit of extra weight. Bad enough she beaned him with the soap, but now she’s mocking him because it hurt.
“This is quite a swap from the relationship between Sorin and Rae.”
Actually… yes it is. So far. Aside from the kidnapping, of course. We should keep our eye on it because I have a feeling the Jerk torch is going to get passed between these two.
I sighed and walked back to the nests with him. Even though I wanted to get back to the visitor center and hopefully find everyone alive and escape with them, I felt alone on this island. Like they were already gone.
This is what we call ‘back-peddling’ in the fiction world. Likely our author realized that there was no reason for May to have assumed that she was alone on the island last chapter. So the author put this line in to band-aid the fact rather than rewrite everything before this point.
“Still better than Zinc’s method of fixing.”
True. Zinc was the master of band-aiding the plot using author’s notes.
I sighed and began to tear up at the thought.
“THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO THE VISITOR CENTER!”
All my friends and co-workers, killed by giant reptiles that should be dead.
“Not to mention a few of them getting eaten by the raptors.”
Even if the alpha was kind to me, he really shouldn’t be walking beside me right now, he should be under the ground, dead, nothing but bones.
“Um, no dear, Seth is a clone. What you are talking about would be resurrection.”
“You may not want to give Crunchy ideas .”
WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
The alpha also seemed to sense my sadness, because he nuzzled into my side, probably to try and cheer me up. I smiled at his attempts, but it did not end the pain I felt for losing the people I knew.
Looks like that band-aid was put in after the rest of this chapter was written because she’s gone right back to completely assuming everyone is dead/gone despite her complete lack of knowledge of the situation. For all she knows her co-workers got things back under control and just haven’t gotten around to the lesser concern of returning power to the dormitories.
“I don’t know Taco, it could still be original to the chapter.”
Wait for it…
And what would happen when my parents figured out I would not return?
“Okay, yes, she put in the back-peddle after the chapter was written.”
Subtle, author, real subtle.
Although, my mind completely switched to something else when me and the alpha male returned to the nests.
I turned and walked away to give the two subordinates their privacy that was obviously needed right now. The alpha did the same.
You can say the word Sex author.
“And if she didn’t want to be crass, there are many other words that mean the same thing. Mating, copulation, intercourse, coitus, relations, and so on. Take your pick, author.”
I see that we’re dealing with somebody around the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old. Either that or she’s really terrified of that ‘no explicit sex’ rule to the point that she can’t recognize the difference between explicit and non-explicit references to sexual intercourse.
“I’m rather disappointed, actually. I got all keyed up for a nice raptor bodice ripper scene and this is all I get.”
Uh, moving on.
*Tosses glitter rice at Taco*
That would be less disgusting if you hadn’t cooked it first.
“Ouch, that hurt.” I said as I rubbed the spot where my human through something white at me when I got too curious as she cleaned herself in the water.
*Sigh* Literally the same scene all over again.
“Not entirely the same, we have a very wordy and unnecessary chunk of Seth pondering what clothing is, too!”
I learned a lesson: Do not look at my human while her green scales are not on her. Wait, how could she take her scales off and put them back on? Maybe they weren’t scales? Maybe the pale color that was colored like her arms, legs, and face that took over where the green scales used to be were her actual scales? It didn’t matter, she didn’t want me looking and that was that.
Ugh, that’s awkward, dull, and unimportant to anything. Flat out pointless word-padding. You may as well have just let the raptor understand what clothing is and condensed it to: ‘May doesn’t want me seeing her naked.’
“There is one redeeming thing here. He acknowledges that what she wants matters.”
Yeah, aside from the kidnapping, Seth is miles ahead of Sorin in treating May with respect.
“Too bad she’s such a jerk.”
I turned away when she emerged from the water, didn’t want her to throw the thing at me again.
She doesn’t have the thing anymore, she threw it at you.
“Doesn’t stop her from lobbing stuff at him.”
Yeah, and you don’t want stuff lobbed at you, I’ll tell you that.
I flinched when she walked beside me, but she had the covering scales on, yet they were differently colored. Humans made no sense.
“Preach it, brother!”
No taking Seth’s side!
After confirming that no white things would hit my snout, I started to walk beside her.
“May’s got the poor guy whipped already.”
Why is it so impossible to write a romance where the relationship isn’t dysfunctional!? What is so hard about writing about a well-adjusted relationship between a woman and… her… uh raptor lover…
“Do I really need to answer that?”
No, you do not.
She seemed to be thinking as we walked, but each second she seemed to become sadder, then water droplets began to roll down her cheeks, I believe this was “crying” or however it was said. I wouldn’t know, raptors cannot do it.
So, he is somehow familiar enough with crying to recognize it without prior exposure, but clothing is still a mystery?
“Seth isn’t very bright.”
Well, he’s based on Sorin, so I didn’t have much in the way of hope for him.
Nevertheless, she was sad, and I had to try and comfort her, so I nuzzled her side, and she smiled at me, that was a good result at least.
If it wasn’t for the whole planning a kidnapping thing, Seth might actually be a likable character.
“How often does that happen in the Library?”
Fairly often, just not usually with the characters we’re supposed to like.
Then, all thoughts of comfort left as we entered the nesting area. Austin and Ellie were in the process of…”expanding the pack” so to speak.
For the sake of the gods, AwesomeHunter! Say it! Sex, boinking, porking, humping, fucking, screwing, mating, having intercourse, whatever! JUST SAY IT! No need for this childish avoidance of the topic. And if you are this discomfited with the topic, DON’T BRING IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! Find a different reason for them to leave the nest.
“If references to sexual intercourse make you uncomfortable or if talking about sex makes you giggle uncontrollably, you probably aren’t ready to write anything with romance in it.”
My human and I turned around and walked out of view of the sight.
It also doesn’t make any sense that Seth here would chose to leave. Animals aren’t all that shy about having sex wherever they want. Nor are other animals really put-off by it. Least of all social pack animals like the raptors ostensibly are.
“Usually true, but personally I do prefer some level of privacy when-”
Don’t want to know!
We went back to the river, and sat at the bank, watching everything around us.
Look at all the blank!
“The void really is quite pretty this time of year.”
Fish jumped out of the water, birds flew around, everything was peaceful, even though I managed to catch a fish and swallow it whole to ease my hunger, everything else was calm.
This is really the first big Dick Move™ on Seth’s part (the kidnapping was more of an attempted Dick Move™, but it turned into something more laudable when May was attacked by the T-rex). His entire pack is probably starving, and he’s Bogarting the stream overflowing with fish.
My human seemed to be thinking, then, she took off the hard things and softer things that she put on her feet, then jumped into the water.
“Now your clothes are sopping. Nice move.”
To be fair, they were probably already rather wet. She never dried herself after the shower.
“See, that’s why it’s better to just go without clothing. Far less chafing in general.”
I peered over the bank to try and find her, and I did. She lashed out, grabbed me, and pulled me under.
“SHE’S TRYING TO KILL HIM!”
Quick, get the darkwraiths-
I thought I would drown, but I could stand so that my head peered over the water.
Ooops, false alarm, he’s in the shallows.
“Even so, if he were a turkey, he’d be dead right now.”
My human also surfaced and was laughing hysterically. I growled angrily at her.
Speaking of a Dick Move™.
“Generally it’s a good idea to ascertain as to whether the thing you’re pulling into the water can actually swim. Not to mention pulling somebody into shallow water headfirst is not such a great idea anyway.”
Personally, I don’t think I’d do anything to startle a creature with as many natural weapons as a Jurassic Park raptor. And that has nothing to do with them possibly attacking. If you want to know why you don’t startle things with lots of claws and teeth, watch a cat fall into a bathtub.
*Shoots a party-popper full of glitter-rice at Taco*
OH GODS, MY EYES! IT BURNS!
*Taco runs out of the room*
“He’s so fun!”
Having left the two other raptors to do what me and the alpha walked in on, we returned to the river.
“For goodness sake, child, it’s called sex. Say it with me now: Sex. Everyone repeat after me! Sex! Chant it! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!”
*Taco walks into the room, sees Eliza chanting, and backs slowly out*
“Come back here and chant with me!”
Everything was peaceful, even if the alpha caught a fish and swallowed it whole.
“Yes, so quiet and mild in the… wherever it is they are.”
I thought for a second on what to do, lay back and enjoy the sun? Or go swimming. I decided on the later.
Or, you know, CHECK OUT THE VISITOR CENTER FOR SURVIVORS!
“Welcome back, want me to start up the sex chanting again?”
I took off my shoes and socks and jumped into the water.
It wasn’t too deep or too shallow. Perfect depth, really.
“You know, about that depth.”
The yes I do. It’s exactly the perfect depth.
I saw the alpha peering into the water to find me, so I took this as a chance to have some fun.
I slowly swam upwards, then shot out, grabbed him, and managed to pull him into the water.
We both emerged from the water, he growling at me, and I laughing my head off.
Seeing it a second time from her eyes really drives home what an ass she is.
“And what a ripoff the scene is of The Lion King.”
Holy crap, you’re right! But without the Elton John montage.
“Don’t temp the author. We’ve got five more chapters after this one.”
But my swim was cut short by the alpha climbing out of the water and seeming to be very cold, despite the climate. So I had to get out and dry him with a towel.
It can be damn chilly down there in Costa Rica.
“Yup, on a cold day the temperature can drop down into the sixties.”
The sun had gone down, and the two of us sat and watched the stars.
Sweet crap, where did that day go!?
“I know, time flies when you-”
No, I mean where did it go? She only did three things: Go to her room for supplies, take a shower, and then go for a swim. Even if each of those things had a two-mile walk between them, it still wouldn’t be any later than mid-day. And that’s assuming she slept kinda late.
We were both awestruck.
Uhh, how would you know that? He’s a raptor and they aren’t particularly expressive.
“Aside from being able to express unbridled malice.”
Well yes, aside from the malice.
*Taco holds up a tower shield just in time to block a blast of glitter-rice*
I quickly hurried back to the bank of the river. I was cold, so I curled into a ball to try and warm up.
I’m sure there’s a joke her that Herr can make about people in Florida when it gets down to 75ºF.
It was strange due to the island’s climate, but the sun had gone down. The day went quicker than expected.
“Now the fic seems to be riffing itself.”
It was probably feeling left out.
My human came back onto land and pulled something out of her…thing full of stuff.
AH77 is the Oscar Wilde of vague.
She grabbed a light green colored fuzzy thing and dried me off with it. Then proceeded to dry herself off.
Again, knows about crying but not towels.
Then, when the sun had disappeared over the horizon, stars, a number I couldn’t count, illuminated the sky.
My eyes widened and my jaw fell open at the sight. It was AMAZING. I’d never seen anything like it.
“Fair enough, he did spend his life in a small enclosure. It was open to the sky, but the hole in the top was kinda small.”
However, as reasonable as that is-
It is entirely unreasonable to have a capslock moment in the prose.
We looked at the sky for about twenty minutes before heading back to the nests.
Apparently the sight wasn’t that great.
“Stars get kinda old after the first 15 minutes.”
Austin and Ellie HAD to be done by now.
No more capslock.
“Chant it with me now! Sex! Sex! Sex! Wonderful sex! Sex! Sex! Fantastic sex! Fabulous sex! Sex! Sex!”
You seem awfully enamored of intercourse.
“Actually, for me it’s rather dull. Similar to copulation in your avian raptors, sex lasts all of about fifteen seconds and consists of mashing cloaca together in an awkward position to pass on semen.”
“I love the idea of the entire audience chanting sex at the top of their lungs.”
I got lucky when I was right.
Speaking of Cloaca mashing.
“Is he sure? The scene leading up to this one didn’t mention any acrobatic mounting so I’m not sure he’s doing it right.”
The two were curled up in their nest and sleeping.
Joke’s on Seth and May. Turns out the two of them finished up about 10 seconds after the ‘barging in’ incident.
Max and Lily were gazing at the stars.
“So, the action consists of a mixture of napping and stargazing.”
This is AH77’s thrilling tour de force of action, adventure, and humor.
Supposedly this is a humor fic.
“But it isn’t funny.”
I think the joke is on us, then.
I’ll go over the fact now that our nests were in a good location, a small clearing surrounded by a thick forest.
So, he’s doing that now as opposed to…
“When he should have done it in the last chapter but instead decided to tell us about the failed hunt.”
“Seth, glad to see you and your human are back.” Lily said.
Wait, that was it? That’s all the description we’re going to get?
“You’ll just have to trust him that that spot of the formless void is indeed better than the other spots.”
“Yeah, great. Moving on, do you know why Austin and Ellie are already asleep?” Max asked.
“…They had a…busy day…” I said.
Both: HAVING SEX!
“Eh?” Lily and Max said.
You know, the horizontal mambo, caving the giant, fighting the purple-helmeted love warrior, releasing steam, having a tie breaker, doing the nasty, rumpy-pumpy, and on and on.
“They were…making more pack members…” I muttered.
Their eyes widened. “Did you give them permission?” They both asked.
HOLY SHIT! Did AH77 do some research and finally realize that packs don’t work the way she thought they did? Did she realize that only the Alpha male and Alpha female (and sometimes the alpha male with the other females) are typically allowed to mate!?
“Let’s see. Austin is my friend…He has benefits.” I said.
“Nope. The pack works however she says it does.”
Fuck my life.
Max raised an invisible brow, but then his face turned evil and glanced at Lily.
If your characters are physically incapable of doing a particular expression, maybe you should use the body language they can actually do! Like, I don’t know, use their crests of feathers or something!
She seemed to read his mind and growled, but it wasn’t authentic, she just wanted to put on a show because I was there.
“Because, just like in Raptor and I, the A-squad raptors are all sixth graders in disguise.”
I rolled my eyes and walked to my nest, laying down and preparing to fall asleep. But I noticed a lack of human at my side.
Could the narrative be any more wooden and clunky?
“Dude, that Wheel of Fortune fic was only 2 days ago. Don’t tempt fate.”
I brushed my tail at where I expected my human to be, but only felt dirt and leaves.
So, the first thing you do when you don’t immediately see your human is try to whack her with your tail?
“As I said, Seth isn’t the brightest cookie in the shed.”
Um, I don’t think you understand that metaphor.
My eyes opened and I rose my head. I found her laying in the dirt.
Wha? Did May just have a massive coronary and keel over or something?
I blinked before walking over, grabbing her covering scales, and dragged her back to my nest.
There’s one of those Dick Moves™ we’ve been talking about.
“Now she’s going to have to take another shower.”
She glared at me, but I was unfazed.
Mutual jerks piss each other off.
“A match made in hell.”
I lay back in the same position I was in, but I wrapped my tail around her waist so that she couldn’t get away.
This is why you need to look very carefully at your work when you
rip something off take inspiration from another body of work. Given all of what we know of the situation leading up to this moment, there is absolutely no reason to believe that May would try to run. The only reason this is here is because Sorin did it to Rae because she tried to escape. Repeatedly. However, May here is almost as willing as she could be. Not only has she not expressed any intent to run away, but she went so far as to pack up her things for an extended stay with the raptors despite not knowing the fate of her friends and co-workers.
She struggled for a moment, and I watched lazily, but she finally gave up, and I fell asleep, pulling her closer to me.
“This scene doesn’t make a lick of sense. Why would she struggle? If anything, she’d invite the warmth. There is no antagonism here, so this whole scene comes right out of nowhere.”
*Eliza pulls a cord and a large mound of cooked, still steaming glitter rice covers Taco*
*Munch Much* Actually, it isn’t too bad once you get past the gritty texture and the crunch.
I reluctantly followed the alpha back to the nests. I didn’t want to leave the sight. That, and I was deciding to try and find a way back home, but for now I had no choice. That and he would’ve dragged me anyway.
Want to explain that? May here literally just turned on a dime and Seth’s behavior hasn’t been forceful at all. She wasn’t-
I think I just figured out what happened. The author probably took a break halfway through writing this; likely an extended one that started just before the prior Seth scene. During that absence, in her mind her story merged more with the events of Raptor and I because the dividing line was already pretty flimsy. She forgot about the plot she had actually been writing and just finished it off the cuff based on the amalgam of her fic and Raptor an I. Then, after she was done writing it, she took a look back at the chapter and realized there was a dissonance between the part she wrote before the break. So, she went back and added that back-peddling sentence earlier to make this part seem less like this scene was a complete ass-pull.
“That seem rather a specific guess.”
Does it? How about this, if we don’t find any evidence that I’m right before the next fic, I’ll let you out of the rest of the fics. If I’m right, you have to do the next one by yourself.
I crossed my fingers that the two subordinates had finished procreation.
That’s about the closest she’s ever come to saying-
I got lucky,
With as squeamish as you’ve been about the whole sex thing, you may want to stop using that particular phrase.
they were snuggled up in their nest and sleeping soundly.
“It’s entirely like the first scene of those two sleeping off the afterglow, only the same!”
The beta male and female seemed to chat with the alpha, then the beta male turned to the female, I could’ve sworn he had an evil smirk on.
No second-person smirking!
She tried to fake a growl, which made me wonder what was going through their heads.
“Oh! I know! This:”
I watched the alpha go to his nest and start to fall asleep. I just decided to sleep somewhere on the ground. I lay down in the dirt, and prepared to fall asleep. Or not!
Why the heck would you just plop down in the dirt? Especially after taking a shower. At least gather some bedding. I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re in a jungle. Lots of materials for bedding!
Something grabbed the collar of my shirt and started to drag me. I was thinking that maybe it was one of our Dilophosaurus dragging me to the pack.
The only reason you think that is because of your powerful stupidity.
“I think we have established by now that none of these characters are particularly bright.”
That’s putting it lightly. Most of these would loose a battle of wits with a glass of water.
I was wrong.
I found myself in a nest, and the alpha’s tail curled around my waist. I glared at him, but he seemed unfazed. I then tried to struggle out of it. Well, that failed in the scheme of things.
“Don’t use extra words. Adding ‘in the scheme of things’ makes it all too clear how much nonsense is being served up in this fic.”
I sighed and lay down; he then closed his eyes and pulled me closer to him until I was against his body.
I could feel his stomach moved as he breathed, and I could hear his strong heartbeat as I decided to use him as a pillow so I didn’t have a hurt neck in the morning.
Fair enough, I suppose. I mean, raptors are kinda bony and wouldn’t make a good pillow, but when your other choice is ‘neck bent at a crazy angle’ then I’d probably do the same.
“Maybe sharing a nest with him won’t be so bad…” I thought.
“And she’s already wandering back toward, ‘Quick! It is time to live with raptors!'”
I smiled a bit before wrapping my arms around him, just for the feel of security, and was lulled to sleep.
“Jeez, her affections really do turn on a dime.”
My theory still stands.
“All we’ve got is an author’s note. You better hope there’s something in there, otherwise I’m off the hook.”
(This was quite a while in the making.
Believe it or not, I started this chapter after I posted the last one.
“You can’t be serious.”
And this is a completely remade version of the original.
“You cannot be serious! How the heck did you call that!?”
Genre savviness is a hazard of the trade.
I take pride in my work.
I review it, see if its good enough, then if I deem it so.
“You might consider applying that same work ethic to this fic, and to your author’s notes. That way you wouldn’t.”
It goes in. If not, its remade until I see that it is fit for the story.)
“And yet we still ended up with this horrible mess.”
I’m thinking she’s overstating how much she actually checks her work as well as how much of this chapter was rewritten.
Anyway, that’s the end of chapter! Well, patrons, you can tune in next week to catch Eliza handling chapter six on her lonesome. As for me, I’ll be taking a one-week break because I totally fucking called it!
“You suck, Taco.”