920: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune – Chapter One
Posted: December 29, 2014 Filed under: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune, Wheel of Fortune | Tags: Fantasy, Friendship, Lyle, Television, Wheel of Fortune 70 CommentsTitle: My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune
Author: Geaney1992
Media: Television
Topic: Wheel of Fortune
Genre: Fantasy/Friendship
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle
Well, hellooooo there, lovely patrons. Today I have the start of an incredibly baffling story called “My Job On Australian Wheel Of Fortune,” or MJAWF for short. This is, you read correctly, a fanfiction based on the game show “Wheel of Fortune.” It probably isn’t the oddest thing I’ve riffed before (remember “Birthday Surprise?”) but it’s pretty damn close. Plus, it’s multi-chaptered, because one chapter of this crap wasn’t enough, I guess.
Here’s the summary to get us started:
CAST Kierain Geaney me Adriana Xenides John Deeks John Burgess featuring music from bands like Divinyls
That’s the story summary. A list of names with no commas to differentiate them, and a soundtrack.
This story was written by the same author that wrote another of the gems featured in our Library when we first opened our doors: The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online.
Buckle up, friends. This is going to be interesting.
My Job On Wheel Of Fortune
Chapter I Only The Good Die Young
That’s a disconcerting chapter title for a fic about a television game show. I’m not sure if I should be concerned. The fic is listed as Fantasy/Friendship. That doesn’t really raise any red flags for people dying.
Kierain Geaney arrives at Wheel for his first day as cameraman
Geaney is the author’s listed penname. I’m guessing that Kierain is his self insertion. I could be wrong, though, considering “me” is listed after “Kierain” on the nonsensical story summary. Either that or the me is to indicate that Kierain is the author. This is why using punctuation is important.
“Hi” a voice said behind him
He Wheels round
*twitches*
No periods after sentences, no comma after speech, random capitalization…
*glances at the rest of the chapter*
Fucksticks. No wonder gothicrocker can’t use any carriage returns in “of wolf and woman.” Geaney stole them all for this fic. Every single sentence is separated by a double carriage return.
” You you’re you” he stammered star struck
Adriana smiled
I’m guessing this is someone important for the Australian version of the show, given our author’s protagonist’s reaction.
*Googling montage!*
… Okay, things just got really weird. Get out your notebooks, everyone. It’s lesson time.
*wheels out the chalk board*
1.) Adriana Xenides was a hostess on Australia’s version of Wheel of Fortune. She did Vana White’s job.
2.) She retired from the Wheel in 1999.
3.) She died in 2010.
4.) This fic was posted in 2011.
So either we have gone back in time to anywhere between 1981 (when she started on the show) to 1999, or our author has not realized that his “star struck” inducing television personality was deceased when he wrote this.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” she asked
Staring at a zombie, apparently.
“sure” Kierain replied
Point camera. Press button. How hard can it be?
The show starts up
Wait, that’s it? No explanation of his job duties? No training? Not even an introduction to the other camera men?
“I’d like to say welcome to our new cameraman Kierain Geaney” Adriana beamed
Careful your jaw doesn’t fall off there, ZombAdriana. I hear that’s a problem if you move your mouth too much.
“Hi” he smiled
If you’re behind the camera, no one can see you smile.
During the show Adriana often smiles and winks at him
You’re behind a giant-ass camera. She’s smiling and winking at the television audience. Don’t be so full of yourself, Geaney.
Like this one.
After the show she talks to him
*yawns*
You’re daybooking, Geaney. I lost interest after the first word.
“you did very well” she beamed
*squints* She’s beaming so much I’m going to need sunglasses soon.
Kierain blushes
Shucky-darn Ms. Zombie Hostess!
“would you like a lift home?” she asked
“yes please” Kierain smiled
How did she know he didn’t drive himself to work that day? They have shared all of two sentences this entire time, and none of it had to do with his mode of transportation.
In the car Divinyls “Science Fiction” plays
“I thought that love was Science Fiction until I saw you today
Now that love is my addiction I’ve thrown all my books away”
GAH! Song lyrics in the fic!
*grabs her sledgehammer*
“Do you like that?” Adriana asked
The way that’s worded it makes it sound like Adriana is doing something questionable to Kierain. Pull over first, damn it. You’re going to cause an accident.
“Yeah Chrissy Amphlett is one of my favorites Kierain replied
You know what, I’m not going to bother wasting punctuation on you. *hugs the spare punctuation box to her chest* My babies don’t deserve your crap-fic.
The next day at Wheel Deeks and Burgo are fooling around with one of those stuffed footballs from Mcdonalds
What are they doing?!
Burgo crashes into Kierain
“Watch where you’re going!” Adriana ordered
Wow, she’s bossy, isn’t she? I hear that can happen with television celebrities. I’ve actually heard from someone who went on the American version of the show that Pat Sajak is a complete and utter douche bag.
Burgo looks embarrassed as he gets his ball
Awww, did you just get in twubble?
During a lunch break they fool around again this time knocking Kierain over
Dudes. Seriously. Go into a dressing room for that kind of stuff. This is going to make the live studio audience really uncomfortable.
Adriana helps him up
“Up you come handsome” she said putting him back in his chair
“sorry” the Johns both said
Adriana glares
This is the strangest and more boring wet-dream-fic I’ve ever read. I mean, seriously. What the hell is this even about? Every single character has the personality of a wet blanket, and the main character can’t even stick up for himself, letting a zombie hostess do it for him. He’s got less personality than a cardboard box.
There’s no plot. It’s seriously, “I came to work. She is nice to me. She drove me home. I came to work. A few guys were mean to me. She was nice to me.” There’s absolutely nothing interesting going on. At. All. Someone actually favorited this fic. There are 4 reviews that actually like what’s going on in this train-wreck. The 5th reviewer is one of our kindred spirits, questioning the sanity of the previous reviews and of the author of the story.
I’m going to leave it here for now. Join me next week when we finish up of wolf and woman.
Library of the Damned 
:reads title:
There’s Wheel of Fortune fanfics?!?
Hell, I learned about this when Lyle and I were bullshitting around in a Facebook chat at, like, two in the morning because we were bored and working on riffs.
But … Wheel of Fortune? Wha? It’s like writing a fanfic for crossword puzzles.
The Bill Nye fic that was featured on here is basically a hate story about science, so it’s not like it’s entirely unheard of here.
Bill Nye Fics. I did three of those damn things. I’ve actually got a whole bunch more of those, but they really make my soul hurty, so I may toss them into the orphan pile.
Actually, this is the only time the random capitalization appears, so I don’t think it’s actually random.
…
Oh God, was it supposed to be a pun?
I’ll freely admit I don’t watch much TV, especially not game shows- is this actually something they do, or is this more Stu-stroking?
Uh, well, shows like Who’s Line Is It Anyway tend to mess with the camera crew, but I’m not sure about game shows.
I watch Price is Right semi-regularly and I’ve rarely seen anyone interact with the camera crew.
Song lyrics in the fic?
…Sh… Sha… Sh-shady Lady…
Never again, DMC4. You can’t hurt me anymore…
There there, SC… the evil thing has gone away…
What is with the football? Two of the comments mention them.
I looked it up as best I could on Google and got a whole load of stuff related to MacDonald’s.
I… Have no idea if there’s any correlation, or if Uncle Google was desperately trying to find something that sounds like my search content.
We should ask Delta when he gets here, he’s the closest thing we have to an Australian. Or SFY, I think he lives or lived in Australia.
Well, it wasn’t enough of Sodor High Tales, so… you know.
At least TF:SHT had some kind of progression of events. This is just … Nothing. A Great heaping blob of nothing.
Pretty sure that’s the name of a song…
Yup! Just checked, it’s the name of a Billy Joel song:
And thus, in the very second I posted it, my comment is irrelevant.
There there, SC, we still love you.
*pets SC’s head in a totally uncreepy way*
Are you implying something?
Should I be worried?
What? Baymax is cute! (And a frighteningly realistic depiction of both drunks and cat fanciers.)
Yup. Billy Joel.
Jesus Christ, and no wonder XCOM:the Kisaragi Squad had no spaces: this fic took them all, too!
You know what this fic didn’t take enough of, though?
Kale’s fucking internal monologuing.
Too bad we can’t move a little of the clothing porn from Animagus Predator over here. Even some of the gallons of purple prose from various fics around the Library would be welcome.
We should set up a charity drive! Purple ‘fics can donate their excess description, and have it shipped to regions where the characters can’t even figure out what room they’re in.
Considering all the nothing-narratives we’ve plowed through, I doubt there would be enough purple to go around.
I’ve got generic raptors and cunning plans!
*Dumps them into the fic*
:rolls out Barrel-o-Wangst:
Might as well toss this in the pot.
Here, let me just toss in some bullshit Sue-powers.
I would be honored to contribute a Pretentious Monologue or two.
Oh, weaponry! We need plenty of ostentatious weaponry! There was loads left from that US versus the Batarian Hegemony fic and both Jedi’s Destiny fics.
:whistles:
SHINOBI-SAN! Get the fōkurifuto!
I’ma go get Tai’s bat-thing.
Oh, and how many knives do you think we can get off that one outfit?
Do we have any fics with settings to spare? Most of the ones I remember are rooted firmly in the Void.
I’m sure we could drop the shrine/hospital/warehouse/gas station that Alex lives in in the bin.
You guys are so generous! Any fics with overly excess punctuation we could steal? I don’t want to waste my orphans on this crap but we could borrow some from another fic.
My Immortal can provide a myriad of periods and other punctuation flaws, if you want.
Well, Ghostie, if it’s setting you want there was some architecture porn in the Omega base in the second AJD, and either PR or FAW (is there really much difference?) had an overdeveloped Citadel replacement that had freaking drawings.
Kiernain “Killer” Geaney strode confidently across the bare, reflective metal floor of the enormous garage of his humble shrine/hospital/warehouse/gas station home, his heavy boots clomping and approximately 8,000 knives jingling like fairy wind chimes on a brisk day. Tossing his long, silky, black-with-ice-blue-streaks hair over his shoulder (and still letting it cover one of his eyes like zOMG those emo guys that are so cute!!!), he blinked his soulful pale lavender amethyst eyes at the rotting but still beautiful Adrianna, who looked around at everything in awe.
“Killer,” she breathed through what was left of her plump, supple lips, “I had no idea you lived in a place like this. Actually, I had no idea what you looked like or about much of anything until this very moment. What’s up with that?”
Actually, that was just what she wanted to say. All she ended up saying was, “Hi.”
“Thanks for the ride, babe,” Kiernain said with a sharp grin. He could tell Adrianna was in love with him. Now all he had to do was figure out how in the Australian heck a guy was supposed to romance a zombie.
MUST GIVE ALL THE LIKES!
Why do I only get one like?!
Didn’t you hear the lady, SC? I get all the likes. You don’t get any. And I’m going to hoard them like precious piles of dragon gold.
*frown*
Wait, why is Aussie!Vana White giving kudos to the cameraman? Like, you know, the guy who never shows up in front of the camera? There’s a reason we have credits on those shows, you know.
How dare you misspell Vanna White?
…
*slowly steps away*
Um… No. Just no.
He’s also an idiot who denies that climate change is a thing, so that doesn’t surprise me in the least.
And he looks a little like my Former Aunt Carrie, so there’s that.
…
“Former Aunt”?
She was my uncle’s second wife but then they divorced, and then my uncle died, so I don’t think we’re technically related anymore. She also goes by a different name now.
Oh. Well, that sounds like a whole story in and of itself…
My family’s a little on the odd side.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
*runs awaaaaaaaaaaaaay*
I regret nothing!
Well, on the bright side, we could’ve gotten a lot worse.
*shudders*
Uuuugh, all the Miranda and Cerberus bashing…
Wheel of fortune fanfiction.
Ahem,
That is all.
[…] My Job on Australian Wheel of Fortune […]
haha I wrote this too as a geeky 17 year old looking back it’s like “what was i thinking?” your reviews are making me chuckle!
Oh hey, welcome to the Library! Didn’t expect to see you here!
Glad you’re enjoying the reviews so far. I think we all have those moments of “what the hell was I thinking” when we look back at our previous fanfics, so I definitely know the sentiment. Well, and Lyle definitely does to.
Still, glad you’re enjoying yourself! *throws a party*
SHIT! i just remembered i was 19 not 17!! i think kits bedtime (no really its 2AM here in Melbourne!!)
fun fact though: McDonalds footballs were indeed a thing in the late 90s (Circa 1999 IRC) They were a gimmick sold with Quarter Pounder meals to promote Australian Rules football
Well, at least SC and Ghostie have the answers to their questions now!
[…] the Magic School Bus.” Today’s little fic is actually by our own dear Kierain, of Australian Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls Play GTA fame. He even asked us to riff it. I stuck it in my to-do pile and […]
How dare you misspell Vanna White?
People have misspelled my name for 33 years. It happens.
I can do you one better- I have been consistently called “Beth” by countless people for thirty-seven years. My name is not Beth. My name is not even remotely close to sounding like Beth. It doesn’t even have the same number of syllables as Beth. And still it keeps happening. I have a theory that I must have a secret twin running around somewhere who is terribly confused as to why everyone keeps calling her Sara.
No, you just Vanna kill Vanna White. I know it. Why do you hate Vanna so much?
Ah yes, the classic “misspelling a person’s name means you want to kill them” fallacy. We have dismissed this claim.