918: A Witch needs her Cat – Chapter Two, Part Two

Title: A Witch needs her Cat
Author: FlamingAxel
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Black Cat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC

Sports Shades: What up, nerds. Don’t worry about that SC character – he’s preoccupied with other stuff, so I decided I’d be a pal and do him a favor this week.

Oh, but don’t think for one second that I plan on trying to go after this turkey alone – ha! No, I value my sanity. It’s part of what makes me infinitely superior to everybody.

Shades: Except for-

Sports Shades: Shut up, didn’t happen.

So yeah, I’ve got Guns Bitch with me. She didn’t want to come, and I didn’t want to care. Cat Bitch was hanging out with Thief Bitch and Moron Bitch, and they were all out on some bitch-job or another; I didn’t want to deal with Alien Bitch; Science Bitch was… doing things, and Magic Bitch took a swipe at me when I got close, so I only had the one option. To at least try and sweeten the deal, I promised her one free shot at me with the most powerful gun in her arsenal, and now here we are.

Shades: You’d better not move, either.

Sports Shades: I promise nothing.

Monocle, peeking in the door: WHEN DID WE GO FROM HAVING HUMOROUS TITLES OF SLANDER TO SIMPLY BEING LITTLE MORE THAN PREGNANT HOUNDS?

Sports Shades: You have three seconds to get outta my riff, and then we’re throwing down, bitchy-boo.

Shades: Only three?

Sports Shades: Pfft! Three’s generous with me.

*Monocle slips out of the door and wanders off down the hall*

Shades: Well then, back to the riff. Looking at the Crea- er, SC’s notes – why he insists on referring to himself by his initials, I do not know – last time, Salem’s body finally reacted to getting shot, and she almost died on a bus ride home that caused alarm for apparently nobody. I guess bleeding twats are a common occurrence on public transport.

Sports Shades: Urge to make period joke rising…

Shades: You never said when I was allowed to have my free shot, boy. Mind yourself.

*Sports Shades chuckles dismissively*

Shades: Anyhow, she got back to Annette’s place, they had a boring conversation that I honestly didn’t bother to give a shit about, and now Annette’s has foolishly allowed the little dickhead to take her car and do things.

Sports Shades: Do you think Sweepers have good insurance?

Shades: According to the manga, Train and Sven were barely ever able to afford good food and a bed to fall into, so I’m going to assume no.

Sports Shades: Oh man, Annette is fucked. I can only hope she had a garbage car.

Shades: Well, we’re starting the riff at the car, so I suppose we’ll find out.

She managed to spot Annette’s vehicle quite easily considering that Annette was the one who taught her how to drive in the first place.

Sports Shades: And I suppose Annette also taught her how to be a fuck-up with knives?

She ran towards the car, unlocked it and hopped inside. Salem shoved the key in the ignition, grinning wildly as she heard the loud rumbling of the purring engine. She did not bother hanging around to listen to the engine as Salem drove out of the parking lot and onto the road that would lead to Sven’s house.

Shades: …Well, the only thing we know about the car is that it has an engine which can’t decide if it’s loud or purring, so I’m going to guess it’s an old petrol-guzzler.

Sports Shades: We call it “gas” where I come from, you know.

Shades: Strike one, pants-shitter.

It did not take her too long to arrive at Sven’s house.

Sports Shades: Does this bitch have Thief Bitch tied up in the trunk? She was just at the car a sentence or two ago.

Shades: Or worse, she’s a Mechamancer like Bifocals.

Sports Shades: I’d rather not think about that. I’m already concerned about what Science Bitch is doing right now.

Shades: Oh, look at that, something we agree on. That’ll never happen again so long as we live.

It took her less than an hour (mostly because of the fact that she was speeding).

Sports Shades: And she’s a FULLY LICENSED OFFICER OF THE LAW.

Shades: Maybe if there was a chase going on or something, I could forgive her, but she was just going to Sven’s house! There were times where Lorde called me with important case information, and I took my sweet time getting there without breaking the damn law!

Sports Shades: Speaking of that guy, do you think your old partner is hunting you down for being a paranormal?

Shades: He’d be foolish to try. We might be equally matched in terms of our abilities, but I’m more or less unkillable and can pull guns out of space and time’s taint. He only has as much ammo as he thinks to bring with him.

Sports Shades: The mental image of space and time’s taint is one I didn’t need right just then.

She was unfortunately forced to slow down once the car began driving over the very rugged, uneven road towards Sven’s home.

Shades: Oh, tragedy, you had to adhere to road safety regulations. Grow the fuck up.

Sports Shades: How early is this in Sven’s career that he still has a stable residence? As I recall, he and Train were constantly on the road.

Shades: I think he’s just come out of his former employment with the IBI. But even still, I feel like he didn’t stick around long once he became a Sweeper.

Soon the thick forest that she had been driving through began to clear up until she reached a clearing where a small log cabin-like house stood.

Shades: Am fairly certain Sven lived closer to work, and therefore in the city, in a somewhat larger townhouse. But, hey, it’s not like we ever exactly learn that about his character.

Sports Shades: I’m inclined to agree, though. He worked for the manga equivalent of the FBI, you kind of want to be close by in case you go on call all of a sudden.

Salem parked Annette’s car behind Sven’s vehicle and got out, taking a deep breath of air while stretching out her legs.

Sports Shades: Gee, I sure hope Sven didn’t have anywhere he was planning to go.

The white-haired sweeper

Shades: Oh fuck, I forgot she had white hair…

took a look around, admiring the beautiful scenery that surrounded the cabin.

Sports Shades: It’s a bunch of fucking trees and dirt, a cabin, and two cars. Not much to admire, really.

Shades: Wow, being a samurai really desensitized you to the beauty of nature, didn’t it?

Sports Shades: When you live every day wondering when the next joker’s gonna show up to try and kill you, you kind of don’t have time to sit back and smell roses.

Salem had almost hit herself on the head upon realizing that she was wasting time. Sven had called her there for an important reason and yet she was standing there looking at trees.

Shades: You’re right there, he could just come out and yell at you if he really wants to be so impatient.

The young sweeper jogged towards the short flight of wooden stairs.

Sports Shades: You know, as opposed to all the polished marble ones you see all the time at log cabins.

Shades: Or the jade ones, don’t forget those.

Sports Shades: You know, I think Thief Bitch has the staircase to the Vault lined with jade, no joke.

Shades: I probably helped him acquire those, so I’m not surprised.

She approached the door, originally intending on walking right in but she felt that it might be better for her to knock instead.

Shades: Good thinking. If it had been Lorde or myself, she’d have been dead on arrival, just barging in like she wanted to.

Sports Shades: Kinda like Moron Bitch that one time.

Shades: Look, I mean no ill will towards Specs, but he really should have known better than to assume I was dressed and open to visitors at that point in time. He had being filled full of holes coming.

She firmly hammered her fist onto the door,

Sports Shades: “Wait a tic, that’s not a nail!”

Shades: “Just call me Salem Christ.”

waiting patiently for a few moments for Sven to open it. Finally someone had opened the door, only…it was not Sven.

Sports Shades: It was his evil twin, Deifllov Nevs!

Shades: MY GOD.

A young girl who looked to be about 10 or 11, stood at the door. She had long blonde hair that almost reached to floor and dark pink eyes. The small stuffed animal she had tucked under one arm, blended perfectly with her long black dress.

Shades: …Is she talking about Eve?

Huh. I guess she is.

Huh. I guess she is.

Shades: What to say about Eve… well, first of all, she’s a genetic experiment funded by Torneo. Stuff about nanomachines and whatnot. She can form her body into any weapons of her own design, even at one point sharpening her HAIR into bloody atom-thin sword blades during the last few chapters of the manga, and using her memory of Train’s gun to create an exact replica of it for an extremely tricky bait-and-switch tactic Train employed against a bomber with a hostage earlier on who demanded that Train surrender Hades if he wanted the hostages to be released.

Sports Shades: She’s also a super-genius, boasting an intellectual capacity at her age that would bring shame to scientists everywhere.

Shades: Yep, and that genius brought about a lot of Sven’s more memorable inventions, as I recall. Like the weaponized attache case that he used during the middle-to-end chapters.

Sports Shades: Eve also doesn’t like Train very well. She’s pretty loyal to Sven for saving her from Torneo and giving her a proper look at life outside of being an experimental weapon, but he and Train butt heads a lot, so she kind of gives Train the stink eye throughout the story. It’s pretty comical, really.

Shades: Look, if you want to know more about Eve, I’m sure you could look her up for yourself. One thing’s for certain to me – the author just destroyed whatever timeline she was working from, because Eve doesn’t show up in the canon until well after Train and Sven become partners.

Sports Shades: Yeah, Train’s still an assassin, which means he’s still working for Chronos. This means that Saya hasn’t met Train, or been murdered by Creed, Train and Creed haven’t had a falling out with each other over it, Train hasn’t met Sven yet, and most importantly, Creed isn’t trying to raise the Apostles of the Stars, which means he’s not paying Torneo to research nanomachine technology, which means Eve shouldn’t even be ALIVE right now.

Shades: Timesquiggle ahoy.

Salem blinked at the sight of the young girl. She was sure that Sven did not have a daughter and Salem was absolutely positive that this was the right house…so who the heck was this girl?

Shades: Technically non-existent?

Finally after a long period of silence, Salem spoke.

“Uh, hi there…my name’s Salem, what’s yours?” She asked while bending down slightly in order to be at eye level with the girl.

Sports Shades: “I’m Afigmentof Yourimagination! My name is a bit complicated, I know.”

She tried her best to sound friendly and unintimidating, especially because of the fact that the little girl was staring straight at the knives strapped to her thighs. Instead of receiving a response, the small blonde turned around and ran into one of the rooms. Salem could feel a bead of sweat slowly make its way down her head as she watched the girl disappear somewhere in the house.

Shades: Let us just be clear: Eve is not intimidated by people like Salem. Hell, she practically doesn’t even have emotions to be spoken of, half the time. Oh, but don’t expect bloody FlamingAxel to pick up on that.

“Um…okay?” Just as the young sweeper had spoken, the same girl walked out of the room she had previously ran into, holding onto Sven’s hand. Salem felt a wave of relief wash over her as she heard Sven speak. Finally someone she recognized.

“No, no, Eve. She’s not a ghost, she just bleaches her hair white.” Said Sven as his visible eye went from Eve to Salem.

Sports Shades: Uh, first of all: Eve’s not that stupid. Second: Why would she assume Salem’s a ghost because her hair is white? By the way, did anybody else forget she had white hair?

Shades: Oh bloody hell, she has white hair, that’s right!

“Thanks for coming, Salem.”

Sports Shades:

image

“It’s no problem but…Sven, what did you need me for? Who is that girl?” Salem questioned, gesturing to the young blonde next to him.

“This here is Eve. I’ll tell you about her later but right now I’ll get straight to the point. I called you here because there’s someone who needs immediate medical attention. I’m afraid that if he doesn’t get treated soon, he might not make it. I knew that you, of all people would be able to handle the situation the best.” Sven explained in a very serious tone of voice.

Sports Shades: Whoa whoa whoa, back the fuck up – you called HER for medical aid?

whywouldyoudothat

Salem nodded, displaying her understanding of the situation.

Shades: “So, you want me to just throw my medical kit into the river, then?”

“All right, bring me to him then.” Sven gestured towards a closed door, leading to the guest bedroom. “He’s in there.”

Sports Shades: Why does Sven need to be brought to him? He was the guy who dragged his ass in in the first place.

Salem walked down the hall, stopping in front of the closed door. She turned the handle and pushed the door open. As she entered, the first sight that caught her attention was the unconscious form that lay limp on the bed.

Shades: …Really, right now?

*Alarms Blare Twice*

Sports Shades: Oh look, something else we agree on! The DRD are assholes!

Shades: Well, it won’t happen a THIRD time, then.

Sports Shades: Sure, sure.

*Sports Shades pulls his stylized Dadao from its sheathe, and two assault rifles materialize in Shades’ hands*

Sports Shades: Shall we dance?

Shades: Sure, but not with each other.

Sports Shades: Oh God, no.

~[SCENE REDACTED FOR EXTREME VIOLENCE]~

Shades: Well, that’s not coming out of this jacket for a while. Shite, this had better not leave bleach stains…

Sports Shades: Oh no, you might risk not looking like a Matrix reject. Woe is you.

Shades: Strike two, punk.

Salem stood, frozen in place as she examined the figure more closely. He seemed familiar from a far but it did not take Salem very long to realize who was lying in the bed. “Black Cat…

Sports Shades: Well, as much as I had hoped that would be a more dramatic note to end on, it sadly wasn’t. But I’m fucking sick of this, so we’re ending it here. And no, I’m not doing that guy’s stupid sign-off, so forget it.

Shades: You realize that now’s the time for my free shot, right?

Sports Shades: Sure, sure, take your be-

latest

Sports Shades: …Uh, c-can I get a redo?

Shades: Hold still, Ego Bitch.

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13 Comments on “918: A Witch needs her Cat – Chapter Two, Part Two”

  1. SC says:

    Author comment because like HELL this riff ain’t getting any love.

  2. TacoMagic says:

    Shades: Timesquiggle ahoy.

    And suddenly I badly want a painting of pirates sailing a carrack through space toward a swirly portal.

  3. TacoMagic says:

    Salem could feel a bead of sweat slowly make its way down her head as she watched the girl disappear somewhere in the house.

    Well, that passage has the distinction of being the least bad implementation of a literary sweat drop we’ve featured in the library.

    Still stupid because it’s a visual mechanic, but at least we didn’t get: “She sweatdropped.”

  4. Shades: Look, I mean no ill will towards Specs, but he really should have known better than to assume I was dressed and open to visitors at that point in time. He had being filled full of holes coming.

    This is why good manners are so important. You should always knock before entering a lady’s chambers. Especially if said lady is heavily armed and overly cautious.

    • SC says:

      Specs:Heavily armed? Yes. Cautious? Uh, either that, or I accidentally triggered the anime superpower where girls become 300% more lethal when seen naked or in underwear.

      Sports Shades: So what color was her bra?

      Specs: I was dead before I hit the floor! You think I remember that?!

      *Sports Shades tips his shades down at Specs and raises an eyebrow*

      Specs: …It was baby blue. Sorry Shades.

      Shades: I mean, it’s not like I can really pretend you DIDN’T see…


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