917: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter XIV

 

Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter XIV
Critiqued by Ghostcat (with special guest Ishi)

 
Welcome, best beloved Patrons! I hope you have had the most wonderful of holidays, if you celebrate any in particular. Today is that most joyous of days!

:tosses confetti into the air:

LAST CHAPTER, BITCHES!!!

:Ghostie hugs Ishi:

“I am uncomfortable with physical displays of affection, Ghostcat-sama.”

Killjoy.

So in case you couldn’t tell, dear Patrons, this is the very last chapter! :does Happy Dance: The last chapter was filled with pointless side-quests, but everyone eventually ended up outside Aku’s door via various means. I smell a big confrontation in the works with lots of improbable action, so sensei is on standby with a jumbo-sized box of sedative chocolates and a nice cup of coffee!

To the fic!

The demon they were desperately trying to locate was finally found behind an old wooden door at the top of an enormous stone tower.

The demon who is constantly surrounded by flames is located behind a wooden door.

“This could be problematic.”

With all the little inconsistencies in this fic, it really makes me wonder if the author has ever seen this show.

Samurai Jack stepped inside the room first, and came face to face with Aku himself.

Or face to toe.

Nani?”

Aku’s a shapeshifter, but his favourite form is ginormous.

Aku, seen here taunting Jack with a portal.

He was sitting on a giant stone throne that looked like flames.

Probably because it is flames. Aku’s home is a flaming section of the Void.

Aku stared down at the intruders menacingly, and glared at the warrior with his flaming eyes.

“Which one?”

Meh. It’s a character blob, so take your pick and you’re probably right.

The room became intensely humid as tension built between the powerful demon and the noble warriors.

“Apologies, but how does an increase in tension infuse moisture into the air?”

I think this might be yet another word choice error, but I’m not really sure what word would fit. Hostile, maybe? It’s a blatant example of telling instead of showing, whatever it is.

“So, you have returned to face me in pitch combat once again,” Aku spoke in an irritated tone. “I see that you have brought some other foolish warriors with you.”

“Again one must ask – to which warrior is the oni Aku speaking?”

:shrugs: Could be any of them, really.

“We’re not fools, Aku. From where we’re standing, you’re the fool,” Sasha rebelled, drawing her sword boldly from her scabbard.

“How so?”

Hmmm?

“Sasha-san claims the oni Aku is a fool, but he has successfully dominated the world for many centuries.”

He did just wait around in the tower room doing nothing until the Sisters showed up. Kind of dropped the ball, if you ask me.

 “Brave words from such a puny human female.”

“I might be small compared to you, but I’m strong.”

Yeah, but not in any way that matters.

“Apologies, but Sasha-san has proven herself to be fierce warrior who is quite capable of defeating a number of enemies.”

Enemies that were all robots. It doesn’t matter how strong her Earthbending skills are, the only thing in the known universe that can harm Aku is Jack’s sword. End of story. She can throw all the rocks she wants at him and it wouldn’t even scratch him; if she brought the entire palace down around their ears he would just slither out between the rubble and go build a new palace.

“As, yes. You—along with the rest of your female warriors—are a Samurai Sister. Sasha, correct?” Aku hissed, pointing at her with his giant black claw.

Why does he know who they are?

“Are the Sisters not the mortal enemies of the oni Aku?”

He’s an oppressive tyrant who took over the entire world; would-be heroes are probably falling out of the woodwork trying to kill him. There’s no way he’d be able to keep track of all of them.

“Yes, that’s me,” Sasha grinned, bending some stones in the room with her power. “Now enough talking.”

“Your words have proved prophetic, Ghostcat-sama. Sasha-san has brought the palace down around them.”

Looks like, or she at least brought this particular tower down. There’s not really any good way to remove lots of stones from walls and/or floor without something bad happening.

“Yeah, we came to fight,” Luna intervened, drawing her sword along with everyone else.

“Where is Jack-san? His is the only weapon that matters in this conflict; only his mighty thrusts can end this ordeal.”

:Ghostie giggles:

“Please have some dignity, Ghostcat-sama.”

“Since it is a fight you all seek, it is a fight you will have. Prepare to perish by my hand.”

Action sequence! :holds out bowl: Popcorn?

Arigatou.” :holds out bowl: “Marshmallow eel?”

Don’t mind if I do.

Aku rose from his throne and transformed into a hawk, and Rosalina inhaled deeply and blew out a stream of flames from her mouth.

Which should do nothing because it’s not Jack’s katana, and Aku is actually pretty comfortable around fire.

The flames she breathed managed to scratch Aku’s tail, and then he shape shifted into a rino.

:spit-take: WHAT?!?

“One should have brought one’s poncho.”

Sorry, sensei, it’s just … what the ever-loving hell? Aku lives in a realm of fire, his frickin’ eyebrows are made of fire! How would this in any way harm him?

“One also wonders how flames can scratch anything.”

…Huh. That is a puzzler.

The demon charged at the warriors in his new form, but then Jewel used her powers to freeze Aku in a block of ice.

:headdesk: Bloody hell. This is going to be like the last fight, isn’t it?

“It would appear that they are each going to attack in turn rather than combining their energies.”

So, yeah – just like the last time. A long, dull round-robin that takes way too long and ends with the Sues victorious.

Then the block of ice cracked and shattered as the demon changed into a dragon.

WOO-HOO! GO AKU! :waves flag:

“You realize you are rooting for the embodiment of pure evil?”

It’s that or cheering for a Sue.

“…Have you another flag?”

:Ghostie give Ishi a large foam finger:

Don’t let Gumdrop see you with this.

He breathed fire down upon them, and Luna used her shadow shield to protect them from the flames.

HA! :points: SEE? SEE?

“See what, Ghostcat-sama?”

He’s breathing frickin’ fire! How could Rosalina/Rosaline’s fire harm him if he can breathe frickin’ fire?!?

“You need to let it go, Ghostcat-sama.”

And shadows can’t protect you from fire!

“Have a cup of coffee, Ghostcat-sama. It will calm your soul.”

:sips from cup: Mmmmm… I’m still pissed, but it’s not as bothersome.

“Impressive defense attack young warrior,” Aku spoke, giving Luna a malicious smile.

:THWACK!:

That was not a defensive attack! She’s didn’t attack you, she blocked your attack! Learn to tell the difference!

“I can see why people have spread rumors about you being my apprentice.”

Wait, even he knows about that? Damn, these rumors must be all over the place.

“Who knew an obscure young waitress in a nameless sushi restaurant could generate such gossip.”

“It’s because I possess spiritual powers of darkness. Just because my powers are dark, that doesn’t mean I’m evil like you.”

More’s the pity. I was so hoping she’d turn rogue and make this fic at least slightly interesting.

:Ishi pats Ghostie on the shoulder:“There is still half a chapter left for her to betray them all.”

I know you’re just trying to make me feel better, but thanks.

Luna attacked Aku with a shadow whip, and then wrapped her shadow around the demon, placing him in a chock hold.

…Which is apparently something she can do now.

“Apologies, but what is this ‘chock’ that the author speaks of?”

She means ‘choke’, it’s one of those words that badfic authors seem to have a lot of trouble with.

She poured all of her strength into her attack, and saw that the demon’s eyes were practically bulging out of his head.

…How? He’s made of dark energy; if anything, her attacks would only strengthen him.

“Are his eyes not already protruding quite prominently?”

I guess no one’s noticed until now.

Just when Luna believed she was victorious,

Which would never happen, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT FUCKING JACK!!!

:points at Jewel: “She might be.”

GAHHH!:throws cup of coffee at Ishi:

“IT BURNS!!!” :runs out of Riffing Chamber:

Slow down, sensei! Watch out for the Shark Jump Tank!

—SOME TIME LATER—

“I do not care for this, Ghostcat-sama. Sitting around in one’s undergarments … It is undignified. ”

Oh, it’ll be fine once everything’s out of the wash. It’s not as if black shows stains.

“That was not like any kōhī I have ever known.”

I might have possibly put a bottle of rum in the coffeemaker. Hypothetically.

:Ishi sighs:

Care for a cup?

“… Hai.”

Aku broke her shadow’s hold on his neck, and transformed into a panther.

I guess he was just pretending to be at her mercy, then.

“It would be the evil thing to do, Ghostcat-sama.”

How is a panther more intimidating than a fire-breathing dragon? There’s very few things that trump a dragon.

“Perhaps Dragon-kun.”

If Gumdrop ever masters fire-eating, we should all be very afraid.

Then Jade attempted to strike him with her sword, but the persistent demonic panther stopped her attack by chomping down on her blade with his razor sharp teeth. Refusing to give up, she jerked the sword out of his mouth, and struck his side, leaving an enormous blood red scar.

:double spit-take:

AH! Sweet mercy, that does burn!

:wipes face, hands towel to Ishi:

That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen, and I’m not talking about sensei’s Strawberry Shortcake underpants.

“These were a gift from my wife!”

Aku bites down of Jade’s sword, which does no damage at all, but then she manages to wound him on the side?

 :THWACK!:

Hell. NO. You can’t have him undamaged by one action and damaged by another that would be less serious. And it shouldn’t do anything to him anyway since she doesn’t have Jack’s katana.

“Or does she?”

Don’t test me, sensei.

“Apologies, but where is Jack-san? I have not seen him at all this chapter.”

He’s … :looks around desk: Well, shit. I think we lost him. :shrugs: Meh, he’ll turn up eventually.

Aku as a panther roared our in agony as blood began to drip down on the flame shaped stone beneath his paws.

:headdesk:

“What ails you now, Ghostcat-sama?”

He’s bleeding – Aku, the shape-shifting master of darkness and embodiment of pure evil, is bleeding.

“One fails to see the problem.”

He’s got no blood! How can he bleed with no frickin’ blood?!?

“Ah. That would be problematic.”

Ya think!?

Jacob took advantage of the demon’s moment of weakness, and used his powers to bend water into the air.

And then gently washed away the non-existent blood from the wound.

“Apologies, but one was under the impression that such an action was used for healing.”

Huh. Maybe Man-Candy’s the one who is going to turn rogue.

As he bent water by waving his hand, he pushed the water towards Aku, and then them became trapped in a corner filled with spikes of ice pointing closely at his body.

What’s with this “closely” crap? You’re trying to kill him! Just skewer him already.

“One thought that only Jack-san’s weapon would be effective against the oni Aku.”

It is – but everyone else is doing damage, so why isn’t Man-Candy?

“Perhaps Jacob-san truly does wish to aid the oni Aku.”

Then the demon transformed into a crocodile, and as he transformed the spikes of ice shattered and scattered around the floor.

Just like when Jewel-Sue used ice on him! That is literally insane.

“I think you are over-stating things, Ghostcat-sama.”

No, that’s really insane; he’s performed the same action she did and expected a different outcome. That’s insanity.

“Is that the best you pathetic humans can do?” Aku laughed maniacally, biting at them with his reptilian teeth.

“It would appear so.”

I am rightly ashamed of our species.

“We’re just getting warmed up,” Rosalina retorted, producing flames in the palms of her hands.

We can check the obligatory “fire mage uses “warmed up” pun” off the checklist now.

With one flick of her wrists, she sent tiny balls of fire in Aku’s direction.

:snort: Like that would actually do anything.

:Ishi discreetly hides behind a tarp:

Some of the balls of fire left faint scorch-marks on the demon’s scaly body.

:spit-take: FRICKIN’ HELL!

What the bloody hell is going on? Sometimes he can endure fire but other times it burns him? What are you thinking, author?

“If this is true of the fire, will it be true of the ice as well?”

Huh?

“If they persist in the ice attacks, will it injure the oni Aku at some point?”

Probably, if it suits the author’s needs.

Rosalina’s fire attacks alone weren’t enough to take Aku down completely.

OR AT ALL!

:THWACK!:

“Calm yourself, Ghostcat-sama. Have some more coffee.”

:sips: Mmmm… Continue.

Serenity jumped into the battle, and produced beams of light from her hands, and blinded the demon temporarily.

That I could see actually working, since eyes work the same regardless of whether or not you’re evil.

“Apologies, but did you not say that the oni Aku is a shapeshifter?”

Yeah. So?

“Could he not create new eyes that would not be blinded?”

Probably, but that would require some thought being put into his character beyond “the bad dude” so it ain’t gonna happen.

She took advantage of Aku’s temporary blindness to attack him with her sword that illuminated with magical light.

:sirens blare:

Monkey-muffins! Time to put all that unused eggnog to use and wash the hallway at the same time!

:pulls lever:

—SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE—

Note to self; Gumdrop really likes eggnog.

“And giving tongue-baths to heavily-armored agents.”

Yeah, that was …unexpected.

“Both for we here in the Library and the agents themselves. It is an image will linger in my vision for all time.”

I suggest drinking plenty of rum-coffee.

“Take this, you demonic shape shifter!” Serenity shouted, wounding Aku with another large bloody scar on his waist.

:THWACK!:

How is this working? Even if the weapon injured him – which it frickin’ shouldn’t – he can just shapeshift into a new form and heal himself!

“That was my idea!”

Not anymore, it isn’t.

Resisting the pain the warriors had inflicted on him, he shape shifted yet again, but this time he changed into an elephant.

Which is more intimidating that a crocodile because … why?

“The animals chosen by the oni Aku do not appear to follow any logical course; it is as if they were chosen at random.”

I think you got it in one, sensei.

Sasha’s eyes glowed golden yellow as she moved the earth underneath her feet with her powers.

:facepalm:

You’re in a TOWER, dumbass. That ‘earth’ is the floor with a lot of nothing under it.

“It is stone so it would be within her abilities to move it.”

Then what are they going to stand on, smart guy? They are many stories up in a tower with no other rooms in it!

The flame shaped rocks and stones moved into the air at her command, and she attacked Aku without hesitation.

You should be hesitating, you baka! :slaps Sasha: You just killed all your friends for nothing! Aku can survive this!

Sasha pounded the rocks upon the big, demonic elephant, burying him underneath a huge pile of flame shaped stones.

“Good job breaking it, hero-sama.”

The flame shaped stones were motionless for a few brief moments, but then the rocks tumbled to the ground.

“Apologies, but did Sasha-san not just bury the oni Aku in this ‘ground’?”

Must be self-replicating. Or the author forgot about them being in a tower.

Aku burst out of the pile of stones Sasha had buried him in.

I hate to tell you “I told you so”, but …

“Since when?”

Hush, you.

He was no longer an elephant, but he was still in one piece with multiple scratches on his body. Aku rose from the ground now in his regular demonic form. He stood before the warriors, gazing down at them furiously with his glowing inflamed eyes.

Oh, they’ve really done it now. He’s sustained some scratches! They will feel his unholy wrath.

“Or the oni Aku will die a swift and ignoble death.”

He can’t die now, he hasn’t shouted out a clichéd villain phrase yet!

“You samurai warriors have pestered me long enough. It’s time I finished you off.”

:facepalm: Okay, now he can die.

“In his place I would welcome the sweet release of death.”

It does have a certain appeal after a while. But with all the respawn points in the Library, you’d probably come back dressed as a nun or something.

Without warning, Aku lifted his statuesque hand, and attempted to slash through all of the warriors with one strike.

“Apologies, but the oni Aku can do such a thing?”

Of course, he can make himself the size of an office building if he wants to.

Before the demon could attack them, Jack instantly took action, and began slicing through Aku’s flesh simultaneously.

“…Apologies, but with whom is Jack-san completing this action?”

:blinks: I … I don’t know. They are either all attacking together, which doesn’t make sense in context, or he is simultaneously piercing every particle of Aku’s flesh at the same time – which is also unlikely, because I don’t think physics works like that.

Aku howled out in pain in response to every attack Samurai Jack inflicted on his already injured body.

Which were all happening at the same time, because word choice.

“A very poor word choice.”

It’s the calling card of this fic.

At some point, the demon became so physically weakened, his body shrunk down to a normal human size, and he fell down on the stone floor.

At some point?

:THWACK!:

You are writing this in the present tense – you should know when it happens!

:Ishi looks around: “Is it happening now?”

Maybe?

Just like in the past, Aku’s body was blood red on the front of his torso.

When has he ever been described as having a red tummy?

“When has the oni Aku ever been described at all?”

… Frickin’ hell, you’re right! He’s never described at all! If I didn’t already know what he looked like in the canon, I would have no idea what his “regular demonic form” would be.

:THWACK!:

You can’t reference something from the past if you never established it in the first place!

He was lying helplessly in front of Jack’s feet, and clenching his stomach. The demon moaned out in agonizing pain, and he looked as if he was going to lose consciousness at any moment.

:slow clap: The embodiment of pure evil, dear Patrons.

“One is whelmed by his presence.”

He peeked through his squinting eyes at Samurai Jack, and realized his vision was beginning to blur.

:covers face with hands: This is just sad.

“For one who was supposedly a great threat, the oni Aku has proved to be a lackluster foe.”

He’s actually reached this point once before, which is when he sent Jack into the future. Aku could do that again; there’s nothing stopping him from flinging the samurai farther and farther into the future until he’s no longer a problem.

Aku reached out his hand in an attempt to stop Jack before the final blow was struck, but Jewel attacked him by pinning his arms to the ground with an ice blast.

BUt that should be no problem for him, right? He’s been fully encapsulated and then surrounded by ice and managed to break free, so just immobilizing his arms isn’t going to do anything, right? Right?

“Of course, Ghostcat-sama. It would be foolish for the oni Aku to be defeated in such a manner.”

…Oh, hell.

Jack raised his sword above the demon, and at last plunged his blade into Aku’s chest.

Double hell.

“Chocolate, Ghostcat-sama?”

Yes, please.

As the sword struck Aku’s chest, he screamed out in agonizing pain as his black body disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

Oh, good; he was just faking them out.

Nani?

Aku’s a shapeshifter, remember? He can turn into fog or smoke very easily.

“One wonders why the oni Aku did not do so during the battle.”

Drama, or whatever.

As the smoke lifted, the air around them in the room cleared, and the temperature was no longer humid.

For one thing, humidity is the amount of moisture in the air, not the temperature of that air. And why didn’t the humidity change now instead of when Jewel-Sue and Man-Candy were pulling water out of the air to bend it?

“Was the oni Aku a bender of waters as well?”

I don’t think so. He didn’t waterbend during the big round-robin fight, so probably not.

The Samurai Sisters along with Jacob cheered for Samurai Jack’s victory over finally destroying Aku. After vanquishing that powerful demon, Jack felt as if a large weight was lifted off of his shoulders.

Wait, what?

“Jack-san is triumphant!”

But how does he know that? He’s seen Aku vanish into smoke dozens of times! What made this time so special?

“The addition of several Sues?”

“You did it, Jack. You finally vanquished Aku,” Luna cried out in joy, embracing Jack in congratulations.

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:headdesk:

:Ishi pats Ghostie’s shoulder: “There, there, Ghostie-chan. It is almost over.”

Promise?

“If the oni Aku is gone, the fic must be nearing completion.”

“Yeah, thos were some mad skills you pulled in that battle. Way to go, Samurai Brother,” Sasha grinned, giving him a high five.

Word.

“What word?”

Word to your mother.

“What has my mother to do with anything?”

No, it’s …:sigh: Never mind.

“Now it’s time to return you home to your own time period. Are you and Jewel ready, Jack?” Serenity asked the two lovebirds.

Wow, that’s sudden. You could give them a minute to catch their breaths, say good-bye, mentally prepare themselves for a trip across the centuries…

“Insure that their foe is truly vanquished…”

That, too.

“You told her that you are coming with me?” Jack asked Jewel, looking at her in surprise.

If she used her telepathy for this, I’m gonna thwack someone so hard…

:Ishi scoots his chair away from Ghostie:

“No, she didn’t. I told her, and everyone else knows too,” Jacob confessed.

:headdesk:

Dammit! Rather than explaining her decision and having Jewel-Sue actually interact with the other characters to see how they would react, they just know what she’s going to do. And I bet they have absolutely no problem with it.

“They should shame her into remembering her duties to her clan and kindred.”

Sorry, but that’s not nearly as romantic as running off into the sunset with your man. Or hopping across a few cenuries, as in this case.

“Jacob told all of us last night about everything, and we know why you desperately want to go with Jack to his own time,” Jade smiled, gazing at them knowingly.

But you shouldn’t because it could create a paradox as well as being a dumbass idea.

“It’s true. Jack and I are in love. I will miss you all…I mean, we will miss you all,” Jewel corrected herself, practically chocking on the words.

“Jack-san will miss them? Has he grown close to these people?”

I don’t think so. He’s barely been around them.

“We’ll miss you two as well,” Rosalina replied, giving Jewel a warm hug.

“Well, everyone except Serenity-san will miss them.”

What makes you say that? It’s not like she likes them any less than the others; I mean, as far as I know she doesn’t. She hasn’t been in the fic very much, either.

“Serenity-san is a time traveler, she would be able to visit them at any time.”

…Huh. I forgot about her being able to do that. She might even be able to take others along with her when she goes. That would make this nothing more than an extremely long-distance relationship.

“I’ll tell dad about everything. He’ll understand and honor your decision.

You know, you don’t have to leave right this minute. That’s the beauty of on-demand time travel. You could go back home, talk to Artemis, and then leave.

“Or Jewel-san could use her telepathy to speak with her father.”

:eye-twitch: Yeah. That.

Also, forgive me for trying to persuade you to abandon your love for Jack. I should have realized you cared too much for him to let him go.”

And of course teenage girls know what’s best for their futures.

“Apologies, but is Jewel-san so young?”

Maybe? Her age has never been given, she’s a full Sister so she has to be over eighteen but that’s the only solid fact regarding her age that I know of.

“That’s alright, Jacob. No need to apologize. I know you were just looking out for me. I pray that the love between you and Rosalina will stay strong and continue to grow.”

:THWACK!:

Your brother was understandably upset with you when he learned of your rash decision to abandon everything you’ve ever known to follow some guy, and you’re acting bloody magnanimous towards him?

:THWACK!:

If you hadn’t killed Aku, he would have died of embarrassment from having such suck-ass foes.

“If the oni Aku truly has perished.”

I’m kind of hoping he hasn’t because he’s a sly devil and the way they’ve dismissed him would be a great set-up for him to pop out of the woodwork and go all Old Testament on their asses, but I don’t see that happening.

“Ah. Pity.”

“I pray the same for you and Samurai Jack,” Jacob responded, giving his beloved sister a goodbye hug.

:gags: Make. It. Stop!

“Stay strong, Ghostcat-sama!”

As they said their final farewells, Jack and Jewel stood before Serenity hand in hand. Serenity sprinkled some stardust into the air in order for her time traveling spell to work.

:record-screech:

She’s doing what with the what?

“Apologies, but is this behavior normal?”

No, not in the slightest! This is the first time anything like this has shown up! I half-expect Tinkerbelle to fly out of the Void to teach them how to fly.

She waved her hands in the air and a wave of light streamed around her, which opened a shiny time portal before them.

The fuck is this? If she’s opening a physical portal for them to pass through, then what was that stardust shit for?

“The trip would be much more pleasant if one was under the influence of an illicit substance.”

…I’m gonna allow that.

In order to send Jack and Jewel back to the right time in the past she had to recite an ancient incantation.

AND THERE’S A FUCKING POEM?!?

:Ishi throws a handful of ‘stardust’ in Ghostie’s face:

…And I’m suddenly okay with that. Hey! Did you know there’s a naked guy in here?

“One is wearing underpants!”

Those are girl’s undies, dude.

“Do not judge us!”

Light from the moon,

Light from the sun,

Stars of the sky fill this room,

Darkness will be undone.

This is really harshing my mellow, dude.

The battle is won,

Reverse the moon and sun,

Unravel the evil Aku has done,

Take them back where it begun.

Which would be … That village, maybe?

“The early primordial ooze?”

Let’s go with yours.

Fly these souls back in time,

And let their victory shine,

Allow the past to be changed,

So the future can be rearranged.

And by “rearranged” you could mean “completely fuck up”, assuming this is a linear timeline and not one with divergent futures existing in alternate dimensions.

“You are surprisingly articulate for one who has consumed such large quantities of percolated rum and stardust.”

:giggles: Nekkid ninja talk funny.

:Ishi sighs:

I pray these souls to be well,

For I cast the time travel spell,” Serenity recited, completing the incantation, and her eyes glowed brightly as the time portal illuminated the room.

So let me get this straight; she tossed stardust on them, opened a portal, spoke some words, and now the portal is glowing?

“Glowing more intensely; it was merely shiny before.”

:headdesk: I want to toss her through myself and be done with it.

“This is it. Goodbye everyone,” Jewel said, waving goodbye to all of her friends and her brother.

:waves: Good riddance, assbutt.

:waves: “You will never be mourned.”

Wait a second; the Sisters are the only people she considers friends? Didn’t she have any normal friends?

“What average, rational person could stomach such a thing?”

You make a fine point, Ichigo-sensei.

“Please do not call me that.”

As she and Jack stepped through the time portal, they both landed on soft grass, and then the time portal closed behind them. They both looked around and realized they were standing on Jack’s homeland.

Like, the whole thing?

“His land is a small one.”

The country of Japan in the past was more beautiful than Jewel imagined it would be.

Oh, this should be good. :readies Mr. Crowbar:

“…One feels the need to find one’s trousers.”

Cherry blossoms covered the trees, and the sweet smell of the ocean filled the breeze.

Sweet smells such as decomposing garbage, human waste, and rotting fish? Yeah, that’s bracing.

Jack took Jewel’s hand in his, and showed her around his home.

…And?

“One believes that is the extent of it, Ghostcat-sama.”

That’s it? Cherry blossoms and the ocean? Japan might be an island, but it’s a big ass island with lots of mountains – you can’t see the ocean from everywhere!

Lots of them, all over the damned place.

Does the author know anything about Japan beyond the most basic stereotypes?

“The author’s ignorance is as vast as the slopes of Fuji-san.”

After the destruction of the all-powerful demon Aku, the world was once again at peace in the past and in the future.

…Not quite. You killed him in the future and then traveled to the past, remember? He hasn’t died yet, so Aku is still around making life difficult for the natives. You’re going to have to kill him again.

“And this time without the aid of the Sisters.”

It’s not like they really did anything except pad out the scene, sensei.

Jack and Jewel got married, settled down in the palace in Japan his parents raised him in, and had two children.

Wow, that was fast.

“One did not even realize Jewel-san was with child. Who is the father?”

I hope it’s Jack, but she’s only known him for about three days or so at this point.

Jewel had given birth to a boy and a girl,

At the same time? Or are these kids the results of two different pregnancies? I can’t keep up with the time-skips.

“They could be twins, as Jewel-san and Jacob-san were.”

and she named her son Jacob after her brother and her daughter Alicia after the fortuneteller from the future.

“No, she did not.”

They are her kids, she can name them whatever dumbass name she wants to.

“Apologies, Ghostcat-sama, but she cannot. This is the future Emperor of the land; much care must be given to choosing an auspicious name.”

Like what?

:Ishi produces a list of names:

Oh.

Jacob and Alicia inherited their mother’s spiritual powers as well, and learned martial arts along with sword fighting from their father.

“Of course they did.”

Are … Are you being sarcastic?

“It is the truth; as the children of a samurai, they would be trained in the old ways. It is only proper.”

Meanwhile, things changed exponentially in the future in Arab.

Again with that word!

“I do not think it means what the author thinks it means.”

I’m not really sure what she thinks it means.

Jacob and Rosalina got married, and had two kids, a boy and a girl they named Jack and Jewel.

Because that’s not creepy.

“One finds the idea … unsettling.”

Jade became the new leader of the Samurai Sisters, and wound up marrying Luke the bartender from the Sushi & Bar restaurant.

:headdesk: Bloody hell, it’s a frickin’ wrap-up ending.

“Did Jade-san care for Luke-kun at all?”

They were together once for maybe ten seconds when she went to pick her drunk-ass sister up from the bar. There wasn’t any hint that they had a relationship or did anything other than tolerate each other.

Sasha became Madam Alicia’s apprentice, started training to become a professional fortuneteller, and promised to take over the fortuneteller position after Madam Alicia died.

“Apologies, but is this something Sasha-san has an affinity for?”

If she can’t already see into the future, then I doubt there’s anything the Magic Alicia Ball can do to force the issue or it wouldn’t matter who she picked to follow in her footsteps. What the hell kind of training can you give someone so they can see the future?

After two more years of training, Luna and Serenity finally became official Samurai Sisters.

Wait a second – all of that happened in less than two years? Getting married and having babies and becoming a psychic and everything?

“The time seems far too short for so many activities.”

Madam Alicia predicted that the world would continue to remain at peace thanks to Samurai Jack…and her prediction was correct.

It’s the perfect ending to this fic; bland, dry, and utterly boring.

“And quite incorrect; the power void left by the destruction of the oni Aku would likely lead to a global collapse and rampant civil wars.”

There’s a cheerful note to leave on.

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21 Comments on “917: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter XIV”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    That I could see actually working, since eyes work the same regardless of whether or not you’re evil.

    Actually it couldn’t, assuming that Aku’s eyes (and brain) are as indestructible as the rest of him. The best you could get is to saturate them with light, meaning he couldn’t see anything while the light was directly on him. But since you couldn’t do any damage to his retinas or nervous system, he would immediately regain normal vision as soon as you took the light away.

    • Even invulnerable eyes would need time to adjust to extremes in light levels so there might be a narrow window of opportunity as his eyes adjusted from the bright light to the relatively dim room.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well if the adjustment process is symmetric (Mythbusters told me it is) then you’d need to keep the light on him for about half the time he was going to be blinded anyway, so I’m not sure how useful that would be.

        Especially since they have an Earthbender in the party, and Aku could be blinded for just as long if not longer with much less effort simply by spraying an opaque layer of dust or grit over his eyes. It wouldn’t stop him from growing new eyes somewhere else (does Aku seem a lot like 682 to anyone else?), but it’d be better than the spotlights.

      • The Earthbender could have even thrown up a cloud of dust (or one of the waterbenders could have created a thick fog) and had Serenity hit it with the light to blind him, like high-beams in a fogbank – but that would have required them to work together rather than each taking a turn like it was some cut-rate kung fu movie.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    You’re in a TOWER, dumbass. That ‘earth’ is the floor with a lot of nothing under it.

    “It is stone so it would be within her abilities to move it.”

    Then what are they going to stand on,

    Actually, Aku’s throne is stone and she appears to be bending that.

    And I know this because she describes both the throne and the projectiles as “flame shaped stones” Every. Single. Time. They. Appear.

    (To be fair, crushing the tyrant under his own throne would be an awesome, if heavy-handed (hehe) way to kill the Big Bad.)

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Aku bites down of Jade’s sword, which does no damage at all, but then she manages to wound him on the side?

    Now, now, while absolutely impossible in anything resembling reality, catching the enemy’s sword in your teeth would be pretty much the sign of the ultimate badass.

    And in fact, if anyone has the strength, dexterity, and general balls to do it, it would be a nigh-indestructible demigod like Aku.

  4. What the fuck is going on here?

    Indeed mortal

    Who in the hell?

    It is I, the shape shifting master of evil Aku, drawn to your world by this cesspit of darkness.

    (please add image to post whoever approves this. Also, delete this line when done please.)

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Unravel the evil Aku has done,

    Take them back where it begun.

    It’s not constant, but it is consistent: I do not think this author knows quite how to grammar just yet.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    If Gumdrop ever masters fire-eating, we should all be very afraid.

    Aaaand I just had an image of a T-rex passionately kissing a dragon flash through my brain. Thanks, Ghostie.

  7. TacoMagic says:

    I might have possibly put a bottle of rum in the coffeemaker. Hypothetically.

    Wait, you what? But Crunchy doesn’t drink! I think it’s a Sith thing. His morning rough-

    *Crunchy stumbles in*

    “I just wanted to let you all know that I despise you all far less than the other monkeys.”

    OH SWEET GODS! Crunchy is an affectionate drunk!

    “Do you mind if I stand within five feet of you, Taco?”

    Dude, don’t be clingy.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    He stood before the warriors, gazing down at them furiously with his glowing inflamed eyes.

    And just when he ran out of evil Visine, too.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    The battle is won,

    Reverse the moon and sun,

    Wait, is this the poem she recites every time she needs to time-travel? That seems an oddly topical poem if so…


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