916: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad – Chapter Three

Title: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad
Author: Axel The Moon
Media:  Video Game
Topic: XCOM/Corpse Party
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad! I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and we’re gonna go off and finish this this time, yeah?

I mean, I’ve seen quite a few nonsensical crossovers, even written one, but this… actually isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Oh, it’s terrible, but it’s not as bad as it could’ve been. Which, knowing the Library, would’ve been really, really horrible. But it’s not that.

No, the really horrible stuff comes next week.

So let’s not waste any time, shall we? It’s time to finish this thing off and give you guys an early Christmas present in the form of “finishing this fic”. So let’s get to it!

We open with an author’s note:

Author Note:Okay,in this episode is with Yuu and how he escape.

*headdesk*

Oh! Well, author, thank you for revealing what happens in this chapter. Yuu escapes, and stuff. Yay! Now we can all go home, and eat—

*BAM*

Ow! Dammit, ninjas, I told you to remove the hand slapping prank from the wall! Dammit, this is the Library, not fucking Jackass!

*sighs*

Oh, well, I guess we better keep going, right?

Anyway, after this, we get a disclaimer, and we jump to this:

Location:Unknow Time:12:30 AM.

Huh. I didn’t think there was a place called “Unknow Time”. Any chance we’ll run into Tom Cruise snogging Penelope Cruise when we show up?

A child woke up with a groan,he has a chocolate hair with a ocean blue eye,he seem to wear a complete white suit.

Well, that kid’s probably blind as a bat. That, or he’s slowly suffering from constant dehydration considering that his eye is nothing but salt water.

And why is he wearing a white suit? You’re not the Architect, kid, I’m sure there’s something less stuffy you could be wearing for the situation I think you’re in.

He look around the place he was was in a some kind of cage by the look of it.

What happen?Where A’m I?…Who I am again?I can’t remember anything.”He thought as he realize he can’t remember who he is.

And no, this thought bubble was not enough. There are other ways to show your character has amnesia.

And really, you’re going with the “amnesiac child” trope? Jesus Christ, why have I gotten all the clichéd ones lately?

But…One thing for sure…I had to get out of here.”He thought as he look around for an exit or anything that can get him out of here.

And how do you know that? If you don’t know who you are, where you are, and what you’re doing there, then why do you know you need to get out of there? Fraug, correct me if there’s some psychological phenomenon I’m not aware of that could explain this, but for now… what?

He hear a sound and look to see a door instinc,

A door instinc…? So there was a giant-ass spider guarding it?

When did we step into a fantasy RPG?

he get down and pretend to be asleep.A second later,he heard three voice.

“Hey,you don’t had to hold me that hard.”Said a child voice?He don’t know.

And we don’t either.

And on that note… excuse me.

*walks outside, walks back in*

Ah, there we go. My eyes were beginning to get all bloody again. Thank god the doctor gave me those eye drops, I’ve needed them for a while. Anyway, I’ll just apply those as we go, and we’ll see what happens, yeah?

“P-please,let us go,we won’t tell them were is it.”Said a girl voice.”LET ME OUT!YOU BASTARD!”Yell a male voice.

Actually, the cages comment brings up a good point. The author is aware that the containment items in which abduction victims were held did not look at all like cages, right? And that they’re also not easily escapable and all that jazz, right?

Hyshagatanotehiro,yenakenodoresa“Said a strange voice saying in a strange some reasone,he can understand what they say.

*SIRENS BLARE*

Oh, goddammit, the DRD got dragged in again?

*hides under the desk*

Ninjas, fire the cannons!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

Huh… I didn’t think their heads would explode from that… Huh. Note to self: caramel sauce is an effective projectile weapon after all.

Anyway, where were we…? Oh, right, gibberish.

You know, just putting down random gibberish and passing it off as a language is about the fastest way to turn a reader off. I mean… seriously, when your language has no fucking spaces between anything like that, then it’s clear there was absolutely no thought put into them.

Also, the strange voice was saying stuff in a “strange some reasone”? Hm… What the hell is a reasone, and how does it relate to how his voice sounded?

Be quiet you pathetic human,lock them up and prepare for the experiment on C3-A12“That what he understand.

*headdesk*

Again, why would the aliens say that? And for a coldly efficient alien force that could only be taken out by a multi-national black ops outfit, they sure are acting more like Bond villains than they probably should…

Before he knew it,he hear a door open on his side,then fell three thud beside he hear the door close.”

*applies eye drops*

What the fuck…? So the word “thud” appeared beside the door right as he heard it close, and it appeared three times.

You know what? Sure. Why not?

“Said the voice means”I brought a food for you see how long would you hold your hunger.“At this,his eye widen in horror.”Did they…gonna use me as a pet,and those prisoner are my food?“That what he think,he open his eye and look around.

A food? And it’s a word that he’s eating? Oh shit, we’re in a bad edutainment game right now, aren’t we? No!

*runs and hides*

Please no, I don’t want to be in Captain Novolin again!

Only to see many eaten corpse,human this,his eye widen in terror.”Did I…Kill them for food?No,this can’t be happening!“His thougth goes haywire as he stare at those bloody corpse.

Wait, how do you know that you ate all these people? For all you know, you could be in the rancor’s enclosure after having been adopted by the rancor. Granted, that’s extremely unlikely (and would also make this a Star Wars crossover, which we don’t need right now), but you’re blaming yourself for something you don’t know you’ve done yet?

Um… right! Whatever. Let’s just move on.

“Are you’re the one…Responsible for this?”Said a girl,he look and see three different people.

A boy,at 16 he think,has a ocean blue eye and a aqua blue wear what look like a marine armor,only sky blue medium other,look like a jock,has a red hair and a black seem to wear…a uniform?Yeah,a school uniform,a black shirt and pant,with a red jacket blazer.

The third is what hit him the hardest.

She is a cute girl with a purple magneta hair,with a sky blue seem to wear a purple light armor.

*applies eye drops*

Okay, I know that Ayumi has blue hair in the various Corpse Party remakes, and I know that XCOM’s numerous character customization options allow you to dye your units’ hair all the colors of the rainbow and all, but… aren’t some of these characters still designed a touch impractically? I mean, what’s with the dude who’s got combat armor for hair? I didn’t know XCOM could do that! And what school uniforms have you gotten that are all black? I’d be more forgiving, but author, you’re from fucking Puerto Rico! I’d be concerned about the fact that your schoolchildren somehow haven’t boiled to death if their school uniforms are all black! And how does combat armor look like a jock, anyway?

And why is the girl wearing nothing but a seam? Do they even make seams that are that big? I don’t…

*headdesk*

Let’s just keep going.

No,I can’t let them I do kill them then…Am I a murdere?”

I don’t think so, dear. See, a murdere is probably someone who is an aficionado in serial killings. Seeing as how this seems more like a case of forced cannibalism than murder, I doubt that’s the case.

He thought himself as he look at his surrounding.”I don’t know,I can’t remember everything,like my past,my family,everything,including my own name.”He said it,admitted.

*SIRENS BLARE*

What the—the caramel sauce wasn’t enough!?

*hides behind desk*

Fire the chocolate sauce cannons!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence]

Huh… Chocolate sauce also works well. Though, note to self, make sure it’s piping hot next time…

“They musted trying to experimenting you,it seem that they planning to use you as a weapon,

Which, again, why the fuck would these particular aliens do that!?

that I can not allowed.”A blue hair boy said,causing him to look at him in confuse.”Huh?How did you know that Senjin?”A purple hair girl said to the blue hair.”Well,Seiko-Chan tell me about this in the day that I met her Yuka-San.”Senjin said to moment he said Seiko,he had a headache.

Oh hey, it turns out that this child is being made to eat all the guys that got captured! Including that Senjin guy that Seiko was so worried about last chapter! Huh, imagine that!

“Hey,what wrong there child?”Said the red haired his voice seem far away as he having a vision.

Oh, boy, please don’t tell me this leads to a—

**Flashback**

Goddammit. Ah, well, at least there’s no hope of a random mid-chapter author’s note appearing in-fic. That would just be—

(Author Note:This scene came from a opening of chapter 4)

*BAM*

Goddammit, Ironic Overpower…

The boy was on a bath with a teenage girl who has a long brown hair that goes to her neck.

Eew! Dude, I know this is Japan that we’re talking about here, but still! Two people on a bath (which, by the way, how the hell are they standing on the bath?), presumably doing things I shall not speak of here…

*headdesk*

“Come on Yuu,let me wash your back.”The girl said to Yuu,who is looking at her with a spout.”It okay nee-chan,I can wash it myself you know.”He say as he get out of the bath and sit in front of her sister while covering his private area.

Oh, okay, he was just with Seiko then. Never mind.

And on that note… come on, dude, it’s your older sister! And it’s also Seiko Shinohara, who also doesn’t particularly like penises and stuff. I’m sure she won’t mind!

Her sister giggle at bit”What you got there little man,you know there is no secret in this bathroom.”

See? She doesn’t mind!

As she said this,she slap Yuu on his look behind from his shoulder to see her face to face.”Come on nee-chan,don’t.”Yuu say to her sister and turn his back on her.

Then something unexpected happened.

She touch Yuu on his armpit and start tickle him.”Mwuahahaha,take this,and this,and this.”She said as she keep tickling her little brother.”Ah!Nee-chan wait!”He yell at her sister”Come on there ypu little cutie pie.”She say as both Yuu and her sister are on the ground.”Nee-chan don’t…*snort*…it tickle!”He said as she keep tickling for what seem like a eternity.”Gotcha!”She said as she done tickling Yuu,who was walking a few feet away from her.

Wait a smidge… Could it be…?

“Man,why did you alway had to do that nee-chan.”Yuu said as he look at just giggle at her little this,he sight and his smile apeared.”You know nee-chan…Sometime…You’re really are like a mom.”Yuu said,a blush apeared on his face.”Aaahh,do you really think so Yuu?”She said as she look at her little brother,who was blushing madly and look at the other side.”That not what I mean.”He said to she get up,walk to him and hug him from behind Yuu.”You really grown up Yuu…alway worrie about your Onee-Chan’s feeling.”She said to Yuu,who said nothing as a small tear drip down from his face.

*frown*

Why would Yuu be crying at this particular moment? There hasn’t been any real emotional moment here, there’s been no epiphany, so why the fuck is he crying?

No…I’m not gonna cry.”He thought to himselft,trying to prevent himself from crying,she continue to say.”But you’re still young Yuu,too young to act an grown up.”She said to Yuu,who again was having a tear.“Nee-chan…do you really care about me?Like our Oka-san?”Yuu thought as he was fighting his tear.”So how about you start acting at your age and stop worrie about you’re Onee-Chan,Hm?”She said again to Yuu,who now was crying up.”Ah see, you’re crying Yuu,you’re still a child.”She said to Yuu,who keep crying in her arm.“Why do you keep making me crying Nee-chan?Why do you want to take care of us,do you worrie that something might happen to us?”He thought to himselft as he keep crying.

Then his sister,like what she is,said something he alway get embarrase.”Do you want some mama’s milk?”She said that to Yuu“Yeah pl-Wait what!?”Thought Yuu as he realise what she turn around to face her,blushing madly.”That not even possible!Don’t be a perv Nee-chan.”Yuu said to his sister,who once again hug him tighler and smile at her embarrase little brother.”Yuu,your a good boy…don’t you ever change it okay?I hope you stay like this forever.”She said to Yuu,who has a tear rolling down on him.“Nee-chan…thank you.”His thought as he close his eye and hug her back.A smile form on his face.

And is that where—?

**End of flashback**

So it is, then.

Okay. Um… I’m sure that was a perfectly sweet scene in the author’s head. I mean, it’s certainly the first scene I’ve seen all day that could be even passable, and that’s better than nothing. I just have two kind of major problems.

First of all, is it me, or does this scene make Seiko come off as a bitch? There she is seeing her brother have a perfectly normal reaction to seeing someone who is likely under a lot of stress, and he’s trying to make sure she’s okay. I’m sure that the author meant for Seiko to try to tell Yuu that she would be fine and not to worry about her, but the way it’s worded just makes her seem extremely patronizing. And that just sucks out all the heartwarming that the scene had. Which is kind of sad, because it actually did have a fairly heartwarming start.

Second… that grammar! Good fucking Jesus, the grammar is so atrocious in this fic! Seriously, man, take some lessons from Skrillex, if you don’t mind! Seriously, dude, he knows how to use a space bar, though I do also hear he’s a lonely little troll and he does go from piano to fortississimo.

*headdesk*

Anyway, let’s just go on.

He woke up with a start,he look around to see everyone look at him,worrying.”You okay there Mr.?”Yuka said to feel something watering on his eye.”I remember now.I’m Yuu Shinohara.And…I was capture by them,and they kill…they kill…“Yuu then hug Yuka,while crying to has lost his father and he don’t know what happened to Seiko.

*headdesk*

Good God, Yuka does step onto the battlefield in this fic!

I just… author, what the fuck were you thinking? Enlistment age is 18 in Japan, and even taking the fact that XCOM is a multinational front into account you’re still dealing with countries where the enlistment age is 17. Most of the main cast of Corpse Party is 16 years old with a few exceptions, so I could maybe see why you would throw them onto the battlefield. It’s still stupid, but I could see why you’d do it.

But Yuka Mochida? Really? In case you haven’t noticed, author, Yuka is fucking TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!! What the fuck made you think that XCOM would ever think it acceptable to give a fucking twelve-year-old girl armor and a laser rifle to kill aliens? I just… are you being serious right now? Fucking really!?

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

“W-what happened to n-nee-chan?Please I need to know.”Yuu say inbeetween look at him,and realise what he mean.”Are you Yuu?”Senjin say,not believing what he saw,but he is confirm as he nod to him.

I’m sorry, am I supposed to be glad that Yuu has finally been found? ‘Cause I still am stuck on the fact that XCOM is somehow allowing a TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL to just wade into battle as a combatant!

*headdesk*

“Please,I need to k-know she fine,and my sibling.”Yuu say as he cry.”Well,your sister was looking for you everywhere without tiring and Aya and Kei are safe at HQ.”At this,he let a small smile,knowing that his sibling are okay.”Well,we need to get out of here first,but ho-“The red hair started to say,until the gate open.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll sit here and pretend I actually give a shit about what’s going on.  Can you please cut to something mildly interesting?

**Earlier at the same time**

As the 16 year old girl,in a red dress was walking throught the Sectoid’s mothership,she found the security went in there and saw two unknow shadow.

Sixteen year old girl in a red dress? What the fuck is she, and what the hell is she doing in the… unless…

Oh no, don’t tell me this is who I think it is…

The girl,took out a scissor and take out 2 shadow,who was screeching in pain,but her shadow move on it own and went to the mouth,making sure no one hear it that,the shadow,mysteriusle disintergrate.

Okay, what the hell is this?

Is this really Sachiko Shinozaki we’re talking about here? I just… I… I don’t even…

First of all, no matter which version you’re talking about, Sachiko is always haunting the ground that Heavenly Host was on. It’s explicitly mentioned several times in both versions of Corpse Party, and it’s a major plot element of both. She also can’t go beyond the walls of that elementary school, so that’s bonus points for this making no sense.

And second of all, Sachiko is 16 now? I know she was 16 in RPG Maker!Corpse Party, but the fact that Seiko and Yuuya have both shown up explicitly makes this PSP!Corpse Party, in which Sachiko is seven years old!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

I’m beginning to get the sneaking suspicion that this author may not have actually played the games, and is cribbing elements from the games without knowing anything about the finer points of the universe’s continuity or the actual canon characterization of everyone in Corpse Party or anything like that.

Seriously, what the fuck is Sachiko doing here?

She check the camera and spot a cell, with four people in it.”Bingo”She said as she push the button,causing the gate to be open.

Oh, right, she’s acting as a convenient Deus Ex Machina. ‘Cause heaven forbid that the XCOM squad use their wits and abilities to get the fuck out of dodge, right? No, you’ve got to have the spirit of a dead teenager open the way, even though it makes no fucking sense because Sachiko has no domain outside of Heavenly Host!

*BAM*

And this would be why writing an entire fic based on a gameplay quirk of XCOM is an inherently terrible idea.

Hey,how did it open?“Question the red hair teen as they got out.”

It opened because stupid. Don’t bother trying to figure out why, you’ll just hit a wall when you do.

I don’t know,but we take this as an oportunity to escape.“A blue boy,which she reconize was Senjin, this,she glee in happy.”Oh boy!Senjin Ni-chan is here.”She said as she took off to meet them.

She found plenty of gun,human gun,she could use,so she take them all and it amunition.”Might as well,reveal myself once I found them.”She said as she found the door.

And Sachiko is evidently a good guy now. So this is RPG Maker!Good!Sachiko instead of PSP!Sachiko., which should still make no sense since RPG Maker!Good!Sachiko was ridiculously underpowered in the plot of RPG Maker!Corpse Party.

*headdesk*

**Meanwhile**

“Oh yeah,we have’nt met,the name’s Kai Shimada.

*headdesk*

And there’s another one of the resident corpses of Heavenly Host. I’m going to assume that the author forgot that he hasn’t explained how the fuck Yuuya got out yet and is just throwing out random characters from Heavenly Host regardless of how little sense it makes. And trust me, it makes even less sense here since the sequel/interquel Corpse Party: Book of Shadows pretty firmly reveals that Kai and some of his other friends were all killed by Yuuya long before Seiko and the others showed up.

Combine that with the fact that Mayu Suzumoto (one of the students who hasn’t been mentioned), Sakutaro Morishige (the other student who hasn’t been mentioned yet), and Yui Shishido (which is especially telling considering that, as the homeroom teacher of Class 2-9, she’s the only living character in all of Corpse Party who happens to be above Japan’s enlistment age) have yet to make appearances…

Yeah, I don’t think this author actually knows anything about Corpse Party apart from brief Wiki searches. And if he does, he just doesn’t care enough to adhere to the franchise’s actual continuity.

“Kai said as they were running throught the hallway.”Nice to meet you Shimada.”Senjin say.”My name is Senjin Sarutobi,this is Yuka Mochida,and the boy here is Yuu Shinohara.”He introduce himself and the kid.

Wait, so Senjin is introducing himself, Yuka, and Yuu to Kai… even though Yuka and Senjin were thrown into the “cell” with Kai.

Is Kai distantly related to Dory or something? What is this?

“Okay,we need to find the escape pod and we-“As the door open,they stop to see Yuuya Kizami and the Human lizard.”What this?Four Rabbit getting out?Well I’ll make sure you won’t escape.”Yuuya said as he press his knuckle hard.

Oh no, Yuuya is a traitor to the cause. How shocking. I don’t know anything about him as a character and I have no idea why the fuck he would turn on XCOM, but fuck it, it’s so exciting. It really is.

Shinogarakunoyeni,yuusheganotimi.“The human lizard,problaby a female,said in a Sectoid language,to which both Senjin and Yuu understand what it say.”You handle the three,I’ll take care of Yuu.

Wait, so now Yuuya can presumably understand the sectoid language, because why the hell else would this “human lizard” speak to him in that language instead of, you know, his native language? And apparently, Senjin knows it now too, since he can understand what she’s saying.

So I repeat: why was Seiko so special if Yuuya and Senjin can also seemingly pick up this “sectoid language” with no problems?

At this,both of them blink.”Who are you and how did you know him?”Senjin said to the Human lizar,that he discover that it a female.”Harishashimotoku,hiherashikaseSayakaShinohara

*frowns*

Wait a minute, I saw a random Japanese name in there! Don’t tell me—

The lizar reply,both of them eye widen because they understan what she translation was this:(A/N:Prepare to get the ultimate mindfuck.)

*BAM*

First of all, if your twist is going to be a mindfuck, then don’t fucking tell us it’s going to be a mindfuck, author! If it’s a mindfuck, that’ll be evident once we actually fucking read the twist itself! And really? You’re telling your audience how they should feel about certain twists? Yeah, that’s not a patronizing way to insult your readers’ intelligences at all!

“That because I know him,because I use to be name Sayaka Shinohara.”At this,Yuu stutter at this.”M-mom,is t-that y-you?”Yuu said,affraid that he has to handle his own mother.

Well, if nothing else, he’s not wrong about it being a mindfuck. After all, this twist did come right the fuck out of nowhere with no actual set-up. Well, except that it fails as a mindfuck because anyone reading this without having played the games won’t know why the fuck this is important to anyone.

“Enought Talk,we’re going to have some fun.”Yuuya Said as he start punching Senjin,who dogde easylie and able to block it.”Yuu,Yuka!Run!We handle these two!”Shimada say as he start attacking Sayaka.”O-okay.”Yuka said as she hold Yuu’s hand and run to the other way.

You know, I would question why an XCOM soldier would leave the others right at the start of the engagement, but fuck it. If it means that we get to avoid seeing a twelve-year-old girl fighting in a war, then I’m all for this display of poor tactical reasoning.

**On Yuu and Yuka**

“Come on Yuu,I don’t want you to die.”Yuka say as they running.”Yeah but where?”Yuu say,afraid because they don’t know where they headed.

Well, knowing Yuka, it’ll probably be out in a German forest somewhere. Never underestimate the power of twelve-year-old girls in highly traumatizing situations for children.

“I don’t know but look,a door.”Yuka say as they enter the room was full of ship,on it left,was a weapon they can use.

“Well,It least we had something we can use.”Yuka said as she pick up two rifle,and give one of them to Yuu.”Here,we need that for protection.”Yuka say,with a little smile.”Okay,let go.”Yuu say as he pick the weapon she give him,and some amunition.

Just as a reminder, ladies and gentlemen, here is a different picture of a child with a rifle:

After that,they went to the ship.

So they went to the ship… that they were already in. Huh…

They spot ten sectoid,who spot them and start shooting them,who took aim at the sectoid’s head and fire,headshot right ,aim and fire at the chest,it got throught and unknowing it,kill the other three behind them.

Yuu blink twice.”That was a four kill.”Yuu say as he start shooting.

Whoah, what!? Did a little child seriously just kill four fucking sectoids with a single shot? Never mind that it’s completely impossible to do that in-game even with laser guns, I don’t think that’s possible in real life!

*headdesk*

Jesus, it’s no wonder that a bunch of people around a high school managed to outsmart these aliens! They’re so easily killed it’s not even funny!

**At Senjin and Kai’s side**

Both Senjin and Kizami start throwing punches at incredible was dodging a lot of acid that Sayaka shot,from her tail.

And this lizard person is now shooting acid from her tail. You know, as opposed to shooting acid from her mouth.

Fuck it, I’m not going to question it. Seriously, trying to find logic in a fic in which four fucking sectoids get killed by one fucking shot is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

You’re a fool to think you can defeat me.“Sayaka say as she start chargin charge at her,but as he got closer,she jump to the other side and run to where Yuu and Yuka went.

“Oh ball!”Kai say as he was about to start to be throw by Senjin,who was been thrown by Kizami…Double throw bitch.

Double throw? That’s not XCOM, baby!

“Hahahaha,in a matter of minute,they will be caught by her,now prepare to die.”Kizami say as he walk to them.

Oh no, our heroes are about to get killed by a secondary villain! Whatever shall we do?

“Um…No your not Kizami-san.”Say a girl look at the voice and reconize her.

“S-Sachiko!?”

Hooray, it’s the Deus Ex Machina come to the rescue! What will the Deus Ex Machina do?

He say as he reconize the red look at her and start walking her.”You must have a death wish,prepare to die.”Kizami day as he was about to attack her.

Only to be stuck when he step on her shadow.

“W-what!?”Kizami say as he was struggle to move his feet.

“Yeah…He gonna die.”Senjin say as he lower his as he predicted,her shadow rise up and stab him multiple time,and now lay on the ground,dead.

So Sachiko just lets him walk into her shadow…. And… Um… stabs him. With a pair of scissors. And that’s all she has to do.

Yeah, I’m not gonna question this either.

“Is he…Dead?”Shimada say as he look at the now dead kizami.

“Now…He can’t die easily,we need to get to the other,come on.”Senjin say as he took off running to where Yuu and Yuka headed.

**At Yuu and Yuka**

Ghostie, I would like to apologize. I swear, I didn’t know this fic had this many POV tags in it when I started snarking it!

“Wow,they can handle everything but they can’t handle two child?”Yuu say as he was able to active the ship from the hangar.

I know, right? It’s almost like you’re stuck in a terrible fanfiction written by someone who thinks with Rule of Cool more than with actual good storytelling sense!

“They are pretty weak to me.”Yuka say as they walk toward the ship.

Again with the walking towards a ship they’re already in, huh? Hm… I wonder how that—

Not before a acid hit near them.

And just where are you going young man.”A deep female voice look to see Yuu’s mother here.”What did you do to them?”Yuu say as he point the rifle at her,he was shaky his gun,he can’t kill her because he feel like he was hurting chuckle at this.”I just did something to keep them occupie.“She say with a smirk.

Yeah, and that worked about as well as—

**At Senjin and Kai**

Oh, come on, really? This is like watching a freaking tennis match! Good God, not even onlykafei changed POVs this often, and she was the queen of that bullshit!

They both running down the hallway with Sachiko in the lead.

“I’m think it this way.”She say as she enter the room where Yuu,Yuka and Sayaka.”Well that was easy.”Senjin say as he shot her as she was about to grab both seen them as they ran toward them.

You know, if I was trying to find any logic in this mess, I would say that this was an incredibly anticlimactic confrontation. But then again, the original twist came right the fuck out of nowhere, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the big confrontation between these two characters is glossed over.

“Yuu-Chan are you okay?”Senjin say as he saw Sayaka running away.”Y-yeah.”was all he could reply.

“Man,I feel bad for your mother Yuu,been kidnap by them and is something I hate more than people who are lost.”Kai say as they got on the ship.

Whoah, Kai, hang on a second! You hate people that are lost?

*BAM*

Good Jesus, dude, you’re a dick!

And why are you talking about going to a ship? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re already on a ship! And I highly doubt you’re taking the Skyranger back to XCOM considering that it was very firmly established that Senjin and Yuka had both been captured earlier.

Seriously, what ship are you taking out of there? Explain that, if you don’t mind!

“Yeah,but let hurry and get out of here,it seem we got company.”Senjin say as he look to see cyborg class sectoid headed straight to them.

*headdesk*

And now I’m starting to think this guy hasn’t played XCOM, either. I mean, seriously? There are a grand total of TWO units in XCOM that are called “sectoids”, author, and there is only ONE more if you add Enemy Within to the mix! There are so many other species there, and there are lots of other synthetic species. Like repair drones. Or cyberdiscs. Or sectopods. Or, arguably, floaters. So stop using “cyborg class sectoid”, because those don’t fucking exist with that name!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Let’s just keep going.

They took off,and they escape as the Sectoid try to shot down the ship.

“Whew,that was now what?”Yuu say as he look at the window.”Um…Guys…You might wanna prepare for an impact.”Sachiko say as she saw earth and with flame.

“Oh crap.”Was all Senjin say as the ship was burning up.

Minute later,they land…On the Ocean.

*headdesk*

I’ll be damned if I can tell you what the fuck just happened in this scene, the grammar is so absolutely terrible. I’m going to assume that the ship randomly immolated because reasons, the ship landed on the ocean because reasons, and that this whole story is stupid because it’s a terribly written piece that runs completely on Rule of Cool that is practically unreadable in some spots because the author doesn’t seem to realize you’re supposed to hit the space bar after using punctuation.

Anyway, let’s keep going.

***Location:Ocean Time:3:00 PM,Three day later***

“An alien SOS?”Zenka say as the ship reach to the objective.

Seem like it,but the driver is not a alien,it Senjin.”Ayumi say from the this,he smile.”Well,that one thing we going to find is it?”Zenka say as he saw…An ocean?

Ooooooooooooooh! Of course! They took a smaller ship from within the ship they were in and fled in that.

*headdesk*

Great planning, morons. Were you seriously planning on going back to XCOM HQ with that shit? You realize that the satellites you spend most of the game setting up over various countries are hard-wired to scan for alien ships, right? So what was your brilliant plan? Take the ship, get back to the XCOM base, and hope they don’t shoot you on sight if you can even manage to get close enough to hail them? Yeah, have fun not getting shot down on sight because they won’t ever assume there are humans inside an alien craft!

*headdesk*

He’s at underwater at the location you’re I found out he with other human.“She say to Zenka,

Wait, so he’s underwater at the location where you found out he was with the other humans? Um… Pray tell, how do you plan on filling these people in on where your flight plan passed?

who frown at this.”Of course,and you sent only me to get him.”Zenka say as he feel pretty loney in the ship.”Don’t worrie,I’m with you Zenka.”Denka say as he piloting the ship.

*headdesk*

Zenka and Denka? Okay, is this author smoking pot or something? ‘Cause that kind of naming…

They’re Hylian, aren’t they?

“Yeah,yeah,yeah I get deep it is?”Zenka say as he open the hatch.

And his eye widen at the view.

“Really?Well,this will make thing easier.”Zenka say as he jump to the water,with his helmet on.

And he just jumped into the water from [error: not found] feet above the water. Because we all love to make suicidal jumps into the drink, don’t we?

**A few minute later**

“Wow,now that a ship.”Say Zenka as he found open the door and then came out Senjin with his helmet on.

So you opened the door… underwater.

Congratulations, Hylian: you have now probably seriously injured, if not killed, some of the people inside. You know, the people inside who are likely completely unprepared for your sudden entry because nobody bothered to attempt opening a comms channel to say “hey, we’re here, get ready to get extracted”. And then, you know, underwater pressure is also a problem and all that. So have fun with that.

“Ohayo Zenka-san!”Senjin say.

*headdesk*

Ghostie, just… Please take care of this. I don’t want to touch that with a ten-foot pole, ‘cause I know I’ll have an aneurism if I try.

“Yeah,yeah,let get you and the civilian out of here.”Zenka say as he saw other coming eye widen as he saw yuka.”Yuka?What happened to you?”Zenka say but his eye was widen into a dinner plate as he saw Yuu.

“Great Scott!Senjin,where the mother load were you when you got capture!?”Zenka say as he remember Yuu’s apearence since Seiko show them the photo.[/quote]

*applies eye drops*

There there, Herr, just a little more to go. You’re in the home stretch…

“You know me?”Yuu say,actually,he was the only one who is not wearing aquatic gear and he still breathing.”

*headdesk*

I know that an alien ship probably isn’t equipped with aquatic gear for humans and all that, but really, that’s why these people should’ve actually planned before they made the attempt at extraction. And how the fuck is he still breathing in what I assume is supposed to be an underwater environment? I’d love to know that, fic, considering that you still haven’t explained what the fuck Yuu is capable of yet!

Just your name and the photo.”Zenka say as he put on the com-link.”Guy,can you hear me?We got a great news.”Zenka say.

Hm?And that would be?“It was Denka as I got multi-com-link active.”What if I tell you that Senjin found Yuu?”Zenka say,like to hear to the reaction.”BULLSHIT!“Okay that was both Yoshiki and Satoshi.

Wait, so Yoshiki and Satoshi are both onboard the Sky Ranger? Gee, wouldn’t that have been nice to know at the start of the scene instead of finding out halfway through!?

Yeah…She gonna be happy.“Axel say as Zenka hear a door opening.”WHAT!?“Naomi say,totaly freaking out.”Senjin-kun found…My little bro,then hold on!I’m coming!“He hear a hell of a running as Seiko went to…Wow.

*headdesk*

Author, don’t try to start breaking the fourth wall in narration. Your story already sucks without your completely misguided attempt to inject life into that which was already dead to begin with.

“Yeah,yeah,I hear ya,now going for the extraction point and th-“”Kid,we got company,The human lizar,Kizami,and a bitch load of Sectoid are coming into the ocean,and shooting at mah ship.”There was a long silence before a explosion occurd and a ship entering the ocean.

“…WE NEED REINFORCEMENT!”Zenka shout as they saw a space ship.

*headdesk*

Yep, it’s official: this author never actually played either source material, and if he did he probably had the attention span of a six year old. Seriously, dude, Terror From the Deep was an expansion of original XCOM, not the reboot! How do you mix those two up?

And wait, Sayaka and Kizami are both still alive? But the narration said they were dead! How the fuck did they come back to life? I… what!?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

I just… please tell me this fic is over.

***To be continue***

Next episode:Aquatic Sectoid and Yuu’s mutanic power.

Oh thank God. I don’t know how much more of this story I would’ve been able to take, so I’m just glad it’s over.

Wow. I just… Good god, that was bad. The story was stupid enough, but that fucking grammar, dude… Ugh, someone needs to have a remedial class on how to use space bars and shit, ‘cause that was just downright painful for my eyes

Aaagh…

Well, at this rate, I think I’ll take on another short fic before moving on to my next longer project. And what is this said “longer project”? Well, you’ll have to find out.

For now, we’ve got stuff to go to next week. And let me tell you guys; it’s a doozy. So I’m going to go outside for a second, and I’m gonna grab a breath of fresh air before I do it, ‘cause trust me, it’s bad.

And also, bring extra headdesking pillows. For those of you 90’s kids who grew up with Disney, you’re gonna need them for the childhood rape that’s about to ensue…

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33 Comments on “916: X-Com:The Kisaragi Squad – Chapter Three”

  1. You know, just putting down random gibberish and passing it off as a language is about the fastest way to turn a reader off. I mean… seriously, when your language has no fucking spaces between anything like that, then it’s clear there was absolutely no thought put into them.

    Actually … Japanese is what’s called an agglutinative language; affixes (like prefixes and suffixes) are added on to “core” forms of words to change their meaning so “words” can get pretty long. For example, “tabe” is the dictionary form for “eat” but you would never just say it like that, you would say something like “tabetai” (I want to eat) or “tabetakunai” (I don’t want to eat). When written using kanji and kana there are very few spaces (if any) used so it looks like big chunks of writing.

    I noticed it in the last chapter, the gibberish – “Hyshagatanotehiro,yenakenodoresa“ – looks like faux Japanese; it contains mostly Japanese syllables but doesn’t really make sense when you try to translate them.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, Ghostie, it’s because the random syllables don’t mean anything except “here’s my attempt to be all Japanese without putting any work in it”. It just looks like there was no regard for any kind of grammar rules when “inventing” this “language”. Even if you crib off of an existing language, you have to have something to make it look like you know how things work, am I right?

      Never mind, too, that the aliens in XCOM don’t actually speak through those kinds of syllables in the first place. From what we can gather, the only aliens that are likely intelligent enough to make those kinds of sounds are the ethereals themselves. Everyone else kind of just goes about it with more guttural sounds, with the implication that they’re more often than not just following orders from a higher source.

      • Oh, I agree. I was just pointing out that the lack of spaces doesn’t in and of itself make it look fake. The lack of any kind of structure does that job just fine.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It could be worse, I guess. It could be that fucking Tiberian language from FAW…

      • infinity421 says:

        Alk’drn.
        Christ, it’s like if someone tried to fit a spaceship through one of the holes in Enigma of Amigara Fault.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        *snerk*

        Okay, Ert needs to use that at some point in the remainder of his FAW snarking. I don’t know if he wants to know the reference, but goddammit, I’m making him use it if it’s the last thing I do!

  2. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    **Earlier at the same time**

    But but but if it was earlier, how can it be the samesamesamesame-

    SuperFeatherYoshi.exe has encountered a critical error.

  3. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Yuka say as they enter the room was full of ship

    So… It looks like this?http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120330132002/masseffect/images/2/27/Model_Ships_.png

  4. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Actually, TFTD was a sequel, not expansion. Your point still stands: It has nothing to do with new XCOM. Also, XCOM satellites are modified to detect the gravity wave distortions generated by alien crafts. So yeah, they are just going to shoot you down and skip the “asking question” part.

  5. infinity421 says:

    Okay, I’m done with the comparison I mentioned on the latest FAW riff. Posting a link to it here.

    http://pastebin.com/GjYbyCTU

    …I just hope this isn’t too embarassing…

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Eh, dude, it’s not too embarrasing.

      Just a note: FAW has an Ashley romance, so… Just be mindful of that.

      • infinity421 says:

        Oh, jeez, not Ashley romances…

        Funny story, Ashley was the first romance I did in ME and I did it by accident because even though I wasn’t aiming for it I must have triggered one too many flags.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I actually don’t mind Ashley romances. It’s just that, as with all things EP, he fucked it up rather spectacularly…

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        Precursor humanity sounds like proto-culture to me…

    • I like the Siphon concept, the idea of the Big Bad being many smaller bads is pretty good.

      • The “voluntary conscription” process, where the government gradually reduces your access to luxuries, is good; maybe add in a feature where there are certain goods and services that are only available to active military.

  6. leobracer says:

    I know that this is a few days late, but I made the horrible mistake of looking up Jasmine Cumslut on google.

    Now I wish I never did.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yep. Yep.

      Woe upon thee right now…

      • leobracer says:

        Should I expect a rant coming from you about the Disney Adaptation of Aladdin?

        Because I looked up the original story a long time ago, and it was VERY different than what was in the movie.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Nah, ’cause in all honesty, Jasmine Cumslut has almost nothing to do with Disney’s Aladdin, anyway.

        No, the rant I actually get into is for something much more serious…

  7. TacoMagic says:

    **Earlier at the same time**

    *Facepalm*

    Author, when I do that, it’s a joke. Don’t copy it for your actual fic.

  8. TacoMagic says:

    They spot ten sectoid,who spot them and start shooting them,who took aim at the sectoid’s head and fire,headshot right ,aim and fire at the chest,it got throught and unknowing it,kill the other three behind them.

    I keep thinking I’ve found the absolute worst action scene, and then I read something like this. IS THERE NO BOTTOM TO THIS WRETCHED PIT OF SUCK!?

  9. TacoMagic says:

    ”I just did something to keep them occupie.“She say with a smirk.

    Hmm, how do I gong something on a starship that’s in orbit?

    DARKWRAITHS!

    *Darkwraiths appear*

    A smirk has been spotted flying in high orbit over North America. I want you to suit up for an assault of its base. Take the new particle gong launchers.

  10. TacoMagic says:

    They’re Hylian, aren’t they?

    FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

  11. AxelTheMoon says:

    Oh god…. It’s is…. HILARIOUS!!! Check the crossover of Corpse Party and X-com please, and please check the corpse party fanfict, its lack of them.


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