915: Life with Raptors – Chapter FourPosted: December 24, 2014
Happy generic catch-all holiday, patrons! And, for anyone without a Winter Festival or some variation, happy Wednesday. With me again this week as my expert on dinosaurs is Eliza.
“That’s very inclusive of you. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
Well, you all caught me in a rare good mood.
“I’m sure we can get that fixed right up with another dose of Life with Raptors.”
Ugh. I think it’s working already. I can feel the pessimism oozing into my bones.
“See, you’ll be back to normal in no time!”
So, last time we were treated to a very brief and poorly done plot regurgitation of basically the first half of the movie. It was pretty much unchanged aside from May-Sue’s presence. Luckily, the raptors showed up just in time to remove her and prevent her presence from despoiling the rest of the canon. Well, we can hope, anyway.
This week, we open with another of the author’s over-exuberant author’s notes.
(I want to thank the fans for adding my story to their favorites, plus all the reviews I got in a short time. YOU GUYS ROCK!
“This fic has fans!?”
So did Raptor and I.
“You monkeys have messed-up standards.”
Plus, I realize that Dr. Sattler was also named Ellie, but you know how it goes. Too lazy! :D)
If you’re too lazy to actually fix these rather glaring problems with your story, don’t write it. Simple as that.
“I wouldn’t say that having two characters named the same thing is a glaring problem.”
Trust me, it is. While having the same name as somebody else is easy enough to work around in real life through nicknames, context, and body language, it’s a lot harder within a body of written work. It is generally much better to just make sure everyone has different names. As the author you can control that and avoid confusion through that very innocuous coincidence of unique naming. I’m not saying that having two people with the same name can’t be done in written fiction, but unless there is a compelling reason, it should be avoided due to the possibility it will cause confusion.
However, I’m willing to cut the author some slack here. Likely we’ll never see any of the canon cast again after they leave the island, which should be rather soon. So, Ellie and Dr. Sattler having the same first name is unlikely to cause confusion in this case.
“Then why would she bring it up as something she should fix but is too lazy to do so?”
She was probably too lazy to come up with a good defense of her choice in naming. Saying “it’s a problem, but I’m lazy” is way easier than either fixing it or coming up with a well reasoned defense.
*Eliza tosses glittery confetti into the air*
I woke up the next morning, groggy and aching. Wait…I woke up? That means I’m not being digested in T-Rex stomach acids, that’s a good start!
Such good narrative. No idea why we’re even doing this fic.
“Don’t be snide, dude.”
Hey, I can be snide if I want to!
“I’m worried that the author will take you seriously.”
WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
Now, where am I?
“We’ve been asking that since chapter one. Maybe if there was some setting, you could figure it out.”
I looked around, there were a few fresh nests built, just two, but when I looked down, I was also in one.
This is probably the reason why we said it was so important that you tell somebody about the males. Just saying.
It was obvious the dinosaurs were starting to make the Island into their habitat.
“Oh, hun, the island was already their habitat. Hammond picked the island specifically because it would make such good dinosaur habitat.”
But I had to wonder, who or what saved me? And why am I in a nest?
Valid questions, I’ll give her that.
I got an answer when I heard a coo next to me. I slowly turned my head, and I was face to face with a velociraptor. I screamed and covered my head with my arms, but nothing happened.
“We tend to have that effect on people.”
Mostly because you like to hover over people while they sleep.
I looked back up, and I recognized the raptor as the female I had saved from choking.
“That being the case, I’d think twice about accepting the regurgitated meal she’s probably got ready for you.”
“Oh.” I said as I stopped protecting my head. I then proceeded to pet the female’s neck, and, if possible, she seemed to have a look of content.
Then the pain in my head finally registered from whatever hit me.
Finally May-Sue’s hopelessly slow synapses snap into action!
I lightly touched it and felt a bump there. Oh well, it would go away soon.
“Well, that was underwhelming and pointless.”
That’s the motto of this fic.
I started to think.
We have our doubts.
“Ok. The female I helped is here, probably guarding these nests. If those five raptors formed a pack, where are the other four? And how am I going to get rescued?”
Wait, why does a pack of three males and two females have three nests?
“Raptors are ancestors of the birds of paradise. Males make the nests.”
I can never tell when you guys are lying to me about raptor facts.
But, as if on cue, the other four returned.
What do you mean ‘as if?’ Dude, you basically said, ‘Hey, where are they?’ and they immediately showed up. That’s called a cue. And those raptors arrived all over it.
The female got up and hurried over to the nest where the beta male was, and laid down with him, and I noticed the subordinate male and female sitting at the other nest, which meant…I was in the alpha’s nest!
Still, not the way a pack works. But, I guess you were right. The males must make the nests.
“Told you. Have you not seen Crunchy’s nest?”
HE HAS A NEST!?
“Yeah, it’s mostly made out of bones and metal wreckage from DRD assults.”
I’m not so sure I want to see it now.
“It’s worth it. He’s got a fully stocked bar in the basement.”
His nest has a basement!?
“A finished basement.”
I started to sweat, as I probably looked and smelled different with the cuts and bruises and mud on me.
“The sweating isn’t going to be doing you any favors, either.”
He sniffed me, trying to confirm my scent, and I didn’t think he would be able to. I was wrong.
If you were actually worried he wouldn’t be able to recognize your scent, then it’s just further evidence that you don’t know the first thing about animals, let alone land-bound predators. Good thing you were hired on as a junior veterinarian.
After a while of sniffing me. He cooed and lay down next to me, looking up at me with those jewel like amber eyes…I couldn’t help but think that he was feeling guilty for me being scraped up in the T-Rex attack.
“Probably more guilty about the kidnapping.”
Him having any guilt about kidnapping her is probably giving him more credit than he deserves.
*Eliza throws more confetti*
Dude, you’re getting glitter all over the keyboards.
I looked down at my sleeping human, beautiful even when sleeping, and especially when she was illuminated by the moon light.
Uhh, when is this?
“Either the night before or the night following. Depends on how unstuck in time you think this fic is.”
I’m not even going to try to guess. Hopefully the author will at least try to clue us in on the chronology. Full-on setting would be better, but I’ll take what I can get.
“Finally, we’re out of that cramped box!” Lily said with content as she stretched her arms and legs.
So… probably the night before?
“Too early to call, I think.”
“Yep, no more walking around in circles, we have a new life.” Austin said as he made himself comfortable in his nest, Ellie laying down by him.
The best way to show us the Raptor’s exuberance at their new freedom was totally a scene with them talking about it while laying down not doing anything. I cannot possibly think of any way to better show this to the audience. Really.
“Don’t forget why you shouldn’t be snide!”
CRAP! Author, I was kidding!
“Guys, get some rest, tomorrow, we need to go catch some food and mark the boundaries to our territory.” I said.
“So, you know, make sure you all drink plenty of water.”
Everyone nodded and we were fast asleep.
Great, another fic with constant sleeping scenes. I’ll have to get Swenia in here as our nap expert if this keeps up.
We woke up early the next morning, just as the sun was coming up. And prepared.
“We have Gatorade, comfortable shoes, and a no breeze. Let’s mark some trees!”
“Ellie, you guard the nests while the rest of us scout out food and mark the territory. Everyone else, follow me.” I said before jogging off, the others following.
“Bye, character blob. Good luck peeing on trees!”
We had no troubled marking our territory, that was easy.
Finally, a time I’m happy that an author doesn’t describe something.
Catching lunch, that wasn’t quite so easy.
You mean the lunch that’s never been hunted before and wouldn’t know how to evade predators? Yeah, I’m sure that was a big challenge.
“More of a challenge to a predator that’s always had their food catered in.”
Hmm, fair enough.
We had found a herd of yellow colored dinosaurs, they had long necks, short arms, two long legs, and they grazed off the thin ferns.
Hey look, a description! Kinda generic, though. That narrows it down to some kind of herbivorous Therapod or bipedal Ornithischia. If I had to make a guess, I’d say there were a breed Hadrosauroid because they’re kind of the generic prey dinosaur in a lot of fiction.
“They seem fast, we’ll have to do an ambush maneuver. Austin, Max, find a place near the herd to ambush it, Lily and I will drive it toward you and you two have to grab one.” I said. Max and Austin nodded and stalked to the closest positions they could.
“This will get embarrassing rather quickly if the prey dinosaurs don’t know that they are supposed to run from the raptors.”
Or if these prey dinosaurs are significantly larger than the raptors. Their relative size was never mentioned, so they may just try to squish the raptors who jump out at them.
“Ready? N-!” I was cut off when not too far away, the big dinosaur from before burst out of the trees and at the yellow herbivores.
*Gumdrop smashes into the room furiously waving a ‘T-Rex 4-Ever’ foam finger.*
You told him?
They took off quickly, and the dinosaur hurried to its own ambush point.
… wha? There are a lot of dinosaurs here, none of which would really have much use for an ambush now that it’s already been sprung. What is going on here, author?
Austin and Max launched their attack, but they did nothing but turn the herd, which ran right into the large dinosaur’s trap,
I’m sorry, what? What trap? The T-Rex just sprang out of the forest at them. That’s not a trap.
“I think the T-rex laid down some mines or something. Maybe an elaborate pit-trap lined with spikes?”
*Gumdrop furiously waves his foam finger while jumping up and down*
Don’t get the poor guy’s hopes up.
“That didn’t work.” Lily said bluntly.
After regrouping, we started our way back to the nest, deciding to try to hunt later.
If at first you don’t succeed, say, “fuck it,” and go home.
“I think the T-Rex scene is over, big guy. Don’t worry, it’s implied that she got the kill.”
*Gumdrop stomps happily out of the room*
As we returned, I could see my human up and about.
Question for you, author: Why did you time-squiggle backwards to show us that? Why was is important to show us the scene of May waking up first and then this scene?
If you can’t answer that question, then you might have a clue as to why I think it was completely unnecessary to rewind time.
I smiled, but first I sniffed her, trying to identify the brown stuff that was dry and flaky, and a purple thing on her head.
I’m assuming the dry, flaky stuff is mud, though I’m surprised he didn’t know what it was. The purple thing, well, I got nothing. Maybe a hat or something?
See, author, this is what happens when you refuse to describe anything. Nobody in the audience has any clue what is going on.
It occurred to me that she was hurt and covered in mud, which had just dried.
That thought took a looooooong time to form.
I whimpered and lay down next to her, staring at her with a guilty look.
“I still cannot fathom why he’s guilty about her injury. Did he drag her by her legs through the forest and cause most of the damage?”
I guess we’re destined never to find out why he’s guilty.
*Eliza throws more confetti*
Bleh, had my mouth open that time.
“It’s not your fault.” I said to him, as if he could understand me, and pet him on the neck. He actually seemed to understand and regained confidence.
“To what are we referring? The T-Rex attack, or the kidnapping?”
Probably the T-Rex attack, since the kidnapping was entirely his fault.
“I’d say it was quite obvious that Seth had nothing to do with the attack, and yet, masterminding a T-Rex attack just so he can look a hero would be well within the power of most Gary Stu raptors.”
I think that’s given him a lot more credit than deserved. Remember, his grand escape plan was ‘grab the metal tube and pull.’
I then proceeded to look myself over. “I need a shower.” I said, the alpha just cocked his head at me.
I then stood up and started to look for a water source, preferably a natural shower faucet. A.K.A: A waterfall.
ARRRGGGHHH! THE PROSE! IT BURNS US!
*Taco melts into a puddle of goo*
I got lucky when I came to a river not too far from the pack’s territory, with a waterfall giving it fresh, clean water.
Yeah, that’s not how clean water works. Just because water falls a few dozen feet doesn’t make it clean. But, if May here is a city kid, I could see how she could make that mistake. I see much diarrhea in her future.
But I needed more stuff, soap, shampoo, and a rag at least would be nice.
“I would bet on the ‘city kid’ thing.”
Yeah, you haven’t lived until you’ve scrubbed yourself down with moss while flailing around in water that’s just above freezing.
“You make it sound so nice.”
I knew one place, but it was risky. Worth it? Yes.
Uh… wha? If you know where you are enough to find bathing accouterments, why are you worried about bathing in the river? Shouldn’t your priority be getting back to base to report in?
I hurried to where the employees stayed, and found my room.
“But… she didn’t know where she was at the beginning of the chapter. How did she find her room? And why did she assume going back to base was risky!?”
WHY ISN’T SHE CHECKING IN WITH SOMEBODY!?
I started to scavenge through things I would need. Knife, gun, ammo, shampoo, soap, washrag, clothes, some human food, and a bag to keep it all in.
Oh for the love of fuck!
Author, just because YOU know that the humans have fled the island doesn’t mean that May does.
“Actually, the humans haven’t fled the island yet. Well, not all of them. The chopper that takes the main cast off the island doesn’t leave until near sundown on the second day.”
Seriously, author, what the hell were you thinking!? Even Raptor and I set up Rae getting stranded better than this! Sure, it was stupid and contrived, but at least it appeared that Zinc was trying to validate the setup. Here, we have May getting attacked by a T-Rex, waking up the next day with the raptors, and just assuming that she’s going to have to live among the raptors forever. Plus, there is a working radio in her room! She used it several times already, why is she not even bothering to see if anyone is still out there?
Even beyond all that, WHY IS SHE PLANNING ON LEAVING HER ROOM BEHIND!? And even if she wanted a better place to bunker in, she’s got that! There’s a big command center over that way. *points* She should not be packing up to live with the raptors at this point!
“Well, actually, in the movie and book the command center is overrun with raptors and the T-Rex. So it’s not actually very safe.”
She’s friends with the raptors in this case, and there are lots of places in the command center where the T-Rex just wouldn’t fit.
“You’re right, this doesn’t make any sense.”
I tried to see if the shower ran. It didn’t.
Man, on top of everything else the plumbing failed too?
“Poor girl can’t catch a break.”
I sighed and was about to leave my room when I came face to face with a greenish raptor, it wasn’t any raptor I knew.
“Which doesn’t make any sense. There was only one raptor enclosure in the movie, and May was intimately familiar with it.”
Please don’t use the word “intimately” while we’re reading a Raptor and I clone.
Wait, did she not close the door behind her?
“It’s like she’s trying to get eaten.”
And about to succeed by the looks of it.
“Help!” I yelled as I just managed to get out of the way of it leaping at me.
The author is very not good at action scene.
It landed on my bed and I hurried out of my room and out of the employee bunks.
“You forgot to tuck her in!”
Poor raptor is going to wake up cold in the middle of the night.
Being pursued by the much faster reptile.
Maybe you should, I don’t know, CLOSE SOME FUCKING DOORS!?
Sure, canon is that raptors learn to open doors, but May doesn’t know that. And even so, by what is seen in the movie it takes a raptor a lot more time to open a door than it does a human. A few doors between you and the raptor would probably slow it down enough to escape. Especially if you locked one of them.
I lucked out when I tripped on a tree root, and I thought I was done for as the raptor leapt at me. Only to be saved by the alpha from the pack I knew.
Okay, I know what you were trying to do, author. You wanted to pull a “luckily trips and is saved because there was something coming right at her” kinda thing (there’s apparently not a trope for it, which is strange because it is a thing). The problem is, that’s not what you wrote. Not even close. What you wrote is that she trips, is almost killed while she’s floundering on the ground, and is saved by Seth showing up. It was not lucky for her in the slightest that she tripped.
Seriously, where are you getting all that?
“Gumdrop let me borrow a bunch from his stash.”
I was glad that I wasn’t blamed by my human for her being hurt.
“Why was that even in question? You were there during the T-Rex attack.”
But she said something about a…shower, and I cocked my head in confusion. But she started to head off. So I followed.
Aww, following behind her just like a d-
“I wouldn’t finish that sentence.”
Yeah, I don’t think I’ll finish it.
We came to a river, and she seemed to be thinking, then she hurried off towards the human caves.
“Which Seth wouldn’t know about because he’s been free from his enclosure for less than a day and all of that time is accounted for with saving May, sleeping, and going on their inept hunt.”
I have a feeling this author would really suck at maintaining a player/character knowledge barrier in D&D.
I hurried after her, but she disappeared.
Did you replace May with one of the ninja?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I started to search frantically, letting an enemy get past me and follow my human.
Wha? If you know there’s another raptor there, likely doing the smart thing and using smell to track the muddy, sweaty human, why not just follow him? You already know he’s following May since you just said as much.
I lay down in some bushes and trees, waiting for my human. Then, I heard a scream, and a raptor screech.
“When in doubt, wait for the situation to become really bad before doing anything useful.”
This guy has been taking lessons from Stupard.
My human came out of the human caves, being followed by one of the three large, aggressive female raptors from the other pack.
Ah yes, the other pack. The other pack that you know about because…?
Ahh yes, how silly of me to forget.
I growled as my human tripped, and as the other raptor was about to kill her.
Raptors are bird precursors. It is highly unlikely that they growled.
I leapt out and knocked it away.
I had it pinned under me, but it kept struggling and I couldn’t get a bite in. I was eventually thrown off and we started to size each other up.
“Still very bad at action scene.”
Author, can you show us some of this, maybe?
“What’s the meaning of attacking me when I’m about to catch my lunch?”Growled the other raptor.
Not only that, she almost removed a Mary Sue from a fic. She’s doing the work of the gods!
“She’s not your lunch, she’s my human!” I snarled as I leapt at the other raptor again.
“No matter how many times you say that, Seth, it still sounds stupid and creepy.”
I managed to bite her back, but she landed a blow on my face with her hand before I was able to overwhelm her.
Ye-gods, author. Can you please go read some books and learn how to action? This is painfully dull and daybook. And you’re showing almost nothing. It’s as bad as listening to a 13-year-old talk about pro-wrestling.
“And then the guy punched him in the face, and he fell down, but he was just pretending to be hurt and when the guy bounced off the ropes and tried to land on him he rolled over and the guy hurt himself so he stomped on the guy’s neck, but the guy swept his legs out from under him and they both got up and then grabbed each other’s shoulders-”
She hissed and ran away, and that would be the last time she would be seen.
Really, author? Really? That passive and strangely prophetic mess is how you want to end the fight?
Of course, I didn’t win the fight without a cost.
“Could have fooled me.”
Apparently he did.
My arm would take about a week to heal.
Wow, look at all that generic damage the green raptor did to his arm!
“Yes, that will take a whole week to heal!”
Oh, so it’s like a mild bruise, then?
“I guess. That’s the only thing likely to heal in a week.”
I turned to my human and helped her up, cooing sadly at her experiences in the last few hours.
Yeah, getting kidnapped by raptors sucks.
“More so for the raptors than anyone else.”
She was panting heavily, probably from adrenaline.
“Or from running at top speed.”
Funny how that works.
I couldn’t blame her.
“Why would you blame her?”
But as soon as she was back on her feet, she did something I didn’t expect.
She turned in a pair of pink galoshes and flew around the island raining donuts on everyone!?
“Decked him with a comically over-sized polo mallet and started eating his intestines!?”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into some sort of embrace.
Reality is so much more disappointing.
“What’s with the author and all this wishy-washy ‘sort of’ stuff. There’s nothing ‘sort of’ about it. She has her arms around him, ergo: embrace!”
I took it as the human way of saying thank you.
“I’d probably have translated it as, ‘Please eat me.'”
Remind me not to hug you.
It was both strange and wonderful at the same time.
Like underwear dipped in vanilla pudding.
How big is Gumdrop’s stash anyway?
“He’s got a replica of Scrooge’s money bin full of the stuff.”
Just as my life began to flash before my eyes, I heard raptor screeching.
Pretty sure you were hearing raptor screeching already. The narrative even said that the raptor started screeching long before you got jumped.
I slowly opened my eyes to see the alpha fighting the raptor that tried to kill me.
“Ahh yes, the wonderful tradition of showing us the same scene twice without any new information lives on.”
I couldn’t believe he was doing all this for me.
Well, that’s because the premise of the fic is ridiculous to the point of idiocy.
“It’s rather telling when the characters in the fic itself can’t even suspend belief enough to buy into the plot.”
Why was he? Was it from all the times I took care of him? Or the carnivore treats?
Naww, you think?
I’d probably never know.
Don’t worry about it. We’ll never care.
It was then that my heart sank. The female raptor got a blow in on the alpha’s face, and as he was recuperating. The green female bit pinned him and stepped on his arm. I could FEEL the crack that resonated from his broken bone.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. WHOA! He broke his arm and he thinks it’ll only take a week to heal?
“Didn’t he already break that arm once?”
It was a leg.
Author, you really, really need to do some fucking research. Broken primary bones do NOT heal in a week. Or even two. They take around 6-10 weeks to heal. Longer if it’s a compound fracture or there are complications. For fuck’s sake, this raptor should still be in a cast from his last broken bone!
The alpha then managed to throw her off and bit her back, then lashed out with those infamous killer claws, and slashed her side with them.
Gods these action scenes are so clunky and awkward that they’re almost painful to read. I don’t even know where to start to go about suggesting fixes because the writing is just so fundamentally wrong. At the very least you need to tone down your flavor words when doing action.
The green female screeched and ran quickly.
“No direction, just running.”
At least she’s going nowhere fast.
The alpha then came over and helped me back up to my feet
and if anything, I may have overreacted by hugging my savior, but I had no treats, next best thing.
“No, it’s not.”
Yeah, made that mistake with Crunchy. It’s an error you only make once.
(Yeah…Ok, next chapter soon to be up!)
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THAT AUTHOR’S NOTE!? Author’s notes are terrible enough when they’re actually pertinent, but this is just asinine!
*Eliza chloroforms Taco and he drops to the ground*
“That should keep you calm for a bit. Anyway, that’s it for this week, patrons! Tune in next week when-”
*Eliza flips to the next chapter and skims it*
“-the author makes it obvious that she’s not nearly mature enough to be writing this fic.”