914: From Another World – EP’s Bitching & Chapter 40

Title: From Another World
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect / Parallel Realities
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL: EP’s Bitching & Chapter 40
Critiqued by Erttheking

S: You! You’ve got some nerve showing your face here!

M: I’m sorry, who are you supposed to be again? I think I heard your name once, but I can’t particularly recall it. It was rather stupid.

S: You son of a bitch! If you can’t even remember my name then just remember this! John Shepard! NOW DIE! *Tackles Manus through a wall*

N: Shit! Ert, we’re gonna try and take him, but if we can’t we’ve reached a situation high enough to warrant use of the Red Ring. We call for help, you put the thing on. Got it?

E: Kick his ass!

C: Read my mind! Come on Nora, let’s shatter that damn ring of his! *Both exit*

E: Looks like this is gonna be a solo one. Well, we start off not with a chapter, but with an author’s note from EP.

Ok guys I just want to say that due to collage the next chap will be delayed. This is partly due to my aspergus syndrome (have a bad habit of being distracted)

E: I’d criticize him for this, then I remember I only have 2,000 words for my next chapter done and I have updated in other a month. Kinda sad.

and the fact that my collage course is level 3. DO NOT SAY THAT IT IS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE IT IS! I’m in collage three and a half days a week and don’t get me started on the homework. And that’s not mentioning my work experience and night class.

E: Ok, here’s the thing though. I’m gonna own up and say that the reason I don’t update as much as I could is because I goof off. I run off and do things I rather do (I have way too many SMT games on my backlog) but I still force myself to sit down every once in awhile and write. And you know what? I work twenty hours a week, I have four days at college a week as well, sometimes five a week and I while I don’t update my stories regularly, I still manage to get these up on a weekly basis, minus last week when I had to call out because I was staying up till three in the morning writing a paper. So…shut it

This and also I’m planning to play ME3 again while taking down notes. This will help me to get the details and find the perfect places to add my content. I will also add one or two N7 missions and change a few parts of the story missions.

E: Oh…Christ. When we finally get to ME3 he is absolutely fucking awful with this. He felt it necessary to include every single firefight from the Mars mission. EVERY! SINGLE! ONE! For those of you who haven’t played Mass Effect, there are a LOT of firefights in that mission, so 80% of the chapter is variations on how Shepard and co kill Cerberus soldier #9281

The is one note that I would like to add. Herr told me that there are a few unanswered questions in the end.

E: THAT’S A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT!

However due to my limited understanding of certain things I cannot recognize these questions so sorry.

E: Limited understanding of the English language and basic plot structure probably.

The final thing is like any good gamer I hate the ME3 ending and I will change it. But it will take time so please bare with me.

E: I imagine his plan goes something like this.

E: And now, the next *Bang* Nora, Cornelia? You ok?

C: That wasn’t us! Shepard he uh…Manus threw him through three floors.

N: He’s just wailing on Stupard. Oh Christ that looks like a nasty hit.

E: Hopefully they’ll wear each other out. Keep me posted.

N: If we’re lucky Manus will be slightly winded after he’s done using Shepard as a punching bag. But ok, we’ll let you know if anything happens.

Sorry I would have got this out sooner but I recently acquired my uncles copy of the dead space trilogy and ps3 with a few of it’s famous games.

E: So much for Aspergers and College. At least I admit I spend time I could be writing sitting on my ass playing video games.

Chapter 40 The Reaper Invasion.

Admiral’s Hackett looked over the fifth fleet, his fleet. Ready for anything but his bones where telling him something big was coming.

E: The fleet was ready for anything but his bones? Uh. Are you expecting them to invade at any second? Anderson and Hackett talk about shit is going down and how the Reapers are on their way to fuck Earth over before we cut to Shepard.

Shepard looked out of his apartment’s room watching a kid around 8 years old playing with a toy of an alliance fighter. The kid didn’t notice John as he played but the fact was he was enjoying his youth. Or maybe he couldn’t see him as he was behind tinted glass. Ether way Shepard just watched the boy playing.

E: YOU! *Loads sniper rifle* FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU RUINED THE FRANCHISE!

G: HEY! Is someone playing snipe children without me?

E:…*Throws sniper rifle away*

The nostalgia hit him hard as he remembered parts of his childhood being like that but the rest torn away from him by the infection. Those images still haunted him whether he liked it or not. The last few months however where tourcher for him and Ash. Due to the fact that they both got kicked out of the alliance and pending trail. Ash took the brunt of that as her family was dedicated to be with the alliance.

E: Yeah, slight note to be made here. For a brief time I was EP’s beta reader, long story short it was part of a desperate attempt that I was making to try and teach him how not to suck. And guess what? When I pointed out the countless plot holes in this chapter, he threw weak ass excuses at me and then brought up the situation I mentioned last time about him wanting me to do his job for him. Anyway, the brain trust thought that Ashley would still be in the Alliance after abandoning her position and then dropping off the face of the galaxy for nearly a week. I had to point out that that was a fucking stupid idea. And even then he didn’t change THAT much of the chapter, taking the path of the least resistance. I’d bring up the chat log but for some fucking reason I can’t even access the messages EP sent me after he threw a temper tantrum and blocked me on FF.net. End point is that he couldn’t even figure out that something like desertion would result in negative consequences until I held his hand and pointed it out to him.

When her family heard her mother was not too pleased but understood the reasons as did Lynn. But Sarah and Abbey on the other hand knew the true reasons why.

E: So do Lynn and her mom know the reasons or not?

However when the trail was about to begin something happened to a Batarian system that halted their trail. Now they where only kept around in case it was the reapers.

As a alliance Kodak flew by Shepard smiled and gently moved way from the window as he tapped a few times on a OSD. At that moment an alliance marine walked in. the marine only wore a shirt and trousers allowing him to show his mussels.

As he entered he saluted.

“Commander.” he said.

“Your not supposed to call me that any more James.” John said as he turned around.

E: Great. Shepard is on first name basis with James Vega even though this is the first time he’s been seen in this story. In fact, this entire scene is just jumping to the beginning of ME3 without connecting it to the last chapter at all. EP just doesn’t fucking care. But we knew this already didn’t we? Remember. Alk’drn. Anyway, there’s a lot of boring filler dialogue lifted from the game, so let’s skip a good chunk of that until we get to Anderson talking about why the Alliance still isn’t buying that the Reapers are real

“There just scared.” Anderson defended. “None of them have seen what you have seen. You faced down a Reaper. Hell you even talked to one then blew the damn thing up. You’ve seen how they harvest us, what they plan to do to us. You know more about this than anyone.”

“Is that why they grounded me and took away my ship? And got Ash kicked out?”

That sentence almost crossed the line.

E: I love how indecisive this story is. “It almost crossed a line! It didn’t BUT IT CAME CLOSE! IT’S SO FUCKING TENSE!” I almost miss Stupard’s self righteous speeches in From Another World. At least he could commit to something. Half the time this guy is so fucking wishy washy and trying so hard not to offend everyone. Even when he gets self righteous he can’t stick to it. He just idly mentions it for a chapter and then forgets it ever happens. Say what you will about Stupard, at least he took a stand when it came to his values.

Anderson stopped in his tracks and looked at John.

“You know that’s not true. When you blew up the Batarian relay hundred’s of thousands of Batarians died. Sure you warned them but that doesn’t change the facts.”

“It was ether that or let the Reapers through our back door. I did the only thing that was left.”

E: And 300,000 people are dead and you’re still keeping secrets from the governments of the galaxy. Yet they’re supposed to just trust you. I don’t think you know how this works.

“I know that and so does the committee. If it wasn’t for that you would have been left in the brig to rot.”

“Doubt that could have held me.

E: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE!?

But is that your good word?”

“Yeah I trust you and so does the committee.”

“I understand but Anderson I’m a warrior prince not a politician.”

E:…A prince that doesn’t know how to handle politics. That sentence perfectly captures EVERYTHING wrong with the concept of this prick leading a civilization.

“I don’t need you to be ether.” Anderson said before walking again with John and James in tow. “I just need you to help us do whatever the hell it takes for us to stop the Reapers.”

They approached a security room. As the door opened a red haired officer turned to them.

“They’re expecting you two. Admiral.” she said before leading them into another room.

As Anderson and the officer walked ahead to talk to one of the guards James decided to give the ex-commander his best.

“Hey Shepard.” he said getting John’s attention. “Good luck in there. In respect you deserve better.”

E: No. He really fucking doesn’t. He’s a little shit who gets everything handed to him on a silver platter encrusted with diamonds and then complains when everything doesn’t automatically go his way.

James then shook John’s had before talking for a bit.

The guard then finished checking Anderson’s and Shepard’s details before walking off and allowing the Admiral and officer passed. As the officer walked ahead a woman dressed in a blue hoodie and jeans the Admiral.

“Anderson.” she said before noticing Shepard over David’s shoulder. Seeing him just made her smile.

“Shepard.” she exclaimed.

Hearing that voice Shepard just turned around to see his lover. He just smiled as he saw her.

“Ash.” he said as he walked up to the two of them.

“Williams how did it go?” Anderson asked.

“I can never tell with them all I know is that I can no longer be part of the Alliance.”

E: Great, the goddamn pronoun game. I don’t know who the fuck “they” are. Care to fill me in story? I know you’re busy sniffing your own farts, but some of us are kind of in the dark.

“Same here. But I heard about that, sorry.” Shepard said with guilt in his voice.

“Ah so you did hear.” Anderson stated.

“Well we are engaged.” John quipped.

E: Oh for fuck’s sake, I will never understand the obsession this series has with the word “quip” Speaking of which. *BAM*

“Yeah.” she said smugly before her face turned to a guilty one. “It’s ok John I’ve done my part for the most of it.”

“It’s ok I’m just glad I bummed into you.”

As he said the he noticed a wave of her hand indicating that the JFU had a few ships in sol. They where just waiting.

E: WHAT!? What the fuck are they doing? Just hanging around holding their dicks? Not screaming “THE REAPERS ARE COMING!” or doing anything to help the Alliance? Nope! They’re just here to evacuate their beloved dictator.

“Me too.” she said making no other hand signals.

“Admiral.” the red haired officer said walking up to the three of them.

Anderson and Shepard became a little tense but followed the officer. As John walked passed Ash she nodded with a charming smile. Shepard did the same as he walked after Anderson.

James walked up next to the ex-marine and gave her a look.

“You know the commander?” he asked.

“I should do, we’re engaged after all.”

E: A note for all aspiring writers. You should only drop a bomb more than once when it is absolutely necessary. And if you have to, make it so that they occur farther than TEN LINES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!

At that moment her omni-tool bleeped she opened up the screen. The message was in a language that Vega didn’t understand but Ash knew what it meant. She closed it down.

“Vega come with me.” she said sternly before walking off.

E: Wait you’re not in the Alliance, I don’t need to listen to you-

Even though she was no longer an officer he still followed her. As his own instincts told him something was up.

E: DA-HOY OK I FOLLOW MAIN CHARACTER!

Jane sat in the Normandy drinking her heart out. She started having nightmares about when she was captured and her sister. At first she was in denial about it all but only now the facts dawn on her. Now she could not spend a good night with out remembering the look on her sisters face or feeling those hot fresh tears.

E:…EP…when I said I wanted Jane’s rape explored…I WANTED YOU TO ACTUALLY FUCKING TRY! I mean really? This is all you have to offer? Jane remember the time she got raped and she got really sad and now she’s drinking? And some might say that’s an oversimplification but no, it’s actually an over complication because I actually included an element that wasn’t in there! That’s right, in a sentence designed to mock it, I included more of Jane’s backstory than EP did in an entire paragraph because he STILL REFUSES TO BRING UP THAT JANE WAS RAPED IN A MEANINGFUL WAY! All I can think of is all the awkward sexualization and sexualized humor in the Michael Bay Transformer’s films, because I’m pretty sure that’s where EP learned how to approach sex.

As she set down her glass and began to cry again. The workers occasionally glanced at her but when about their business as she told them to ‘fuck off’. She was allowed to stay on the Normandy as she had no home to go to.

E: Except an entire home galaxy where she’s royalty.

John dropped buy every now and again but she wanted to be alone. John maybe her brother but her sister was born along with her, her twin.

E: What’s her name again? EP. I’m asking you a question. What. Is. Her. Name? Because I don’t fucking see it anywhere.

Both of them where identical and that made them both feel unique. But now she’s dead Jane just felt alone and incomplete. At that moment her omni-tool bleeped but she just ignored it.

E: In a good story this would’ve been a character arc spanning multiple chapters, maybe even a sizable portion of the story. In From Another World it gets clumsily summarized in a few paragraphs. Because EP doesn’t tell a story, he talks about ideas he has. Half baked, inconsistent, stupid ass ideas. Back to John

Shepard an the others just saw a video transmission from London. Even from that short video made him grit his teeth. They where here and there was only one thing to do. He turned to the committee.

E: Ok, when two people have the same last name, you can’t refer to them by their last names.

“I have some thing to tell you.” he said drawing six small silver balls and dropped them on the floor.

Every one in the room turned to watch as the balls began to float. At that moment holograms of two humans, three new aliens and one Asari then appeared. Everyone just looked at the aliens in shock.

E:…You are honestly deciding that now is the best time? The Reapers are SECONDS away and you decided that NOW would be the best time to let the Alliance know that the parallel galaxy exists? What, oh brilliant Stu, made you think that this was a good idea. And how the fuck did you keep those silver balls when you were in prison?

“Shepard who are these people?” one of the committee members said.

“We are the remains of a government from another universe. Well the race I represent anyway.” Halyon said jokingly.

“Race… but… but your clearly human.” another committee member said that caused all six of the holograms to laugh.

E: Hahaha! Cultural barriers that we obviously would have to explain and now we are mocking them for not understanding within three seconds.

“Members of the committee the people you see before you despite appearances are not human. The ones who look human are known as the Tiberians and Exocrons.” Anderson said.

“The Tiberians are the race I am apart of.” John then said.

Now that shocked everyone but it explained a lot. But there was still scepticism in the room.

E: Because you can’t just drop that you are the representative of an alien empire from another galaxy and expect people

“Prove it.” a committee member said.

John drew his blade and cut his real arm. The wound he inflicted on himself healed almost immediately. Everyone’s eyes widened, and to prove the he wasn’t human Halyon made his eyes glow confirming what Anderson had told them. A few of them practically fainted but then the attention turned to the lone Asari.

E: Because glowing eyes and healing factor automatically equals alien. Let’s face it, everyone only swallows this bullshit because the narrative demands that they do. And no one, you know, asks questions. Questions about anything really. Like who are you people, what do you want with us, how long have you been watching us, just to name a few.

“If they’re from another reality why are you with them?”

“I am the voice of the Rachni.” she said with pride.

E: Oh great, ANOTHER massive bomb to be dropping on them. The race that nearly wiped out all intelligent life in the galaxy is back. And they’re working with another organization of races they’ve never heard of.

“All this is irrelevant. We need you to tell your soldiers to stop firing apon us.”

E: Alliance soldiers were firing on Union soldiers? First I’ve heard of it. Give those men medals. They know the true enemy when they see them.

The committee nodded and sent out the message. With that the holograms disappeared but before anyone could say anything a Reaper fell out of the sky. Everyone turned to watch their mouth wide open. Just them a red beam came from one of it’s tentacles.

E: That’s it? “Hi, we’re aliens, don’t shoot our guys, have fun with the Reapers?” What was the point of that Shepard?

“Move!” Shepard yelled but it was too late.

But it was too late the

N: Uh Ert, I think the DRD agents got caught in the crossfire between Manus and Shepard. It’s messy to say the least.

C: More like Shepard got thrown through the station again and the impact liquidized the agents.

beam it the tower and threw the committee table at John and Anderson who tried to run from it but it hit them and knocked both of them out.

E: Is there a name for when overpower characters dramatically faint when the story tries to shoehorn in tension?

Ash and Vega watched as the Reapers descended. Ash gritted her teeth.

“We’re done for.” Vega said.

Ash then tapped her temple and her holographic visor appeared over her eyes. James was too busy watching in awe at the Reapers.

“This is Knight Ashley calling the Kolveck launch package Williams 0-1.” she said.

“Copy launching.” the comm said.

E: We sit on our asses until the last second then come in and insist that we actually did something.

A light sped towards her fast and hit the pavement. The noise brought James out of his trance and make him look at a 9-foot cylindrical object. Ash approached it hand hit a few keys on it’s holopad the device then opened to reveal two set’s of weapons and a set of pink and white armour.

E: The woman’s armor is pink and white of course it is. It probably has little hearts all over it too, as well as Bratz stickers, a built in purse with rhinestones and an automatic lipstick dispenser. Also, this ship is close enough to Earth that it can drop a support pod accurately. That means it’s in atmosphere. How did Alliance surveillance not detect it?

Ash picked up the armour first and unclipped the back before she slid into it.

The armour then adjusted itself to fit her like a glove. James just watched amazed, Ash then took out two assault rifle looking weapons and threw one to James. She did the same with the sniper rifles. James just looked at the weapons that Ash gave him.

“Lets go.” she said before walking off.

E: Yeah, a set of armor and four rifles. Now we’re ready to stop the Reapers.

“Shepard!” Anderson yelled.

Shepard woke as he saw Anderson came up towards him fast. Fully awake now he yelled in pain as something felt wrong with his.

“Shepard are yo…” Anderson trailed off as he saw John’s arm. “Shepard your arm it’s…”

John looked at him arm to find it dislocated. Gritting his teeth he got up and looked at David.

“You may want to look away.” he said. “What I’m about to do is disturbing.”

E: I know you’re an Admiral with lots of combat reasons, but for no reason I’m going to treat you like a fresh recruit. Seriously, someone relocating their shoulder would be child’s play to Anderson. Christ, I’ve read about it happening in a children’s book for the love of God.

Anderson just nodded and turned around. John took hold of his shoulder, closed his eyes and jerked his shoulder forward yelling in pain as he did so. There was an audible crack and his arm was corrected. David turned to John once again, now understanding why he was told to look away.

“Did you just…”

“Yep. But that doesn’t make it any less painful.”

E: I guess that was supposed to be “badass”. Not feeling it.

Nodding Anderson handed John a spare pistol and both of them made there way onto the outside structure. They watched for a few moments as Reapers descended from the sky. They looked at each other before moving to the next rooftop. As soon as they did Shepard used his comm.

E: I would just like to point out that the most feared things in the galaxy started their invasion of the human homeworld in that last sentence. YOU THINK IT MAYBE COULD’VE BEEN DESCRIBED A LITTLE MORE?

“Ash do you read me?” he yelled.

“John I’m with Vega, we’re heading to the Normandy but we have ran into some resistance. But we’re moving.” Ash said.

E: Resistance in the form of too lazy to explain.

As John and David rounded a corner and crossed the roof to a nearby apartment. The door to it was locked but before they could open it a moan sounded. They both looked to the edge of the building where four human husks emerged. But these husks where armoured and had weapons in place of their right arms. The husk’s aimed and fired. Their weapons fired out a barrage of laser fire. Shepard covered Anderson as the laser bolts flew toward them. The bolts hit Shepard’s shields that somehow did not absorb the bolts. The lasers it the Prince in multiple places. He screamed as he felt the burns.

E: He’s hurt but it will not hurt his ability to fight, nor will the Husks having this advanced new technology cause any major changes in the plot EP is copying and pasting. I assure you. Also, could you get anymore vague and bare bones? Multiple places? Like where? As far as I’m concerned he just got shot in the dick.

Anderson took aim with his pistol and fired at the Husks but the rounds bounced off the shells.

“Shit.” he whispered.

The Husks stopped firing and approached the two slowly.

E: They stopped firing because reasons.

“This is Shepard… ordnance priority level one, deploy my location.” John said as he collapsed to his knees.

Just then a large cylindrical object flew from the sky. The Husks turned to see it but they failed to move in time and where crushed by the object. Anderson just looked at the device as he walked over to it.

E: Because support pods can be fired with such accuracy that they double as kinetic rounds. Because reasons. You know…unless the ship dropping this things are right above the Husks, I think the Husks would have time to move.

“Shepard?” he asked.

“Weapon and shield upgrades for us.” John replied.

E: That’s right, fuck you suspense! EP wants his Stu power!

Aderson then opened the device to find two assault rifle looking weapons, two pistols, two shield generators as well as several green cylinders. He took the cylinders ran over to Shepard and injected one into him. John’s wounds then healed fast but left scars on his body.

E: I love how Anderson injected Shepard with some substance that he had never seen before. Shepard never said anything about the pod having medicine, he could’ve injected him with poison for all he knew. Oh and look at that, Stupard’s wounds are gone already. And what the fucking is “assault rifle looking”.

John then got up with Anderson helped him up.

“You ok?”

“Yeah I’ll be fine.” John said before activating his comm. “Shepard to all unit’s be careful Reaper forces have upgraded with lasers and heavy armour.”

E Uh, Commander, the shit is “heavy armor” supposed to mean? Were we supposed to be under the impression that they were only use light infantry?

After a quick pat down to make sure his wounds where healed they then moved over to the device and replaced their weapons and shields. A Reaper then fired in their direction as it tried to hit a frigate above the two. The door unlocked and both of then went through.

E: That bit with the frigate sure added a lot. *Rolls eyes*

Ahead was another locked door. Shepard walked over to it and opened it with some difficulty. Normally he could open it with ease but the damage due to the lasers made it quite weak.

E: He’s totally weak! He can’t open a super tough door as easily as he used to be able to! See!? He’s not a Stu!

Anderson when through the gap. Shepard was about to follow but a noise detracted him. Letting go of the door he walked over to an office space before he heard a clunk. Looking around he then spotted a air vent he walked over to it before crouching down. Inside was the child who was playing on the rooftop earlier.

E: *Draws pistol* YOU FUCK! YOU RUINED MASS EFFECT!

G: *Peeks head in*

E:…Gotta be better than Goeth. Gotta be better than fucking Goeth.

“Hey.” he said.

“Everyone’s dieing.” the boy said.

“Come on I can help.”

“You can’t help… no one can help.”

Shepard was about to argue but the sound of a Reaper made him look to see one walk by. He then turned to see that the child was gone.

E: This is turning into fucking connect the dots. Rooftop fight because it was in the game, Shepard opening the door because it was in the game, Shepard talks to the kid because it was in the game. Except EP is rushing through them, rarely bothering to put in anything more than the dialogue from the game before moving onto the next bit. It’s soulless and pathetic frankly.

“Shepard.” Anderson said getting the commanders attention. “This way.”

Shepard looked inside the vent once again but there was no sign of the child. As he got up he hear a voice saying ‘brother’.

E: This jackass is popping up again? Is he like one of those people that obsessively follows the “cool kids” everywhere they go in the vain hopes that he can become one of them? Because so far he’s added dicks to the story.

Guessing it was his imagination

E: Rule one. It is NEVER your imagination. Evil Overlord rule number 139. If I’m sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

he followed Anderson through the door. The next few room had caved in and David was moving some of the debris out of the way. John helped.

E: Again, really vague, so I’m gonna fill in the blanks. He helped by oiling Anderson’s muscular abs. Back to Ash and Vega

Ash and Vega made it to the alliance shipyard but the entrance was inaccessible. Thankfully the roof provided an alternative entrance. They where about to enter when two loud bangs sounded above them. Looking up they saw two angular objects heading towards them. Vega aimed but Ash placed her hand on his gun lowering it for him.

E: Yeah, you shoot that object falling out of the sky at who knows how fast. You’ll be able to hit it.

The objects landed with a thud. Once the dust cleared two pods stood there before opening. One of the people that walked out. He stood at around 7 foot with two large axe’s. The second stood 6 foot with a metal stick in hand. As they moved up next to Ash and Vega they saluted.

E: Ok first of all, seven feet tall? Is he the fucking Mountain that rides? Second, axes? I know EP has a pretentious fairy tale fetish, but you think on a modern battlefield you could free up one hand for some form of firearm.

“Knight Williams we where ordered by our Capitan to provide assistance.” the larger one of the two said.

“Well that’s good but what’s the delay with JFU support?” Ash asked.

“When the Reapers entered system they must have had some kind of emp bomb or emp weapon. It disrupted all JFU ship systems.” the 6 foot one said. “But we have nearly resolved the problem.”

E: Another weak ass explanation as to why the Union has to let the plot of the games play out. And question, how come the Reapers didn’t just sweep in and blow the Union ships to Hell? And how did they get an EMP weapon that disabled Union ships when their tech is supposed to be a rip off of Union tech? AND A BOMB IS A WEAPON EP!

“Good come on let’s go.”

As Anderson and Shepard came out of the rubble they tried to contact Ashley but the communication was garbled. Thankfully Anderson said that he saw a gunship crash nearby and the beacon could be used to contact the Normandy. Agreeing Shepard moved on ahead. As they moved onto a glass building a Dreadnought was firing on a reaper but as it fired its main weapon it exploded.

E: Erm…wow. I thought the Union was staffed by idiots, but apparently the Alliance can’t even make a dreadnought without it exploding when it tries to open fire. that’s pretty bad.

The shock-wave shattered the glass that Anderson and Shepard were on. They slid downwards to the riverside.

E: What glass and what riverside? ESTABLISH SHIT EP!

There was part of the crashed gunship and two wounded troopers. One of them however had his legs under some rubble.

“Hold still.” Shepard said as he moved up to the frame and lifted it freeing the marine.

E: WHAT FRAME!? Oh for God’s sake. This story could be taking place in an empty void for all I know.

Just then a loud roar sounded and all four of them looked to the sky. An angular ship with a long neck entered the atmosphere. It was very large as it came down but it stopped over the river. The Reapers that where closer to it took aim at the ship and fired. The beams it the shields and Shepard smiled.

E: The beams did what now to the shields? Was that sexual in nature? I’m not sure but knowing EP.

“ALERT ALERT ALL UNITS TO BATTLE STATIONS!” the siren yelled.

E: The siren that suddenly exists.

Tiberian, Aqualt, Tolashner and Exocron soldiers ran through the ship weapons and armour the hanger bay several squads of Tiberians and Tolashnears stood as the door opened.

E: So just for the record, the soldiers ran through the ships weapons and armor, the hanger bay and several other squads of soldiers. I don’t think that’s standard military procedure. That would damage important systems.

The squad stepped forward. The Tiberians stood in armour that was white and had wings on it. The leader stepped forward a staff weapon in hand.

E: Wings on the ass.

“FOR THE HOMEWORLD!” she yelled.

“FOR THE HOMEWORLD AND HER COLONYS!” the soldiers behind her yelled.

E: The Tiberium homeworld has colonies? I would find that hard to imagine considering that the species has a population of a million. And why are all the other species calling out for someone else’s homeworld?

They then ran off the hanger and jumped off as they fell four points came out of there back packs. Just then an orange hexagonal grid formed between them. After it was completed they flew across the sky.

E: Technology that will never be explained or explored again.

Back on the ship everyone else claimed into pods and where launched into the streets. The tanks and other vehicles they had soon followed. The war had begun.

E: The war has been going for some time you pricks.

The four saw this, the three humans just stared in awe while John just smiled.

E: It’s a single ship. It isn’t going to do anything to stop the invasion of hundreds if not thousands of Reapers. EP stop jerking off the Union by having people stare in awe every time they scratch their asses.

At that moment several shots from another island made them take cover. Popping up John could see a large read beast that looked like it used to be Batarian. David and John fired at it as the marines took cover. The laser bolts flew and it the Batarian husk it took half their ammo but it managed to take it down.

E: He stole their ammo? Well that was rude of them.

Just then several more Batarian husks then took up the corpse and ate part of it. The others did the same. Shepard and Anderson felt sick to their stomachs as they witnessed it.

E: Mr “I ate a Thresher Maw and a Varren” feels sick to his stomach? Spare me.

But they then gritted their teeth and fired at these ‘cannibals’. It wasn’t long before they needed to reload.

But that would have taken took long so Shepard lobbed a grenade at the cannibals.

E: GUH WHY GUN NO RELOAD FASTER!

The hi-explosive grenade detonated almost killing the cannibal’s but the floor underneath them fell into the river.

E: Almost killing? So…

A large building frame then fell into the water as well allowing John and David to cross. They moved across where the cannibals once where and moved fast across the pontoon to the crashed gunship.

Anderson moved up to the beacon and activated it while John looked out.

“This is Admiral Anderson, Normandy do you read?” Anderson half yelled.

“Admiral it’s Joker we have a lock on you ETA 5 minuets.” Joker said over the comm.

E: We could catch a ride on that Union starship, but fuck it. Let us follow the plot of the games mindlessly.

“INCOMING!” John yelled as several husks and cannibals came into sight.

E: Cannibals ARE Husks!

They both took cover and started taking pot-shots at the Reaper forces. But as the husks fell the cannibal’s ate the corpse’s making them hard to kill. They where running out of ammo fast.

E: Any reason John can’t use his bullshit magical powers? Or did the plot fairy take them away for drama?

The final laser bolts hit a cannibal in the head. It fell into the sea. They had no grenades left just then a rumble and the buildings in front of them exploded.

A large blue snake with glowing vain’s emerged from the ground. And roared that shook everything.

“We are royally screwed.” John said.

E: Thank you for adding nothing of value to the story John. Why don’t you just be more blunt and say “We appear to be in a less than ideal situation but we will be rescued at the last second.”

Anderson just agreed. As the Reaper forces approached the sound of metal on metal sounded and just then two Valmachs appeared and opened fired at the husks and cannibals while another two used jet packs and attacked the snake. As the Valmachs fort back the Reapers the Normandy appeared and made it’s way to Anderson and Shepard.

E: Oh, ok. No one told me last chapter that apparently giant mechs are good at SNEAKING UP ON PEOPLE. Then again I’ve heard of more bullshit things.

The cargo bay ramp opened and Shepard ran towards it as Ashley and two Tiberian troopers appeared. He then jumped and landed on the Normandy.

“Welcome back John.” Ash said.

“Good to be back.” John replied.

E: Such thrilling dialogue. By the standards of planks of wood. Seriously, there is no life to anything that anyone says. It’s just dry boring drivel that serves to connect one scene to another. Poorly.

“Shepard.” Anderson called. “I’m staying those marines back there, there’s going to be a lot more. My place is here yours is with your people.”

“Anderson we’re in this together.”

E: I have to pull an old AT4W clip for this one. Just replace Batman with Shepard and you’ll get my point.

“Yes we are.” just then the Admiral was interrupted by a Kodiak flying by. “But you need to lead your people while I stay here and take out the Reapers here.” he then took out a set of dog tags and threw them at Shepard.

E: Those tags were supposed to signify Anderson giving Shepard his old rank back in game. he doesn’t do that here, so this is pointless.

John caut them and looked at Anderson. “I’ll come back with reinforcement’s. So don’t you dare die on me old man.”

Anderson just laughed out loud before saluting. “Good luck.”

the Normandy then took off. As it started to move into the upper atmosphere Shepard saw three Kodiak’s getting civilians on them. One of those people was that boy.

E: Not the boy he saw in the vents, not the boy that he had tried to help, not even the boy he had met earlier. Just “that boy”

As a reaper approached the boy climbed onto one of the Kodiak’s before taking off with another Kodiak. But they did not get far as a Reaper shot them down.

E: YAYYYYYYYY!

John looked away as rage built up in him.

E: I’m angry. honest.

The Normandy then sped away from earth. As it did a man in black just smiled as he saw the Normandy sped away.

“Yes brother our time will come soon.” he said.

E: Oh will you just get out in the open and tell us your stupid backstory already? Just get it over with. Well that just about sums it up with-

N: Hey Ert, how’s it going?

E: Wow. He didn’t even leave a scratch on you two.

C: That’s because he didn’t actually fight us. I wish I could say otherwise. He seemed content with just wailing on this guy. *Pulls Shepard in*

E: Christ, he looks even worse than the last time Manus thrashed him. Well, we should move the station if he knows where we are again.

N: On it. *Pushes button* What? *Pushes button again* Oh you have got to be shitting me.

E: What?

C: The engines are damaged. Completely gutted. It looks like he hit them directly with a blast of energy when Shepard was fighting him.

N: Son of a bitch! This was his plan all along! He didn’t want to kill us! He didn’t even want to kill Shepard! He just wanted to cripple us so we can’t run! Now he can bring his entire army down on top of us! *Glares at Shepard* You really fucked us this time asshole.

S: I…can’t lose. I can’t be defeated. I am the prince.

C: He’s helpless. So what now? Do we abandon ship? Maybe rig the place to blow?

E: If we do, we’ll be on the run without any resources. For now we should try and fix the ship, and fortify it if we can’t.

N: I’ll call Goeth and the others back. If they haven’t found a White Lantern by now then they won’t be able to in time.

C: I suppose Princey avoids execution for the moment. Just great. Well, back to the hospital. *Drags Shepard out*

E: Nora…can I ask you a question?

N: Aside from that one I assume?

E: Not now.

N: Yeah, shoot.

E: Are we in a really bad spot?

N: Ert. I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s about as bad as it gets.

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184 Comments on “914: From Another World – EP’s Bitching & Chapter 40”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    and the fact that my collage course is level 3. DO NOT SAY THAT IT IS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE IT IS! I’m in collage three and a half days a week and don’t get me started on the homework. And that’s not mentioning my work experience and night class.

    Well, honey, I have to go to school four or five days a week depending on my class schedule, I also get a lot of homework there, and that’s not even getting into all the extra composing I have to do even outside all that. Oh, and I have the added burden of meating non-scholastic deadlines ’cause my profession is competitive to a cutthroat level.

    So it is not an excuse, because being able to do stuff depends on a little something called “budgeting your time”. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve managed to survive this long doing this and the Library and other things!

    • What exactly would a “collage” course be? Advanced Gluing?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I have no idea, Ghostie. It’s a common EP thing to misspell just about every damn thing now that he doesn’t have IHW’s text to steal.

        Just wait until you see how he misspells “genophage”…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Hopefully not English Lit.

        and the fact that my collage course is level 3

        I don’t know exactly what that maps to on the American system, but if it’s the same as an American 300-level course…. I’d kill to have this guy’s schedule.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Well, one thing’s for sure: let’s hope his professors never discover his behavior on fanfiction sites. That would be the end of his collegiate days for sure, given that he’d likely be ostracized to shit if it ever came out that he was a plagiarist.

      • TacoMagic says:

        burden of meating non-scholastic deadlines

        Juicy, juicy deadlines.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I love and hate deadlines. They have a way of motivating you.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Herr Typo strikes again!

      • infinity421 says:

        Hm… Judging by the ‘level 3’ part, he may be taking a BTEC course. EP’s English, right? I’m pretty sure that was said somewhere. I could potentially sympathise if I’m right about him taking a BTEC, as those courses tend to drop a craptonne of coursework on you.

        Then again, I managed to tackle this term’s coursework by prioritising which units I wanted to get higher marks in and which I could settle for achieving the equivalent of a B in; this let me do some writing when I could be sufficiently arsed.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This and also I’m planning to play ME3 again while taking down notes. This will help me to get the details and find the perfect places to add my content. I will also add one or two N7 missions and change a few parts of the story missions.

    You know, despite the fact that I told him not to do this one time in a PM chain after I reviewed this piece of shit.

    But of course, why use an imagination for possibilities when you can regurgitate plot like a lazy dumbass?

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Sorry I would have got this out sooner but I recently acquired my uncles copy of the dead space trilogy and ps3 with a few of it’s famous games.

    *headdesk*

    Oh goddammit, I didn’t even realize he contradicted himself in there.

    *headdesk*

    And you know, I’d be willing to buy that he’s got his attention added to that too. I’ll admit that my attention gets pulled by video games a lot. Especially Smash 4 at the moment! I’d be willing to accept that his attention also got pulled by that, if it wasn’t for his history of being an excuse-mongering little bitch who throws out those excuses every damn time someone calls him out on the fact that he doesn’t fix his mistakes!

    *headdesk*

    In case you guys haven’t noticed, EP pisses me the fuck off every time he opens his mouth.

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The last few months however where tourcher for him and Ash. Due to the fact that they both got kicked out of the alliance and pending trail. Ash took the brunt of that as her family was dedicated to be with the alliance.

    Huh, Ashley actually faced some flak for going AWOL with Shepard. Gee, Ashley, maybe you shouldn’t have thought with your clit around Shepard, now, should you?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I had to point out that that was a fucking stupid idea. And even then he didn’t change THAT much of the chapter, taking the path of the least resistance. I’d bring up the chat log but for some fucking reason I can’t even access the messages EP sent me after he threw a temper tantrum and blocked me on FF.net. End point is that he couldn’t even figure out that something like desertion would result in negative consequences until I held his hand and pointed it out to him.

      Oh…

      *headdesk*

      God motherfucking dammit…

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    However when the trail was about to begin something happened to a Batarian system that halted their trail.

    *frown*

    Were they trying to chart systems past the batarians’ home system? Why the fuck would they put Stupard in charge of that?

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I almost miss Stupard’s self righteous speeches in From Another World.

    You mean the ones he stole from Parallel Realities, right?

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Well we are engaged.” John quipped.

    *headdesk*

    No! Come on! Don’t crib off of IHW’s tendency to misuse that word! What the fuck!?

  8. This and also I’m planning to play ME3 again while taking down notes.

    That sounds really difficult; I would think you’d be focused more on playing the game than trying to pay attention to the story’s plot points. Is he really going to pause the game during crucial or climatic scenes to take notes?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, in dialogue scenes you usually have more leeway to pause and take down notes thanks to the fact that it’ll stop every so often for the dialogue wheel.

      But yeah, it’s an impractical method of taking notes from the canon. That’s usually why I go to YouTube if I ever need to take notes on specific pieces of dialogue for my fic: you can pause after every line of dialogue, and it’s especially helpful that some Let’s Plays use the subtitles so even if you can’t retain what you hear, you can still note it down. Now, granted, I generally aim for the contour of the conversation, but in the parts of my ME fics where I have admittedly used plot regurgitation, that’s generally how I do it.

      Now, if only there were more full-Renegade playthroughs of these games on YouTube, that would’ve helped a lot in the ME1 arc of my deconstructor fleet for this fic…

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    What the fuck are they doing? Just hanging around holding their dicks? Not screaming “THE REAPERS ARE COMING!” or doing anything to help the Alliance? Nope! They’re just here to evacuate their beloved dictator.

    Oh, don’t you know? They’re busy watching the ten-minute cut of Team America that cuts out all the parodies of American jingoism and the fact that Kim Jong Il is the villain of the piece. Oh, and they also cut out the “dicks, pussies, and assholes” speech, that too.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    EP…when I said I wanted Jane’s rape explored…I WANTED YOU TO ACTUALLY FUCKING TRY!

    Ert, you were asking the dumbass to explore a serious subject with maturity that he doesn’t have. I commend you for trying, but honestly, what were you expecting?

  11. She started having nightmares about when she was captured and her sister.

    She’s having nightmares about when she was captured, and also separate and unrelated nightmares about her sister? I thought they were captured at the same time?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Because EP doesn’t tell a story, he talks about ideas he has. Half baked, inconsistent, stupid ass ideas.

    Yep, that about sums it up. And his ideas keep shifting from one to another like an inconsistent little thing.

    Jeez man, I have ADHD myself, but I can fucking control it, EP. Do we need to put you back on your meds? ‘Cause it sounds like you can’t control it without your meds…

  13. “Members of the committee the people you see before you despite appearances are not human. The ones who look human are known as the Tiberians and Exocrons.” Anderson said.

    “The Tiberians are the race I am apart of.” John then said.

    Have we added “Doesn’t know the difference between ‘race’ and ‘species'” to EP’s list of faults yet?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      What do you expect? This is EP: you know, the guy who actually liked the fic by the guy who didn’t realize that “specie” is not the singular form of “species”.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Part of this is the fault of both Sci-Fi and Fantasy misusing the terminology. I do it myself all the time because it’s become so common to use the two synonymously in those genres.

      I’d chalk it up to evolution of language, but it is rather restricted to specific subsets of those fandoms.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    E: Because you can’t just drop that you are the representative of an alien empire from another galaxy and expect people</blockquote.
    I think you left out a

  15. John drew his blade and cut his real arm. The wound he inflicted on himself healed almost immediately. Everyone’s eyes widened, and to prove the he wasn’t human Halyon made his eyes glow confirming what Anderson had told them.

    So just submitting to a DNA test or using valid scientific means to establish their identities as different species was out of the question? They just had to go for some showboating crap to do it?

    A few of them practically fainted…

    :headdesk:

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t there several other alien species in this universe – some of whom are radically different in appearance? What about these two makes them worthy of such an over-reaction?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, see, submitting a DNA test or using valid scientific means to establish that yes, they are a different species requires you to be less badass. So of course, they wouldn’t take it. Also, it would be a little awkward for the exocrons to be like “um… yeah, see, we’re not actually organic, so…”

      And I think it’s that they look exactly like humans. Though, why the fuck that means that they’re gonna faing is still up in the air, so yeah, point still stands.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    beam it the tower and threw the committee table at John and Anderson

    At least he used “threw” properly. I don’t think SC would’ve liked to get that committee table thrown at him…

  17. The woman’s armor is pink and white of course it is. It probably has little hearts all over it too, as well as Bratz stickers, a built in purse with rhinestones and an automatic lipstick dispenser.

    :points:

    You forgot the sequined Hello Kitty bow.

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She did the same with the sniper rifles. James just looked at the weapons that Ash gave him.

    To which he also adds:

    “You realize I’m still in my Alliance fatigues, right?”

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    E: Rule one. It is NEVER your imagination. Evil Overlord rule number 139. If I’m sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

    You’ve been hanging out around Goeth too much, dude…

  20. TacoMagic says:

    “Is that why they grounded me and took away my ship? And got Ash kicked out?”

    Pretty sure it was because of the necessary murder of 300,000 people. Did you forget already?

    • TacoMagic says:

      “You know that’s not true. When you blew up the Batarian relay hundred’s of thousands of Batarians died. Sure you warned them but that doesn’t change the facts.”

      *Highfives Anderson*

      Thanks for keeping it real, bro.

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    One of the people that walked out. He stood at around 7 foot with two large axe’s. The second stood 6 foot with a metal stick in hand.

    Well, aren’t you so glad that these beings from the parallel galaxy are so important that their exact species isn’t described? It’s like those species he produced are completely superfluous to the proceedings and only exist to suck Stupard 2.0’s dick!

  22. Herr Wozzeck says:

    E: WHAT FRAME!? Oh for God’s sake. This story could be taking place in an empty void for all I know.

    Why yes, Ert, it is taking place in the Formless Void! See?

    *points at Stupard 2.0*

  23. Herr Wozzeck says:

    E: So just for the record, the soldiers ran through the ships weapons and armor, the hanger bay and several other squads of soldiers. I don’t think that’s standard military procedure. That would damage important systems.

    Well, that, or the entire ship is staffed by a bunch of Kitty Pride knockoffs. Knowing EP, it’s probably that.

  24. John took hold of his shoulder, closed his eyes and jerked his shoulder forward yelling in pain as he did so.

    That is not how you reduce your own dislocation. He’d have to reach across his own body and grab his shoulder, which really limits his range of motion and gives him little to no leverage. You’ve got a lot of big-ass muscles in your shoulders, chest, and arms and you can’t just pull them with your hand. You have to pull the entire arm, either by grabbing a stationary object with both hands or by sitting down and grabbing your knee, and then lean back slowly to pop it back into place.

    There was an audible crack and his arm was corrected.

    Yeah, no; you just broke your own arm.

  25. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It wasn’t long before they needed to reload.

    But that would have taken took long

    HOW!?!?

    It’s a fucking gun! If it takes longer than three seconds to reload, you’ve got a serious, serious design flaw in there! I’ve never been around a gun before and even I can tell you that!

  26. TacoMagic says:

    “I understand but Anderson I’m a warrior prince not a politician.”

    This would be a good irony to capitalize on for a better writer, since Anderson says essentially the EXACT same thing if you put him on the council.

  27. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As the Valmachs fort back the Reapers

    *snerk*

    So they FOUGHT back the Reapers by rapidly building a building around them? Gee, I wonder what this reminds me of…

    *headdesk*

  28. Herr Wozzeck says:

    As it did a man in black just smiled as he saw the Normandy sped away.

    He’s got a neuralyzer, doesn’t he?

  29. leobracer says:

    You know, I’ve got one chapter down of my Destiny Self Insert, and I’m halfway done with my seond chapter.

    I would have gotten more done on the time I originally wanted, but I’m simply too goddamned lazy to get any of it written down.

    That, and because I haven’t been able to find a present for my family for Christmas, and because my work schedule is simply unpredictable.

    And then there’s the fact that the Dark Below kind of threw a wrench in my plans. I have no idea if I want to go with my original plan, and have Rasputin be hidden in a bunker located somewhere in rural Russia, or if I want to follow canon in which he’s hiding underneath the Cosmodrome.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, either way, you have better excuses than EP does. Especially since “gotta rethink a large part of some of the plot” is kind of a good reason to pause the story.

      • leobracer says:

        Rasputin in my Destiny SI is going to have a bigger role than what he has in the game.

        I don’t want to reveal too much, but when the Fireteam that my character’s a part of finds him, he gives them a mission to go to Moscow to find the codes needed to activate the array in the Cosmodrome, located somewhere in the Kremlin.

        After that, Rasputin would use the array as a link to access defense and communication systems all across the Solar System, to provide support to not just the Fireteam, but to other Guardians as well.

        As well as to locate any survivors outside of the City.

        He would also ask Guardians to help him find some way to control the Vex. But that would be a seperate story.

  30. TacoMagic says:

    “The Tiberians are the race I am apart of.” John then said.

    *Raises hand at the back of the room*

    So, when you made the decision to destroy the relay on your own, not only were you out of your jurisdiction, but way out of line because of the conflict of interest created by being from another dimension, right? Want to explain to us again how you aren’t guilty of committing an atrocity?

    Also, it turns out that because you lied about your race of origin, it invalidates your military commission as well as calls into question your status as a Spectre since you earned that position under false pretense. I would bet if we dug deeper, we would find significant evidence of you gathering and withholding information likely as a precursor to war and invasion. Can you give us any reason to not order your immediate execution?

  31. TacoMagic says:

    How did Alliance surveillance not detect it?

    From the makers of EXPERMINT! comes a brand new product line of plot justification.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

  32. TacoMagic says:

    Gotta be better than fucking Goeth.

    I don’t know, I heard he was pretty good in be-

    *Eliza rushes in and frantically whispers in Taco’s ear*

    Oooooooooh.

  33. TacoMagic says:

    One of the people that walked out.

    I think most of that sentence.

  34. TacoMagic says:

    “Well that’s good but what’s the delay with JFU support?” Ash asked.

    Yeah, shouldn’t you guys have been doing something like 39 chapters ago?

  35. TacoMagic says:

    It was very large as it came down but it stopped over the river.

    Huh… okay. So, is it like a different size when it’s in space or something, then?

  36. TacoMagic says:

    Back on the ship everyone else claimed into pods and where launched into the streets. The tanks and other vehicles they had soon followed. The war had begun.

    Bummer, the Union is finally invading earth. Hopefully Kai Leng will rally the human forces off-planet and take it back.

  37. The Crowbar says:

    Evil Overlord rule number 139.

    Hmm, this will be useful…

    *The Crowbar starts writing down the rule for future reference but stops*

    Wait… But what if you napalm the entire forest BEFORE you enter it…

  38. The Crowbar says:

    Sorry I would have got this out sooner but I recently acquired my uncles copy of the dead space trilogy and ps3 with a few of it’s famous games

    DID YOU JUST CONTRADICT YOUR OWN EXCUSES?!

  39. Delta XIII says:

    E: *Draws pistol* YOU FUCK! YOU RUINED MASS EFFECT!

    G: *Peeks head in*

    E:…Gotta be better than Goeth. Gotta be better than fucking Goeth.

    Good thing I don’t!

    *brandishes boomstick*
    GET BACK HERE, YA LITTLE SHIT!!!

  40. leobracer says:

    Am I the only here who…

    Doesn’t…

    Hate the kid?

  41. infinity421 says:

    aspergus syndrome

    I swear to god, I read that as asparagus syndrome.

  42. infinity421 says:

    One of the things that particularly annoys me about this bloody ‘fic is, well, the lack of impact anything has. Firefights? Yeah, sure, whatever, it’s just statements; there’s no excitement! And it’s all done in the same bland prose! I may be a bit bad at times but Jesus Christ on a bicycle, I haven’t been as bad as EP’s ‘firefights’ since I first started to improve!

    And the plot regurgitation! Listen here, matey, you have all this stuff that, while not quite top notch, could still be interesting if pulled off well. Instead we get plot regurgitation until Mass Effect’s poor stomach is empty. Where are the repercussions to any of the changes?

    You have all this stuff that would otherwise cause massive changes from what we, the audience, would experience in our day-to-day lives, but you never. Fucking. Detail. The implications of this stuff. NOPE, it’s just slotted in wholesale and left to fucking rot.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, what do you expect? It’s a lazily-written fanfic written by a plagiarist who stole another lazily-written fanfic whose only changes were a heaping of wish fulfillment where all the guys he hated got their just desserts and he got to have everything both ways.

      • infinity421 says:

        Wish fulfillment and fanfiction rarely go well together, it seems. Especially when asparagus syndrome is apparently a factor.

  43. infinity421 says:

    … I’d like to do a comparison between some aspects of FAW and something I’ve been working on for a while, but I’m honestly afraid that it’d cause some of you to view me in a potentially more … well, not negative, but… perverted and bizarre light. Do you guys think that you could promise not to openly laugh or whatever at what I have to reveal in order to conduct this comparison if I go through and write it? It’s not gonna be that long but it could potentially be embarassing for me depending on the maturity of those who read it.

  44. kiri2tsubasa says:

    If you are willing to take submissions you could try his take on a Warhammer 40K/Mass Effect crossover
    The Extiction
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8502434/1/The-Extiction

    You can already see the first problem, also the reviews can explain some of the really stupid bits.

    But for the sake of giving somthing better here is a much better written one.
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7436717/1/The-Mission-Stays-the-Same

    Shame that aspects of this story are ripped out and put in that shitty extiction fic.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, just wait until next week when I do another one of his crappy fanfics. That one is really, really bad, I’m just warning you now…

    • erttheking says:

      OH GAWD! That thing? I’ve skimmed it and it is DUMB!

      As for the Mission Stays the same I’ve heard good things about it. Shame it looks like it hasn’t been updated in half a year.

      • kiri2tsubasa says:

        To be fair, he lives in the Ukraine so he kida has some issues outside of his control that keep him busy.

        • erttheking says:

          ….Yeah that’d do it.

        • erttheking says:

          Well, on a more light hearted note, let me bitch about everything EP fucks up in his 40k fic.

          Why the fuck would an Inquisitor be shepherding a noble from a Feudal World around?

          Why is a Catchan warrior who works for an inquisitor only using an autogun for a weapon? That’s the kind of shit poorly equipped PDFs use. At the very least she should be using a hellgun.

          Why the fuck is Hikari Shepard walking around the Citadel in a Kimono? I thought those were reserved for formal occasions. (I think)

          An Inquisitor would NEVER offer sex to one of his underlinings. They’re a little too puritan for that. The only Inquisitor I can think of that ever bonked a subordinate was Amberly Veil, and even then it wasn’t so much a subordinate considering it was a Comissar.

          Why the fuck did the Daemon eat up the shots from the Inquisitor’s plasma pistol like they they were candy, but when he starts glowing green for no reason a single shot kills him?

          If the rulebook for the 40k role playing game Rogue Trader can be trusted, you CAN survive a trip through the Warp without any protection, but you sure as fuck aren’t walking away from it without any mental scars. They do in this story.

          Which Ordo does this Inquisitor belong to? He deals with aliens which suggests Ordo Xenos, but then he goes to chase down heretics, which suggests Ordo Hereticus. Inquisitors only deal with problems outside their field when they have no other choice.

          A noble would not be acting like a horny teenager on an INQUISITOR’S ship. Inquisitors have killed better people for worse reasons.

          A Cadian would not reply to the question “you Cadians know all about combat don’t you” with a “Depends” He would say yes. Everyone on Cadia is a soldier, there is no such thing as a civilian.

          What’s more a Cadian soldier on an Inquisitor’s ship would be given medical treatment and cybernetic implants to help him overcome whatever injury he have. Unless it was so severe that he was beyond help, but if that was the case he wouldn’t be able to serve as quarter master like the one in this story.

          Storm troopers would get better weapons than fucking shotguns. Again, that’s poorly equipped PDF levels of weaponry.

          An Inquisitor would not a heretic’s word for it. He would have a Psyker rip the truth out of his mind. Then he would kill him unless him being alive was 100% necessary.

          The woman’s masochism is an informed trait.

          I can keep going.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ooh… Yeah, that’d definitely do it.

        Here’s hoping he’s okay in all that unrest…

  45. You know, the lack of commas and any form of grammar makes it seem like the characters are just talking non-stop Ac Ventura style.

    Wait! Maybe this is all just a dream in Shepard’s mind after he passed out from not pausing to great everytime he talks!


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