913: of wolf and woman – Chapters Five and SixPosted: December 22, 2014
Title: of wolf and woman
Genre: Romance / Adventure
URL: Chapter Five and Six
Critiqued by Lyle
Thank the fanfic gods that this is not TF:SHT. I’m still disgusted by what the author did last chapter. Today we get another chapter from “of wolf and woman,” which is just another type of stupid all together.
Last time we read this, Soise-Sue salivated all over Lucian’s pillow and Lucian brought her some breakfast meat. And neither of those things were done in a sexual way. Be grateful. Anyway, Lucian ran off to talk to someone who could answer some questions and Somersault was told she’s to stay put until he decides
how much he wants to fatten her up what do with her.
Thankfully these chapters, albeit horrendous, are short. Not much happens in each one, which allows me to keep a firm grip on my sanity each time I do one. Although I’ll be doubling up today, so hopefully I won’t get too twitchy.
*grabs her trusty sledgehammer*
Lucian finally got to his destination.
It would be nice to know what took him so long. Did he walk the whole way to [location] from [other location]?
As he walked by he greeted his loaned out kin.
That’s an odd sentence… “loaned out kin?” I didn’t realize that Lucian was loaning out his pack-
Wait. Is this author actually using Tanis? Lucian did give him a few lycans to act as bodyguards. This might be the first intelligent thing that’s happened yet. Tanis is a wealth of knowledge regarding vampire history, as well as other intel.
He walked up behind a man sorting through a pile of scrolls. “Tanis.” he said as the man jumped and turned.
Well, I’ll be God-damned. It is Tanis.
…But how did Lucian sneak up on a vampire? Both species have equally amazing hearing. I suppose if Tanis was preoccupied, though, it is feasible.
“Lucian, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Are you already low on UV rounds?” “No, I came here for some answers.” he replied. “Ah,”tanis nervously said “what kind of answers?” “I have recently come upon a woman being chased down by Death Dealers, I need to know why. She says her name is soise. What can you tell me?”
Sadly, this author never learns that a story should not be composed of one entire block of text.
Anyway, so we finally learn that IT was a Death Dealer, the warriors of the vampire covens. Now I can’t help but picture Death Dealers in clown make-up. It amuses me.
Nevermind. That’s terrifying. Let’s move on.
“Not much I’m afraid… Not much at all…” He hurriedly stated.
Subtle, Tanis. Subtle.
This guy is supposed to be in exile by the vampires for telling the truth about the origins of both vampire and werewolf blood lines, something the vampires wanted to keep hushed up since it essentially would put them on equal ground. He’s played the Underworld equivalent of Game of Thrones, working both sides to his advantage until he was finally caught and tossed under house-arrest… where he still managed to play both sides to his own advantage. I don’t really believe he would be acting so suspicious if he knew something about her and didn’t want to tell. Instead, he’d be working it to his advantage, bartering for some sort of payment for the information.
“hmm then I suppose you can do without my protection… I will show myself out and take my pack with me.” Lucian turned to walk out but tanis cried wait. ” I truly cannot tell you much but I will tell you what I know…”
I’m not entirely pleased with this, but I’ll let it go. I still think Tanis would have done a bit more bartering before just blurting it out. I mean, without him Lucian has no UV rounds and no vampire intel. Tanis has just as much leverage as Lucian does. But apparently gothicrocker is trying to turn Lucian into a Gary-Stu and his very presence is overriding Tanis’ natural inclination to jockey for better terms.
Lucian turned back around as tanis continued. ” She will bring her namesake. I can see by your confused look that you don’t yet know the meaning of her name. Soise means change –
In what language is Soise = change?
Google the word “Soise.” Go ahead, I’ll wait.
*picks at her cuticles, humming under her breath*
Oh, you’re back! Did you find anything remotely helpful? No? Me neither. You know why?
BECAUSE IT ISN’T A FUCKING WORD.
– and that is exactly what she will bring and exactly what the Death Dealers don’t want her and why they want her so bad.
They don’t want her but they want her. Tanis is an expert at vaguebooking. This sort of confusing and contradictory statement is a prime example of how proofreading is incredibly helpful before posting your works online (unless you want to have people make fun of your story, in which case you’re a troll and well played.)
If I were you, I would keep her close and protected for if she falls… The lycans fall. That is all I can say.”
*checks the Sue-meter*
We’ve hit “Vital to Survival of a Species” level. Holy hell.
Lucian looked at him thoughtfully then turned and started to walk out. “Very well I suppose knowing that tidbit is better than nothing.” With that Lucian walked out.
You’re not going to shake him up for more information?! The fuck is wrong with you, Lucian?!
*grabs him by the collar and shakes him vigorously* Like this, Lucian.
Oh, hey! A carriage return!
When Lucian walked back in to his hideout he asked if everything had gone smoothly and upon receiving a yes he nodded and walked to his room where soise was. He dismissed Payton and walked into the room to see soise curled up under the blankets and deep in sleep. He couldn’t help but to smile at the sight. She started murmuring in her her sleep and he could have sworn he heard his own name.
You have super-human hearing and you can’t discern if she said Lucian or Loofah? Really?
He moved closer to wake her and heard her murmur more clearly and he did in fact hear his name. He couldn’t help but to smile at that too.
Against his better judgement he leaned down and kissed her forhead.
Creepy, Lucian. Incredibly inappropriate and creepy as fuck. Seriously.
Lucian was confused. He hadn’t had these feelings since… with that thought he turned and walked out, deeply disturbed.
As we all are by you totally creeping on Salsa.
Ooo, another carriage return.
She didn’t know why but soise woke up with a smile she just couldn’t get rid of.
What ho? Another carriage return? Two in a chapter? Don’t hurt yourself, gothicrocker.
Sorry its so short but I figured a little tidbit would be better than nothing, aand… maybe some reviews would serve to inspire me further ;)
I really don’t like authors who beg for reviews. I don’t really mind author’s notes that serve a purpose (I tend to author note a lot but keep it to pertinent information and content warnings), especially if they are clearly marked and separated from the rest of the story so as not to interfere with the prose. But author’s notes that carry that note of desperate attention-whoring bug me. The only time I write one asking for input is if I seriously want some constructive feedback, then I ask for constructive feedback. Hell, one of the stories I wrote I didn’t ask for feedback until around Chapter 10, and that was something like 75,000 words into the story.
That’s all she wrote for chapter five. Only two more to go!
Let’s get chapter six knocked out while we’re at it.
*clicks to chapter six on ff.net*
Holy shit… this one is long by comparison to the other chapters. Whew. Sledge at the ready.
Sorry it took so long, but ive been crazy busy. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter.
Typical unattributed author’s note. Nothing terribly wrong with it other than a missed capitalization and a punctuation error.
Lucian walked back into the room about 3 hours later with a tray laden with cold meats, cheese, bread fresh from the oven, and a warm pot of tea.
*Leans on the sledgehammer and narrows her eyes*
Numerals in the prose. You’re using numerals in the prose. I’ll let this one slide, but do it again and you’ll be having a chat with my friend here.
*pats the sledge*
“Sleep well?” He said as he walked in the room.
Did he walk out of it and then back in again? You’re a lycan, Lucian, not a cat. Make up your mind about if you’re in or out.
Soise started and turned to look at him. She was still sittting on the bed and was so deep in thought she hadn’t even heard the door open. “yes I did. Thank you.”
Oblivious much? Although with how much a creeper Lucian has been lately, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was trying to be sneaky about entering the room.
He set the tray down on the bed. “Well then. I brought some more of your, as you say, medieval fare.” He said with a wink. He didnt know why but it pleased him to see her blush.
Lucian likes making people uncomfortable. And he seems to smile an unnatural amount compared to his character portrayal in the movie.
It kind of makes me wonder if gothicrocker grew up on a mixture of McDonald’s Happy Meals and Chef Boyardee to think that meat, cheese, bread, and tea is medieval. It sounds a lot like a tasty party tray to me.
“Do you mind having some company?” “No, not at all.” Soise stammered, as she scooted over to make room for him.
Are there no chairs in this room? Is “bed picnic” really a necessity?
She guessed that had been his intention, seeing how heavily laden with food the tray was.
At least she isn’t going to try to eat it all herself.
Lucian sat down and picked up a thick slab out beef.
What kind of beef?
“So…” they both started saying at the same time and apologized with a smile. Lucian let her talk first. “About me staying here…” Lucian cut her off and stated with a slight hint of irritation, “yes, after speaking with …a friend of mine, I have decided that I will keep you here, under my protection.”
You apologize for trying to talk at the same time but interrupt her, annoyed? That’s horribly inconsistent, isn’t it?
Now it was Soise’s turn to get irrritated. “You’ve decided! And do I have no say in this? You spoke with your friend about what to do with me, but did you stop and consider what I want? What if I wanted to leave hmm? Would you force me to stay here against my will?”
I’m guessing the answer to that is “yes.”
Lucian rose from off the bed, anger quickly boiling to the surface. “Yes I would… If only to insure the saftey of my pa…those that follow me.” He turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
Wow, overreaction of the century. Quick anger like that points to our writer probably being either almost a teenager or just barely a teenager. It seems that writers that age have no idea how conversation and adult interaction works and believe everyone has a hair trigger and anger issues.
The moment he left the room his anger calmed and he regretted what he said.
That was equally fast. gothicrocker has no concept of realistic human (or lycan, as the case may be) emotion.
He honestly didn’t stop to think about what she wanted. He was thinking of his packs saftey and hers as well.
She’s some random chick. Your pack is your family. Of course you weren’t thinking about what she wants.
Why did he get so angry at the thought of her leaving?
He had only known her for a matter of days, but the thought of her leaving had insantly dampened his good mood, and without meaning to he had yelled at her.
Well obviously you meant to if you did it. “I didn’t mean it” is often a cop-out to try to prevent yourself from coming off as the asshole in the situation. Sorry, Lucian, but you’re still the asshole in this situation.
He walked to his office and sat down at his black oak desk and after a moment, slammed his fist against it and laid his head in his hands.
Oh woes you for getting angry at the Sue.
I’m guessing this non-fight is the author’s way of trying to inject some “drama” into their stale and non-interesting romance.
Back in her room, Soise was trying to ignore the angry tears threatning to fall. How dare he say he was going to force her to stay! She could understand wanting to protect his people, but what of her? He hadn’t even cared what she wanted. And though she wouldn’t admit it, it hurt her to know that she mattered so little in his opinion.
My care-o-meter is at zero, Sandlewood. There’s been absolutely no development of a relationship between them. I have no reason to be upset that they’re all pissy at each other like overly emotional pre-teens.
With a quick wipe of her eyes she stood up, having made her decision.
I thought the tears were only threatening to fall. I guess she’s going to cry about it anyway. How useful you are, Sleigh-ride.
She would be leaving tonight whether or not he liked it. She remembered hearing him dismiss the man that was standing at the door. Quietly she gathered up some of the food in a large napkin that had been left, and with great cation, snuck out of the room and started down the hallway.
As she passed through the hall, which was almost eerily silent, she spotted a large stone window.
Almost eerily silent, except for the Mission Impossible theme playing in the background…
Why is there a large window? If this is taking place between the first and second movies, Lucian’s pack should be deep in the Hungarian underground. There are no windows underground.
Soise stopped to peer out of it and found herself shocked at how high up she was.
The fuck is she doing high up?! I get the impression you haven’t actually seen the movies, gothicrocker.
It would be harder than she thought to sneak out of lucian’s hideout.
How does she know that this is his “hideout” and not his home? Have they spoken extensively about the fact that he’s in hiding because he’s supposed to be dead? I didn’t think so.
She followed the long dark hallway, occasionally seeing candles lit and fixed to the wall. “Bunch of good those do.” she muttered to herself as she stumbled down the stone corridor. She held in a scream as she tripped and fell towards the stairs she hadn’t seen till now. Instead she let out a loud “oomph” as she landed on something hard, but confusingly not the ground.
*cringes at the grammar*
Oh dear, God, that is more awkwardly put together than a 14 year old boy.
Soise looked up to see a weathered face looking down at her. She hurried out of the hags outstretchedarm that had caught her.
If you landed ON the hag, how are you looking up at her? You seem to have forgotten to mention some standing up that’s supposed to have happened in all this.
All the hag did though was give an almost toothless grin, put her bent and bony finger to her withered lips, and let out a silent shh and walked down the stairs and out of sight almost as fast as she appeared. “pretty fast for someone that old…” Soise thought to herself. She continued down the stairs as quietly, and as carefully as she could till she reached the main hall.
Stop using ’till.’ You’re just being fucking lazy. The word you want is “until.” A till is where you put the money at a store.
And how does she know it’s the main hall she’s reached? Let’s talk a little about perspective, shall we?
*smacks the author upside the head*
If you’re writing from a character’s point of view like this, you have to act like you don’t know anything she wouldn’t know. She is in a strange place, looking for an exit. She doesn’t know the layout of the strange, tall building the author has created in lieu of the canonical underground hideout. But somehow she knows that she’s in the main hallway? That’s hardly believable and looses you credibility. (We are ignoring the fact that gothicrocker’s credibility was gone within the first two sentences).
It was a very large room with a single large wood table loaded down with food, meat mainly, in the center.
That sounds more like a banquet room, not a main hall. Main halls usually contain carpet runners and coat racks.
On the walls were aged and torn banners from centuries long passed.
I’m so confused. Does this not take place at the end of the first movie? Or did Lucian seriously run her all the way from the Hungarian underground to some ancient castle in Middle of Nowheresville?
She was amazed at her luck, not a single soul was down there. She crept as silently as she could to the doors and cringed a little as it announced its opening with a loud creak. Still no one came running, she she slipt out the door and rushed on her way.
On her way to where exactly? Is she in the country? In a giant-ass castle in a city? If she doesn’t even know where she is it would be prudent to examine your surroundings for clues before dashing off into the unknown with only a slice of cheese wrapped up in a your hobo-stick apparatus.
Oh, hey! A carriage return!
After a while Lucian lifted his head and made his decision.
To hell with Susan! Let’s feed her to the pack and be done with!
He would go apoligize to her. He couldn’t let her leave either, but he would apologize for being so angry with her. He stood up and started to walk to his bedroom that he had her in.
As opposed to the bedroom of his he decided not to keep her in? How many bedrooms does he have if we need to be told that we’re going to that specific bedroom? I guess if it is a big-ass castle, he could have multiple bedrooms, but really, what’s the point in that?
With a sharp jolt to his chest, he realized the door was wide open.
Sharp jolt to his chest? Did he run into the edge of the open door?
He ran in to see where she was, but she was nowhere to be seen.
She was angry and you left the door unlocked and unguarded. How is this a surprise? Here’s a thought, Lucian:
YOU’RE A FUCKING LYCAN. SNIFF OUT HER SCENT AND FOLLOW THE FUCKING TRAIL.
Lucian ran out of the room to where his pack was to discover her whereabouts. They all jabbered on about a crone calling them. He turned away frustrated and furious.
He would save the tounge lashing for letting her get away go till later, his first priority was to find her before she got hurt.
It’s your own bloody fault she escaped, moron. Blaming your pack, regardless of whatever stupid and non-nonsensical excuse they handed you, is not within your character. You only blame them when they actually fuck things up.’
Ooo, carriage return! The author has gotten all crazy with the spaces! Now if only she always used them when appropriate.
Kione could not belive his luck.
Who? And what is he doing to his luck?
It would appear that the author has chosen a real name this time. What it is doing in Hungary, though, I couldn’t tell you. Kione is a gender-neutral name meaning “comes from nowhere” that has its origins in Africa. But at least it is a real name.
There was the girl walking out from Lucians ungaurded. He followed her through the dark woods for a bit to make sure she was truly alone. Sure enough she was.
Oh, hey! We’re in the woods!
Okay, here’s the thing. Underworld takes place in Budapest, Hungary. The nearest forest is about five miles away from the center of the city, and it’s considered a park. And I don’t think there are any random castles hanging around in it, unless Google Maps has failed to notice them. Did Lucian seriously carry her, sprinting, five miles through town to get to his secret castle hangout? And that’s if we assume he’s stationed in the nearest woodlands. Otherwise, it’s miles and miles out of the way to get to secluded forest.
Here’s a map, for reference:
That shows an approximate west-east distance of 80 miles, so 40 miles on either side of Budapest. All that light green? Farm lands. The dark green is forests. See how far away the real forests are? About 20 miles, ish. Unless I’m truly mistaken about when and where the first couple chapters took place, it is way beyond believable that he would carry her sorry ass that far just to find out who she was.
Soise heard rustling bushes and walked faster. She imagined how furious Lucian would be when he found out she left. Her foot snagged on a root and as she fell she heard a rather menacing laugh behind her.
Before she could even think to run, he was on her. With an ice cold hand over her mouth Kione whispered, “Now now little girl… stay calm and do as I say and you may yet live. Cross me and this will be your last breath.” Never being one to listen or give up, she bit his hand and screamed at the top of her lungs. The scream startled kione, and soise took the opportunity to run. She ran all of 20 feet before getting struck in the head. Her last thought before she blacked out was that she was a damn fool.
For once, we agree.
So the african vampire (we all know that’s what he is) has captured her with only one short chapter left to riff. I think I’ll leave it at that for now.
See you next week!