908: Life with Raptors – Chapter ThreePosted: December 17, 2014
Welcome back to Life with Raptors, where the plot’s made up and the characters don’t matter.
Last week on Raptor and I, another raptor required a medical visit; this time due to swallowing an empty soda can.
“I am deeply embarrassed for these raptors.”
Not much else happened, actually. The sue bumbles in, throws her balls around to distract the other raptors, does a quick sodacanectomy, and leaves. That’s pretty much it. Nedry makes a quick pseudo-appearance, but it’s forgettable and doesn’t really go anywhere or establish anything important beyond May being a shallow asshole.
Meanwhile, much later:
Chapter 3: Guests, and attacks, with a side of rescuing/kidnapping
OH GODS, THE CHAPTER TITLE! IT BURNS!
“MAY! GET UP!” Arnold yelled over the radio. I jumped out of bed and landed on my butt on the floor.
“If you ever need to do this for your employees, then you need better hiring practices.”
“What?” I growled as I tried to fix my hair.
And if this is how your employees respond, then you need to reevaluate your retention practices.
“John’s Grandkids, those paleontologists, that mathematician, and the lawyer, are all arriving today for a tour of the park!” Arnold said angrily. My body froze.
“Uh…right…s-sorry.” I said before getting ready.
And why is that important? May is the incompetent veterinary intern, not park guest relations. I’d say that maybe Hammond needs some baby-sitting done, but I wouldn’t even be comfortable letting May watch my cat for more than a few minutes.
Another shower, dried off, brushed my teeth, got my clothes ready.
Wait, another shower? How many showers do you need in the morning?
“Personally, I don’t even think about beginning my day until I’ve had three or four.”
Wait, is that why the gas bill has been so high recently!?
But there was one key thing I would need today: My lucky Velociraptor claw.
Once again I ask: Why?
I found it on a vacation with my parents while we were in Mongolia, and ever since, I’ve loved dinosaurs, mostly Velociraptors, which is why I’m never ACTUALLY mad when I go to take of the alpha.
Which is probably why they’re always sending you. You’re the only idiot who will actually go into a live raptor cage and be happy about it.
“Well, will you look at that, she got the country of origin for the Velociraptor correct.”
That she did. However, she’s neglecting the fact that removing a dinosaur fossil from China without authorization is a pretty big crime. Now, Velociraptor claws are relatively common so buying one in a Chinese market is probably within reason, if unlikely to be legal, but just snagging one up off the ground and leaving with it is a huge no-no.
“Further evidence that May is not a very good person.”
I put the claw in my pocket and sighed. I’m going to need all the luck I could get.
Avoiding Chinese authorities? Yeah, they don’t give up, do they?
I was going on that tour around the park, Gerry said he would handle the dinosaurs on his own. I didn’t believe that.
WHY!? Whose idea was that? Why are they letting the veterinary intern lead the tour!? In the movie Hammond leads most of the tour personally before eventually turning it over to the automated jeep system because it’s such a critical tour to the future of the island! It was drastically important that the tour go well because he needed some authorities to endorse the island. If you’re going to tweak cannon to make that May’s job (and let me tell you, you’re going to need to really, really convince me that Hammond would let somebody else do it), you need way more justification than: “Because Sue!”
I’d complain that the first scene was token and unnecessary, but it does establish a flaw with the Mary Sue: She’s consistently tardy and can’t be trusted to value her work enough to be punctual to a critically important tour of the facility that she is leading.
“SO WHY THE HECK ARE THEY LETTING HER LEAD THE TOUR!?”
I was sleeping soundly when Ellie started to nudge my side to get me up. It wasn’t working.
“Do all the Raptor and I clones feature characters who have a hard time getting out of bed?”
“That’s quite disheartening.”
So she proceeded to kick me. “OW!” I growled as her claw managed to break my scales. “Fine. I’m up…” I growled as I stood up.
“Sorry, Seth. But today’s THE day of our escape.” She said to me. I smiled.
Which won’t happen until the storm hits late this evening. So, you know, feel free to sleep in.
“Ellie is just being a jerk at this point.”
Maybe. I’m a hard fellow to get out of bed, so I can relate to being grumpy even when I request being woken up earlier than I’d actually get out of bed by myself.
“And I will have my alpha female today as well…” I said under my breath.
“I see the characterization of Sorin is still there under the hood.”
And by “glad” you mean…
“Terrified and disillusioned.”
But Ellie sighed. “Seth…maybe you should…Give up on that, she’s not a velociraptor, she’s a human.” Ellie said, but I shook my head.
Listen to the woman!
“She speaks much sense!”
“I don’t care. Either way, raptor or human, she will be part of the pack.” I said as I lay down at the place where humans could only exit and enter and looked out. “My human…” I said under my breath.
“You do realize that having a mate entails more than just having her in your pack, right? Even ignoring the requirement for intercourse and procreation, which their incompatible biology precludes in this case, as an alpha she would actually have to keep order among the females. Seeing as she lacks the natural weapons of the raptors, I couldn’t see that ending well.”
That didn’t stop Rae from-
“Do NOT finish that sentence.”
“Guys, I think Seth doesn’t get it.” Ellie said to Austin, Max, and Lily.
I guess Ellie is the token voice of reason for the fic, then.
“At least this fic has once.”
Raptor and I had one. Well, until Rae-
“Are you trying to get eaten?”
“Said the raptor who thought that lizard in our exhibit was destined to be your mate.” Max said.
“My shame at the tenuous connection to these “raptors” is growing by the second.”
If it makes you feel better, technically I’m the same species as the author.
“Actually, that rather does.”
“I was young.” Ellie whined.
Tension through whining. It’s been several days since I last saw that.
“Like, since last Wednesday.”
Not quite as far back if you count reading the other fics we post on the site.
“…That was the day before you swallowed that shiny thing.” Lily said.
“Uh…How about we act like this never happened?” Ellie suggested. Everyone just nodded, and lay in wait.
*Taco checks the script*
Well, here it is right here: ‘Raptors to be played by dense preteens.’
“Ugh, terrible casting decision.”
“Yay, another point of view tag!”
I watched as the helicopter landed, carrying Dr. Grant, Dr. Sattler, Dr Malcolm, and Mr. Hammond.
Yay, scene regurgitation!
“Well, at least she doesn’t mention all the guys in pink shirts running around.”
“Here, near the end of this:”
Well, I’ll be damned.
It was about twenty minutes later that they arrived.
Wha? But she just watched it land! With as deep and tortuous as the run into the helipad is, there’s no way that helicopter could land twenty minutes away and still have her be able to see it.
“The helicopter must have landed in some kind of highly-localized time dilation.”
And Mr. Hammond was ambushed by his two grandkids.
It’s a shame to see a man cut down in his prime of life by two grandchildasaruses.
*Eliza shakes her head*
“I don’t know about you sometimes.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. I introduced myself, and the doctors didn’t seem to mind me being along for the trip.
That’s nice. Why are you on this tour, again?
But before I got into the jeep. I had to bring something to Mr. Hammond’s attention “Uh. Mr. Hammond? I think you should know that Dennis tried to…hurt one of the raptors.” I said to him.
To be fair, that is kind of important. Not true to canon, but important to bring to somebody’s attention if its happening, though going right to Hammond is probably not a good way to respect the chain of command. If nothing else, your boss is probably going to be pissed that you didn’t say anything to him. However, do you know what’s more important?
“The male dinosaurs?”
THE FUCKING MALE DINOSAURS!
“How so?” He asked. All I had to do was hold up the soda can.
And? Are you going to hold it up? The audience would love to see those kinds of things.
“I’ll deal with him later. But for now, just go on the tour, relax for today.” He said.
GAH! Why is she on this tour!? Clearly she’s been here long enough that people trust her to go into enclosures by herself, so why is she here!?
“Because plot regurgitation?”
I smiled and went down to the two jeeps, discarding the soda can into a trash can on my way down.
“Now who’s the jerk?”
The tour went smoothly, but the only thing seen was a sick Triceratops.
That is about the shortest recap of the first 45 minutes of the movie I think I’ve ever seen.
I offered to help, but Dr. Sattler said she would stay, so the tour continued on without her.
Yes, gods forbid that the person already familiar with the park stay and help while the guest continues to tour the park. Way better the other way around.
Author, one simple question: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?
Then, we came to the Tyrannosaurus exhibit. And lucky for me with what would be happening later, I was with Tim, Lex, and the lawyer.
“Hold on, we’ll try to draw the Tyrannosaurus out.” Arnold’s voice came over the jeep’s radio.
“Everyone do the plot regurgiation dance!”
*Eliza jumps up on the snark desk and starts doing an English Jig.*
You’re an embarrassment to all top predators.
“True, but they don’t have nearly as much fun.”
We saw a goat come out of the dispenser. And then a conversation about lamb chops and Lex being a vegan.
Look, if you’re not going to rebuild the scene with any amount of effort, don’t send your self-insert on the tour. I mean, if you’re going to be lazy, just skip the scene entirely; that saves a lot more effort.
Then, when it seemed hopeless.
I think you forgot at least half.
“So did you, Taco. You didn’t finish that sentence.”
Thanks, Eliza, that was indeed the joke.
The power shut off as a storm hit.
Is that supposed to be a counterpoint to things seeming hopeless?
“Maybe she thrives on chaos and discord?”
Well, she is rather evil, I suppose.
It would probably come back on when the storm passed, but there was a problem.
Ah yes, the T-rex.
“With as unimportant as she was a few minutes ago, I’m surprised the author even remembered. Maybe we should get her out of there.”
No, one T-rex is plenty.
“Gumdrop will be so disappointed.”
Anyway, from here the scene with the T-rex escaping and attacking the jeep is poorly regurgitated. It’s exactly the same except that May is there with the two kids instead of them being by themselves. So yeah, totally pointless.
Meanwhile, with the jerk.
I climbed up and slowly touched the hollow pipe. No shock.
Well, electrified plumbing isn’t exactly what I’d go with, but if you’re gonna electrify something, I suppose the plumbing is certainly an option.
“Good thing porcelain is a poor conductor.”
How do you know that?
Wait, why do you know that!?
“No reason. Just be careful around the pipes on sub-level 53, kay?”
I smirked, wrapped my hand around the pipe, and pulled.
AUTHORS! KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE SMIRKING!
“So, he finds a metal pipe and yanks on it? That was his plan? To pull with his little raptor arms on a large metal object and hope for the best?”
Still better than Sorin’s plan.
“Not by much.”
I then managed to break my out, head first, and landed on the metal ground, I turned and counted my pack.
Of course it worked; Stu status confirmed.
“I wonder if those other three got out.” Lily pondered as we climbed down onto the dirt.
“I suppose turning around to see if the rest of your pack made it out okay is too much to ask.”
“If they did, we have trouble.” Max inquired.
Oh, Lily must have meant the other pack. You know, the one that’s never been mentioned before now.
“I hope I don’t have a doppleganger in this fic. A girl can only take so much.”
It was then that roaring was heard, and screams, I could barely make out my human’s voice.
Uh, the raptor pens were nowhere near the T-rex enclosure.
*Eliza checks the script*
“May is to be played by Sean Cassidy.”
Now that’s just good casting.
“COME ON! HURRY!” I commanded as I ran to where the screams and roars were coming from, my pack following.
At least this time there’s a reason for the pack to hurry. In Raptor and I the pressing matter was to procure territory that they wouldn’t have any competition for.
We arrived quickly to see a weird dinosaur flipped on its back and being torn apart by a large two legged dinosaur.
Eh, that’s fair. No reason to believe the raptors would know what either of those things are.
“Also, no reason to believe they would know what a dinosaur was, given that they’ve only ever experienced each other, the occasional food cow, and their monkey caretakers.”
Hmm, true. They’d probably see it as a large raptor eating a strange cow.
Mud was seeping into very large wounds, and inside, were three humans, one of them mine!
Finally! We’re getting a change to the canon plot! Maybe we’ll finally have some AU in one of these AU fics.
“This fic isn’t labeled as AU.”
“MY HUMAN!” I screeched. Without thinking, I charged out at the large dinosaur and leapt onto it. Causing it to roar and shake.
I sank my teeth and claws into it. My pack followed suit.
“Well, either it’s AU, or AH77 just moved the scene from near the end of the movie to near the middle.”
I’m not sure I like either of those possibilities.
“Buy me time while I rescue my human!” I said to Max. He nodded and I leapt off.
The author gets a redemption cookie if May misconstrues his rescue attempt as an attack.
“Two if she shoots him.”
Oh man, that would be awesome!
I looked into the jeep, seeing to adolescent humans screaming at the sight of me, and my human, knocked out, unconscious.
She was knocked out by…?
I grabbed her green scales and pulled her out of the weird dinosaur and dragged her into the trees nearby, the rest of my pack following.
And the T-rex right behind them.
“So that’s why they call him Crunchy!”
Maybe. Crunchy lies about his past a lot, so getting eaten by a T-rex is as good a theory as any.
Wow, four POV tags in one post. It’s like a buffet of setting!
We screamed as the T-Rex lifted its head and started to knock into the jeep again. But this time, it rammed it!
Dude, watch those pronouns. I don’t want to have to issue a citation?
I’m an honorary junior officer of Their Pronoun People.
“Now you’re making stuff up.”
The jeep flipped over, and we held on for dear life. We landed in the mud, and the T-Rex started to crush it and pull it apart.
“Oh that poor mud.”
Mud deserves it, that jerk is always trying to sneak into my house and mess up the floor.
I feared for my life, when all of a sudden, something heavy hit my head, and I was out cold.
DAMN YOU, PLOT!
“That was easily second degree assault there, buddy. We’re watching you, plot.”
I awoke a little bit later, and the last thing I saw before I was out again, was a pair of amber eyes staring down at me.
That T-rex is sure taking her sweet time.
“They like to relish their meals. Have you seen Gumdrop eat ice cream?”
Yes. Sadly I didn’t remember to wear the poncho.
(Don’t you just hate uber aggressive T-Rexes?
“I think it’s supposed to be an author’s note.”
Why is she speaking at us in raptor?
“Fills the time, I guess.”
Oh well. Interestingly enough, AH77 isn’t wrong here. The T-Rex in cannon is supernaturally aggressive toward the jeeps, especially after having just consumed a whole goat. Not to mention there’s no way for it to have known the electricity was out or any reason for it to suddenly decide to test the fence. Crichton needed a monster and the T-rex was a great candidate. So long long as you don’t stop and think about how outlandish the attack is.
“You’re really a buzz-kill sometimes, Taco.”
Anyway. May has been taken by Seth, what will happen?
Having riffed Raptor and I, I can certainly guess.
“Please don’t, they’re depressingly accurate.”
Next time: Pack life? Or try and find help?)
“It’s like she’s not even trying to come up with her own material.”
Based on what we’ve read, she isn’t.
“Well, good! I’d hate to think she wasted any effort in such a failed attempt.”
And with that, chapter three comes to a close! Until next week, patrons!