901: of wolf and woman – Chapter FourPosted: December 8, 2014
Title: of wolf and woman
Genre: Romance / Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by Lyle
Well, hello there! I’m back! I’m sorry for vanishing but with NaNoWriMo going on, my time was incredibly sapped. I succeeded, though, and have written my story. The first draft is completely done. Huzzah! and all that jazz.
Now, let’s get on with the riff. Today I’ll be jumping back into “of wolf and woman,” a teeth-grindingly OOC encounter between Lucian of Underworld and a Sue who’s name is barely pronounceable but probably sounds like Susie, if the character lived in Chicago.
Last time in this crapfic, Lucian took her back to wherever his pack happens to be hiding in The Formless Void of Nothingness, and then Sauerkraut and Lucian had a deep heart-to-heart about Lucian’s entire back story, even though they’d just met. That’s about it.
Just as before, our author does not know how to use carriage returns to start new paragraphs when appropriate and all dialogue is mushed together regardless of which character is speaking. There are a total of two carriage returns in this chapter. One is used to separate scenes. The other is to separate the end of the chapter from an unmarked author’s note.
*hefts her sledgehammer* Let’s break this bitch up!
As Lucian hurried out, Soise was left to wonder about what lucian would not say and why it upset him so much.
Last chapter Lucian was muttering something to himself aloud that he didn’t want to share with her because apparently his internal monologue was broken.
After a couple minutes of trying to figure it out and coming up with nothing, she resigned herself to studying the room.
Yes, because merely thinking about someone you have just met that you really don’t know will provide you with the answers you seek regarding his mysterious mutterings. Of course you didn’t come up with anything, you twat.
It was a rather plain looking room with stone walls and without windows, but it did have some touches of class here and there.
Wait. Wait, wait. Are we… are we getting description of the scene?!
There was a long rectangular wooden table with papers scattered on it, with black velvet seated wooden chairs.
We are getting a description of the scene! Holy monkey shit!
On a bookshelf with a surprising lack of books sat a bronze candelabra sat on top of it.
I didn’t say it was a good description.
So there’s a bookshelf on top of a candelabra on top of a book shelf? Or is it a candelabra on top of a bookshelf on top of a candelabra?
The bed was dressed in black satin covers and pillows.
Oh great. Inanimate object clothing prOn.
She noticed now how the bed had a lingering trace of lucians scent.
From the other side of the room? Or are you getting all up in the sheets with your nose? If you can smell his bed from across the room either he needs a bath or needs to lay off the cologne.
“Like woods and spice.” she thought.
Without thinking she pulled the pillow to her nose and inhaled his scent.
Creepy, Somersault. Creepy.
She found she rather liked his scent, it comforted her. The door creaked open and she hurredly put the pillow back as Lucian walked back in with a tray laden with thich slabs of cold ham and what looked like roast beef, a warm bread roll and a cup of tea.
Looked like, but wasn’t?
“Here we are. I hope you have an appitite.” he said as he placed the tray on the bed infront of her.
Nice of you to assume she’s a carnivore, Lucian. Of course, you’re a carnivore so I guess the assumption is natural.
“I am, thank you.” She giggled to herself for a moment, making lucian give her a confused look.
Randomly giggling over being served breakfast meat would confuse me as well, Lucian.
“oh sorry, this just reminds me of the books I used to read. Its so… medieval.” she said giggling again.
…sliced ham and roast beef is medieval? What?
“And what kind of books where those?” Soise blushed then replied “hisorical romance novels.”
Why are you embarrassed by that? Only those immature enough to handle sex are embarrassed by reading about romance and sex.
It would appear Sanitizer is under-age, Lucian. Back away. Back away quickly.
She looked down at the tray again to avoid his eyes. She had always been embarassed about her almost obsession with romance novels.
Why? Explain yourself!
Don’t make me use this.
Lucian hid a grin and sat down in one of the chairs as soise started eating. He crossed his legs and put his hand to his chin.
Creepy, Lucian. Creepy.
“So… I must decide what I am to do with you.”
I figured, based on the hefty amount of fatty food you brought her, you’re trying to fatten her up for lycan noms. No?
She looked up from her food to give him a questioning look. “I have caused you enough trouble already… I will just leave.” she said nervously.
Good plan! A sound plan. Let’s go with that, then. Skippy eats, leaves, and the story ends. Everyone’s happy!
Lucian shook his head and replied “There is no leaving. Not until I know why they are after you. Not only for your own sake, but for me and my pack…I mean groups safety.”
No… no, pack is an appropriate term. Unless you’re trying to avoid telling her that you’re a werewolf. In which case, that’s a bit of a slip for someone as cautious as Lucian to make. He’s not so loose-tongued as to blab all that to a stranger.
She looked at him even more confused then before.
We get it. Everyone is confused. Including your readers as to why they are still reading this shit.
Soise opened her moth to question him but he stood and walked out of the room muttering that he needed to speak with someone.
Wow, rude much, Lucian? And breakfast time is not an appropriate time to work on insect dissections, Simba. Put the moth away and eat your
She sighed and returned to her food. Would he never trust her?
What possible reason have you given him to trust you? Why would it even be remotely important for him to trust you?
*slaps Schwarzenegger upside the head*
This concerned her as well and she wanted to him walking out like was getting very annoying.
What? I think we just so many times with sentence not right.
Oh, hey! A carriage return!
Lucian walked into the room where his pack was. “Payton!” he called.
Now, in the Underworld series, very few of the lycans are actually named. There’s maybe four or five that have names, and that’s stretching it. The only important ones are Raze and Lucian, and that doctor no one can remember the name of that helps Lucian with his experiments. You know… the creepy one.
Anyway, my point is that it’s fully acceptable to make up names for lycans in Underworld fics because there just aren’t very many identified. So though I tease about Payton, it isn’t a bad name to stick on an OC lycan.
“yes lucian?” Payton approaced him and lucian continued, “Gaurd the door to my room. Let no one in or out. Is that understood?”
And if she escapes, go ahead and eat her. She’ll probably taste like ham.
Payton replied yes then walked off to gaurd the door. “As for the rest of you I will be back shortly.” He walked out of the shelter and cautiously moved to find the one person who would have the information he sought, for he always did.
Hmmmm, the one person who had answers for Lucian?
I can only hope it would be so easy, though. I really doubt the author is referring to this guy, even though he’s the vampire’s historian who has been playing both sides. It’s probably some OC named Frank.
Hope you guys have enjoyed so far. Another chapter is coming soon. And please review, it helps to inspire me.
Considering it would take me less than ten minutes to pump out a chapter the length of the ones you write, I don’t see why it would be a terribly long wait at all. Maybe you should try posting longer chapters-
The hell am I saying? Go for short. It makes my life easier to take this in small doses.
See you all next week!