891: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter IX



Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter IX
Critiqued by Ghostcat (with special guest Ishi)



Hello, my darling Patrons!


Wait, why does the “critiqued by” field say Ishi is here?

“Because I am.”


:Ghostie falls off chair:

Frickin’ ninjas. Sensei, what are you doing here?

“The honorable liaison has tasked me with keeping an eye on you today. Shinobi-san fears a repeat of yesterday’s … incident.”

I said I was sorry. Who knew cellphones were so flammable?

“One does not normally place one’s handphone in the microwave, Ghostcat-sama.”

I couldn’t figure out how to change the ringtone. It irked me.

“Shinobi-san politely requests that you limit such activities to your own handphone in the future.”

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, there’s only a few chapters left in this fic, and I am still patiently waiting for something to happen.  The last chapter was big disappointment, with nothing but a passionless reunion between Man-Candy and Rosaline/Rosalina to show for it. Oh, and Luna got shit-faced at the bar. That’s pretty much everything.

On to the chapter!

Luna woke up the next morning lying in her bed with a skull-cracking headache.

:Ishi gives Ghostie ‘The Look’:

Hey, I had nothing to do with it!

“If you say so, Ghostcat-sama.”

I don’t care for your tone, sensei.

“You do have a certain … reputation within the Library.”

Hmmm. ‘Tis true, but this time it’s Luna’s own fault. She has done this kind of thing before and Luke even warned her about the consequences. She has no one to blame except herself.

Luke had warned her what would happen if she drank too much Dark Mist, and as always he was right.

“Apparently the prose is aware of this, even if Luna-chan herself is not.”

Really, this hangover should come as no surprise to anyone.

She hated the fact that he was correct about the side effects of over drinking the Dark Mist liquid.

:Ghostie headdesks:

Wakarimasen; I do not understand. Why is Luna-chan upset because her friend is right about properties of this beverage that she herself is aware of?”

Because she’s an idiot who doesn’t want to accept responsibility for her actions.

Luna felt as if a dagger was plunged into her brain, and her whole body felt like it was going to fall apart.

And don’t forget that lovely taste in your mouth that can only be described as ‘similar to licking the floor of a public restroom.’

“I would liken it to gargling with week-old dishwater.”

Meh; poe-tay-to, poe-tah-to. But I bet she will bounce right out of bed and move around like nothing’s wrong.

She glanced at the digital alarm clock next to her on her bedside table, and noticed that it was ten o’clock in the morning.

Ooh! An indication as to what the tech level of this village is! And it only took two-thirds of the fic to get it!

“Apologies, but if this village has no paved roads, electric lights, or other modern conveniences, how can a luxury item like this clock manage to function?”

Huh. I guess it could be battery-powered, but then there’s the question of where the batteries would come from. I’m just going to chalk it up to inconsistencies.

Another side effect of drinking too much Dark Mist was that she would sleep for twelve hours straight after passing out.

Kind of weird that her internal clock is so precise every time this happens.

“It should not be; extenuating circumstances such as Luna-chan’s exhaustion levels or her current physical health should affect how long she is unconscious.”

It could be one of the drink’s other properties, although I’m not sure how useful a beverage that can replenish spirits of darkness as well as knocking you out for exactly twelve hours could be.

Luna knew for a fact that she had passed out around ten o’clock last night.

Well, duh. If it is ten in the morning now and you pass out for exactly twelve hours, that would make it ten the previous evening.

“It is a matter of simple arithmetic, really.”

She despised that she had slept and stayed in bed for that long period of time.

You’re sixteen, so I call bullshit on that.

“Apologies, but if she has such a strong dislike for sleeping for such a length of time, then why did she overindulge in the Black Mist beverage? Luna-chan was aware of what would happen if she did, and she was even warned by the incompetent Luke-kun that she would sleep that long.”

It seems that Luna’s not very bright.

Luna loved sleeping as much as the next person,

Provided the ‘next person’ is one of those annoyingly chipper morning people who never seem to sleep.

“The clan offers a discount on those.”

:makes note: Good to know.

but she would rather be working at the Sushi & Bar restaurant, working at Jade’s flower shop,

“The young one would prefer to work rather than sleep?”

Maybe’s she’s a robot.

or training to be a Samurai Sister or something like that.

That I can understand getting out of bed for, since becoming a Sister is something she wants to do rather than something she has to do.

“Apologies, but what is the difference?”

Well, if it’s something that you do because you enjoy it, then you’re more eager and willing to do it. For most, work is something you are obligated to do and even the best job in the world can be a little difficult to face in the morning. If I had a choice between getting up and going to work or getting up and doing something fun, I’d pick the fun thing.

:Ishi clears his throat:

Okay, okay; so I’d actually rather stay in bed and read a book, but you get the idea.

Staying in bed all day long wasn’t her idea of a great way to spend her time.

“It would depend on who shares the bed with you.”


As she sat up she began to get feeling back in her arms and legs.

Wait, what?

“Apologies, but I do not remember the prose saying that her body was numb.”

It didn’t, quite the opposite in fact. She’s supposed to be feeling like her body’s falling apart.

There was a little bottle of medicine sitting on her bedside table next to her digital alarm clock. A sticky note was attached to the bottle written in Jade’s handwriting.

Digital clocks and Post-it notes made the cut, but not lightbulbs or paved roads.

“I do not think this village has the proper priorities.”

The note said: Luna, take two of these pills after you wake up.

Don’t take the red pill!

“Have a leech instead!”

Dude! :smacks Ishi’s arm: I’ve told you – no leeches in the Riffing Chamber! :points to sign above door: This is a designated No-Leech Zone!

“But I was only …”

Put them away. Now!

They are Aura Tablets I bought from Madam Alicia that heal any illness or injury.



“I must call it … What is the word you use, osuushi no kuso?”


Hai, that is the bullshit. Not even the healing gifts of the leeches can cure all afflictions. This panacea would at best be a placebo.”

I dunno; magic works here so it could be magical medicine.

I can see two basic scenarios rising from this; these Aura Tablets are incredibly rare/expensive in which case it’s stupid to waste them on a hangover, or they are as common as dirt and everyone carries them around and pops them like breath mints at the first hint of a sniffle.

“It is a pity that Jewel-san did not think to bring a bottle with her when she met Jacob-kun, it would have preserved her energies for more important tasks.”

It’s almost as if the author is making this up as she goes.

Meet me downstairs after you get out of bed. Love, Jade. Luna opened the bottle, placed two of the Aura Tablets into her mouth, and washed them down with a glass of water.

That suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

“Perhaps she summoned it with her water powers.”

Wrong Sue, this is the darkness spirit/ninja-knockoff one.

“Ah. They are difficult to tell apart.”

Yeah, tell me about it.

So Jade, who owns and operates a business, is just going to hang around the house all day waiting for her sister to wake up?

“With such a rigid sleep schedule, it would be easy for Jade-san to plan her day around the event.”

Sure, be logical about it.

Energy flowed and cascaded throughout her entire body, and she felt as if she were born again.

Woah! That’s a lot faster than drinking all that Dark Mist, plus there’s no hangover!

“Apologies, but why does she not use these tablets to replenish her energies instead of drinking Black Mist?”

Because reasons, of course.

She changed out of her black pajamas, and into her regular outfit she wore outside of work.

You know, that outfit she always wears.

“The one she wears when she does the thing in the place?”


Luke most likely told the manager of Sushi & Bar she wouldn’t be working today because she was sick.

“Apologies, but is the existence of these Aura Tablets a secret?”

I don’t think so, Jade was able to get a whole bottle without a problem and doesn’t see anything wrong with giving them to her sister with no warnings about not letting anyone else see them.

“Then why would the manager believe this lie?”

Because reasons?

Which was a huge lie, but Luke wasn’t just a bartender, he was her best friend.

Luke is a terrible barkeeper.

“And a terrible friend.”

He’s just all around terrible.

He covered for her at work when she either screwed up or did something wrong.

I have a feeling that Luke is a busy guy.

“Much like a Library ninja.”

Hey’ at least you can’t say it’s boring around here.

When she got downstairs, Jade was at the kitchen table with a pot of green tea, and a plate full of sushi rolls.

For breakfast? Ewww! Do you eat sushi for breakfast, sensei?

“Most mornings there is only time for cereal and toast or bread.”

Ooh, I’ve had the bread in the cafeteria! There’s all these different fillings, it’s awesome.

Hai, they are quite good – but I would much rather have a nice piece of grilled fish with rice, a bowl of miso soup, and of course tsukemono.”

Tsukemono … Pickles? For breakfast?

“Every meal should have tsukemono.”

But breakfast?

“My favorite is the takuan, daikon radish, that Kanai-san makes. It is quite delicious.”

If you say so.

Luna sat down at the table, and helped herself to some sushi rolls, and poured herself a cup of green tea.

“Apologies, but is the author aware that there are other things besides these two food items that can be used to indicate that the sisters are Nihonjin?”

:checks notes: I don’t think so. She doesn’t even call their clothing kimono; they’re just robes. But at least she didn’t try to describe them as female versions of Jack.

Jade was wearing a white robe with light green trimming, a light green belt wrapped around her waist, and light green high heeled shoes to match.

“Shoes? Within the house? How ill-mannered!”

Kind of weird that she’d be wearing high heels with a bath robe. I thought they did that in the movies.

She had her extremely long, jet black hair tied up into a bun yet again, and had a pair of light green colored chopsticks pinned into her hair bun.

Light green shoes, belt, a robe trimmed in light green, and even green chopsticks? Jade’s really got a fixation with the color that she shares her name with.

:Ishi harrumphs:

What now?

“That is not how one should store one’s hashi.It is unsanitary.”

I think they’re supposed to be hairsticks, not chopsticks. The two look similar.

At that moment she didn’t appear to be furious about what had happened last night, so Luna thought that it was safe to talk with her sister.

Oi, conversation. Just kill me now.


:Ghostie storms back into the Riffing Chamber dressed in a frilly shepherdess outfit and slaps Ishi with a sheep:

Dammit, sensei! You were getting so good with sarcasm!

“But you gave an order!”

:Ghostie attempts to sit down and vanishes in a flurry of lace:

Damn petticoats. :kicks sheep: Get Shinobi-san to escort this flock to Gumdrop’s paddock before they make a mess everywhere.

“So, did you sleep well last night?” Luna asked, helping herself to another sushi roll.

:yawns: Fascinating.

“I am curious as to what type of sushi these women deem appropriate for breakfast.”

Is there more than one kind?

:Ishi gives Ghostie The Look:

Relax, I’m joking!

“I slept quite well, thank you. I can tell you had a good rest, considering the fact that you slept for twelve straight hours,” Jade acknowledged, not letting what her sister did the night before slip out of their conversation.

Huh? Luna’s the one how brought up the subject, if she wanted to avoid the topic she should have picked a different conversation starter.

“Pity Jack-san is not nearby, he could have asked a pointless question.”

Meh. I’m sure he’ll show up eventually.

“Yeah, but I would have loved to have woken up three hours earlier.”

Then you should have gotten drunk faster.

“Or Luna-chan could have not gotten drunk and gone to bed at a reasonable time.”

Hey, now – there’s fantasy and then there’s sheer insanity.

“You would have woken up earlier if you hadn’t drunk so much of that Dark Mist last night.”

Yeah, but what are you going to do? It’s not like you have any control over the situation and could ration her intake or cut her off altogether.

“Could she not…”

Sarcasm, sensei.

“I know, Jade. I’m sorry. I was out in the Black Forest yesterday doing some samurai training by myself, and I used up almost all of my powers of darkness in the process. The only way I could replenish my spiritual energies quickly was to drink some Dark Mist. However, I got totally carried away drinking that liquid again. Can you please forgive me?” Luna pleaded, looking at her sister with big, sad round eyes.

:Ghostie headdesks:

So telling the audience after the fact is somehow better than showing us? You couldn’t have worked a few hints into the conversation the night before?

“How so?”

Lots of ways! She could have said she was tired, or sore, or worn down from the workout, or she could have been discussing it with Jack. She could even have mentioned seeing some of Aku’s henchmen in the Forest – henchmen that have been strangely absent so far.

“It is odd that someone as wanted as Jack-san could linger so long in one place without attracting attention.”

To be fair, he does tend to fade into the background.

“Of course I forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again, or I’ll ground you for two months. Understand?” Jade warned, as Luna nodded her head in response.

:Ghostie headdesks:

Ground her now, you baka!

“I thought she did not need to be grounded for the shock collar to work?”

Wait, what?

“… What?”

I meant grounding her as in restricting her outside activities. She knew what she was doing was wrong yet she did it anyway! And you not only took away alcohol’s natural punishment, the hangover, but you aren’t giving her any disciplinary actions!

“Very good. Luke has covered your shift at Sushi & Bar, as you already know. Also, you won’t be working in my flower shop with me today, okay?”

Oh, so she is grounded? She has to stay home for the day.

“Why would this be necessary when the Aura Tablets have taken care of her self-imposed illness?”

I dunno, but I bet we’re not going to like it.

“Alright, I understand. By the way, is Jewel working in her potter shop today?”

“No she isn’t. Why do you ask?”

Why would you ask? Jade isn’t Jewel-Sue’s personal secretary.

“The characters do seem remarkably well-informed as to each others movements when it suits the prose.”

They must be on Twitter.

“Well, since I’m not working today, I thought I’d go hang out with Jewel. Get some more Samurai Sister training in, you know,” Luna informed her.

How convenient that you don’t have to work even though you should! Funny how that works out.

“Apologies, but did Luna-chan not state earlier that she would prefer to work?”

If she had a choice between sleeping and working, yes – but in the battle of work vs. fun thing the fun thing would win hands down.

“Do you know where she is right now?”

There’s no reason she would, so of course she does!

“Perhaps Jade-san has installed the same tracking nanites that the clan has placed inside the Librarians.”


“… What?”

Did you put trackers in us?

“Only very small ones!”


That doesn’t make it better!

“She told me yesterday she would be spending her free time in the Black Forest today,” Jade responded.

Oh. Well, that makes sense. As much sense as anything in this train wreck can.

“This Black Forest, it is a large place?”

Probably. It’s mostly Void at this point, which makes it infinite.

“Is there a designated area where the Sisters practice?”

Hmmm… I sure hope so or Luna’s going to be in for a hike.

“When you meet up with Jewel, try not to disturb her is she’s meditating, practicing with her powers, or replenishing her spiritual energies. Promise?”

Hold on – if Jewel-Sue is going out into the forest for a specific reason, then she might not take kindly to someone interrupting her.

“Apologies, but does not Jewel-san replenish her energy by drinking a certain beverage?”

Yeah, it’s called Aqua Star.

“Why would this require a trip out into a forest?”

:shrugs: If I had to guess? The author needed a way to isolate the Sue so that Luna could spend some screen time with her.

“I promise. Knowing what would happen if I disturbed her while she is doing any of those thing helps me resist that temptation…”

Ooh, is it something painful? Embarrassing?

“Will it require leeches?!?”

I’m kinda hoping it does, sensei.

In the heart of the Black Forest, Jewel slipped out of her robe, and laid her clothes in a neatly folded pile next to a pond where a waterfall flowed into it.

…Why is she naked next to a waterfall? Sweet mercy, this isn’t going to turn into one of those fics, is it?

“Perhaps she wishes to bathe.”

In the woods. With the mud and the bugs. Don’t they have indoor plumbing?

“I have seen no evidence of such.”

Yet there was a digital clock.

The pond wasn’t that big around, but it was over one hundred feet deep.

That’s pretty deep for a pond, they’re usually fairly shallow in comparison to lakes. A hundred feet is the same as a ten story building; I don’t really see how a small body of water could manage that without filling itself in with mud.

“It could be made of stone, the Library has many deep caverns that have filled with water.”

But this is an isolated pond in the middle of the forest that’s fed by a waterfall, not some kind of underground spring.

“…Magic water?”

:Ghostie sighs: Sure, whatever.

She plunged into the water completely stark naked, and no one spotted her jump into the pond with no clothes on.

Sweet mercy, we get it – she’s naked! You don’t have to …

:sirens blare:

Monkey muffins. Sensei, can you handle it? I can’t find my feet in these petticoats.



Holy crapballs! I didn’t know you could do that with a leech!

“They are not purely medicinal, Ghostcat-sama.”

But the thing … and the spinning … It breathed fire!

Hai. I went easy on the agents this time.”

Other than drinking Aqua Star and meditating, there was another way that Jewel could replenish her spiritual energies.

I assume it has something to do with the water, but why does she have to be skyclad first?

Nan des’ ka?”

It means ritual nudity.


She had to swim under water in an empty pond or lake, and absorb energy from inside the body of liquid.

“Apologies, but this pond is in a forest; it would be far from empty.”

Yeah, there should be all kinds of critters, from small to large, in or around that water. A body of water attracts life like a magnet, it’s one thing no living organism can do without. Unless Jewel-Sue has cast some sort of spell to keep everything out, she’d find “emptier” water in her bathtub.

“Assuming she has one.”

Absorbing energy from the empty, large body of water

Only it is not large and not empty.

required her to strip away her clothes so her flesh could get energy from the water faster.

Clothing usually absorbs water, it shouldn’t be that much of an obstacle to this energy transmission.

“One suspects there were other reasons for the author to have Jewel-san become nude.”

… Come to think of it, we haven’t seen Jack yet. You don’t think he would be … No, that’s silly.

When she reached the middle of the pond below the surface, Jewel curled up into a ball at first, and then used her powers to breath under water.

Huh? She’s trying to maximize her exposure to the water; curling up into a ball accomplishes the opposite.

“Apologies, but why would Jewel-san wait until she had swum so far to use her powers to breathe?”

The author likely just invented the power.


As soon as she began breathing under water, she stretched her arms and legs out, forming her body in an X shape. With her body stretched out under water like it was, the easier it was going to be for her to replenish her spiritual water powers.

“Look, Ghostcat-sama! It is just as you said!”

:Ghostie headdesks: Why didn’t she just do that to begin with?

Her eyes and body began to glow bright blue, and she could feel her veins flowing with spiritual energy throughout her entire body.

Yeah, that’s not going to attract any attention. It’s not as if there’s a super-villain out looking for you.

“Apologies, but why is Jewel-san doing this?”


“She has recently drunk the Aqua Star, so her energy reserves should be full. From Luna-chan’s previous behavior, it would be ill-advised for Jewel-san to over-charge herself.”

Meh. The author probably forgot about the hazards of over-replenishing.

Unknowing, above the surface of the pond, Samurai Jack stood in front of the water where Jewel had plunged into.

:sigh: I had really hoped you wouldn’t show up this time.

He spotted her clothes neatly folded in a pile next to the pond, and didn’t dare to touch them.

Because that would be creepy.

“And watching her while she swims in the nude is not?”

I didn’t say it wasn’t.

Jack thought it would be rude to touch Jewel’s clothing without her permission, and had a feeling she would be furious with him if he did.

Yeah. Watching her have mystical naked time in the pond wouldn’t make her angry, but touching her clothes would.

“Some women develop exceptionally strong bonds with their clothing. I remember once borrowing one of Kanai-san’s kimono and things did not end well.”

Why did you need one of her kimono?

“Silk has excellent insulating properties, but is surprisingly combustible.”

Besides, he wasn’t the only warrior out in the Black Forest at that pond.

Well, there’s Jewel-Sue, but I wouldn’t really call her a warrior.

“Would the oni Aku’s minions be considered warriors?”

Ooh, let’s hope it’s one of them!

Without warning, Luna jumped down from a tree branch above Jack’s head, and landed on her feet right next to him.

“Foolish child. I will mourn her loss.”


“It is not wise to surprise a samurai like that.”

Ah. Yeah, I can’t see that being a good idea.

“Luna, you surprised me,” Jack jumped back, a little stunned to see her in the Black Forest alone.

And yet he’s not stabbing her?

“It is strange that Jack-san’s response would be so mild.”

Man, Jack’s gone soft in his days in this village.

“Forgive me, I did not mean to startle you.

By dropping out of a tree within stabbing distance of a well-known warrior without announcing yourself or even attempting to make your presence know.

“It is truly a mystery that she has managed to live as long as she has.”

I was just looking for Jewel. Have you seen her?” Luna asked, looking at him suspiciously.

“No, I have not. However, I have found her clothes…”

And there’s this mysterious blue light shaped like a naked woman in the pond. I’m sure that’s a coincidence.

“Jack-san has not noticed Jewel-san’s light yet.”

Probably because the author forgot about it. A lot of this fic seems to be the author forgetting things that were previously established or just making things up as she goes.

Luna glanced over at Jewel’s clothes neatly folded next to the pond with the waterfall flowing into it. Sudden realization struck her inner spirit like a tidal wave.

:facepalm: It’s not that big of a revelation, sweetie.

“Unless Luna-chan assumes Jewel-san has dissolved into the water, leaving her clothing behind.”

Her neatly folded and completely dry clothing?

“…I did not say it was a perfect theory.”

“I knew it. Jade warned me about this…”

“Warned you about what?”

Oh, you mean the part where she told you not to disturb Jewel-Sue if she was meditating or replenishing her energies – you know, basically telling you to mind your manners and be polite.

“Luna-chan’s words make it seem a far more serious matter.”

It’s one of those phrases authors love using to make something sound dangerous and important.

“Come with me, I’ll explain everything,”

And that’s another one of those pretentiously important phrases. Next someone’s going to say “This changes everything!”

Nani? What is going to change everything?”

Doesn’t matter – it never matters.

Luna said, taking him by the hand, and leading Jack away from the pond into a clearing in the forest a short distance away. “Sit down with me, and I’ll tell what’s going on.”
“Okay, start explaining,” Jack obeyed, sitting down in a meditative position on the forest floor as Luna did the same in front of him.

:groans: Not more exposition! Are the only two conversational styles the author knows the info-dump and the boring ramble?

“You speak as if those are two different things.”

:Ghostie groans again:

“Would you like me to kill you again?”

Let me think about it.

“Jewel is replenishing her spiritual energies by drawing power from the water itself. To do this, she had to strip away all of her clothes, and swim to the center of that pond in order for the process to work.

Wow, that was actually pretty concise.

“Far more precise than the earlier prose explaining the same information.”

I imagine if the process has to be explained again it’ll be condensed down to “She’s getting power from the water’ or something similar.

You see, there are different ways for each Samurai Sister to replenish their spiritual energies.

:Ghostie groans:

“Apologies, but why does Jack-san need to know this now? He is already aware that the Sisters replenish their energies after using them; does he really require the specifics of each method?”

I have no idea. I guess they must have something to talk about while Jewel-Sue’s skinny-dipping.

For example, other thank drinking Dark me,

:double headdesk:

I can replenish my energies by simply meditating under the moonlight.

Wait a second – so she can fill her tank by just meditating but prefers drinking herself into unconsciousness?

Child, you have a problem.

“Several, in fact.”


I need to be in an area where it is almost completely dark

But not completely dark, because that would be scary.

“She harbors a spirit of darkness, yet does not need pure darkness to replenish herself? But Jewel-san requires pure water to do the same.”

Maybe Luna has a thing for the moon.

when I’m in desperate need to replenish my powers of darkness.

Okay, so that’s if you’re in dire need – what about just a regular replenishing?

“What do you mean?”

Does her energy replenish naturally over time, or must she meditate or drink Dark Mist or whatever else she does? Are those methods just to make things go faster? If she did nothing, would her powers fade completely from misuse? Same for the other SIsters’ if they did nothing, would they still have powers?

“An intriguing question, Ghostcat-sama, but I fear you are asking too much of this fic.”

I also need complete and utter silence in order for my meditation process to work so that my dark energies will be replenished successfully.”

In other words, she needs to visit outer space.

“Or a transparent isolation chamber on Earth where she can remain in the moonlight but not be troubled by noise.”

Either way, it sounds like a hassle. No wonder she prefers drinking.

“I see. How long will it take until Jewel is finished replenishing her spiritual energies?”

Jack shows surprisingly little interest in what Luna’s told him, which in no way resembles a warning or any kind of urgent information, but just wants to know how long it will be before he can bask in the Sue’s presence once again.

“Pitiful. Have some dignity, man!”

Like you’re any better. Kanai-san has you whipped.

“Only on Tuesdays.”



“Knowing Jewel, she won’t take too long. Another thing you must know, you never disturb a Samurai Sister what she is replenishing her spiritual energies like Jewel is right now,” Luna warned him.

And there’s the warning! Although it looks more like an afterthought.

“Luna-chan should probably explain why it would be a bad idea.”

I’m kind of curious about that, myself.

“Why?” Jack wondered.

“Because her spiritual energies could backfire on you, and you could most likely get severely injured. Trust me, you don’t want to take that risk.”

Backfire how? You can’t just say something like that and not give any specifics.

“She does say that the person would be severely injured.”

Which doesn’t explain anything. Will she hit the person with a stream of water, or turn them into water, or what?

“It does not look like we will be able to disturb Jewel since she is under water,” Jack said, pointing out the obvious.

“But there is no barrier in place to prevent them from entering the water.”

Yeah, but considering she’s sucking the life out of the water, that would be a bad idea.

“True, but we should still stay away from that pond. Jewel could pop out of it any moment, and I know she doesn’t want anyone seeing her butt naked in the middle of the Black Forest,” Luna acknowledged, noticing that Jack began to break out in sweat, and his face started to heat up.

“Excellent point, Luna.”

“Apologies, but do they realize that it is possible to see someone who is in water?”

Maybe. None of these characters are all that smart.

“So, what are you doing out here in the middle of the Black Forest anyway?”

“The same reason why you are, I confess. I was looking for Jewel as well,” Jack admitted.

“Why were you searching for her?” Luna wondered, continuing to question him.

Hopefully to move the plot forward, but I’m not holding my breath.

“Jewel wants to join me on my quest to destroy Aku, and I was thinking about leaving tomorrow to travel to his castle. I was going to ask Jewel to come along with me.”

“Tomorrow? Does he have further plans for this day?”

Didn’t you know? Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

“And they feel this event is more important than Jack-san’s ultimate goal in life?”

So it would seem.

“You and Jewel won’t be the only ones going to Aku’s castle to destroy him, remember? I’ll be going along with you two, and so will Jacob and the rest of the Samurai Sisters,” Luna reassured him.

I don’t remember anyone agreeing to that. Luna’s still a kid and not even a part of the Sisters. And why does every single character have to tag along?

“Perhaps they really will be having a picnic.”

“What makes you think that?” Jack asked, giving her a questionable expression.

Because that’s what the author wants to happen and there’s no room for any dissenting opinions among her little cardboard cutouts.

“Because I know Jewel better than you do, Jack. Where Jewel goes, her brother will be right there along with her. Besides, the rest of the Samurai Sisters want Aku dead and gone as much as you do.

“For what purpose? What has the oni Aku done to the rest of the Sisters?”

Other than general evil stuff, I don’t know. Jewel-Sue and Man-Candy are the only ones with any kind of detailed back-story so far.

Plus, you also need to find a way back to your own time period.”

Oh, right! That thing you want more than anything in the world that everyone else in the fic keeps forgetting about.

“It is hard to remember that Jack-san is in this fic, I do not find it difficult that they have forgotten his objectives as well.”

“You are right. I have failed time and again to find some way of traveling back to my own time.”

That was for story reasons, though. You can’t have a ‘man out of time’ story if the man returns to his own time.

“Other than Madam Alicia, I believe I know the woman who can help you find your way back home after you vanquish Aku,” Luna added, staring knowingly into his eyes.

Wait a second – other than Madame Alicia? That means the Magic Alicia Ball can help get him back to his time period! Why is she sending them off to destroy Aku when she could be sending him back in time?

“I do no believe Jack-san asked Alicia-sensei if she could return him to his time period, only if she could locate the oni Aku for him.”

…Huh. :checks notes: Looks like you’re right. Memo to self – if I’m ever stuck in an alternate timeline, ask everyone I meet if they can return me to my proper time period.

“Who do you know that can help me?” Jack asked, his attention grasped immediately on the subject handing in the air.

Besides the Magic Alicia Ball, whom you already know? Who cares, ask her about how Alicia can return you to your time!

“It would not hurt to have a back-up plan.”

You need a real plan to start with!

“Her name is Serenity. She possesses the spirit of light, and her spiritual powers will help you travel back to your own time period.

:double spit-take:

I’m so glad we stocked up on ponchos.


So Serenity, the very last Sister to be brought into the fic, has time travel powers. Every single character in this fic seems to know about everyone else’s business, and not one of them has mentioned to Jack – WHO NEEDS A TIME TRAVELER – that Serenity can do this.

“Jack-san has been with these people for days, yet none have mentioned Sernity-san’s abilities. Perhaps they do not know of them.”

Luna knew. She could have said something. The whole assault on Aku’s palace doesn’t have to happen! If Jack goes back to his time to defeat Aku, then everything bad he’s done would go away – the attack on Jewel-Sue’s family and … everything else that happened but wasn’t explained.

This, I know to be true. Serenity has traveled through space and time in multiple disguises so as to avoid messing up the time stream.

“And a samurai tossed several centuries into the future did not qualify?”

He’s not important to the fic, so why would he be important to the time stream?

I’m positive she will be able to return you to your own time.”
“I hope you are right. Serenity sounds like an extremely powerful Samurai Sister.”

“One wonders why you are not requesting a meeting with this Serenity-san right now.”

He should! Right now! :slaps Jack with mackerel: Forget the naked chick – go see the time traveler!

“Yes, she is. Serenity isn’t as powerful as Jewel, but she is awfully close to the same level.

“How would the ability to move water be a greater power than moving through time?”

Jewel-Sue’s the main Sue – she’s better than everyone, even the other Sues.

Serenity possesses all of the powers of light. She has the power to make the sun, moon and stars shine brighter and so much more,” Luna explained, getting deeper in detail in her conversation with Jack.

She makes lights slightly brighter and can travel through time. These are all light-based powers?

“She also has other light-based powers.”

Meh. She can probably read minds or summon sea creatures or something equally ass-pulled.

“I’ll have to introduce you to her when we get back to the village. She’ll be honored to meet you.”

“Just like everyone else who has met Jack-san.”

I really hope I don’t have to suffer through another one of those cookie-cutter scenes.

“Are you two having a nice conversation?” Jewel interjected, stepping out of the shadows fully clothed with her golden hair down flowing behind her back.

“Jewel, hi. I can see that you replenished your powers of water successfully.”

No, she’s just taking a break halfway through to chat.

“The large space of water helped me exponentially. I feel completely energized now.”

:Ishi sticks a nightlight on Jewel’s leg:

“Safety first.”

“Luna was just telling me that the Samurai Sister named Serenity can return me to my own time. Is this true?” Jack asked, making sure that Luna wasn’t lying to him.

Why would Jack-san is questioning Luna-chan’s word when he has not questioned anything else she has said?”

“It is true, Jack. Serenity not only possesses the power of light, but she also has the ability to travel through time.

See! See!

Wakarimasen; I do not understand.”

Serenity has light powers and the ability to travel in time. Two separate and distinct abilities.

She will be able to help you return home after we destroy Aku,” Jewel confirmed, tying her hair back into a ponytail.

Or before, which would be better.

“Apologies, but if Jack-san defeats the oni Aku in this time and then returns to his own time, will he not have to defeat the younger version of the oni Aku as well?”

Yeah, he would. That’s two Akus he’d have to take care of; if Serenity returns him instead of attacking the palace then he only has to take out one.

“That is great news. My quest has finally come to an end.”

“Not quite, Jack. First, we all much travel to Aku’s castle and destroy him. Then Serenity will use her time traveling powers to return you to your own time. That’s when your quest will finally be completed,” Luna corrected him.

Flying in the face of all logic and reason. Seriously, why is this the only course of action available to them?

“It is as you often say, Ghostcat-sama; this is how the author wishes it to be.”

Well it makes no sense.

“Luna is right. You will need me, Luna, Jacob and all of the other Samurai Sisters help to succeed on your quest. Now, let’s return to Arab so you can meet Serenity.”

“I do not see why all of the Sisters are required for success.”

They aren’t! Serenity is the only one with useful powers but she’s holding them back so they can indulge in this petty revenge scheme.

Ugh! That’s it for this chapter, folks. See you next time!



56 Comments on “891: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter IX”

  1. SC says:

    She hated the fact that he was correct about the side effects of over drinking the Dark Mist liquid.

    Can we stop dancing around the obvious, please? It’s booze. We all know it’s booze. Just say it’s booze and be done with it.

  2. SC says:

    Luke had warned her what would happen if she drank too much Dark Mist, and as always he was right.

    Luke: “Because I’m the only one with a fucking brain in this God-awful fic.”

  3. SC says:

    Luna felt as if a dagger was plunged into her brain, and her whole body felt like it was going to fall apart.

    Getting chopped in half by Sports Shades’ Changdao does tend to do that to you.

  4. SC says:

    They are Aura Tablets I bought from Madam Alicia that heal any illness or injury.



    “I must call it … What is the word you use, osuushi no kuso?


    Hai, that is the bullshit. Not even the healing gifts of the leeches can cure all afflictions. This panacea would at best be a placebo.”

    Doc: Hey, look at that, more shit we agree on.

    Oh, you beat me to it this time!

    Doc: I figure if you’re going to keep pointing out things we agree on, I may as well just say it for you so you don’t waste your oxygen saying it yourself.

    • Ishi says:

      The uncultured brute may not be as bad as I first thought.

      • SC says:

        Doc: I’m starting to come around.

        Aww, budding friendsh-


        Doc: … Slowly.

        *le glorious respawn*

        Damn it, man! I was hoping to go a day without being dressed like Cher!

      • Ishi says:

        Perhaps if you bathed with more regularity, you would be a more welcome companion.

      • SC says:

        Doc: And that, right there, is why it’s slow-going.

        Hey, you even insult each other like-

        Doc: I got ten shots in this thing and have used one. Go ahead and finish that thought.

        … Nevermind.

  5. SC says:

    By dropping out of a tree within stabbing distance of a well-known warrior without announcing yourself or even attempting to make your presence know.

    “It is truly a mystery that she has managed to live as long as she has.”

    Hell, Jack’s a samurai. Those guys had to be pretty in tune with their senses and the environment around them, all the time, even when sleeping. How the hell this chick managed to get the drop on him at all is befuddling to me, because she’s certainly not a ninja.

  6. SC says:

    The whole assault on Aku’s palace doesn’t have to happen! If Jack goes back to his time to defeat Aku, then everything bad he’s done would go away – the attack on Jewel-Sue’s family and … everything else that happened but wasn’t explained.

    The Sues would go away too. Probably. Possibly. Rewriting history can cause a lot of interesting changes, you know.

    • TacoMagic says:

      In the hands of a capable writer, the sisters wanting him to assist in defeating Aku before sending him back would be plausible. All you have to do is utilize the “divergent timeline” theory of time-travel and you’re golden. Too bad the author probably doesn’t know about it.

  7. SC says:

    “Silk has excellent insulating properties, but is surprisingly combustible.”

    Doc: Let me guess – it had something to do with leeches and fire.

  8. SC says:

    Digital clocks and Post-it notes made the cut, but not lightbulbs or paved roads.

    My NaNo novel has technology developed through magic that allows for magic firearms, namely the ridiculously huge and entirely overpowered cannon-lances, and yet everybody still lives in huts and castles for the most part. I’m guilty of this same thing, but in a way that makes a lot more sense.

    • Colonel deFraug says:

      I don’t really consider those equivalent at all. Your cannon-lances are martial technology (which tends to operate on the bleeding edge), have a simple goal to accomplish (project energy to target), and are cumbersome (making the assumption when you say ridiculously huge). Heck, that isn’t so far off from the distribution of technology with gunpowder.

      Digital clocks and post-it notes as opposed to lightbulbs and paved roads? Whole different animal. Post-it notes required some really quite advanced chemical knowledge and manufacturing ability to create. (Really, it’s fascinating how much knowledge goes into those things.) And digital clocks require some extremely advanced electrical understanding at the very least. Hell, you could argue that the lightbulb is almost a prerequisite for digital clocks. Not to mention the issues with working with liquid-crystals…

      Meanwhile, paved roads are extremely important for infrastructure, and really not an advanced concept (depending on paving material), though not always economically feasible (also militarily useful). And we already went over lightbulbs.

      This is an apple and orange scenario.

      • SC says:

        and are cumbersome (making the assumption when you say ridiculously huge).

        Well, according to how I envisioned them for the novel, in order to conceal all four cannon barrels that they employ and still maintain a shape that says “lance”, they have to stand about a person and a half tall.

        For reference, I got the idea for cannon lances from the Anti-Tank Lance weapons in Valkyria Chronicles, if that helps any.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        I had a suspicion…

        And yeah, if you’re basing them off the VC Lances, those things are a hot mess of ergonomic issues and other lovely weapons design missteps, so yes, cumbersome. Very striking design, though. It merges well with the aesthetic of the VC world, particularly the Imperial design, so I’ve always given that a pass. I also liked the specialized armor that the Lancers wore on their arm to deflect their own backblast. Impractical, but it makes just enough sense, you know?

        And yeah, any weapon that’s a person and a half in length is going to have handling issues. Just kinda one of those things that physics does.

      • SC says:

        Yeah, I basically wanted to make a magical version of that, but try and give it somewhat more practicality than the Lancaars had. And I’m mite than certain that I’ve still missed a few steps along the way.

        What i HAVE worked on, though, are some of the essentials:

        In order to withstand the punch a cannon-lance has, I had to give the guys using them armor that more or less turned them into steel titans. Not so much for defense, also that certainly played into it, but rather to give them the weight necessary to stay standing, and the shielding enough to leave them without dislocated limbs or busted abdomens or what have you from firing the damn things. As for handling them, unless you want to be blasted backwards for who the hell knows how far, you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to maintain a solid sumo squat, or have a buddy bracing you from behind with his own weight, and the lance has to be couched under one arm and braced by the other so that it doesn’t go flying out of your grip.

        The cumbersomeness of the weapon’s use, I HOPE, is brought down by the lance’s tip being a retractable, three-pronged cone meant to keep dirt and whatnot from getting in the barrels. Retracting the cone to fire the weapon takes the, “and a half” bit off the weapon’s length, making it about as long as the person firing it is tall.

        The issues of ammunition and reloading stopped being such right out of the gate, because they’re powered by inexhaustible magical catalysts (one of the liberties I allow myself to take with magic is making it a bottomless well of sorts), and each shot activates a rotational mechanism that swaps barrels so the one that fired most recently has a chance to cool down; kind of like a really slow minigun, to provide a real world comparison. And the shots are prevented from going wildly off-course upon expulsion from the barrels by literally hundreds of incantations inscribed along the barrels to keep them steady, powerful and accurate like they need to be, because I don’t see magic as a kind of force that rifling the barrels would have any real effect on – especially when that magic is strong enough to punch through fortified walls with relative ease.

        The trigger is a hair trigger, because this IS a novel set in a pseudo-medieval period, but there are redundant safeties to bring down the risk of accidental firing, the most prominent being that the incantations controlling the firepower of the weapon need light in order to be triggered (still working out a good reason for that), and when the cone is covering the barrels, they don’t receive that light because the cone seals it out.

        Beyond that, there’s probably still several dozens of problems I’ve yet to try and address that I plan to in the novel’s inevitable rewrite.

  9. SC says:

    “You and Jewel won’t be the only ones going to Aku’s castle to destroy him, remember? I’ll be going along with you two, and so will Jacob and the rest of the Samurai Sisters,” Luna reassured him.

    Or you could all pay Jack’s honor as a samurai some iota of respect and let him vanquish his sworn foe by himself, and not reduce him to the level of an honorless bastard-son who can’t fight his own battles, which is what I imagine he would request if you weren’t forcing yourselves on him.

    There’s an idea, that.

  10. SC says:

    She makes lights slightly brighter and can travel through time. These are all light-based powers?

    “She also has other light-based powers.”

    Meh. She can probably read minds or summon sea creatures or something equally ass-pulled.

    You know, I actually go out of my way to differentiate between light, holy and healing magic because of how ass-pulled authors tend to make the three.

    In a universe of my design, you can expect, without fail, that light magic will be offensive and defensive-based magic employing hard and soft lights as necessary, and holy magic will be magic that employs the power of the heavens, and healing magic will always be strictly spells that ease pains and mend wounds and cure ailments.

    You will never see me smash all three together in a jumbled mess of unrelated spells and call the results, “Light magic” or “Holy magic” or “Healing magic”, like this author has done.

    • SC says:

      And I only referenced healing and holy magic to add to my example. Unless you happem to be of the school of thought that says speaking to sea life is holy magic and reading minds is healing magic or something like that.

  11. The Crowbar says:


    Luna woke up

    Goddammit. Whenever I see that goddamn name I instinctively start looking around for horses.

  12. The Crowbar says:

    This whole goddamn thing is a jumbled mess…


    *The Crowbar starts drooling*

  13. TacoMagic says:

    Another thing you must know, you never disturb a Samurai Sister what she is replenishing her spiritual energies like Jewel is right now,” Luna warned him.

    So… uh… then why did Luna come out to the forest to bother Jewel if she knew Jewel was meditating to-

    You know what, I’m just gonna assume EXPERMINT!! and not think about it.

  14. TacoMagic says:

    The large space of water helped me exponentially.

    Author, please refrain from using words that you don’t know how to use. It makes you look less stupid. Kthxbai.

    • SC says:

      Le Merriam-Webster definition:




      very fast; increasingly rapid
      mathematics: including or using an exponent

      Full Definition:

      1. of or relating to an exponent

      2. involving a variable in an exponent
      “10x is an exponential expression.”

      3. expressible or approximately expressible by an exponential function; especially: characterized by or being an extremely rapid increase (as in size or extent)
      “an exponential growth rate”

      — ex·po·nen·tial·ly



      … So, the body of water helped her at a rapid, growing pace, to the nth degree? Is that what we’re to infer from this?

      • TacoMagic says:

        In the way she used it, yes that is what it is saying. Not only that, but by that usage, the water is still helping her, and it will always be helping her forever in a way that only accelerates to be more helpful as time goes on.

        The other way to use it is to indicate many orders of degree. But that requires a frame of reference, which we were not given in the quote.

        Typically when you use exponentially in this way, you do it as a comparison because something can be exponentially more than something else and this provides the reference. In this way you are showing that one thing is much, much more than another thing; though most of the time it is only used in a hyperbolic fashion. E.G.: This test was exponentially harder than the practice test.

        So, the correct way to use it here would be, “The large space of water helped me exponentially more than the BLUE! drink.”

      • SC says:

        So, she’s not wrong, so much as her usage of the word is wrong. Gotcha.

  15. Delta XIII says:

    Hey’ at least you can’t say it’s boring around here.

    Heh, ain’t that the truth.
    *checks pager*

    Eleven-sixty-two? Which one was that again?


    Uh, sorry, gotta go. Some jackass is trying to use Hypertime to erase the Library from existence.

    …third time this year.

  16. The Crowbar says:

    *Stumbles into the viewing room while drinking liquor straight from a bottle*

    …I need more of this stuff…

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