887: legolas – One ShotPosted: November 15, 2014
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Not Listed
URL: legolas by laura
Critiqued by KittyNoodles
Kitty: Hello, my noble Patrons! The nice people at the asylum finally let me come home again, so to get myself all nice and eased back into the swing of things, I’m going to riff a little Lord of the Rings oneshot. It’s a very popular oneshot, one I’m sure you’ve all heard of before, but if you haven’t… well, buckle in, folks.
Now, I did have to bring along a chaperone, because somebody needs to be here to “contain” me if I get a little… crazy.
*slightly unhinged grin*
So since Kiara is currently still catatonic, Desoto has gone into hiding, and… a pair of certain people from the last installment of To Love Another Soul have returned home, I’ve had to branch out to my last Tolkien-savvy resource: Amariah Moor!
Kitty: She’s Kiara’s older sister – half sister, technically – and is currently very easy to trigger still because she’s recovering from a Thing that happened a few months ago. Those scars on her face and the ones on her back are pretty fresh, too, so… Yeah. Be gentle, Patrons.
Amariah: You told me this wouldn’t take long.
Kitty: It won’t. This is a very short oneshot by the name of “legolas”, by a writer called laura – which earned it the more popular nickname “legolas by laura.” It’s very silly and probably under five hundred words.
Amariah: Why must the fangirls slobber after Legolas?
Kitty: I dunno, why do Azara and Fathia slobber after Desoto despite him showing no actual interest?
Kitty: As we all probably know, The Lord of the Rings is a trilogy set within Tolkien’s legendarium full of Elves, Hobbits, Dwarves, dragons, Orcs, wizards, and a whiny Maia who just wants to force the entire planet into an orderly state… via tyranny and bloodshed and a magical piece of jewelry.
Legolas by laura goes far enough to acknowledge the existence of the above summary… and then plunges the story into insanity. Shall we be off, then?
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby
Amariah: Was this written by a toddler?!
Kitty: I think you just insulted toddlers everywhere. Even you spoke more coherently.
Of course, you were also raised ro—
*Amariah growls again.*
Kitty: Anyway, how does one ride along the woods? Is Legolas’s horse running sideways, leaping from tree trunk to tree trunk? I know Mirkwood has a spider problem, but I didn’t think it was so bad that they were starting to get little mutant baby spider-horses. And if they are, why aren’t said abominations against all things good being immediately put down? Why is Legolas, of all people, riding one? Are they being bred specifically for the royal family? Is the story the public is given simply that Legolas and Thranduil can’t abide by killing innocent babies, when really Thranduil just thinks spider-horses look cooler to ride than the war elk?
Amariah: This is why we don’t let you write after you’ve spent ten minutes glaring at all the nice comments your tumblr friends get on their writing.
Kitty: I’m calling this the Spider-Horse Conspiracy. Somebody get me Jesse Ventura; I think we’ve got a scoop.
Amariah: *taking Kitty’s cellphone away* Moving along, what exactly is ‘colth’? It sounds like a disease. And how is it… whapping? That seems to be the word the writer is going for… How is a disease hitting a small child?
Kitty: It’s a disease transmitted by spider-horse bites. It causes the infected to sprout a third arm that immediately begins smacking its host body in the face until it is removed or the host dies.
Amariah: I’m revoking your tumblr privileges.
and then Legolas said”who left you here little one”
Amariah: Ignoring the fact that you expect an infant to answer that question, the culprit is the author, obviously. How else will her story get going? *glares pointedly at Kitty*
Kitty: This is about the baby, not you. The baby suffering a terrible case of Whaping Colth. She cries all the time, wondering if anybody will ride along the woods to find her. For just ninety-nine cents a day—
Amariah: You know, if I murder you, none of us have to go through any more horrible things.
and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying
Amariah: Right, because most normal children immediately stop crying the second a stranger picks them up. I don’t care how long the little fleshball has been out there, if she’s crying, she’s going to keep crying until her tiny baby mind feels everyone within a five-mile radius is fully aware that she is not happy.
On that note, why hasn’t a wolf or spider come along and eaten her, yet? Loud, distressed noises are like dinner bells for a predator.
Kitty: Maybe Whaping Colth is transmittable through the blood, too. It’d only take one bad experience with a WC victim to turn a pack of wolves off, and the spiders probably think it’s more fun to watch than eat.
Amariah: I hate you.
and then Legolas said”your name is going be Laura”and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.
Amariah: I’m sure it’s not impossible – least of all for the Elf who leapt around and onto a running horse in the movies – but I would think mounting a horse—
Amariah: I would think mounting a horse with a baby in your arms is a little bit tricky – especially considering Legolas probably didn’t bring anything he could even turn into a makeshift baby sling. Unless he stuffed her into a travel pack, along with any emergency rations, field medical equipment and herbs, and other essentials one should bring while riding through a place like Mirkwood.
Kitty: What I really want to know is Legolas’s motive for naming a child he just randomly discovered in the woods. Is he not even considering looking for this kid’s family? Like, at all? Granted, considering the nearest humans are in Laketown and most Elves are fantastic parents (ignore the majority of the Fëanorians, they don’t count) hers are probably dead or going to be dead very soon, but isn’t it still kind of weird to pick up a lost child and immediately decide to give her a name with absolutely zero research into who the hell she is? I mean, she might still have some relatives somewhere who could look after her. Or, failing that, a friend of her family who’d like to know what the hell is going on.
Amariah: I wish there had been some interaction with the guards, here. Surely they would have some questions that might help flesh everybody out a bit more. *guard* Prince Legolas, you’ve returned! Who’s is that child, and why have you brought her here? You say you found her alone? Quickly, take her to the castle’s healers!”
Kitty: You expect a great deal from this story. You must really like disappointment.
Legolas said”father mother I found this little baby in the woods
Amariah: What the fucking fuck?! You just took her straight to the throne room?
Kitty: Maybe he took her straight to his parents’ personal rooms.
Amariah: That child has been alone in the forest for Creator knows how long! She needs food! And water! And a visit with a competent healer who doesn’t buy the bullshit belief that water isn’t good for babies! And probably a bath and a fresh diaper! And clothes! Legolas is a shitty-ass parent!
Kitty: Well, now we know why Tolkien never wrote him taking care of children.
and then Legolas mother got up and walked down
Kitty: So wait, she was either sitting or laying on a raised platform. Option one: She was seated on a throne on a dias, which means they are indeed in the throne room. Option two: Legolas just interrupted something.
and said”how can people put baby in the woodsand to die”.
Amariah: Mrs. Legolas’s Mother, I’m fairly certain nobody did it on purpose. Except for the writer. And what is wood sand?
Kitty: Maybe she meant quicksand? I mean it’s Mirkwood, and it’s being overrun by the Shadow. I’d buy a few quicksand pits popping up here and there.
Amariah: But the baby wasn’t found in any quicksand! She was just laying on the ground, swaddled in cloth and crying! If she’d been in any quicksand, she would have been at least partially submerged in it by the time he found her!
Then Legolas father said”we are going to keep her”
Kitty: Shit, maybe Thranduil really is just keeping the spider-horses for the sake of pity. *Thranduil* Oh, cool, a baby! Let’s set up a newspaper and a food bowl for it.
and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
Amariah: What’s rising, and why is he happy about it?
Kitty: Considering this is a romance fic—
Amariah: SHE’S A BABY!
Kitty: Do you really think the writer cared about that? Laura never ages a day past ten in this thing.
Amariah: Please tell me you’re joking.
10 Years Later
Kitty: Told you so.
Legolas got up and went into Laura’s room and said”good moring”and then Laura said “good moring too”.
Amariah: Laura then asked Legolas to leave her room, because he had no business barging in there without at least knocking.
Kitty: Why are they discussing ships? Is Laura’s bedroom on the water?
Then Legolas said”whats a matter”
Kitty: An object that exists in some physical form?
Amariah: A subject of great discussion and requiring serious decision-making?
and then Laura said”Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse”.
Kitty: She’s realistically between ten and twelve years old, is living with Elves in the middle of Mirkwood, and has yet to learn how to ride a horse? Can we just stop for a moment and reflect upon how much Elves love horses? Have they really just been raising this girl in one little room this whole time?
Amariah: *Legolas* Dad, can I take the kid out for a walk?
Then Legolas said”Ok”
Kitty: NO! NO, HE DID NOT SAY OK! OK ISN’T A FUCKING WORD, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! IT’S THE COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY ABBREVIATION FOR “OKAY!” FOUR FUCKING LETTERS! FOUR! YOU DON’T NEED TO FUCKING ABBREVIATE A FOUR-FUCKING-LETTER WORD! ESPECIALLY NOT IN A GODDAMN PIECE OF PUBLISHED WRITING! STOP BEING A LAZY LITTLE SHITBAG AND WRITE THE FUCKING THING OUT, YOU PIECE OF HORSESHIT!
Amariah: What she said. But with less frothing at the mouth. Using “OK” in place of “okay” should frankly be considered chat speak, which, as Kitty pointed out, has absolutely no place in any written work unless the story is told wholly or in part by in-universe text messages, emails, or forum posts.
and then Legolas said”first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson”.
Amariah: So, she’s going shopping first, then eating, then riding?
Kitty: Nah, Laura probably prefers stuff like this:
Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived
Amariah: That would be Mirkwood.
and then Strider said”Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister”and then Gandalf said”I did not know aswell”.
Amariah: He doesn’t. And if you didn’t know before, how do you suddenly know now? Did Legolas send a Midwinter card with a picture of his adorable new pet human?
Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said”I’ll get her for you sir”and then the Dark lord said”yes you can”.
Kitty: You need to be more specific; Sauron isn’t even the only Dark Lord in the legendarium, let alone the entire collective universe of fictional writing. He is, however, THE boss of the Orcs while Morgoth is away. So basically he’s either talking to himself or addressing Morgoth.
Frankly, I could believe the former. Sauron is frequently convincingly woobiefied thanks to the mention that his evil started from a desire to bring order to the world (and also his temporary waffling after the first or second time Morgoth had his ass handed to him.) It wouldn’t really surprise me if he’s got a Gollum tendency that pops up here and there.
Amariah: And the latter simply makes no sense, because if Morgoth was back on Arda, that would indicate that the end of the world was nigh. Literally.
Kitty: I do appreciate how cheerful our nameless dark lord is, though. Always nice to have such a friendly go-ahead from your boss.
Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said”Legolas whos that”and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.
Amariah: Where did they come from?!
Legolas said”that is Gandalf and Strdier”
Amariah: Someone sneezed while they were typing.
and then Strider said”Legolas”and then Legolas said”Strider long time seen” and then Strider said”hows you”and then Legolas said”I am fine”and then Gandalf said”whos this then”and then Legolas said”meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby”.
Kitty: That was the most dizzyingly stupid introduction I’ve ever encountered. And I find most introductions dizzyingly stupid.
Amariah: Who does Gandalf really think this kid is? He was just discussing her with Aragorn not two paragraphs ago. Just how many other misplaced children does Legolas wander around with?
Kitty: *checks the script* “The part of LEGOLAS will be played by Peter Pan.” Huh.
Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said”Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf”and then Laura said”hello I am Laura”.
Kitty: My, she overcame her shyness remarkably quickly.
Legolas said”she is the princess”
Amariah: In much the same way that Gandalf is a cute little pixie.
Kitty: *Gandalf, in a very squeaky voice* Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!
and then Strider said”she is so cute”and then Legolas said”that will be my falut”
Kitty: According to Google Translate, “falut” is the Hungarian word for “village.”
Oh, the implications.
Amariah: She’s ten!
and then Gandalf said”why”and then Laura said”he protects me thats why”
Kitty: Yes, that’s why there will soon be an entire falut of Elf-Sues running about.
Amariah: Please shut up.
and then Legolas looked up and said”I think we should go back to the castle”and then Laura said”I can feel it too”.
Kitty: See? Proof.
*Amariah buries her face in her hands.*
Legolas said”do you want to stay for a night”and then Gandalf and Strider said”yes please”and then they had tea and went to bed.
Amariah: Only a night? Do you have any idea how long and dangerous their trip was, you child molesting shit?
During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura’s room.
Amariah: What in the world is a gard?
Kitty: It’s like a gourd, but stupid.
Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.Then Legolas said”where is Laura”and then the gards said”the Orcs took her”.
Amariah: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said”put me down”and then the Orcs did
Amariah: Rather accommodating for Orcs.
and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said”welcome Laura”
Amariah: Why was he standing in fire? Was Sauron taking his daily lava dip?
Kitty: Hey, he’s got a crispy-fried dark lord look to keep up. That takes work. Plus the molten rock and metal is wonderful for the pores.
and then Laura looked at him and said”no it can’t be”and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.
Kitty: She’s pretty sturdy for a ten-year-old. I’m pretty sure there are grown Elves who’d piss themselves if they came face-to-face with him.
Amariah: Well, she did try to run.
Kitty: Which would indicate to me that a struggle was put up.
Amariah: As someone with personal experience, I can honestly say terrified flailing is not an indication of sturdiness.
Then the Dark lord said”put her into the cell and bet her
Kitty: Oh, so that’s what the Enemy uses for money: Sues and Stus! That makes sense.
Amariah: Actually… yes it does.
and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her”.
Kitty: Sauron is really off his game today. I always thought he’d be so much more articulate…
Amariah: Normally I would be shocked that he isn’t killing her, but Mary Sues are a proven source of infinite evil. He’s probably planning to torture her into switching sides so that he’ll be able to add her black Sue magic to his strength. The fiend.
Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.
Amariah: Well, I should hope they did. Otherwise their prisoner could escape at any time she—
Kitty: Google says trow is either a small, troll-like fairy… or an archaic way of saying “think” or “believe.” So they just Force-tossed her into the cell, I guess?
Amariah: So the dark lord in question was Anakin?
Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.
Kitty: Weird that they didn’t stay to pound on her. Are they letting her stew in her own terror for a bit?
Amariah: They say expectation is two-fifths of torture.
Kitty: Nobody says that.
Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood
Kitty: So they have this kind of tree there, do they?
Amariah: Ah, the Milkwood. Just east of the Honeyrock in the land of Paradise.
Kitty: That was bad and you should feel bad.
Amariah: I do, actually. Constantly.
Kitty: …Now I feel bad…
Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.
Amariah: When last I looked, Thranduil, not Legolas, was the Elvenking.
Kitty: Maybe he’s just being allowed to do whatever so Thranduil can focus on throwing another wild kegger party.
Amariah: Talk like that only encourages me to lengthen the amount of time you’re not allowed to use tumblr.
Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said”go away you bastard”.
Amariah: Wait, they bound her and then stripped her? Even for Orcs that’s a little strange. If they really wanted to drive that bit home, it would have been more humiliating to rip her clothes off and play pass-around with her for a moment while she tried to keep herself covered. And why do they need to bind her? They’re Orcs! Lots of Orcs! They can just hold her down and take turns!
Amariah: And her reaction is completely ridiculous. “Go away, you bastard?” The thing’s raping you, idiot, not kicking dirt in your face! How about a little more fire?
Amariah: You keep making those faces. And those squeaking noises.
Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death
Amariah: Being whipped alone should have put her in pretty serious trouble. Now they’re just being careless.
and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
Amariah: Excuse you?!
Kitty: Sauronakin jizzes posion? Good to know…
Few hours later
Amariah: Oh, thank the Creator…
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.
Amariah: Mordor is far more than a few hours’ ride from Mirkwood.
Kitty: However, Milkwood and Mondor are apparently next-door neighbors.
Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.
Amariah: And the posion has done… what, exactly?
Kitty: Infected her with Sauronakin’s bastard baby.
Amariah: Please stop saying things.
Then Laura said”I feel so cold”and then she can’t see very well.
Amariah: Oh, so that’s what it does: Gives her terrible eyesight. Sound familiar? *nudges Kitty*
Kitty: Keep teasing the dragon, cookie.
At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said”let Laura go”and then the Dark lord said”no”
Amariah: They’re dealing with a mini-Dead One! Did they really think yelling at him would work?!
Kitty: Hearing Sauron referred to as mini-anything is the most beautiful thing in the world.
and then Legolas said”right lisson I’ll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.
Kitty: What in the fuck? Is her cell literally at the top of the fucking gates?! What the hell is going on?!
Amariah: I’ve been wondering that since we got here.
Then Strider said”alright” and then Legolas started to clim up.
Amariah: The Elf-prince was immediately fired upon by the hundreds of archers stationed atop the gates.
Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.Gandalf said”I’ll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas”.Strdier said”becareful”and then Gandalf said”I will don’t you worry about me”.
Amariah: Actually, this one may be more accurate:
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said”Laura are you in there”
Amariah: So his plan is to run to every door yelling for Laura until she answers… ignoring the fact that she could be unconscious, gagged, or simply too weak to answer him. For that matter, what if some other female prisoner decides to mimic her voice to get him to open the wrong door? That’s precious time wasted.
and then Laura said”Oh Legolas you finally came”and then Legolas said”are you alright”and then Laura said”no I am not alright”
Kitty: Why the fuck would she be okay?! Look at where she is!
Amariah: Oh, she’s fine. A little violent rape topped off with a flogging and a brutal beating and sprinkled with posion is good for her. Pain builds character.
*Kitty pretends to brush the chip off of Amariah’s shoulder.*
and then Legolas said”they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion”and then Laura said”how did you know that”.
Amariah: Good question. He can’t even see you, yet, so unless he somehow guessed it from your tone of voice and the smell of blood, I would be rather concerned about whether or not he’s the real Legolas.
Then Legolas said”when I was your age they did the samething to me”.
Amariah: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Kitty: So, when he was literally ten to twelve years old, or when he was the Elven equivalent? Because I’m pretty sure Tolkien’s Elves take a fair bit longer than humans to reach maturity.
Then Laura said”can you get me out of here”and then Legolas said”ok stand back”and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
Kitty: Damn, son! Easy on the rice paper!
Laura said”wow”and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked”
Amariah: Three guesses which detail he’s most concerned about.
Kitty: How is she coved in blood and scars, exactly? Coving something provides it with a molding that hides or softens the transition from wall to ceiling.
and then Legolas said”why they did it to you not me”and then the Orcs came and said”because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys”.
Amariah: Odd that Sauron told them so much. You’d think “don’t kill the thing” would be enough for them, considering who the order is from.
Kitty: Even Google Translate doesn’t know what the fuck she’s saying anymore.
Then the fright began
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.
Kitty: Wait, why is he firing at his bow and arrows?
Amariah: Apparently he finds the gun far more effective.
Then Legolas saw some swords and said”Strider is that you”and then Strider said”yes it is”and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.
Amariah: Because right in the middle of a huge battle is the perfect time to notice things other than the guys you’re trying to kill.
Kitty: *Legolas* Strider! I didn’t know you’d be here, too! Lovely day for some Orc-killing, wouldn’t you say?
Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
Amariah: Oh, aye, nothing like taking on the embodiment of good twisted into evil to put a spring in your step.
Kitty: I don’t even have a good jab for distory. Maybe he’s trying to write Sauron out of the legendarium. I don’t even know.
Amariah: You look so forlorn.
Gandalf said”I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here”
Kitty: Sue Style! Arbitrary Character Inclusion no Jutsu!
and then a sword came out of nowhere and said”some wished us here”
Kitty: What the hell is Gurthang doing here?!
and then Gandalf turned and said”Frodo baggins why you doing here”.Then Frodo said”we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring”and then the Dark Lord said”oh no”and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
Amariah: Those Orcs certainly didn’t put up much of a fight.
Kitty: Worst. Zerg rush. Ever.
FEW HOURS LATER
Amariah: …They arrived back at Milkwood.
Kitty: *Legolas* Father, Mother, I found this little kid in Mondor…
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.Legolas said”we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better”.
Kitty: Brilliant show of faith in your own healers. Twit.
Then Gandalf said”I think you are right”and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.
Amariah: You don’t have to turn around. You have to head west and add half again to your travel time.
Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura’s head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said”she is getting wose”and then Legolas said”I know”.
Kitty: Hey, for once Legolas isn’t the one playing Captain Obvious!
Amariah: Isn’t Wose the Rohirric word for a Drúadan? Is the posion turning her into a Wild Man of the Woods?
Kitty: Maybe she’s been one all along.
FEW HOURS LATER
Amariah: No need to shout.
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura’s side everyday intill she wakes up
Amariah: If he’s been at her side every day, it’s been a fair bit longer than a few hours.
and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said”all you alright”and then Laura said”yes I am”.
Kitty: She’s still ten to twelve, Legolas.
Amariah: Now the poor boy’s Captain Oblivious. She’s awake and strong enough to hug him; I’m pretty sure she’s fine, now.
Legolas said”I am soo happy”and then Laura said”Do you want to be my boyfriend”and then Legolas said”yes I will be your boyfriend”and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
Laura said”what happened to me Legolas”and then Legolas said”you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion”
Kitty: It’s almost like she wants to make sure we’re clear on that point.
and then Laura said”why I can only move on arm”
Amariah: Good question. She was moving both just a second ago.
and then Legolas said”your left arm is broken”.
Kitty: Since when does having a broken arm make you incapable of moving it? And how is Laura not noticing the freaking cast?!
Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said”Hello Strider”and then Strider said”I see you are awake”and then Laura
Amariah: Took a brick to the back of the head, apparently.
Kitty: Welp, that wraps up this madness. Thanks for enduring it with me, Patrons! Say goodbye, Amariah.
Amariah: Fuck you, Kitty.