880: Homura Afterstory – Chapter Five Part 2

Title: Homura Afterstory
Author: CaptainAfrica
Media:  Anime
Topic: Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Romance/Suspense
URL: Homura Afterstory: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the final installment of Homura Afterstory! Man, this has been a bad one. I was expecting this fic to be bad, but I was not expecting it to be this pretentious, this overwrought, this stupid, this sappy, and this bad. But nevertheless, it’s almost over now.

So now that it’s almost over, let’s not waste any time, yeah? Let’s get right into it!

We start our last installment off with this:

“Just wait,” Homura said in return as she crossed the barrier, disappearing into the main stage. When the initial feeling of dizziness left her, Homura opened her eyes and was stunned at everything that was there. Ulrich’s demon was thousands of times as big as the colossi they had fought together, and what’s more…

“Ungh!” A figure yelled as it fell down from the sky and splat on the ground. It was a young boy, presumably another Puer Daemon. Homura had scanned the ground surrounding the demon, and noticed at least eight or nine of them had fallen upon trying to kill this thing.

Oh dear… So how big is this demon, anyway?

There’s no wonder they failed… Homura thought as she looked back up at Ulrich’s demon. It was a humanoid figure with legs as tall as skyscrapers, and two cylindrical arms that reached all the way down and buried themselves in the ground. The head was small and quite dim compared to the massive body, which crackled with electricity from time to time. Giant pillars would rise from the ground around it, lifting up anyone who was foolish enough to get near, and would smash against each other and drop the foes in order to permanently destroy them.

Oh, so it’s a giant demon with giant limbs that actually has a pretty small head all things considered.

Huh, Captain Africa gave himself an appropriate demon form without even realizing it…

“You the lover?” A voice said from Homura’s side. It appeared to be another Puer Daemon, one carrying a rather plain-looking lance and dressed in a knight’s clothing. “I wish you the best of luck. The world can die for all I care, I’m not going to waste my life dying to this thing. I guess I’ll just spend a few more minutes with those who I’ve fought for before this thing breaks its barrier and starts destroying the city.” With that, the Puer Daemon turned away, holding his lance over his back. “I don’t blame you. Fighting is better than doing nothing, even if you’ll just either kill what’s left of your lover or die to it. Though really, I do hope you’re able to win.” With that, the stranger left the main stage.

Oooookaaaaaaay…. So these Puer Daemons can talk now. Even though John didn’t talk when he turned, and Ulrich-Stu apparently can’t talk here… in fact, doesn’t that apply to the witches in the original series, too? Not even Walpurgis talked, and she was the most powerful witch of all… And sure, they made sound, but it wasn’t words, I don’t think…

Why do I even care? This is Homura Afterstory we’re talking about here! It doesn’t give a shit about canon as long as its main character gets to be pretentious!

Anyway, after this, we get a long action scene, which is notable since it’s the only time in this whole involved rigmarole in which Princess Homa actually gets to kick ass. Which is unfortunate that I’m going to have to skip most of it, because it’s an action scene and we’ve all seen how overly wordy these action scenes can get. So I’m going to jump straight to the part you’ve all been waiting for.

You know, the sappy part where Princess Homa saves Ulrich out of this form:

Wait for it… Wait for it… At the precise moment, Homura rolled to the side, and shot up one of her purple blades into the gap the spear had left. “Nisha wants you to come back, Ulrich…” Homura said softly as her hand glowed a brilliant sunset orange. The demon started to shriek, the blades clashing against each other in cacophonous agony. “Come out, my beloved…” The blades started to disperse, some flying towards Homura and giving her additional cuts as a stupendous orange light shown from within what was left of the demon. Homura smiled faintly as the remainder of the blades shot out and away, not dodging as she took the flat of a battle-axe right to her forehead.

“Ungh…” The girl collapsed as a figure dropped out from the orange light. Before the auburn aura had left his body, Ulrich was already cradling Homura, propping her up against his knee in concern.

“This light… Nisha… You…” The boy could only stutter as he held his beloved in his arms at a time he never thought would happen. “But you said… I didn’t want to forget me, but I didn’t want you to sacrifice yourself like this…” Tears started forming in both of their eyes.

*starts pelting tomatoes at Ulrich-Stu*

Boo! Boo! Fie and shame upon you! Sayaka and Kyoko are both trying to murder you in their heads now!

Well, maybe just Sayaka. Kyoko might be a different story given that Urlich cheated on Princess Homa with her.

“Oh please…” Homura muttered weakly as Ulrich cradled her head. “I’m far from sacrificed. I just might pass out for a while… From all that pain.”

Let’s hope she passes out forever. Believe me, it would be good for her to finally escape this stupid piece of shit.

“But… But I betrayed you, and made the wish knowing this would happen, and… It’s too… Too perfect.” Ulrich stopped to gulp down the lump in his throat.

Well, Ulrich, considering that you could’ve avoided a lot of the drama that happens in this story if you had just told Princess Homa the truth about your state of being in the first place, I think you’ll forgive me if I don’t spare any sympathy towards you right now.

“In my fanfictions, and in all my stories, there would never actually be a happy ending. Because… Because spending time with me only meant inevitable disaster.”

No, it just means inevitably getting the shit annoyed out of you. Don’t worry, I know it’s tough for shit-eating Gary Stus to understand the difference…

The boy gazed over Homura to see his battle-axe lying a few meters away from her. “I mean, I’m disgusting and lustful and power-hungry and bitter and cruel… The only reason I use an axe is to kill efficiently as possible, and so I can see the pathetic truths of the things I slaughter, their lame biological nature…”

OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Good God, I can’t even be hapy that this is the first time that you’ve acknowledged the fact that you are a pretentious douchebag, you just turn it into another opportunity to proselytize! Just… Shut up already, Ulrich!

“Shut up already, Ulrich,” Homura said with a friendly smile and giggle.

Oh. Thank you, Princess Homa.

Oh, and before I move on, that bit about “the only reason I use an axe is to kill efficiently as possible”? Um, you do realize there’s a reason the Tudor monarchy preferred to use swords when it came to beheading people at the Tower of London, right?

“You’ve already disappointed me enough, as your demon was so easy to beat… You don’t have to have some lame apology prepared, either. Just shut up and hold me, will you…?”

And of course, Princess Homa takes him back easily.

So to whit, we’ve got a couple who have been reunited even though the man was a total douchebag to his partner, we have the woman returning him to his human form even though all signs point to the demonization being a permanent change, a couple of characters are dead but one of them is the one the author hated for no good reason so she doesn’t count…

How could this last chapter possibly be any sappier?

“P-Pleasured…” the boy muttered as he held Homura up against his chest, who soon fell unconscious after. Before Ulrich could relish the thought of carrying her back to bed again, the ground started shaking, and spikes surrounded a certain circle. This circular part rose up into the air, and Ulrich realized that he was trapped. In a coliseum, as well… All of the blades and rubble from the previous fight was blown away with a sudden wind, and a tree burst through the ground, entangling Homura and lifting her up and away from Ulrich’s grip. Before the boy could run up the trunk, it dissipated suddenly, and his lover was left in the air, floating on a nest of brown branches.

Oh dear God, don’t tell me it’s going there too!

A low growling sound was hear behind Ulrich, and the boy turned to see his new foe. A wobbly sphere of darkness was floating in midair. This is the real thing, huh…? The Grief that had been stored in my heart for so long.

*headdesk*

Oh no, don’t tell me…

“I won’t become a perfect person if I beat you, right?” Ulrich asked almost casually as he picked up his battle-axe and prepared to fight. “But you’re the part of me that wants to keep being a demon, and keep Homuchan away in her own life… And so you want to trap and kill me too, huh? Well, whatever shape you take, be it a seven-headed hydra or an enormous three-headed dog, I’ll climb over your back and take you down!” Ulrich thrust out his battle-axe as he said those words, pointing to the shape-shifting mass of darkness.

Of course! Of course! It turns to a battle against the personification of your dark side! Great, and knowing Ulrich-Stu, he’s going to curb stomp it, just like he’s curb stomped every other enemy he’s come across during his journeys.

The Grief didn’t respond as it took on a rather plain figure. It had shifted into a humanoid figure, a silhouette of a man only slightly taller than Ulrich, and with a slightly larger frame. No weapon was summoned, and the demon just shifted his legs, as if ready to wrestle.

So Ulrich-Stu’s dark form is… fat Dark Link?

You know what? Sure. Why the fuck not?

Don’t get cocky now… Ulrich thought as he walked forwards slowly. The two figures began to circle each other, each anticipating the first blow. Ulrich lashed out with his battle-axe, and the demon swiftly dodged. A second, well-placed hit was somehow blocked by the foe’s arms as a dull thud resounded from the impact. He blocked something like this…? Ulrich spun around with a cleave, striking with a strength could cut through any metal, but before that could happen, the demon responded with a quite kick to Ulrich’s shoulder. The boy fell and bounced off the ground slightly, still in shock as a force the weight of a vending machine smashed into him from behind.

See? Wordy action scene is overly wordy! You’re not missing much from Princess Homa’s pass at this, believe me.

Crap, I’m stunned… Ulrich thought as he stumbled to his feet. A wrestler, is it…?

Well of course it is. It’s the only thing that makes sense when you constantly wrestle against logic and common sense in your frequent ramblings about human nature.

So anyway, we get a long action scene, Ulrich and the Grief he’s taken in fight each other to the end (good God, I can’t believe I actually had to write that shit), and… well, Ulrich wins, right?

What is it? Is this demon, my inner desire to destroy and destroy, stronger than my desire to protect Homuchan and see her happy? Were my feelings for her just born out of my pathetic weakness? Damn it… Damn it all!

Wait, what?

I suppose he was the better fighter, though, Ulrich thought as he looked down into the spikes, only staying up due to the demon holding the back of his shirt. At least this is a flashy way to die, huh… As the boy felt the wind running up his sides and entered free fall, one word leapt in his heart, soul, and body. No…

Oh hooray! Ulrich-Stu will finally get what he deserves! Yes! Finally! He gets to be taken over by his own grief again, and then we’ll all know him as the demon he really is! Hooray! I think it’s time to break out the—

No. That wasn’t how it was. The seconds became minutes, and the minutes hours as Ulrich flashed through his experiences with Homura. I saw her willpower, and saw her strength when she fought for Madoka… She inspired me to be strong, so I could protect her and live with her. Even though we may have cried, and gone crazy, and said stupid things, in the end, we’re bruising and scarring ourselves for each other, right? If I had never met Homuchan, I certainly would have never had the strength to ingest all of the Grief. That’s right. This was a relationship born out of strength, not weakness.

Oh no, fuck… This really is a thing about overcoming your dark side, isn’t it?

Then why the hell am I losing? Ulrich shouted to himself in his mind as he lashed out with his hands. Even on the side of this supposedly smooth platform, there is a rugged ridge, Ulrich realized as he held on to his life with his left hand, which had caught a groove in the wall. Lucky, am I…? Or is it something else entirely…

Wait a minute, Ulrich thought as he slowly pulled himself back over the ledge. If this realm is my subconscious, and the current me, the me that just realized my strength, is its owner, then… “All right,” the boy spoke up, causing the demon to turn in surprise at the return. “This time, we fight for real.”

*headdesk*

Of course it would turn into a battle inside the mind! Why was I expecting anything different from this fic?

The two figures clashed against each other once again, and this time, each one was struggling as they pressed shoulder to shoulder. Did I ever really want to fight, in the first place? Ulrich wondered. There’s the image of a male hero, Kyubey’s contract, and the natural instinct to fight, but… My psychology doesn’t have to be shaped by that, right? I don’t even have to make this demon this strong if I don’t want to. Somewhere along the lines, I blurred the line between fighting for thrill and fighting for Homuchan. That’s right. I don’t need a battle-axe or fancy kicks and body slams. All I need is one simple throw…

So all this fighting here is taking place inside your subconscious… even though you’re no longer a Puer Demon and you should have absolutely no control over the Labyrinth you’re now trapped in. And neither should you have control over your own grief, because then you could’ve just said this to yourself earlier and this fight scene would actually make logical sense.

Forget it, I think we all know what Captain Africa was thinking when he wrote this stupid scene:

With a swerve of his body, Ulrich spun to the left, and the demon, carried by its own momentum, started stumbling forwards and tripped against the edge of the Coliseum. A low groan was heard as something impaled itself on the spikes. The floating nest that was carrying Homura dissipated, and Ulrich ran over to her to catch her unconscious body. This reminds me of the time we first met…

Well, it shouldn’t, because she’s not about to get chickified to a sickeningly saccharine degree this time. Just saying…

The boy thought in his head,

“The boy thought in his head”? Oh, goody, it’s the first time he’s actually thought with his head in this whole involved rigmarole rather than with his pride and his dick! Halle-fucking-lujah!

but the sudden shaking of the stage told him that he should reminisce later. Platforms and pillars began sprouting from the ground, and Ulrich gracefully jumped across them, moving through flying spikes and blades as he carried his lover in his arms.

Ulrich broke back into Homura’s room a few seconds later. The girl was slowly coming to her senses upon being brought back into the familiar atmosphere. “Homuchan…” Ulrich muttered softly as he put her down on the bed. Homura just responded with a warm and comforting smile. For a moment, the boy stood there, confused and almost in tears, not knowing what to say.

“Jeez, Ulrich,” Homura giggled as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I told you to hold me, didn’t I? You shouldn’t stop just because I can’t move at the moment, or because I was unconscious…”

“Homuchan!” Ulrich yelled, flushing hotly as he snuggled in bed with her.

And of course, the two lovers are happily reunited. Of course they are.

As he had emerged from those blades, he had realized that he was no longer distracted by the incessant movements of miniscule molecules and atoms. The only thing that mattered was the beautiful young soul that was in his arms.

I know most of you expect me to make a Nicholas Sparks comparison as I normally do. I can’t, mostly because I don’t want to insult Nicholas Sparks with a comparison to this crap. Even he has standards when it comes to cloyingly manipulative plot lines, and I’m sure that even Mr. Sparks would refrain from trying to give the strictest vegan diabetes just from reading his stuff. I mean, fuck, Mr. Sparks at least has the decency to make most of his endings totally bittersweet instead of overly happy like Captain Africa!

“Homuchan…” Ulrich muttered again after a considerable silence, his tone different again. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t even tell you about what I did, and, and I… You were young and desperate, and… I seduced you, and Kyoko too… And even if I was at that stage I still, still acted like a jerk…. I’m s-sorry….”

Ulrich-Stu, this apology is too little, way too fuckin’ late for your character to be salvaged. Especially since it reveals just how stupid your character really is.

No, think about it for a second. For all the times that the story said you were incredibly intelligent, you couldn’t put two and two together that hey, telling her might not be such a bad idea? No, it’s after the fact that you come to that conclusion!

Captain Africa, here’s a newsflash: having your character go on long, rambly speeches about their views of the world does not make him look intelligent. It makes him look like a conceited douchebag. I guess this is just going to bounce off, though, considering that Ulrich-Stu is your precious little author insert, and how dare anyone point out that your self-insert character is a conceited douchebag, am I right, Captain Africa?

*BAM*

And with that, Ulrich cried in a girl’s arms for the first time, his face pressed against Homura’s with the warm tears mixing together.

“It’s okay, Ulrich, because I’m sorry too…” Homura said as she clung onto her lover even tighter. “I was unstable… irrational… You just wanted to have a happy time with me, right? And I said all those things when you started changing… And you still…”

“We still believed in each other,” Ulrich said as his tears continued to flow. “I suppose that’s what lovers do.” And with that, the two spent what left of the afternoon in bed, not jumping to sex or even kissing, but merely cuddling in each other’s warm arms until they both fell asleep.

And I guess that’s the end, right? I mean, it can’t really go anywhere else from here, yeah? The two lovers have been reunited, they’ve dealt with their inner demons, it’s all overly sweet and shit, and nothing can really make this any sappier, can it?

A white background and a red couch, Homura thought as she opened her eyes in her dream. And a girl in a white robe standing in front of me, except there’s no gray, no black, it’s… M…

“Madoka!” Homura yelled as she rushed over to her former friend and embraced her tightly.

Oh, goddammit!

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

One of these days, I need to learn how to stop tempting fate…

I don’t care if this is just a dream or trap. Madoka… All that pink, and that light, faint smell of her too… It was all too familiar.

*puts on a helmet*

Brace yourselves, patrons: this is gonna be downright painful.

And then, all of a sudden, Homura started breaking down. “I-I’m so sorry, Madoka… You must be mad. After you left, I started fighting demons just for the thrill and to kill time, and… I cursed you in my prayers sometimes, because you didn’t answer… And Ulrich, too… You know, you’ve been watching over us, right? I acted like a jerk to him, and… I’m sorry, you might not even like him. It’s sort of filthy, huh, the things that we did as a girl and a boy…”

Yare-yare, where do I even begin?

You know what? I can’t even find a good starting point here. So fuck it, this doesn’t even deserve a rant. I just… Seriously?

*headdesk*

“You’re in his arms, right?” Madoka said as she gently stroked Homura’s hair. “And you’re happy. That’s all that matters…

No, what matters is that she isn’t in a relationship with a totally self-absorbed douchebag. That might be more important than her being happy at the moment, you know?

I’m the one that should be sorry, Homura-chan.”

Yeah, Madoka, you better damn well be sorry for sitting back and doing nothing!

Homura could only nod tearfully as she buried her head in Madoka’s shoulder. “I couldn’t visit you in your dreams much at all… But I’m glad that you found someone to be with, even if Kyubey started it again.”

Wait, so you couldn’t visit Princess Homa in her dreams, and yet you’re somehow able to do that now. Um…

…You’re never going to explain how that’s possible, are you?

“But…but Madoka,” Homura said as she leaned back and looked into her godly golden eyes. “This new system Kyubey found… Aren’t you angry? It totally nullifies all of your previous efforts, and how you’re fighting Witches right now…”

Which wouldn’t be a problem if Madoka actually did her fucking job! Seriously, Captain Africa, why is Madoka powerless to stop this? Hell, I’ll take any explanation, at this point I’ll even accept a stupid explanation! Just, I need an explanation for this!

Madoka scratched the back of her head. “I don’t really think that way, Homura-chan. Because of my wish, you’re able to live your current life. And besides, I don’t think humanity is about changing the laws of the universe… Even if we can’t fix the system of Puer Daemons or human nature itself, you still have your loved ones. I’m really proud of how you were able to work everything out, Homura-chan.”

*facepalm*

You know what? I just… I can’t even. I just… did a post-series Madoka Kaname seriously just say that?

Give me a second, guys.

*rummages through the YouTube clips*

Ah, there we are!

Let us allow this funeral march to herald the final death of Madoka Kaname’s characterization in this fic.

*bows head, takes a moment of silence*

*perks head back up*

Okay, let’s just finish this scene.

“Ah…” Homura said as she leaned forward into Madoka’s chest. A deep silence passed between the two girls. “Can’t we just stay like this for a little longer…?”

“Sorry, Homura-chan,” Madoka said as she gently pushed her friend away. “I’ve got Witches to fight.

She’s got witches to fight? Um… I’m pretty sure Madoka didn’t actually fight witches in the new universe. Hell, it’s not even implied, considering that Witches aren’t technically allowed to exist in the universe.

So that confirms it: Captain Africa didn’t understand the way the series ended. It really says a lot about his adherence to canon that he based a large part of the plot of this fic around a complete misunderstanding of how the ending actually transpired and thus how this new universe actually works, yeah?

Demons are enough for your world, right? And one more thing. Make sure you take care of Kyoko-chan.”

“A-Ah,” Homura said as she wiped a tear from her eye. With that, Madoka gracefully turned around and everything blinked in a sharp white. Homura woke up in a daze to find herself still in Ulrich’s arms, pressed against his warm chest. He was snoring quite loudly, as well. Cute, Homura thought as she burrowed herself a little deeper into Ulrich’s chest. He’s cute… Thank you for everything, Madoka.

No, that should be thank the Stu, dumbass. Oh, and by the way, Captain Africa…

*BAM*

That’s for never once indicating that most of these thought bubbles are, in fact, thought bubbles. I just… what the hell!?

Anyway, after this, we get a scene shift, and we jump to Ulrich-Stu’s dreams.

Ulrich dreamt of a world full of destruction and sorrow, covered in gray rubble and broken buildings. A grey-eyed girl with sleek black hair in an elegant white dress was standing barefoot amidst all the ruin. “Well, that’s the first happy ending I’ve seen,” the stranger said with a smile.

Oh dear, it’s the Ring chick again… Please tell me she’s not here to lampshade how sappy this whole thing is.

Ulrich opened his mouth to say something, but the girl cut him off. “Don’t interrupt me. Ever since we died together painfully,” the grey-eyed girl continued. “Or should I say, another ‘you’… I’ve been looking through the multiverse for other versions of you. Of all of the different lives you led, lonely lives, famous and hectic lives, lives where you break hearts and they never recover… This is a sole exception.

I find it extremely difficult to believe that, across the whole of the multiverse, and that across unlimited numbers of things across the universe, that this one right here would be the only one that Ulrich-Stu ever found any happiness. Though, honestly, I don’t find that all too surprising that he encountered unhappy endings in most of them, considering that he is little more than a self-centered douchebag.

Oh well. Why learn from your mistakes when you can live in the one universe where you get to continue being a jerk because you met a girl submissive and naïve enough to fall for him?

I can’t do much at the moment, except sneak into a person’s dreams every other week or so and give them some sort of omen. But it gives me a little bit of hope to know that even you can make someone happy… Please, keep her really, really happy, won’t you?” With that, a bright white flash covered the landscape, and Ulrich opened his eyes to find himself lying next to Homura. Ah, that’s right…

Well, at least she was only in for a paragraph in this last chapter. I’ll take some comfort in that.

Anyway, after this, they both talk a little bit about their dreams. Ulrich tells about his meeting with the Ring chick, Princess Homa reminds us of the utter destruction of Madoka’s character recounts her meeting with Madoka, and then she says this:

“I asked her if she was upset about how Kyubey had made the world just as bad as it was before, and that she had worked so hard to slay Witches… But she said that it was fine if natural order didn’t change, as long as there were people that I loved….”

Fic, just… Can you please do this in the next ten minutes?

Trust me, you’ll get about eight thousand times better if you do.

“Ah,” Ulrich said, now able to put in a comment. “You know the saying, ‘things change, people don’t’? Well, I think that people change, but things don’t. Of course, material things change with technology, but what I mean is that all of the dark sides of human nature as a whole just don’t change… But individuals,” Ulrich said as he looked at the ceiling. “We’re able to overcome whatever bad fates that are supposedly put upon us.” As Ulrich uttered that last word Homura began giggling.

OH MY GOD, NO! NOT THIS AGAIN!

SHUT UP, ULRICH-STU!

*BAM*

SHUT UP!

*BAM*

SHUT UP!

*BAM*

SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM* SHUT UP *BAM*!

SHUT! THE FUCK! UP!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

*pant*

*pant*

*pant*

Holy God…

Seriously, Ulrich-Stu, we know what you meant by “some things don’t change”. You don’t need to tell us that! I mean, seriously, it’s almost redundant and—

*SIRENS BLARE*

Oh, fuck! Dammit, I finished that word!

*sigh*

Well, I wonder what they’ve got waiting for them this time…

*sounds of screaming, accompanied by weird sucking sounds*

*looks up*

Why yes, I did get them on loan from Dio Brando. However did you guess?

“I’ve missed your ravings,” Homura said as she clung onto her lover tightly. “That was well-put… I’m glad that you’re back.”

And the rest of us would rather jump into a spike pit in the middle of the Vietnam jungle than have to listen to another word of Ulrich-Stu’s ravings.

Next you’re going to tell me that Kyoko is just around the—

As the two sat there in bed in that precious moment, a sleek, red-haired figure slightly inched into the open doorway. “Ah, Kyoko,” Ulrich said, causing Homura to jump up from her position. “Did you want to help with dinner for tonight? Or perhaps stay over…?”

“Just letting you know that I’m fine,” Kyoko said solemnly. “After your stage began breaking apart, I just fled, all the way out the apartment, and… Nice work, you two. I guess I’ll be leaving now…”

…corner…

Fuck.

“Wait,” Homura called out as Kyoko turned to leave. Kyoko stopped, shivering for some reason. “I had a dream… It’s not just obligation, but Madoka told me to take care of you. You must be lonely, after all…”

“You… You’re not mad at me?” Kyoko turned her gaze to Homura, eyes full of remorse. “But-But I…”

Well of course she’s not mad at you. This wouldn’t be an overly-saccharine ending if she was, now, would it?

“We all did crazy things that time,” Homura said as she got off of the bed, inching towards Kyoko. “I think that you should live with us. After all, Mami and Nisha are gone, right?”

So? Even when Mami, Homura, and Sayaka were with her in the new universe, some of Kyoko’s dialogue implied that she still kept at least some of her distance from the other magical girls. So why the fuck would Kyoko be so afraid of living alone?

“Fine with me,” Ulrich said casually as Kyoko started to stifle her sobs. “It’s okay…” Ulrich said as he looked away. “We all need to cry sometime.”

Oh, trust me, I’ve been doing nothing but crying about how godawful this fic is, and I’m crying tears of joy now that it’s finally almost over!

With that statement uttered, Kyoko buried her head in Homura’s shoulder, passionately shaking with tears while hugging her only friend. “But… But I still like him, and it hurts always knowing that you’ll be the one…” Homura just stroked Kyoko’s hair, as if she was now Madoka. “I mean, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it when… You know…”

Hm, that is a good point, actually. Kyoko would probably still have the feelings of jealousy towards them, so maybe living together isn’t the best idea. After all, this kind of tension between housemates generally doesn’t tend to end well.

Ulrich?

“Just get soundproof earmuffs,” Ulrich suggested.

*headdesk*

You should get something thrown at you for that!

Homura took up a pillow and threw it right at Ulrich’s face.

Well, it’s not a brick, but it’s something. I’ll take it!

“Hey, I was serious there…”

Which just makes it worse, moron! No amount of earmuffs in the world can help deal with jealousy like that! That’s like getting your arm cut off by a chainsaw and then attempting to treat it with one of these:

“Don’t hit him,” Kyoko said as she wiping off a few tears. “Earmuffs sound like a good idea. Do…” Kyoko couldn’t help but flash a slight grin as she wiped off another tear. “Do you really moan that loudly…?”

Ulrich started cracking up a bit, the pillow still in his face, which in turn caused Kyoko to giggle casually. Homura, although embarrassed at this being revealed, simply put on a warm smile.

*headdesk*

Just roll out the closing narration, please!

And so, that was the new life. A guy living with two girls wasn’t bad at all, even if it would be awkward sometimes. The trio would still fight demons, but would just let the darkness billow into the sky if there was no Grief Seed. Homura still usually used her bow, but sometimes would strike with her twin blades in memory of Nisha. Ulrich still used his battle-axe, but would throw in some wrestles and punches along with the cleaves. Kyoko felt jealous from time to time, but she had achieved a feeling of satisfaction just by living with Ulrich and Homura. As for what happened to the darkness that billowed into the sky, or what’s left of Mami Tomoe… Well, those things solve themselves one way or another.

Against all odds, I was able to find a happy ending, Ulrich thought. Through all of the loneliness and cowardice and having to live alone in my old world… Perhaps I was just the next crazy kid back there, or perhaps those who knew me there genuinely mourned me. But only I can determine what life was best for me. There were messy and unpleasant bits, but right now, I think I did the most good by making the contract and being Homuchan’s lover.

So Ulrich got to live happily ever after, even though nothing has been accomplished by our heroes. Ulrich is still susceptible to taking in Grief, he still runs the risk of being turned into a demon at any time, the lot of the magical boy still sucks giant donkey dick, Kyubey is still allowed to contract other magical boys, Kyubey also has enough pieces in place that he could still try to get whatever it was he wanted out of Ulrich-Stu in the first place at a later time, our heroes now leave the Grief out so who knows what other demons are being created, Madoka is still not doing her fucking job, and the only thing that really changed with the status quo is that half the cast died and that’s it.

*BAM*

You know, it’s bad enough that the ending is overly saccharine and incredibly corny. No, the fact that nothing has been accomplished just makes it so much worse! And when you add the fact that the narrative doesn’t even fucking concentrate on how nothing has been done because its precious little author avatar has a cock warmer now…

Ladies and gentlemen, I think you know how bad it is when I can say without any hesitation that Homura Afterstory features the absolute worst ending of any completed fanfic I’ve taken to the Library. I just… what the shit!?

Anyway, that’s the end of the fic itself. Well, I guess it’s time to open the tequila, because we survived this thing! It took a lot of sweat and blood, but we—

Afterword:

Oh, goddammit, there’s an author’s note.

*sigh*

All right, author, what are you going to say?

Last chapter done all in one night from around 1:20, maybe to 5:12 AM. This took roughly three weeks, starting from December 14th (the date I had started writing my first ever fanfiction three years ago) to January 5th. 54,000 words in 21 days is not bad at all, in my opinion.

Wait, so you wrote this whole fic across the course of twenty-one days? Jeez, it’s no wonder it sucks to the degree that it does. I just… seriously, you know that most people only get a rough draft out of that time when they fill prompts for NaNoWriMo, right?

In any case, this was a desperate and heartfelt journey of daily sleep deprivation (as I can only focus after 1 AM or so),

Ah, and that would explain why all his ramblings are so disingenuous: he doesn’t get enough sleep each night.

eating ramen, marathoning this show for Christmas (3rd time watching) at 1:30-7 AM,

Wait, so this is the third time you’ve watched this show? And then you also did it at like 1:30 in the morning and did it until the sun rose.

You know, I’m going to assume that, considering the stuff I can gather about when this was posted and your age when this was posted, you were still going to high school during the weekday and all that. Even if you marathoned an entire TV show on an early Saturday and/or Sunday morning, I have to wonder how the fuck you got enough sleep to function on a day to day basis.

Well, patrons, the moral of this story is: GET YOUR FUCKING SLEEP!

touching myself,

Whoah, now, that’s way too much information, dude! Jesus, we did not need to know that!

fantasizing while hugging blankets, playing way too much Grief Syndrome and playing way too much Lost Saga. Shouldn’t be talking about that.

I don’t know, you could conceivably apply that to everything in this fic. Maybe you should actually pause and think about some of this stuff before you actually write it down in the future, yeah?

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this!

I most certainly did not enjoy this. In fact, it was almost painful to read in spots! I mean, seriously, the action feels weird, the plot is full of holes, and the main character is an unlikable assbag who warps the canon around him to be all about himself.

Yeah, I guess there are some areas where the action feels weird and the plot overall is strangely done, but I believe art is more about giving an experience than telling a story (although you can say that a good plot makes for a better experience).

*headdesk*

Okay, Captain Africa, just… You have no idea what you’re doing.

You believe “art” is about giving an experience than telling a story? Fine, fair enough, I’ll accept your definition of “art” at face value because it is a perfectly valid interpretation.  Hell, I’ll even accept your assertion that fanfiction is a form of art: if I disputed that notion, I wouldn’t be here at the Library. But if you’re going to go with that interpretation, you have no excuse for bad writing at the level you have there.

See, here’s the thing you don’t seem to realize: while it is true that rules were meant to be broken, there’s a reason they came about in the first place. Therefore, you have to understand exactly how it is you tell a story. It’s the reason why people make you take tons of music theory courses when you’re a composer: to be able to break the rules, you first have to understand why they’re there in the first place. You cannot ignore the fundamentals, CaptainAfrica! And now, I get the feeling that you ignored the fundamentals without ever giving thought to why you were doing it in the first place.

There is such a thing as “bad art”, and for me, “bad art” is any art where the author’s intent fails to come through because he botches the basics so hard. The “experience” you wanted to give us did not come through because your story is bad on a fundamental level. Therefore, Homura Afterstory is a piece of bad art, and your excuse is lame as hell!

I probably won’t be writing any more fanfiction for a while, but last time I said I quit, so who knows? If you want to know more, just visit my profile page.

Well, he wrote more fanfics after this. Three of them, to be precise.

And you know, I don’t want to know more. In fact, here’s my general reaction to you after this shitty fanfic:

*falls back*

Well, patrons, I did it. I powered through Homura Afterstory. And all I can say?

Good. God. This is the single most pretentious thing I’ve ever read in my life. And honestly, I think it’ll remain as the single most pretentious thing I’ll ever read in my life. It’s that pretentious. And couple that with a bad romance subplot, a main plot that requires you to disregard major canon details, and the way the women in this fic are treated…

I’m glad it’s over.

And now, I have to find something new. But in the meantime… well, we have other things to mock. So I’ll see you next time when I power through the remaining chapters of the Quarter Quell sequels.

Bring helmets. I get the feeling you’ll need them.

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128 Comments on “880: Homura Afterstory – Chapter Five Part 2”

  1. SuperFeatherHarbinger says:

    ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL

    /人※ ‿‿※人\
    We are perfection, you are bacteria.

    Prepare yourselves for ascension.

    Relinquish your soul to us.

  2. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Oh, so it’s a giant demon with giant limbs that actually has a pretty small head all things considered.

    Huh, Captain Africa gave himself an appropriate demon form without even realizing it…

  3. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    I dunno, I thought Izabel can talk..

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Really? Which one was Izabel?

      • SuperFeatherHarbinger says:

        The one that looks like this?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Dammit, I think I’m having a memory slip. Which episode was it in again?

      • SuperFeatherHarbinger says:

        The one with glasses Homura?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hm… Maybe? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever saw Homura’s witch…

      • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

        No, I mean the one from episode 10, the one that attacked glasses Homura.

        By the way, this is Homura’s witch.

        You get to see it in the PSP game if you fight Walpurgis alone and loses. In which case Homura’s time shield breaks and she falls into despair. Not much is known about it, but I heard it has the power to reverse, pause and fast forward time at will.

        There’s another version of the same witch, but that’s spoiler…

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh! That one! Okay, I remember now. I think.

  4. SC says:

    The only reason I use an axe is to kill efficiently as possible.

    Ooh, yeah, unless that’s Abraham’s axe from Sleepy Hollow, which super-heats its edge on a whim, you’re gonna wanna revise that statement about efficiency juuuuust a tad.

    (And before Fraug kills me, let me make it clear that Abraham’s axe retains its form perfectly in spite of the super-heating blade edge on account of demonic magic due to being the Horseman of Death. Probably. It’s easier to just assume that than the writers not bothering to explain it at all.)

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hey, it wouldn’t be a disingenuous super!Stu if he was actually correct about things!

      • SC says:

        I watch Sleepy Hollow, which is a revamped version of the original tale where all the Horsemen of the Apocalypse are fuckton-overpowered Evil!Stus in their own right. I should know this already, and yet I keep fooling myself into thinking otherwise.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        It’s also set in the modern day, and in a New England with nary a Dunkin’ Donuts in sight… Hm…

      • SC says:

        New England is a strange land, it is.

  5. SC says:

    How could this last chapter possibly be any sappier?

    You should really stop tempting fate.

  6. SC says:

    The world can die for all I care, I’m not going to waste my life dying to this thing.

    You go, Lance-Guy! No sense fighting a Stu-demon that the badly-written plot demands to be the victor regardless of your efforts!

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I know, right? It’s funny how the extra is the only one who’s using his brain here, while the Stu is the one pumped up as being intelligently written.

      • SC says:

        The extras don’t get as badly Suefluenced, so they have the power to run the fuck away before the plot gets them.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        And that is why we love them more than the actual main characters.

      • SC says:

        It’s interesting, most of the time, the extras are meant by the author to be snubbed as characters for whatever reason… But they end up getting written as far more sensible and likable than the ACTUAL PROTAGONISTS.

        That’s some reverse logic shit going on there.

  7. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    It really says a lot about his adherence to canon that he based a large part of the plot of this fic around a complete misunderstanding of how the ending actually transpired and thus how this new universe actually works, yeah?

    …..
    ………
    Would you guys kill me if I say I didn’t realize that Harbinger was a Reaper the whole time and not just the Collector General’s name after I beat Mass Effect 2?

  8. SC says:

    Um, you do realize there’s a reason the Tudor monarchy preferred to use swords when it came to beheading people at the Tower of London, right?

    Big-ass, heavy swords, too. Something about the blade being able to just cleanly swipe right through instead of getting STUCK MIDWAY IN, thereby forcing you to wrench it back out for continued use.

    See, axes have one big drawback, and that’s that they’re designed more like a wedge than swords are (how do you think you get that triangular divot in trees when you hit them with an axe?), which is great for splitting skulls, but not so good for clean beheadings, because as the blade thickens out closer to the shaft, it’s liable to get stuck in whatever it’s cutting, so if you’re not strong enough to just rip it through on the first try, you’re probably gonna have some issues.

    Again, Abraham’s axe is the big exception to this rule, because it can super-heat its blade on a whim and cleave through necks like butter.

    And now is the part where I wait for somebody to elaborate on just how wrong or right I am.

  9. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Praise Madoka, this shitfest is finally over!
    Time for some !Badass HomuHomu to neutralize all the !Princess HomuHomu.

  10. one carrying a rather plain-looking lance and dressed in a knight’s clothing.

    So this Daemon is wearing a tunic and hose rather than armor? Bold wardrobe choice.

  11. The only reason I use an axe is to kill efficiently as possible…

    An axe is one if the least efficient ways of killing someone, they’re basically bludgeoning weapons. A gun would be loads more efficient.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Again, there’s a reason the Tudor monarchy favored swords for beheadings. And that’s among many other things.

      • SC says:

        Really, I think axes were strictly reserved for the heavy units because they could actually get a good swing on those things in order to pull the whole weapon through without it getting lodged.

        I can’t say that with certainty, though.

      • The sword was reserved for nobility, poor people still had to deal with the axe. That’s why it was a good idea to bribe the executioner, since he’d likely put more effort into making it a (relatively) clean blow.

      • SC says:

        Well, nobility, or whichever lucky sod managed to snag one off a dead body, but your point still stands regardless.

      • For formal executions the nobles got the sword, but in battle it was definitely grab & go for most of the swag.

    • SC says:

      Like I said, axes are, were, and always have been designed like wedges for cutting through the thick wood of trees. They’re either a glorified bludgeon or a crappy sword blade that the smith managed to salvage by sticking on a shaft and calling an axe.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hm… There might be some good battle axes, ’cause I have seen some axes at sword vendors…

        Fraug!

      • SC says:

        I imagine there were good battle axes of the day… But, like I said, they were probably relegated to heavy units and cavalry, who could get a better swing on them.

      • It’s not that there aren’t good battle axes that could be useful in certain situations, it’s that Ulrich-Stu’s claims of an axe being the most efficient weapon are completely false. It takes a lot of effort to swing an axe, as well as plenty of space, since you need that inertia to inflict damage. They can do quite a bit of damage, though.

      • SC says:

        Sure, but I still contend that it takes a right brute of a man to make it cleanly take somebody’s head off.

      • Well, sure. Even under ideal conditions – with the victim bound and held stationary, their neck stretched taut and a block of wood underneath – it was difficult to cut someone’s head off in one blow. They didn’t employ ninety-pound weaklings as executioners.

        I don’t know why anyone would try to chop off a head in battle, though. The torso’s a bigger target; it has all those easily damaged organs to boot.

  12. SC says:

    54,000 words in 21 days is not bad at all, in my opinion

    Wow, this guy would be a rock star at NaNo.

    But only as far as hitting the word count goes. His quality of writing would be laughable.

    I, meanwhile, can still find time to go back and edit the absolute shit points after reaching a certain goal of the day because I care about my work.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Funny how we’re talking about NaNo while NaNo is going on, am I right?

      But yeah, his writing is shit, and it continued to be shit even after this story.

      • SC says:

        Hey, I’ve got a head-start on my word count goal today because I screwed up the other night and only reached half of my word goal, so I had to bump up the goal in order to get back on pace. I can afford the chat time.

  13. Before Ulrich could relish the thought of carrying her back to bed again

    :headdesk:

    She just passed out from the incredible pain of her injuries, and you’re thinking about having sex with her?

    :THWACK!:

    Baka!

  14. “I’ve missed your ravings,” Homura said

    :repeatedly slaps Princess Homa with a dead mackerel:

  15. touching myself,fantasizing while hugging blankets,

    So this is literally a masturbatory fantasy. Ugh.

  16. …I guess there are some areas where the action feels weird and the plot overall is strangely done…

    SOME areas?!?

  17. The Crowbar says:

    Oh my…

    This assfest is finally done?

  18. Delta XIII says:

    Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the final installment of Homura Afterstory!

    It…it’s over?
    It’s finally over?!

    YAY!!!

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-YCN-a0NsNk

  19. leobracer says:

    I just checked out Captain Africa’s profile.

    And apparently, he acknowledges that he’s hated. But he doesn’t seem to give a shit that he’s hated.

    He’s one of those people who likes any kind of attention that they can get, be it negative or positive.

    Gee, I wonder what that tells us.

  20. TacoMagic says:

    There’s no wonder they failed… Homura thought as she looked back up at Ulrich’s demon. It was a humanoid figure with legs as tall as skyscrapers, and two cylindrical arms that reached all the way down and buried themselves in the ground. The head was small and quite dim compared to the massive body, which crackled with electricity from time to time. Giant pillars would rise from the ground around it, lifting up anyone who was foolish enough to get near, and would smash against each other and drop the foes in order to permanently destroy them.

    Way to rip off Shadow of Colossus there, CaptainAfrica.

    *Slow clap*

  21. TacoMagic says:

    I mean, I’m disgusting and lustful and power-hungry and bitter and cruel…

    If you’re looking for somebody to disagree with you, you’ve come to the wrong place. You’re a horrible person and your death would enrich the world, dude.

  22. TacoMagic says:

    Crap, I’m stunned… Ulrich thought as he stumbled to his feet.

    *Facepalm*

    Author, the whole point of being stunned is that it makes you disoriented and unable to form coherent thoughts. If you can think “I’m stunned!” then you aren’t.


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