875: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter VI

Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter VI
Critiqued by Ghostcat (with special guest, Ishi)





Hello and Happy Halloween, Patrons!

It is I, the ghoulish Ghostie, here with my merry clan of ninjas, who are all festively attired for the holiday! Well, as festively as a group of ultra-stealthy and silent assassins who dress all in black can be, I guess. Most of them just painted their masks white and came as mimes. Ishi-sensei has even managed to get over his little snit and has joined me to help pass out candy! Isn’t that right, sensei?

“I still think the children would be happier with shuriken, Ghostcat-sama.”

You know what the Library’s policy is on handing out weapons to kids.

“If you get caught, it was Dragon-kun’s idea?”

Don’t make me bite you again.

So what happened last week? The author proved that it is possible to make fire-dancing, a giant bonfire, and a mechanical cobra attack really boring. There was also the introduction of Sasha, the gold-loving Earthbender, but she really didn’t do much to help out in the ten seconds she was in the chapter.

On to the chapter!

Intense heat drifted through the air in the dungeons of Aku’s castle.

The palace is in a desert and Aku does like to keep his Formless Void filled with fire, so I can see how it would get a little warm.

“You have a gift for understatement, Ghostcat-sama.”

Hey, I’m Southern; I can tolerate high temperatures well.

“So why is it that you are currently attired in two sweaters, flannel pajamas, and fluffy bunny slippers?”

It’s cold in here.

“The Library’s thermostat reads a mild sixty-eight degrees.”

Well, I’m freezing! :wraps scarf around neck: Get me a quilt, will you?

One of the iron cells’ contained Jacob Lee, who was shackled to the wall, and had iron balls chained on his heels.

:Ghostie giggles:

“Very mature, Ghostcat-sama.”

Sweat poured down his face and drenched his shredded clothes.

Too bad you’re not a waterbender, all that liquid could come in handy.

“Are you certain he is not? He is the twin of Jewel-san and shares half of the water spirit she inherited.”

… Well, shit. Why isn’t he bending his way out with his sweat, then?

His shirt and pants were torn and ripped in places from where Aku’s guards had whipped and beaten him.

I think you covered that with “shredded clothes”, author. Seems a little re…

:sirens blare:

Ooh, trick-or-treaters!

:Ishi hands Ghostie the Xenodoken Gun:

Pardon me for a moment.


“That was quite … entertaining, Ghostcat-sama. Fumiko-san in the Wardrobe Department has really outdone herself.”

I hope the agents appreciate how difficult it was to get the xenomorphs to wear costumes. She had to practically hot-glue bunny ears on one to get them to stay in place.

“And by ‘practically’, you mean…?”

She hot-glued bunny ears to a xenomorph’s head.

Jacob moaned and grunted as he desperately attempted to break the shackles from his wrists by using his raw strength alone.

“A futile endeavor for even the strongest of men.”

How so?

“Iron is much stronger than bone; Jacob-san would likely break his own wrists rather than the manacles.”

I guess Man-Candy’s not that bright.

Unfortunately, Jacob’s raw strength wasn’t enough to bend the shackles from his wrists which had him locked securely to the wall.

“Told you so.”

No one likes a gloating ninja, sensei.

His spiritual water powers had been drained exceedingly due to poor hydration, and the fact that there was no water in the air around him, Jacob could easily use that to his advantage.

“Apologies, but my English has failed me. This is a definition of ‘advantage’ that I am not familiar with.”

That’s a new one for me, too. I think Man-Candy might be delirious.

By using his spiritual water bending abilities,

“That would be the waterbending abilities that do not function at present due to his dehydrated state?”

The author might have forgotten about that part.

“But it has been less than a paragraph!”

:shrugs: Meh. It happens.

he could freeze the shackles around his wrists,

No, he can’t.


That’s an temperature-based power, not a water-based one. In the canon the author is blatantly stealing from the waterbenders can freeze their water into solid shapes, but they can’t just freeze objects by themselves. That’s more along the lines of Elsa’s ‘Snow Queen’ powers.

:Ishi begins humming ‘Let It Go’ :

Ahhh! :grabs forehead: You bastard, I just got that song out of my head!

and freeze the iron balls’ chained to his heels in order to destroy them so he could be free.

I don’t see why you’d have to freeze the entire ball when you can just freeze the section attached to your body.

:Ishi giggles:

Now who’s immature?

Since there was no water in the air, Jacob was unable to use his powers to break free from his prison.

“Apologies, but you are currently soaked in water; your bodily fluids, including sweat, urine, and even blood, contain water. Even the very breath that leaves your body contains water vapor.”

Wow. The human body is a regular water-making factory.

“We are little more than sacks of liquid wrapped around a rigid framework, Ghostcat-sama.”

Very poetic, sensei.

Sweat continued to rain down his face, and a few drops of perspiration hit his scars from where Aku’s minions whipped him. His sweat stung his scars, and the heat from within his jail cell just made the pain more excruciating.

Ugh. I have no idea why he’s sweating so much, except to set up his inevitable escape. Can we just skip ahead to that?

“Apologies, but if Jacob-san is as dehydrated as the narration claims, then he should not be sweating.”

Why not? It’s supposed to be pretty toasty in this cell.

“One of the symptoms of extreme dehydration is dry skin, the body literally does not have enough water available to make sweat.”

I guess that makes sense. Hey, it’s supposed to be really arid as well! Any sweat he does make should evaporate pretty fast.

“And yet he remains drenched in his own secretions.”

Ewww. I guess his sweat is magical or something.

Then a crazy and outrageous idea popped into Jacob’s head as sweat poured from his body incessantly.

Is it “I can bend my sweat to escape prison”? Because it has been done before by Katara.

“The idea is painfully obvious even to one unfamiliar with the plagiarized materials.”

Yeah, the author’s really telegraphing this one.

It occurred to him that he could use his own sweat as a water source for his advantage of escaping.

Except your powers aren’t working due to your severe dehydration.

“And you should have no sweat available to bend with these abilities that do not work.”

That, too. This is just a double dose of failure.

He glanced around to make sure no one was watching him, and when he knew the coast was clear he took action.

“Sitting quietly in his chains, cursing his impotent powers?”

Oh, you know better than that by now.

Hai, so des’.

The really sad thing is, this could be a decent scene; if Man-Candy came up with the idea of bending his sweat but had no sweat to work with then there would be some much-needed dramatic tension as he tried to figure out how to solve the problem rather than having the first idea that pops into his vacant skull be the only solution.

“I sense anger in your words, Ghostcat-sama.”

Caught that, did you?

Jacob used his water bending powers to bend the sweat from his body, and he used it to cut through the metal shackles on his wrists.

:headdesk: Just as we suspected.

Wait a second – his wrists are bound. How can he bend water if he’s all chained up?

Wakarimasen; I do not understand. Why would his restricted movement affect his powers?”

Yeah, if the bending follows the same rules as Avatar‘s bending; there are specific gestures, sometimes involving the entire body, that are used to bend the chosen element. If he can’t move, then he can’t bend properly even if he does have access to water.

“Perhaps the author has elected not to use that particular restriction?”

But Sasha, Jewel-Sue, and Rosalina/Rosaline all used gestures when they were bending. That’s what, three different ways this scene shouldn’t work?

“And was Jacob-san not originally planning to freeze his manacles and cause them to shatter rather than cutting them with water?”

:blinks: Frickin’ hell, it was! What ever happened to that plot fragment?

After the shackles on his wrists were shattered,

Cut, shattered – same difference, right?

he bent his sweat with his powers, and brock the chained balls’ of iron from his heels.

It almost looks like his balls were attached directly to his feet, which sounds painful.

“I once treated an unfortunate patient cursed with a similar affliction; it was quite … messy.”

Ewww. I imagine that would be considered a curse.

“No, it was a genuine curse. One should not trifle with the affections of an akuma.”

Good to know.

He found an iron nail on the floor of his jail cell, and used it to pick the lock.

Because any thin metal object is instantly a key.

“It is strange, this fetish you Outsiders have with these key-amulets. I understand you carry the talismans with you everywhere you go?”

Well, yeah. You need keys to open doors and such. You can’t walk up to any locked door and just open it.

“Truly? How quaint.”

Not everyone can be a ninja, you know.

When Jacob successfully picked the jail cell lock, he snuck down the hallway, and entered into a room that was only for Aku’s minions.

Is that like the ninja lounge downstairs? Because even I’m not supposed to go in there.

“The clan values its privacy; the Library can be a difficult place to relax.”

Yeah, it gets a little noisy at times, especially when Gumdrop’s in the mood for karaoke – but I think you’re just still upset with Monocle and the ceiling incident.

“The loud single-lensed one irritates others like a stone in the sandal.”

There was a scroll sealed in a glass box in the center of the room that contained magic spells and curses.

Is it glowing softly with an ethereal light? Because then you should definitely touch it.

“That would be a foolish act, and possibly dangerous.” :pause: “I also think he should touch it.”

Just not too much or he’ll go blind.

He had recently discovered this room and the scroll a few days ago when he eavesdropped on a conversation between two of Aku’s guards.

You’re just randomly pulling things out of the big Bag-o-Clichés now, aren’t you?

“When has it ever been otherwise?”

Jacob know perfectly well that there was a spell inside that scroll that could return him home.

Let me get this straight; the demonic minions of Aku who have been ceaselessly torturing Man-Candy for however long he’s been held captive stopped to casually chat about a mystical item in such a way that he knows that would be useful to him?

“I would distrust such a situation; it has all the appearance of a trap for Jacob-san.”

It’s either a trap set up by Aku or really bad writing; I’m hoping for the first but it is more likely the second.

The only problem he faced now was breaking into the glass box in order to steal the scroll.

I’m having unsettling flashbacks to A burning Rose.

Without making a sound, he managed to close the door behind him, and he used his telekinesis powers to lock the door.


“Thank you for the poncho, Ghostcat-sama.”

Sorry it took so long to arrive.

Why does he have telekinesis? And why the hell was he mucking about with his water powers – which should be nearly useless right now – instead of using his telekinesis? Instead of trying to break the manacles or cut them with water, he could have just picked the locks with his brain!

“Like many characters within the Library’s fics, Jacob-san does not allocate his available resources wisely.”

Other than his water bending abilities, Jacob also possessed the power to levitate objects with his mind.

A.K.A. telekinesis, which is what you just said you had.

:sirens blare:


:hands Xenodoken Gun to Ishi:

Your turn, sensei.



Huh. Even dressed as Betty Boop, a xenomorph is surprisingly intimidating.

“It is an image that will haunt me always.”

He prayed that his telekinesis would help him to retrieve the scroll just as it did by locking the door.

You have waterbending abilities that work even though they shouldn’t, it’s implied you also have ice-based abilities that can shatter objects, and you have telekinesis. The object you are after is in an unguarded room, clearly visible in a breakable container. Yeah, this might be tricky.

“One wonders why Jacob-san is spending so much time trying to obtain this scroll instead of using those abilities to escape.”

Never underestimate the allure of a plot coupon.

Sensing that the room was booby-trapped,


And he has Trap Sense! I thought that was a Rogue skill, not a Mage skill. Man-Candy must be dual-classing.

“Apologies, but how is this Trap Sense tied to his existing abilities?”

I don’t know, maybe the water in the air allowed him to feel the traps. We’ve seen similarly absurd bullshit before in the Library.

he inhaled deeply through his nose, and then exhaled an enormous amount of ice breath into the air.

“In truth, that is quite plausible.”

You’d better have a good explanation for that statement.

Hai. As I have previously stated, there is a small amount of water vapor in one’s breath. Jacob-san could freeze the vapor with his waterbending and form a white mist. It would be very little, though – like a warm breath on a cold day.”

Not really sure how that would be helpful to him right now, but nice to know it isn’t total bullshit.

“I am certain it was completely accidental.”

Just like Rosalina had the ability to breathe fire Jacob had the ability to breathe both water and ice.

“An ability shared by all air-breathing creatures.”

Well, everyone has the ability to exhale water vapor – but the narration kind of makes it sound like he can produce a large quantity of water or ice out of the ether.

“But if that were true, then how could Jacob-san have ever become weak from a lack of water?”

I’m pretty sure the author forgot all about his informed weakened state.

He knew his ice breath would come in handy in this particular situation, because he could see there were red security beams covering the room.


Wakarimasen; I do not understand. Why would his ice breath be a useful ability in this situation?”

He’s going to use his ice breath to make the beams visible.

“But the narration states that he can already see them.”

Yeah, but the author just gave him a new ability so he has to use it immediately before she forgets he has it.

If he took one step and hit the red beams, either the beams would hurt him or set off a security alarm. Jacob could not afford to get injured further, and he did not want to get caught by Aku’s guards.

There are actual dangerous lasers that can hurt someone all over this room, a room that is supposedly only for the use of Aku’s minions? Why would anyone ever do that?

“You must not have seen the modifications DeburuMegane-chan has made to the kitchen.”

:sigh: Okay, why would anyone who isn’t Bifocals ever do that? It makes no sense to booby-trap a room only used by your minions, a room that holds only this one glass box and scroll. What is so damned important about this thing?

Using his telekinesis powers was the only way he was going to retrieve that scroll.

“Apologies, but I still do not understand why he could not attempt to leave the palace using only the abilities he currently possesses? They appear quite formidable.”

The author probably saw a similar scene and decided to shove it into the fic. Because reasons.

He sat down on the floor in a meditating position, and began to focus his powers on unlocking the glass box.

“Apologies, but what is Jacob-san doing?”

I have no idea. He didn’t have to meditate to lock the room’s door.

His eyes glowed bright blue

That also didn’t happen when he locked himself in.

“Jacob-san’s most powerful ability is to gain new traits at an astonishing rate.”

as the glass box unlocked and the door of it opened.

With virtually no effort on Man-Candy’s part.

“Impressive considering his informed weakened state.”

Jacob continued to focus his energies on making the scroll levitate into the air. Then the scroll floated in mid-air across the room, and levitated around the security beams into Jacob’s hands.

:yawns: If this is supposed to be suspenseful, it isn’t.

:Ishi flips through magazine: “Please inform me when something of interest occurs.”

As soon as the scroll landed in his hands, he opened the scroll, and skimmed through the spells until he found a transportation spell.

Why does he have to look for it? It was previously stated that he knew the scroll contained information that would help him get home, but now it looks as if he has to go searching for something that might help him and was just lucky that there was something that could. So which is it? Did he know there was a transportation spell that would help him escape, or is he just guessing that it does?


Very helpful, sensei.

The writing on the scroll was written in an ancient Arabic language that Jacob could read perfectly.


Of course it is! How lucky for him it’s an ancient language that he knows perfectly!

“And how fortunate that the minions who both tortured him and used this chamber also knew the same ancient tongue and could gossip about the scroll’s contents while standing within earshot of Jacob-san.”

Well, it just sounds kind of silly when you put it that way.

Madam Alicia had taught both Jewel and Jacob how to read, write and speak fluent ancient Arabic.

Oh, I really hope he doesn’t have to speak out loud to cast this spell.


Dude, you’ve heard me trying to pronounce Japanese words, right?

Hai. The clan found it quite amusing.”

Gee, thanks. Thing is, that’s a “live” language – one I can actually hear how it is supposed to sound by listening to other people who speak it on a daily basis and adjust my pronunciation accordingly. If this ancient language is “dead”, then any pronunciation would be Magic Alicia Ball’s best-guess estimate of what it might have sounded like. There’s also the fact that the Magic Alicia Ball has a very strong accent, which would affect her pronunciation as well. Man-Candy might wind up giving himself antlers or something.

Thanks to Madam Alicia’s teaching, he was able to read the spell from the scroll, and cast the spell without any trouble whatsoever.


Sweet mercy, this is one of the dullest prison break scenes I’ve ever read. It’s over in one sentence.

“Shall I add ‘casting unknown spells perfectly’ to Jacob-san’s list of Stu abilities?”

Yeah, go ahead. I don’t think it would fall under one of the other skills he currently possesses.

From what he read on the scroll, the transportation spell required the spell casters to mark lines of blood on their wrists, palms, soles of their feet and forehead. Jacob pricked open a wound of his in order to smear blood on his wrists, palms, soles of his feet and forehead.

Wait a second … he hasn’t cast the spell yet? But it just said that he cast it perfectly!

“I believe we have experienced a slight time-skip, Ghostcat-sama.”


Does this spell look odd to you, sensei? I could understand marking the feet, since your feet are associated with travel, but why his wrists and palms but not his ankles? It just seems so random.

“I question why a transportation spell would require a blood sacrifice. Such acts are normally associated with dark magic.”

Well, the scroll was owned by the personification of pure evil. The thing’s probably steeped in more dark magic than the Necronomicon.

“Yet another reason to leave it where it was and use his innate abilities to escape.”

I told you; never underestimate the allure of a plot coupon. They’re like catnip for Stus.

When he finished marking his body with his own blood, he read the spell on the scroll, and found that the last bit of instructions said he needed to speak the spell out loud in order for it to work.

Oh, dear. :puts on rain poncho: This could get messy.

“Please give me back my poncho, Ghostcat-sama.”

Jacob read the transportation spell out loud while continuing to sit in a meditating postion:

“Apologies, but what is this ‘meditating position’ that the narration continues to refer to? I know of many positions used for relaxation, but I know of none called by that name.”

I assume he’s sitting tailor-style, but it doesn’t really specify. Let’s get Uncle Google to pick out a pose for Man-Candy;

The official “meditating position”


Man-Candy’s really flexible.

“And has surprisingly shapely hindquarters.”

I call upon the wind,

Another place to me you send.

Ugh, prose.

“Exceptionally awkward prose.”

Transport me through the sky,

Faster than birds can fly.

:sings: Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high! Just take a look, it’s in a book – Reading Rainbow!

:Ishi falls to his knees, head in hands: “It is in my brain!”

Ha! That’s for putting Elsa in my head.

Send me to where I desire,

A place where I can retire.”

So he’s going to Florida?

“Herr-san will be thrilled.”

The references to wind, the sky, and birds makes me think this could be some kind of flying spell. That does not sound like a good thing to have right now.


Man-Candy is currently somewhere in the depths of Aku’s palace, so there are probably quite a few walls between him and the sky outside. That could be painful.

After he spoke the spell aloud, his body along with the scroll vanished without a trace.

So he didn’t fly, he just vanished? Then why wasn’t the crappy poem about vanishing instead of flying?

“I must admit that I am having difficulties ascertaining the laws which govern this magic.”

The author calls it spiritual energy, not magic, but it’s the same thing. And I don’t really think there are any rules for its use, it just does whatever the fic needs it to.

Jewel awaited for the miracle of Jacob’s arrival right under their treehouse.

Which makes you in the wrong place; the Magic Alicia Ball told you he’d arrive in the tree-house, which is some distance above you.

She knew that it was ridiculous to actually believe that her brother was still alive,

“Apologies, but does Jewel-san not possess a telepathic ability? Why has she not attempted to reach her brother now that she knows he is alive?”

:Ghostie blinks:

“Ghostcat-sama? Are you unwell?”

:Ghostie blinks again:


Sweet mercy, you’re right! She can call people with her brain! I totally forgot about that. She should have been trying to reach him from the moment she knew he was still alive instead of trusting the Magic Alicia Ball’s prediction.

and that he was going to magically appear in front of her any moment.

“Apologies, but why does Jewel-san assume Jacob-san will appear out of thin air? Presumably he does not possess this ability or he would have used it rather than obtaining the spell from the scroll.”

Well, all the Magic Alicia Ball told her was that he would be arriving at the tree-house sometime before noon. There was no mention of how he would get there. I did kind of assume he’d fall out of the SDQF when the time came, so I guess I was partially right.

However, Madam Alicia’s fortune telling predictions were never wrong.

Just very sketchy on details.

She also trusted Madam Alicia, and she knew that she would never lie to her about anything.

Then she’s not a very good fortuneteller.

“Indeed. There are times when one prefers to hear comforting lies rather than the painful truth.”

Not to mention,

“Then why must you mention it?”

Madam Alicia’s crystal ball always showed clear and real images.

It’s like a round television, but with fewer commercials.

“One wonders if it is possible to watch Netflix on it.”

Man, you are just hooked on Netflix.

“The entertainments of the Outside World are quite seductive, Ghostcat-sama.”

Just when Jewel was about to give up waiting for her brother’s miracle arrival,

Which she never would, since she believes everything the Magic Alicia Ball tells her so of course she’d expect him to arrive any second.

an intense white light illuminated in front of her.

:closes fridge door:


:tosses can to Ishi:

Next time you want a Dr. Pepper, get it yourself.

When the light faded, Jacob stood before her wearing ripped clothes, his blond hair was messed up and tangled, and his body was covered in sweat and blood.

“Apologies, but was Jacob-san not sitting in his meditating position when he cast the spell? Did he change positions mid-transport?”

He also seems to have healed all his wounds, leaving only the blood and sweat behind. That’s a pretty good transportation spell if it did all that.

She stared at him wide eyed, and shocked not only to see him alive but to also see him severely injured. The sight of his gruesome appearance was so unbearable she almost fainted.

Oh, please. Spare me the shrinking violet act. You’re supposed to be a big, strong warrior-woman! Surely you’ve seen  wounded in battle. And why the hell are you that surprised? You saw him in the Magic Alicia Ball not twenty-four hours ago looking all beat to hell and back – did you think he’d heal himself in that time period?

“The narration does not mention his wounds, only his gristly appearance. Perhaps you are correct and he has already been healed.”

But then Jewel-Sue can’t show off her healing-water trick.

Unfortunately, it was Jacob who almost passed out at that moment.

That’s what happens when you don’t remain seated until the ride comes to a full and complete stop.

“Jacob,” Jewel said in concern, catching him before he could fall. “Are you alright?”

“Jewel-san is not very observant, is she?”

I know, right? He’s covered in blood and his clothes are torn to bits! Hell, she was close to fainting at the sight of him. That sounds about as far from being all right as he can get and not be dead.

“I’m better now that I’m back where I belong,” Jacob replied, trying to find balance on his own two feet.

At the tree-house that apparently only you and your sister know about.

“Apologies, but why did Jacob-san not direct the spell to take him to his village? There was no guarantee that anyone would be at this location to render him aid.”

Because blue, of course.

“My powers have been weakened exponentially.

Could have fooled me.

“Apologies, but if Jacob-san is capable of such feats while in his weakened state then how powerful is he once he has been returned to health?”

Well, he’s a Stu so I’d say he’s going to be only slightly less powerful than the SI Sue is.

“That does not clarify the matter.”

Best I can do, sensei.

Would you mind healing my wounds and repairing my clothes for me?”

Why is he asking her to fix his clothes? She doesn’t have magical sewing abilities and sewing by hand takes a long time. Unless something unmentionable is hanging out, that can wait until they get home.

“Perhaps Jewel-san thought to bring a change of his clothing with her when she came to meet him.”

Oh, that would be even better. She knew his clothes were all torn up when she saw him in the Magic Alicia Ball, so she could have brought him fresh clothes.

“I don’t mind at all, brother.”


Idiot. He comes back from the dead and you don’t want to know how or why, you’re just going to patch up his clothes because he asked you to?

“I shudder to think what Kanai-san’s response would be if I asked such of her.”

:winces: Yeah, that wouldn’t be pretty.

Jewel waved her hands around in the air,

Like she just don’t care.

bent some water out of a nearby stream, and used it to heal Jacob’s scars with her powers.

“Apologies, but I do not understand what has just happened. Did Jewel-san heal Jacob-san’s wounds by giving him a bath?”

Maybe? I can’t really tell what’s going on. That’s one half-assed bending scene; if I wasn’t already a fan of Avatar, then I would have absolutely no idea what she was doing – which is the wrong way to write a scene. Going into this blind it looks as if she just waves her hands, water jumps out of this river that magically appeared, and gently splashed him back to health.

She also used some of her other spiritual abilities to repair his damaged clothes, and made them look like they were new.



“Perhaps his garments are sacred in some way?”

Based on the descriptions, they were pretty holey – but I’m still calling bullshit on this. You can’t have magic do whatever you want it to without having some kind of rules and guidelines.

As she healed his injuries, all of the dried blood and sweat disappeared,

Think maybe that the water you just poured onto him might have had something to do with that?

“The water was magical.”

But it doesn’t need to be – it’s water! You can just wash blood and sweat right off.



and all of his scars vanished from his body. After Jacob was completely healed there was no sign of any of his previous wounds.

:sirens blare:

:Ghostie takes Xenodoken Gun from Ishi:

Be right back.


:Ghostie runs back into the Riffing Chamber, slamming the door shut and leaning against it:

:panting: If I ever find out whose idea it was to dress one of the xenomorphs up as a clown, I will go all Liam Neeson on their ass.

It was as if Aku’s minions had never whipped or beaten him at all.


“You seem downhearted, Ghostcat-sama.”

I know he didn’t get much in the way of character development, but just waving a magic wand – or magic Sue – over Man-Candy and restoring him back to his factory setting is just so very wrong.

“He could still suffer from unseen effects of his incarceration.”

Sadly, I don’t think he will. I’ll even bet a shiny new nickel that he won’t suffer any consequences (mental or physical) at all from his stay of indeterminate length in Aku’s dungeons. Just sweep all that nasty business right under the rug.

Just being with his sister again made him feel better both on the outside and on the inside.

That’s probably because she’s using her powers to heal his many painful wounds, but the way it’s phrased is kind of creepy.

“If I were these children’s father, I would not wish for them to spend time alone together. Why have they no chaperone?”

Huh. Jewel-Sue didn’t bring anyone with her on this trip, did she? Jack didn’t even tag along to get up-to-date information regarding Aku’s palace. Since the tree-house is pretty far from the village, Jack’s probably going to be long gone by the time Jewel-Sue and Man-Candy make it back.

“One can only hope.”

“Thanks for healing my scars, Jewel. I’m so happy to see you after all this time.”

Now hurry up and make him a sandwich!

“For shame, Ghostcat-sama!”

“All this time I thought you were dead.

I was wondering if you had forgotten about that.

“I almost did.”

Madam Alicia told me you’ve been one of Aku’s prisoners,

She told you that yesterday, but you decided to hang out in a bar with Jack and then go to a party instead of immediately coming to wait for him.

“Perhaps they are not as close as I had feared.”

Yeah, she didn’t really seem all that concerned about him after she found out he was alive.

and she said you would arrive here in the Black Forest.

Actually she said he would be in the tree-house, so I guess her aim was a little off.

As always, Madam Alicia was right,” Jewel explained, feeling as happy to see him as he was to see her.

Yeah, we know. The fic won’t shut up about how infallible she is.

“Shall I add her points to the Sue score?”

Nah, it’s already pretty high.

“It’s a good thing she told you to wait out here for me to arrive. Otherwise, my injuries wouldn’t have been able to be healed for hours,” Jacob acknowledged.

Which once more makes me wonder – why did you come to this place?

“It is quite a mystery. Even the characters themselves cannot understand why they have done this.”

“By the way, how did you get here?


And bullshit. So, it was magical bullshit.

We don’t have powers that can transport us from one place to another.”

You mean there’s a power you don’t have? Imagine my surprise.

“A power they do not possess yet.”

I will bite you, you know I will.

We don’t have that kind of power, but this scroll does.”

Technically it was the spell and Man-Candy’s magical abilities that did the heavy lifting, not the scroll. The scroll is just a powerless piece of paper.

“It could be imbued with mystical energies.”

Could be, but isn’t until the narration says otherwise.

“A scroll?” Jewel responded with a curious expression on her face,

:points: “It is the cylindrical paper object in his hand.”

Also known as a plot coupon.

as Jacob handed her the scroll filled with spells and curses.

Spells and curses? I told you that thing was evil.

“Let us hope the characters know the difference between the two.”

Or not. I’m good with not.

“I used a transportation spell from that scroll in order to return here,” Jacob informed her.

Thanks for connecting the dots for her. I don’t think she could have managed the feat of opening the scroll and reading it for herself.

“She may not have been able to. Jewel-san does not seem very bright.”

“Good thing Madam Alicia taught us how to read, write and speak ancient Arabic. If she didn’t teach us ancient Arabic, you would have never escaped from Aku’s castle.”

“It is as if they have both forgotten that he possesses other abilities. He may have figured out another way to escape.”

I don’t know about that. He’s about as smart as his sister.

“Excellent point, sister. It’s also a good thing that scroll is written in a language I can read.”

“One might almost call it incredibly convenient.”

The PCC must have an Ancient Scrolls division.

“Where and how did you get this scroll?” Jewel asked out of curiosity.

He traded some magic beans for it.

“Truly? I do not remember that happening.”

Sarcasm, sensei.

He’s been held captive at Aku’s palace for however long it has been since he was captured, so unless he somehow managed to acquire it before his big Heroic Sacrifice and keep it hidden the entire time then he had to have stolen it from Aku. There’s nowhere else it could have come from.

“I know it’s wrong to steal, but I stole that scroll from a room in Aku’s castle. That scroll was the only way to help me return home,” Jacob explained, hoping she would understand.

“If you do not wish her to know you stole it, just lie to her.”

I don’t usually advocate lying, but in this case it would be really easy. Jewel-Sue doesn’t seem to be very smart. Hey, it worked for Katara when she stole the waterbending scroll from the pirates – which was probably the author’s inspiration for this plot device.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose. Besides, something tells me this scroll didn’t belong to Aku in the first place.”

“Most likely the demon stole it.

Yep, that’s the exact same reasoning Katara uses – since the pirates likely stole the scroll, it was okay for her to take it.

“I see no flaw in this logic; pirates often leave very valuable treasures just lying around for the taking.”

The clan steals from pirates? Wait, does the Library have pirates?

“They reside in the lake located beneath the lower chasms, to the north of the reactor annex.”

We have a lake?!?

Anyway, we should head back to the village.

Yeah, no reason to hang out around here. It’s not as if you have both expended huge amounts of your spiritual energies and need to recharge. Of course, the whole “recharge” thing is incredibly inconsistent; Luna had to top off her tanks after using a small amount of power, but during the robot cobra fight she used her powers multiple times and showed no signs of being even a little bit tired.

“Apologies, but are you saying that using a small amount of spiritual energy is fatiguing yet a larger expenditure has no ill effects?”

Essentially, yes.

“I fail to see the logic in that.”

It’s a fanfic; logic and reason don’t exist in fanfics.

I want to see our father and talk to him. He and I have a lot of catching up to do.”

It’s not like you might want to catch up with your sister or anything. I’m sure nothing of interest has happened to her recently. She’s just teaming up with a world famous time-displaced samurai to battle to personification of pure evil. No big deal.

“In the Library, we just call that Friday.”

Which just so happens to be the day my riffs usually post, so that works out well for everyone.

Until next time, Patrons!


42 Comments on “875: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter VI”

  1. SC says:

    It is I, the ghoulish Ghostie, here with my merry clan of ninjas, who are all festively attired for the holiday!

    The Specs and Co. all dressed up, too!

    Specs is going as Link.

    Book Specs went as an Arch Wizard.

    To the surprise of literally nobody, Contacts went as a thief – a pseudo-Arabian thief, specifically.

    Bifocals… Went a bit overboard on her cyborg costume.

    Shades went as her best impression of Major Makoto Kusanagi, based off of this picture of her.

    Glasses went as a cat. Duh.

    Disturbingly, Sports Shades decided to go as Alexander Scarlet, the patriarch of the Scarlet family, who are my insane family of warrior OCs.

    Monocle can’t be trusted in public, especially not in Halloween, so he doesn’t have a costume.

    And I’m handing out candy, so I don’t have one either.

  2. SC says:

    “So why is it that you are currently attired in two sweaters, flannel pajamas, and fluffy bunny slippers?”

    It’s cold in here.

    I can relate.

    Because my dad decided it was cool to LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, WHEN IT’S ONLY FIFTY-THREE DEGREES OUTSIDE!

  3. SC says:

    One of the iron cells’ contained Jacob Lee, who was shackled to the wall, and had iron balls chained on his heels.

    If he’s already chained to the wall, is the iron ball really necessary?

  4. SC says:

    His spiritual water powers had been drained exceedingly due to poor hydration, and the fact that there was no water in the air around him, Jacob could easily use that to his advantage.

    Oh-kay, let’s crack open SC’s Magic Power Rulebook.


    It’s a newly published copy, the spine hasn’t seen much use yet.

    Now then, where is… Ah, here we go!

    Concerning elemental-control powers: if the user specializes in a certain element, and the area is lacking in said element, the usefulness of said powers are weakened to the point of being useless until conditions improve, leaving the specialist more or less powerless.

    Sooo, how do you have an advantage, again?

    What’s that? Freezing the bindings with your bodily fluids?

    Sure, except you’re in a HOT cell, and ice doesn’t do well against heat, and your bodily fluids have been exposed to this heat, so that workaround is basically moot.

    Besides that, in order to freeze your bodily fluids for that plan, you need to have COLD AIR hitting them, and I don’t recall you having an air-controlling cellmate, and even if you did, he would probably only be able to utilize the HOT air in the cell…

    Look, the point is, your plan has no basis and is doomed to fail.

    • Well, in the source materials she’s stealing from the waterbenders can freeze water regardless of ambient temperature – but it’s at normal ice temperature and not the kind of cold that would shatter the iron. If he did manage to get the manacles that cold, he’d probably wind up freezing a good portion of his hands and arms.

      • SC says:

        Eh, I always just assumed that the source materials had some degree of chill in the air that allowed for water-freezing, honestly.

        But yeah, that’s another thing I forgot about – he’s not Elsa, who can avoid frostbite because she IS frostbite, incarnate. He’d end up losing a few extremities in his escape efforts.

      • Katara manages to freeze water around Azula, who is a really powerful firebender, during the big battle, and they’re surrounded by fire.

      • SC says:

        Well, I didn’t day my theory was a perfect one – just more likely for situations like when they’re in a generally cold place.

  5. SC says:

    “One of the symptoms of extreme dehydration is dry skin, the body literally does not have enough water available to make sweat.”

    Another symptom is extreme fatigue due to the lack of fluids to help energize your body, so Jacob should be having withdrawal-esqu shakes and barely be awake right now. Which means, his mind won’t be able to focus his powers properly, even if he could use them like he wants.

    Yet another strike against the Elsa-your-way-out-of-jail plan.

  6. SC says:

    The really sad thing is, this could be a decent scene; if Man-Candy came up with the idea of bending his sweat but had no sweat to work with then there would be some much-needed dramatic tension as he tried to figure out how to solve the problem rather than having the first idea that pops into his vacant skull be the only solution.

    And this is why I hate seeing magic powers used as an ultimate problem-solver. Takes all the excitement out of everything because nobody needs to put effort into anything.

    • I’ll admit to falling into the “magic fixes everything, because magic” trap in my GhostKitten days, which is why I can stand to see authors using it as a crutch. I know from experience that it’s just lazy writing.

      • SC says:

        I’ve been there too, but I picked up pretty early how bullshit the magical fix-it trap is, so I didn’t stay in that stage long.

  7. SC says:

    Jacob used his water bending powers to bend the sweat from his body, and he used it to cut through the metal shackles on his wrists.

    I feel this may be prudent to add to the inevitable debate.

  8. SC says:

    Yeah, it gets a little noisy at times, especially when Gumdrop’s in the mood for karaoke – but I think you’re just still upset with Monocle and the ceiling incident.

    “The loud single-lensed one irritates others like a stone in the sandal.”

    Why do you think I keep him locked up all the time, man?

  9. SC says:

    And he has Trap Sense! I thought that was a Rogue skill, not a Mage skill. Man-Candy must be dual-classing.

    Wait – Trap Sense, Treasure Sense and Darkstepping are all among Contacts’ most proficient skills!

    What the fu-


    Contacts: Motherfucker must have snagged my journal through the SDQF when I wasn’t in the room! I record everything in there, including new powers I learn!

  10. SC says:

    Without making a sound, he managed to close the door behind him, and he used his telekinesis powers to lock the door.

    and he used his telekinesis powers

    his telekinesis powers


    I think I found that stupid thing you were talking about.

  11. SC says:

    Well, the scroll was owned by the personification of pure evil. The thing’s probably steeped in more dark magic than the Necronomicon.

    Hey now, there’s pure evil, and then there’s the text of the Elder Gods. Let’s not go confusing the two.

  12. TacoMagic says:

    “The Library’s thermostat reads a mild sixty-eight degrees.”

    *Walks in wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts*

    Did somebody turn up the thermostat again!? It’s tropical up in this lobby!

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