871: of wolf and woman – Chapter ThreePosted: October 27, 2014
Title: of wolf and woman
Genre: Romance / Adventure
URL: Chapter three
Critiqued by Lyle
Hello, everyone! Welcome to chapter three of “of wolf and woman,” an Underworld fic that has gained me a new weapon in my fight against badfics. *hefts her sledgehammer* This thing is one giant brick of text and I’m gonna wreck it.
Last time we met our nameless protagonist, who isn’t very bright, and Lucian somehow came back to life after being shot with silver. No explanation. He’s just miraculously not dead. We also met our Awesome McEvil, a man who is out to get the nameless woman for [reasons.]
With that recap, let’s get started.
Chapter three is the largest wall of text we’ve seen yet. There are 707 words and every single one of them is in the same bloody paragraph. I’ll smash it into smaller, more manageable pieces as we go. If you want the full effect, though, by all means… click the URL at the top.
Lucian carried the girl for what seemed like forever till he reached the den.
It was actually more like two minutes considering the final confrontation between the lycans and the vampires in the first movie happened at Lucian’s den. All he really had to do was walk down the hall and take the first door on the left.
He was looking forward to seeing his pack and learning what had happened after he was shot and what the story was with the girl.
How would they know what was going on with her? Weren’t they busy fending off the vampire attack? And your pack was almost completely decimated at the end of the movie. You seem awfully optimistic that they’d still be alive.
As he entered he saw a very sad sight indeed. Only 20 members of his pack remained.
Numerals. In the text.
*swings the sledgehammer*
“Luke!” he called out. “LUCIAN! your alive!” luke replied as he ran to his leader. “Tell me, where is Raze? Did he not make it?” “He didn’t come back with us sir.” “Damn” lucian growled wanting to slam his fist into the wall but not wanting to wake the girl.
Seriously?! This is why you fucking carriage return whenever – WHENEVER – anyone new starts talking. Otherwise you get this conglomerate of babble with no idea who is actually talking.
All at once his pack swarmed around questioning him about the girl dangling from his arms.
They just now noticed that he’s carrying an unconscious human female? They must assume that he’s brought them lunch or something.
“She is not to be harmed. Anyone that tries… deals with me. understand?” everyone nervously shook their heads in agreement. “good.” he muttered as he walked to his room. He layed her down on his bed then went to sit in the chair across the room, waiting for her to awaken so he could question her.
Creepy. You grabbed her so quickly and ran, shouldn’t you check her for injury or something before just sitting there? She could be hurt badly and you wouldn’t know because you haven’t even bothered to check for bleeding or limbs that are turned the wrong direction.
She was running again, they were right behind her.
So she got up from the bed and fled? Because you haven’t started a new paragraph so there’s no indication that this is anything but a continuation of the previous thought.
She tripped and fell, realized she was done for.
They closed in around her, but out of the mist appeared a wolf.
Who went for the jugular!
With red eyes and glistning teeth, one by one the wolf slaughtered each being circled around her.
Saving her for last?
It then stood to stare at her and its eyes flashed even brighter. Thats when she awoke and franticlly looked around her.
Gahdamnit! There goes my hope for a quick end to this horrible fic.
“Ah, your awake finally.” a voice said from the corner.
We know who it is but if you’re going to switch perspective you need to do more to indicate it than just shove random words together into a wall.
she jumped and saw it was the same man that had rescued her, clad in a black leather vest, which revealed a good portion of his lightly furred chest.
Furred chest? Seriously? He’s not a chia pet. He might be a lycan but I’m pretty sure that his chest would still have “hair” on it, not “fur.”
“Who are you? Where am I?” She quickly asked.
A fair set of questions, albeit needing a fucking carriage return.
“Safe, for now sweet but as for who I am, I believe I should ask the same of you and also inquire as to why the Death Dealers were after you.”
So IT was a vampire? Why didn’t it just say that instead of calling it an… it?
That aside, there’s a number of things wrong here.
1.) He’s calling her “sweet”? The fuck is with that? Nothing of what I’ve seen of him in any of the movies would indicate that this is in any way in-character for him. He doesn’t know this woman. You don’t call a woman you don’t know by pet names unless you’re trying to be lecherous. Lucian might be blood-thirsty, devious, and cunning, but he is not lecherous.
2.) Instead of answering the question he redirects it to ask who she is, proving that the author of this story thinks only about the Sue. A more realistic flow of conversation would probably have him answer her question, then pose his own, instead of brushing aside his own identity in favor of hers.
3.) I don’t know if it would be possible to word that sentence any more awkwardly than gothicrocker did.
She looked at him warily, but then replied “My name is Soise.
I live in Boise. So I would look at that name and pronounce it as I pronounce my town. Soys-ee. That’s like someone from Chicago trying to pronounce the name “Suzie.” Suzie. SUE-ZIE.
Ladies and gentlemen, our Sue is named Sue. Holy cow, this is getting into the meta.
And as to why they are chasing me, I have absouletly no clue. You would think after two years I would figure it out, but I’m still as clueless as when they first showed up.
I’m sorry, what? Death Dealers have been chasing you for two years and they haven’t managed to catch you until just now?
Death Dealers, for those not versed in Underworld, are an elite group of commandos charged with hunting down and killing werewolves (or anything else that might threaten their covens). Pretty much all they do is hunt and kill. And Soys-ee managecd to evade them for two fucking years?
Now who are you, and where did you bring me?” Lucian looked at her, slightly annoyed.
Only slightly? I’m annoyed as hell right now, I can only image how Lucian must feel.
“I am Lucian, and you are in my home, as I previously stated safe for now. And I suppose I do owe you for for staying with me instead of running.” “Lucian,” she said thoughtfully, “I suppose your welcome. I couldn’t leave you there hurt. Not after you saved me and not after all I’ve seen that those things can do.”
Man… this dialogue is so…
Her expression darkened and her eyes went blank. “What dark place have I lost you to soise?”
Is she talking to herself?
“oh… sorry I-I just can’t help but to remember… what they did to my mother… and my little sister…”
Death Dealers, in this day and age, do not kill random humans. That isn’t their job. The covens have advanced since the dark ages and usually get their nourishment through the blood banks, which they control.
soise hung her head and a look of overwhelming horror and sorrow was written on her face. Lucian walked across the room and layed a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, but froze, a grimmace on his face.
I would hesitate to touch her, too. You’ll get her Sue-stank on you and that stuff just does not wash off.
He saw it all. Saw her mother bled infront of her, her sister ripped limb from limb. He saw her scream as they moved towards her, then saw her every horror she encountered, till the moment he found her.
This makes so little sense… has this person actually watched the movie this is based on?! The only way for shared memories to happen are through bites. If he were to bite her he might get glimpses of her memories because memories reside in the blood in that universe. Standing in her general vicinity won’t cause him to have her memories! He isn’t fucking telepathic! He’s a werewolf!
He pulled away from her, tears in his eyes.
NO. NO NO NO NO.
This isn’t in character. This isn’t even in the same fucking country as the character traits of Lucian. This man has seen so much death and destruction in his life, weeping over a stupid Sue would never, never happen. The only time he ever cried in the movies was when his wife and child were murdered. He watched as hundreds of his lycan-brothers were killed and shed not even a single tear. The inconsequential deaths of this woman’s family wouldn’t cause him to even blink.
*huff huff huff*
“I am so sorry… I know no condolences could ever be enough, but you have mine.” “Thank you.” she whispered as she wiped the tears from her eye. “I lost someone to their kind as well. We were to be married. She carried my child. She was killed… by her own father infront of me and all I could do was scream and watch her die.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This isn’t information that Lucian tells people on a whim, especially people he doesn’t even fucking know.
tears now streamed down his face.
She didn’t know why, but she grabbed his hand and craddled his head against her, murmuring words of comfort.
BARF. I’m so angry right now about this whole thing that I can’t. I just cannot.
When his tears finally subsided he thanked her then commented, “you know, I have never seen a vision without…” “without what?” she asked. “Nothing. Nevermind. You must be hungry, I will go get you some food.” with that he left the room.
If you know what’s good for you, Lucian, you will never come back. Just leave her there to rot. The rest of the world will thank you.
Well, that’s all I have the stomach for this week. I know it’s short. NaNoWriMo is coming up, though, so I’ll be doing brief riffs for the month of November. Thankfully the fics I’m working with are short. See ya!