871: of wolf and woman – Chapter Three

Title: of wolf and woman
Author: gothicrocker2
Media: Movie
Topic:  Underworld
Genre: Romance / Adventure
URL: Chapter three
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, everyone!  Welcome to chapter three of “of wolf and woman,” an Underworld fic that has gained me a new weapon in my fight against badfics.  *hefts her sledgehammer*  This thing is one giant brick of text and I’m gonna wreck it.

Last time we met our nameless protagonist, who isn’t very bright, and Lucian somehow came back to life after being shot with silver.  No explanation.  He’s just miraculously not dead.  We also met our Awesome McEvil, a man who is out to get the nameless woman for [reasons.]

With that recap, let’s get started.

Chapter three is the largest wall of text we’ve seen yet.  There are 707 words and every single one of them is in the same bloody paragraph.  I’ll smash it into smaller, more manageable pieces as we go.  If you want the full effect, though, by all means… click the URL at the top.

Suzy Cucumber Double Dog Dare

Lucian carried the girl for what seemed like forever till he reached the den.

It was actually more like two minutes considering the final confrontation between the lycans and the vampires in the first movie happened at Lucian’s den.  All he really had to do was walk down the hall and take the first door on the left.

He was looking forward to seeing his pack and learning what had happened after he was shot and what the story was with the girl.

How would they know what was going on with her?  Weren’t they busy fending off the vampire attack?  And your pack was almost completely decimated at the end of the movie.  You seem awfully optimistic that they’d still be alive.

As he entered he saw a very sad sight indeed. Only 20 members of his pack remained.

*twitch*

Numerals.  In the text.

*swings the sledgehammer*

*CRRRRACK!*

“Luke!” he called out. “LUCIAN! your alive!” luke replied as he ran to his leader. “Tell me, where is Raze? Did he not make it?” “He didn’t come back with us sir.” “Damn” lucian growled wanting to slam his fist into the wall but not wanting to wake the girl.

*CRRRRRRAAAACCKKK!*

Seriously?!  This is why you fucking carriage return whenever – WHENEVER – anyone new starts talking.  Otherwise you get this conglomerate of babble with no idea who is actually talking.

All at once his pack swarmed around questioning him about the girl dangling from his arms.

They just now noticed that he’s carrying an unconscious human female?  They must assume that he’s brought them lunch or something.

“She is not to be harmed. Anyone that tries… deals with me. understand?” everyone nervously shook their heads in agreement. “good.” he muttered as he walked to his room. He layed her down on his bed then went to sit in the chair across the room, waiting for her to awaken so he could question her.

Creepy.  You grabbed her so quickly and ran, shouldn’t you check her for injury or something before just sitting there?  She could be hurt badly and you wouldn’t know because you haven’t even bothered to check for bleeding or limbs that are turned the wrong direction.

She was running again, they were right behind her.

So she got up from the bed and fled?  Because you haven’t started a new paragraph so there’s no indication that this is anything but a continuation of the previous thought.

She tripped and fell, realized she was done for.

Yay!

They closed in around her, but out of the mist appeared a wolf.

Who went for the jugular!

With red eyes and glistning teeth, one by one the wolf slaughtered each being circled around her.

Saving her for last?

It then stood to stare at her and its eyes flashed even brighter. Thats when she awoke and franticlly looked around her.

Gahdamnit!  There goes my hope for a quick end to this horrible fic.

“Ah, your awake finally.” a voice said from the corner.

We know who it is but if you’re going to switch perspective you need to do more to indicate it than just shove random words together into a wall.

she jumped and saw it was the same man that had rescued her, clad in a black leather vest, which revealed a good portion of his lightly furred chest.

Furred chest?  Seriously? He’s not a chia pet.  He might be a lycan but I’m pretty sure that his chest would still have “hair” on it, not “fur.”

“Who are you? Where am I?” She quickly asked.

A fair set of questions, albeit needing a fucking carriage return.

“Safe, for now sweet but as for who I am, I believe I should ask the same of you and also inquire as to why the Death Dealers were after you.”

So IT was a vampire?  Why didn’t it just say that instead of calling it an… it?

That aside, there’s a number of things wrong here.

1.) He’s calling her “sweet”?  The fuck is with that?  Nothing of what I’ve seen of him in any of the movies would indicate that this is in any way in-character for him.  He doesn’t know this woman.  You don’t call a woman you don’t know by pet names unless you’re trying to be lecherous.  Lucian might be blood-thirsty, devious, and cunning, but he is not lecherous.

Happosai, on the other hand, is the picture of lechery.

Happosai, on the other hand, is the picture of lechery.

2.) Instead of answering the question he redirects it to ask who she is, proving that the author of this story thinks only about the Sue.  A more realistic flow of conversation would probably have him answer her question, then pose his own, instead of brushing aside his own identity in favor of hers.

3.) I don’t know if it would be possible to word that sentence any more awkwardly than gothicrocker did.

She looked at him warily, but then replied “My name is Soise.

indexSoise?  Soise?

I live in Boise.  So I would look at that name and pronounce it as I pronounce my town.  Soys-ee.  That’s like someone from Chicago trying to pronounce the name “Suzie.”  Suzie.  SUE-ZIE.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Sue is named Sue. Holy cow, this is getting into the meta.

And as to why they are chasing me, I have absouletly no clue. You would think after two years I would figure it out, but I’m still as clueless as when they first showed up.

*SMACK*

*SMACK*

 

I’m sorry, what? Death Dealers have been chasing you for two years and they haven’t managed to catch you until just now?

Death Dealers, for those not versed in Underworld, are an elite group of commandos charged with hunting down and killing werewolves (or anything else that might threaten their covens).  Pretty much all they do is hunt and kill.  And Soys-ee managecd to evade them for two fucking years?

Now who are you, and where did you bring me?” Lucian looked at her, slightly annoyed.

Only slightly?  I’m annoyed as hell right now, I can only image how Lucian must feel.

“I am Lucian, and you are in my home, as I previously stated safe for now. And I suppose I do owe you for for staying with me instead of running.” “Lucian,” she said thoughtfully, “I suppose your welcome. I couldn’t leave you there hurt. Not after you saved me and not after all I’ve seen that those things can do.”

*yawns*

Man… this dialogue is so…

sleeping-on-keyboard

Her expression darkened and her eyes went blank. “What dark place have I lost you to soise?”

Is she talking to herself?

“oh… sorry I-I just can’t help but to remember… what they did to my mother… and my little sister…”

Death Dealers, in this day and age, do not kill random humans.  That isn’t their job.  The covens have advanced since the dark ages and usually get their nourishment through the blood banks, which they control.

soise hung her head and a look of overwhelming horror and sorrow was written on her face. Lucian walked across the room and layed a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, but froze, a grimmace on his face.

I would hesitate to touch her, too.  You’ll get her Sue-stank on you and that stuff just does not wash off.

He saw it all. Saw her mother bled infront of her, her sister ripped limb from limb. He saw her scream as they moved towards her, then saw her every horror she encountered, till the moment he found her.

*twitch*

*twitch*

HOW?!

*CCCRRRAAAACCKKK!*

This makes so little sense… has this person actually watched the movie this is based on?!  The only way for shared memories to happen are through bites.  If he were to bite her he might get glimpses of her memories because memories reside in the blood in that universe.  Standing in her general vicinity won’t cause him to have her memories!  He isn’t fucking telepathic!  He’s a werewolf!

He pulled away from her, tears in his eyes.

NTS_-_BEEF_-_WATUSI

NO.  NO NO NO NO.

This isn’t in character.  This isn’t even in the same fucking country as the character traits of Lucian.  This man has seen so much death and destruction in his life, weeping over a stupid Sue would never, never happen.  The only time he ever cried in the movies was when his wife and child were murdered.  He watched as hundreds of his lycan-brothers were killed and shed not even a single tear.  The inconsequential deaths of this woman’s family wouldn’t cause him to even blink.

GAH!

*huff huff huff*

“I am so sorry… I know no condolences could ever be enough, but you have mine.” “Thank you.” she whispered as she wiped the tears from her eye. “I lost someone to their kind as well. We were to be married. She carried my child. She was killed… by her own father infront of me and all I could do was scream and watch her die.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This isn’t information that Lucian tells people on a whim, especially people he doesn’t even fucking know.

tears now streamed down his face.

I will rake my claws down your face if you don't stop this bullshit.

I will rake my claws down your face if you don’t stop this bullshit.

She didn’t know why, but she grabbed his hand and craddled his head against her, murmuring words of comfort.

BARF.  I’m so angry right now about  this whole thing that I can’t.  I just cannot.

When his tears finally subsided he thanked her then commented, “you know, I have never seen a vision without…” “without what?” she asked. “Nothing. Nevermind. You must be hungry, I will go get you some food.” with that he left the room.

If you know what’s good for you, Lucian, you will never come back.  Just leave her there to rot.  The rest of the world will thank you.

Well, that’s all I have the stomach for this week.  I know it’s short.  NaNoWriMo is coming up, though, so I’ll be doing brief riffs for the month of November.  Thankfully the fics I’m working with are short.  See ya!

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72 Comments on “871: of wolf and woman – Chapter Three”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    As he entered he saw a very sad sight indeed. Only 20 members of his pack remained.

    Only 20 members?? How big was his freaking pack in the first place?!

    • holds up fingers:

      This many.

      • SC says:

        That’s a lot less than this many, though.

        *SC holds up fingers and toes*

      • I don’t know, this jar’s pretty full. It’s one of sensei’s.

      • SC says:

        I brought the toe jar separately.

        Why does Ishi-sensei only collect pinky toes?

      • Rumor has it the clan uses the big toes for baby pacifiers.

      • It’s just a rumor I heard; I should probably ask sensei if it’s true.

        HEY! SENSEI!

        :ninja appears:

        Seriously, I’m gonna stick a bell on you one of these days.

        “You required my assistance, Ghostcat-sama?”

        Yeah, SC wanted to know why you only pickle the little toes. I’d heard you use the bigger ones as baby pacifiers, but he doesn’t believe me.

        “Esshi-kun is correct to doubt such baseless rumors, the clan would never give an infant something as unsanitary as a toe!”

        I thought it sounded weird, but you never know with y’all. What do you do with the other toes?

        “They are sold in bulk to beauty academies for use in practice pedicures.”

      • SC says:

        … And the beauty schools never ask about the creepy disembodied toes they get donated?

      • “I am a master embalmer, Esshi-kun. Using my arcane methods, the toes retain a healthy life-like appearance and are often mistaken for being formed of soft plastic. I have photographs of the process if you’d like to see…”

        Dude! Put those away!

        :snatches photo album from Ishi:

        See, this is why no one wants to sit with you in the cafeteria.

      • SC says:

        I do believe that trash can over there just became far more appealing to my poor stomach.

        Pardon me.

      • “Is Esshi-kun feeling unwell? Have his humours become unbalanced? I have a simple remedy that can improve his health…” :produces a large canvas sack out of thin air and begins rummaging through it:

        If it involves leeches, then forget it. He’s … allergic.

        “Oh. Pity. How peculiar that so many of the Library’s patoron are denied the leech’s healing gifts due to this allergy. What of diced mouse simmered in new wine? Has he any objections to that?”

        Ugh. Are you absolutely sure you’re a doctor?

      • SC says:

        Thanks, bit I think I’ll just call Doc. He might be surly and he might tote around a shotgun that he has no objections against using on people who annoy him, but at least he’s… Well, let’s just say he didn’t buy all those medical degrees from EBay.

      • “Apologies, but one believes that one’s medical expertise has been called into question.”

        Oh, great – formal speech. That means he’s mad.

        :grabs Ishi’s arm:

        C’mon, hun. I’ve got a bowl of fresh marshmallow eels and Boys Over Flowers queued up on Netflix. It’ll make you feel better.

      • SC says:

        Doc: Hey.

        Oh, thank Go- WHY did you bring your shotgun?!

        Doc: Because YOU called me. And because I just saw a grumpy ninja get dragged off for Netflix and marshmallow eels before he started stabbing things while you were horking in a trash can like some kind of animal, so I feel like I’m gonna need it. First things first though – what did you do?

        …Do you want the full story, or should I just get to the part where I tell you where it hurts?

        Doc: That second one would certainly prevent me from giving you a diagnosis of buckshot.

  2. SC says:

    This thing is one giant brick of text and I’m gonna wreck it.

    Wreck-It Lyle?

  3. SC says:

    If you want the full effect, though, by all means… click the URL at the top.

    *clicky*

    *SC squeals in fright*

    • If you really want your brain to melt, take a look at “untold zombie cronicels” that Taco did way back when. You could build a house with those Walls-o-Text.

      • SC says:

        I’ve seen it, I read up on it back when he was still riffing the ID fics, but it wasn’t as scary the way he riffed it as the unedited chapter of this fic is!

      • In my opinion, Wall-o-Texts fics are the hardest to riff – if only because you spend a good portion of your time trying to edit the damned thing into something that is halfway readable.

      • SC says:

        Ugh. I found one that I’m determined to riff one of these days from the Lost Odyssey fandom, which is a twenty thousand word fic with multiple chapters crammed into a SINGLE PAGE. The only reason it’s not a giant wall of text is because the author knew how to use the Enter button sometimes.

        No, seriously, look at this shit.

      • SC says:

        Apparently, the author changed his name. He used to be “sonic06”, and one of my biggest questions was why he’d name himself after one of the worst games in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Oh, you should see the Avatar/ME crossover I’ve got my sights on that does the same thing.

  4. SC says:

    Interesting that you would riff an Underworld fic without your vampire hunter OC on hand, by the way. I don’t know that I could resist dragging Simon into a fic of this nature.

    Simon: You didn’t. For the majority of the DMC4 fic you were able to riff, I was your primary guest.

    Oh yeah…

  5. SC says:

    Death Dealers, for those not versed in Underworld, are an elite group of commandos charged with hunting down and killing werewolves (or anything else that might threaten their covens).

    You mean they’re not Tara Gillespian Death Eater goths?

  6. SC says:

    Soise? Soise?

    Hmm…

    Nothing in the French language about the word itself, but it looks like some cross between soirée and the river Oise.

    So, her name is “Evening Party on the Oise?”

  7. SC says:

    Numerals. In the text.

    I mean, since we’re riffing a fic about vampires and werewolves in October, why not bust out a cheesy-ass cutscene from a hilariously bad horror game with a cult following?

  8. SC says:

    You grabbed her so quickly and ran, shouldn’t you check her for injury or something before just sitting there? She could be hurt badly and you wouldn’t know because you haven’t even bothered to check for bleeding or limbs that are turned the wrong direction.

    I mean, werewolves, yo. They’re pretty universally known for being incredibly strong. For what Lucian knew, he could have broken her lumbar into like a million pieces on the return trip, and she may have never woken up again.

  9. SC says:

    The only way for shared memories to happen are through bites.

    I’m sure that hasn’t ever been a regrettable experience before.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    They must assume that he’s brought them lunch or something.

    I dunno, something tells me that Mary Sues are not staples of their diets, so…

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Anyone that tries… deals with me. understand?” everyone nervously shook their heads in agreement. “good.”

    Wait, so this guy says “don’t hurt her or you’ll deal with me”… and when he asks if they understand, they all shake their heads. Indicating no.

    And he didn’t think to recap the info he gave because of that.

    *headdesk*

    • SC says:

      I guess when you’re the Alpha, you’re just too busy with things to bother with educating the (Betas? Gammas? How are other wolves in a pack referred to?)

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Omegas, I think. Don’t quote me on that though, as I don’t know…

        In fact…

        Lyle! We have a zoology question over here!

      • "Lyle" says:

        Omega refers to the lowest ranking wolf on the pack. Lead male is Alpha. Lead female is Beta. I cannot recall for the life of me what the others are referred as.

      • SC says:

        We’ll just call them omegas for now. Lucian probably sees them like that as it is.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Fun fact: There are several countries in Asia and a few parts of Africa where shaking your head means yes.

      This isn’t happening in Asia, so it has no bearing here, but it’s a fun fact to take home and enjoy.

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    She looked at him warily, but then replied “My name is Soise.

    *spittake*

    Soise? What the fuck kind of name is that!?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Death Dealers, for those not versed in Underworld, are an elite group of commandos charged with hunting down and killing werewolves (or anything else that might threaten their covens). Pretty much all they do is hunt and kill. And Soys-ee managecd to evade them for two fucking years?

    But of course she did, Lyle! Don’t you know? The Death Dealers were just like “nope, don’t wanna deal with it” when they found out they were chasing a Sue!

    • SC says:

      The only reason they kept up the chase was for appearances in the vampire/werewolf community. Got too much rep to risk it getting out that a Sue scared them off, you see.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    tears now streamed down his face.

    Ten bucks says that Soise went to the same school on how to make canon characters fall for your “trajeck” backstory that Subject 23 and both versions of Stupard went to.

  15. infinity421 says:

    There are 707 words and every single one of them is in the same bloody paragraph.

    *Dry heaves*

    • SC says:

      Doc: Hey, I’m already dealing with one horker without you joining in!

      Need a back-pat, bro?

      Doc: God damn it, don’t encourage the guy!


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