868: Homura Afterstory – Chapter Five, Part 1Posted: October 23, 2014
Title: Homura Afterstory
Topic: Puella Magi Madoka Magica
URL: Homura Afterstory: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello once again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Homura Afterstory.
Hey guys, guess what? We’ve finally hit the last chapter of this turkey!
After all the stupid bullshit we’ve had to put up with last time, it’ll be a relief to go back to this and start finishing it.
So let’s get to it. I for one can’t wait too long to finish this.
So we start our last chapter with this:
As Ulrich fell through the pits of despair and saw darkness enveloping him, he recalled all he had been through in life. Back when he was still on his old world… It was a fine life, a somewhat happy life, but a life without meaning, without anyone to love.
Oh, so is that why you’ve been going on these nihilist author tracts this whole time? “My life doesn’t have meaning, so nobody else’s can have any meaning either”?
Ulrich-Stu, just… just shut up, you pretentious snob.
The boy recalled the night Kyubey had appeared and asked him to make a contract.
I had been well past 2 AM. He had been pounding words into his story, weaving and hammering the pains of his heart,
—and then getting mocked for it because he turned out to be complete shit at writing—
when a childish voice spoke up. “You there,” the white-tailed creature said, not visible to the young man. A voice…? Maybe I’m just getting more and more insane. The boy rustled through his hair. Then again, I suppose it’s more interesting this way… “I have a contract for you,” the voice continued. “Come outside your house to complete the deal. We’ll meet in the front lawn.”
Wait, so… Kyubey just randomly approached Ulrich-Stu just because he could?
Oh dear… Where does this go?
Anyway, Ulrich-Stu steps outside, and then Kubey says this:
“Hello there,” Kyubey introduced himself. “My name is Kyubey, and I am here to offer you a contract.” The young man lifted his eyes, suspicious of the whole situation. “I can make any wish you want come true. In return, you have to become a Puer Daemon, travel to another world, and fight the monsters that live there.”
What Ulrich-Stu should say: “Um, you’re a strange kitten-thing making a contract to random strangers. Girl, bye!”
What he actually says:
The boy shivered a bit before replying wryly. “I don’t suppose you’ll give me any more details? I’m obviously going to be suspicious of this, even if I ignore the possibility that this is a hallucination.”
Yes, and you’re acting on this suspicion by… talking to it and partially taking what it’s saying seriously.
A car passed through the road, but it didn’t stop upon passing the scene. The young man knelt down, and observed the contractor. Bright red eyes that seem utterly mechanical, attached to a foxlike body with a harmless feline smile. “I know that ‘daemon’ means ‘demon’ in some form of Latin,” the boy continued as he stood up. “If I’m going to be a demon, that sounds pretty interesting.
So it hasn’t crossed your mind that “daemon” is the kind of name you should run away from really fast? Granted, it doesn’t cross most people’s minds, but I imagine you would’ve been exposed to at least one deal-with-the-devil story, right? Maybe?
Tell me, there’s more to this though. You wouldn’t offer me some magical wish if I wouldn’t be giving you something equally expensive, would you?”
So then why the fuck are you still here? Run away!
“Just as expected, you’re very intelligent.” The boy shrugged off the compliment as if it was a disturbing breeze.
Oh, hey, even he seems to recognize that Kyubey is wrong about his own supposed intelligence!
“You don’t yell out mindlessly for the thing you love… And this is why you were one of the ones that were chosen. Even if you shy away from others, your ego structure is large and powerful enough to create great impacts on the lives of others.
Well, Kyubey isn’t wrong…
When you interact with them and create cycles of hope and despair… It may sound ridiculous, but this energy we Incubators observe and collect in humans is what allows the universe to continue existing. And you are correct, there is a downside. With each demon you destroy, a column of black grief will likely be ingested in your body. Once you have too much darkness collected in your heart, you reach the metamorphosis and become a demon yourself.”
And this is the part where he says “um, no”, right?
The young man put a finger to his forehead, deep in thought. “And the creation and destruction of these demons, and the things we affect… I don’t suppose that produces more energy than simply hanging around here watching us blow each other up. Very well, if it’s any wish, that sounds like a worthy trade.
Nope, ‘cause that would make sense, right?
No wonder Ulrich-Stu comes off as a babbling idiot: he doesn’t even have common sense!
I don’t desire any material goods, however, nor am I close with anyone that wants them. I have no real will to solve any of the problems that currently plague populations in third-world countries, as they’ll just keep reappearing like cockroaches.
So your attitude is “I would rather not do anything about the world’s problems because they’ll just keep reappearing”?
I’d make a comment about how this makes you into a prick, but by now it’s been well established that you’re a jackass anyway, so I don’t think we need to beat that particular dead horse….
I don’t think I’d become a demon just to destroy, but…” Kyubey tilted his head, as if saying ‘out with it’. The boy sighed, somewhat embarrassed. “I had always just wanted to… Find a girl I could make happy, and protect with all my might…”
“That’s a perfectly reasonable wish for someone in your situation,” Kyubey said as it wagged its tail.
Ulrich-Stu, why the fuck are you still here? You have a chance to go away from this situation that even you know is highly suspicious! And granted, you probably don’t know what Kyubey is (though I sincerely doubt that, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for now), but this whole situation just screams “oh my god, what the fuck is this”.
Seriously, Captain Africa, you realize there’s a reason Kyubey generally approaches these girls for a contract when they’re in a position of great vulnerability, right?
“Well, do you have anyone in mind?”
“Not at all,” Ulrich turned with a harsh scoff. “I tried to explain my thought processes… What the world was like if seen through my eyes, to around two or three girls, usually using a form of written communication, but… No one will understand at all.
Oh hey, Ulrich-Stu did talk to girls in this fic, and the girls flat-out rejected him! Can we get a story about those ladies, please?
Or, I shouldn’t say that, it’s just that I wouldn’t be able to make anyone happy. And even if your wish allowed me to, it certainly wouldn’t feel right to me, since that wouldn’t actually be my natural behavior… My courage, warmth, and affection would merely be the result of your wish.”
Oh, don’t worry, Ulrich-Stu: your stupidity and your self-aggrandizing bullshit will find a way to bubble to the surface.
Kyubey licked its tail. “Well, I had thought so. I did say that this was in another world though, right? I have someone that would love your company, and at the moment desperately needs you. She would honestly love you for you, and you could return your true feelings, feelings that wouldn’t be created by the wish.” A tense silence formed between the two figures.
“I would say go find a better person, but seeing as I’m that selfish…” The young man sighed.
Wow, you know your Stu is selfish when even he admits he’s selfish!
Good Christ almighty, why did Captain Africa think this dude was a relatable character?
“Fine. Show me who it is.” With a flash of Kyubey’s red eyes, the boy suddenly found himself immersed in the other world. A first, she looked rather ditzy and a bit awkward with those glasses and braids, although she was rather cute, and did evoke a sense of empathy… As the visions went on, the tugging feeling in the young man’s chest grew stronger and stronger. To go through all of us, and to have her innocence and sanity taken away… Is this really someone that I can help, someone I can protect? As the scenes faded to the moments where Homura and Madoka cradled each other in outer space, then the scene where Homura kneels and talks to Madoka’s younger brother, the boy lost all doubt in his mind. “She’s beautiful…” he muttered in a daze. “Strong and powerful, patient, determined, graceful, but also… Really lonely, right?” The boy paused for a bit in speculation. “Never mind about me being selfish, it’s almost like she’s a goddess when I see her fight. Are you sure that another person wouldn’t be better suited to her? And to think, if we fall for each other and I become a demon… In that other world, you tricked her, and the other Puella Magi. I’m not going to let you take advantage of me like that.”
“You two were meant for each other,” Kyubey insisted. The young man tried to avoid being drawn into statements like those, but he couldn’t help it. “Even if you do end up breaking her heart, and you curse me making you two suffer just to gain energy… This is her current situation.” Kyubey’s eyes flashed again, and a vision of Homura sitting alone, her blackened Soul Gem in her hand, penetrated the boy’s mind. “If you don’t interject now, she’ll die like this, and no one will mourn.”
“But…!” The boy protested as he clenched his fist and bit his lip, his determination struggling against his reasoning. “That can’t be how her life ends! She went through all of that for her best friend, and made all those sacrifices, and fought for humanity, as terrible as it is… I won’t let that happen! Even if I’ll break her heart, I’ll find a way to give her a happy end!” The young man was sweating now, hardly believing how strong his feelings were. “Kyubey, was it? Take my soul, my heart or whatever, and fill it with Grief! I’ll become a Puer Daemon, if it’s for her sake!”
The boy felt a little ridiculous as he yelled those words, and a speck of darkness tickled his chest. Yes, even if I have to ditch the sixteen years of my life here, I realized it all in those ten minutes when I was shown her life, her fate. This is who I’ll fight for, suffer for, and die for… With that, the world began to spin, and the boy found himself in strong grey armor, wielding a massive battle-axe and ready to protect the one thing he realized he loved.
So Kyubey went over to Ulrich-Stu’s universe, told Ulrich-Stu about Princess Homa and he decided to be the knight in shining armor?
Um… How the fuck did Kyubey cross dimensions? I’m pretty sure that the incubators were only capable of space travel, even if we never saw it in the series. Now they’ve got interdimensional travel going? Okay, here’s a question, then: how is that possible? And if it is possible, then why the fuck aren’t the incubators looking for ways to stop the heat death of the universe in other dimensions? Because I imagine that they would put priority on that! I mean, do they not seem to get the implications of alternate dimensions? Possibilities, Captain Africa! Think of those first!
Second, so Ulrich-Stu saw a vision of Princess Homa that was given to him by Kyubey, and it was essentially love at first sight so powerful that he vowed to save her? Why does that…
Why does that sound so—
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Fucking really, Captain Africa?
Ladies and Gentlemen, this fic has officially become a retelling of Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty.
No, really; this whole bit here with Ulrich-Stu and Kyubey is a literal retelling of the first half of that ballet’s second act! Ulrich-Stu is essentially Prince Désiré, moping about being unhappy, and then the Lilac Fairy (Kyubey) comes in and shows Ulrich-Stu a vision of Princess Aurora (Princess Homa), who Ulrich-Stu promptly falls in love with!
I mean… really, look at this progression of events that I’ve cobbled together from various videos:
Yeah! This is essentially Sleeping Beauty! About the only thing different is that Princess Homa wasn’t asleep for a hundred years!
How the fuck does a fanfic about a magical girl anime have more to do with a fucking Tchaikovsky ballet than its own source material!?
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*
Jeez, Captain Africa, I know this is based around your own self-indulgent fairy-tale, but you don’t have to make it this fucking obvious!
Anyway, after this, we cut to another scene, in which—
“I can’t believe it…” Homura said as she opened her eyes to find herself on her bed.
Oh dear God! I never thought I’d see the day where Princess Homa would act as the voice of the audience, but here it is!
Anyway, Princess Homa goes around moping a lot about Ulrich-Stu. She mopes a bit about how she thought Ulrich-Stu was starting to hate her, and then she starts thinking that Ulrich-Stu loved power more than he loved her.
He claims that he loved me, and perhaps he did, but what he loved much more was power. Why else would he have broken away like that? Why else would he have made the deal, even if he knew it was going to ruin everything? He just wanted to be a powerful demon, even if mindless, and destroy everything he possibly could. He had two decisions in front of him, and he chose power over me, and he’s just insulting me by doing this. That’s right. That’s how all men are…
You know, the misandry isn’t really called for, but screw it, I’ll excuse it in this case. After all, Ulrich-Stu did love to hear the sound of his own voice much more than he actually loved Princess Homa.
Anyway, she then thinks this:
Well, Ulrich, you can have your wish. I’m not going to hunt your demon down and fight it, screaming at you to change back like when Kyoko fought Sayaka’s Witch. You can have fun destroying the world while watching me suffer in this eternal life you gave me. I was your tool, wasn’t I? I was just someone to protect as your excuse to fight. And then you realized that you didn’t need that excuse anymore… So I was just another person to break down psychologically, someone to satisfy your sadistic urges.
Ladies and gentlemen: Princess Homa has officially joined the side of the people who actually use their heads. ‘Cause here’s the thing: considering that Ulrich-Stu is an obvious author insert, and given the shit Ulrich-Stu did to her, Princess Homa is one hundred percent correct!
Ladies and gentlemen, you know your fic is doing something wrong when the character’s moment of despair actually makes them look like they’ve finally gotten with the program.
And unfortunately, knowing the standard romance format, this isn’t even gonna stick anyway…
Anyway, she just bitches some more about how she’s gonna keep suffering, and then we cut to Kyoko and Nisha. They sort of go in and are all “holy shit, Ulrich-Stu transformed, we need to deal with this”. They notice that Princess Homa isn’t coming out, so Kyoko says she’ll go talk to Princess Homa, and then Nisha says that she has her dying wish ready. Kyoko is all shocked, but Nisha says something equivalent to this:
So then they barge in, Nisha grabs a knife from the kitchen drawers, and then they run over to Princess Homa.
Homura looked up at her visitors halfheartedly, looking like a war veteran who had just discovered he had lost all his limbs. “You idiot…!” Kyoko stomped up to Homura and pulled her into the air by her collar. “You’re really just going to sit here while Ulrich’s demon starts destroying everything?” Homura didn’t make a reply, and simply turned away. “Sure, he made some god damn mistakes!” Kyoko swore, pushing Homura against the wall violently. Nisha just gaped at the scene in surprise. “Well, he’s a god damn human being, just like you and me! He’s… He’s still the person you love, even now when he’s stuck inside that demon! And…” Kyoko looked at Homura’s Soul Gem lying on the bed. “It’s not covered with taint at all. He used his final efforts to try to save you. What does that say about how much he loves you? Huh? Are you just going to betray him? He was…” Kyoko tried to go on rationally, but found herself rambling. “He was more than a friend! He was a god damned hero, damn it! For the world to be at peace, he took all of that darkness into his heart, including yours…”
Oh, shut the fuck up Kyoko! What are you talking about? And why the fuck are you hitting her over it? He did nothing but lie to Princess Homa and proselytize in ways that made it all about him! His mistake was to assume that people would actually want to listen to his idiocy, and then he warped the canon to be all about himself! I Just… seriously, are you really going to spout that crap, Kyoko?
“Are you really going to spout that crap?” Homura turned a cold blue eye in Kyoko’s direction, but her spine was shaking with anxiety. “He just did it for power, and the thrill of fighting. I was a tool, an excuse, and he cleansed my Soul Gem to make me suffer, because he regretted ever meeting me. People…”
Yeah, you tell her, Princess Homa!
“You’re the one that’s spouting crap!” Kyoko yelled as she viciously threw Homura to the floor, and slapped her violently across the face with the back of her hand. Tears were in her red eyes as she shouted with determination. “You think what he did isn’t genuine? You’re just trying to avoid heartbreak by not facing the truth! You think the way he held you, kissed you, caressed you, wasn’t real? You think he made dinner and watched anime and made sand castles for you was just to become a demon…?”
No, but I do believe that he did it all so he could hear himself talk about lofty subjects in a way that made him feel intellectually superior to everyone else in the room. It’s all part of why he’s a horribly-written character, anyway.
Kyoko started breaking down in tears. “You know how much you still love each other…”
Homura fiercely wiped away a tear of her own. “What do you expect me to do?” She snapped as she fell back into reality. “If I go up against his demon… I’ll be the only one out of us three who will able to enter. Wasting away my life wasn’t something he wanted me to do… He wanted me to just forget about him…”
No! Princess Homa, no, don’t turn to the dark side! Dammit, you’re only now starting to think for yourself! Don’t do it!
Kyoko put her hands on Homura’s shoulders. “He was too proud to admit it, but he still believes in a happy ending, even if it’s stupid and improbable. And so do you. I know that the love I saw between you two was strong and real… There shouldn’t be much problem just because one of you is stuck inside a demon now.”
Dammit, Kyoko, don’t encourage her! She’s finally starting to think for once in this shitty fic, don’t make her fall back into Stu worship, please!
“It’s possible,” Nisha spoke up for the first time, causing the two other girls to turn. The knife was well hidden behind her back, ready to fulfill its purpose at any second. “He didn’t put himself in a Grief Seed, so his living body may still be lodged inside that demon. But there are no cases where the Puer Daemon is successfully recovered from a corpse… Unless…” Nisha slipped out the knife slowly, pulling it up to her chest. “My wish can’t undo or change contracts, or remake the laws of the universe. But it’s still a miracle, after all… It can make the impossible… Possible…”
Oh great, so Princess Homa is going to get the power to make sure Ulrich-Stu survives.
Anyone who was in any way surprised by this development should do us all a favor and never, ever write fiction. God help us against the predictable schlock that would follow…
Anyway, Princess Homa brings up that Ulrich-Stu wouldn’t have wanted Nisha to do that, to which she responds “well, I was at my happiest spending life with you guys, and I want to protect you guys in death, so here you go”. She then commits suicide, and she just becomes a golden spark that flies over to Princess Homa and does… um… something, it’s not really clear exactly what.
“For him, and for Nisha…” Homura said, standing up. “For you too, Kyoko… I’m going to fight his demon, and defeat it.” That’s right. This story won’t have an unhappy ending.
No, it’ll just have a hokey, overly-saccharine ending that allows Ulrich-Stu to continue being full of shit and allows for the canon of Puella Magi Madoka Magica to remain in its half-demolished state. Thanks, Nisha and Kyoko: for a second, we almost had something that could’ve been halfway readable.
Kyoko only smiled warmly at the thought. “We can get into his world from here,” Homura said as she put out a hand, which glowed purple and ripped a gap in space. “This is, after all, one of the places that his heart rested…” With that, Homura stepped up to the gap, and turned back to look at Kyoko.
Wait, what? What kind of sense does that make? The canon was pretty clear that Labyrinths could only form close to the witch/demon, and John’s demon seemed to follow that pretty strictly. Now they can enter the labyrinth from anywhere in the world just because “his heart was there” or some bullshit that’s pulled right out of the story’s ass?
No! Just, no!
“I can’t help you fight it, but I can enter the outer skirts of his world,” Kyoko said as the two entered the nightmare realm. A grey landscape was all around them, covered in black and white statues and buildings, each designed with its own artistic uniqueness. The two girls soon reached the barrier separating the realm from the inner stage, and Kyoko took Homura’s hands in hers. “Good luck,” Kyoko said with a warm smile as she transferred some sparks of red energy to Homura’s hands.
I would complain, but really, what else can I say at this point? I think our dear friend has made it clear just where he stands on following PMMM canon:
Anyway, after this, Princess Homa crosses the barrier, and goes into Ulrich-Stu’s labyrinth. There’s a little more description as she steps in, and then it’s all… well, there we go.
And honestly, patrons, I think I’ll leave it here for the day. I’m just glad this is the last chapter of this bullshit that I’ll have to put up with, because it’s just gotten tedious and bad at this point. Also, there’s an action scene in the next installment, and you know what that leads to, yeah?
So stay tuned, patrons. Next week, we go back to the Quarter Quell sequels, and then the next time we get to Homura Afterstory we’ll finish it off.
Trust me, I can hardly wait…