862: Quarter Quell Sequels – Serpent’s Fang, Chapters 1 and 2Posted: October 16, 2014 | |
Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
URL: Serpent’s Fang: Chapter 1
URL: Serpent’s Fang: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hey everyone, and welcome back for more of these Quarter Quell sequels.
Well, ladies and gents, you’ll be glad to know that we’re beginning to wind down on these babies as well. As of this installment, we’re on the second to last sequel, and before long we’ll be hitting the last installment of this series. Now that we’ve got one more chapter of Homura Afterstory, we’ll be winding down with this fic as well. Either way, I will be glad to be done with both of these pieces of shit, because my God, they were bad.
Yeah, I need to find something less offensively stupid for my next snark. But before we do that, we have these two fics to get through. So let’s do that, yeah?
We start our next installment with this:
The clock was ticking. Howard had built a clock out of rocks and Zeus’ dead body.
Wait, what? What the hell is the clock ticking down to? How? And how does it—?
You know what? I’m not even going to question it. Let’s just move on and see what real kind of stupidity could be found in—
Tick, tock, tick, tock. Perhaps more annoying than Wiress’ tick, tock, tick, tock, but Ke$ha is just moody all the time.
Thank you for the reminder of that cheap Ke$ha joke, Mr. Brooks. Because we totally needed a reminder of how fucking stupid that whole thing was!
Humphrey pawed at the small arrow type things as it snapped his paw, only making him chuckle. Beetee and Violet smiled at the grey wolf in approval. They needed a laugh these days, even if it seemed to have come from pain.
It snapped his paw, and others find that funny.
Well, I imagine they might find Saw VII to be absolutely hilarious, then.
It works that way in the Ice Age, just so you know.
I’m sorry, were you under the impression that gruesome bodily injuries lend to slapstick especially well? Because the only good example of that I found had impeccable timing and a sense of the absurd. You know, ‘cause it was Happy Tree Friends and all that.
3:34. Howard turned around and looked down at Mitchell’s dead body, frowning.
Wait, you mean they’re just letting the body rot out in the open air?
Wade, Zeus, Swordneck, Hera, and Julien. He counted who had died in the battle in the ice age, and who would possibly still survive.
My money is on nobody, because then they’d discover they were in this fic and there would be mass suicide of all the protagonists.
He, then, glanced up at Zia, who immediately turned away, sheepishly and blushing. Howard, for the first time in days, smiled and continued working on the rope he had been working on earlier. He didn’t do it for any particular reason, he just had to something so he wouldn’t feel so sad. It didn’t help.
*headdesks onto buzzer*
Crayon Drawings on Cardboard Count: 10
Jack, Wade, Beetee, Wiress, Diego, Bilbo, Ripred, and Aurora all were looking down at Mitchell’s dead body, probably thinking about how he must be doing in a better place. He didn’t have to be in many of the battles, but if he knew how the big battle would end, I’m sure he would have wanted to die anyway.[/quote]
And now he’s changing the POV midway through a sentence!
Someone get the bolt tape, I got a feeling Ghostie is gonna—
No! No onomatopoeia in prose!
Well, anyway, Manny stood up and told his friends, “Look, maybe we should get a little sleep. Who knows what will happen next?” They all nodded and collapsed.
You know what, considering that it’s this series we’re talking about? I’m going to agree with Manny there. Because really, who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen next in this shitty series?
Ugh, maybe there’ll be something to save us from this crap…
Something sprinkled on Scrat’s eyes. Maybe it was his nut juice, which may not have been drunken by Rickchaw. Or perhaps it was just the light of death trying to pry his eyes open.
Scrat! Oh my God, he’s still alive!
There is was again. How much nut juice was there?
None, considering that Rickchaw drank it all. I wouldn’t be so annoyed if the fic itself hadn’t pointed this out itself!
How much did the light want Scrat to die?
Well, Scrat, we’re all clapping to make sure you live, so we want you back real badly.
Maybe, though, it was neither, as he had been wrong about many things before. All his nut ideas…were pointless. Maybe he should die. Maybe he should give in to the light, and walk into it. No, Manny had to be kept from dying.
Fuck it, it counts.
Crayon Drawings on Cardboard Count: 11
Scrat opened his eyes. Yes, there was a blinding light in front of him.
Well, Scrat, if you do go towards it, I do have one recommendation.
Do what Kenny does here:
He tried to get up but toppled over every time he would get so close that he could almost feel the light’s warmth. He closed his eyes again, turned his head, opened the eyes, and looked at the nut. It had broken in half during its time in the lava. Wait, lava? He didn’t feel the lava. Strange.
Well, Scrat, that might be because the lava fried all your nerve endings and shit. Frankly, it’s a miracle that you’re still alive…
Anyway, in the prophecy of the nut, he could read it, but not too well as to understand it. Here is what he read.
WA’ OYU RAE ITERD} ELEW I VAHE ODOG WSEN
KAET A TACAVOIN’ THIW RIKNSD FO RIUFT
Goddammit, let me guess. “Aw, you’re tired? Well, I have good news! Take a vacation, with drinks of fruit.”
He finally got the strength to get up, and he felt around his eyes. He had burnt them just a few minutes ago…or a few hours, or days, or even months!
Yes, and however long ago it was, we don’t fucking care! Now just confirm it for us already!
The lava pit was a mile away from him. How did he get there? Ah well. He took a better look at the prophecy.
AW, YOU ARE TIRED? WELL I HAVE GOOD NEWS
TAKE A VACATION, WITH DRINKS OF FRUIT
Yep, that’s what I thought! I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that the fic is asking Scrat to stop being the only thing that was giving this shitty-ass story a sense of direction. That makes me a sad panda…
And speaking of which, since I called it correctly…
No Parodies For This Count: 15
We then get another scene change, and we cut to:
Beetee heard a piercing scream in the middle of the night.
That was the reader upon realizing that yes, we’re in the middle of the fifth sequel to the original Quarter Quell fic…
He immediately opened his eyes and saw that the igloo was completely melted, and everyone was shivering, even though it was melted.
Wait, so the igloo was just sitting there for a while with all these people crammed into it, and it only now suffered structural damage? And on top of that, it wasn’t even the snow falling on top of them (‘cause, you know, that would’ve been more logical and all that)? No, it was just “oh hey, it mysteriously melted”!
Does the author not know anything about the real world?
*headdesks onto buzzer*
No Parodies For This Count: 16
The scream came from Ellie. “Questers! We need to evacuate! Hopefully the walls have melted. No groups, just go!” Everyone ran out at once, but it was a little hard because of the temperature. When they finally got to the walls, for a moment they stared in awe.
The walls? What walls? Was Stonehenge just sitting there, waiting for you guys to stumble upon it? ‘Cause it seems weird that there would just be walls sitting close by that you didn’t think to stay close to.
Oh, whatever, there have been stupider things in this fic.
Then they started playing in the rubble.
Because moving the story forward is for wimps, am I right?
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
This is starting to become so stupid I can’t even make fun of it anymore…
Anyway, after this, we get another author’s note.
AR: Sorry I haven’t written in a few days, I just didn’t have much time, what with school and stuff. Anyway, uh, here y’all go! Hey, did you know y’all is actually only supposed to be for one person? I meant all y’all.
Wait, so he’s talking about the specifics of “y’all”? Does that mean he’s from…?
Well, that explains a lot. No offense, Ghostie, but people from your part of the country can be pretty damn stupid, let’s face it.
Anyway, that ends the first chapter of this penultimate sequel. So let’s jump to the next chapter, shall—
How could the Walls of Myth have been destroyed?
It was so unnatural that it seemed it…simply could not be true.
I’ll say, considering that it never fucking happened on the audience’s watch!
And wait, weren’t these Walls of Myth inside of a cave or something? So you’re trying to tell me that they somehow destroyed a fucking cave. Well, honey, I hope it’s a cave-in… and that whatever destroyed the cave managed to pass all the trials that led to these Walls of Myth. Though, that might not be so surprising considering that those trials have never been brought up since the second sequel.
Screw it, I’m counting it.
And They Were Never Seen Again Count: 6
Luxa, Ripred, even tiny Peaches were very upset at what had happened to all the places they had ever called home. They were all destroyed. The Ice Age park, The Dinosaur World, The Igloo, and now the Walls of Myth?
Wait, when the fuck did the setting of Ice Age 3 get destroyed? That’s two places that have been destroyed offscreen with no context for how or why they had gone around!
Seriously, what the fuck?
Could this day get any worse? Of course it could.
Oh hey, the narrative is speaking for the readers once again! Isn’t that a relief that the narrative is giving us a voice in the story once again?
A darkness would rise very soon, and it would be a danger that even the questers could not defeat.
Ooh, subtle. Why, if it were any more subtle, we wouldn’t have noticed! Oh, look at the subtlety on display here!
After this, we cut to Scrat. Thank God.
Scrat, now at, as the nut called it, “the land of umbrella drinks of fruit” or whatever it was called, seemed much more relaxed than he had finding all of those nuts, and who wouldn’t?
Good God, can someone get me the translator? My runonese isn’t what it used to be…
It’s hard for a small little squirrel/rat to do his small part in the quest.
Yeah, you know, it’s so hard to do the small little part of the quest that never fucking ends because nothing is happening!
He deserved a vacation, even if he found guilt in probably letting the questers die.
Wait, so if you’re feeling guilty about it, why are you still doing it?
Oh, whatever, I have every confidence that Scrat’s quest isn’t actually important to the proceedings in any way…
He knew his mission was important, but it was just so hard!. Wait, hold up. Of course he drinks the fruity umbrella drinks, but that’s another story. HAWAII ROCKS!
My God, I’m seriously starting to run out of things to say about this series, it’s become so bad. I just… how could anyone think that a story with that kind of narration has any quality in it?
Anyway, let’s get back to Manny, yes? No doubt, we’re going to experience another mood whiplash by contrasting Scrat’s Hawaiian vacation with wangsting from the main characters.
When Manny picked up a rock of the remains of the Walls of Myth, tears formed in his eyes, for the first time in days. Why him and his family of all the people? If Peaches hadn’t been in this mess…he should have just stayed in bed that dreadful day when Fast Tony told about the games, and when he was fearfully murdered in the beginning of the games.
You know, if not for the fact that Manny is one of the few people who has actually had anything like a personality around here, I would’ve counted this on the counters. As it is, it just counts as random wangsting.
How would this story end? And would HIS story end?
There there, Manny, after this you’ll only have eight more chapters of bullshit to survive. Just hang in there a little longer.
No, he couldn’t think like that. But so many had died already, it was hard not to.
Well, one thing that might help would be to, oh, I dunno, get your thoughts back to the main plot instead of going on all these random detours for no fucking reason! Jeez, I’m pretty sure half of those deaths would’ve been avoided if you had actually thought “hey, let’s actually try to move the plot forward here”!
Can someone please, please, please pull the main plot back into the proceedings, please?
Would Jesse ever return, and would they be able to get Buck back, or had he already been killed? If Buck had already been killed then what were they fighting for?
Good Jesus Christ with a side of pasta, it’s about fucking time! Now can the focus please stay on the main plot for longer than one fucking chapter?
Suddenly it came to him. It was the enemy that kept coming to them.
Really? So the enemy kept coming to them through all the random plot detours that were taken across all of the previous sequels?
Jeez, these so-called “villains” showboat more than Dio Brando. Seriously, at least Dio had the presence of mind to actually be an evil douchebag instead of just villainously showboating all the time!
Jesse was returning, but it made no sense at all.
Manny, nothing about this series has made any sense at all. Don’t start trying to make any sense of it now, yeah?
They all knew he was Rickchaw, but what else? Or was it not Jesse at all, but some illusion to keep them occupied and running around? Whatever the reason, they had to stop it before all hell broke loose.
You know, I kind of want all hell to break loose. If nothing else, it would at least end this shitty series sooner.
There suddenly came a loud shriek from beyond the heavens, and perhaps even the place down under. Humphrey, Kate, and Violet stumbled back and whimpered, turning their heads every which way. Then the shriek became a laugh, and an evil one at that. Something more piercing than Ellie’s scream, and that’s hard to come by. Beetee and Wiress put their hands to their ears and pretended they couldn’t hear the sound, but they couldn’t.
Huh, well, I guess the bad guys finally decided to take an active part in trying to kill the questers again. Only took them four fucking sequels…
Finally the laugh stopped, and a voice came. “Serpent’s Fang. I have returned, questers.”
Nice title drop there, Velma. And really, it’s about fucking time you returned.
AR: Just another short little ditty, I guess. Well, until next time, Adieu!
Well, you’re finally making your way back the main plot of this shit, so… hooray!
Anyway, I think that’ll be it for this week. Stay tuned for next week, guys, ‘cause next week we’re finally hitting the home stretch of Homura Afterstory. Stay tuned!