861: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Three

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Whew!  We’re finally here, folks, the last installment of A Jedi’s Destiny.  A fic so bad that… you know what, it’s just bad.  Really, really bad.  With me again this week for the last time is Swenia!

“Hello, patrons, good to-  Last time?  What’s the deal with that?”

I talked it over with the raptors and we decided that since the fic is ending this week, it should be safe to put you back in it!

[SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE]

*Taco walks into the room wearing a Betty Boop outfit*

Jeez, it was a joke!

“So was mauling you.”

Cheeky lion.

Anyway, last time on Jedi’s Destiny there was stupid.  So much stupid.

*Taco starts rocking back and forth*

“Don’t worry about him, he gets this way when thinking about the fic.  Last week Presidenty Goofy, who was apparently Mark Hamill-”

YARG! THE STUPID!

“Ahem, the president was betrayed by Kahn whose name was actually something else.  Apparently there was some pressing need to disguise his identity despite that identity being entirely unknown.   Anyway, Kahn kills the president and then storms the US Archives, which is home to a modest sized fleet of Imperial ships.”

WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME, YE GODS OF LITERATURE!?

“Dude, chill.  Meanwhile Buster suddenly becomes both force sensitive and a Jedi Knight in the space of about six sentences.  Luckily the SQDF barfs up a great uncle to train him in the ways of the force. Around this same time, the PCC finishes Buster’s backstory and crams it into the fic.  It mostly  has to do with a father who was a Jedi-master descended from a long line of once-human Jedi who came to Earth and were turned into lions through the magic of radiant heat.”

THE STUPID!  IT BURNS!

“Buster trains a bit, luckily sans-montage, before the scene finally peters out.  Now if you’ll permit me, Taco needs to be reset before we can get started.”

“Let’s see here, not too much and not too little…”

*GONG*

“Better?”

Much.  Let’s see what we’re in store for this week.

Sith Ship

It’s like we’re actually there on the Sith Ship!

KaNar looked over the controls on the ship and he saw that his fleet was ready for hyperspace travel. “He then hit a button on the control board in front of him and the every star there was on the view screen moved with suck power that it felt like the ship was falling apart.

Why is he narrating that?

“I don’t care so long as he stays far, far away.  I don’t want a dude wielding suck power to be anywhere near me!”

But the ship was in fact staying together.

Whew, I was so very nearly partially apathetic about the scene.  Now that I know nothing is wrong, I can safely be entirely apathetic.

The ship then came out of hyperspace and in front of him was a large planet known as Corscant.

“Wait, if this is supposed to be several hundred years after that fall of the empire, why is he heading straight for the core of the Star Wars civilization?  Attacking Coruscant takes a massive investment of materials and manpower, and this clown has 1 star destroyer filled with non-combatants, and a small fleet of cruisers and fighters.  Yeah, smart thinking.”

 The planet was like a huge city.

Uh, yeah.  Duh.  It’s like a huge city because it IS a huge city!  The whole planet is a single super-city consisting of over 5,000 layers of habitation.

Completely industrialized to it’s full potential.

Swing and a miss.

“It’s the political seat of power for the Star Wars galaxy.  They’ve long drained the planet of any usable resources, so their industrial sector is actually pretty lacking.”

KaNar then picked up the microphone and placed it to his lips. “Every one! We’re home!”

I wouldn’t necessarily be so quick to celebrate.  The last we know of Coruscant was that it was in control of the Galactic Triumvirate, a decidedly anti-Sith government.  Sure, Coruscant changes hands more times than a virus during flu season, but there’s no guarantee that the current holders would be sympathetic to your cause.

“Not to mention they’re in ships that are several thousand years old.  That’s like rolling up to a modern military base in a roman chariot and demanding they surrender.”

You wouldn’t happen to have found and borrowed my copies of the Civilization games, would you?

“Maaaaaaaaayyyyyyybe.”

As he saw the Imperial symbol incrusted on a building on one of the many orbiting stations.

Riiiiiight.  Dude’s been separated from his folk for the gods know how long, and his empire, which he wasn’t around to lead, is still in control of Coruscant.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 56

Even IF there wasn’t some kind of rebellion brewing to overthrow his empire, it would have taken all of 12 seconds for another Sith lord to cease power-

“Taco, have you seen Crunchy recently?”

Well… shit.

The cheering his fellow Imperial yelled could be heard even though space was a huge vacuum.

*Facepalm*

Yeah, sound doesn’t work like that.  No matter how loud or important the sound is, the vacuum will stop it cold.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 57

 Then a light came on upon the communications console. “We have you on our scanners, please identify your selves” A voice commanded on the other end. “This is I, KaNar Gardon” He said with a proud voice.

*Checks the List*  “Ahh, you’re the one Lord Crunchy said to kill on sight.  If you would be so kind as to dock on station platform 10, we’ll send one of our apprentices to take care of you.”

“Holly molly! It’s true then, welcome Emperor KaNar Gardon!” the voice obviously said joyfully.

Holly Molly sounds like some kind of Christmas-themed porn-star.

“So, not only can the ‘protagonists’ not be bothered to do anything themselves, but neither can the antagonists.  All KaNar had to do was show up and there was a whole empire just waiting for him.  Even though he is a Sith DESCENDANT and would have had no prior contact with Coruscant. Ever.  At all.”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 58

Wait a damn minute!  Why did the heat of the planet Earth cause the Jedi to mutate into lions but not the Sith!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 59

Outlands 5 months later

“Translation: Showing buster’s training is hard, so we’ll skip it.”

This fucker better not have become a full-fledged Jedi in only five months.  Jedi training takes years of intense study.

Damn, who am I kidding, he’s probably a Jedi Master already.

Buster finally got home from his training and was meet by a very pissed off Zira.

“He didn’t tell his wife that he was going to be gone for five months!?  Just shoved off without a word and abandoned her with the kids!?  What a dick!  He could at least have called or something.  A text message at the very least!”

Honestly, with as useful as Buster normally is, I’m surprised she noticed he was gone.

“Where the hell were you?!” Zira yelled.

Answer the woman, asshole!

“Being trained” Buster said.

*GONG*

A better fucking answer than that!

“Now I have work to do, Zira I’ll be back later” Buster said.

“And he’s going to leave right away again!?  What a- a-… dammit there just isn’t a word for whatever it is he is.  But whatever that word is, he’s a complete and total one.”

Harsh.

As he went into his small shop in the back of his home.

Which is different from the rest of the void because it’s in the back of that other part of the void.

There he spent two days making his Light-saber and another fixing his father’s blaster that JoRan gave to him.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 60

What the fuck is a lion in Madagascar doing with a blaster!?

“And where in the name of the 7 great fucks did Buster learn to make a lightsaber, let alone fix a blaster?  And where did he get the parts to do either of those things!?”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 61

Buster then put on a gray wool cloak and a heavy hemp shirt.

Gotta look the part, I guess.

He also put on a pair of gray boots to match his wool cloak. He looked in the mirror and saw he looked a lot like his father.

You know, aside from being anthropomorphic and dressed.

“I’m suspecting that Vic has forgotten that Buster used to be a normal lion and not an anthropomorph.”

Weren’t you a normal lion at one point?

“Nope.  Alternate dimension.  Because of the Greek, you know.”

Riiiiiight.

 Buster then before leaving his shop, picked up the Light-saber and turned it on. It came out with a green glowing light and making the same low humming KaNar’s did.

*Kicks at the rubble of the fourth wall*

Welp, so much for that.

Zira was just outside the room when through the cracks of the door, she saw the whole thing.

“I absolutely hate it when I accidentally spy on my spouse for three days.”

Can you blame the woman?  Her husband is being a secretive bag of douche.  I’d probably have lit his shop on fire and boarded him inside had he left me with the kids for 5 months without warning and them came home and barricaded himself in the shop.

“Holly crap!” she thought.

Zira is a rich character with loads of depth.

“Totes, bro.”

“What are you doing mom?” Dagger asked as he left his room.

“Spying on your father.”

But it isn’t Tuesday.

“Your father is doing some strange things in there” Zira said as she looked over at Dagger.

The less said about that, the better.

As Buster knew Zira was watching him, he continued to fix his father’s blaster.

What a dick.  Doesn’t even have time to say hi.

“Isn’t there a war or something going on?  You know, against an insurmountable force that was systematically devouring pieces of the alliance without any sign of letting up?”

Yes there is, but apparently it was put on hold so Buster could go off and be a Jedi.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 62

“Not to mention nobody is barking down his door for completely abandoning the people he is supposed to be leading.”

Yeah, by now he should have been listed as dead and the reigns handed over to somebody else.  You’d think Zira would have mentioned that when he suddenly appeared.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 63

He spent another week in his shop fixing it.

Right, because there’s nothing more important going on than having a single working blaster.

“Maybe we can hope that the IN conquered Buster’s people while he was away and now they’re all in a golden age of peace and equality.”

Good thing we’ve got Buster here to fuck that all up for us.

Then it was done, so he picked it up and aimed it at the small window in his shop.

Oh he better not be-

It fired so loud it made Zira drop the laundry just outside the living room.

*GONG*

You fucking moron!  You don’t EVER shoot a lethal weapon randomly out your fucking window!  Are you TRYING to kill somebody!?  Take the damn thing to a range and shoot it there.  That’s why we HAVE ranges, you turdbucket!  It’s this kind of idiocy that gives gun owners such a bad name!

The glass flew in every which way as Buster shielded his eyes.

“Way to go dickbag, hope your proud of yourself for blowing out your window.  What next, unload it on your china cabinet?”

“Ho man this is working better than I thought!” Buster yelled.

Yeah, it shattered a window.  Woo.  Not like that’s something you could do with a BB-gun or anything.

He then put his tools away and placed his new weapons in their places and opened the door. Knocking Zira over, he just continued to walk towards the door.

“He knocks her over and then keeps going without even a word.  Hold on, I need a dictionary.  Be right back.”

*A few minutes pass and then Swenia returns with a dictionary*

“Buster, you are a noxious, bilious, puss-filled, rectal herpes sore with all the innate likability of a bad case of hemorrhoids.”

Don’t sugar coat it, Swenia.

“Where are you going now and what the hells with the nomad clothing!?” Zira asked very upset.

Far be it for me to side with an evil villain who murdered her own son and then tried to kill the other one, but Zira, hon, divorce this fucknugget.  And then give your children to somebody who doesn’t totally suck at parenting.  You’ll all be way better off.

Buster turned to face Zira with tears in his eyes.

What a tortured soul.

“Not nearly tortured enough if you ask me.”

“Zira I must do what my ancestors should have done hundreds of years ago” Buster said as he walked to Zira.

Stop procreating?

“A little late for that now.”

Any time is a good time for Buster to stop having children. Though it would have been far better if he’d stopped before the first one, yes.

“What are you talking about Buster?” Zira asked.

You see what happens when you act needlessly mysterious?  It makes everyone get all up in your grill.

Buster took her paws in his and sat her down on the couch. He then sat beside her. “I’m suppose to be human” Buster said.

Which makes your relationship really, really wrong on a lot of levels.

“Not to mention it calls into question their genetic compatibility.”

Yeah, what IS up with that?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 64

“Huh?!” Zira asked confused. “But you are a lion from the African country Madagascar” Zira said.

Which should have made everyone very suspicious in the first place.

Buster shook his head. “I may have been born a lion, but my ancestors were human” Buster said as he put one end of his cloak around Zira. “I don’t under stand” Zira said.

“Who can blame her, even using idiot logic this doesn’t make any damn sense.”

 “My ancestors are humans from a different planet called Tatoonie. They were Jedi knights and Masters. They came to earth to escape the ever powerful Sith. Our mortal enemies” Buster said as he pulled Zira closer.

Yup, still not making any sense.  It may be that the whole premise here is just too stupid to make any sense.

“Damn your confusing!” Zira snapped.

“Hey, leave his confusing out of this!  It tries very hard so there really is no reason to damn it out of the blue like that.”

“This may sound like complete nonsense to you now,

And everyone else with more than half a brain cell.

“Oh come now, I’m sure there are single celled organisms who find this shit confusing.”

 but you’ll see later on that I am I Jedi Knight” Buster said as he pulled his Light-saber out of his pocket.

You misspelled Sith there, Sparky.

 “What is that?” Zira asked backing away from Buster.

QUICK!  RUN!

“A Jedi’s Light-saber or my Light-saber” Buster said as he got up.

I’m sure that’s a big help.

A what?” Zira asked as she saw Buster hold the Light-saber in one hand pointing it outward from his stomach.

“I really hope that he’s holding it upside-down right now.”

Then the same green light she saw before returned but it was much brighter and had an eerie humming as buster swished it back and forth.

Dude, we get it.  Can you stop playing with all your weapons in the house?

“How much more badassery-based ego-wank do we have to sit through.”

Quite a bit, unfortunately.

“Um is that a sword or something?” Zira asked getting up.   Buster nodded his head and shut the Light-saber off. “Now you said something you must do?” Zira asked as Buster sat back down.

It probably has to do with him abandoning you for several months without any explanation or contact.  You may as well start filing the divorce paperwork now.

“Oh yeah! I forgot” Buster said as he got back up.

He forgot about all the important stuff he should be doing because he needed to show off his new toys for a bit.

 “I must go away from here” Buster said.

“Meh, I’ve had worse lines from my partner when breaking up.”

OK, I’ll bite, give me an example.

“‘You’re too much like my mother, which makes the sex too awkward.'”

Yikes.

“What?” Zira asked grabbing his cloak.

I smell some douchebandonment coming!

“I must return to the Galactic Empire with my great Uncle JoRan” Buster said as he headed for the door. “You can’t leave me here alone!” Zira yelled as she kept cling to Buster’s cloak.

And there it is.

“I’m not so sure this counts.”

Really?  He’s leaving her on the war-torn Earth where the IN have nearly gained control of the entire planet to go cavorting off with his Uncle.  And he doesn’t even spend a moment considering that he could bring her with.  She and the kids would hardly be in any more danger with him.  Heck, he could probably drop them off on a peaceful planet somewhere in the fringe.

“Maybe he finally realized that the IN would actually treat everyone pretty well?  Seems like they’d be more than willing to extend a protective arm to Buster’s battered family.”

Hmm, fair point.

Buster pulled away and left the house as Zira was on her knees crying. Buster continued to walk down the hallway with out looking back. His officer in charge of security looked at him as he walked down the hallway in strange clothing.

“Dude, where the hell have you been for the last five months!?  The IN are everywhere!  They took control about a week after you vanished and there’s a  huge price on your head!”

Buster walked down to his office and he stepped in side. Where there once was his vid screen setup there was a hidden hallway instead. He walked down the hidden hallway to a room were there was a ship that was not made and designed by PX.

Forgiving the fact that you still have an executive office after 5 months of unexplained absence, which frankly deserves a-

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 65

Forgiving that, you had Professor X design a prototype starship WHEN YOU ALREADY FUCKING HAD ONE BEHIND A SECRET WALL IN YOUR OFFICE!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 66

he stepped up the ladder into the hallway of the ship. “Its a massive ship, must have been brought here by JoRan” Buster thought.

“So, in the week since you got back, JoRan found a ship, brought it to your headquarters, hired an architect to design a massive hanger with a secret entrance to your office, hired a contractor to build all that, and then parked the ship in the new hangar.”

Either that, or Buster had that hanger built during the original construction, just in case a long-lost uncle needed a place to park a giant interstellar spacecraft.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 67

As he walked down the hallway he saw a few other lions in the seats of the passenger lounge.

So, he’s fine bringing other lions with him, just not his family.

“You know what, I’d be more than happy to fill-out and file Zira’s divorce paperwork for her.  Does the Library have any lawyers I could borrow?”

Uhh, I think one of the Specs & Co. might know something about law.

“Good enough for me.”

All wearing the same kind of clothes except different colors and material.

Why?  Why the wide color and material spectrum of the uniforms?  Is it important that his bridge-crew be rainbow squad or something?

Buster looked around and found a letter on the cockpit door.

“IOU one starship engine. – Uncle Jayjay.”

“Buster, you are the final member of our race on this pitiless planet.

*GONG*

You’re still using that word wrong, Vic.

“Whatever happened to there being a handful of them left?”

More to the point, if they’ve been on the earth since the “primitive times” as indicated, how the fuck did they keep their population so small!?  With as many cubs as Zira has pumped out in this story, you’d think most of the lions on the planet would have a least a little Jedi in them.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 68

“I really hope “Little Jedi” isn’t what Buster calls his penis.”

ARRGGGHH!

 Join your relatives and Jedi Knights and Masters with a joyful heart. I’m waiting in the cockpit for you as you’re the only one of us is a certified pilot” it read.

Seriously, Uncle Jam?  You put a note on the door that you’re behind?  What the fuck was the point of that?

“And why is Buster the only certified pilot!?  He’s never even been in this ship before, let alone spent enough time flying it to earn certification.”

*Swenia shakes the fic.*

“WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO STUPID!?”

Buster then found a panel with some button on it by the door. He could not understand them so he used the Force to decipher them.

Yeah, the force can’t do that.  At best, you could use the Force to pull that information out of somebody else’s mind who already knew what it meant.  But, then again, doing so would be considered a dark side ability.  Alternately you could pull that information from a  nearby computer, which is also a dark side ability.

“So right up Buster’s alley, then.”

He then opened his eyes and pressed a green button. The door swished open and there sat his uncle in the co-pilot’s seat.

Apparently it was not obvious to Buster what a green button on a panel beside a door might do.

Buster sat down in the pilot’s chair and faced the controls of the ship. “Awe crap, now how am I going to pilot this thing?” Buster asked as he looked at the controls.

“Our ‘only certified pilot’, ladies and gentlemen.”

As soon as your pilot says anything even remotely close to what Buster just said, get off the ship.

 “Picture them as if they were the controls to one of those tanks widely used here, then it’ll be easier” JoRan said as he buckled his seatbelt.

“Right!  Picture the controls of this vehicle that you’ve never piloted as if they were the controls of another completely different vehicle with a completely different function which you’ve also never piloted!  I’m sure that’ll help loads!”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 69

 Buster closed his eyes and remembered what the controls of an Outland Road Kill tank were like.  He then opened his eyes and flipped a switch on and started the engines.

Things are pretty bleak in the outland if they’re repurposing roadkill into tanks.

So, just so we’re all clear, Buster, when driving a tank how do you stage the propulsion to get yourself safely into orbit?

“You know, the normal way.”

At this point we launch into a heavily belabored launch and travel sequence that is largely just boring scene padding and technobabble.  Aisde from the author’s inability to tell the difference between Hyper Speed and Light Speed (two extremely different things), it’s not really interesting enough for comment.

Long story short, they launch the ship, jump to Hyper Speed, and land right in front of three Imperial ships who snag them in a tractor beam.

“Way to go, idiot.”

 “What is happening Master?” He asked. “The imperials have us already” JoRan said calmly. “Hey it sounds like you meant for us to be caught by them!” Buster yelled. “Now listen closely Buster, the Sith aboard that ship will know we’re Jedi and he’ll have us sent to the imperial capital city on Corscant.  There we may get a chance to see who were up against” JoRan said.

As yet the fic has offered no viable reason for the Sith to want to capture these Jedi alive.  Which means these Sith are every bit as stupid as you are.  Were I the Sith in this situation, and I KNEW that the ship I have dead to rights was filled with Jedi, I’d blow it up.  And then blow up the rubble.  Then vaporize whatever was left.  Jedi can survive a lot of relatively overwhelming situations, but having your ship blown apart by capital-scale turbolasers is not among them.

“KaNar Gardon?” The younger lion asked. “Yes Desmond, KaNar Gardon” JoRan said. Then before Buster could shut off the engines, her heard a noise from out side on the ship. He looked out the window and looked up. Right there was a huge ship.

*Jumps* “GAH!  When did the ninja get a Star Destroyer!?”

Then a door in the back of the ship was blown apart and instead of men there were huge two legged droids with massive blaster weapons for a left arm and heavily armored shields as on place of the right arm.

Ahh, assassin droids.   Too bad they don’t realize they’re up against a massive blackhole Stu.

A couple of the lions in the back wiped out their blasters and hid behind their chairs and fired at the droids. The droids deflected the blaster shots with the shields and then would quickly spray the lions with a rapid firing blaster weapon. After a couple minutes, the back rows were totally engulfed in flames.

“Everything is going according to JoRan’s carefully constructed plan!  Phase 1: Take heavy losses to the ever dwindling population of Lion Jedi after being boarded.”

I love it when a plan comes together.

The droids continued to pursue father and Buster opened the cockpit door with his arms high in the air. The droids dropped their guard as troops finally came into the ship. They gathered up the rest of the passengers and headed them for the door. One of them came to Buster and got behind him and escorted him and JoRan out of the cockpit keeping his blaster on Buster’s back.

Hey, nameless Sith idiot, maybe you should disarm them.  Just a thought.

“I’m sure that won’t be a problem later.”

Buster and the others were escorted to the prison cells of the ship. As they were being pushed through the hallways, Buster over heard that the name of the ship they were in was called a Star Destroyer.

I really have no idea why Vic waited so long to name drop the ship.

“I am still trying to figure out how the Star Wars universe managed to go so long without making any technological progress.”

Likely Vic thought it would be too hard to update everything for the extremely vague time difference between when the Jedi and Sith came to Earth and their eventual escape.

“That is hard stuff.  Might as well just assume technology progress in the Star Wars universe stopped after the sixth movie.”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 70

*Sigh* There’s still so much left of this thing.  But I want to be done with it, so we’re gonna keep going.  Strap in, everyone.

Then he spent with the rest of the crew in the prison a good two hours.

Uh… what?

“Wow, that has to be the most powerfully awkward sentence I’ve seen yet.”

Then the door opened to his cell and he was escorted out as he knew he was going to go some where but he could not quite use the force to his benefit to reading minds of others at the moment.  So he and his uncle were taken from the prison block and came to the docking bay were his ship was, but they headed in the direction of an Imperial ship. Buster and JoRan were put aboard it and an imperial crew loaded onto it.

Call me crazy, but I’m thinking Vic was starting to get excited at this point.

“Are you referencing how this entire chapter has felt rushed and extremely forced?”

Maaaaaaaybe.

Then Buster JoRan were loaded on to the ship and left the Star Destroyer and flew towards a large planet that looked like it was a huge planetary city

*ALARM BLARES*

Sonofa-

*Swenia pulls out a Holorifle*

“I’ve got this.”

*The doors slide open to reveal an empty hallway*

“Um, what?”

Yesterday is National Dessert Day.  Most likely they were distracted on their way past the kitchen.

“So that’s what Gumdrop and Goeth were doing in there all day yesterday.”

Oh, they’re still in there.  Nobody has told them that it’s been over 24 hours since they started their Bake-a-thon.

Anyway, yadda yadda they land on Coruscant after some more padding.

“It like he’s trying to rush through to the end while at the same time still trying to pad out for a good word count.  It’s like the absolute worst of both worlds!”

Kahn is waiting for them.

The man in the black robe removed his hood and he looked like a man he saw before in his lifetime but Buster had no idea where he remembered him. “So this is King Buster Tiberious, now a Jedi Knight I see?” The man asked.

It’s really, really hard to say that out loud without a derisive laugh.

Buster spoke first. “Yes I am King Buster Tiberious and I also am a Jedi Knight” JoRan looked up and spoke.

“Also hard to say without a derisive laugh.”

 “I am JoRan Tiberious and a Jedi Master, and you must be KaNar Gardon?” JoRan looked up at the cloaked human saw him nod.

Well… this is… nice.

*Long awkward pause*

Would either of you gentlemen care to take some tea?

Prepare to meet thy doom!” KaNar yelled activating his Light-saber.

“Facepalm* *Headdesk*

Why is this whole story so fucking stupid?  That’s your big reason to capture them and bring them to your home planet?  So that you can kill them in person?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 71

“That’s it, there’s nobody left to root for in the fic!  I can’t even root for the IN because they were established as puppets to the Imperials, and the Imperials are every bit as stupid and useless as Buster is!”

I’m just going to root for the inevitable heat-death of the universe at this point.

JoRan than pushed Buster out of the way and activated his blue Light-saber and fought with KaNar.

“Your predictions are eerily accurate.”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 72

Genre savviness of horrible writing is a hazard of the trade.

“This is why prisoners need to be stripped naked, cavity searched, and then placed in clothing that you provide.”

That’s one of those common sense things that even the best evil villains and their henchmen forget.

Next we get a fight scene that, while poorly paced and written, isn’t actually the worst fight scene I’ve had to read for the Library.  Then again, the Undead Zombie Chronicels series is really hard to top in that respect.

Basically JoRam and Kahn have a lightsaber dual.  It includes all the acrobatic shenanigans common in the “first” three  Star Wars movies.  But the end is rather predictable given that JoRam is the ObiWan analogue for this fic.

Buster yelled out in sorrow as his uncle died in front of him. Buster then activated his Light-saber and before he could get to KaNar, the droids stopped him.

Yessss, much sorrow and anger in this one.  He is the perfect vessel for the dark side of the force.  With my tut-

There you are, Crunchy! We were worried about you.  You remember Buster right?

Yesssss he… did you say Buster?  GAH!  I almost made a terrible mistake!  The light side can keep him!

*Crunchy scurries off*

Buster deflected their blaster shots with his Light-saber as he slowly tried making his way to KaNar. But KaNar boarded the Shuttle Tyderian.

“Wait, so you only kill one of your prisoners then send in mookbots while you skedaddle!?  You, sir, are a kind of idiot rarely seen even in congress!”

kelso-burn

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 73

So Buster reached into his pocket of the cloak and pulled out a small grappling hook and placed it on the edge of the landing pad while still deflecting the blaster shots from the droids.

I guess his Jedi training didn’t include all the acrobatics that should let him just jump over these droids.

“But it did seem to include a rather effective course on multi-tasking.”

He grabbed the end of the rope and jumped off the ledge.

“The droids, fully knowledgeable that Buster had only one point of support, quickly blasted the grappling hook.  Buster plummeted to his death, leaving the universe at peace.  The End.”

*BZZT*

I warned you about that.

“It was still worth it.”

Usually is.

While falling, he shit his Light-saber off and put it in his pocket.

Ew, dude, no!  Not cool!

He then reached the end of the rope.

“Which slipped from his grasp and he plummeted to his dea-”

*BZZT*

“Spoilsport.”

Buster looked down. There was a rooftop of something below him 16 feet below.

*ALARM BLARES*

Hopefully they have enough of those little mutagen tarts to keep the DRD distracted.

Buster then let go of the rope and fell freely to the rooftop. Buster got to his feet and looked over the edge.

Aww man, not even bruised from that fall.  Total rip-off.

There were many kinds of people below and also a numerous amount of different creatures were walking the streets as well.

“Such masterful scene building.”

Buster jumped down to the ground and concealed his Light-saber in an inside pocket.

*ALARM BLARES*

Maybe we should send word to Gumdrop to plan for a few dozen more batches of cupcakes.

Buster started to walk among them and quickly discovered through the aid of the Force, that a lot of them were Sith members.

You do know that the whole force-sense thing is a two-way street, right?  Buster should be lighting up like a pinball machine right now.

“Not to mention that he just jumped off a landing platform while being shot at by several droids.  That’s not exactly something that would escape notice of the large number of Sith surrounding him.”

Yeah, he should have been confronted by a pretty large number of people as soon as he hit the ground.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 74

He looked around at the Sith members and saw the difference among the ranks. Sith Lords were the lower rank like a Jedi Knight and there were the Sith Masters. They looked like monks with not much of their faces showing. They mostly wore black robes like the one KaNar wore.

“How does he implicitly know what the various flavors of Sith are called just by sensing them with the force and then looking at them?  Are they wearing signs or something?”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 75

The actual pecking order of the Sith is much, much more complex than that depending on when in the Sith’s history you look.  So this doesn’t even really conform to canon.

Then Buster looked behind him and saw that most of the Sith he had passed were following him. Buster picked up the pace and they quickly picked theirs up as well.

Buster looked behind him self again and they were still there. So he started to run.

Subtle.

Buster looked behind him and they were running as well.

“Uh, Sith?  You guys are all force users.  Can one of you just whump him with something?”

Buster turned and faced them with his Light-saber ready for action. All the Sith members stopped and one came out with his red Light-saber ready as well.

Subtle.  I’m sure doing this in the middle of a crowded metropolitan area isn’t going to attract undue attention.

Buster and the Sith Lord fought with such ferocity that the other Sith Members stayed at a good distance.

From the makers of poorly paced action, we bring you: paraphrased action.

“Don’t help that guy or anything.  You wouldn’t want him to actually win the fight.”

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 76

Buster then knocked his Light-saber up into the air.

Why would he do that to his own lightsaber?

 As the Sith Lord went to grab for it, Buster cut his hand off. Then Buster gutted him with one left swing if his Light-saber. Buster then saw one of the crowd unveil a Blaster and aimed it at him. Buster swished his Light-saber up as the person fired. The shot was deflected and hit that person in the chest. Buster then grabbed his father’s blaster and fired it at that person again.

Vic.  This scene is bad, and you should feel bad.  There’s just so much wrong here I cannot even work up the energy to do anything but add it to the counter.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 77

The rest of the crowd moved aside to let Buster leave, then he walked away.

“Fuck, that’s so stupid it gets three!”

*SLAM*  *SLAM*  *SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 80

“You guys outnumber him mumblety to one in the capital city located at very center of your power base!  Stop attacking him one at a time!  If you swarm his ass, he will go down and go down HARD!”

Buster knew he had to get back to that palace to have his revenge.

Because revenge is certainly a noble cause worthy of a Jedi Knight.  It’s certainly the most important thing to be thinking about right now.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 81

So he walked away from the palace into an area he thought was made up of Jedi.

“Wait, so there’s a Jedi AREA on what is essentially the Sith homeworld!?”

*SLAM*  *SLAM*  *SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 84

He found one Jedi there. His name was DeVon Kellder. He was a Jedi Knight just as Buster was. Buster could feel that this DeVon was well trained. Well trained enough to stay hidden from the Sith.

But apparently not well enough to hide himself from a Padawan with 5 months training.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 85

So began Buster’s true journey. His journey as the Jedi he was to be.

You misspelled Sith again, Vic.

Until Next time my devoted readers!

Luckily, there was never a next time.

And with that, it’s over!

Whew, that was easily the worst thing I’ve ever had to read.  Ever.  And the worst part about the whole ordeal was that so much of the plot went absolutely nowhere.  Little flecks of plot kept jumping into center stage only to become trivial and then be entirely forgotten.  I’d make a list of the number of plot elements that were trivialized and then dropped, but it would go on and on and on.  Even the main antagonist, the IN, was trivialized and then vanished within the space of a single sentence!

So not only was this fic offensive in a whole slew of ways, but it was entirely pointless!  The damn thing was empty!  Just a nearly random assortment of disjointed scenes and plot fragments tossed together into a giant failure pile of awful which starred a useless dickbag who doesn’t show any agency unless it involves him abusing somebody!

This fucking thing didn’t even have the decency to be spelled correctly or be savvy to the canon it supposedly drew from.  From cover to cover it was just a shameless author ego wank-fest.  I am so glad to be done with this worthless trashfic.

Oh well, at least a couple good things came out of it.

“Why thank you, Taco.”

Anyway, as per usual, I’ll be spending the next few weeks tackling some harmless one-shots that I’ve collected.  So, until then, stay frosty, patrons!

“So, uh, what do I do now?”

That’s really up to you, but I’m sure you’ll find something.  There’s always stuff to do in the Library.  In the meantime I think I smell Gumdrop’s famous Iguanadon Profiterole.

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50 Comments on “861: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Three”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    “I’m suppose to be human” Buster said.

    *spit-take*

    WHAT!??!

  2. The Crowbar says:

    Wait, so you only kill one of your prisoners then send in mookbots while you skedaddle!? You, sir, are a kind of idiot rarely seen even in congress!”

    …I think he spontaneously burst into flames from that one.

    Ouch…

  3. The Crowbar says:

    Thank God this bullshit is over!

    Jesus, this whole plot was so dumb it made my future children cry…

  4. erttheking says:

    But Taco, don’t you know? Spearman beats tank!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    I love how not only does JoRan not tell anyone on the ship that his plan is “let’s get ourselves captured”, but he has no exit strategy for the surviving NPCs from the ship, who I guess just get left on the Star Destroyer to be tortured and executed.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I’m also unclear on how their plan to kill Kahn will really get them anywhere.

      We’re talking about the Sith here. Their general order of things is that the most powerful among them rules. Once somebody within the Sith is able to kill that ruler, they immediately take over.

      So, even if our “heroes” do kill Kahn, there’s 5 million other Sith lined up eager and ready to take his place.

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Yeah, smart thinking.

    Well, Taco, this fic has been full of nothing but idiocy from the outset. I’m not sure why you expected this to be any different from what we got before…

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Even IF there wasn’t some kind of rebellion brewing to overthrow his empire, it would have taken all of 12 seconds for another Sith lord to cease power-

    “Taco, have you seen Crunchy recently?”

    Well… shit.

    Hey, you know what? I’ll take Crunchy over any of these clowns any day. At least Crunchy has some semblance of sanity, you know what I mean?

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “He didn’t tell his wife that he was going to be gone for five months!? Just shoved off without a word and abandoned her with the kids!? What a dick! He could at least have called or something. A text message at the very least!”

    Honestly, with as useful as Buster normally is, I’m surprised she noticed he was gone.

    Well, he was an abusive asshat to his children, so Zira was probably thinking “finally, he’s out of our hair, thank Christ for that”. It’s a stretch at this point, but you know what? I’ll take it!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    What a- a-… dammit there just isn’t a word for whatever it is he is. But whatever that word is, he’s a complete and total one.

    I know just the right combination of words you’re looking for, Swenia.

    Take it away, Chevy Chase!

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You fucking moron! You don’t EVER shoot a lethal weapon randomly out your fucking window! Are you TRYING to kill somebody!? Take the damn thing to a range and shoot it there. That’s why we HAVE ranges, you turdbucket! It’s this kind of idiocy that gives gun owners such a bad name!

    There there, Taco. I’ll have the calming water gongs ready in a few seconds…

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I’m pretty sure that Buster is like… I think it was Caligula? Some famous powerful nutcase… and just routinely snipes at passers by from the top of government buildings.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        I think you meant Hitler, Sakai…

        And the love child of Adolf Hitler and Lee Harvey Oswald is a very, very scary thing to think of…

      • X Equestris says:

        There are some resemblances to Stalin as well, like Buster’s hair-trigger temper and the abuse of his son.

        Fortunately, though, he doesn’t quite approach Caligula levels of awful. That wonderful fellow slept with his sisters and spoke to the statue of Jupiter Capitolinus, and was once overheard threatening the god, “Either you throw me or I will throw you!” Buster is pretty bad, but he isn’t as crazy as Caligula was.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hey, Buster lacked the artistic suppression that Stalin liked to take part in. Though really, I guess you can’t assume that much since Hitler did the same thing and stuff. But yeah, I didn’t think Buster was up to Caligula levels…

      • X Equestris says:

        I hate to imagine what Buster would be like if he were as crazy as Caligula was.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    My ancestors are humans from a different planet called Tatoonie. They were Jedi knights and Masters.

    Far be it for me to point out a minor detail considering the plot canyon we’ve stumbled into with this fic, but aren’t there plenty of Jedi that aren’t human?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Is it important that his bridge-crew be rainbow squad or something?

    I’m so going to get reamed by Fraug’s fiancee for making this reference, but fuck it, here’s my rendition of his bridge crew’s outfits:

  13. “You know what, I’d be more than happy to fill-out and file Zira’s divorce paperwork for her. Does the Library have any lawyers I could borrow?”

    Uhh, I think one of the Specs & Co. might know something about law.

    :raises hand:

    I’m a notary public and I’d be willing to waive my usual fee.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I am still trying to figure out how the Star Wars universe managed to go so long without making any technological progress.”

    It’s probably for the same reason that the same thing happened with the parallel galaxy. Something tells me IHW somehow thought Jedi’s Destiny was a good fic.

    I mean, they are both Canadian, after all…

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, technological progress in canonical Star Wars seems pretty glacial. I don’t have my official timeline with me at college, but there seem to be relatively few changes even going back several thousands of years.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yeah, but no technological changes at all over that amount of time? You’re kidding me, right?

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Then he spent with the rest of the crew in the prison a good two hours.

    A baker’s rendition of this moment, as reenacted by Hugh Jackman and Billy Crystal:

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’m just going to root for the inevitable heat-death of the universe at this point.

    Too bad Kyubey is trying to keep that from happening, yeah?

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So this doesn’t even really conform to canon.

    You expect this shitty-ass fic to conform to canon even though the canon stopped mattering once this fic completely forgot about the existence of Simba’s pride?

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “You guys outnumber him mumblety to one in the capital city located at very center of your power base! Stop attacking him one at a time! If you swarm his ass, he will go down and go down HARD!”

    Something tells me that Victor Tarsus here confused the Sith with Agent Smith, and then Victor started trying to replicate this fight:

    Of course, that turned out to be too hard, so he just gave up midway through.

  19. *Jumps* “GAH! When did the ninja get a Star Destroyer!?”

    :headdesk:

    That’s it; this year I’m screening their letters to Robot Santa.

  20. “Wow, that has to be the most powerfully awkward sentence I’ve seen yet.”

    :pats Swenia on the shoulder:

    That’s because you’re new. One day you’ll look back at this sentence and think “Wow, that almost makes sense now!”


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