854: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welcome back to the home stretch of A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares try to answer the question: How villainous can an author make their protagonist?  Once again, I’ve got Swenia sitting co-pilot.

“It’s like you take some kind of perverse delight in preventing me from getting a nap.”

You’re not wrong about that.  Anyway, last time there were space shenanigans.  There’s really no other way to put it.  Buster and Professor X pull a space-program out of their shared endless anal pouch of holding in all of three days, fly very, very slowly up into space, find that the IN is already colonizing space, and then head for home.

“Wasn’t there also something about the aristocracy of the UO fleeing to a city on top of a mountain?”

Yeah, but it’s not important.  In fact, it’s never mentioned again in the fic.

“WHAT!?”

Welcome to bad fanfiction.

This week we start with president goofy!

United States

The best part about these scene tags is the way they have completely replaced all the setting that should be in the fic.

The president was sitting quietly as he watched two satellites monitor unknown ships in orbit.

“Why is he staring at the satellites and not their video feeds?”

They’re probably shiny.  Like a  bass boat, but in space.  Sadly Uncle Google didn’t cough up a good picture for that one.

 “Could those be Russian, Mr. Valekahn?” He asked while a man in a black suite was standing at the window looking outside.

At this point both Russia and the US have essentially collapsed, so maybe you should stop worrying about them.  You might want to worry about that new Nazi-inspired alliance that sprung up in Africa.  The IN might also be a bit of a problem, too.

“Huh? I have no idea what they are sir” He said looking back out side the window.

“Kahn can’t be bothered with your stupid end of the world.  He has far more important things to do!  Like birdwatching.”

“Well for a second there, it looked like the Nazi symbol was on that huge station” The president said looking at the vid screen and rubbing his beard.

So wait, are we still equating the IN with the Russians?  Because that doesn’t make any fucking sense.  The leader is an Anthropomorphic Lion sporting a German name whose empire is based out of Africa.

“The Swastika?” Mr. Valekahn asked looking at the President’s chair. “It sure looked like it” The president said turning off the monitors.

“Neener, neener, Kahn!  You can’t see it because I turned off the monitors!”

“Bull crap sir, you and I both know that the Nazi Third Reich has been dead for the last 50 or so years. And Germany isn’t even capable of space exploration” Mr. Valekahn said looking at the window.

Very true.

“It is also impossible for another group to… WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!  How in the name of fuck did the IN get to be a world power with a city twice the size of the world’s largest without the US finding out about it!?  Hell, everyone on the planet should know about them!”

“Something with that window?” The president asked. “No, it’s just that I like to watch from this hidden window down upon those Imperialists trying to force the people of this country to obey them. I’ll tell you something right now, they stink at power ship!” Mr. Valekahn yelled at the window.

Yeah, they’re almost as bad at leading as… well… both of you.  And Buster.  And Arin.  It’s not like the imperials were able to sow dissent to such an extent that it left your country in tatters or anything.  That 75% crime rate is just a small setback, right?

“‘Power ship?’  Really, Vic?  That was the best you could come up with?”

Aren’t you glad you’re out of this turd?

“You have no idea.”

“Keep it down crap head! Do you want them to hear us?!” The president yelled as he opened his cigarette case.

If you pretend these two are 12-year-olds pretending to be president and… whoever Khan is supposed to be, the scene makes a lot more sense.

“Sorry” Mr. Valekahn said as he walked for the exit. “Ok, ready for this allegiance with these so called Outlanders?” The president asked. “Yes” Mr. Valekahn said walking out of the office.

*Facepalm*

Welp, there goes another potential source of conflict down the drain.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 50

As Mr. Valekahn was walking down the hall way, he looked down at his waist and carefully uncovered a rod that was neatly secured and concealed in a sheathe of cloth.  “Your time has come my friends” He slowly repeated to himself a few times before reaching his office.

Da-bwah?  How many people are in Kahn’s head that he insists on referring to himself not only in the third person, but in plural?

When he got inside, he slammed the door shut and walked over to his desk and there was a briefcase with an odd symbol on it. He opened it and there was a laser of some kind with another rod.

“Ah, a Somekind® Laser.  The new PCC laser solution for only the most generic situations.”

He removed the first layer of packing foam and found a uniform under it. He then removed his hat and shirt. He put them aside and put the uniform on.

Thrill as he carefully dresses!

“I hope he folded his shit after he took it off.”

We may never know.

It resembled the ones used by the American Imperialists but it was much darker and had a different symbol on the shoulder.

“Ah, yes, the uniform of the American Imperialist.  We actually have a picture of one of those based on Vic’s earlier description:”

White_430113_i0

“So picture that, only darker and with a different symbol on the shoulder.”

He then found a hat and put it on. It looked like a police mans hat but the strange symbol was in the middle of it.  Mr. Valekahn then found a pair of leather gloves and put them on.

It’s important to accessors when you’re wearing formless attire.  The trick is to draw attention away from the vague thing you might be wearing.

He then left his desk and sat down on his couch and removed his old shoes and put on a real shiny pair of leather boots that went half way up his shinbones.

“When finally making the obvious revelation that you’re evil, it is critical that you dress the part.  Otherwise your betrayal might be surprising.”

He then got up and walked back to the desk and found the laser pistol and metal rod. He put the rod in the same place and threw the other one in the garbage.

What, did the other one go bad?  What the hell is up with these rods!?

Mr. Valekahn then put the laser pistol in a holster on his left side. He looked in the mirror. He straightened out some badges on his left chest that looked like just pieces of colored blocks fitted on to a metal plate.

“WE GET IT!  Kahn is evil and about to betray president goofy!  Can we move on already!?”

He then turned and faced the door. With a huge demonic smile on his face, Mr. Valekahn walked towards the door. It opened and he walked out into the hallway.

This thing is just going nowhere slowly.

As he passed the security guard post, the guard on duty looked up at him funnily. Mr. Valekahn then continued to walk down the hallway.

“Huh, this guy is suddenly dressed like our sworn enemy.  Meh, probably legitimate.  No need to stop him for questioning.”

Kahn is really fortunate that the smart guard was taking a coffee break.

Then he reached the door he had entered on many occasions, but this time was different from all the other times.

“Because this time he’s wearing the daddy pants.”

He walked in and there sat the President looking out the window. “Who is it?” The president asked. Mr. Valekahn then took the laser from its holster and spoke. “It is I sir” He said.

FINALLY!

“Geh, I thought it was going to take all afternoon for him to finally get around to betraying president goofy!”

“Oh, it’s you Mr. Valekahn” The president said. “No, my name is KaNar Gardon, supreme leader of the Imperialists” He said slowly.

*Swenia raises her hand*

Yes, Swenia?

“Mr. Taco, why was it important that Kahn take on an assumed name?”

I’m very glad you asked that question, Swenia.  If you’ll direct your attention to the white-board, I’ll draw out a quick flowchart of why it was important.

blue

“IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!”

“Awe shit” the president said.

A fair reaction.  Even so, I’m not sure what president goofy was expecting.  When you hire people who act as overtly sinister as Kahn has, them turning out to be evil really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.

The president then turned in his chair to look upon the man he had tried to destroy but he was not broken in spirit as the president thought.

“Um… what?”

You got me.  There must have been a first book or something that Vic forgot to post.

He was his most trusted military General, Mr. Valekahn.

Uh, no he fucking wasn’t.  He was the representative of CORP. X, the company you contracted as part of a joint venture with Canada to produce super-soldiers.  It’s spelled out, plain as day, in the second chapter.

“Was that before or after the program suddenly became Russian in origin?”

You know, I have no fucking clue at this point.

“What do you want from me?!” The president yelled.

“Either surrender of the remaining shambles of your country, or possibly just to gloat a bit before shooting you.”

I’m rooting for the second, that’s way more Awesome McEvily than the first.

“Death” KaNar said in a sinister laugh.

BOOYA!  Called it!

The president then reached for his silent alarm button and pressed it 4 times to indicate there was a direct threat to him.

That’s just shitty design.  If you’re going to install a silent alarm button, you should only need to press it once to indicate that you need help.

“Mistake” KaNar said moving to the left of the door.

“Kahn, quite playing with him and just kill him.  The scene has dragged on long enough.”

Yeah, put us out of our misery and just end the scene, please.

When the door opened, he brought the metal rod out of the sheathe of cloth. “Sir?” The guard asked with his .9 mm in hand. But it was too late, the metal rod KaNar had in his hand revealed a blinding red light.

“What just happened?”

*Shrug* I unno, maybe he’s a wizard?

“Wait, so why did he have to get rid of the other rod?”

It was out of magic, I guess.

*Swenia shakes the fic*

“WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!?”

Before the president could see it more clearly, KaNar brought it down on the guard’s gun. There was a low buzzing emitting from the light then followed by the guard’s screams of pain.

“Gunnum notworkum, bitches.”

I can’t take you anywhere.

The president looked at the guard cradling his arm as he his hand and gun were in the floor.

That was one hell of a spell- WAIT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHTSABER!  We finally have some Star Wars up in this pile.

“‘Metal Rod’ has to be about the absolute worst description you could ever give a lightsaber.”

Wait, why the hell did he throw the other lightsaber away!?

“I unno, probably out of magic.”

KaNar then brought his knee up into the guard’s stomach and as the guard was hunched over his knee, kicked him into the hallway and shut the door.

You already cut the poor guy’s hand off.  Kneeing him in the groin and kicking him out of the room is kind of a dick move after that.

KaNar then pressed a button on the rod and the light disappeared. He walked to the president’s desk and picked him up from his chair by the collar of the president’s shirt.

“You’ve gloated enough, dude.  Just kill the president so we can all get back to our lives.”

KaNar placed the President down on his feet and place the laser pistol to his head. “Nighty night, Mark Hamill president of the United States!”

*Facepalm* *Headdesk*

You have GOT to be shitting me.

“Was that supposed to be a reveal of some kind?”

I’m not sure what it was supposed to be.  It was certainly stupid, though.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 51

He yelled into his ear then fired the laser. He then picked up his body and threw it out the window.

“FINALLY!  Gah, took you long enough.  I could have killed half the people in the building while you were toying with the president!”

Down below were the imperialists watching their leader over power the last prominent power in the world.

Right, aside from the IN, Buster’s group of undisclosed size, and other big countries like China and Japan that have escaped mention.

KaNar looked out the window and yelled “The time has come! Remove these American pigs and rejoin our friends in the heavens!!” KaNar looked upon his people and with the snapping of his fingers, they used any kind of firearm to get through the police barricades surrounding the White House.

“The Plot Contrivance Corperation, makers of  the wildly popular Somekind® Laser, now present their new line of weapons: Anykind ®  Firearms!  Yes, when you need just the right assortment of generic, indescribable weapons, the PCC is here to provide!”

Since when did you become the spokeswoman for the PCC?

“Since they started paying me six figures to push their stuff.”

The police were quickly surpassed with in a few hours of fighting.

I wouldn’t call that particularly quick.

The war was over for the old remnants of the Galactic Empire on earth so they stormed the White House and broke into the US Archives to reveal a vast fleet of ships.

What.  THE.  FUCK!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 52

“Oh, by the way, the US has a huge fleet of ships they couldn’t bother to use when fighting their war against the imperials.”

*Swenia shakes the fic*

“HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE THIS STUPID!?”

You totally owe me and the raptors.

“Yeah, yeah.  I’ll have gumdrop bake you a pie or something.”

Tell him to go easy on the Pteranodon, I’m trying to cut back.

Among the small little ships in the back was a window.

Why would you put a window in the top secret building that’s hiding your space fleet?

“Maybe it’s just sitting there.  You know, just a spare window in case they need one.”

Beyond that window was a large ship that looked like an arrow head with a large top with two balls on either end.

*Snerk* “Ehehehehehee!”

Real mature.

The engines were three large turbines on the rear of it.

I’m guessing this is supposed to be an imperial star destroyer, but it’s so poorly described that it could be any ship that has a big pair of testicles hanging off it.

As the people looked through the window, KaNar walked down a large arm connection hallway to one of the entrances of the ship.

He got inside and looked upon the old ship thoroughly and then reactivated the power source with in it.

Seriously, though, why didn’t president goofy use these when he had the opportunity?  Why bury them in the archives and then just hang doing nothing out until your country crumbles?

He picked up a microphone and spoke. “Women and children are to be in this ship while men are to use the smaller ships. I told ya people that we weren’t meant to be here!” He yelled as he opened some large doors on the ship.

Well, yeah.  You’re in a restricted area without permission.  That’s the very definition of not meant to be there.

The men separated from the women and children and pushed them selves into the smaller ships. A large door to the side of the window opened and an arm like hallway appeared for the women and children to use.

I like how there’s no scale to any of the factions in this fiction.  The only thing we know for sure is that the IN has at least one huge city capable of housing around 26 million people.  Beyond that, everything is rather blobular in size.

And thus was the Galactic Empire was in power once again, and the Sith Lord, KaNar Gardon as it’s Emperor.

“Worst coming to power story.  Ever.”

Especially since they only have control of one country on one planet.  At the height of its power, the Galactic Empire controlled just over 69 MILLION worlds with an overall fleet of several billion ships.  During the rebellion,   This little sliver of a remnant controlls 1/8th of a planet and has a fleet that can’t number more than a few dozen ships.  Yeah, I’d certainly call that ‘back in power.’

You know what, this is so idiotic that it counts.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 53

Outlands

I’m filled with a mix of relief that we finally ended the previous scene and deep, deep foreboding.

Buster knew something was not right when he was sitting in his chair just waiting for his supper to arrive from the Galilee.

Why would you order takeout from Galilee, Isreal?  Not knocking their food, but it’s never going to stay warm on the flight over to Africa.

“I wonder why I feel so strange today? It fells like there is disturbance in my life right at this point. Maybe these medallions I wear have something to do with it? Nah! Zira gave them to me. Or maybe those powers my father and his ancestors powers, being a Jedi or some kind of crap like that” Buster said looking out his window.

“Did I forget to tell you that all us lions are force users descended from the Jedi?”

Wait, how the fuck does that work?

“Well, long ago, when a Dormaalocyon latouri and a Jedi loved each other very-”

LA LA LA!  NOT LISTENING!

“Sire, I could not help my self, but you just said that your ancestors were Jedi?” an old lion asked sitting in one of the guest chairs.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 54

I honestly have no idea how anyone could look at this plotline and see something other than a train-wreck of total, unmitigated suck.  Let alone write it and then be brave enough to post it online.

“Didn’t you say he has a Sonic the Hedgehog fic up on the net somewhere, too?”

The Gods grant me strength, yes he does.

“Holly snakes! Were did you come from” Buster asked.

“With the PCC’s extensive product line of wizened old men you can pick the right aged sage for any occasion!  Order now and get spontaneous delivery right when your plot needs it most!”

“I’ve lived here so long I don’t even know” He said.

The hell does that even mean?

“Dude, ease up.  That guy is so generically old that he probably don’t even know where he is right now.”

 “Oh and yes, my ancestors were Jedi, what’s that to you?” Buster asked again.

Well, sonny, I just happened to be a wizard!  Now tell me where the bathroom is or I’ll turn your desk into a rhinoceros kidney.

 “I’m a Jedi just as you are and I have come to warn you that there is a disturbance in the force” He said while looking at Buster.

“If Buster is already a Jedi, then the universe is in a lot more trouble than I thought it was.”

We may need to get Crunchy in here to… wait, didn’t you say you were a force user?

“Yes, and don’t worry, Crunchy already pitched me the line.  Honestly, I’m a single mother, what kind of time does he think I have that I’d be able to pursue evil?”

“The what? Force?” Buster asked very confused.

So the fact that you’re descended from jedi somehow got passed down the line of succession, but they couldn’t include the most basic of core tenants that the Jedi were based on?

“Well, this is Buster, even if that information was being passed down, he probably slept through the lectures.”

Hmm, fair enough.

“It surrounds every thing every where and we who have the higher midicarbons in our blood know that there is a higher power than any thing we have come to know” he said still looking at Buster.

*Facepalm*

Two canon things in one sentence, and both wrong.  Hell, one of them is absolutely core to the entire Star Wars mythos, and you got it wrong.

I just… seriously Vic?  You had one job when introducing Star Wars canon.  One flipping job.  And you couldn’t even spell midi-chlorians correctly.  The stupidest, most contrived part of the Force canon, the very part that Lucas tried to fold in as a way to achieve scientific legitimacy, and you didn’t even come close to spelling it correctly.

“Now I’m very damn confused here. Midi what’s now and just what are you talking about!?” Buster snapped as he got up out of his chair.

“Good thing the little old man didn’t catch Buster when he was drunk.  He would already be raging out on the old man’s corpse were that the case.”

“There is a good side of the force which the members of our called Jedi and there is of course a dark side with it’s members know as the Sith.

*GONG*

It’s a LIGHT side and a dark side.  Either side is not explicitly good or evil by itself, it just tends to bring out those aspects of the force user.  However, there are good people who use the darkside of the force.  They are rare, but they do exist.  Jolee Bindo is a good example of one.

And now brace yourselves, everyone, here is the absolute stupidest moment of the entire fic right here:

You are a Jedi Buster Tiberious and so am I. KaNar Gardon is not however. He seeks to end the Jedi even though years have passed since the Jedi have almost completely killed the Sith into extinction. But the Sith still thrive. KaNar is your true enemy, not these mindless International Nazi bastards. They pose no threat to us. They are weak. They conquered by KaNar years ago” Buster looked the old lion in the eyes and he could feel that there was truth coming from the lips from this elderly lion.

It’s stupid for so, so many reasons.  I’m going to tackle the big one, though, because it’s huge.

I’ve mentioned, several times, that Buster is the epitome of an inaction hero.  He does jack shit and the plot is just served up to him without any action of agency on his part.  Well, this is the largest plate he’s been served.  Not ONLY is he getting full Jedi status without any kind of effort or action on his part, but nameless elderly lion also filled buster in on the hidden relationship between the Galactic Empire and the IN.  Instead of having to find all that out for himself, it’s just handed to him.  Not only that, but he’s just been handed a nemesis, too.  No discovery, no effort, just: ‘Oh by the way there’s this evil galactic organization ruled by this evil dude.  They’re behind everything.  Also, you’re like a superhero and you have to go after that guy.’

This is just so fucking lazy it boggles the mind.

On top of ALL of that, why in the name of crap would you say the IN isn’t a problem IF THEY’RE BEING CONTROLLED BY THE SITH!?  That means the IN has the backing of an organization that may or may not have near limitless resources as well as a bunch of highly-trained force users who can shoot lightning out of their hands.  Buster has one city, two if you count what’s left of the wolves, and a bunch of incompetent officers who can’t seem to find the proper place or time to whip their penises out for a sexual romp.  I’d call that a big fucking problem.

“When was young, my father used to tell me bed time stories of his ancestors fighting with such weapons he liked to call lightsabers.

“Which had to be weird for a lion cub growing up in the wilds of Madagascar.”

You know, I’m starting to think that there are certain flaws to this story.

 Is that part of being a Jedi, using this so called lightsaber?”

So wait, the existence of the lightsaber made it into your father’s story, but not the Force?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 55

The old lion looked up into Buster’s eyes with tears in his eyes. “Yes, Buster Tiberious, son of a Jedi Master” the old lion said.

What.  THE. FUCK!?

His father, a lion inexplicably living in Madagascar, was somehow a Jedi MASTER!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 56

This fic can’t possibly be this stupid, can it?  I’m obviously hallucinating or something, right?

“Now I know who you are! You’re my great Uncle JoRan!” Buster asked enthusiastically.

“You’ve seen it here, folks!  Yet another satisfied customer of the the PCC’s wizened old men line of products.  Purchase your very own wizened old man and for a limited time the PCC will throw in a complimentary UBUI!”

Actually, I might get in on some of that action.  I’ve got a new ninja/Jedi/prince/squad leader character who needs both a mentor and a source of exposition…

 “Yes, I have come I long way to find you, and now that I have found, you. I shall train you to be a Jedi” JoRan said as he got up.

*GONG*

“You just said he already was a Jedi, you senile old dolt!  And what qualities do you see in Buster that indicate he’ll be anything OTHER than an immediate Sith convert!?”

It strikes me that Buster is too lazy to really do anything.  Maybe Joran here figures Buster will see the Dark Side as not really worth the effort.

Buster felt a little bit stupid

“Good.  It would be really disheartening for you to be so overwhelmingly stupid without at least feeling it at a little bit.”

Buster felt a little bit stupid follow this old, very old lion to the forest but he knew he finally could shed some light on his families past with his great Uncle JoRan to help him. “Now here is a good place to begin your training.

All right, patrons, here’s a little game:  See how many things you can find wrong with that passage.  The one with the most wins a full bucket of internets.

So JoRan, Jedi Master and Uncle to Buster, began to train buster to be a Jedi.

The fic is going to gloss over the training, isn’t it?  It’s just gonna happen off-screen and we’ll get to see Buster as a full fledged super-Jedi after it’s all done, isn’t it?

 JoRan taught Buster there is now end to the Force and it would help Buster through many tribulations he’ll encounter in the future and his first was the maniacal KaNar Gardon.

*Swenia pats Taco’s shoulder*

“If it helps, none of us are happy about it when you’re right about these things.”

Buster quickly began to do things he never had any idea he was capable of doing.

“So, things like taking action, showing initiative, and apologizing to his citizens regarding his many abuses of power?”

How about becoming genuinely likable, showing a regard for others, or reigning in his racist and chauvinistic tendencies?

He moved a rock high up into a bird’s nest with out touching it.

So, you set a rock down into a bird’s nest that could potentially have fragile eggs in it?

“Dick move, bro.”

He knocked over his uncle and apologized to him right after that he force him to the ground with out any physical effort on his part.

“Toppling the elderly, check.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to apologize Buster, I know your beginning to have a feel for our ancient power and I know you have the abilities and skills to help better our race from the Sith. The only thing that concerns me is that the Sith Lord Darth Maul had a son and that son escaped the down fall of the Galactic Empire’s fall with the end of another Sith Lord Emperor Palpatine. And over the many hundreds of years that son’s offspring had propagated and prospered here on this earth. Our race thought we had made the Sith a dead race, but there could be as many as 5 million Sith Knights and Sith Lords here on earth. We are a few may be 10-30 at the most against these Dark members of the Sith” JoRan said.

*Taco pants, trying to catch his breath*

Sweet Armor Jesus, old man, pause for air once in a while!

So, you thought you had eradicated the Sith… but their numbers may be upwards of 5 million?  Wow, Buster is descended from a long, proud line of woefully incompetent Jedi who liked to have sex with animals rather than deal with the sith problem.

“Suddenly it all makes sense.”

It does, doesn’t it?

Buster looked up at him from trying to move a twig and sat more confused on the ground.

Twig, but… you just moved a rock.  Maybe you should be stepping UP the difficulty.

“Well, he was directly trying to harm something with the rock.  Now He’s trying to use his powers without any direct goal of douchbaggery in mind.”

Ahh, yeah, much harder.

“What? You mean there are at the most 10-30 of our race left and the Sith have prospered to 5 million or more!? Fuck!” Buster yelled with his head in his hands.

That’s a fair reaction.  You’re outnumbered over 500,000 to 1 by people a LOT more competent than you.  Screwed any way you look at it.

“Well, except that he’s a raging Blackhole-Stu.”

Yeah, those 5 million Sith don’t stand a chance, do they?”

JoRan then smacked Buster over the head. “We may be few and pitiless against them but cussing out of confusion to our poor size is no way to act!

*Highfives JoRan*

About time somebody smacked him!  I’ll even forgive your misuse of pitiless because you hit him.

“Hit him again!”

We have been here in the cosmos far longer than any other races.

Lions?  Hate to break it to you, but not even close.  But nice try.

Long before the pitiless earth was even created which means long before any kinds of life form walked this earth or any other planet. The same is for the dark agents of the Sith”

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“You mean there are other civilizations out there?” Buster asked pointing to the star filled night.

Yeah, he’s just not getting it.  Swenia, break out the learning hammer.

“Yes. We come from a planet called Tatoonie many years ago. Our fore fathers were human at that time but were subjected to high levels of thermal radiation on this planet as this planet was in the primitive times as the rest of the universe was practically thousands of years ahead of the human race here.

Uh… hate to break it to you, Vic, but high levels of THERMAL radiation causes you to catch fire and possibly melt.  It does not cause mutation.  Now, ionizing radiation, that can do screwy things with DNA.  Generally it also kills you, but the radiation trope can be halfway believable… if you use the right fucking kind of radiation, moron.

“Wait, so how did they cross the massive distance between Tatooine and Earth?  Wasn’t Tatooine in like a far-off GALAXY?  As in not the Milky Way?”

I refer you to the Blue diagram.

As a result, we were caged up like little animals and were subjected to more radiation and any kind of DNA introduced to our bodies made us change.

So, a primitive species of humans managed to cage up a group of aliens who arrived in a space ship.  These same aliens were probably armed with blasters and/or lightsabers.  You know since they were Jedi and all.  And yet, the primitive ape-men still won the battle and caged you up.

“Our theory about the ineptitude of the Jedi migrants is holding up pretty well, isn’t it?”

Eerily well.

Your Father and Mother wanted me to live to see the day I could train you as I did your father. Your father was a Jedi Master at the time of his death. And has remained a Jedi even though he is long dead and forgotten.  Same as your mother.

I was trying to figure out how this whole quadruped Jedi thing worked, and then I remembered that Dex-Starr was a thing.

“Makes it hard to hold the lightsaber, I’ll give ya that.”

It was their dying wish that I train you and I thought that would never happen as those Russians or what ever that hell they are took you from them screaming for them. I spent my time following many years and now that I felt the disturbance in the force just a while ago, a lot like what you had. I took this time to train you”

“Thank you Captain Exposition.  Now, let’s hear what Colonel Montage has to say.”

Don’t give Vic any ideas.

Buster looked into his paws. “We were Human? What was that disturbance about any way?” Buster asked.

I’d give Vic more credit for making this humanity thing go full circle, but the whole premise is just so stupid that I just can’t.  Especially after that whole “thermal radiation” thing.

“Well KaNar Gardon has made this planet his realm. He killed the last human prominent power, President Mark Hamill” JoRan said as he looked into the sky.

*GONG*

Naming the president Mark Hamill was among the many, many, MANY stupid choices you made when writing this fic.

“Look boy, those lights and other things there” Buster looked up.

“Whoa, slow down, old man.  Don’t get all technical on us like that!”

“What are they?” Buster asked. “It’s the Galactic Empire, KaNar’s Empire of deadly Sith Knights and Lords.

“Wait, he’s got a whole EMPIRE he’s supposed to be attending to right now?  For crap’s sake man, delegate some fucking authority!”

I wonder if there is any hope of you becoming the Jedi Master your father said you would be.

Nope.

“You’d have a better chance trying to redeem KaNar back to the Jedi Order at this point.”

Time will tell with lots of training and courage.

Yeah… about that.  One of those things is a lot of work, and the other is a trait Buster really doesn’t have.

“Maybe we should send one of these chairs in there to fight KaNar.”

Now back to your training young Buster” JoRan slowly said as he placed his left paw over his cane.

“Young?  Wasn’t he in like his 50s?”

When you’re as generically old as JoRan is, everybody is young.

“Hmm, fair point.”

And with that, the middle part of chapter sixteen comes to a close.  I’m sure you’re all really thrilled that we finally got some Star Wars up in this thing.

“I am beside myself with revulsion.”

Until next week, Patrons!


93 Comments on “854: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He asked while a man in a black suite was standing at the window looking outside.

    Well, Jean-Baptiste Lully, I knew you were into some stuff that wasn’t really accepted at the time, but that? Jesus Christ…

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It is also impossible for another group to… WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! How in the name of fuck did the IN get to be a world power with a city twice the size of the world’s largest without the US finding out about it!? Hell, everyone on the planet should know about them!”

    Because stupid, Swenia. Because stupid.

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This thing is just going nowhere slowly.

    Seriously, not even Homura Afterstory takes this long to get anything done…

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    No, my name is KaNar Gardon, supreme leader of the Imperialists” He said slowly.

    KaNar Gardon?

    *snerk*

    That may be the only thing that could possibly unseat Alk’drn as the worst name I’ve ever read in a fic, period.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That was one hell of a spell- WAIT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHTSABER! We finally have some Star Wars up in this pile.

    Wait, what!?

    So we finally get Star Wars in this pile of shit, and it’s not made explicit that it’s Star Wars? Not only that, but it just came right the fuck out of nowhere, too! What the shit!?

  6. leobracer says:

    And so we finally get to the Star Wars bits of this glorious piece of ass.

    *Shoots the hell out of some dummies with the Thunderlord*

    You know, even though the fic, ‘War, Peace, and Othe Galactic Customs’, hasn’t reached the Mass Effect parts of it yet, its still an enjoyable read. Unlike this worthless trash, which has been nothing, but blatant racism, sexism, forced labor, and inconsistant parenting nearly the whole goddamned time!

    The only good thing about this garbage is that it remains incompleted!

    *Reloads the Thunderlord*

    Now if you’ll excusee, I need to escort my siblings to school.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Nighty night, Mark Hamill president of the United States!”

    What!?

    *headdesk*

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The war was over for the old remnants of the Galactic Empire on earth so they stormed the White House and broke into the US Archives to reveal a vast fleet of ships.

    *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

    Victor, what the shit is this? You had all these elements hiding around in the back of your fic, and you didn’t think to establish this at any point before now? No, you had to go on making your heroes completely unlikable douchebags, and you thought it was a better idea to do that instead of, you know, establishing this shit!

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

    Priorities, Vic! Get them straight!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Holly snakes!

    *snerk*

    I have seen Engrish in anime that is more grammatically correct than this!

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I just… seriously Vic? You had one job when introducing Star Wars canon. One flipping job. And you couldn’t even spell midi-chlorians correctly.

    Are you really that surprised?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    When was young, my father used to tell me bed time stories of his ancestors fighting with such weapons he liked to call lightsabers.

    And you know, this is another problem here: didn’t this fic establish itself to be placed within a version of the real world at some point or another? So what the fuck are all these Star Wars elements doing here? I just…

    *headdesk*

    Holy God, and I thought everything leading up to this chapter was stupid as fuck…

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Buster felt a little bit stupid follow this old, very old lion to the forest but he knew he finally could shed some light on his families past with his great Uncle JoRan to help him. “Now here is a good place to begin your training.

    All right, patrons, here’s a little game: See how many things you can find wrong with that passage. The one with the most wins a full bucket of internets.

    Okay, let’s see…

    1) The grammar is all wonky.
    2) Shed some light on his family’s past? How the fuck are they gonna do that out in the middle of a forest?
    3) JoRan is a stupid name. Not as stupid as KaNar, but there you have it.
    4) Begin your training? Is he a Jedi already or not? Make up your damn mind!
    5) WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THIS FOREST FROM!?

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    And over the many hundreds of years that son’s offspring had propagated and prospered here on this earth. Our race thought we had made the Sith a dead race, but there could be as many as 5 million Sith Knights and Sith Lords here on earth. We are a few may be 10-30 at the most against these Dark members of the Sith” JoRan said.

    If this hadn’t been confirmed by, oh, I dunno, just about everything else in this stupid piece of shit, I would say this fic ran on a second order idiot plot…

  14. Like a bass boat, but in space.

    The space program would probably be a lot more popular if satellites came with metal-flake paint jobs and had comically over-powered engines strapped to them.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    I hope you’ll forgive me for the lack of a newsgrab this time, given that pretty much the whole rest of the ‘fic doesn’t take place on Earth

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Women and children are to be in this ship while men are to use the smaller shipsAnd the Imperialists continue to display this weird sexism where they segregate people, then do essentially the same thing with both groups.

    Honestly, in this ‘fic I’ll take what I can get.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    The president looked at the guard cradling his arm as he his hand and gun were in the floor.

    Wait, the guard is now in the floor? That’s not a lightsaber, that’s a freaking tele-frag!

  18. … it’s just that I like to watch from this hidden window down upon those Imperialists …

    I don’t think that’s how windows work, Sparky.

  19. …he looked down at his waist and carefully uncovered a rod that was neatly secured and concealed in a sheathe of cloth…

    :covers eyes: Dude! There are hypothetical children present!

  20. He was his most trusted military General, Mr. Valekahn.

    Pretty sure if he was a general you would have been calling him Gen. Valekahn instead of Mr. Valekahn.

  21. The Crowbar says:

    This guy is like Doctor Betruger and Nightmare Moon in the same body…

    • The Crowbar says:

      “Death” KaNar said in a sinister laugh.

      This guy, I meant. Something ate my paste…

      • TacoMagic says:

        I blame Crunchy. Because he’s not here.

        *Taco turns slowly to find crunchy staring at him from about an inch away*

        “Hello there.”

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Rotates Crunchy’s head towards himself with an audible creak*

        Hi.

        Long time no see!

        • TacoMagic says:

          Audible Creak?

          *Sigh* Did I miss Crunchy’s maintenance again?

          *Checks calendar*

          Yup, was supposed to make sure he had a lube and a spark-plug change back in August. DARKWRAITHS! Get the jack-stands and meet me in the med bay!

    • infinity421 says:

      Trust me, you don’t want that, because sooner or later, that body is going to turn into the goddamn Maledict.

      • The Crowbar says:

        And then there’s gonna be even MORE cackling and mad monologuing, only this time he/she/it won’t have the chance of looking relatively attractive anymore.

        Every time I watch MLP and see Nightmare Moon, I want to throw a half-eaten burger at her and yell at her to get it the hell over with already.

        …Same with Betruger.

  22. KaNar placed the President down on his feet and place the laser pistol to his head. “Nighty night, Mark Hamill president of the United States!”

    :snerk:

    Seriously? It’s not even Luke Skywalker, but the actor who portrayed him? Is the First Lady going to be Carrie Fisher? Also;

    :THWACK!:

    That’s for killing my favorite Joker!

    • The Crowbar says:

      Wait… The guy who played Luke also played Joker at some point?

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yeah. Mark Hammill voiced the Joker in Batman: The Animated Series. He also voiced the Joker in Arkham Asylum and Arkham City. It’s like one of his other well-known roles.

        Yeah, Mark Hammill has had a pretty active career in voice acting in his post-Star Wars days, dude.

      • In Batman: The Animated Series and the Arkham video games. He’s awesome. Get a load of his Joker Laugh;

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m not really a fan of Mark Hamill as an actor, but I will freely admit that he absolutely nailed the Joker. Easily my favorite version.

      • And he wasn’t initially considered for the role because Tim Curry was going to play the Joker; Mark Hamill played a one-shot villain in the episode Heart of Ice and managed to talk them into giving him an audition for the Joker after Curry dropped out of the role.

    • Silky says:

      “Nighty night, Mark Hamill president of the United States!”

      This is now my favorite line ever. It legitimately sounds like something a deeply delusional person would say, and the fact that he yelled it makes it even better.

  23. Holly snakes!

    That just makes me giggle for some reason. I keep humming to myself “Deck the halls with boughs of holly snakes!”

  24. AdmiralSakai says:

    And Germany isn’t even capable of space exploration” Mr. Valekahn said looking at the window.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Aerospace_Center

    Ahem.


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