848: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part One

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welp, now we’re in for it; the behemouth chapter starts this week and it’s such a train-wreck of fail that you’ll all be chugging brain bleach by the vat once we’re finally done.

“You make it sound so good.”

Once again I managed to snag Swenia for some assistance.  How’s Jiwe?

“Still a baby.  I convinced Eliza to baby-sit so I could take a break.  Unfortunately that’s when you found me and dragged me in here.”

Misery loves company, which is fitting given what we’re in for.

“Goody.”

Let’s see, last time we finished up with the attack on Arin’s base which decimated his lines to the point of collapse.  Eventually, Arin ordered his tanks into the battle. Said tanks steamrolled the enemy without any losses, essentially making all the dead soldiers the result of Arin’s shoddy leadership.  At the very end of the chapter Arin and Ursula wax “haz teh sadz” for a while over a random dead soldier.  And rightly so, because his death was their fault.  That leads us into chapter sixteen.

Chapter 16

Buster the Jedi Knight

Outlands

*Snerk*

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heh, whew.  Man, that’s a good one.  I often ribbed Jedi421 that Markus was totally Sith-bait, but compared to Buster, Markus was Luminara Unduli.

“I suppose this means we are finally going to see those Star Wars references that Vic has been threatening the audience with.  You’ll forgive me if I do not feel particularly privileged to be part of this.”

Buster was now working on making an offensive attack on the INers that attacked Arin’s pack while Zira was feeding Sereina in the chair in front of his desk.

“So that’s what happened to the reinforcements.  He decided to hold them back for a sneak-attack after they had weakened themselves killing all of Arin’s troops.  That diabolical bastard.”

I find it more likely that Vic totally forgot that there were supposed to be reinforcements.

“Okay, yeah, that does seem more likely.”

Also, is this really the best place to be feeding the cub?  I’m all for breastfeeding wherever the hell you want to, but following your husband to work just so you can use his office for howdy-booby-time seems a little out-there.

He then noticed that Zira was having problems with Sereina. “Is there any thing wrong dear?” Buster asked as he put his pen down. “She won’t drink any of my milk” Zira said in a low voice.

Uh, since there’s no scene building going on here, is this actually a problem?  Maybe Sereina isn’t hungry.  Babies are occasionally not totally ravenous for food and would rather stare at colorful things for a while.

“Ah, just giver some of that milk in the fridge there, Zira” Buster said picking up his pen. “She won’t even drink that either” Zira said while Lifting Sereina off of her lap.

Dudes, even if the baby is crying it doesn’t mean she wants to eat.  Could be a nap, gas, or just general anger that the whole “moving around” thing hasn’t happened yet.  Why is this suddenly a problem?  Babies can be a huge ball of grumpy for apparently no reason and feeding isn’t alway the solution.

“Now you tell me.”

“That’s odd, Dagger drank any thing and every thing” Buster said looking at a resent picture of Dagger that was on his desk.

“It is really no news to me that he resents Kisu.”

Give him time, he’ll resent this child just as much in a few years.

“Buster, could she be ill?” Zira asked while looking at Sereina’s actions to her nipples.

Sure.  Or, just not hungry right now.  Seriously, if this is supposed to be a problem we need an actual build-up!

“‘Actions to Her Nipples’ is another really bad 80’s band.”

Buster then got up and felt Zira’s breasts and then looked at Sereina.

Dude, Is this really the best time to cop a feel?

“Heat.  Season.  Speaking of copping  a feel, back in my academy days I was in unarmed defense class with this… uh…”

Do go on.

“You’re less fun when you don’t overreact.”

I know.

“So, anyway, I was deep in the heat early sophomore year and there was this new recruit who was a humpback whale of all things.  We were doing some after-school drilling for unarmed take-downs and-”

GAH!  DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

Well your full of milk, but Sereina does not seem to be ill or any thing” Buster said putting his paw on Zira’s Shoulder. “I’m scared Buster, she could starve to death if she does not drink any of my milk” Zira said with tears in her eyes.

“Calm down, woman!  If the baby isn’t in any obvious distress, she’s probably just messing around.”

Babies do that?

“When Jiwe is bored and not hungry, he blows raspberries on the nipple instead of eating.”

Charming.

Buster looked down at her and then picked up Sereina. “Now, let’s see if I can see what you want” Buster said looking into Sereina’s eyes.

QUICK!  Makini!  Unleash your mind control powers!

“She has those?”

A man can hope.

Buster walked over to his desk with Sereina scratching him as he took her away from Zira.

Well, now the baby is in distress.

“It is Buster that’s holding her.  That kid just has really good survival instincts.”

“Buster, she’s not used to being plucked away from me” Zira said as she got up.

It’s generally a bad sign when the baby isn’t used to the father picking the child up from the mother.  That tends to suggest a certain level of non-involvement from said father.

“Buster doesn’t do shit in this fic, so why should his parenting style be any different?”

Touché.

Buster just walked over to the desk and put his daughter on it.

Tender.

“Just put Makini in the ‘outgoing’ pile and the problem will solve itself.”

She cried for a while until Buster gave her a bottle of wolf milk.  There, she’s drinking that” Buster said with relief. “What is that milk from?” Zira asked. “Umm it’s imported milk from the United Omega Pack” Buster said as he picked Sereina up again and up her in Zira’s lap.

More to the point: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IMPORTING WOLVEN BREAST MILK!?  CYBER-WOLVEN MILK AT THAT!

“This is all kinds of messed up.  The fact that it’s an import suggests that there is some kind of milking program.  Not to mention there has to be enough product demand on the Lion’s side of the commerce trail.”

You know what, this is just so fucked up that it needs a:

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 48

“Seems like that should be much higher.”

There’s so much dodgey plot going on that it’s hard to pick out what deserves to be counted.

Just as Buster was about to lead Zira out, he got an urgent distress call from Arin.

Wait a minute, if buster is showing her out, what was she doing there in the first place!?

“She foresaw that Buster needed to solve something contrived so that it looked like he actually does anything in this fic.”

Buster closed the door and went to the vid screen. “Yes, what is it Arin” Buster said into the microphone.

“Sorry about the whole ‘forgetting the reinforcements’ thing.  Turns out that I only surround myself with subordinates as incompetent as myself.”

I’m guessing professor X was too busy having sex in his office to actually order the troop deployment.

Then a statically damaged transmission came to life on the vid screen. “King Buster, we need urgent assistance in a problem here! We have Renegade Members running amuck and INers attacking from North, South and east! They are devouring every thing!” Arin yelled through the static.

Didn’t we already see this?

“Arin actually means it this time.  Either that, or chapter 15 was the rough draft for this one.”

Greeeeeat.

 “Now hold on here! Renegade Members?” Buster asked as he looked at his boarder intrusion system underneath the vid screen.

Yeah, it turns out that Arin is every bit as pathetic a leader as you are, bucko.

“I wouldn’t go that far.  Arin is still slightly better in my book.”

In that he didn’t actually assault you while you were pregnant, and Buster did.

“Among other things, yes.”

“The computerized wolves who were banished for miss use of their powers and for the mass production of weapons of mass destruction” Arin said as he seemed to look to the right of him.

So, either Arin is lying about that, which, fair enough, it’s generally a good idea to disavow a connection to the WMD programs that you personally spearhead (as we were shown in chapter thirteen), just in case it comes back to bite you in the ass.

“Which in this case, it has.”

Right, so either that, OR Vic forgot the part he wrote last chapter where these goons were supposedly kicked out by Arin because they weren’t the latest model, which had nothing to with any kind of power abuse.

“Something that Arin would also probably lie about since banishing cyborgs just because they’re 3 years out of date is a stupid thing to do in the first place.”

Buster, you really know how to pick  your allies.

“I’m starting to think that Vic originally wrote Arin to be a villian, and then changed his mind a few chapters later.”

Shame that he didn’t also change the fic to reflect that.

“I thought I had removed the threat of them resurfacing 2 years ago, but they have resurfaced with a lethal allegiance to the INers. God help me, what have I done!?” Arin said in a low voice as he pulled a she-wolf close to him.

You have wrought the doom of your people with your own incompetence.  Way to go, Skippy.

“If only Buster was that far along in causing his alliance to collapse.”

Ursula?” Buster asked squinting his eyes through the static. “Yes it’s me, Buster” Ursula said looking into Arin’s eyes. “And now, the Renegades have removed their limbs in place are high-powered weapons and guns” Arin said again, lightly kissing Ursula’s right cheek.

“Which was a stupid move on their part, since arms and hands are far more universally useful than just weapons.”

I suppose you can’t expect too much out of wolves constructed with Amiga 500s.

“Ok, I need you to send some military assistance” Arin said still holding onto Ursula.

You know, and actually do it this time.

“Sure” Buster said through the static.

“Yeah, he’ll get right on that.  After the nap.  And maybe some sex in a random place.”

After that, Buster had turned off his vid screen console. Arin took Ursula to the large window in the main administration conference room. “Look, Ursula. Our home. Our freedom. Our lively hood. Is at stake” Arin said with some tears in his eyes.

Didn’t you already win this battle?  And what about the tanks?  They totally steamrolled the cyber-zombies last chapter, why are you assuming that they can’t do it again?  What the heck is going on here!?

Ursula looked over at her new mate and with tears in her eyes as well. “Are we going to win?” Ursula asked.

“Yes?  I’m sure you’ll take tons of ground-troop losses while they wait for you to order the tanks to help out, but you’ll win eventually; once the melodrama has reached a high-enough point.”

“I don’t know, I hope so, but it seems like an impossible feat to eliminate the Renegades calling them selves Premium High Octane.

Right, aside from the fact that a push with only 1,200 troops followed by tanks totally overwhelmed the PHO.

“Isn’t that a kind of soup?”

Sorta, it’s actually the name of the rice noodles that are in the soup, but close enough.

“Should we call them the Soup Alliance?”

I was kinda planning on it, yes.

At least our littler won’t be born into a war harden family” Arin said looking own at Ursula. “Huh?” Ursula said in response. “Won’t be born into a war harden family?” She asked.

That’s pretty true actually.  Odds are you Arin isn’t going to get anywhere near war-hardened status by spending the battles having sex and napping instead of actually helping.

“Staying away from the battle might actually be more help anyway.”

 “I’m leaving and so are you” he said as he looked over at the wall.

“When the going gets tough, the tough abandon ship and let the suckers take the fall for him.”

Words to live by.

“What! Leave our home?!” Ursula yelled at him. “We are not leaving our land, it’s just that we and some select members are going to leave this area to go to the Mountain Top City on Mt. Lonely. There you will have our litter and raise them” Arin said handing a map of the Mt. Lonely City.

It’s not really leaving if all the important people run away together.

“Mount Lonely?  I don’t think that’s actually a place.  But let me check my map.”

*Swenia pulls out a large blank piece of paper labeled ‘The Void.’*

“My mistake, here it is: ‘Sindarin Erebor’, or ‘Lonely Mountain’ in the common tongue.  I would never have thought to look in Middle Earth if I didn’t have this nice map.”

“I love you, Arin. I could have never asked for another wolf as sweet as you” Ursula slowly cried and leaned up against Arin.

Don’t forget insane, lazy, and useless.

“Plus cowardly, short sighted, and elitist.”

Mountain Top City/ Mt. Lonely

Meanwhile at the hideout of the aristocracy…

After a few hours, of preparations, the city officials were in the United Omega Intelligence Corps conference room.

It appears that the serfs are upset about us abandoning them to their fate with the city.  They’ve revolted and joined the IN.

“Ungrateful scum!”

Each member was assigned a sector of the city that was under his jurisdiction and power.

They royals are carving out huge swaths of empty city to call their own.  If only there was something more important for them to be doing.

A member was expected to complete series of law enforcement methods made and issued by the oZirall city official.

Once again, my find and replace all Vera -> Zira theory holds true.

“You must be so proud.”

I think the feeling is closer to depression.

A member was expected to complete series of law enforcement methods made and issued by the oZirall city official. His name is Jacter Keltin, The mayor of the MT City.

I’m sure this information will be critically important very soon.  Certainly enough to derail the war for.

“I did a search, that name never appears again.”

Pretty much what I expected.

Arin was holding onto Ursula as the clunky old chopper made it’s way up the 800-meter mountain.

“That’s a pretty lame mountain.”

Yeah, not much more than a big hill, really.  Certainly not big enough to merit naming.  I’ll just add “mountains” to the list of things that Vic isn’t good at.

As the pilots maneuvered the chopper through fog and cloud, Arin was stroking Ursula’s stomach.

*GONG*

“Back the fuck off, creeper!”

Subtle foreshadowing is subtle.

Anyway, we get into a pretty boring scene where Arin and Ursula share some bland and stilted dialogue and then Arin gets them something to eat.  It’s immensely pointless so I’m skipping it all.  Then…

Outlands

Great, more Buster.  Just what we needed.

After a successful victory over The INers in a part of their own country, Buster was watching through his vid screen in the O.S.S. Operations room, his Military win.

Holy crap is that an awkward sentence!

Anyway, it’s best that we keep these battles happening off-screen.  The audience wouldn’t want to be troubled with something so tiresome as a battle.

“Especially not with all the gripping romance going on.”

He then looked closer at the vid screen and saw more INers in the distance, but could not tell if they were INers or the INer Renegades.

So we’re now back to there being 2 IN factions?

Actually, you know what, I just realized I don’t care anymore.  Even if the IN was directly responsible for slaughtering a building full of non-combatants, they’re still morally superior to every other faction in this turd.

So he got up and walked over to where PX and Alicia were kissing.

For fuck’s sake!  Can you focus on the goddamn war for 15 minutes Professor!?   And really, making out in front of Alicia’s brother-in-law?  Is there any way that is not totally creepy?

“The heat can strike pretty much anywh-”

Nope.

Buster then got him up from his huge leathery chair and took him into his office.

“I hope this is to dress down his subordinate for inappropriate and disruptive behavior while he should be working.”

That might be too much to ask, but it would involve Buster being a hypocrite, so I’ll maintain hope.

PX sat down at his desk then looked at Buster. Buster sat down in the guest chair and spoke. “It’s time we begin to ponder the vastness of space my friend” Buster started.

Spit_take

WHAT!?

“Huh?” PX asked with a funny face.

“That is the appropriate reaction.  As is jumping across the desk and punching him in the face.”

 “Can you have a spacecraft manufactured?” Buster asked looking out the sunroof into the stars above him.

The fuck are you on about, Buster!?  Can this maybe wait until you’ve dealt with the massive war with the overwhelming opponent that you’re dealing with right now?

PX looked up at the window as well and had a large smirk on his face. “Yes my lord, I can have a spacecraft manufactured to your needs. And might I add, many more” PX said as he slowly opened the Top Secret labeled door behind him.

“WHAT! THE! FUCK!?  Professor X is okay with this plan!?”

You’re barely holding off the IN, and you think NOW is the time to develop a space program!?  Not only that, but a space fleet!?

Also, ELIZA!

*GONG*

And?

*Mongongo Pie’d*

Thank you.

“Follow me master, what do you think of these designs?” PX proudly asked as the door opened all the way.

WHAT!?

Buster looked at some of the various drawings on the walls and drawing boards. Then out of the corner of his eye, something caught his attention. He walked over to the drawing on the far end and looked at it. “Now this is more like it!” Buster aloud.

Not only is PX onboard with this plan, but he’s already got the schematics designed!?

*Shakes the fic*

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STU-

*Swenia slaps Taco’s hands off the fic.*

“Leave the poor fic alone.  It’s not the fic’s fault that it’s so stupid.”

“Ah, you likes it?” PX asked wide eyed. “Yes, I do” Buster said. “What is it called?” Buster asked. “I called that one the T-188 Plutonium Powered Transport or just T-188 PPT” PX said as he walked over to Buster. “I like it” Buster said. “I’ll begin construction right away master if you wish” PX asked as he reached for the drawing. “Certainly PX, begin it right away” Buster said. PX took the drawing from Buster’s grasp and saluted him and walked off into another door just beyond all the drawings.

“Wait, why is the head of the intelligence division drafting up spaceship plans?  AND WHY IS HE OVERSEEING THEIR CONSTRUCTION!?  AND WHERE ARE THEY GETTING ALL THIS SPARE MATERIAL IN A TIME OF WAR!?

*Swenia shakes the fic*

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID!?

You know what, this is long overdue:

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 49

Beyond the second door were many computer terminals with many lions seated at them punching in many various things.

They’re working on some Shakespeare.

Screens every were displayed blueprints of all the ships and other things that would concern The OSS Top Secret Corps. PX then stopped at one computer terminal that was empty of its operator. He then sat down in the chair and slapped the T-188 PPT blueprints onto a scanner.

I’m just going to add “drafting” to the long list of things that Vic sucks at.  Vic, FYI, AutoCAD has been a thing since 1982.

“It’s sad that you have to keep telling an IT professional these things.”

Then the blueprint showed up on the screen.  PX then mailed it through the net work to his Construction prepares who then would take the image to the 3D moldiests who then would send a detailed description of the ship to the main factory.

“May as well add “computers”, “scanners, and “email” to the things Vic isn’t good at.”

Vic, seriously, this is just getting really, really sad.

The factory then would place the 3D ship program in their computers to start a completely automated construction assembly line.  Then a prototype of the ship would come out the other end.

This is so tremendously stupid a concept that I can’t even handle it.  They’re building a complete prototype of a ship from a single schematic.  No testing, no individual component development, no engine design, just pump it into a 3D printer and BOOM spaceship.

*GONG*

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING , VIC!?

“This is why it is a poor idea to let your penis make decisions.”

After a few days, Buster got a rude awakening from out side his window in his and Zira’s bedroom. Buster stared with awe in his expression as a ship hovered with out the aid of a propeller or a stabilizer propeller.   The ship was hovering due to large jets of wind being propelled out of three grilled coverings on it’s under side. On the nose was a large cockpit and seated with in it was PX smiling broadly. Buster started to laugh loudly and Zira was awakened and came into the room and nearly dropped Sereina as she saw this menacingly looking ship hovering outside her window. Then it landed on the grass out side and Buster rushed down to greet PX.

*Throws up his hands*

Sure!  Why not!?  If we’re going to be totally bollucking stupid, we may as well develop a ship that can do whatever the fuck it wants!

“The stupid, it hurts.”

PX then got out of his chair and walked down the hallway of the new ship. He got to a large door and pressed a green switch in. The door the clanked and PX pushed it open. “Well now, how about we give this sucker a test drive, master?” PX asked.

Because you would of course ask your leader to participate in the maiden flight of an untested prototype built without any supporting component-level testing.  That just makes good sense.

So, they get in an take off.

“This is it master, our achievement today will better our selves!” PX yelled as he gripped the lever. “Lets do it!” Buster yelled over the massive nose. “5-4-3-2——1!” PX yelled and cranked the lever back full.

“If it’s just the two of you, why the countdown?  And can you actually achieve something before you brag about it?  Need I remind you that most space programs spend a lot of time blowing ships up on the launchpad before they get something that’ll actually lift up into the air?”

The ship then was propelled up ward with extreme speed and velocity that Buster felt that his stomach was left behind him 20 miles behind him.

*ALARM BLARES*

“I’ve got this.”

*Swenia Pulls out a Brimstone Plasma Rifle*

Where the hell did you get that!?

“Ert left the armory unlocked.  You continue on, I have to blow off some steam.”

*Swenia walks off toward the hallway.*

 The large engines afterburners were a bright white/yellow color as the ship was physically speeding through the air at a speed of 1050 mph.

Uh, dude, you obviously don’t understand how afterburners work.  Afterburners directly ignite fuel to increase mass expulsion, thereby increasing speed.  You just said the engines were nuclear powered, which means you just dumped nuclear fallout all over your own house/kingdom.

Way to go sparky.

Also, you’re moving about 24,000 mph slower than you need to be moving if you expect to break into orbit.  You might want to actually start going faster than a 1970s jet fighter.

Buster then blacked out due to the extensive gravity forced upon his body. When he came around, he was faced with the awesome view of space as he slowly tried to get out of his chair.

*facepalm*

Going only 1,000 mph, it would take you over two hours to get into low orbit.  If you were blacked out for that long, you probably would have died, or have extensive brain damage.

Not only that, but YOU WERE GOING A CONSTANT VELOCITY!  You only experience G-force during acceleration.

 Before Buster could undo his buckle, an Outland O.S.S. side arm .9 mm pistol floated into Buster’s face.

YES!  Professor X’s sudden but inevitable betrayal!

DARKWRAITHS!  Popcorn!

*Swenia comes sauntering back in, the muzzle of her rifle still smoking*

“What’d I miss?”

Professor X just betrayed Buster!

“YES!”

*Swenia jumps into her chair*

“What the hell?!” Buster yelled loudly as he watched the heavy pistol float in front of his face.  “No gravity master, this place has a zero gravity level” PX said floating by Buster like he was lying on a bed.

Oh, sorry, false alarm.  It’s just a lack of gravity.

“It’s because of shit like this that I have trust issues, Taco.”

“Wait, did these idiots honestly not secure the cabin before going zero-g!?  They didn’t even bother to secure their weapons!?  What kinds of morons are these!?”

The kind that expect space to have gravity.

“Holy shit! You mean we I can do that too?!” Buster asked unbuckling his seat belt.

Nope, gravity choses who it effects.  It is a wily creature.

Buster then let go of the belt and he slowly lost control of his movements and floated out of his chair.

I don’t think that means what you think it means, Vic.

“Buster is spasming!  Quick, get a wallet under his tongue while I get the defibrillator!”

I’m not sure that’s how you treat-

“I.  Am. Using. The. Defibrillator.”

Right.

After PX had orbited the earth once, they were preparing to go back when in the distance, they saw a massively huge orbital space station.

Gah!

“That really came out of nowhere.  I didn’t even know the ninjas HAD a space station.”

So, at 1,000 MPH in low orbit it would take them… forever to circle the earth.”

“Forever?”

1,000 MPH is way, way below escape velocity, which is also way under orbital velocity.  As soon as they level off to orbit, they’ll plummet right back into the atmosphere.  Here, look at this:

03eb3f7d7ad1cf30ad522c9628980abb

BAMF!

That sucker is the orbital velocity equation.  Basically all you need is the gravitational constant G ( 6.67 × 10-11 m3/s2 kg) the mass of the Earth M (5.972×10^24 kg) the mass of whatever is orbiting (which can be ignored since the shuttle is way, way less massive than the Earth and is therefore negligible) and the radius of orbit.  Assuming they are in low orbit, which is approximately 1,500 km from the surface or 7,871 km from the center of the Earth, you now have all the information you need!  Just pump that all in there and find out how fast they need to be going.

*Swenia growls*

Or I’ll do it for you.  They need to be going 7.12 kilometers per second, or just under 16,000 MPH to maintain a stable orbit.  Since they are going  16 times slower than that, they’ll immediately plummet into the atmosphere.  Actually, at 1,000 MPH they never would have gotten into orbit in the first place, which I might have mentioned.

PX veered the ship in the direction and slowly made their way to see it up close. “What make is it?” Buster asked squinting his eyes as the lights in the cockpit were off.

“That would be a Toyota SkyBlazer.  It’s part of their new line of luxury space stations.”

“Wait, doesn’t Ert have a space station?”

Oh crap!  Ert, Buster is coming your way!

“Good thing there isn’t a douchebag ring.”

Well, there kinda is.  And I wouldn’t put it past Buster to try to take it from Manus.

“Kinda hope he tries, honestly.”

“Um, I don’t know, it’s not human. That I do know. Lets get a little closer to it”

How the fuck do you know that?  You two put together an entire space program with a blueprint, a scanner, a 3D printer, and 3 days of building.   The humans have scientists, 3D drafting programs, industrial-grade manufacturing facilities and several decades as a head start.  In comparison, they should be able to jump between dimensions and time-travel at will.  So who knows what kind of freaky shit they’re putting in orbit.

The ship slowly made it’s way closer to the station and in the light of the sun, the INer symbol appeared as the light from the sun slowly uncovered it.

“Boyaa!  IN beat you clowns into space!  Not only that, but built a space station while they were there!”

“Awe shit!” PX yelled as he powered the cockpit lights back on. “How the hell did they achieve space travel before us!?” Buster yelled.

Uh, the IN has far, far more power, resources, and personnel than you do and it took you all of 3 days to create a space program.  Try to figure it out the mystery without hurting yourself, Buster.

‘What are you doing!?” Buster yelled at PX as he was powering on the lights and engaging the engines. “I’m getting the hell out of here, what do you think I’m doing! Walking right up to em and saying screw you!?” PX yelled as he veered the ship into a huge U-turn.

Hey look, the professor is actually doing something smart.

“Even a blind squirrel can be dinner for a day.”

I’m not sure that’s how it goes.

“It’s an old lion proverb.”

In a large room with many windows and computer screens, sat an old INer officer. “Whatz this, Outlanderz! Here already!” The old lion yelled and pressed a large button on his chair. The lighting in the whole room turned red and an alarm was sounding.

*GONG*

Knock it off with the fakey German accents, Vic!

Buster turned to look back at the station and saw small metal objects being shot from its main hall.

“If you can actually see them coming, then they aren’t really being ‘shot’ are they, sparky.”

“What the fu–….. Lets get the hell out of here!” Buster yelled slamming his fist on the dashboard. “What?!” PX asked then looked into his rear camera fixture display. “Shit! What are those things!?” He yelled. Then as Buster turned to face the station again, the small metal objects appeared to be small ships fitted with many guns and weapons.

It really is gratifying that not only has the IN beat them into space, but they’ve also fortified it.  You go, IN.

“We’re screwed” Buster said looking out the mirror.

“If only that were true.  If there was a Buster death scene, I’d have it tattooed on my ass in celebration.”

“Hey PX! Let me pilot her!” Buster yelled. “Ok master, you have control of the ship, now!” PX yelled.

Right, go ahead and hand the controls over to the guy who has never piloted a spaceship before.  I’m sure that’ll work out just fine.

“It’s not like the professor has had that much practice either.”

True, but at this point he’s still had more than Buster has.  Hell, Buster blacked out during ascent.  He’d be the last person I’d want piloting this thing.

Buster took the controls and dived down into the atmosphere of earth and dodged and swerved all over as to keep a proper reentry angle at which he could reenter and land.

Which caused him to black out again because of the tremendous G-forces that would subject him to.

“And then they died.  The End.”

*BZZT*

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?”

Lyle’s Early Ending Prevention Device.  I think it’s become self aware, actually.

“Can we get a transmission out at this speed?!” Buster asked ramming one of the smaller INer ships.

If not, that would be one hell of a design oversight on the professor’s part.

“Shit! This thing has a new paint job, master, go easy on her! And no we can’t!” PX yelled as pieces of the rammed INer ship hit the windows.

“So much for Professor X’s fleeting moment of competency.”

“Holy, don’t crap your self about it!” Buster then turned the ship into a jet stream and tried to get away from the small INer ships. “S-H-I-T! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” PX yelled as Buster tore through clouds caught in a large jet stream.

*Headdesk*

Your ship can fly in space, but has trouble with the jet stream!?   What did you build it out of, paper mache?

Buster then turned the ship against the jet stream and soared below it at a fast pace. After the ship was slowed down and was hovering over a patch of grass, PX looked at Buster. “You cheap ass! This thing was designed not to go through a high speed jet stream! You could’ve killed me!” PX said as he was trying to slap at Buster.

“Hey asshole, I hate coming in on Buster’s side here, but you were the one who built this thing.  If anyone is the cheapskate guilty of cutting corners, it’s you.”

I’m just trying to fathom how you could possibly build a space-worthy ship capable of atmospheric flight that can’t handle in the jet stream.  I’m not coming up with anything.

“Ugh, don’t have a crap! We’re alive aren’t we?” Buster said switching off the engines.

“Believe me, nobody is sorrier about that than we are.”

“Ah, oops!” Buster said knowing what he had just done. The ship then fell like a rock and hit the ground with a thud.

*Facepalm*

You see what happens when you let Buster Drive!?

PX already had hit his head on the ceiling as Buster jumped out of his seat for the exit. “Yeah ya better run ya piece of shit! Argh! My freagin head hurts like hell!” PX yelled as Buster got out of the ship and ran to his senate building.

Oh, I get it, that was supposed to be funny!

“It was more pathetic than funny.  I hope that’s close enough for Vic.”

Gonna have to be, because I have a feeling pathetic is as close to funny as this fic is going to get.

“Burn.”

Anyway, that’s it for this week!  Join us next week as we find out what Buster does with his new space program!

“Uh, Taco.”

Yes, Swenia?

“There still wasn’t any Star Wars in this part of the chapter.”

Gods dammit!

“Until next week, Patrons!”

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103 Comments on “848: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part One”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Welp, now we’re in for it; the behemouth chapter starts this week and it’s such a train-wreck of fail that you’ll all be chugging brain bleach by the vat once we’re finally done.

    Wait, you mean we weren’t chugging the brain bleach?

    • TacoMagic says:

      You ain’t seen nothing yet.

      Well, crazy plot wise. Buster being a malanthrope has pretty much already happened to the extent it will, really.

      • Is that Taco-ese for ‘misanthrope’?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Misspelling of Malanthrope.

        Misanthrope doesn’t really mean the same thing because of the Latin root. Misanthrope is the distrust or hatred of humanity.

        The mal root implies being evil or bad, so Malanthrope would be “evil or bad person.” Granted, it isn’t a real word in English, but it should be.

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Seriously, if this is supposed to be a problem we need an actual build-up!

    But Taaaacooooo! Buildup is haaaaaaaaaard!

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “I’m scared Buster, she could starve to death if she does not drink any of my milk” Zira said with tears in her eyes.

    Meanwhile, in Japan…

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Which was a stupid move on their part, since arms and hands are far more universally useful than just weapons.”

    Unless you have a Mega Man style canon in your arm, anyway. But I think we all know what the answer to that question is:

    Because Stupid.

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Didn’t you already win this battle?

    I think Victor Tarsus may have whatever it is Dory from Finding Nemo has…

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    it’s just that we and some select members are going to leave this area to go to the Mountain Top City on Mt. Lonely.

    *snerk*

    Mount Lonely? With the Mountain Top City?

    *headdesk*

    It’s still a better name than fucking Alk’drn, but that’s really not saying much in this case.

  7. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It’s time we begin to ponder the vastness of space my friend” Buster started.

    Okay.

    *BAM*

    There’s your vastness of space!

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    He walked over to the drawing on the far end and looked at it. “Now this is more like it!” Buster aloud.

    And why is Buster the one who has final say in how these designs are? Jeez, there’s a reason you go to actual rocket scientists first, dumbass!

    *BAM*

    • He wants to make sure it looks properly badass. Aerodynamics be damned, space is all about appearances, right?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Gods forbid that a raging Stu doesn’t get a badass looking ship. A shame that the badass ship never gets any description, so we just have to imagine how awesome it must be.

      • Reminds me of a description of a gun from Restaurant at the End of the Universe;

        The designer of the gun had clearly not been instructed to beat about the bush. “Make it evil,” he’d been told. “Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with.”

        Like that, but in ship form.

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Vic, FYI, AutoCAD has been a thing since 1982.

    AutoCAD?

    • TacoMagic says:

      I forget that because I’m an engineer I take for granted that everyone around me knows what that is.

      It’s THE 3D drafting software that everyone has used to design pretty much everything since the 1980s. It’s gotten a few competitors over the years, like Solid Works, but AutoCAD remains universally recognized as the forefather of drafting software.

      The fact that the blueprints are scanned means that somebody did them by hand, rather than using a drafting program, which means they’re in the stone-age of design.

      • And they didn’t do anything to clean up the hand-drawn schematic before shipping it off to the printer, so any little bump or wobble – or even the specks of dust on the scanner – is going to remain in the end product.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah. I see…

        Sounds like a crazy program…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Crazy awesome is what it is! One of my “real” friends is a roboticist on the hardware end of the scale, and he let me use his copy to try to design some equipment for a ttRPG we are playing.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh my god, they built a ship in a few days!? What the fuck is this!?!? I just… I can’t even…

    WHAT!?!?!?

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    The kind that expect space to have gravity.

    Or the kind that have watched too much Star Wars/Star Trek/Mass Effect/any space opera where the ships all have artificial gravity. You know how those things work, right?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Buster then let go of the belt and he slowly lost control of his movements and floated out of his chair.

    So you’re going to start floating out in space despite the fact that you haven’t had the months of zero G training that most people like this have, hm?

  13. …the mass production of weapons of mass destruction

    That’s a lot of mass; I’m surprised they haven’t collapsed into a black hole yet.

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Wait, doesn’t Ert have a space station?”

    *le gasp*

    Oh, shit!

    *runs over to the phone*

    Goeth! Do something about this!

  15. “And now, the Renegades have removed their limbs in place are high-powered weapons and guns” Arin said again, lightly kissing Ursula’s right cheek.

    Dude, can’t you keep it in your pants for five seconds?

  16. 3D moldiests

    :snerk:

    Is that supposed to be ‘modelers’?

  17. erttheking says:

    “Wait, why is the head of the intelligence division drafting up spaceship plans?

    Goeth: *Whistles loudly*

    AND WHY IS HE OVERSEEING THEIR CONSTRUCTION!?

    Goeth: *Whistles even more loudly*

    AND WHERE ARE THEY GETTING ALL THIS SPARE MATERIAL IN A TIME OF WAR!?“

    Goeth: *Whistles so loud he’s pretty much just spitting*

  18. the ship was physically speeding through the air at a speed of 1050 mph

    “Physically speeding” seems very redundant. I mean, is there any other way of reaching supersonic speeds – or any speed – other than by physical movement?

    • TacoMagic says:

      I was going to make a crack about “metaphysically speeding” but the section was already getting kinda thick, so I left it for the commentors to rip apart.

  19. erttheking says:

    “Ert left the armory unlocked.”

    Ah…shit. Ah well, I’m sure not that many things went- *Peeks in*…*Slams door shut* I’m sure that’ll sort itself out.

  20. Is the cockpit of this two-man fighter even big enough for them to be floating around like that? I thought most fighters were pretty cramped.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Well, the ship is never really described, so I assume it’s blobular in shape and has a similarly amorphous cockpit.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, “T-188 PPT” does NOT correspond to any Star Wars ship designation Wookieepedia has, but the fact that it’s called a TRANSPORT makes me think of something more the size of a Pelican dropship or similar, something with more than enough internal volume to bounce around in (and volume that might even be left open as cargo space, although probably not right off the cockpit).

  21. erttheking says:

    “Wait, doesn’t Ert have a space station?”

    Oh crap! Ert, Buster is coming your way!

    GOETH! PLASMA CANNON!

  22. “That really came out of nowhere. I didn’t even know the ninjas HAD a space station.”

    SHINOBI-SAN!

  23. Buster asked squinting his eyes as the lights in the cockpit were off.

    I might be wrong, but why would having no lights in the cockpit affect him seeing the station? Unless they are in the Earth’s shadow, the sun should be providing plenty of light.

  24. “Um, I don’t know, it’s not human. That I do know.

    Says the man in a spaceship built by lions.

  25. proper reentry angle at which he could reenter and land

    Well, it’s not like you’d plot a reentry angle that would cause you to crash, Sparky.

  26. Lyle’s Early Ending Prevention Device. I think it’s become self aware, actually.

    He likes to be called Carlos.

  27. Buster rammed one of the ships with his ship? Did Professor X forget to install weapons? And at the speeds they’d have to be moving at, wouldn’t both ships have disintegrated? What is that ship built out of, depleted uranium?

    • TacoMagic says:

      By the time I got to that part, the whole thing was just so stupidly preposterous that I didn’t know what to say. It’s just so… stupid.

      Vic, your story is stupid and you should feel stupid for having written it.

  28. The ship’s weakness is the jet stream?!? But … escape velocity … :eye-twitch: GAH!!!

  29. AdmiralSakai says:

    Or I’ll do it for you. They need to be going 7.12 kilometers per second, or just under 16,000 MPH to maintain a stable orbit. Since they are going 16 times slower than that, they’ll immediately plummet into the atmosphere. Actually, at 1,000 MPH they never would have gotten into orbit in the first place, which I might have mentioned.

    I was GOING to defend the slow velocity by saying that the T-188 PPT is probably just exerting thrust to hover at orbital altitude and is not actually orbiting in the conventional sense (which is what ships in Gradient, future UNITY, and Xenowars usually do, as their primary drives actually have trouble attaining orbital velocities that close to a planet). But looking back it seems that the ship’s engines consist of rotors and air-breathing jets. So perhaps a better question would be how he got through the exosphere in the first place.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I was GOING to defend the slow velocity by saying that the T-188 PPT is probably just exerting thrust to hover at orbital altitude and is not actually orbiting in the conventional sense (which is what ships in Gradient, future UNITY, and Xenowars usually do, as their primary drives actually have trouble attaining orbital velocities that close to a planet).

      That typically requires either a tremendous amount of fuel, or a way to create thrust without extreme amounts of mass-dumping (anti-gravity or other subspace shenanigans). Since neither was described here, I assumed the ship is not capable of producing such.

      Granted, I have no idea what these “Nuclear powered engines” the thing uses are supposed to be.

      Either way, from an energy standpoint, it’s way easier to orbit something conventionally at high speed than it is to sit there and fight gravity directly perpendicular to the force. Races that do stuff like that need some pretty hefty technology to not plummet into the planet during the attempt.

      Seeing as this space program is 3 days old, I’m not going to give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        (By the way, the “GUX” engine system I mentioned above doesn’t really dump mass. Main engines are basically ramscoops combined with a sort of Mass Effect type field that takes time to have an effect on matter- basically, while the ship itself has “acclimated” to the field and weighs very little, it sucks in interstellar gas that weighs a normal amount, fuses it, and spits it out the back before the gas’s mass has time to change. That way, you get the boost of expelling reaction mass potentially many times greater than your own mass, without having to carry it with you. I’m quite proud of it, but it’s heavily dependent on the composition of space around you and a planetary exosphere can really mess it up. Hence, ships in “orbit” use a secondary propulsion system that’s gravitationally based and very efficient to generate hover thrust, although when I worked through the equations the Mass Effect field did some weird and only partially-defined things to orbital velocities.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah, ME fields essentially translate to “magical Juju” when you start trying to pump it into actual physics equations.

        So far as orbital velocities, they should remain unchanged as you change the mass of the orbiting body unless the orbiting body is of significant initial mass compared to the body it is orbiting. For instance, The difference in velocity between something that weighs 1 microgram and 1,000,000 kilograms is only about 1 mm/s. Until the thing weighs several million-trillion kilograms, there is essentially no significant difference in orbital velocity.

        If you’re talking about the equation to maintain hovering, that’s a much simpler case. All you need to do is offset the gravitational acceleration between the two bodies, which again is really only dependent on the larger of the two bodies when we’re talking about small ships and large planets. Pretty simple to pump that into the standard force equation and figure out how much thrust you need.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        The problems really came about when I tried to make sure that the electrochemical reactions necessary for life (and for that matter most mechanical technology) wouldn’t be affected by going inside the field, and got into this ungodly snarl about how and when various other force fields (i.e. electrical and gravitational) would be affected by passing through a delta-m field. The interpretations that changed orbital velocity did so by changing acceleration due to gravity for the orbiting object, usually by directly putting scalar multipliers in front of G.

    • It has jets?

      :checks fic:

      Holy crap, it does! And it’s flying in the vacuum of space!

      • TacoMagic says:

        It does mention afterburners, which would actually work in space if you packed along your own oxidation source. It would be less efficient than straight fuel propellant like in a rocket, but it’d work.

        Still doesn’t stop these nuclear engines from dousing the planet in fallout as it gets into orbit, though.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        The ship was hovering due to large jets of wind being propelled out of three grilled coverings on it’s under side.

      • I guess the “jets of wind” could be exhaust from whatever nuclear magic the engines are performing, but that would just lead to more radiation getting pissed all over the place.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, I genuinely think that we’re just looking at nuclear-powered “jet” engines. Presumably there’s a little nuclear reactor with cycling coolant that spins some turbines like in a power plant, only the rotational force is directly or indirectly used to spin turbines that force air through them. As long as you could make a reactor small and safe enough, and didn’t lose coolant to anything, and had some way of cooling it back down when you were done with it, and probably solved a bunch of other problems I missed, I suppose you could have what was basically a jet aircraft with no or very limited fuel consumption provided there was air.

      • We’ve probably put way more thought into this than ol’ Vic ever did.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I think we passed that point when Taco first saw the ‘fic and had a thought about it.

  30. AdmiralSakai says:

    … the official investigation is still ongoing. No names are being released as of yet but Roscosmos has confirmed the deaths of fifty-three civilian employees, eighteen soldiers, and five additional members of Space Center Security, bringing the total number killed to eighty-six…
    … a GRU spokeswoman has just released the preliminary report on the Riyadh* bombing. At this time the primary suspect is Charles Buster, who likely acquired the fissile material and nanotechnology used in the attack from the rogue Microsoft research branch calling itself OMEGA at some point in the last year…
    … the aim of the attack is now believed to have been the acquisition of an experimental Russian spacecraft designated the T-188, a prototype intended for rapid boarding of space-based weapons platforms. Of particular interest is the T-188’s propulsion system, which Admiral Thomas Sakai of the United Nations Weapons Research Office has characterized as “reactionless,” “gravitationally-based,” and capable of maintaining hover thrust indefinitely in a low-orbit environment…
    “The Russian Federation should have seen this coming. We all knew that when Pieter Krest left the Advanced Weapons Division, he was likely already involved with organized criminal elements in Red Section Africa**. We knew that until recently he had access to large amounts of high-tech manufacturing capability through OMEGA and the Imperialist – sorry, MNU- defense contractors. We knew that the Russians were developing a number of highly experimental engine technologies intended for space applications. We knew that Charles Buster was an arms dealer with a particular interest in high-tech and experimental weapons. The fact that nobody put the pieces together is tragic, but in hindsight predictable. It won’t happen again. As an international community we must come together. ADI must fight alongside the Americans, the Russians, the Chinese, and we must not stop until we have taken Buster down.“…
    … “we are unable to confirm or deny that Buster himself was killed in the crash, although the ADI has already promised to turn over the body of Dr. Krest to the Russian authorities…”
    … “Dan, a lot of the details are simply too sketchy for us to make clear sense of what happened at this time, with so much of our information coming from conflicting official sources and a small number of amateur astronomers. As near as we can determine, an aircraft matching the T-188’s profile was observed rising out of Earth’s atmosphere from the vicinity of Moghadishu at around three o’clock in the afternoon local time, we’re not sure why ADI forces in this area didn’t attempt to intercept it while it was still in the air- it seems to have traveled very slowly and remained in missile range for several hours, we suspect that the Outland Empire may have acquired a forged Russian IFF along with the prototype. Regardless of how it got there the T-188 seems to have begun moving towards the Skywatch-IV station, an orbital weapons platform currently under joint American-ADI control, at about five thirty. It was at that point that Skywatch-IV’s crew ordered the vessel to stop its approach, and we do know that they received no response despite repeated transmissions. Since by that point information about the T-188’s boarding capabilities had been released by Roscosmos, the decision was made to use Skywatch’s satellite-killer drone package to disable the craft from a safe distance. At least one drone did manage to impact the T-188 and appeared to drive it off, the whereabouts of the others are unknown and we presume they’ve been remotely detonated to avoid posing a hazard to civilian communications and weather satellites in the area. The T-188 then immediately began to descend in what appeared to be free fall, initial reports were claiming that it was in fact “shot down” but we can see now from the Lewiki footage that its pilot was in fact able to bring it down outside Mogadishu in something resembling a controlled landing. More at 11.

    *I’m thinking that CA involves a substantial Russian presence in the Middle East, with events dating back to the original Afghan war in the 1980s unfolding very differently from conventional history.

    **ADI refers to sections of Africa they control as “green”, those still under anarchy as “red”.

  31. erttheking says:

    This was about Lion King at one point right?

  32. X Equestris says:

    I figured this was going to be bad, but it exceeded all of my expectations. If stupidity could be used as fuel, this fic could power the world for years.


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