842: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part ThreePosted: September 24, 2014 | |
*Taco and Swenia drag themselves into the snark booth and drop into their chairs. They spend a few minutes staring at the screen blankly.*
“I have a baby, what’s your excuse?”
Teething toddler. Just think, you get to look forward to that in a year or two.
Let’s see, last time we had a stupid battle were soldiers were using laser sights. While this is going on Arin takes Ursula home, they have dinner, then retreat to his office to have sex.
“Poor girl is going to get a stapler stuck in an orifice.”
Meanwhile, Buster and fam have an extremely forced and wooden Tender Moment™ in a bid to try to win some sympathy from the audience. That’s pretty much where we left off.
On another note, did you ever pick a name, Swenia?
“I rather liked the mining-based name idea, so I went with Jiwe.”
Jiwe… you named your kid ‘rock?’
“Well, the meaning is more general. More literally “stone” than rock, but essentially… yes.”
Huh. Dwayne Johnson would be proud.
Let’s see what we’ve got today!
Great, more Arin.
Arin had woke up with a little bit of a headache when Ursula had found her way around the kitchen.
He stops mid-battle to get some sex and a nap, then ends up with a mild headache. Poor baby.
Arin got up from his bed and saw the recently indent made by Ursula as she slept beside him the following night.
“Either Ursula weighs a lot more than the lack-of-description has lead us to believe, or that bed isn’t very good.”
He smiled and got despite is headache.
I think he just a word.
Ursula was preparing a simple breakfast for her self when she saw Arin exit their bedroom.
Now, I’m not of the “women in the kitchen” ilk of assholes. However, if she is going to make breakfast for herself, maybe she should, you know, make it for everyone? Or at least ask?
She looked at the pan as it cooked the meat in side of it and added another 4 pieces of bacon and added another slice of bread to the toaster.
“She has a much different idea of ‘simple breakfast’ than I do.”
I’ll bite. What is your idea of a simple breakfast?
*Swenia takes a huge swig of her coffee*
… Did you just create a mug of coffee out of thin air?
“The PCC is giving out samples of their new Sudden Food!™ product line.”
*Swenia takes a bite of her Sudden Croissant™*
Arin walked into the bathroom and sat down in the tub.
The hell!? Why would anyone do that?
He then turned on the preheated warm water tap and laid back to take a bath.
“Don’t panic, it was just awkward scene building.”
I’d harp on this, but point-of-use hot water boosting is actually a thing. It’s somewhat commonly installed if your hot-water system is using a tankless water-heater. I doubt Vic actually knew that it was a thing when he wrote this, but it is indeed a thing.
He then started to scrub his fur with a bar of soap.
Shampoo, idiot! You don’t use bar soap on fur!
“You have not even conceptualized the kind of bad-hair-day you get when using bar-soap on your fur. You need a specially PH-balanced shampoo with protective conditioner.”
Wait, you’re a cat, don’t you lick yourself clean or something?
“Does that sound like something you would want to do instead of taking a warm shower?”
Ursula hearing the water took Arin’s breakfast to him in the bathroom.
You know, I don’t think the bathroom is really the place I’d want to have my breakfast.
“Good morning Arin, have a good nights rest? She asked as she put the plate on the edge of the tub.
Oh crap! Now Ursula is narrating her life!
Arin looked at the plate and then looked into Ursula’s eyes. “Thank you, Ursula. No one has ever preformed these services for me before in my whole life. I love you” Arin said as he began to cry.
“Wow, Arin went from zero to melodrama in one line of dialogue.”
This is teetering on the edge of casual sexism, but the implication that this sort of “service” is supposed to be provided by a woman might be reading a little more into this scene than is actually there. I’m going to keep my eye on it, though.
“Arin, Arin. Don’t cry, I don’t want to see a grown wolf cry” Ursula said while washing Arin’s Fur or him as he ate the breakfast she had made for him.
“I’m with her. Seeing the guy break down because he got served breakfast-in-bathroom has got to be awkward to say the least.”
“You have soft fur, Arin” She said rubbing his back.
“Wait a damn minute! Arin is supposed to be a cyborg, isn’t he?”
You’re right! What the hell is he doing taking a bath!? He’s going to short our his serial card!
“Yeah, I guess it’s always been like that” Arin quietly said as he swallowed a piece of bacon. “Ursula, I want you to have this. I want it to represent my undying love for you” Arin sincerely said while looking into Ursula’s eyes.
“If you really love her, say it with bacon.”
He then handed her the necklace he had around his neck.
Does he always wear his bling into the tub?
“That has to be sporting some hardcore tarnish.”
“Arin, I can’t take this” She said with remorse.
Uh, why not? What is so significant about this never-described piece of jewelry that makes it so impossible to accept?
“It’s made of finger bones.”
… Yeah, I’d probably give that back. Or burn it.
“But, I want you to have it. Take it please” Arin pleaded.
“Wasn’t there a war or something going on right now?”
Yeah, and Arin’s team was losing.
“Ok” Ursula said with a tremor in her voice. She took it from Arin’s paw and placed it around her neck. She then held the medallion on the necklace to see what it said. “To My Beloved Mate” She slowly said.
“That is a really, really odd necklace to be wearing as a single male.”
If I were Ursula, I’d be wondering about who gave him the necklace, and why he was re-gifting it.
She then continued. “I Arin Here By Promise To Love And Cherish Ursula For As Long As I Shall Live”
That’s on the necklace!?
“Super creepy. Quick, punch him in the face and run!”
That’s your answer to everything.
“You would be surprised at the number of situations that can be resolved that way.”
“I Arin Make Ursula Alpha Female Of The United Omega” Ursula then reached down and hugged Arin and kissed him on the back of his neck. “I love you” She whispered in his ear.
Great, in addition to everything else, Arin is also a creepy stalker who is super-possessive of the woman he stalked.
“I’m beginning to think that Buster may not actually be the worst person in this fic.”
It’s a hard call. But I think it’s still Buster. The dude beats his child and selectively enforces racist laws on women. Arin’s just a misogynistic necromancer with violent tendencies.
“I was starting to think that Victor had completely forgotten there was supposed to be a battle going on.”
The battle out side of the United Omega Capital city was still raging on.
Without the direction of their leader, who was busy having sex, napping, and then taking a bath.
“Given his leadership skills, I’m going to assume his generals are pretty used to doing things without his input.”
Honestly, they’re probably better off when he doesn’t try to help.
Still yet, no attempts by The United Omega had worked. The High Premium Octane Alliance was making a quick job of the United Omega forces.
Can’t be that quick. Arin’s had enough time to eat a quick dinner, have sex in his office, sleep, have a bath, eat breakfast, and make shallow overtures of love.
“So are we to take it that the HPOA is actually its own thing and not actually under the command of the IN?”
Going back to read it, the passage where it’s introduced is somewhat vague on that point, but it could be interpreted that it’s an alliance of IN defectors mixed with UO defectors.
“Well, that means the ONE atrocity that could have been pinned on the IN isn’t actually their doing.”
To be fair, everything that we know about the IN suggests that they would not stand for their troops specifically targeting and slaughtering civilians, so their direct involvement has always been in question. Way to go, Vic, you just took the only thing evil that the IN ever might have been involved with, and handed it off to another group.
In the trenches were death, suffering surrendering the scared, helpless wolves as their comrades whom actually went over the top to rush the invaders ended up being blown to pieces or gunned down.
Having a leader who can’t be bothered to show up for the battle has to be pretty demoralizing, too.
Some of the wolves who went over the top that were shot, and did not die, cried for help as their friends and family stayed in the trenches.
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY BRING THEIR FAMILY TO THE BATTLE!?”
Come down for trench warfare days at the Sizzler! Kids 5 and under get in free! Arm amputations are half-off while supplies last!
“You are one sick cookie, Taco.”
“Help me please! (sob) I don’t want to die! Help!(sob)”
One of the numerous wounded wolves cried out as 4 or 5 wolves who were just behind him in the trench just sat their.
Just sat their… what? You can’t end a sentence with a possessive! I’ll spend the rest of the day wondering what the hell it is they just sat!
“Guys, we must help him” One said with tears running down his cheeks.
“It is really easy to be emotionally invested in this scene because we’ve come to know these soldiers so well in the last three sentences.”
“Yeah, we must. He’s one of us” Another said while peeking above the trench ledge. “I’m your superior officer, we are risking our lives going after him” A wolf who was sitting in a crack in the wall said.
So, to clarify for everyone, we have One-of-numerous wolf, who is dying up on the surface. We have One, who is concerned and crying, and we have Another, who concurs with One. We also have A, who is in charge and doesn’t want to have his unit sniped when they blunder up after One-of-numerous. A is also sitting in a crack.
“Masterful character-building at its finest.”
“Sir, he’s my brother, please may I go get him?” A very young adolescent wolf asked with tears in his eyes.
“This is why you don’t assign siblings to the same unit. It creates conflict of interest.”
“Ok, go get your brother” The superior officer wolf said.
When you get sniped, scream a bit so we know that it’s not safe to go up there.
“This really is trench tactics 101. If you shoot an enemy soldier and he lives, but is screaming for help, you don’t finish him off. Who knows how many other soldiers you can drop when they come to get him. That’s why we mix the new recruits with veterans on the line. The veterans know better then to scream for help if they’re wounded on the surface, and any still in the trench will keep the neophytes from charging up onto the surface for a wounded buddy. If you’re wounded on the surface, you need to hope you make it to nightfall, and then try to drag yourself back to the trench under the cover of darkness. It’s heartless, but it saves lives in the end.”
The young wolf then picked up his rifle and placed his helmet on and peeked over the ledge.
Where he was promptly picked-off by a sniper.
He waited for his brother to cry again and lifted him self out of the trench.
Lazy snipers, what are they waiting for?
“They probably want to see how many people will come out of the trench. It tends to tamp down the enthusiasm to save a comrade if the first guy is picked off right away.”
He ran to the lump of fur in front of him and then saw it was not his brother but a young she-wolf that had a gunshot wound to her chest.
Easy mistake to make. Your brother and a dead female wolf are essentially the same thing.
He looked up for a quick moment and saw his brother just a few feet from him. He ran to his and woke him up. “You ok?” He asked as he shook his brother awake.
Wow, crying for help one moment and then sleeping the next. Nacolepsy is a harsh mistress.
His brother just nodded and he picked him up and draped him over his back and ran back to the trench.
I’m beginning to suspect that there might not be any snipers.
“Maybe they’re on break. Gotta get some dinner, have sex, nap, take a bath…”
He reached the trench and lowered his brother down to the guys below. Just as he let go of his brother, a stray gunshot hit the back of his head.
Ahh, there’s the sniper. Waited long enough.
“Victor, an expertly placed shot to the back of the head does not really count as a “stray” shot. That’s a well-aimed shot.”
He sank to his knees and keeled over forward back into the trench. His buddies below caught him as blood was literally squirting out of his head with every last beat his heart made.
“This is why you don’t go after men on the surface. I hope you recruits learned a valuable lesson today. And, Captain, I’m demoting you to Warrant Officer for letting that soldier go up onto the surface. You’re an idiot and it got somebody killed.”
The battle continued on for hours as the invaders had endless automated gun turrets that were placed everywhere and wolves with machine guns attached to their bodies in places were they once had flesh.
I guess that means we’re done with the small group of unnamed wolves.
Near the end, Arin who was holding Ursula close in his office prepared a massive offensive.
“I’m finding it hard to believe that Arin could be more massively offensive than he already is.”
The offensive was to rush the gun turrets and cyber wolves.
So, let me get this straight, all your attacks have been thus far repelled with heavy casualties. Moral is low, and you’re being overrun. Your solution to this is to charge the cannons!?
“Sound the fucking retreat, you megalomaniacal moron! Abandon the city and fall back into allied territory!”
“Yes sir!” The general in charge of the trench line said into the phone radio one of the solders had on his back.
“You are an idiot and your generals are idiots for listening to you!”
20 minutes later, they rushed, 1200 wolves ran the storming attempt.
“THAT’S IT!? You are facing off against a group of half-wolf killing-machines that have been tearing your lines to shreds with impunity, and your idea of a massive counter-offensive is 1200 soldiers!? What the fuck were you thinking!?”
I will turn the hose on you.
The turret guns then fired like crazy and lots of wolves that were in front feel down with blood covering the ground.
I’d feel rather down too if I was assigned to that 1,200 man suicide squad.
Once the guns were successfully terminated, they went on to face the very wolves that were responsible for the creation of the pack. The fighting raged on for 2 hours in a bloody show down with less and less United Omega’s left to fight.
This is among the worst-paced battle scene I’ve ever had the misfortune to riff, and that’s including the daybook fight scenes from untold zombie chronicels. First, how the crap are 1,200 soldiers doing a Charge of the Light Brigade lasting 2 hours under heavy fire? They’d be lucky if this assault lasted a few minutes. Also, it’s entirely impossible to tell what the hell is going on or who is winning. Not to mention impossible to care about what might be going on or who is winning.
Then came the tanks of the United Omega military.
They waited until 2 hours into a last-ditch assault before finally mobilizing the tanks!?
“The UO really deserves to lose this battle.”
Running over the opposition and sending them back to the dark ages with 20 mm cannons.
“IF ALL IT TOOK TO TURN THE BATTLE WAS TANKS, WHY DID YOU WAIT SO FUCKING LONG TO USE THEM!?”
*Taco sprays Swenia*
I said down, g-
*Swenia pounces on Taco*
[One scene of extreme violence later]
*Taco walks into the room wearing a sequined bodysuit*
I see the new Cher respawn point has been activated.
In one of the tanks was Talisman.
Oh hai, Talisman. It’s been a while.
Tesren’s younger brother. He’s one of the necro-wolves working in Arin’s nuclear bomb factory.
“What is he doing in a tank, then?”
He was Arin’s younger brother. The youngest of the family. Torn apart by greed, by his older brother, Tesren.
Huh, Tesren is apparently greedy. If only there was some way we could have been shown this…
“Shame to see a young wolf get torn apart by greed. I hear it’s like being attacked by a pack of hyena.”
Luckily Arin was there to bring him back form the dead after he got mauled by greed.
Talisman followed Arin in his paw prints to form the United Omega.
True, they are indeed both cyber-zombies. Not sure that would be a legacy I’d be proud to be a part of, but I suppose you don’t get much say in the matter.
Talisman being the beta wolf of the pack, he had no mate, but was powerful enough to enjoy his position in the pack.
“Good to know Arin plays favorites when establishing pack hierarchy.”
If helps to have family in high places.
Talisman was shorter than Arin but he was just as strong as he was. The only thing that made them different was the fact of Talisman’s eyes. He had none. He had a set of night-vision goggles fused into his eyes to serve as his eyes.
Well, we finally get an explanation of why the hell Talisman has night-vision goggles on. It’s a stupid explanation, but hey, at least we finally got one, right?
“So, the cyber-wolves aren’t just cobbled together from outdated computer parts, but also military surplus?”
Well, if you’ve gotta make zombies on a budget, you can’t go wrong with surplus, I guess.
“Ok every one! Run ’em over!” Talisman yelled into a microphone on his dashboard.
Or, you know, use the cannons.
“Those are overrated. Sure, if you want to be effective you can use the cannons, but that’s not the only way to use a tank.”
The entire platoon of tanks lined up one by one and rushed the invading wolves and INers.
Well, now I’m getting mixed messages. Is this a separate alliance, or an IN-driven group?
“I’m pretty sure not even Vic knows the answer to that one.”
Just as the invaders started their attack, the United Omega Tankers ran over them.
“I’m sad that it worked.”
I’m sad that it took 24 hours of fighting before Arin summoned the Deus Ex Machina to save what is left of the UO.
“Competent leadership probably would have started with the tanks. Or at least sent them in early on.”
That’s probably why Arin didn’t do it.
There was not as much blood in doing so, due to most of the wolves weren’t even wolves. Just a bunch of useless computer and mechanical components.
Put together by ARIN by the way.
I want to remind everyone that not only did he created this problem by building this army, but then cut that army of super-soldiers loose by banishing them. This ENTIRE situation is 100% Arin’s fault. All the people who died in this war? Yeah, their blood is on his hands.
This is why I ousted the “our hero” button. These are not heroes; they are villains, pure and simple.
“And not even smart villains, at that.”
After four hours passing by, Arin and Ursula went down to see their wounded comrades.
“Glad you two finally decided to fucking show up.”
“Yeah in all actuality, neither am I.”
Some of the wolves never even left the trenches and were just sitting in the trench holding onto their rifles.
The UO’s leadership is so inept, they can’t even properly announce the end of the battle within 4 hours of the conclusion.
Most of them had a strange dazed look on their faces.
“I’m a shocked as they are that there’s anyone still alive after that mess.”
Arin jumped down into the trench and nearly tripped over a fellow United Omega. “Did we win?” Arin asked looking into his eyes.
It’s been four hours, AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU FUCKING WON THE BATTLE!? AND WHY ARE YOU ASKING THE RANDOM SHELL-SHOCKED SOLDIER!?
*Swenia sprays Taco*
Oh that is it!
*Taco pounces on Swenia*
[One scene of extreme violence later]
*Taco walks in wearing a clown outfit*
“I really liked the part where you cried for your mommy.”
“Yes, we won. M-my brother…is ….dead” He said as he looked away over at a lump of fur a few meters down the trench.
“Yes he is, and it is your fault for begging for help when you were on the surface. I hope you learned a lesson.”
Be fair to the poor guy, Arin’s got way more culpability for this situation than anyone. Really, it was Arin who killed the kid’s brother.
Arin looked over at the lump of fur and pointed it out for Ursula to check it out. Ursula slowly and sacredly walked over to the body.
How exactly do you walk ‘sacredly?’
“A lot of hip action.”
She then moved the dead wolf over onto his back. “She began to cry as he was only an adolescent wolf.
This would be heart-rending if an important or likable character had died. Or if it wasn’t a transparent play to make us feel sorry for Arin and Ursula.
Arin looked over at Ursula and then helped up his comrade.
“He’s probably wondering if there are any more Apple 2Cs sitting in the basement. A few five-and-a-quarter floppies and the guy will be as good as new.”
Or a reasonable facsimile of new, anyway.
He sat him down by Ursula and looked at the dead wolf in front of him.
“Honey, do you know if Honest Otto’s Military Surplus is open past five?”
“He never had a chance to live long” Ursula began to cry harder. Arin took off his hat and held it to his chest. “Rest in peace, William” Arin said as he looked at his dog tags.
FEEL EMOTION! FELL IT! FEEL, OR I’LL KILL ANOTHER UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER!
Ursula then slowly moved her paw over William’s face closing his eyelids forever.
So William’s brother has been sitting next to him for upwards of six hours and didn’t bother to close the eyes? Somebody get that kid off the line, he’s in hardcore shock.
Then William’s brother started to cry and put his head on William’s chest.
Seriously, get the kid out of there, he’s going to hurt himself.
Ursula looked over at him and looked at his dog tags. “Shaltzer, let him rest” Ursula slowly said.
We get it, Vic, you have a huge hard-on for Germany. Can you knock it the hell off? Shaltzer isn’t even a proper first name, it’s a surname for crap’s sake!
Shaltzer continued to cry and sob for a while longer until Arin picked him up from his brother’s dead body.
“Did we mention you should all be feeling right now? We’re sending around the darkwraiths with baseball bats in case we forgot to mention it.”
Great, we’re back to Buster.
“Where were those troops he sent to aid Arin?”
SQDF ate them on their way over.
Buster was in his office with Radon talking about Swenia.
“Guys, can you leave me out of this? I’m happier when the fic doesn’t remember that I was a character in it.”
“Now Radon, due to the resent battle in the united Omega, I’m releasing Swenia” Buster said as he wrote in his leather book.
“He still thinks I’m in the prison?”
We might have dressed a darkwraith up in a spare lion costume and sent it in your place.
“I wonder if Radon will notice the difference.”
That might be giving him too much credit.
“Thank you sire” Radon said with joy.
“Radon always was a wishy-washy toad.”
Why did you mate with him, then?
“Heat season. See, it makes you crazy enough to bonk anything. Hell, I remember in the academy-”
Don’t. Want. To. Know.
“What is that book you’re writing in there, sire?” Radon asked. “Oh this? Ummm it’s the Outland History book.
Gonna be pretty short. Nothing of note has really happened in the Outland.
“Jerk came to power. Stuff sucked for a while. IN took over and ushered in a golden age. The End.”
It contains every lion and lioness and leopard in this Empire” Buster said as he put his pen down.
Dude, that’s not a history book. That’s a genealogy book. Very, very different things.
“hum, you mean I’m in there too?” Radon asked.
“Sorry, he meant every leopard BUT you. Idiot.”
Buster nodded and then gave Radon a pick up slip for the OPMC mining prison.
You mean that’s all you need to get somebody out of prison? A slip of paper? Damn, we could have saved the trouble of that whole armored transport hijack and just sent Eliza with a claim slip.
“I think Eliza had more fun with the hijack.”
Radon got up and walked out of the office with tears of joy in his eyes.
He’s in for an interesting surprise.
And with that, Radon finally disappears from the fic, never to be seen again.
Yup, Radon is never mentioned again after this point. Neither are you, actually.
“SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING US IN THE FIC!?”
I guess Vic needed a way to show that Buster was a racist, sexist asshole who tries to band-aid horrible situations that he causes without attempting or achieving actual absolution.
“Deplorable! Fucking deplorable!”
That line also indicates that chapter fifteen finally comes to an end. Boy that was a monster.
“Unfortunately, chapter sixteen is three times as long. And if you thought the first fifteen chapters of this thing were stupid, you haven’t seen nothin’ yet.”
On the bright side, the Star Wars canon FINALLY shows up.
Until next week, patrons!