836: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  It’s going to be a bit of short one this week.  There’s just a little too much chapter left for me to want to do it all at once, but not enough to make a post of the length that I normally aim for, so I’ll just split what’s left down the middle and deal with smaller posts.  It’s actually fairly well timed, since the next two weeks are lining up to be rather busy for me anyway.   I also gave Swenia the day off.  Mostly because she threatened my life when I tried to wake her up while the cub was napping.  We’ll have to wait until next week to find out what she decided to name him.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened.

What?  You want more than that?  Fine.

So, it turns out that the IN managed to gain control of a large contingent of Arin’s super-soldiers and have turned them into an elite strike force.  Arin catches wind of this, begs Buster for help, then drops everything so he can go and make an over-elaborate request for sex from Ursula.  That’s actually pretty much it.  There were also a bunch of lions, wolves, and humans having sex all over every surface.  Not sure why, but Swenia’s theory is that everyone is in heat.  Sure, I’ll roll with that.

United Omega

Yay.  More Arin.  I am practically beside myself with nausea.

When Arin and Ursula, woke up, they were in the center of a deadly battle.

*Facepalm*

Wow, those two sleep really, really deeply.  I’m surprised that whoever is driving the tank didn’t try to wake them or anything.

So, there’s a huge battle going down in UO.  Good thing Arin took the opportunity to run off and get himself some sex and then take a nap while this was happening.  Truly an awe-inspiring leader for the ages.

With this, my question of who is the worst leader among Arin, Buster, and President Goofy gets much harder to call.

I’m thinking it might be all of them.

The United Omega Pack Military was fighting off a group of lions and wolves who allied them selves with each other.

*Headdesk*

So, United Omega was attacked by the United Federation of Generic?  What happened to the army of super soldiers that was on the way?

A select group of INers and members of the United Omega who were no longer needed as their technology was outdated by 2-6 years.

Wow uh… what?  So, under Arin’s leadership, if your cybernetic hardware gets more than 2 years old, he cuts you loose?  Dude, Arin, you really are gunning for that worst leader award, aren’t you?

And whatever happens to this group having that stupid 80’s band name?  No, I’m not repeating it. If Vic wants to forget that he came up with that abomination of a name, I’m happy to let him do it.

Strange though that he’d name the chapter after them and then completely forget.  Actually, after what I’ve seen thus far, that’s not strange at all.

The wolves were the former computer technicians who worked for less then any other United Omega wolf.

So, UO is being attacked by the underpaid IT department that they laid off.  I’m sure that’s really scary.  Next they’ll have to face-off against the underfunded hard-drive assembly staff.

4 years in the past, they were deeply resentful of their positions.

These days, however, they look back with the gentle regret of realization that they wouldn’t be where they are now without that past, and that mistakes can be made and survived.

The INer lions that allied with them gave them technology that was up to date.

Just so that everyone is on the same page here:  Arin, who is being billed as some kind of support protagonist, under-appreciates and underpays his tech support people.  Then, once the technology that makes up their cyber-zombie implants gets more than 2 years old, he cuts them loose without so much as a second thought.  Meanwhile, the IN, seeing the plight of these cast-offs, offers to upgrade the whole lot with modern technology in exchange for an alliance with them.

HOW IS THE I.N. SUPPOSED TO BE THE BADGUY HERE!?

Sweet Armory Jesus, the more that I hear about the IN, the more I think that they’re relationship to Nazis is just a bad translation error between German and Swahili!  They’re the only organization in this fic that’s doing anything good!

Arin looked out through the window and saw the blood shed first hand.

Your tank has windows?  I mean, yeah, there are a few places you can see out of a tank, but those typically require you to either be spotting or actively manning a gun.  By the way this is phrased, it sounds like there’s some kind of random window in the middle of this thing.

 The south were hundreds of INer and disgustingly looking wolves with swords for arms, guns on their shoulders, tanks that all had some blood on the grilles, large cannons and many other kinds of malicious artillery.

Thanks for creating this army, Arin.  Glad to see your necromancy is working out for you.

Arin then looked out at his forces massing near some treed area.

The hell are they doing defending a copse of trees?  Shouldn’t they be protecting the city?!

Arin then went in to the back room and came out with a black suite and a pair of boots.

So what is all in the Black Suite? Pretty much any movement of Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 8, certainly.  Barber’s Adagio is pretty likely too.

He then hugged Ursula and kissed her.

Might want to hurry up a little, Arin.   You’re gonna lose this battle before you even get your boots on at this rate.

Arin then put the clothes on and slipped strap type suspenders over his the black shirt.

Dude, seriously, the center is already buckling and the reinforcements aren’t being deployed correctly!  The soldiers need some direction here!

On his back was a four way metal ring that was making the suspenders tight. On the metal ring were three metal rectangles that had a part of the suspenders attached to it. Arin then pulled out from under the couch, a metal briefcase.

The copse is being overrun, the trees are lost!  We have all units falling back to the sylvan glen!  Artiliray is covering the retreat, but the enemy has a wing of bombers inbound!  Can you do some leading here!?

He set it on the table and opened it. Inside were 3 guns.  One was a standard .9 mm pistol. Another was a western class 6 shooter. The last one was a small compact .45 magnum auto machine pistol.

The rear was ambushed in the glen!  All forces are stranded out in the open between the copse and the glen!  Enemy bomber ETA is 30 seconds!  We need direction here!

Arin grabbed the small auto machine pistol and put it in a holster. He then put the six shooter in the pocket his black pants.

The bombers have wiped out our main forces.  The remnants are retreating toward the city to regroup.  I’ve ordered the civilians to take up any arms they can get their hands on and erect barricades in the streets.  I’m handing out what remains in the armory using your validation codes.  You just… keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing, Arin.

He then picked up the .9 mm looking at it’s engraving on the handle.

The IN leadership has agreed to a short armistice while we evacuate women and children.  I’ve been invited to peace talks, so I’ll be busy for the next few quotes while I’m sitting down with them.  Crunchy, hold the fort!

“To peace we prosper

To freedom we live

To war we kill”

“It is endearing that Vic thinks that quote is somehow awesome.  It is rather unfortunate that it is not.  The grammar is too slipshod to be a proper sentence, the meter is wrong for a poem, and the syllable count does not even work for a haiku.  All in all, I give this math quiz an F-.”

Arin said looking into Ursula’s eyes. “Take this gun, you’ll need it, my luv” Arin said as he tried to stop from crying.

“I would imagine that Ursula is regretting the decision to join him.  I know that I certainly regret her decision to join him.  Ahh, Taco’s back, how was the peace summit?”

Good.  We hammered out an accord.  Any citizens who wish to defect from the UO to the IN will be granted provisional citizenship until they can be naturalized after the war.  Along with the IN’s protection, they’re offering free tech-upgrades to all zombies, better pay, and free fair-trade artisan coffee will be provided every morning.  The only thing they asked in return is to try to kill Arin.

“I assume that you did not tell them that we were going to try to do that anyway.”

I try not to play my hand too early.  At least, not until I’m told there’s going to be free coffee.

Ursula looked at Arin and saw the pain of tears in his eyes. “Awww, don’t cry dear. We will make it” Ursula said holding his paw close to her stomach.

So, I’ve made the announcement of IN’s conditions.  The larger portion of the UO has surrendered and is accepting terms while the residual resistence is being squashed by IN raids.  Once you two are done in there, I’ll be happy to show you to the firing squad.

Then the fighting commenced.

With each other?

“Maybe Ursula likes free artisan coffee?”

Later In The Day

Meanwhile, at the same time later that day:

Each attempt made by the United Omega’s to storm the invaders was put to a halt by endless gunfire.

I deeply apologize for the sudden yet inevitable betrayal of most of your people.  That probably made it a whole lot harder to win this war.

“Are you still living in the dream world where you have led a mid-battle revolt against Arin?”

I much prefer that world to the one I’m reading about.

Wolves, who were on the other side, were using laser sights to spot any thing and every thing.

Da-bwa?  Wolves on the other side of WHAT?  Are these UO wolves doing the sniping or IN wolves?

Also, I’ve mentioned it before, but using laser sights in any combat situation is absolute stupidity for many, many reasons.  However, the most obvious in this case is that if you’ve got a few thousand soldiers each painting targets with laser sights, then any one of them is going to have no fucking clue where they’re aiming!

The only time a laser sight is really worthwhile as a psychological tool in law-enforcement or for setting up the first shot on a new gun for doing a sight-in.  Otherwise, they have so many drawbacks that they’re more of a liability than anything else.  If you want people to be useful in combat, teach them how to aim.

The tanks they used left behind a bloody mess of tangled and torn bodies.

They being… who?  You’ve got 2 groups here, each of which was mentioned in the first sentence.  Contextually I suppose you mean the IN, but it’s not very clear, especially after the last sentence which, given progression, would put those wolves on the UO side making the “they” the UO.

*GONG*

Pronouns have feelings too!

 The rampaging computer wolves even had the nerve to kill an entire infirmary filled with innocent she-wolves and pups.

Is it supposed to be shocking that the zombie-cyborgs created by Arin don’t have any kind of moral compass?  The IN can only do so much to rehabilitate these poor IT support gurus.

Arin and Ursula did make it to safety by the means of flooring the yacht tank.

Dammit!

“I suppose the bomb did not go off, then.  Shame.”

Arin led Ursula to their her new home after they had a quickie supper.

“Arin goes home and have a quick dinner with his new groin attachment?  Apparently he cannot think of anything he should be attending to in this situation.”

He’s done almost as little as Buster has since he first appeared.  Why should he change that now?

As Ursula walked beside Arin, she noticed that his leather military boots made a majestic sound when he stepped.

What, exactly, does majesty sound like?

“From my experience with the royalty of the empire, it sounds a lot like whining.”

Ahh, so his shoes whine as he walks… great.

“I suppose it could also sound like petty bickering and political back-biting, but whining is the more common sound.”

Arin looked over at Ursula and saw she was smiling and holding onto his right arm.

Nothing like fighting a losing battle against an insurmountable enemy to perk your spirits up, amirite?

He then stopped and turned her to face him. He looked into her eyes and few seconds later, swept her off her feet and carried her in his arms.

Shouldn’t there be like a wave of bombers leveling the area about now?

“That sounds an awful lot like the dream world again, Taco.”

 It was at this time, Ursula noticed, Arin had much more strength then Tesren ever had.

Which is a lot more important than being a caring mate, good leader, decent person, or… not totally evil.

“Being not totally evil is as far overrated an experience as you are likely to hear about.”

She then laid her head on his shoulder and kissed him on his cheek.

“Is not there a war over in that direction which might need your direct intervention?”

SHH!  Arin is trying to seduce his new penis-hat!

Then Arin slipped in to an office and quickly closed the door still carrying Ursula.  he door closed then a loud locking noise came from it. He then moved to the end of the office and opened another door that led in to his lounge room. He set Ursula down in a chair and leaned over and kissed her.

This whole scene is just so casually and blindly sexist on so many levels that it isn’t even funny.  It’s essentially turned Ursula into a prize for Arin, who is wasting no time in consummating his conquest.  Fuck dealing with more important things, it’s time for sex!  Because putting his penis in something is all Arin actually cares about.  Fuck the people who might be counting on military direction, Arin needs to get laid!

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 47

Outlands

So, we swing over to Buster.  Same shit, different personified anus.

Buster woke up from sleeping in and saw Zira feeding Sereina.

So, you’re in a time of war and just dispatched over ten thousand troops to aid an ally.  Is this really the time to be sleeping in?

He then got up and kissed her on her cheek and then wen to Dagger’s room.

If you, as an author, ever want to know how to do pacing exactly as wrong a you possibly can, go ahead and read chapter 15 of this fic.  It’s a fucking dissertation on how to screw up pacing.

“You may come out” He said. “You hate me” Dagger said in a low voice.

Dude, he’s a shitty father and you’re the kid he wasn’t emotionally prepared to raise.  Of COURSE he hates you!  He resents your very presence in his life. That’s how these things work.

“That is rather dark, Taco.”

I’m kinda done with pulling my punches about Buster’s fucked-up domestic situation.

“You never actually spent time with me as father and son” Dagger slowly said again.

“Then again, Taco, it is hard to argue with your points when the story shovels on more and more reasons why Buster is a failure as a parent.  My mother, who tried to eat me more than once, was a paragon of mammalian-style nurturing compared to Buster.”

You know my rule, Crunchy.

“Yes, yes, I know.  I am not allowed to talk about my upbringing without first pouring you a shot.”

“I don’t hate you, you’re my son Dagger.

All evidence to the contrary, of course.

Come here, I’m sorry for not spending time with you on a regular basis” Buster said in his most sincere voice as he heard the quite muffled sobs of his son holding his head under his pillow.

“It is not a terribly good sign that your very presence is driving your child to tears.”

Buster then walked in to his room and sat on his bed. He then put his paw on Dagger’s shoulder and then reached with his other paw around his other shoulder. Buster pulled Dagger up from under his pillow and hugged him and held Dagger’s head close to his heart.

It’s a little late to try to patch things up with the audience by showing us tender scenes.  These kinds of transparently shallow overtures are very common in situations with rampant abuse, so it does much more to add to how disturbing Buster is as a character than assuage our opinion of him.

“Assuage?  You have been associating with me overmuch of late, I fear.”

I’ve been saying that too.

“Ouch.”

“Father?” Dagger asked as he was whimpering. “Yes?” Buster asked stroking Dagger’s small main. “I love you dad! (cries)” Dagger said aloud.

Good move, kid.  That should keep him playacted for at least another day.  If you bide your time, an opportunity for escape will present itself sooner or later.

“Should I prep the evac team?”

Naw, Kisu has shown us that he’s already a bit of a lost cause.  Too much damage has already been done.  Best case scenario is that he runs away from Buster and then choses to never be in a relationship or have children.

“Shhh it’s ok, Dagger. I love you too” Buster said calming Dagger down and hugging him still.

Gods this is so awkward and disturbing.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather be reading a graphic description of Arin and Ursula having sex.

Zira looked through the crack of the door and saw her mate and son together hugging.

Maybe you should stop creeping and head in there and join in on the fleeting moment where Buster isn’t being directly abusive.

She smiled and walked in to the room.

“I bet that is rather embarrassing for you.”

Nah, I’d rather be wrong about her than be right.

“Zira, come her and share this moment with me” Buster asked looking up at Zira with tears in his eyes.

Yeah, it’s fleeing and you never know when you’ll catch him not acting like a complete douchebag again.

“It could be decades before she sees something like that.”

“Your father and I love you so much Dagger” Zira said in Dagger’s ear.

I’d just like to point out to everyone that we’ve now been told that this is a loving family.  Seven chapters after being SHOWN that it’s an abusive mess.  I know we mention the importance of showing and not telling a lot in the Library, but this here is precisely why we bring it up so much.  You can tell your audience anything you want, but if you show them something much, much different, they’ll call you a liar and go read something else.

“Unless they happen to be you.”

Yeah, it says something unflattering about me that I’m still reading this stupid thing.

Anyway, that’s it for this week.  Tune-in next week for the thrilling conclusion to chapter fifteen!

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71 Comments on “836: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I’m thinking it might be all of them.

    Well, just to be sure, you could always enroll them in next year’s Upper Class Twit of the Year award…

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    They’re the only organization in this fic that’s doing anything good!

    And when the only sympathetic characters to be found in a ten-mile radius are the fucking Nazis, you know you’ve fucked up.

    I just… what is this!?

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    So what is all in the Black Suite? Pretty much any movement of Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 8, certainly. Barber’s Adagio is pretty likely too.

    It could also be Scriabin’s Black Mass Sonata:

  4. …many other kinds of malicious artillery

    So the weaponry has advanced enough to make catty comments on the other side’s Facebook page?

    • The Crowbar says:

      There will come a day, when we switch out all our weapons… For cyber-weaponry.

      New miniguns: 400,000 FB Insults Per Minute! Buy yours, only for 19.99~$!!!

  5. The Crowbar says:

    Worst. Battle. Ever.

    I mean, what the fuck is even going on?!

    WHO IS ON WHO’S SIDE?!

  6. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It was at this time, Ursula noticed, Arin had much more strength then Tesren ever had.

    *headdesk*

    Are we being trolled here? ‘Cause I’m starting to expect that Mr. Tarsus may not actually be serious with this fic…

  7. The hell are they doing defending a copse of trees? Shouldn’t they be protecting the city?!

    Well, there is a hell of a lot of city and so far just this little patch of trees.

  8. Along with the IN’s protection, they’re offering free tech-upgrades to all zombies, better pay, and free fair-trade artisan coffee will be provided every morning. The only thing they asked in return is to try to kill Arin.

    Make mine French roast!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Is this really the time to be sleeping in?

    Well, Taco, it is. Because elephant.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Come here, I’m sorry for not spending time with you on a regular basis” Buster said in his most sincere voice

    So you’re going to apologize for physically abusing him after he stumbled into the porn that you neglectfully forgot to put away, right? And you’re going to apologize to him for then having sex with Zira immediately afterward, right? Right?

    Oh wait, no, you’re the designated protagonist. You won’t do those things ’cause you’re a self-righteous prick.

    *BAM*

    Who the fuck could ever have thought this douchebag could make a good protagonist?

  11. They’re using laser sights against each other? There’s supposed to be these massive armies going up against each other; do you really need to cherry-pick your targets?

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Hey, there’s actually a lot of food here! Granted, most of it’s Taco’s and not Buster’s, but who honestly cares?

    … armored convoy last seen leaving the Dakal Resettlement Zone, but it is highly unusual that we have yet to hear a statement from Arin, usually OMEGA releases these files within an hour at most…
    … looking at a
    serious rift in the OMEGA command structure…
    … names aren’t being released but we can confirm that at least ten members of the core OMEGA research team have surrendered to the authorities and are fighting alongside the ADI’s most elite special forces…
    … truly incredible amount of manpower on display here, we’re looking at high-tech warfare on a scale we’ve simply never seen before…
    … military technology easily a generation ahead of what either we or the Russians have. Dan these PLIDAR tracking systems are a far cry from the average laser sight you or I might be familiar with, we’re looking at a multispectrum sensor that can penetrate smoke, inclement weather, most varieties of jamming, it can provide real-time positional information and IFF on up to six targets, obviously in the hands of an OMEGA cybersolder you have a
    very lethal combination…
    … The majority of OMEGA fighters are moving back to the former Sierra Leone, presumably seeking cover in what is now one of Africa’s last remaining forested areas. Several prominent environmental groups have spoken out against ADI’s management of…
    … completely trapped, ADI air forces moving in for the kill…
    … absolutely crushed, we can assume that their remaining guerrilla forces are falling back to DRZ to await a final push by the ADI…
    … General van Deern has characterized civilian casualties as “light but extant”…
    … safe to say that we’re looking at the beginning of the end of OMEGA.

  13. It’s a fucking dissertation on how to screw up pacing.

    Silly Taco; you’d have to actually have pacing in order to screw it up. This fic limps so badly I’d think someone winged it with one of those tanks.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Arin looked out through the window and saw the blood shed first hand.

    Dude, there’s injured troops who are gonna need transfusions right fucking now. You can’t just keep your blood bank in some shed somewhere, you need to refrigerate that stuff.

    God.

  15. The Crowbar says:

    Wait-wait-wait…

    I just got this relatively important question: What the fuck happened to the humans again?

    Did they all get killed?

  16. You can tell your audience anything you want, but if you show them something much, much different, they’ll call you a liar and go read something else.

    “Unless they happen to be you.”

    Yeah, it says something unflattering about me that I’m still reading this stupid thing.

    It says you’re a Librarian. We be cray-cray.

  17. leobracer says:

    *Reads the last section of the riff*

    *Leobracer begins to vibrate, his face turns red, his hair catches on fire, his eyes turn into pressure meters that turn to the right, his ears turn into steam horns that blow out an ungodly amount of steam*

    *Junps into the Battle Armor, flies off into parts unknown*

    *A nuclear explosion is seen off into the distance*

  18. leobracer says:

    *Crashes through the roof, landing on a conviently placed Crash Dummy, the Battle Armor opens up, showing a scarred Leobracer panting*

    Jesus Merciful Christ! Just how the hell did you find this fic Taco?!

  19. erttheking says:

    Fun fact. There was an 800 man mission to assassinate a North Korean target. A tree.

    http://www.cracked.com/article_19489_5-terrible-ideas-that-solved-huge-global-problems_p2.html


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