829: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Fifteen Part OnePosted: September 10, 2014 | |
Welcome back, people!
Today we start in on the big chapters. Chapter 15 is going to take at least two weeks, but probably three, and chapter 16 is going to take no less than four. These are some huge chapters; between them, they make up a full third of the fic. So it’s gonna be a bit of a haul.
Let’s see, last chapter Zira gave birth to Makini, the latest doomed child in their family. Meanwhile, Swenia gave birth to a cub of her own. While ostensibly in a mining prison. I’m not going to dwell on that too much because it makes me angry. From there, not much else happened. There was some kind of ceremony that Arin crashed and then stole the honors at. Then, he went home and masturbated himself to sleep while thinking about an old ex.
Pretty sure that’s all that happened in the last chapter. If not, then I’m glad I’ve forgotten about it.
Speaking of Swenia, how’s the chair back there?
And the larva?
“Sleeping. And he’ll be doing better than you’ll be doing if you keep calling him that.”
Somebody’s grumpy this morning. Long night?
“Oh go fuck yourself, Taco. You have two larva of your own, so you know damn well how my night went. You can go ahead and wipe that self-satisfied smirk off your face.”
What!? I’m not sm-
I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille! I’m gonna be big in show biz!
I think I’m okay now. Let’s dive into this thing!
Premium High Octane
Well, at least the author is springing for the premium gas. He may not spend much effort writing, but at least he keeps his fic topped off with high octane.
After Arin awoke from a long sleep, he went to work on his computer at his desk. “Welcome sir” the computer said in a sluggish male voice.
CRAP! It’s HAL!
“Doesn’t HAL betray his crew and kill most of them?
YAY! It’s HAL!
“Thank you for not being a dope this time” Arin said as he began work on the computer.
Insulting your computer AI is a good way to have your bank account emptied by a few hundred porn-site subscriptions.
A few minutes later, he saw the report sheets of the Computerized Wolf Division.
Ahh, the ZX80 zombie wolves. I was beginning to think Vic forgot about those.
“You keep talking about the ZX80; what the hell is it?”
“You are quite the fount of useless technological knowledge.”
“Shit. They are working against me!” Arin jumped to his feet and got to his communication panel by his door.
Always the same with wolf zombies. You make a whole mess of them and all of a sudden they’re trying to eat your brains instead of everyone else’s.
“This is Alpha Male Arin, this is how my voice sounds” Arin said into a speaker on an identifier machine. “Access granted” The computer voice said back after a few minutes.
Meh, I’ve heard worse passwords.
“Wait, didn’t he use a DB-9 connector to get in there last time?”
That was the door down the hall, this is the secret door in his office. Probably takes forever to get anywhere in Omega since every door has a different entry method.
“Sir? What is it?” A wolf on the other end asked while eating.
What the hell is the point of having a secret room with a voice controlled entrance if your minions are just going to use it as a lunch room?
“We just can’t have nice things.”
“Stop that eating and get your butt off that lounge couch you lazy jerk.
Hold on, he has door with a voice security lock… to a lounge?
“Cheaper than hiring a bouncer.”
I have to speak to Command Control” Arin said with a low growl in his voice.
And the best place to make that happen was the secret lounge?
“Sir, Yes sir!” The other wolf said and sounding like he pushed some papers aside. After a short few minutes, the large door began to squeakily open.
Sweet Armory Jesus! Another door with a different control mechanism!
“Well, if Arin is anything like Buster, he’d love having those around as an excuse not to do anything.”
Arin stepped out into a mess of food wrappings and empty beer cans.
Seriously, Vic, are you trying to paint this wolf pack as being extremely slobby and incompetent? If so, masterful job.
“Damn it! You’re a freagin pig!” Arin said kicking some beer cans out of his way.
Is he talking to himself or the beer cans?
Arin walked over to the far end door labeled with the Greek Symbol “”
I’m just going to go ahead and add “Unicode” to the list of things Vic isn’t good at.
“Either that, or it’s the Greek letter for Boxtha.”
He pushed it open and saw a younger wolf making love to another wolf.
Seriously, Arin, you should probably take the hint that none of your minions respect your leadership. Probably has something to do with you being a terrible leader.
“Oh my God! What the hell is going on in here!?” Arin asked flicking the light switch on.
It’s called sex. You see, when two wolves love each other very much, and they have some free time while they’re monitoring the com system…
“Oh Shit. Umm you better leave dear,” The male wolf said to the way younger she-wolf. After the Younger She-wolf made it passed Arin with out being hit, he walked over to his Commander of Defense.
It’s really, really bad that the story feels it necessary to tell us that Arin didn’t assault the female wolf.
“Actually, the phrasing kinda makes it seem like he tried, but she dodged.”
Fabulous. Can we switch over to the Nazis or something? I really want to see what they’re doing to try to wipe this worthless shit stain off the map.
“Explain” Was all Arin said looking down at him.
What kind of fucking explanation are you expecting, moron? If one of your soldiers is having sex in the com room while he’s supposed to be working, THERE IS NO EXPLANATION! What you do is bust his ass down to private and put him on latrine duty.
“Ummm, huumm? Uh, uh,…..” He said before Arin got really mad. “Let me guess, Prostitution.
“How the hell did he jump to THAT conclusion!?”
Judging from her age, I think it may have been Solicitor Prostitution, am I right!?” Arin yelled in his face
The fuck? What does her age have to do with her soliciting? Most freelance prostitutes solicit at some level or another, though I will admit that door-to-door prostitution is rather rare. Plus, the soldier used a term of endearment when talking to the girl, which seems to suggest that it is somebody he knows.
“Why is it so impossible for Arin to consider that this faceless, nameless soldier might just have a girlfriend younger than him who likes to have sex in risky locations? It isn’t actually all that uncommon to desire risky sex. Hell, I remember back when I was in the academy that I used to-”
Don’t want to know, Swenia.
“Y-e-s” He slowly made him self say.
“So, you normally call your prostitutes ‘dear?’ That’s Norman Bates level creepy right there.”
“Arrgh! You goof! What did you think you were doing!?” Arin yelled holding the younger wolf up off the ground by the collar of his coat.
Goof? That’s really what you’re going with?
“It’ll never happen again!” He yelled as he tried to get back on the ground.
Indeed. This is the last time he’ll forget to override your door access before having sex in the communications room.
Outlands/ 14 hours later
Meanwhile, fourteen hours later…
Buster was a little up set still after the verbal fight at home from the night before. He was about to leave his office when he received the most disturbing transmission he had ever had.
“Taco, you are one sick monkey.”
Damn it! Stop hanging around Crunchy!
“This is Alpha Male Arin of the United Omega. The INers and what seems to be the remains of the defective wolves of my pack are making a platoon of thousands of troops that are being called the Premium High Octane.
“That sounds either like a really terrible metal band, or a really good 80’s super group.
So, who would you gather to perform in Premium High Octane?
“Alice cooper, Lars Ulrich, Steve Harris, and Saul Hudson. Their debut album would be ‘Trippin’ on Nitros.'”
I’d totally buy that album.
WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! Why did it take 14 hours to send that message!?
King Buster, I have no idea what Premium High Octane stands for, but looking at the shear size of these lions and computerized wolves, it means trouble.
What!? ‘Premium High Octane’ is the acronym!?
Please send assistance as soon as possible. We are counting on you. United Omega transmission end” Buster sat in his chair looking at the vid screen on the left wall with his mouth wide open.
That was suspiciously similar to: “Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi, you’re my only hope.”
“Obi Wan handled the call for assistance way better, though. Quite a bit less slack-jawed staring.”
After a while, Buster got up and walked over to the vid screen and dialed the code number for Professor X’s office in the Royal Outland military.
Right, dude calls for help because he’s going to be attacked by super-soldiers. So who does Buster call? His head of intelligence.
Royal Outland Military
Huh, apparently it’s not only an organization, but also a location. Go figure.
Professor X was kissing a lioness that had come to love him as a mate.
DOES NOBODY RESPECT THEIR PLACE OF BUSINESS IN THIS FIC!?
“Must be the heat season. It comes on suddenly and gets everyone all stupid with lust. I remember back in the academy-”
Still don’t wanna know.
Her name was Alicia, Paxton’s mother.
Ahh, so now we finally arrive at the reason Alicia was put into the fic.
PX looked away from Alicia and saw a message from King Buster on his vid screen.
“I do hope that message is, ‘Get back to work, Casanova.'”
“Shit. Not now” PX moaned.
I hate it when work suddenly an inexplicably needs to happen in the middle of the work day.
Alicia opened her eyes and saw the message and sighed. “Oh, well” PX said leaning back into his chair from kissing Alicia. PX then ran his hand through her hair and got up. “Yes sire?” He asked as he activated the vid screen.
“Dude, your left your web cam on. Nice moves, by the way.”
“I need you to send 12 thousand troops to the United Omega front to prevent an attack of lions and wolves known as Premium High Octane” Buster said with some duty in his voice.
Wow, this dude has all kinds of things in his voice! Today it’s duty!
“Seems he has everything but emotion in that voice.”
“12 thousand? Is that kinda steep?” PX asked as he tried to hide Alicia from being seen.
Dude, you’re at war with a civilization that has a population in excess of 27 million people in one of their cities alone. If you can’t muster 12 thousand troops against that, you’re in far more trouble than the fic thinks you are.
“Yes 12 thousand is what I want sent, understood?” Buster asked trying to look beyond PX’s attempts to hide some thing.
“No tanks or aircraft or anything?”
Buster doesn’t believe in such prosaic things.
“He must not believe in winning, either.”
“Yes sire, I’ll send them. Oh and one thing. I have to bring this up sooner or later. I want your sister in-law to be …..my mate” PX said crossing his fingers behind his back.
Two things. First, Alicia is Buster’s sister-in-law, you don’t need his fucking permission to be in a relationship with her. The only person’s permission you need is hers. Second, what are you, ten?
Buster looked at him in shock then strangely nodded his head.
“WHAT THE FUCK!!?”
Whoa, settle down-
“Stuff it, Taco! This pile of dried smegmal discharge has the fucking audacity to approve of this union after what he did to me!? I was at least with another species of cat! But these two? You’ve got a monkey and a lion going at it, AND BUSTER IS FUCKING OK WITH THAT! No trying to break up the relationship, no trying to force Alica into a rape-based mating of racial purity, no threats to lock either of them up, not a damn thing! Why? Because in this case the male asked him if it was okay. The fucking sexist pig! I should have gutted him like a gazelle when I had the chance.”
No argument here.
“You got me. Stupid name whoever they are.”
Tesren was in the living room of his home when he saw a huge train engine with treads pull up in front of his lawn.
That’s what you get for building your house on train-tracks, stupid.
He ran outside and saw two suite cases on the steps outside of the front door.
They sell luxury suites in cases now!?
“Hell yes they do. I picked up a 24 pack just yesterday.”
Ursula then pushed him aside with out any signs of tears in her eyes.
That’s an odd observation. Does she usually cry when she gets a case of suites?
She then picked up the suite cases and walked over to the large tank. Tesren followed behind her.
“I have no idea what the hell is going on here.”
Wait, maybe it’s the other kind of suite. Like a ‘Bach in a Box’ as it were. They’re asking her to perform on the train!
“That still doesn’t make any sense.”
Then a metal door opened and there stood a wolf with a clipboard.
Is it me, or have we suddenly shifted over to The Polar Express?
Name?” he called out. “Ursula” Ursula replied with harshness in her voice.
We get it, people can put all kinds of things in their voices in this fic. So can we try some emotion or something?
The wolf in the door way moved aside and then out of the blackness of the void of the tank, a figure emerged wearing a gray military uniform that went down to the middle of the thighs. The figure was wearing a pair of pants that were plastered with light and dark gray patterns. He moved father ahead and was wearing a thick leather belt that had the symbol of “A” on the buckle. Many military medals lined the left side o the uniform near his neck. On the collars of the uniform sat two pins with a lightning on them.
Hey look, Arin gets some clothing porn.
“Vague clothing porn.”
Pretty impressive that Vic actually managed to do clothing porn while still failing to describe anything in a specific way.
Arin stepped onto the metal platform in front of him. Ursula looked up at him unsure with the decision she made.
You’re fucking going to go there, aren’t you fic?
“I here by make, Ursula, to join me in mateship as my mate” Arin said proudly.
Aww hell. Wanna handle this one, Swenia?
“How about you ask somebody who didn’t push a football-sized cub out of her crotch in the last 7 days.”
[One extremely violent scene involving unicorn cannons later]
How the crap did she get enough unicorns together for a Gatling-style cannon, anyway?
“Probably that unicorn cloning facility she has down on level 82. She’s even been able to get some nightmares cloned successfully down there too. Her team should be nearing completion of the nightmare plasma accelerator.”
“You, um, didn’t hear it from me.”
“Uh?” Ursula asked as she scratched here arm.
The correct response was, ‘Hell no,” and then running as fast as you can.
“Ursula, Arin used ancient Greek to say this.
Just because you narrate yourself in third person as doing something, it doesn’t mean you actually did it.
“Sure it does, said Swenia in Aramaic.”
I here by call upon, Ursula, to join me in mateship as my mate” The other wolf said as he stood up straight to attention.
*The darkwraiths launch a plasma-phase nightmare into the hall. Screams and whinnying follow*
Wow, that’s just… wrong.
Anyway, that’s still not a question.
“Oh noes! He’s using the magical power of Greek to compel her!”
What is with all this Greek, anyway? They’re anthropomorphic wolves born out of a Russian program to make lion hybrids. All of whom are now living in Africa. Where the hell is all this Greek coming from?
“Do you except?” Arin asked while his paws were crossed over his belt buckle.
I take great exception to this whole setup. Mostly because Ursula is already mated with Tesren, who is standing right there not doing jack shit. I mean, their relationship has in no way been developed at all, so it’s possible Ursula is supposed to be unhappy in the union, but since neither her nor Tesren have any personality, this who scene rings of a woeful attempt at a love triangle that has fallen completely flat.
“Primarily because Arin is a totally unlikable dick-bag.”
Yeah, that doesn’t help at all. What’s with his groin salute anyway?
“I’m telling you, heat season. Ya’ see, when I was in the aca-”
“Umm? Yes” Ursula said very slowly.
WHY!? Why on Earth would you say yes? This is the guy who practices the cyborg version of necromancy. He has a program that produces WMDs! His national anthem is, and I quote: “ANGER, HATE, MAD, TRECHERIOUS AND UNFORGIVING Is We.” Why in the name of crap would you say yes to that!? Tesren may be a blank slate of a character with the same personality as a glass of water, but he’s way better than a guy who in his best moments seems like a psychotic, abusive asshole! You would be better off mating yourself to a barrel cactus.
Tesren then turned away and walked in the opposite direction.
“He would get on very well with my ex.”
How is lemon-boy, anyway?
“Tesren? I have made up my mind, you are never there for me! So in turn I’ll never be there for you! Arin is your older brother and needs me more than you ever needed me!
Vic, you know why this feels like it’s coming the hell out of nowhere? It is because you haven’t shown us a damn thing about Ursula’s and Tesren’s relationship.
This is like the very best example I’ve seen of why you need to actually show stuff. There’s no involvement here. We’ve never seen anything on these two. We haven’t seen them having marital troubles, we haven’t seen them fighting, we haven’t seen Tesren womanizing, we haven’t seen any troubles in the bedroom, there’s been no instance of Tesren letting Ursula down, we haven’t seen them disagree on having children, we haven’t seen Tesren being abusive, we haven’t seen Ursula pining after the sweetheart of her past, we haven’t seen Ursula being unhappy and feeling trapped, we haven’t seen a damn thing! The only, ONLY person who we’ve seen headed for a domestic collapse is Buster, and that’s been downplayed to the point of insulting single-celled organisms.
Let’s just finish this scene and get out of here.
Arin take me from this place and lets be a great nation” Ursula said to Tesren then faced Arin who was smiling when she said she’d join with him in mateship.
“I think you need more than 2 people to make a great nation, sweetie.”
Speaking of nation, isn’t Arin’s under the immediate threat of attack. Does he really have time for this right now!?
“Well it is heat season and he rolled up in a train-tank. Maybe they’re planning to consummate on the field of battle.”
This is where Eryn got her idea for To Love Another Soul, isn’t it? They’re gonna have sexy times all over an eagle by the end of this thing, aren’t they?
“Oh I sure hope not. Speaking of sex on an eagle, when I wa-”
DON’T WANT TO KNOW!
“Then so be it. Ursula, come with me to your new home” Arin said holding out his paw.
Living in a train-tank seems kinda like a move down in the world of realty.
“But it’s like an RV with treads!”
Yeah, still doesn’t sound that great.
Ursula dropped her suitcases and grabbed onto Arin’s paw.
OOOOH! Those were suitcases! Still doesn’t explain why Ursula’s baggage was packed and on the stoop. Was she expecting Arin to roll up in a Train-Tank, or does she just like keeping the luggage on the porch?
The other wolf then stepped onto the grass and picked up Ursula’s luggage. Arin held onto Ursula’s paw until they got in the recreation room of the tank.
Why the hell would you put a rec room in a tank?
“More importantly, why would you live in something that is likely to see front-line combat?”
He then kissed Ursula on the cheek and seated her in a leather love couch.
Wasn’t there a force of darkness heading this way or something?
“You mean the 80’s metal super-group?”
He then walked to the other end of the room and picked up a phone.
It’s really not very flattering when your significant other gets distracted by Angry Birds during sexy times.
“Especially since you can easily incorporate Angry Birds as a kinky sex game. Granted, it’s a good idea to put your phone in a bag or something before you start. Just don’t expect to get triple stars on any level above ten without some chafing.”
GAH! Why do you keep telling me these things!?
“Eliza is right, you are really fun to mess with.”
“Ok, guys, Home ward we go!” he triumphantly yelled into it.
The tank then started to turn then pick up speed toward the United Omega boarder.
And with that, the first part of chapter fifteen comes to a close. I’d go further, but I’m starting to lose the will to live.
“My son is due to wake from his nap soon anyway.”
Speaking of which, did you ever pick out a name?
“Not as yet. Having a hard time deciding on anything.”
Well, it’s gotta be something Swahili and preferably something with a pertinent meaning. Bah, I got nothing.
“Maybe we could ask the patrons.”
You want our patrons to name your baby?
“Not directly. I mean, at least they can give me some ideas, right?”
I think this is a bad idea, but I suppose you can go for it.
“All right, Patrons, I leave it up to you. I need Swahili male name suggestions for a half-lion half-leopard cub. Also, anyone who suggests something along the lines of Half-Breed or Cher WILL get their faces eaten.”
You heard her. Leave your suggestions in the comments. Until next week, patrons!