815: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Thirteen Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to the second half of the thirteenth chapter of A Jedi’s Destiny.  The first half of the chapter mostly featured a new Awesome McEvil, Arin, and his pack of cyber-zombie wolves.  No, I’m not making that up.

The chapter didn’t really do much else.  The audience was informed that Arin is essentially an unstable necromancer who uses technology to bring the people he kills back to life.  Seriously, that’s what is in the first half of the chapter.  The IN, pissed that they didn’t think of necromancy first, decide to attack Arin with hundreds of planes, tanks, boats, whatever.  They’re also sending ground troops, which is something I wouldn’t do if my opponent just happened to be made stronger when provided with fresh dead, but whatever, I’m not leading the IN, Slazenburger is.

We left off as the force was approaching Arin, who decided to pick the minutes leading up to the battle to test his as-yet unsuccessfully tested wings.  Because I guess it’s badass to risk falling off a balcony for the sake of prototype testing.

Onward to part 2!

Buster was driving Tesren and Ursula to the boarder to meet their people when a stray cruise missile struck the side of the road.

It’s just good business to take on a boarder when you’ve got the extra room.  Even if you do have to risk a cruise missile now and then, the help with paying the bills is more than worth it.

“Holy Crap!” Buster yelled trying to turn away from the explosion. The car crashed into a light post.

Smooooth driving, Buster.

Buster got out and helped Tesren and Ursula to safety.

“Man, I can’t believe you let me drive.  See what happens when you do that?”

“What the hell was that, Buster!?” Tesren asked franticly.

That was Buster, “driving.”  See what happens when you let him do something? He screws it up. So it’s best not to let him attempt stuff.

That my friend was an INer cruise missile. Damn it! They are attacking again?!” Buster yelled in a crying type voice.

You know, Vic, if you’re gonna dodge “said” at least put more effort into it than that.  I mean, I can’t even make fun of that because it’s just so pathetic.

“BEEEEP BEEEEP” Busters cell phone rang scaring the crap out of him.

*GONG*

What is it with onomatopoeia all of a sudden?  We spend 3 years riffing with barely any at all, and suddenly within the last six months we’ve been buried in the damn stuff.

“What the hell do you want!?

Hey, Buster, it’s Taco.  Just making sure you’d answer your phone.

What a damn relief! Whew!

Well, I guess so.  I mean, the IN is attacking, so that sucks, but at least it isn’t me, right?

So who are they attacking instead?

Uhh, hate to tell you, but kinda… well… you.  That’s why I’m calling.  Helps get a bead on your location when the cell towers have an active connection to your phone.

Your joking! Right?

Um, no.  You know that cruise missile that just missed you… totally my bad.  Once they get you out of that place they’re going to give me a portion of the land as reward.  Pretty cool, huh?

They are going to kill the innocent she wolves and pups just for land?!

Look, I talked it over with the IN and they were very sympathetic to the wolves.  All you need to do is get out of range of them so the explosion only kills you.  After that, they’ll pitch the wolves the same basic alliance agreement that you gave them and everything should be peachy.

Well to hell with the International Nazi Pride!

Hey now, just because they want you dead is no reason to be hateful.  I mean, a lot of people want you dead, so it’s not really something that’s uncommon or anything, right?

Get ready for a full over blown attack this instance!”

Well, yeah, that’s kind of the point.  Which is why you should be putting some distance between you and the civilians right now.  If you start running at full pelt, you can probably get a whole quarter of a mile out of town before the missile hits.  Try to run in a straight line, though, I’d hate to miss again; these missiles are expensive.  Anyway, it’s been fun talking.  Ciao.

*Taco presses the launch button*

I’m sure not gonna miss that guy.

As Buster slowly closed the phone up, Ursula gave him a concerned look. “Oh no, it’s not your pack guys, it’s a pack known as the United Omega. It’s Arin’s pack” Buster assured her then looked at his watch.

Uhh, how many innocent women and children can there possibly be in a pack consisting of zombie cyber-wolves?  I mean, yeah, if Arin really is going to be evil he’ll be killing absolutely everyone and zombifying them, so there has to be some kids and women in the mix. But, once you’re a zombie, everyone else sorta stops worrying about your well-being, even if you are just a kid zombie.

Buster looked down the road behind them and saw a semi coming.

Little known fact: wild semi-trucks are attracted to missile explosions.  Most vehicles are spooked by them, but semis go right for the blast.

Buster stepped out on the road waving his hands.

Quick!  There he is, hit him!  He’s not even trying to dodge!

After the semi came to a stop, Buster asked the driver to take Tesren and Ursula to the boarder.

The boarder’s name is Hanz, by the way.  A nice German man who cooks some of the best schnitzel you’ll ever taste.  He pays early and likes to read.  Ideal boarder if ever there was one.

After a few minutes of waiting for the driver to make room, Buster shook Tesren’s paw and gave Ursula a kiss on the forehead.

Uh, dude, you just met them yesterday. Keep your lips to yourself.

The he pressed a small button on his watch and a large apache chopper rose from the horizon.  After it landed, Buster got in and then waved bye to Tesren and Ursula as he put a communication link over his ears.

If you can call a helicopter at the push of a button then WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU TAKING A CAR!?

Also, for the record, Apaches only have room for 2 people: a pilot and a gunner.  So what the hell was an apache doing in the air with only a pilot!?  Just flying around waiting for buster to push a button?  Is that really something he has his pilots do in a time of war?  What a self-centered douchecanoe.

In Chopper

Lucky Chopper.

After the chopper was underway, Buster started to talk.

well-crap-cow-fence

“Now then, General Dekengeo, lets get this chopper to the action, now!” Buster ordered.

Dude, it’s flying as fast as it can.  What else do you want this thing to do?  Jump through time so you can be there instantaneously?

Vic, if this thing jumps through time or I’m gonna unleash the gonglauncher.

Wait a minute, it’s General Dekky flying this thing?  Dude, you really need to work out your military chain of command.  If you’ve got a General flying an attack helicopter, then you’re either really strapped for people, or promoting way too many people to the top ranks.

“Sir, yes sir!” Dekengeo replied as he increased the throttle to full.

So apparently Dek was just gonna hang out in one spot waiting for cruise missiles to hit them.  Actually, fair enough, really.  The only people who would willingly call Buster their emperor would be noodle brains.

The chopper sore threw the sky with ease and wove threw Outland cities very immensely fast.

GODS NO!  SC, LOOK OUT!  The sky and the outlands are-

*CRUNCH*

Oof, he’ll still be feeling that when he hits the respawn point.

Buster looked out his window at the missile volley and then at the tactical display of the forward gattling gun.

Whoa, where did those come from!?  And if you can see a missile volley from your window, you’re already fucked, dude.

Dekengeo was a leopard born to a lioness that was a pioneer in leopard/lioness relationships.

Whoa, what the fuck!?  Why the hell is that in the middle of the action scene.  Also, this is the same kind of relationship that Buster thought was so amoral that he was willing to force a lioness out of a relationship with her mate and into a forced mating with a lion.  So amoral that he threatened to sentence her to solitary confinement if she didn’t obey him, which he ended up doing.  YET, his General is the product of one of these unions.  Not only that, but is considered a pioneer of that kind of mating.  So, apparently it’s OK when a male is part of one of these unions, just not when you get your hands on a female.  Especially if she’s the one with power, amirite?

*GONG*

Buster, you are an assy, hypocritical, sexist, selectively racist fucknugget!  I wouldn’t even sully myself by getting close enough to spit on you.

“So glad I’m out of that shithole.”

I see you’re still glaring past me, Swenia.

“You know it.”

Shouldn’t you be off playing with Crunchy and Eliza or something?

“I think I’d rather sit here, if that’s OK.  Not really in any condition to be gallivanting around with those two. You know. After my fight an’ all.”

I see.

Her name was Kiara former mate of Kovu.  The leopard in her life was only known as Jesto.

Again, why is this in the middle of a scene where there are missiles flying right at them!?  PACING!

AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DESTROYING CANON RIGHT NOW!?  If you’re gonna give Kiara a former mate, you really, really need to establish that instead of brining it the fuck out of nowhere in an unrelated scene that’s supposed to be full of tense action!

Jesto was killed in an attempt to kill the INers in the first attack they ever amounted on the Outlands.

What the… but it’s only been 5 years since the outland pack was formed!  How old is Dekky!?  I mean, sure, I made a point earlier that 5-year-old lions should be adults, but that isn’t how this canon is working out!  So why does Dekky here get to be an adult while Kisu is a child and Saburi is a teenager!?  You know what, time is so whibly right now it calls for one of these:

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 45

This is why having a timeline before you write is so critical, people!

Kiara cried for days on end. Kovu was not much of a help to her then and after the separation, Kovu was tried and sentenced to 30 years of a life sentence in the OPMC mining prison.

Because a Flanderized version of Kovu is much better for contrived plot than having the actual character.  Also THIRTY YEARS!?  What the fuck is up with this timeline!?

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 46

This is making Twitanic look chronologically well anchored.

Seriously, if Kovu was in your mining prison for 30 years, that makes Kisu and Saburi around 30 as well, but they aren’t!  One’s a child and the other is a teenager, despite being born around the same time, while yet another character who was born shortly before them is in his 30s.  Vic, you absolutely suck at continuity.

Now Dekengeo had forgiven Kovu, but Kiara still hated him.

Zira must be proud.  Now why did she think having more children would be a good idea?  Of the first three: one she killed, one hates her (for good reason), and the last spent 30 years in a mining prison due to [error: crimes never explained].

“Chopper homing system has picked up some rather large INer activity deep with in the United Omega pack land.

WHAT ABOUT THE MISSILES!?  It was implied they were flying right at you!  Are they just out there, circling the helicopter while they wait for your exposition to finish?

3 minutes to arrival” Dekengeo reported while fidgeting with some knobs on the control panel.

Truth be told, if I were in a cockpit, I’d totally fiddle with the knobs.

*Looks at Herr*

Don’t let me down, man.

“Increase speed now!” Buster yelled looking at the read out on the display monitor.

Dude, you’re already at max speed; did you forget the part where that happened?   Unless that doesn’t count the afterburner, which apache helicopters don’t have anyway, since it’s a helicopter and all.

Yes sir!” Dekengeo replied while switching on a switch labeled “Jet Engine Upgrade” Buster could feel him self sinking into the chair after the chopper was soaring at 500 MPH.

*Snerk*

BAHAHAAHAHAHA!

This is a troll fic, right?  I mean you can’t possibly have that many things wrong in one line and still expect to be taken seriously.  This whole fic is just a joke, right!?

Right?

It isn’t, is it?  This is supposed to be serious.

*sigh*

OK, let’s go through this thing one at a time.  First, why would you label a switch “Jet Engine Upgrade” in the cockpit of a helicopter?  That implies that flipping the switch would spontaneously upgrade something to a jet engine or, alternatively, cause the jet engine of the helicopter to be spontaneously upgraded.  If you strapped a jet engine to a helicopter, it wouldn’t be activated with a button that had “upgrade” written on it.  In fact, it would probably be labeled as a thruster or something.

Further, high-performance helicopters, like the apache, use rotors that are already driven by a jet engine, so having something labeled as “jet engine upgrade” inside the cockpit would just be doubly confusing.  Now it isn’t that much of an unthinkable thing to put a separate jet engine on a helicopter. In fact, it’s been done.  The Sikorsky XH-59A was an experimental helicopter produced by the US-Army in 1977 that used 2 jet engines to produce forward thrust.  It indeed made the helicopter go a lot faster at the cost of rapidly consuming fuel while at the same time being hard to control and take-off with.  But, even if you perfected the technology of plopping a forward thrust-producing jet engine on a helicopter, it still wouldn’t be labeled that way, and it certainly wouldn’t be a godsdamned single switch!

Additionally, 500mph is actually not all that fast.  The cruising speed of a modern civilian jet liner (such as a Boeing 737) is about 500 MPH, so I wouldn’t call that breakneck speed.  Sure, it’s fast for a helicopter, but certainly not fast enough to cause this much fuss.  It’s not even mach 1. By comparison, a Mig-21, a jet that was first put into service 1959, can fly 1,300 miles per hour.

Finally, you don’t sink into your chair AFTER you reach your cruising speed!  G-force is caused by acceleration, not by speed!

*GONG*

DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH!

On the rear of the chopper where the fuselage ended and the tail began, there were two huge large openings on the fuselage. Out of these openings, fire was shooting out making the chopper reach its top speed.

You know, at a very base level, that is actually how afterburners work.  They ignite fuel to cause faster mass ejection, producing thrust.  Even so, that description is still total shit.

United Omega Pack

I never thought I’d be this glad to see a scene change tag.

The fighting started over 20 minutes ago and Arin was trying desperately to ward off the INer lions.

By himself?  Wow, fight the good fight, dude.  Good luck against the few hundred tanks, jets, helicopters, etc.

“Ok, fire the outboard cannons!

Yeah!  Do that!

Wait, where are we that we have outboard cannons?  A boat?  Mobile fortress?  Laputa?

Activate mine fields alpha-gamma!” Arin yelled into his Comm-link.

THAT’S NOT HOW MINEFIELDS WORK, MORON!  You don’t activate them.  You put them somewhere and wait for some doof to wander onto them!

“Bring up tactical display sir, now” A wolf in a green US military uniform said while sitting at a computer terminal.

It’s 20 minutes into the battle and you’re just now bringing up the tactical display!?  Dude, you deserve a tardy slip or something.  Glad you could join us for the battle, jerk.

“good, where have they reached?” Arin asked. “The alpha minefield” The other replied.

I’d be more worried about their aircraft, then.  Save worrying too much about the ground units until they’re at least some of the way across the minefield.

The INer lions slowly walked across the minefield and then hide behind a wall.

I guess it’s not a very good minefield.  3 miles and you’ve got troops slowly making their way across it without any apparent issue.

If nothing else, shouldn’t you be shooting at them or something?  At the very least you should be standing at the top of that wall hurling insults at them.

“Ok men, load your gunz!” an old INer ordered his younger troops.

Let me get this straight, you just walked 3 miles across a minefield toward the city you’re attacking… with unloaded weapons.  ARE YOU LIONS STUPID OR SOMETHING!?

The INer troops took out their assault rifles and loaded each loaded their assault rifles with a large clip.

Son of a-

*ALARM BLARES*

Swenia, can you handle that?

“Afraid not, still tuckered from the fight with Buster.”

It’s been like 2 weeks.

“Still.  Tuckered.”

Fine.  ELIZA!  Get the AS Quixote in there!  You have clearance to use the the new Mu driver!

“Mu driver?”

It’s like the Lambda driver, but instead of feeding off the pilot’s impulses to attack or defend themselves, the Mu driver feeds off of… uh…

*Checks manual*

The pilot’s love of rocket-powered, samurai unicorns…

[Scene redacted for extreme violence]

“Impressive; she must really love rocket-powered, samurai unicorns.”

After that, I think I love rocket-powered, samurai unicorns.

“She forgot to pie you, by the way.”

I’m sure shell catch up with me later.

“Set Zem to automatic!” He said once again to them.  “Now kill zem UO’s!”

*GONG*

Remember what I told you to do with your fake German accent last chapter, Vic?  Well do it again; this time sideways.

Arin then noticed from the read out on the tactical display and from the Technician with him, that the INers were already close enough to do some major damage.

Urf.  Man these changes in perspective are really starting to make my literary sickness act up.

“I’m not feeling so good either.”

You wanna come over here and join me or something?

“Nope, you’re doing great by yourself over there.  Just improving where you need it.”

Cheeky lion.

Then out of no were the INers started to fire at the front lines.

I wouldn’t call walking leisurely across a 3 mile minefield, ducking behind a wall, loading their weapons, switching them to full-auto, and then attacking to be something that’s coming out of nowhere.  Especially since you watched them do all that.

I mean what did you think they were about to do?  Skeet shooting?

The assault rifles broke the silence of waiting and then there was complete panic through out the city.

Guess you should have positioned a few of your zombie cyber-wolves down by the walls.  Live and learn.

Do you actually have any troops or something?  Why invest in your super-command center if you don’t have anything to direct?  And really, you’re supposed to have this whole army of darkness thing going.

Heavy duty assault rifles in one place and pod guns in another.

Honestly, I would have diversified my attack lines with a more even spread of assault rifles and pod guns.

I’d also be bombing the crap out of the city with aircraft and long-range artillery instead of sending in the ground troops across a mine-field, but we can’t all be good at exterminating zombies.

Some wolf solders in a nearby store were trying to organize a route to get the cubs that were trapped there to safety.

Seriously, you guys had tons of warning.  A slow walk across a 3 mile deep mine field would have taken them at least an hour and half.   Why is this shit just happening now!?

Arin, you’re really trying to beat Buster as worst leader, aren’t you?  I mean, if you compare Arin, Buster, and President Goofy, which is the worst leader?  Honestly, it’s a hard choice since they are all completely unequipped to lead a bake sale let alone a country/empire/zombie horde.

One of the four solders ran out into the street and was shot six times in the lower back region. He then fell too his knees and fell over backwards.

I think we’re supposed to feel something here.

“Apathy?”

That’s what I’m going with.

The chopper now was over the alpha mine field and Buster was pointing and yelling at INers on it.

Who can’t hear him because he’s in a freaking helicopter.

“You got it, sire” Dekengeo yelled back.

The hell?  What the heck does he have?

“Syphilis, chlamydia, and genital warts.”

There’s a chair right here.

“This one is more comfortable and has better back support.”

Huh.

Then Dekengeo swerved the chopper into a vertical fight pattern and fired two missiles onto the minefield.

And then promptly crashed into the explosion because they’re flying 500mph straight at it from helicopter flying-height.

Like rabies, after the first two mines blew half of them exploded.

Like rabies, huh?  So, basically, after the first two mines were hit by the missile, they sat there for a while feeling perfectly fine.  Then, up to a year later, the mines gradually begin to feel unwell, with symptoms similar to cold or flu.  At some point, their condition becomes terminal and they begin to exhibit aberrant behavior.  Within a few days of terminal symptom onset, they finally lose all cognizance and become deranged.  At this point their deranged state causes them to attack other mines by exploding.  This causes infections in many of the mines caught in the blast.  Incubation of the next wave of infected mines starts the cycle over.  Several years later, the infection has spread to nearly 2% of the mines that have not been vaccinated.

Yup, quite the appropriate simile.

“It strikes me that my author may not have spent much time thinking about what he was writing.”

That’s probably why the best character spent a grand total of two and a half paragraphs in the fic before leaving it.

“Flatterer.”

Killing the INers on the minefield.

So, killing nobody, right?  Up there you just told the audience that all the ground troops had made it to the wall of the city and had begun the attack.  It’s even still on the same screen as this sentence.  In fact, it was literally four paragraphs ago.  Like, less than 3 inches above where we are right now.

After the dust settled, not one INer was stirring on the minefield. “Eat that!” Buster yelled.

Well, at least that battalion of tanks no longer has to worry about getting destroyed by the mines that were preventing them from approaching the city.  Way to go, numbnuts.

The solders in the city looked up from their attackers, and saw the hulking salvation craft.

GAH!

*Falls out of his chair, clutching his eyes and writhes on the ground*

THE PURPLE!

The Royal Outland apache chopper.

Right, the “hulking” mid-sized attack helecopter that blew up your defensive mine-field.

“Somebody fetch me an RPG, I bet I could drop ‘er in one shot.”

There’s a stack of them in Eliza’s room if you wanna run get one.

“Tuckered.  Out.”

Buster then pointed to the gate to the city. With out questions, Dekengeo let lose an endless stream of 50-mm shells from the forward gattling.

You know, now that I think about it, Arin’s pack is a rival faction to Buster’s.  If he’s trying to help the IN roll-over this city, blowing up their defenses and then knocking down the gate is a great way to make sure they go down without much fuss.  So, just to clarify with everyone.  Buster doesn’t do much, but when he does, it’s either stupid or extremely evil.

“Sounds about right.  Remind me to order a cake  for you all.  Appreciate the evac from the shit-hole Buster has going in there.”

Bullets struck INers from head to toe. After Dekengeo stopped firing, blood oozed from the remaining INers.

So wait, all the IN troops gathered at a single choke point for their assault despite having numbers and air superiority on their side?  Wow, what stupid General came up with that plan?

“Speaking of air superiority, shouldn’t a fleet of IN choppers be missiling the everliving snot out of that hulking hummingbird of salvation right about now?”

They were blown up by the minefield.

From a distance, The remaining INer forces retreated to their capital city.

Somebody just rolled a 1 on their morale check.  You have several hundred tanks and aircraft, yet a single helicopter piloted by an idiot blows up the enemy defenses then guns down your stupidly-placed ground troops, and suddenly all is lost.  Buster has the same super-power that most blackhole Stus have: extraordinarily incompetent enemies.

Just as they retreated, Buster ordered Dekengeo to fire an anti tank missile the last tank.

The last tank!?  What the hell happened to the other tanks?

“Maybe they got mine rabies?”

The AT missile flew from the barrel and completely destroyed the tank.

*Yawn*

Oh, sorry, this action scene is making my drowsy.

The chopper landed in front of the United Omega great hall where Arin was standing on the steps out side of the large metal door.  fter the chopper had completely landed, Buster got out and walked over to Arin.

So, this whole thing was just so Buster could add another profoundly evil despot to his growing alliance of darkness.

*Slow clap*

It’s pretty bad when I have to exert effort not to root for the Nazis.  My hope still rests with the Imperials, though.  As long as they’re still in the mix, I have somebody I can root for.

“But they haven’t done anything yet and they’ve only been mentioned twice in passing.”

That actually gives them a leg-up on the competition in this fic.

Arin knelt down before Buster as Buster showed his protocol.

“Ugh. Can I not have to read about Buster showing everyone his little protocol?”

Buster helped him up then shook his paw. “Sire, we shall remain your loyal subjects for all time” Arin proudly said looking into Busters eyes.

So, just so we’re all clear, the psychopathic wolf necromancer that kills people just so he can resurrect them as zombie cyborgs has just pledged allegiance to Buster.

If you all saw this coming a mile away, then you’ve been paying attention.  The basic pattern works like this: Vic introduces a new faction that isn’t allied with the Nazis,  Buster walks in, and the new faction joins up.  Rinse, lather, repeat.

Almost done, patrons, just one more scene.

Outlands

With obligatory scene tag.

In the large conference room of the Outland military, Zira and her son Dagger were hugging each other over Busters victory. Paxton was holding his mothers paw while she was quietly sleeping.

I really envy Alicia right now.

“Umm, humm, what’s happening Paxton?” Alicia asked waking up from her sleep.

Can you turn the plot down?  It’s waking people up.

“Mother, Uncle Buster won the battle over the United Omega capital city” Paxton replied with honor to his mother who still was in her wheel chair.

That’s nice, kid, b-

“That’s nice, dear ….(snore)” Paxton looked down at his mother and put his coat over her.

Well, there we go.  Somebody finally has the proper response to learning that, yet again, the blackhole Stu has emerged victorious without so much as a scratch on him.

“Sleep mother” he quietly whispered into her ear.

SHE’S TRYING!  Dude, leave her alone and let her nap.

Paxton then joined the feast at the military conference table.

Guys, guys!  Let’s take the pot luck into the mess hall, okay?  The conference table is for important military business for the ongoing war, not the wildebeest breakfast buffet.

“What would my nephew like today?” Zira asked hugging him.  Paxton gave Zira a light kiss on the cheek then sat down. “I’ll have Red INer meat, thank you.”

Holy fuck.

“Did Buster’s empire just turn all cannibalistic?”

They did.

“Holy shit did I get out of there just in time!”

You did.

“Are you okay, Taco?”

I am not.

“Maybe you should sit down.”

I am seated.

With that every started to laugh the hell out of their lungs as Paxton just smiled at his remark. “Good one Pax!” Dagger barely laughed out. “I know, I know” Paxton replied.

Oh thank the gods!  It was just an incredibly unfunny and inappropriate attempt at humor!

Little advice, Vic, stop trying to be funny.  You really, really suck at it.  Your first attempt was domestic abuse.  Cannibalism is maybe a step up from there, but not by a lot.

“Now then, what would you really like, Paxton?” Zira asked again snickering. “Oh just some old fashion Zebra, Aunt Zira” Paxton politely asked.

How about you?

“I’ll just have a virgin old-fashioned.”

Virgin?

“I don’t wanna fall alseep during the last paragraph.”

Fair enough.

You do know that a virgin old-fashioned is just sugar water with a twist of lemon, right?

After every one was feed well, Buster returned home.

Hah!  Missed the feast, sucker!

“That’s rather petty of you, Taco.”

It’s still the high-road compared to Buster.

He was greeted by a lot of cheers from most of the military personnel and lots of hugs from Zira and Dagger. After the commotion died down, Buster woke up Alicia. “Wake up, Alicia. I had pay back today” Buster whispered into her ear.

*Sigh*

A few chapters ago Buster swore to get revenge for Alicia.  But, when he finally does get that revenge, it’s his pay back, not hers.  Everything just has to be about the fucking Stu, doesn’t it.

“Hmm, leave me alone Paxton, Mom’s tiered” Alicia lazily said keeping her eyes closed.

I really envy her ability to sleep through just about anything.  Mostly because it means she could potentially sleep through the rest of this fic.

“You better leave her alone dear” Zira said rubbing Buster’s shoulders.

Yeah! Why doesn’t anyone else think this news can wait?  Let the poor woman finish her damn nap!

Buster turned around and hugged Zira and gave her a long kiss. “Oh what’s this? Is that our new cub inside of you Zira?” Buster asked feeling Zira’s fairly round stomach. “Yes Buster, it is” Zira replied and gave Buster another kiss.

And you’ll be just as shitty of parents to that poor spawnling as you were the first.

“Gotta feel for that little cub.  I plan to do a much better job.”

Too right.

Anyway, that’s finally the end of chapter thirteen!  Until nex-

*Candlenut pied*

Told you she’d remember.

“I shall never doubt again.”

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112 Comments on “815: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Thirteen Part Two”

  1. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Man, I can’t believe you let me drive. See what happens when you do that?”

    He… attempts to drive with a blood alcohol content of 0.154?

  2. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “BEEEEP BEEEEP” Busters cell phone rang scaring the crap out of him.

    *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

    When will these authors learn!?

  3. Herr Wozzeck says:

    What a self-centered douchecanoe.

    Taco, are you really surprised in any way?

  4. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Vic, you absolutely suck at continuity.

    Well, he also sucks at telling a plot, so are you really that surprised?

  5. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Truth be told, if I were in a cockpit, I’d totally fiddle with the knobs.

    THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

    *bows*

  6. The Crowbar says:

    “The IN, pissed that they didn’t think of necromancy first, decide to attack Arin with hundreds of planes, tanks, boats, whatever. They’re also sending ground troops,”

    *snort*

    Where I come from, the IN would be called total, and utter n00bs, or Feeders.

    Because from personal Warcraft 3 custom maps experience, you do NOT fight Zombies on their own turf!

    You build giant-ass walls, train all soldiers to either use long-range weaponry, explosive weaponry, or weaponry with an excessively fast rate of fire and large clips.

    If you HAVE to go for melee, then get long blades. Attacking a zombie with a trench knife is fucking suicide.

    So yeah’, hide all your people behind giant-ass walls with something ontop that will have 100% guarantee of preventing zombies from climbing over it, and then wait for them to deplete the hordes trying to get in, and voila: Victory!

    • TacoMagic says:

      And these guys have planes. The best way to deal with a zombie horde when you have it available is aerial bombardment.

      Orbital bombardment is preferable, of course, but I wasn’t seeing any space ships in the IN’s possession.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well these aren’t really zombies in the conventional sense- they’re soldiers with heavy cybernetic modification, who just happen to be made from reanimated enemy corpses. If Omega is the techno-terrorist-y faction I’m thinking it is, they likely can’t field too many troops do to not having a real population, and regardless each cybersoldier is going to represent a significant investment of resources. That makes me think they are less a horde than a small number of relatively tough units.

      Now, sending in lots of ground troops to feed them is still a horrible idea, especially for the ADI/IN, which I always thought of as relying on asymmetrical tactics using loads of highly-disciplined but still fairly cannon-foddery troops. I’m just not sure airstrikes would particularly help, and Omega would still be able to fight back effectively.

      • TacoMagic says:

        But that’s the Omega as it could be as seen through the lens of factions that have pulled that off.

        This is the Omega that has built their cyber-soldiers out of spare 1980s computer parts. The same cyber-soldiers who are killed by a handful of bullets to the lower-back.

        I’m thinking air-strikes would be rather effective against this foe.

        Heck, a tank with a few super-soakers strapped to it is probably all you really need.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Well given the tactical understanding displayed by characters so far, I’m pretty sure that “canon” Omega, along with every single other faction in Africa, could be brought low by one reasonably literate nightclub bouncer armed with a rusty X-acto knife.

  7. The Crowbar says:

    And also, why do all their leaders suck so much…?

  8. Herr Wozzeck says:

    On the rear of the chopper where the fuselage ended and the tail began, there were two huge large openings on the fuselage. Out of these openings, fire was shooting out making the chopper reach its top speed.

    So either Buster and Dek powered straight through the missiles, or Vic was so busy trying to dump a tun of exposition in totally the wrong place that he forgot the missiles were there.

    Either way, epic fail!

  9. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I mean what did you think they were about to do? Skeet shooting?

    Well, I mean, the disc launchers are right there…

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    One of the four solders ran out into the street and was shot six times in the lower back region. He then fell too his knees and fell over backwards.

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “It strikes me that my author may not have spent much time thinking about what he was writing.”

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Wow, what stupid General came up with that plan?

    Probably the same guy who allowed this to happen:

  13. leobracer says:

    You call THAT a battle?

    I can write a better battle than that!

  14. Buster yelled in a crying type voice.

    Dude, you are trying way too hard – which is odd since you’re one of the laziest authors in the Library.

  15. The car crashed into a light post.

    I saw the whole thing; that lightpost came out of nowhere! You should sue.

  16. The boarder’s name is Hanz, by the way. A nice German man who cooks some of the best schnitzel you’ll ever taste. He pays early and likes to read. Ideal boarder if ever there was one.

    The crotchless leather lederhosen take some getting used to, but he’s always willing to help with the dishes so you learn to cope.

  17. The pilot’s love of rocket-powered, samurai unicorns…

    That reminds me, I have a Samurai Jack/MLP crossover in my stack somewhere. I should look for that.

  18. Wait, the helicopters were destroyed by the minefield? Even I know that’s bullshit.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    … intense air and ground combat continued today, when United African Union peacekeeping troops launched what is being described as a “full-scale assault” on the Dakal Resettlement Zone, now believed to be the primary base of operations for the international cyber-terrorist group Omega.Accusations of reckless disregard for civilian life in the area have been leveled against UAU military coordinator General Thomas Endesha, following the release of footage appearing to depict….

    … Tanya, we are getting confirmation now from Johannesburg that Charles Buster was sighted by UAU aircraft heading towards the DRZ, but details are still sketchy about whether or not he was the primary target of the cruise missile strike. We know that Charles Buster is a slumlord, he is an open advocate of racial segregation, he is an arms dealer and one of the international community’s most-wanted, but we have very little input on whether any of the UAU member states consider him a priority over truly international threats, or for that matter the ongoing refugee crisis that lead to many of the surviving African nations declaring martial law three years ago…

    … United States and Imperialist -sorry, sorry, Multinational United- sources are vehemently denying ownership of the prototype Jet Upgraded Assault Helicopter believed to have been stolen by Outland Empire fighters. In other news, MNU’s stock climbed 2 points today in an unexpected rally, the first of its kind since the rise of the rogue Microsoft R&D division now calling itself Omega. …

    … Russian intelligence sources are now characterizing UAU Operation Full Circle as a complete rout, largely due to the unexpected arrival of the American JUAH prototype now known to have fallen into Outland Empire hands. Military officials are of course being very tight-lipped about this, but Cheryl I think it’s safe to say that the prospect of an Outland Empire – Omega alliance will be keeping a lot of people awake at night. More at eleven.

    • TacoMagic says:

      WHY CAN I LIKE THIS ONLY ONCE!?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Oh yes, and some musical accompaniment for the UAU/Omega fracas:

      And the resulting Omega victory:

      (I like the Tib. Sun. music for Omega, especially Firestorm- it’s very “blitty” and electronic…)

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Ok, I no longer like “United African Union” for the IN. It’s redundant.

      Let’s just cut to the chase and call them the African Defense Initiative.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Hey, whatever happened to Arin’s brother with the superfluous nigh-vision eyes?

      He was going to be a disgruntled Special Forces ‘vet blinded during the Gulf War, and one of the first people Dr. Arin cyborged (first who survived, anyway), back when Omega was still called the Unconventional Technologies Division, and would have been both a key point of friction that drove them away from their patron (worked in the California refugee slums with the rest of the private military contractors, did… weird things while he was there), and a key figure in making sure they got out of Palo Alto ahead of MNU thugs when Microsoft tried to shut them down.

  20. I like Swenia. She is quite the Little Miss Sassypants.

  21. fledglinghuman says:

    You know, Vic, if you’re gonna dodge “said” at least put more effort into it than that. I mean, I can’t even make fun of that because it’s just so pathetic.

    Oh yes you can. BRING ON THE COMPARISONS TO FIRST GRADE WRITING ASSIGNMENTS. SHOW NO MERCY.

  22. leobracer says:

    In Transformers: Fall of Cybertron, one of the missions has you playing as a Decepticon that can transform into a Helicopter with jet boosters on it.

  23. X Equestris says:

    Interestingly enough, cannibalism is pretty common amongst lions. When a male takes over a pride, he kill, and sometimes eats, all of the former leaders’ cubs. And current leaders are perfectly willing to kill males that come sniffing around their territory.

    Realistically, Buster should have been killed or driven far away a long time ago. But that couldn’t happen, because our Stu couldn’t show off then.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s also pretty common among omnivore primates, especially following turf wars. That is probably where human cannibalism originated.

      That said, I would expect more from a lion society that has been elevated to the modern age, just as I expect more from just about any sentient species at the same level.

      Then again, once somebody is dead, I guess the only reason you shouldn’t eat them is the whole “extreme neurological diseases” thing.

      *Shrug*

      I was more taken aback at how sudden and the hell out of nowhere the cannibalism reference came from. That’s one of those things you want to build up to. Especially within the group who are ostensibly the “good” side.

      • X Equestris says:

        One would think that they would have phased it out. However, they have been just recently uplifted to sentience and modern technological levels, where as humans had a more gradual slide into sentience and technology. I could see it both ways. People don’t usually use the idea of cannibalism in such a casual manner, even in comedy.

        • TacoMagic says:

          Fair enough. It could certainly be an emergent cultural point that was derived from sudden elevation.

          Actually, in the hands of a really good writer, this could be a very compelling plot point that would add depth to the race and to the idea that you’ll get unforeseen cultural strife when you elevate a species. Such a point could create quite a bit of tension and conflict, both with other species and within the race itself. Man, the more I think about it the better it would work as a plot device.

          Unfortunately, in the hands of Victor, it just came off as a teenager raised in a military state acting bloodthirsty to get laughs.

  24. infinity421 says:

    ohgodno
    plsfimfictionno
    whatisthis

    http://www.fimfiction.net/story/134449/a-ghost-for-equstira

    To quote the Imperial Guard Sergeant from Dawn of War upon breaking morale:

    “SOMEBODY HELP ME!”
    “ONLY A FOOL WOULD STAY!”

    SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE BOLLOCKING HELL?! THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I STARTED WRITING!
    AND THAT’S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING!


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