808: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Thirteen Part One

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Greetings, dear patrons, and welcome back to A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares ask the question: is it possible for the protagonist to be pitted against a group of Nazi’s, and still not be the one we root for?

So far, the answer has been: yes, yes it is.

At this point, most of the chapters start getting extremely long, so, unfortunately, I’ve got to start splitting them up into multiple parts.  My condolences to you all.

Anyway, let’s get started.

Chapter 13

Buster’s Pay Back

Outlands

Um, his payback for what, precisely?  Most of the evil things that have happened in this fic have come from Buster, so I’m not sure who he can reap some vengeance on.  Maybe the last time he got Starbucks the coffee wasn’t hot enough?  Seems enough reason for Buster to go back there and beat up a few baristas before arresting them and sentencing them to forced hard labor.

Buster woke up the next morning to the noise of talking coming from the kitchen.

“Listen, kid, I think you’d be better off coming with us.  Being raised by wolves has to be a lot better than being raised by that jackass.”

As he got up, he noticed that Tesren was still sleeping on the hide-a-bed couch.

If Buster tries to steal some wolfy snuggles with Tesren, I’m out.

Buster woke Dagger up and sent him to help his mother in the kitchen.

Yeah, 5-year-olds are a super useful to have around when you’re trying to cook, or do other stuff.  Big help there, jerk.

Then Buster got a shower going and had a short refreshing shower.

I hope we get to see him use the toilet and brush his teeth next.  I am just on the edge of my seat!

After he got out of the bathroom, Tesren was siting up yawning and taking a big stretch. Buster walked over to him. “How did you sleep? Well I hope?” Buster asked as he picked up his wire frame glasses off the coffee table. “It was alright. Except the fact that there were some lions in this place snoring like hell” Tesren said looking up at Buster.  “Har har. I snore, Zira snores and Dagger snores” Buster said laughing quietly. “Now you tell me, gees!” Tesren laughed out.

You know, in comparison to the trivialization of the holocaust, the domestic abuse, the racism, and the assault on a prisoner, I’ve become rather appreciative of pointless, puerile scenes where absolutely nothing happens.  They feel familiar and safe.

“Breakfast is on!” Zira hollered into the living room. Buster picked up some of the newspaper and went into the kitchen.

*Snags the rest of the newspaper and hides it*

He’ll be distracted all day wondering what happened to the rest of his newspaper.

Tesren got up and followed. “How’s Buster this fine morn? Hum?” Zira asked rubbing his shoulders.

“This fine morn?”  Who talks like that?  Is Zira working the Renaissance fair this year and trying to get in character?

“Good luv, how are you doing Ursula?” Buster replied and asked as he sat down into his favorite chair.

“Positively dreadful.  My spleen is flaring up something awful this morning; I think it has something to do with the small carrack jammed into it.”

“Umm, good, ummm..” Ursula tried to say but buster cut in. “Let me guess. The snoring kept you awake? Right?” Buster asked as he put the newspaper down on the table.

I’m not really sure why the fic keeps brining up the snoring thing.  Maybe Vic thinks it’s funny?  I mean, he does suck at humor, so it makes sense that he would mistake references to a relatively common sleep pathology to be funny.

“Why yes, you and Zira snore like hell!” Dagger then sat down at the table and added his two cents. “And don’t forget me” He said as his Zira put a plate of Zebra roast in front of him.

Wow, Dagger takes pride in his snoring.  That’s pretty messed up.  Then again, his family life is pretty fucked, so it’s probably just a cry for attention.

“Thank you mom” He said looking in Zira’s Compassion filled eyes. “Your welcome son. Eat up” Zira said with a smile.

The “happy family” act that they’re putting on for their guests disturbs me greatly.

“Yeah eat up boy” Buster said as he remembered a hissy fit Dagger had when he was only 18 months old.

Oooooo…kay?  What does that have to do with anything?  Is this sudden reminiscence important?  Can you at least fill us in on the particulars?  18-month-olds throw a LOT of fits for various reasons on a daily basis.  I mean, contextually, I’m sure it has something to do with food, but the audience needs a bit more than that.

Care to unpack this whole thing for us, Vic?

“I will! Don’t have a crap over it” Every one at the table then looked at Dagger.

Or we’re just gonna skip it and move on.  Apparently that random memory is none of our business.  Glad Vic decided to pointlessly bring it up.

“Hey Boy, what about I kick your ass” Buster said in a low sarcastic tone.

This father-son exchange is what we call a warning sign.  I hope the wolves are at least a little concerned about what they’re seeing.

“Buster! We have company!” Zira snapped at Buster.

DON’T BREAK THE FAÇADE!

“Eat them snot balls Dad!” Dagger hilariously laughed out.

Once again, authors, if you have to tell your audience that something is funny, it probably isn’t.

“Dagger! Watch that mouth of yours!” Zira snapped.

This is the time in a meal where, as a guest, I start looking for excuses to leave.  Preferably before I witness, or become the victim of, a felony.

Tesren then started to laugh like there was no tomorrow.

Huh, wolves are into the drama of abusive family life.  Who would have guessed?

Soon, Ursula joined in. Buster and Zira looked at one another then looked at Tesren and Ursula laughing their asses off.

This is some kind of uncomfortable tableau of potentially violent mental illness.  I feel quite disturbed.

What?!” Buster said. “This is just like our place! HA HA HA HA HA HA” Tesren laughed and snorted as he tried to answer Buster.

*Taco adds Tesren and Ursula’s house as a place to never, ever visit.*

Later Buster was holding Zira while watching TV.

The scene is better if you picture either a fireman hold or a full nelson.

Tesren and Ursula were looking out the window.

Buster and Zira are masters at creating that uncomfortable environment that makes your guests stare listlessly out a window.

Buster then was interrupted by a phone call. “What?………Yeah sure Arin was working with us, why do want to know?……………..Oh, so he is a former member of the Dorgana Pack” Tesren and Ursula turned their heads the second Buster said Dorgana Pack.

Hey look, it’s the psychopath.  Oh, and Arin’s being mentioned again, too.

“No, ummm, just wait. Tesren? Was Arin a Sigma or an Omega?” Buster asked.

Ahh, the age old author adage: when in doubt, Greek.

“He was an Omega. But he betrayed us just to have some new flashy technology and he wanted Ursula as his mate.” Tesren said holding Ursula ever closer.

Well, if he was an Omega, then there was never any chance of that happening.  They’re basically the pack beating-bag.  Not sure why any wolf worth their salt would let an Omega member near anything important.  Then again, I’m getting the distinct impression that neither Tesren nor Ursula are worth their salt.

“He was an Omega General D…………….Oh so he has made his own Pack?

Huh, turns our we already knew that.  You remember where you mentioned he had his own pack dedicated to killing stuff because capslock?

A what now?…………….Well this couldn’t have happened at a better time!

That’s amazing!  Massive diarrhea is almost never well timed!

Sure he can………Ok then I have to go now, good bye……….” Buster hung the phone up then he walked over to Ursula who was giving Buster a strange look.

I have a feeling that, despite the last chapter painting him as essentially an unstable terrorist, Arin is about to join up with Buster.  Yet more proof that Buster’s empire is not the one we should root for.

“It’s ok Ursula, he has barley any memory of any thing any more” Buster said putting a paw on her shoulder to relax her.

That could be reassuring provided we had any kind of context.  However, we don’t, so the lack of memory comes off as potentially a very, very bad thing.

“What? Memory?” Ursula asked with a more confused look.

Ahh, yes, we often forget that the characters are extraordinarily stupid in this fic.

Ursula, memory is the recollection of past events or information.  When you remember what you had for breakfast, that’s a kind of memory.

Of note, Arin apparently can’t do stuff like that anymore, which should trouble you since it would greatly impair his decision making process.  Not such a good thing in a guy whose motto was developed by the Hannibal Lecter Institute of Crazed and Homicidal Adages.

“Arin is a Robotic Covert Operative of the OSS. He has been killed” Buster reluctantly allowed him self to say.

What?

I mean… WHAT!?

Maybe I had something crazy in my eye.  Let me read that again.

So, let me see if I’ve got this straight: Vic introduces a character by proxy last chapter and makse him out to be this big, crazy guy leading some extremists. Then, in the very next chapter, he’s suddenly (and likely from behind) transformed into a robotic OSS operative and then killed off-screen.

The_Fuck_am_I_reading

 

“What?! Killed?! One of my best friends?! (SOB)” Ursula cried out.

Best friend!?  You just said he was a traitor who tried to be your mate just so he could steal technology!   What the fuck!?

“Now then, he was brought to life by the aid of the complex computer used and the biological circuits surgically implanted throughout his body. The technology used was called the J.A.M.C. This means the Jaggernaut Alpha Matrix Computer” Buster said as he showed Ursula a picture of the Technologically Advanced Facility based deep with in the heart of the Jaggernaut Empire.

Oh good, another random empire that comes the fuck out of nowhere and is stationed in yet another corner of the formless void.  As if we didn’t already have enough of those floating around.

Also, is this saying the “Jaggernauts” originally brought Arin to life, or that they brought him back to life?  It’s an important distinction at this juncture.

“So he is clinically dead?” Tesren asked as he sat down.

The better question is to ask if he’s engineeringly dead.  Machines can die and be recovered a lot easier than biological constructs can.

Buster nodded lightly and then turned away to recall the mistake that had been made in the reactivation. “And there were complications as well. One of them was when in the last stage of reactivation, Arin came on line with the Alpha Matrix Computer and override the security and used the computer to gain access to the manufacturing Facility based here in this city.

Luckily the quantum hasimometer wasn’t completely depolarized.  By shunting antimatter through his field stabilizer they were able to boost the output through the omni-directional neural matrix in order to compensate for the fluctuation in the equalization frangilator.  Unfortunately, that didn’t really accomplish anything useful, but it was damn neat.

He made a completely new look for him self and added things such as the ability of flight.

WHAT!?  He used a computer program to change the way he looks!?  And to fly!?  Vic, I don’t think you understand how computers work.  Which is sad, since your profile on Wikifur says you were going to school for a degree in IT.

He then had the ability to kill for the making of more half-machine wolves.

I have to admit, I had to read that a few times to figure out what the hell it was supposed to mean.

Arin then escaped the Jaggernaut Tech Advanced Facility and created right way his own pack of wolves.

Honestly, I’m starting to lose track of all the antagonist groups.  Especially since so many of them end up joining Buster anyway.  I’m still waiting for the I.N. to show up in his office and beg to make him emperor.

These wolves though are partial machine like him self.

Wait, wait, wait.  Are we talking Borg wolves here?  We are, aren’t we.  Fuck.

He therefore is a threat to society”

Hello pot!  I have a kettle I’d rather like you to meet.  It has something it would like to tell you.

Buster then put his paw down on a leather book and opened it to the page that said Arin Must be stopped!

Granted, he’s not going to do anything other than stating that it must but done.  Actually ordering troops to do stuff would require action on his part, and he’s not really about that sort of thing.

United Omega Pack

Oh… goooooooood.  So we jump from one asshat to a completely different asshat.

Arin sat in his black marble seat over looking through the window of his office at the activities out side.

OK, Arin, so far we know that you’re a crazed wolfen cyborg who kills other wolves and turns them into cyborgs in order to create your own pack.  The motto of which is, and I quote: “ANGER, HATE, MAD, TRECHERIOUS AND UNFORGIVING Is We.”  You also have a history of manipulating women in order to steal technology.

So, knowing that about you, your mission is to somehow become less likable than Buster.  I know, you don’t really have much of a start, but I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

He then looked at the distant horizon that led to the heartland Of the IN Pride Lands. “Soon I’ll own that land. King Slazenger can’t stop me and my undead minions now!” Arin thought, as he looked deeper into the horizon.

Nope, the power-hungry necromancer angle isn’t really doing it.  You’re still more likable than Buster.  Try harder, dude.

He than made a low groan and then pressed a button on the arm of his chair. The chair swung around slowly but noisily. He then opened the door on the opposite side of the room.

Boring us to death with unimportant minute descriptions of your chair is a step in the right direction, but we need more.  Maybe kick some orphans or eat a baby seal.

The door was a heavy-duty bay door and opened with a squeaking metal noise. Arin then got up and walked over to the wardrobe he had just on the left side of the door.

Wardrobe!?  GAH!  Not the clothing porn!

He put on a vest that was thick and had two large openings on the back.

Wait, that’s it?  You put on a vest with wing holes and then we’re done?  That’s a pretty weak attempt at clothing porn, and an even weaker attempt at foreshadowing.

Man, I keep hoping that maybe one of these antagonists will be able to be less heroic than Buster, but no matter who they are, they still deserve protagonist status more than him.

He the stepped out side to a large working place filled with homes built in the walls of the mined mountain of Wolves. The mountain was a large mountain located just 150 or so miles from the

*GASP*

Are we finally going to get a location so we know where in the world this is!?

just 150 or so miles from the IN broader.

*Sigh*

I really need to stop getting my hopes up like that.

All right, so this part of the formless void is 150 miles from a much more populous part of the formless void.

He then walked down a narrow catwalk to the right to a much larger door that had a star symbol on it with the Greek letter Alpha in the middle.

When in doubt, GREEK!

As he got to the door, he pulled a patch of fur from his left arm and pulled a long wire with a 9-pin male computer connection on it.

Really? His super-secret link-up to get through the high-tech door is a D-9 serial cable?  Was he cobbled together form 1980s surplus computer hardware?  What next?  Is he going to whip out a 56K baud modem?

He the pushed it all the way into the female 9 pin connection on the side of the large door.

Thrilling.  Next we’re going to get to watch him entering hyperterminal commands to open the door and wondering why it isn’t synchronizing correctly.  Twenty-four pages later he realizes that he forgot to set the parity bit.

What the hell is wrong with a keycard and an iris scan!?  Hell, this was written in 2002.  At least use a firewire connection or something.

As he was waiting, a little hard disk was making a little bit of noise from inside the door.

It’s having trouble keeping up with that screaming 19,200 bit TXT speed.

Then finally the connection came lose and Arin put the wire and connector back inside of his body and closed the small patch of fur around it.

I bet he comes with all the bells and whistles.  Parallel printer port, PS2 mouse and keyboard combo-connector, super-VGA monitor support, sound blaster 16x card, 3.5 inch floppy, and a P5 Pentium overclocked to 75 MHz.  Man, this guy is one sweet rig.

The door then opened very loudly and fast at least.

Hey, it’s taken this long to open already, so no need to hurry at this point, door.

Inside the room was a converted United States aircraft hanger.

That narrows down the possible locations that this could be to… uh… just about anywhere in the world.

Oh well, at least we know the formless void is still on Earth.

Inside were wolves assembling all kinds of things from weapons of mass destruction to parts for future Untied Omega’s.

Wow, WMD’s and an unfulfilled possessive sentence fragment.  I can finally see the evil effort!  You could totally become worse than buster at this rate!  Now, go eat a basket of puppies or something!

Arin came to a stop behind the young adolescent wolf who also was a former member of the Dorgana Pack.

Turning kids into zombie wolf-borgs.   Another tally mark in the Jerk column.

His name was Talisman, younger brother of Tesren and former Sigma wolf.

So, by association, since Arin is also Tesren’s brother, then Talisman is also Arin’s brother.  I wonder why the prose decided to use Tesren as the relation of note and not Arin, who the scene is based around.

I’m getting the distinct impression that Vic forgot that Arin is Tesren’s brother.

Arin ordered the young wolf to turn around.

SHOW. ME!

Talisman turned around with a pair of night vision goggles surgically implanted over his eyes.

What the hell is the point of that?  If you’re just going to sew goggles to his face, seems you’d be better served just leaving the goggles removable.  That way the kid could see during the day.

Plus: YOU’RE FUCKING WOLVES FOR CRAP’S SAKE!  You don’t need night vision goggles to see in the dark!  So all those goggles do is restrict his field of vision.  Congratulations, Arin, you have successfully created a race of half-robot zombie wolves that are significantly less effective than before the conversion.

*Slow clap*

Arin, you’re really gunning for Buster’s position as worst lion.  But you’re not quite as ineffective and assholish as he is.   So far.  I’ve got high hopes.

“Yes master, what is thin bidding” Talisman asked with loyalty in his voice.

Dude, that’s a good question.  What the hell IS “thin bidding?”  I’ve heard of a lot of different kinds of auctions, but never one that used thin bids.

Hmm, maybe it’s a reference to bids made in a thin market?  Kind of a weird time to bring it up, but I suppose it’s as good a place as any to discuss market theory.

“I’m going to have you accompany me on a mission. The mission is to sneak into the massive military compound deep with in the IN Pride lands.

*AWOOGA*

Oh, the new contrived plot alarm is going off!  That means we’re about to read something really stupid!  Yay!

Once we have infiltrated the compound, we’ll severely damage the compound internally and externally” Arin said as he reached down to help his younger brother with the night vision goggles.

Maybe you should just bomb it or something.  What’s the point of building all those WMDs if you aren’t going to use them?  I mean sure, yeah, it’s technically an atrocity, but you’re building your own personal army of zombie-cyborg-wolves.  Atrocities are kinda your thing at this point.

“Ok, then Arin. Will we get the chance to have our revenge on brother Tesren?” Talisman asked.

Oh, hey, Vic did remember!  I’d have never predicted that in a million years!  I guess that counts as a plot twist.

Also, no, dude, the mission is to infiltrate the IN, revenge will have to wait until you’re actually going in the right direction.

“I don’t right now care about that useless excuse of a brother. You know that I am the oldest and should at least have had the chance to become the leader of the Dorgana pack” Arin said with a lot of anger and harassment in his voice.

Are these emotion filled voices part of the cyborg-zombie transformation?  If so, I’m thinking I’ll pass.

For a guy who supposedly has no memories anymore, he sure has a lot of memories.

“Well what if we never get the chance?” Talisman replied.

You say, “Bummer,” and move on?  Hard concept, I know.

Wait, you have the ability to create zombie-cyborg-wolves.  Even if he dies before you get a chance to kill him, you can just convert him and then kill him.  Part of being an evil organization is creating your own opportunities.

Crunchy is such a bad influence.

“I’m far more powerful than Tesren, Tal, I’ll get the chance sooner or later, you can count on that” Arin said looking around.

See, no problem.  Now get back to work!

Damn rights! You have the strength of a bulldozer and the intelligence of great unimaginable depths!

So, what, Arin is as smart as a deep pit?  Actually, that’s true, if not really what you were trying to say.

I’ll just add “barely able to outwit a hole in the ground” to Arin’s character map.

We will have our revenge!” Tal yelled and put his arms around his older brother in a brotherly embrace.

When I eventually get my zombie-cyborgs, I’m going for the less emotional model.  They just get more done since they don’t have to stop and hug every 20 minutes.

Arin put his paw on his brother’s shoulder and then put him on the ground, as Tal was not yet completely grown.

And never will be because of the whole undead thing.

Arin walked away with a small smile on his lips as he looked over the other things being made in the old aircraft hanger.

Really, that was your entire purpose of coming in here?  Telling Talisman that there’s going to be a mission at some point and then some mustache twirling followed by a hug?  Dude, you’d get more done if you learned to use a phone or something.

IN Pride Lands

Greaaaat.  I hope we get something more interesting than two paragraphs of building porn this time.

King Slazenger was looking over some of the files his famous bloodthirsty Gestapo officers collected from various places al over Africa.

So, he’s got the Gestapo collecting random files in Africa?  Oooh, scary.

Next he’s going to have the SS collate those files.

“Letz see here zen

*GONG*

Vic, take your fake German accent and go fuck yourself with it.

the Outland Empire owned by King Buster iz not lately cauzing any problemz, but this packs of wolves, Untied Omegas haz been making frequent trips here?” He said to him self.

Yeah, they did sort of come right out of nowhere, didn’t they.  Which should sound kinda familiar.  Wasn’t that kind of your thing, Slazenger?

“Datsoner! Arrange an attack on the pack of wolves known as the United Omega’s!” King Slazenger yelled as he took to a computer terminal built in his desk.

Good plan.  “Attack wolves” may lake specifics, but it’s pithy.  And still better than any of Sorin’s plans.

With that, there were hundreds up hundreds of choppers in the air, hundreds of tanks lined up out side the 3 mile mine field and thousands of ground troops starting to march into Outlands but only to attack the United Omega pack.

I’d call that overkill, but then I have no idea how big this zombie pack is supposed to be.  Plus, they have functioning WMDs.  Honestly, I’d be bombing the place flat and then covering it in a 20′ layer of concrete.

Ground troops against a Necromancer also seems like kind of a bad idea.

United Omega Pack

Okay, the rapid-fire scene changes are making me dizzy.  This is the last scene before I’m calling it for the week.

Sir! This is commander Deaten! Report to the look out station ASAP!” The PA system announced.

There’s like lots of tanks and shit coming.  Maybe we should have thought a little harder about this whole “attack a city with 27 million people” thing.

“What? Oh what ever” Arin said.

Are we sure this isn’t Buster in disguise?  He shirks responsibility with the same deft indifference.

“Well I needed to see if these wings will work to day, so what the hey!” Arin said as he put his work aside.

Megalomania, check.

Just one more for Awesome McEvil bingo!

He than pressed a button on his desk and the wall to the right moved away to unveil the outside.

Uneccesarily complicated door?  CHECK!

BINGO!  We have another Awesome McEvil!  This makes like what… five or six now?  Let’s see, we’ve got Kahn, Arin, President Goofy, Professor Xavier, Nuka, Slazinger, and Buster.  Wow, we’ve actually got seven of them.

Actually, come to think of it, the Awesome McEvils make up more of the cast than the good guys do.  In that there aren’t any good guys.

Well, there was, but she’s sitting over there in the corner, polishing her knife collection and glaring at me.

*Points at Swenia*

“I’m not glaring at you, idiot; I’m glaring past you at your computer monitor!  It is not my fault if you just happen to be in my glaring field.”

Great, another intern who’s going to verbally abuse me.  Makes me appreciate the subtle affection of nut-based pies.

*Ginko-nut pied*

They aren’t true nuts!  Ginko trees have nut-like seeds.

*Panda oleosa pied*

That’s better.

Arin walked over to the balcony and out of the two slots in his vest on the back, metal wings sprung from his back.   He fly higher and higher to the look out station and landed be hind Commander Deaten.

I’d explain why metal wings without a propulsion source would not ever produce flight.  But, honestly, there are far more glaringly stupid things going on in this fic.  And it’s essentially the same as my earlier lecture of why winged humans couldn’t actually fly unless their wings were crazy-big.

With a loud metal thudding noise, the wings were folded up and stored in his back once again. “Holly crap! They finally worked!” Commander Deaten said in aww of his Leader.

Unreliable prototype wings are definitely something you should use as a leader during a crucial situation.  That never ends badly.

“Yes, what is it” Arin asked. “That’s what I called you here for, look”

“Ew, dude.  Lookout duty is so not the appropriate time to try on thongs.  It is rather flattering though.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jeez.  You tell one thong joke and everyone freaks out.

Not now!” Arin yelled.

Told you that it was an inappropriate time for the thong modeling.  Now you’ve got Arin mad at you.

“What shall we do sir?!” Commander Deaten yelled with confusion in his voice.

Maybe put some clothes on and get back to work?

Arin turned around to face the computer terminal in the look out station. “Now it’s time we see if this pack has the repulsing ability.

Da-fuk?  Is repulsing ability a thing?  Is it a zombie thing or a kind of emergent programing from all those Sinclair ZX80s you’ve been cramming into them?

Arm computer operated tactical system? Yes. Arm mortar guns 1-23?

So “repulsion ability” was fancy talk for “arm-mounted-mortar cannons?”  That’s not the stupidest thing I’ve ever read, but it’s up there, since it’s not really an ability, and it doesn’t repulse so much as blow-up.

Unless of course repulsion ability refers to the pack’s bathing habits.

Yes. Arin then jumped over the rail into the elevator belong.

Great, now Arin is poorly narrating his life.  It’s like there’s some kind of narration disease sweeping through this turd.

He activated it and was on his way down to the surface.

Because the gods forbid you have a good vantage point during the battle in order to better direct it.

And with that, the first half of chapter thirteen comes to a close.  Join me next week as we find out if the IN can squash the undead menace.

Until then, patrons!

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65 Comments on “808: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Thirteen Part One”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    Buster’s Pay Back

    What is he paying back for again?

  2. The Crowbar says:

    Inside were wolves assembling all kinds of things from weapons of mass destruction

    We have wolves here now?!

    • leobracer says:

      I take it you missed last week’s chapter?

      • The Crowbar says:

        Well… I guess playing Cookie Clicker, reading this, listening to music and also playing around with Blender all at the same time wasn’t the best idea…

      • TacoMagic says:

        Presenting Crowbar and his musical blender!

      • The Crowbar says:

        *snerk* I just had FTL’s soundtrack on an infinite loop while making a replica of the souvenir lighthouse that’s on my table. Now I just have to figure how… THIS. STUPID. UV MAPPING WORKS GODDAMMIT!

        *The Crowbar starts strangling his monitor*

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Wow, you can model?

        I’ve tried, and failed miserably.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I actually started this Sunday. I can do some complicated shapes, but by God, applying textures for a newbie like me is near-impossible. First you have to unwrap it in UV (U and V is X and Y in the texturing department). And imagine taking, for example, a cardboard tree or a bush and then unwrapping it into 2D like you did with cubes in school.

        Then you need to untangle all the faces and edges from each other (for those who don’t know, all 3D modeled objects are made of faces. Even spheres. No matter how detailed and round you make the sphere, it’ll still be made of thousands of faces like a cube is made out of 6 faces)

        Then you need to apply the image to the right faces, or the whole thing will look off. Then there’s the problem of image stretching, and seams…

        UV mapping can become a real fucking nightmare if your model is complicated.

        Oh, and also, you need to create materials too. Atleast in Blender. There’s an entire Node system for it. You can mix different types of materials to try and make it look more realistic, and so on.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Wow. Now I know how my parents feel when I start talking about alpha-beta pruning.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Hue’?

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh, it’s some sort of search algorythm? Goddamn, I took a look at it and my first thought: “Holy shit, that looks complicated”

    • And now there’s zombie cyborg wolves as well.

  3. leobracer says:

    I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on here.

    I’ve watched shitty children’s shows that make more sense than this!

    • TacoMagic says:

      Yeah, I think the plot got spooked and ran away sometime around when the sandstorm the size of Siberia caused a fertile glen to magically appear in the middle of the wastes.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Buster woke Dagger up and sent him to help his mother in the kitchen.

    Buster’s treatment of Zira isn’t just chauvinistic. I’m thinking Kinder, Kuche, Kirche…..

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    King Slazenger was looking over some of the files his famous bloodthirsty Gestapo officers collected from various places al over Africa.

    “Letz see here zen the Outland Empire owned by King Buster iz not lately cauzing any problemz, but this packs of wolves, Untied Omegas haz been making frequent trips here?” He said to him self.

    And the self-identified Nazi faction continues to do nothing bad. Yes, his Gestapo are referred to as “bloodthirsty”, but they appear to be operating more like a regular intelligence agency than the real Gestapo’s enforcers.

    Also, apparently these Nazis have an actual monarchy and not a military government.

    I’m not sure which idea is more disturbing- that VT is such a terribad writer that his protagonists come across as worse than Nazis and his Nazis come out friendly, or that he deliberately made the Nazi faction the most sympathetic one in his world.

    • They do seem to have the Germans’ obsession with paperwork pretty down pat.

    • X Equestris says:

      Don’t forget that Buster’s government is supposed to be a constitutional monarchy.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Hey, in a real constitutional monarchy, the monarch doesn’t technically have that much power! Seriously, how much power does the queen really have over in England. Or at the very least, they’re not that powerful.

        It’s not like this where all the power is had by the one guy!

      • X Equestris says:

        That was my point. He claims to have a senate, but we never see it do anything. The supposed Nazis are probably more like a real constitutional monarchy.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Ah, fair enough, fair enough.

      • X Equestris says:

        You know, it’s kind of a running theme. If a fanfic author claims that their character is in charge of a constitutional monarchy, the government is probably really an absolute monarchy.

      • The Crowbar says:

        They probably write “constitutional” because it sounds fancy.

      • X Equestris says:

        I’d say it’s because modern society doesn’t look kindly on absolute monarchs.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        In the case of the IN, “King Slazenger” seems to be going over intelligence briefings (from the Gestapo??) and determining whether or not to deploy troops. That implies that he is head of his country’s executive authority like the American President, but he could also simply be a high-ranking officer. If so, it’s entirely possible that he is a royal who served in the military and rose up through the ranks like any other soldier.

        It was about the time that America developed a 75% crime rate and the Imperialists apparently killed off or exiled all female citizens that I began to suspect Victor Tarses might not be thinking through how his eight million different enemy factions are actually run…

    • X Equestris says:

      What’s really sad is that we’ve seen worse things out of Buster’s OSS than we have out of the Gestapo.

  6. He then had the ability to kill for the making of more half-machine wolves.

    Ghostie’s brain hurty.

  7. “Yes master, what is thin bidding” Talisman asked with loyalty in his voice.

    How does one express loyalty with their tone of voice?

  8. Untied Omegas

    I can fix that for you.

    :gets out ropes:

  9. X Equestris says:

    I didn’t notice this last week, but there probably shouldn’t even be wolves in this fic. Gray Wolves don’t live in Africa anymore, and the Ethiopian Wolf is the most endangered carnivore in Africa. We can add biology to things Vic has no clue about.

  10. Herr Wozzeck says:

    This is some kind of uncomfortable tableau of potentially violent mental illness. I feel quite disturbed.

    Hm…

    Fraug!

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    You remember where you mentioned he had his own pack dedicated to killing stuff because capslock?

    Well, he forgot that he had the character play “I had relatives that were victims of the Holocaust” card for cheap sympathy points earlier, so really Taco, what do you think?

  12. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “What?! Killed?! One of my best friends?! (SOB)” Ursula cried out.

    *BAM*

    Goddammit, Ursula, no onomatopoeia! Or do you want me to steal your voice?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Every time a character does that “(SOB)” thing, it makes me think they are calling whoever they’re talking to a sonofab|tch under their breath…

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yeah really… Hell, I bet they’re shouting “parenthesis” when they do it too…

      • leobracer says:

        That was really annoying in Ace Combat 4.

        Because every so often your allies would call out:

        “Die you S.O.B.!”

        It got to the point where I was ready to tear my hair out the next time I heard it.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Which is sad, since your profile on Wikifur says you were going to school for a degree in IT.

    Wait, what!? And he has that pile of epic… I can’t…

    *headdesk*

    WHAT IS THIS!? WHAT IS THIS!? WHAT IS MY LIFE!?

    *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    King Slazenger can’t stop me and my undead minions now!

    *snerk*

    That may be the most unintentionally hilarious name ever!

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    “Well I needed to see if these wings will work to day, so what the hey!” Arin said as he put his work aside.

    What the–?

    *headdesk*

    Arin, you’re in Africa, not fucking Equestria! Why the fuck are you saying that!?

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, if it wasn’t for the atrocious pacing, titanically hateful protagonist, hideous SPaG, anthropomorphic(??) everything, and COMPLETE INABILITY TO MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE, this setup would put me in the mind of the earlier Command & Conquer games:

    You’ve got tons of factions with wildly differing ideological makeups; some recognizeable national powers and some not; all either morally ambiguous or cartoonishly evil; all fighting for control of an African continent essentially reset to open land by some bizarre natural catastrophe; all wielding a fantastic assortment of rule-of-cool military technology that ranges from the 2010s to the 2050s… as imagined in in 1992. Alliances are formed, leaders are made and broken, logistics is somehow ridiculously easy, and the future of the world power structure is decided by duking it out on thirty million square kilometers of sand with no civilians to worry about.

    In the hands of a competent writer or game designer this could have been quite the fun little action/sci-fi romp. But no. That plotbunny had to go and turn itself into this

    • The Crowbar says:

      I’m sorry, I know your rant was important, but the game you referenced sounds so much fucking fun!

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        ‘m afraid that specific game does not exist, because Victor Tarses is incompetent and wrote A Jedi’s Density instead.

        It does, however, remind me very much of two C&C games, Command and Conquer: Tiberian Dawn and Command and Conquer: Red Alert. I’d strongly urge you to look into them, I think Dawn was released for free a little while ago.
        (They both have a number of sequels, but while Tiberian Sun and Red Alert 2 weren’t at all bad, they didn’t compare to the originals, and it went downhill from there).

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh, right! I have Red Alert, but haven’t gotten aroudn to playing it yet…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        It has also inspired me to nominate a selection for Buster’s new theme music:

      • The Crowbar says:

        Nice.

      • TacoMagic says:

        You know, now that I think of it, Buster really is like a bigger jackass version of Kane. You know, without any of the ambition. And domestic issues.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Some of these random enemy factions could actually be something good in a C&C-style game. There’d be Russian and American interests fielding factions, obviously, and stuff going on at home (maybe the ludicrous crime rate in America is because of an influx of refugees from Africa and that’s what’s compelling them to expand while parts of the continental US fall to other factions?) but in addition to that…

      The I.N. could basically be a fascist regime without all the uncomfortable trappings of actual real-world neonazis- they arose out of the chaos of the Nuclear Summer and want to bring order to the continent, very disciplined and fanatical in a secular way, good production and weapons stats but very brittle and highly vulnerable to things like cyberattacks, stealth, and espionage. Instead of all of the uncomfortable racial baggage of the Nazis they could be hyper-egalitarian and meritocratic, turian-style, heck they could be majority black Africans since those were the people who would be most willing to join a faction that made the trains run on time after what happened to their homes… I.N. sounds like a better name for some other faction (Incorporated Nation for the Imperialists, maybe?), so these guys could take on the name of an existing organization like the African Union or maybe they’re an existing country that slipped into fascism during the Summer, South Africa, Egypt, or Nigeria maybe…

      The Imperialists could be a corporate venture, coming out of the Persian Gulf or Southeast Asia to get ahold of New Africa’s mineral resources, they don’t call themselves the Imperialists but other factions do because they’re after the same things the British and French were 150 years ago…

      “Omega” could be radical transhumanists, possibly an R&D division of another faction that collectively read too many cyberpunk novels and went rogue, they want to basically bring about Singularity by cyborging as many people as they can, weak weapons and industry but far and away the best tech… keep the name Omega because they basically want to usher in a new age of humanity, they’re not run by an AI or anything like that, they’re just all crazy computer nerds…

      YOU SEE, VICTOR TARSES? YOU SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO NOT SUCK?

      • The Crowbar says:

        Man… This is much more interesting than A Jedi’s Destiny.

        AND I STILL HAVEN’T SEEN ANYTHING ABOUT STAR WARS YET!

      • Taco keeps saying it’s coming soon, but I’ve yet to see any evidence that there’s anything to do with Star Wars in this thing.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I’m thinking the Nuclear Summer itself could be caused by some sort of major physics experiment disaster (not just hitting a Greek thing with a sword, mind you, I’m thinking more Half-Life 1 level) in the center of Africa, or the violent unearthing of some kind of alien tech there (hey, you want Star Wars? Make ’em dig up an old Imperial ship!). Either way, something that opens up a whole host of new fundamental forces and materials to explore in addition to releasing enough energy to completely cleanse the continent. Basically some major scientific event to explain how Omega is able to go from building a better PS/2 port to cyborging people in just [ERROR: WORLDBUILDING NOT FOUND] years.

        Not sure what Buster’s faction would be (although I like the name “Outland Empire” for it!), other than maybe That One Faction that everyone hates and stops fighting each other to bring down. We see that they’re basically a giant cult of personality, even more so than Omega and their Dr. Arin obsession, they have racial policies that would make the United African Union collectively physically ill, and they keep their people in sheet-metal shacks…

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        You know, since we’re going for an early-90s vibe for this whole thing, and cyberpunk Omega in particular, I think I know where they came from.

        They were originally working for the Incorporated Nation / Imperialists / screw-it-let’s-just-cut to-the-chase-and-call-them-MNU, and being ultimately a cartel of coprorations and private military contractors, everything was carried out on a company-by-company basis: Omega is, in fact, the rogue R&D division…. of Microsoft.

      • The Crowbar says:

        DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNN

      • So Team Omega will get halfway through the invasion and then stop working?

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Although if we do go anywhere with this we’re going to have to determine chronologically when the Nuclear Summer and larger African Crisis occur, because that will affect whether or not China could get involved, and whether the Russian contribution comes in the form of the Soviet Union or Russian Federation.


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