795: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Eleven

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: 
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Warning:  This week we have institutionalized racism to add to the list of crap Victor is trying to pass off as heroic.

Well, I made the dubious choice of reading this chapter before riffing it.  On the one hand, it’s good to know your source material so you can be sharper about tearing it apart.  On the other hand I got a nice little preview of our “hero.”

Before we get started this week, I’m going to take the opportunity of retiring the “Our Hero Ladies and Gentleman” counter from this fic.  Suffice to say, Buster is no hero. Not even close.  Even as an informed hero he rings just too false.  This guy is just such a mix of apathetic uselessness and pure evil that continuing to count all the times he lives down to his characterization is really more work than it’s worth.

So, long story short, Buster is a villain and it would take a monumental task of phenomenal writing to redeem the character.  And Vic has shown neither the ability to perform phenomenal writing nor the apparent work ethic to take on a monumental task, so there’s no expectation that Buster will ever become more than a lazy villain with delusions of grandeur.

So, now that that’s out of the way, let’s plow into chapter eleven; in which Buster manages to sink even lower.  I know, hard to imagine.  Herr, you may just want to go ahead and get Alma ready because you’re gonna hit the ceiling when we finally get to where we’re going.

But first, let’s have a word from president goofy!

United States

The president was now in the process of finding out why PX left and disappeared.

So, you’re in a country with a crime rate of 75%, and you are still wondering why people might choose to go somewhere else?  If you were the guy who got elected, I’d hate to see who you ran against.

He spent most of his time in his secret office looking through papers and what not to determine what happened.

As opposed to important things like lowering the crime rate or trying to put together a global defense force to deal with the new Nazi super-power that sprung up in the middle of Africa.   Those things can wait until you figure out why the Russian mad scientist would dare to leave a crime-ridden US.

He also was in great trouble with the Imperialists.

This would be the second time the Imperialists have been mentioned in the fic.  Word for word, I’ve mentioned the imperialists more than the author has at this point.  It’s like Vic keeps forgetting that they exist.

I keep hoping that the Imperialists are the Empire from Star Wars.  Finally I’d have somebody to root for.

The president the turned on the TV and listened to a reporter from the Chicago times commenting on the Imperialists.

*Facepalm* *Headdesk*

Seriously, Vic?  You can’t tell the difference between a TV news channel and a newspaper?

“By now the Imperialists were running most of the United States in a brutal and strict way.

Not to mention inefficient. Even by standards set by evil organizations, a 75% crime rate isn’t really conducive to evil.  If you’re gonna be all brutal and strict, you need to aim at doing something with that aside from brewing anarchy.  Can’t do much with anarchy.  Unless your goal is severe heartburn.

Most of the people living under their power were mostly women and children.

How in the land of crap did they manage that?

Actually, I really don’t want to know since it either it involves killing all the men because reasons, or something extremely sexist.

Their husbands might as well have been killed or they are working in the Imperialist buildings in every city, town, village or hamlet.

Or it’s even more stupid than that.  If they have enslaved most/all the men, THEN THEY STILL FUCKING COUNT AS BEING UNDER THEIR POWER!!

What is so godsdammed difficult to understand about that, Vic?

Never having the right to go home to their wives and children, they work with fear building on their minds and souls as this new government takes over.

It’s important as a writer to never show your audience this kind of takeover.  Otherwise they might actually believe what you’re trying to write.

The President now had a choice between giving up or fighting.

Only now?  You know, that kind of call usually happens near the beginning of a takeover, not near the end when your actual choices are “fight and die” or “live and be enslaved.”  Way to drop the ball on that one, President Goofy.

“Mr. Valekahn, Please report to my office” The president said as he took a long sip from his cup of coffee.

Kahn is back!  YAY!

The least offensively bad character in this fic finally returns!

*Waves foam finger*

Mr. Valekahn was in PX’s old office rummaging for signs of betrayal in PX’s things when the president’s call on the PA system stopped him.

Evil scientists are VERY competitive.

They also kinda suck at respecting personal boundaries.  Probably something to do with the evil.

He walked out of the office and entered the president’s office on the far side of the hallway.

*Facepalm*

What the fuck!?  Why the fuck would the evil Soviet scientist have his office directly adjacent to the Oval Office!?

Also, if his office was just across the hall, WHY DID HE HAVE TO WALK SO FAR TO GET TO IT IN CHAPTER 9!?

“Yes sir, what is it?” Mr. Valekahn asked sitting in one of the chairs provided.

“The management sorta forgot that you were part of the plot so decided to have you show up for a bit appearance to make it seem like they know what they’re doing.  Feel free to go back to what you were doing.”

Well its high time we take action against these Imperialists” The president said handing Mr. Valekahn an order form.

I’d say high time has come and past.  Now you’re looking at desperate times and measures.  Right idea, different cliché.

*SLAM*

Seen it Before: 11

Mr. Valekahn then got up and left the room and found a terminal were he connected to the DOF (Department Of War).

Wow, their acronym department really needs some work.

Also, for future reference, Vic, actually doing 5 seconds of research would have shown you that the proper department for this situation was the Department of Defense (DoD).

However, since Kahn is a corporate CEO and not a cabinet member or General, likely he would be a contractor and not have any jurisdiction to give orders to the DoD, so I have no idea why the president isn’t following the chain of command on this one.

Oh wait, yes I do know!  It’s because the Vic couldn’t write his way out of one of these:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

And that’ it, that’s where the scene ends.

Outlands

Everyone brace yourselves, it’s going to get bad fast.

In the morning, Buster served Zira her breakfast in bed.

Nothing earns breakfast in bed more than helping to hold down a child while your spouse beats the shit out of him.

Buster looked around and found Dagger just sitting on his bed still quietly crying to him self.

Probably wondering what the fastest way out of the fic is.  Worry not!

CRUNCHY! ELIZA!

*Raptors appear inexplicably in the room*

Prep the literary transporter and the darkwraith dive team.  I think we’re going to need an extraction before this thing is over.

“SIR!”

*Raptors rush out*

Hey!  Eliza, where’s my-

*Breadnut pied*

That’s better!

Buster moved over to the kitchen table and cleared off a spot to eat. “Damn Brat!” Buster said to him self as he pealed a piece of pizza off of the table.

So they didn’t even clean up the mess!?  Just left it all strewn about and went to bed?  Jeez, they could teach college kids lessons in slovenly living.

Buster then sat down and started to eat a wildebeest breakfast bar.

I’ll gladly admit that I spent more than five minutes trying to figure out why Buster has a breakfast bar in his kitchen that serves nothing but wildebeest before I figured out what that sentence is actually trying to say.

He looked around him and after long few minutes, Buster got up and put his black OSS suite on and left his house.

Yawn.

I’d hope this was going somewhere, but I know where it’s going so I kinda hope it’ll just suddenly stop existing before I get to the end of this text brick.

After he had gotten into his office, he put some papers down on his desk.  He hung up his jacket as he did when he was concerned about something.

That’s kind of a weird thing to do when you’re worried.  But, I guess worry can do strange things to people: some pace, others get really twitchy, and I guess a few compulsively hang jackets up on things.

He then walked slowly dragging his feet to his desk and sat down with a thud in his leather seat.

Man, it was a long tiring walk across the street to the office.   I have no idea how he’s going to get up the energy to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.

“Send them in Rezit. I don’t have all day” Buster said pushing a button down on a microphone.

Indeed, the nothing ain’t gonna do itself, and he’s got one hell of a blank schedule to tackle.

“Buster looked up the door opening.

Dammit, now Buster is narrating his life in third person.  Zira has been such a bad influence on him.

And there was a lioness and a Leopard standing right in front of Buster.

GAH!  Damn ninja cats!  Stop appearing out of thin air like that!  Use the door next time!

Buster motioned them to sit down. They sat down holding paws and as Buster was about to make his long speech, he noticed they held paws.

Pretty mild PDA if you ask me.  At least they didn’t start dry-humping on his desk.

“Before I begin, Swenia, the reason why I have summoned you from your pride is to rule out any problems we have with each other.

QUICK!  This is your chance to list all the problems you have with Buster!

And I think your relation With Radon is a little awkward” Buster said pointing at Swenia’s paws in Rasuma’s.

Well, they’re probably just in that awkward first stage of dating.  It’ll mellow out as they get deeper into the relationship.  I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Buster.

“We love each other a lot Buster” Radon said as he looked up at Buster staring down at him in disgust.

Uh, oh.  My asshole sensor is going off.

“Please Buster, it’s totally legal for us to be mates” Swenia said under her voice.

And why the hell wouldn’t it be?  Everyone here is a breed of large cat, so free love and all that, right?

“Not under this law it isn’t. You’ll follow the law or I’ll have to exile the both of you.

Oh, you fucking asshole, you’re going to go there, aren’t you?  Not enough that you glorify assaulting a child, but now we’re going here, aren’t we?

And furthermore, You’ll have to take a lion as your mate” Buster said as he sat down.

All right, stop right there you self-righteous puddle of rectal discharge!

Are you seriously, seriously saying that you cannot abide by an interracial couple and instead need to preserve the purity of the lion race?  To the point where you are mandating she be forcible mated with another lion rather than the person of her choosing?  You are essentially saying you would rather have this woman raped in a “pure” relationship of your choosing than allow her to be in a relationship with somebody of a different race.  Are you seriously so stupid that you can’t see some very disturbing parallels between the IN and yourselves?  Is it that hard to see the staggering similarities between the racist, totalitarian police state ruled by Buster and a group who identifies themselves as Nazis?

I mean, this is pretty fucked up, Vic.  Your hero, IS A FUCKING NAZI!  Totalitarian rule, racism, xenophobia, interest in maintaining a pure race, extremist nationalism, compulsory military service, a callous disregard for violence, and so forth!  Holy shit, Vic!  What the fuck is wrong with you!?

“But…” “But nothing! I talked to the O.S.S. and they believe that it’s not even morally right” Buster snapped at Radon.

Seriously, why isn’t the I.N. trying to recruit Buster? I bet he and the new third Reich would get on famously.

“Then exile us you dope!” Swenia yelled and got up threatening Buster with a boot knife.

ELIZA!

*Raptor appears in a puff of smoke*

Add Swenia to the extraction list.  She’s entirely worth saving.

*Raptor vanish*

Hmm, guess I don’t’ get another pie.

This fic really needs to suddenly be about Swenia and Radon’s exile.  They form of a new, free society of anthropomorphic big cats from the cast-offs of Buster’s efforts to breed a pure race of lions.  It would be about their seemingly doomed fight against the totalitarian aristocracy that Buster has set up while at the same time carrying out acts of sabotage against the new Nazi regime and making it look like Buster did them.  That would be an amazing fic!  Too bad we’ve got this pile of shit instead.

“For that little out come, Swenia, I’ll sentience you to 2 months of solitaire confinement in the prison OPMC!” Buster yelled at the top of his lungs.

Obligatoire Pomme de terre, Mon Cherie?  That’s a weird acronym to toss at the end of your sentence.  Though I guess obligatory potatoes would be a pretty harsh sentence to a carnivore.

“You can’t do that!” Swenia yelled back holding the knife to Buster’s throat.

Stop playing with him and just kill him.  Trust me, the world would be far better off for everyone.  Especially for his son.

“Swenia! Settle down luv! He’ll kill you for that!” Radon snapped at Swenia.

Dude, whose side are you on?  She’d got a knife to his throat!  Even if he is able to back away before she acts, Buster is in a pretty lousy position to kill her.  She’s got a knife, he’s got… uh… Stu power.

You know, on second though, Radon has a point.  No matter how awesome Swenia is as a character, there’s no way she can compete against a Blackhole Stu of this magnitude.  All she’s got is a knife.

Not kill, solitaire confinement sounds a whole lot better to me” Buster said as he gashed Swenia’s hand sending the knife to the other side of the room.

Dammit, Swenia!  This is what you get for not stabbing him in the heart immediately.  I’ll forgive you because you actually stood up to this ass-bag for all the right reasons, but next time I want to see better follow-through.

Also, as a guy who doesn’t actually mind a few hands of solitaire every now and then, I think there would be worse prisons to get sent to.  Well, provided they didn’t do something diabolical like give you a deck with a missing ace.

“I’ll wait for you when your sentence is finished dear” Radon said holding Swenia.

Way to just roll over and take it, Radon.  I have a feeling she’s not gonna wait for you.  She’ll find a minxy little snow leopard in C-block who’s actually got a spine.

“Leave Radon” Buster ordered. After Radon was gone, Swenia and Buster were literally fighting as Buster attempted to put her in handcuffs.

Wow, Radon, you really, really suck as a mate.  Not even going to stick around and help fight off Buster.

Also, shouldn’t there be some soldiers or something to do that?  Why is the “king” all up in the handcuffing biz?

After Buster had control, he slapped Swenia across the face and then handed her over to the OSS for movement to the OPMC mining prison.

Wow.  So that’s the kind of ruler buster is.  He handcuffs somebody and then assaults them once he’s got control.  Now only that, but a person who dares disagree with him is sent to a LABOR CAMP!  I should not have to tell anyone here what that fucking sounds like.

Let’s review all 4 of Buster’s actual actions in the fic.  I’ve already gone over at length that Buster doesn’t do jack shit to earn his position, but let’s look at the actual things he does do.  There are only four of them, so this won’t take long.

The first was to declare martial law during the assault on his city.  A thoroughly stupid thing to do since he SHOULD have been concentrating on reducing casualties and damage to the city.  It speaks volumes that, at it’s core, Buster’s kingdom is essentially a military state more than anything else.  And, since he’s a King presiding over a Senate, his declaring of martial law effectively overrules the senates authority.  So, his first action paints him as a militaristic totalitarian.  Great.

The second action he makes is to beat his child after much mischief was had in his absence.  In a house about as child-proofed as a firework factory.  A child who only got into mischief due to an extreme case of neglect on his and Zira’s part.  So, his second action paints him as a horrible father, a hypocrite, and prone to willful and unnecessary violence.

His third action is to forbid interracial marriages for the reason of racial purity and demands that the perpetrator of this ‘crime’ be forcibly entered into a relationship against her will.  This makes him a racist of the most frightening and dangerous kind.  Not to mention a rapist.  I don’t care that he’s not doing the physical raping himself, he’s set down a LAW that forces women to be raped.  That makes him fully accountable for that atrocity as if he did the acts himself.

His final action is to assault an unarmed prisoner and intern the prisoner in a labor camp.  This reinforces the characterization of him being willfully violent while at the same time showing that he has neither compassion nor even a basic a sense of morality.

So, Vic, I have to ask you:

WHY IN THE NAME OF THE TWELVE FUCKS OF HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IGNOBLE, EVIL FUCKWAD IS A HERO!?

Hell, there are comic-book villains who are more cut-out to be heroes than Buster.  He makes Magneto look like a fucking saint!  I’d almost rather see Doctor Doom as a sympathetic protagonist.  This thing makes all those Loki romance fics look perfectly reasonable!

Gah!  We need to move on before I start getting really abusive.

After Buster had sent Swenia away to the Outland Prison Mining Company, he set up his office for a visitor.

Great, what are you going to do to this one?  Beat them with a bag of oranges until they agree to a peace treaty?  Make them suck you off so that you agree to send humanitarian aid to help out some orphanages?

Buster cleaned off his desk from his and Swenia’s hair from the fight. Buster then cleared up the cuts on his arm.

Boo-fucking-hoo.  I hope they fester and you die of sepsis.

Just as he was to eat his lunch, a young adolescent lion came through the door.

Given Buster’s track record with kids, I have deep foreboding.

“Sir. Status report as follows. No new sightings of I.N. Pride Landers at this time.

As it turns out, they realized we have a lot in common and are planning on leaving us alone.  In fact, they sent a gift basket filled with cookies.

New weapons dealer ship open for business in Basement of this building.

The fuck is a weapons dealer doing selling firearms out of a government building?  Then again, this is a totalitarian regime; all of the buildings are technically government owned.

PX has requested a shipment of Ak-47’s, .9 mm’s, M-16’s, Uzi’s and experimental Magnum Uzi’s.

Ah yes, a load of generic weapons, half of which are useful for the kind of combat you’re likely to face.  Vic, step away from the video games for a few minutes and do some actual research on weapons.  Especially given that the professor is supposed to be a Russian ex-intelligence agent.  First off, asking for an AK-47 is pretty damn generic, but then, all of those weapons are extremely generic. Honestly, if this is supposed to be a modern encounter, any Russian military officer worth his salt would be asking for an AK-103 or 108, as they come with better optics and a lighter folding stock.  Optionally, the AK-12 is a modern variant based on the same platform but with a lot of bells and whistles (optics, laser sights, recoil management, noise suppression, etc).  But, there aren’t a lot of those around since the project to make them the new battle rifle of the militar was terminated by the Russian government.

The uzi’s are laughable so I won’t even touch those. The .9mm is like requesting “a handgun” whereas he should be requesting something specific, like a CZ-75 SP-01 tactical (which is a damn good .9mm for military purposes).  The M-16 is a solid weapon series, but again, simply saying M-16 is like asking for any one of several dozen guns.

RESEARCH!

That’s it for the report sir” he said as he headed out the door.

That’s IT!?  You are at war with a country that has the single largest city on the planet while at the same time being the undisputed ruler of your own *mulblety* sized country, and your entire report for the day has 3 items on it, one of which is a shop opening on the first floor!?

Have I mentioned that Buster, as a rule, doesn’t do shit?

Buster looked up from his pigfest and stopped the teen lion.

Vic, do me a favor and never use that word again.  Ever.

“Paxton? Your aunt and I are very proud of you.

THE FUCK!?  What the hell is Saburi doing as a teen!?  He was five about a chapter ago!  Did we time-skip ahead a decade at some point?  My gods but time is all fucking squiggly in this fic!  If you’re gonna skip around in time like this, Vic, we need to know, otherwise it looks like you’re just pulling scene out of your ass.  I mean, I know that’s what you really are doing, but at least try to dress it up a little!

You stayed with your mother even though your friends wanted to play” Buster said as he sat straighter in his chair.

Thanks for telling the audience.  It’s crucial that important character-building scenes like that are never shown.

Sorta like how you didn’t show us the passage of the last 10 years.

Why does this thing suck so godsdammed much!?

“Uncle, I have to go now” Paxton said as he walked out the door.

This scene is awesome if you imagine that Saburi leaves because he can’t stand to be complimented by somebody so entirely disgusting as his uncle.  He leaves as quickly as he can, trying hard to mask his utter revulsion that he has to serve this racist, egotistical, abusive dictator.

And, with that, the chapter mercifully comes to a close.  I know it’s a bit of a short one this week, but the last two chapter have just packed in the soul-destroying sludge, so I’m cutting you all loose early.  Tune in next week as the anthropomorphic wolves show up.

Wait, what?

*Rereads*

Oh fucking hell.

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80 Comments on “795: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Eleven”

  1. So, you’re in a country with a crime rate of 75%, and you are still wondering why people might choose to go somewhere else? If you were the guy who got elected, I’d hate to see who you ran against.

    It was probably that guy who mooned the aliens.

  2. Well its high time we take action against these Imperialists” The president said handing Mr. Valekahn an order form.

    Is President Goofy ordering an army from the PCC?

  3. leobracer says:

    *Snarls*

    This. Asshole. Needs. To die.

  4. Buster then sat down and started to eat a wildebeest breakfast bar.

    Wha? Is that like a wildebeest-flavored granola bar, or an actual brick of compressed wildebeest?

  5. leobracer says:

    ‘anthropomorphic wolves’

    Oh bloody hell.

  6. leobracer says:

    Yeah, I think I’ll take my chances with the Solar Tyrant than this guy.

  7. GAH! Damn ninja cats! Stop appearing out of thin air like that! Use the door next time!

    Ninja cats? That’s funny, I don’t remember … :turns around and sees a carpet of cats in tiny black pajamas:

    ISHI-SENSEI!

    • The Crowbar says:

      Urh… I hate cats.

      • I’ve got three and I love the furry little bastards.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Sorry, I’m more of a dog person. They never scratch or bite you for shits ‘n’ giggles.

        My dog actually likes me.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I like dogs as a theory, but I don’t really like taking care of them. We had several growing up and the novelty of the canid kinda wore thin on me. They’re like having a needy toddler around all the time. I’ve got plenty of those right now without also having a dog.

        Cats are nice and low maintenance, so I went with one of those.

      • Two are the regular low-maintenance varieties, but my big fluffy moron is the biggest attention whore I’ve ever seen. She follows me around like a puppy.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I might not get a pet at all. Ever, really.

        My own paranoia about them suddenly dissapearing one day would eat my heart.

      • I’m constantly worrying that one will get out and something will happen, especially since I live not far from several busy roads, but they make awesome companions. Even the annoyingly clingy one.

  8. And I think your relation With Radon is a little awkward” Buster said pointing at Swenia’s paws in Rasuma’s.

    Who’s Rasuma? Did the character’s name change mid-sentence?

    • TacoMagic says:

      Totally missed that. Must have been another of his sloppy name changes.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Ok, so apparently in addition to her relationship with a lion named after a mildly radioactive gas, Swenia has another family relation named “With Radon” in the room, and there’s a fourth lion named Rasuma there who has Swenia’s paws in his… something. I don’t really want to know what.

  9. Outland Prison Mining Company

    A labor camp where untrained prisoners are forced to do dangerous work so that the State can benefit? Add another point to Buster’s Nazi score.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    You know, I can’t recall the IN actually doing anything fascist other than having a large military and putting a big picture of their leader on a building. They’re pretty much Nazis in name only.

    … are….. are the neo-non-Nazis the closest thing this ‘fic has to a protagonist?

  11. Herr Wozzeck says:

    I mean, this is pretty fucked up, Vic. Your hero, IS A FUCKING NAZI! Totalitarian rule, racism, xenophobia, interest in maintaining a pure race, extremist nationalism, compulsory military service, a callous disregard for violence, and so forth! Holy shit, Vic! What the fuck is wrong with you!?

    And wait, didn’t Vic play the “my distant relatives were victims of the Holocaust” card earlier!?

    *headdkesk*

    Okay, now is when Vic is starting to lose me.

    • TacoMagic says:

      He did, which is why this is so totally fucked up. It’s like the only thing he knows about the Nazis is the holocaust. That’s just a staggering level of very dangerous ignorance.

      • Herr Wozzeck says:

        Yep.

        Man, Fraug is gonna be pissed when he sees this…

      • TacoMagic says:

        Or deeply saddened that people are really this clueless about the Nazi regime.

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        Deeply saddened, massively pissed, and HIGHLY offended.

        Any vestige of being fair to someone who just didn’t get the weight of what they are referencing has gone straight out the window. In retrospect, it did last week with the glorification of child abuse.

        Absolutely no joke, if I was standing in a room with this fuck and he was talking about this crap, I’d find it a stretch to keep from hitting them. And I don’t mean a smack upside the head either. I mean the kind of shot that empties lungs or clips extended tongues with the person’s teeth. The kind where you need to be careful of breaking your own bones as you deliver it.

        This is utter garbage. Complete and utter garbage.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I honestly wish I could pat you on the shoulder right now.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I wish I could email hugs to people.

      • The Crowbar says:

        That gives me an idea…

        Uncle Wrex Day.

        Every year, our favorite Uncle gives free hugs to people who he sees as worthy :P

      • The Crowbar says:

        …Why the hell did I write that smilie there, exactly?

        *Smacks his own head*

  12. X Equestris says:

    ““For that little out come, Swenia, I’ll sentience you to 2 months of solitaire confinement in the prison OPMC!” Buster yelled at the top of his lungs.’

    Sentience? Solitaire confinement? Well that changes the meaning of that whole sentence.

    And Vic is officially a Nazi. Anyone else notice that Buster’s uniform is black? The OSS really resembles the SS here.

  13. leobracer says:

    You know, the difference between the Solar Tyrant, and this guy, is that the Solar Tyrant is not painted as a hero.

    This guy, however, is supposed to seen as a hero, but his actions are clearly not that of a hero.

    The only similarity that they have is that they have the same goal: the extermination of the human race.

    And even then, I highly doubt they would be willing to work together towards that same goal. They’d more than likely kill each other first.

    And if I had to choose between the two of them, I would immediately side with the Solar Tyrant, regardless of the consequences.

  14. erttheking says:

    President who ran against him? It was probably Howling.

  15. Delta XIII says:

    Evil scientists are VERY competitive.

    Heh, ain’t that the truth. I still remember that prank war between me and Insano.
    I never knew beakers could be used that way.

    They also kinda suck at respecting personal boundaries. Probably something to do with the evil.

    Ugh, SO TRUE! Trust me, you do not want an evil/mad scientist as a roommate.
    I mean, leave the house for two hours and suddenly your bedroom is full of weird shark/dinosaur/robot hybrids, the police are asking all these weird questions, and it takes weeks to get the stains off the ceiling.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s like what I have to put up with from Crunchy. Every time his food bowl gets below like 12 kittens, he stands about 6″ away until I fill it back up.

    • The Crowbar says:

      I would love to have a mad scientist as a roommate… Sure, the authorities will be doin’ a lot of questionin’, but the results would almost always be worth it…

      Well, unless the whole damn building gets vaporised, but that’s pretty unlikely, even for a scientist with just domestic chemicals, tools and appliances… Right?

      Right??

      • TacoMagic says:

        I think that depends largely on how many seasons of MacGyver they’ve seen.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh God…

      • Delta XIII says:

        It’s all fun and games until someone tampers in the realm of God.
        Then come the questions, and the lawsuits, and the cyber-sharknadoes…

      • The Crowbar says:

        The lawsuits could be solved by the Mad Scientist.

        Or I would strip him of his title if he can’t solve that issue after creating a giant death robot.

      • So that’s why Ishi-sensei can’t get a roommate. I thought it was just his fondness for leeches.

        “I resent the implication that I am a Mad Scientist, Ghostcat-sama.”

        Oh? So you don’t consider a doctor/alchemist who walks around with a jar filled with puppy-dog eyeballs in his pocket to be a Mad Scientist?

        “Of course not! I believe I possess a very pleasant temperament. I am rarely mad at anyone.”

        That’s not … :sigh: Remind me to help you work on your colloquialisms.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Can I bunk with you, Ishi-sensei?

      • “It would be a great honor, Crowbar-san! Tell me, are you allergic to shellfish, high explosives, or cinnamon?”

        What the hell is the cinnamon for?

        “Tariko-san makes sticky buns every Sunday morning.”

      • The Crowbar says:

        High explosives don’t do much, unless they’re powerful enough to blow up a rather large section of the Library, which probably also means Ghostie would murder you.

        Cinnamon isn’t good for my throat if I eat it, though.

        But yeah’, if those are all the hazards, I think I’ll be fine.

    • erttheking says:

      Goeth: This wouldn’t be a problem if everyone just went through the proper channels with the mad scientist education program. Crunchy’s a Sith Velociraptor and he was valedictorian of 2170. We don’t discriminate.

      But nooooooooooooooooo, everyone thinks they’re such a special snowflake and then they don’t need their certified degree. They don’t have to enlist with the mad scientist guild, or join the mad scientist union, or volunteer at the mad scientist retirement home (Note to self, visit grandma) they just run out and do whatever they want to do without certification. And this is how we can amateur work like this. Anti-lion weaponry *Spits* any real mad scientist would consider something like that easily accomplished with just a minor side effect of any project they’re working on. To make it the main focus of one project is simply pathetic.

      E: Oh god, not again!

      • Delta XIII says:

        …damnit, I knew that degree looked fake!

        Anyway, it hardly matters now. I’m the one that had to take the heat for the crimes against existence, and then there was that thing with the SCP Foundation, and…

        Well, let’s just say there’s a reason I don’t go to the 23rd century anymore.

  16. fledglinghuman says:

    You know, I’ve technically left the PPC, but I might just come back long enough to nuke everything Vic has written here. It’ll be a more cleansing catharsis than my Rainbow Factory spork.

    And I like writing the deaths of things that deserve to die.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Hell, I might take it to the PPC myself. I actually have two missions in the back burner, and one collab that needs to be finished, and one I’ve yet to start: maybe I’ve finally found my key back into the PPC mission-writing thing…

  17. infinity421 says:

    This fanfic has to be one of the worst things I’ve ever read.

    And I just closed Warframe after someone said “Somefinf dor veyhek beacons” in the trading chat, which, retrospect, was better written than this fic.

    • The Crowbar says:

      If Warframe is a fast-paced game, then he was most likely fast-typing. I know, because I’ve been destroying the English language since 2009 in L4D2.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I think this ass-nugget may have finally passed up Tom Brown and Gabriel Hawke as the worst hero ever featured in the library.

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    No matter how awesome Swenia is as a character, there’s no way she can compete against a Blackhole Stu of this magnitude.

    And that is why the PPC steps in!

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Also, as a guy who doesn’t actually mind a few hands of solitaire every now and then, I think there would be worse prisons to get sent to.

    At least it’s not a Freecell prison…

    • Silky says:

      Theoretically, there’s a perfectly legal way to break out of every Freecell prison cell. You’re just probably going to mess it up when you first step into it.

      Or were you referring to “Longing to be Free,” the Freecell/Solitaire fic that was riffed several years ago? That would be a horrible placed to be locked up.


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