788: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Nine Part Two and Chapter Ten

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: 
Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic

*WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AND A SCENE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE.  I RECOMMEND SKIPPING IT ENTIRELY*

Welcome back to A Jedi’s Destiny!  After that nice week off to unwind from this steaming fic, we’re going to be right back in the thick of it this week.  And “by the thick of it” I mean “literary feces.”

So far this fic has consisted mostly of a Furry Civilization player’s wet dream.  We have an inactive blackhole Stu by the name of Buster who has and entire kingdom handed to him by a magical sandstorm.  This kingdom is eventually upgraded to a military state by crushing a greek thingy.  This same event causes his entire population of lions to become anthropomorphic.  I think.  The prose is still extremely fuzzy on when things got all anthropomorphized.  Meanwhile, Zira, the main antagonist from the second Lion King movie, becomes his mate and bears a child.  I kinda think that’s the only reason she’s in the fic because otherwise she doesn’t really do anything either.   So, they actually match pretty well.

Meanwhile 2 of the 3 primary antagonists join up with team Stu in an astonishing derailment of tension, and some kind of militaristic lion-hybrid nation springs up out of a science experiment from one of the aforementioned antagonists.  I guess Buster’s crew is pretty forgiving of the whole “jump started the end of the world” thing that Doctor Xavier has going on.  The other antagonist, Kahn, is MIA and presumed forgotten by the author.

That leads us to now: Buster has just declared martial law, an approaching and unresisted force has just started shelling the city, and Buster saved his own butt by diving under a desk while everyone else in the room died.

What a guy.

Debriefing Room

*A pair of boxers sails into the room and lands on Taco’s head*

Thanks, Crunchy.  Whose are these anyway?

“Ok members of OSS. The current situation is as follows: A Pride that is not part of Outland Peace Treaty has openly and willing declared a state of war against King Buster.

Which means they are the only people left on the planet with any brains.

The Pride goes by the name of I.N.

*Sigh*

Yes, the story does eventually tell us what that stands for.  And yes, it’s stupid.

Now then, Vitani, since you are the leader chosen from the military compound.

Uh, Vic, I think you a few from that.

 I must speak with you in private” PX briefed while opening a door to his new office to show Vitani in.

Vitani is not the leader chosen from the military!  It says less than two paragraphs ago that she’s part of Professor X’s team!  GAH!  Seriously, Vic, try to keep track of your plot a little closer than that!

Vitani looked at her mate and shrugged then followed PX into his office.   “Have a seat sergeant Vitani” Vitani sat down and waited for PX to talk.

You know, you guys are currently being shelled by the enemy, could you go about your business with a smidge more urgency, please?

“What it is sir?” She asked. “It’s about time I told someone whom your up against. I.N. It stands for a human Terrorist organization” PX said slowly before he took a pencil out of his desk.

It turns out that they’re not very good at acronyms.  Unless you write it like this:  human terrorIst organizatioN, in which case you still suck at acronyms, but at least you got the capitalization correct.

“A what sir?” Vitani asked while scratching her head.

Get that girl a flea collar.

 “I.N. stands for International Nazi.

Boom, there it is!  Told you it was stupid.

And look, a new breed of  Nazis are our big bad.

*SLAM*

Seen it Before: 10

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, my be and the rest of OSS should not know what a Nazi was” PX said with a hint of anger in his voice every time he said Nazi.

OK, let me try to sum-up the plot Vic has going here.  First, Prof X, an evil scientist from a Soviet remnant creates human-lion hybrids because reasons.  To do this, he kidnaps some domesticated lions from the Madagascar Zoo, of which Buster is one of.   Ostensibly, Buster was the first failed prototype.  Buster is turned into a human released into the wilds of africa, where he quickly transforms back, finds a cave, and then camps out for a few years while watching Simba and silently judging his rule from the bushes.

During this time, Prof X created a slew of other human-lion hybrids in order to BLUE.  In this same time period the US begins surveillance on Buster.  Aforementioned Buster finds an evil mate and a massive sandstorm happens that wipes out Africa.  At this point the US decides to kill Buster, due to reasons, and Kahn begins developing his huge cache of anti-lion weaponry.  Kahn vanishes shortly after this in a flash of SDQF.  Buster gets a kingdom in the wake of the storm and begins to set up shop.  He also sexes up Zira who pregnants.  A pride happens and then lots of lions nap.

Meanwhile, Prof X sends off one of his other experimental lion hybrids to kill Buster, who instead joins Buster, and the rest spontaneously become Nazis when Russia, who is not in control of the secret Soviet cell, is overthrown by a rebellion of some kind.  There are also clones and some kind of shadow government in control of the US calling themselves the Imperium, or something like that.

Now, following the transformation of Buster’s pride from lions to anthropomorphs, and the magical formation of this Outlands Peace Treaty (due in large part to Greek), these new Nazis form a terrorist organization, give themselves a stupid name, and decide to attack Buster’s tiny African military state rather than any of the world powers.  Likely because all the world is currently being crippled by a 75% crime rate and you don’t really want to conquer something with that shit going down.  Prof X packs up shop and joins Buster, at which point X’s crimes against humanity and lion are forgiven because Blue.

Try not to think about this “plot” too much or blood shoots out of your nose shortly before you wake up at the respawn point.

Battle Field

I guess we don’t get to hear the explanation of who the hell the International Nazis are.

Guns were firing in every direction while the fight was on.

That sounds like a good way to get a lot of people on your own team killed.  Maybe you should teach your soldiers how to aim rather than just tell them to pull the trigger and flail.

Buster was in a new office by the time the I.N. Pride took half of the city by ferrous force.

*Snerk*

Good job, I.N.!  Now you’re thinking with magnets!

Zira was crying in the corner of the office when Buster stepped in.

*GONG*

Vic, tamp down the chauvinism just a few notches, if you could.  Women can have reactions to stimulus that don’t involve crying.  As a case in point, Zira’s general reaction to being attacked is violence and revenge.  Failing that, maniacal plotting.

He with out noticing Alicia dead and ran to her and asked her what was wrong.

Buster doesn’t notice his sister-in-law laying dead beside his wife…

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 33

At least now Zira has a good reason to be crying.  Seeing your sister get killed would evoke that reaction in just about anyone.  I provisionally take back my earlier gonging.

“Zira, what’s wrong dear?!”

*SIREN BLARES*

Oh dammit!

Crunchy!  Give the darkwraiths the new bacon grease launchers and unleash the hungry wolverines!

*A scene of extreme violence later*

A note for the next deployment: controlling the grease back splatter will reduce darkwraith casualties.

 Zira looked up at Buster and then slowly pointing to the lioness that was covered in blood.

“A barely established tertiary character with an informed relationship to us has just died in an effort to both give you a reason to go into a rage as well as provide some tragic back-story.  This is the best thing that’s ever happened to us!  And by us, I mean you!  I am weeping tears of joy for your windfall!”

“It’s Alicia, my dear, beloved (Sob), sister Buster.

*Squints*

Did… did Buster become a nun at some point?  Now I’m not going to be able to picture him without imagining a habit and a rosary.

Those basturds killed her!”  Zira was now crying more heavily when Buster got to his feet to see Alicia.

Uh, where is Alicia that you can’t see her from where your wife is crying over the corpse?  Did she clip through the floor or something?

Buster knelt beside her then in total frustration yelled out with tears in his eyes and an unstoppable rage of emotion.

Huh, he’s raging out.  Who called it?  This guy.

“Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

I’ll kill every last one of you basturds if it’s the last thing I do! Alicia my sister in-law, why did it have to be you!

Please see my earlier note.  It’s often best to kill off tertiary characters, that way you can appear to have tension while at the same time not ruining the masturbatory fantasy.

Related to this is a challenge I’ve leveled at several fic authors early on in their fics: kill off your original character and leave them dead.  It’s a great writing exercise and forces you to try to work in a universe where it’s not all about that character while at the same time providing insight into what changes when a key character dies.  If any of you readers are early on in a fanfiction writing project and have an OC who is also the primary protagonist (or one of them), I level the same challenge at you: kill that OC and see if you can finish the story.  For extra credit, make the death empty and meaningless.  That can be a very useful story tool if utilized well.

If you can’t finish the story with that OC dead, then you may have some problems with your premise that you should address.

Alternately, go back and write a different version of an existing fic where the OC dies before the 25% mark.

Of note, if your writing response to the death of the OC is to fill the vacuum with a different OC who is the same or similar to the dead one, your writing needs work.

Damn you International Nazi basturds!  Alicia! Revenge is a dish best served cold! I’ll hunt these Hitler wannabes to the ends of the earth and beyond!  (Sobbing)”

This serves as a pretty good illustration of Buster’s character.  Lots of big talk, absolutely no action.

Zira got up with Paxton tucked under her chest.

Oh hai, Saburi, didn’t see you there.

When Paxton saw his mother motion less on the floor, Zira stopped him but he over powered Zira and ran past Buster and started to shake Alicia’s head.

Vic, Saburi is 5.  They don’t overpower grown women.  Unless he’s actually full grown like he should be, which he isn’t according to the last chapter.

“Mother, come on wake up mommy! Wake up!” Buster put his arms around his nephew and started to drag him away.

This would be touching if all the characters weren’t so token and uninteresting.

Also, why is this all happening in Buster’s new office?  Shouldn’t that office be in a more secure location?  You know, preferably one that doesn’t come with a dead body?

 

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 35

Vic you just… don’t write good.

“Uncle no! Mother is alright!” Paxton yelled.

It’s really strange that this scene is the only one so far that exists inside the realm of plausibility.  Forgiving the fact that it’s happening in Buster’s new office, both Saburi and Zira are having realistic reactions to Alicia’s death given their informed relationship to her.  Buster isn’t haven’t a realistic reaction, but we can only expect so much from him.

“No Paxton. Your mother has past on. Give her rest Paxton” Buster said calmly.

This from the dude who was swearing an oath of revenge in the middle of a rage about 2 seconds ago.  Realistically, Buster should be schooling the kid to remember this and to use it to fuel his hate of the enemy.

 “No listen to me Uncle. She’s not dead! I felt a pulse in her throat!”    Buster put Paxton down and felt his sister in-laws throat. “Shit, your right Paxton. Zira! Get help!”

*Facepalm*

So, your sister is laying on the ground with non-specific, lethal looking wounds, and you don’t check her to see if she might actually still be alive?  You know, in case she might need immediate medical attention?

frabz-YOU-HAD-ONE-JOB-ONE-FUCKING-JOB-3503a8

And now it’s not even a death of a token character so that things can be tragic and the protagonist can rage out. It’s just a fake death so that we can have a moment of melodrama.

But the worst part?  The narrative EXPLICITLY told us that Alicia was dead.  So, now we can’t trust anything the narration tells us, which is handy because we’re never shown anything in this fic.  Way to go, Vic, you just introduced an untrustworthy third-person narrator in a fic that crutches on narrative to inform the audience of absolutely everything.  I can’t see that alienating your audience at all.

I… just… why am I reading this thing, again?

After Alicia was cared for, Buster took a look out side the window in the infirmary.

I know it’s a little callous, but isn’t there more pressing things to worry about right now than your sister-in-law?  Sure, sure, it’s important that she gets medical attention, but once you told Zira to go get help…

You honestly can’t you think of anything important that’s going on that takes precedence here?  Nothing more important than sitting in the infirmary and gazing out the window?  Nothing?  Nothing at all?

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 34

These lions would be better off with a petri dish of cultured herpes as their leader.

There in the distance was a flag with the Swastika flapping and tossing in the wind.

Man, this infirmary has a really good view of the plot.  Amazing that it wasn’t shelled into the ground during the artillery barrage.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 36

“This is enough” Buster said as he sat down in the chair next to Zira. “I’ll see that this Pride pays for what the have done to you Alicia” Buster said in Alicia’s ear.

Given your track record of actually doing anything, well… forgive me if I seem dubious.  It seems more likely that you’ll make overtures of revenge and then just let somebody else handle it.

Hey, look at that, you’ve already made overtures of revenge twice!  Sounds like you’ve already had a full day.  You should probably plan to take a nap soon.

Anyway, that’s where chapter nine finally ends.  Next up is a rather brief chapter ten.

Chapter 10

Outland Opposition

Huh… finally a chapter heading that isn’t a spoiler.

The I.N. Capital City (I.N.C.C.)

*Facepalm*

Really, that’s what you’re going to call their city?  And since when do terrorist organizations have cities?  I think you don’t understand what terrorists are.  If they’ve got a capital city, they’re a government.  Maybe they still do terrorist things, but at this level they’re a full-fledged a governing body.  Those two groups are handled quite a bit differently when you’re at war with them.

The I.N. Pride capital city was twice as large as Tokyo and was comprised of tall and large buildings that reached into the clouds.

Wh9jL

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 37

Not only is this “terrorist organization” a country, but if they’re rocking a city TWICE THE FUCKING SIZE OF TOKYO, then they are a world power.  Why do I say that?  This city is twice the size of Tokyo, which is the single largest city in the world with over 37 MILLION people in it sprawling over an area of nearly 850 square miles.  And this city is twice that size.

Not ONLY that, but it appeared within the 5 years between Buster taking over the pride and the current place in the story arc.  To lay this out for everyone: 74 million people and 1,700 square miles of city just appears in 5 years out of essentially nowhere.  Even if they took over Tokyo and doubled it, the scale of building necessary to accomplish that in only 5 years would be a building project the likes of which the world has never seen before.  The amount of simultaneous labor and raw building materials would have required a near global cooperative effort to pull off and would have cost several trillion dollars in assets. You would think that would have drawn a bit more attention from everyone.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 38

Among some seZiral hundred buildings was the Largest of all of them.

Uh, yeah, that kinda goes without saying.  Really it’s true of any group of buildings: the largest of all those buildings is among them.

Also, yet another seZiral.  I’m still going with the Vera FAR Zira theory.

On one side there was the swastika over looking the north end of I.N.C.C. On the east wall was a picture of the leader whom was named Tinop Slazenger.

Gesundheit.

So, 10 chapters into this turkey we finally get our main antagonist.  Probably.  Unless Khan suddenly shows up and decides to take his job back.  Honestly, I’d rather have him at this point.  I’ve at least built up a bit of an internal back-story with him, which puts Kahn quite a bit above a suddenly folded-in and generic Nazi regime lead by a dude with a silly name.

He was an elderly lion that was in his late 70’s.

I don’t know, Tinny, maybe you might want to think about getting a replacement lined up for yourself.  Even for American senate members, late 70s is kinda pushing it.

His main was white was snow with some of it cut off to make a buzz cut.

Did… did Vic just describe… a mullet!?

*rereads*

Oh for fuck’s sake!  Our main villain has a lion mullet!

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 39

I don’t care if it’s plausible to have that haircut, any character rocking a mullet automatically gets shenanigans called on them.  ESPECIALLY if they’re supposed to be a scary-ass antagonist.

 The southern wall was just plain windows.

The Western Wall was a picture of Tinop Slazenger’s mate and queen, Ness Slazenger. Ness was not to far behind her mate at her early 70’s.

Wow, two random lions in their 70s take control of a generic evil organization self-styled as Nazi’s and become a world power in only five short years.  Now that’s living an active senior lifestyle!

She on the other hand fur as black as a panther, but she was a lioness.

Either because black is evil, or because she needs to be speshul for the plot.  Either way:

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 40

In their natural state, lions have a very wide gambit of color ranging from tan to beige, get over it, Vic.

Note: There are indeed white lions which are a rare genetic mutation mostly propagated by humans at this point.  Black lions, however, are not a thing.

Inside the building were massive research facilities much greater than the ones found in the juggernaut pride.

Juggernaut pride?  What the hell is that?  Aren’t the two prides we’ve got plenty for the plot’s needs?  Hell, we’ve barely established the ones we have without introducing another!

There was also count less weapons assembly lines, military barracks and other war oriented places to be found in the Senate building of the I.N. and I.N.C.C.

Uhh, if the I.N. is supposed to be built on the Nazi model, why is there a senate building?  Vic, be honest, you don’t’ actually know how fascism works, do you?

Out of the 300 square miles surrounding the city, 95% of that land was a minefield.

That’s going to make commerce rather difficult.  If you’re going to have a super city, you might as well just have gone with some kind of futuristic energy shield.  That would be far less ridiculous than the mine field.

FUN WITH MATH!

If we pretend the INCC is a perfect circle (not a good assumption) best case scenario would be a circle 48 miles in diameter.  This produces a circular city 146 miles in radius.  This would be a minefield approximately 2 miles miles deep surrounding the city.  Seems a smidge overkill if you ask me, especially considering that you could just fly over the city and bomb it.  With all those tall buildings, you’d do significant damage that way.  However, it’s far less ridiculous than the city existing in the first place, so I’ll let it slide.

An estimate of 400 hangers were posted all over the place out side the city limits (end of 300 square mile minefield).

There we are.

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 41

Those hangers should be INSIDE the minefield.  The whole point of a minefield is to protect military installations, so having your aircraft hangers outside of it is just inviting sabotage.

 Here there were any kind of war machine that could kill was found.

Don’t read that sentence more than once or your brain will try to eat itself.

Outlands / Aftermath

Are you kidding me?  You give us 2 paragraphs establishing the city stronghold of your Awesome McEvil Nazis… and then you cut to another scene!?

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT!?

If I were a cynical man, I’d assume that you were just trying to show us how big and bad the bigbad is so that we’re that much more impressed with Buster inevitably takes them down.

Wait a minute, I AM a cynical man!

*SLAM*

Extreme Plot Shenanigans: 42

It took Buster’s military personnel that weren’t killed in the battle, 3 and a half weeks to clean up the mess and properly care for the wounded.

Sounds like the IN are very bad at pressing their advantage.  No wonder they can build a mega-city in 5 years and still not have control of the world.

Buster was not looking through his usual papers when Alicia came in through the door in a wheel chair.

Um, OK.  Are we just going to start picking random things the characters aren’t doing at any particular moment and use that to build scenes?

If so, I’d like you all to know that I’m not juggling my usual geese right now.

Buster looked at her and from knowing Zira, she was upset.

You know you’re wife is in a serious bad mood if you can tell just by looking at her sister.

“What is it Alicia?” Buster asked. Alicia looked at the ground and started to cry. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, Alicia” Buster asked while looking at her.

Mr. Sensitivity.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 35

 “Umm, uh, the doctor said I will never walk again” Buster took off his glasses and got up.

For those keeping track, we now have 2 defined features of our main protagonist.  First, his mane is gray and second, he wears glasses.  Truly some rich characterization.

He walked over to Alicia and put his arm around her and said that she will persevere.

It’s important not to show this.  You might accidentally drum up some emotional interest in your characters if you start having their reactions described to the audience.

Zira then came in and saw Buster holding Alicia and with that she Knelt on the ground and embraced her sister.  They all were crying when PX came in the room.

If Professor X joins in on the crying hour, I’m done.

“Well what’s the matter with you guys?” PX asked as he laid a folder of paper down on Buster’s desk.

Honestly, it’s refreshing when the character who is supposed to be callow and insensitive acts that way.  Rather than when Buster does it.

Buster looked up and saw PX running through some vid screens on the O.S.S. Security System prototype.

No, dude!  Don’t run through the vid screens!  Those are expensive and-

*CRASH*

Dammit, professor, every week we go through this.

The computer took PX to an outside connection. While PX was working with the security computer, Buster wheeled Alicia out of the office for PX to have less noise to bother him.

Thrill as the professor Googles stuff!  In Buster’s office.  I guess we know who wears the daddy pants around here.

“Buster?” Zira asked whipping some tears from her eyes and still a little bit of a tremor in her voice.

GAH!

Dammit, Zira, what did I tell you about sneaking up on the audience!?

“Yes, what is it Zira?” Buster said looking at her.

I’m trying to read that without hearing Buster saying it with annoyed contempt, and failing.

“I’m going to have another cub” She quickly and hastily made out.

Oh… great.  Yet another poorly named and pointless addition to the character blob.  Mazel tov.  May he or she bring your SQDF much bland featurelessness.

“What, another cub you say?” Buster eagerly asked. “Yes, another cub, Buster” Zira looked at her mate and with out warning, gave Buster a long and compassionate French kiss.

You can feel the passion just oozing off the page.

Oh wait, that’s just a glob of mutagen.  I guess Crunchy was playing with Goeth in the kitchen again.

After she backed away, Buster had the damnedest smile starting from one side of his mouth that reached over to the other side.

Ah yes, one of those “damnedest” smiles.  It has all those important qualities of the damned, only more so.

*GONG*

That’s not how you describe things, Vic.

Now smiling with a huge teeth beard smile, he motioned for a guard to take Alicia home.

What the heck is a teeth beard?

I don’t really want to look it up, but… FOR SCIENCE!

*Googles*

beard_teeth_by_beardin-d4hx0ag

Good thing I never needed to sleep again.

After Alicia was gone, Buster picked Zira up and walked home carrying her all the way.

So, you have nameless guard take your sister-in-law home rather than do it yourself because you need some celebration sex.  Maybe you should give her mate a call and have him take her home.  You remember him, right?  The nameless lion who fathered Saburi?  Not ringing a bell?  Oh well, moving on.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 36

When they got home, Dagger had made a mess of every thing in the cave.

You left your 5-year-old kid alone at home!?

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 37

Serves you right, asshole.

The stove had some kind of meat burning and stinking up the kitchen, clothes were every were, The TV was on with some kind of killing movie, there were lit cigars in ash trays, cigarettes all over the floor, etc.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 38

Not only do you leave your 5-year-old home alone, but you leave all that shit out where he can get it?  What the fuck is wrong with you, Buster!?

 “Dagger! Get your ass out here!” Zira yelled as she jumped for Buster’s arms. “What the hell! Come here you little shit storm!” Buster yelled as he picked up a dirty magazine from under the couch.

YOU LEFT YOUR PORN OUT WHERE YOUR 5-YEAR OLD COULD GET AT IT!?

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 39

You’re really angling for the new “Worst Parent” sucktastic award next year, aren’t you, Buster?

 “Zira, look” With out any words, Zira started to run through the cave looking for Dagger. As Zira closed in on Daggers room, she caught the sight of fur running past her.

Run, Kisu!  Get far away from these horrible people as fast as you can!

“Get back here you brat!” She screamed and tried to stop but ran into the corner of her bed room door. “SLAM! Shit you Dagger! Buster! Get him! He’s headed for the door!” Zira yelled almost starting to cry.

Sometimes, when I’m really angry, I still don’t’ resort to screaming onomatopoeia at my kids.

Profanity is another matter, but I don’t scream “SLAM!” at them.

But she knew if she were to cry, Buster would literally beat the crap out of Dagger.

Oh, hell no!  You’re getting a 5-pack for that, Buster.

*SLAM* *SLAM* *SLAM* *SLAM* *SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 44

That’s it you little POS! You made your mother cry!” Buster yelled running to the door. Zira looked up from her bruised paw and quietly began to cry with a small little smile on her lips. “I love you Buster” She said in her mind.

Yeah, it’s not every man who is willing to beat the shit out of his kid because his wife accidentally smacked her hand on a door.

Fuck it, you get another one for that, asshole.

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 45

This would fill me with slightly less rage if it wasn’t supposed to be a comedy scene.  Slightly less, but not much.

“CRASH!” Zira looked up to what the crashing noise was.

I think Buster said that one.

At this point, Buster catches his son and lays into him.  Not in a restrained spanking way, but in a pounding on a 5-year-old child with his fists way.  Oh and then Buster rationalizes it with “look at what you made me do” when the kid ends up getting hurt.  This is supposed to be our hero.  Fucking deplorable.  I’d root for the empire, but in this case it’s the Nazis.  I’m just gonna root for Palpatine swooping in and blowing up the planet with a death star or something.

Anyway, I’m skipping the rest of the scene and replacing it with this:

*SLAM*

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen: 100

Author, you have fucking issues.  Do not, under any circumstances, have children.  Based on the way you’re treating domestic abuse of a minor, you would make shitty father.  Hell, if you find this post, send me an email, I will pay for your vasectomy straight up out of my own pocket.  Not kidding either. I will do it to prevent the potential that future children might have to suffer through something like this.

I mean, a spanking is one thing, but this… this is way, way beyond that.  So yeah, I’m not even going to legitimize it by posting the rest of that scene here.

The only other thing I will post from this chapter is this last bit:

After Buster and Zira were in bed, Dagger still crying in his room, Zira snuggled in closer to Buster’s body. “You were going to make love to me, right Buster?” Zira asked liking her bruised paw.

Yup, nothing gets Zira hotter than hearing her son crying in pain after a beating.  You know what, I’m expanding this counter to include both of them.

*SLAM*

Our Heroes, Ladies and Gentlemen: 101

Buster turned his head to face Zira. “No not really. It’s actually about that lion Simba spotted awhile back on the old hill. It was Nuka”

If I gave a shit, this would… still not be a cliffhanger.  Did you forget that you already told us Nuka was still alive and was all Kano’d?

*Sigh*

Vic, as I said in the last riffing, you suck balls at writing.  I’d like to think you could get better, but I doubt it.  Do everyone a favor and stop.  And if you already did stop, don’t ever start again.  Based on this chapter alone, the failures you’ve had at publishing your novel are wholly deserved, both from a standpoint of Karma and from a standpoint of our total lack of aptitude.  Take that failure to heart and delete everything you’ve ever written.  Including the backups.

I don’t often tell people to destroy their creative property, but in this case, your writing is better off never having existed in the first place.

I’m done this week.  I may continue with this next week, but we’ll see.  I’m going to read up some more and make sure we’re past all the domestic abuse and holocaust trivializations.  If we’re not, I may dump this in the slag pile and find something less malevolent to read.

*peeks ahead*

Oh great, next up is racism.  This is fast becoming my answer to Herr’s riff of Gabriel Hawke.

Until next week, patrons.

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71 Comments on “788: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Nine Part Two and Chapter Ten”

  1. The Crowbar says:

    Goddammit…

    International Nazis?

    Are you really so dry of ideas that you use nazis as the evil guys now? Are you fucking kidding me?!

    I would rather pick Markiplier and his squirrel kingdom rather than this over-used piece of shit plot device or whatever.

    • erttheking says:

      As opposed to the Regional Nazis. You gotta make that clarification.

      And Nazis can be used well *Nods at Metro Last Light* but only if they have a reason to be there.

  2. The Crowbar says:

    ““You were going to make love to me, right Buster?” Zira asked liking her bruised paw.”

    What.

    What?

    What?!

    WHAT?!

    WHAT IN THE FUC- You know what! Fuck you! This Author-

    YEAH, BECAUSE NOTHING TURNS A MOTHER ON LIKE SEEING HER HUSBAND ABUSE HER OWN 5-YEAR OLD CHILD!

    GodDAMMIT, it’s obvious that this fuckwit has NO idea what he’s writing about!

    • TacoMagic says:

      On the one hand, true. On the other, Zira is canonically a terrible parent, so I wouldn’t put it past her.

      • fledglinghuman says:

        She did kind of get off on essentially the entire premise of “My Lullaby”, and that was a 50/50 of ” gonna maim Simba and his pride to death ” and “gonna train my baby boy to be Scar 2.0″…

  3. Now then, Vitani, since you are the leader chosen from the military compound.

    Since when does the military elect leaders?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    the leader chosen from the military compound

    Have a seat sergeant Vitani

    Their highest ranking officer is a sergeant?? No wonder they can’t respond effectively to shelling, they’re just a little militia…

    “It’s Alicia, my dear, beloved (Sob), sister Buster.Every time the dialogue does that, I can’t help but reads it as the speaking character calling someone else a sonofabitch under their breath…

    “I.N. stands for International Nazi.

    The name makes it sound like this “terrorist organization” is in fact ONE PERSON, a Nazi who travels a lot.

    You know what, I have no trouble at all believing that Buster here could get his city conquered by a single guy in a replica SS uniform.

    “I’m going to have another cub” She quickly and hastily made out.

    Oh god, the My Immportal sex scenes are back!

    Tinop Slazenger

    “Regnezals Ponit”…. Ok, if the name makes MORE euphonic sense backwards than forwards, you have a problem. And this is coming from the guy whose last character was named Psk’nyor-Ch’hon.

    some kind of killing movie

    Somebody’d better get 1757back to the SCP Foundation before they notice it’s gone…

    Zira asked liking her bruised paw.

    Not the sickest thing we’ve seen in this ‘fic, but that’s still… pretty sick.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I was actually going to do some anagramming on Tinny’s name to see if I could come up with something workable, but I ran out of time so I cut it from the final draft.

      Kinda regret not doing it, but the last two weeks have been crazy for me.

  5. Buster left cigars, cigarettes, and porno mags out where his five year old could play with them? And not only was the stove left on, but there was food on it? They’re lucky the place didn’t burn down.

  6. Oh, you fucking asshole.

    I volunteer to donate to the vasectomy fund.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I just remembered that he lives in Canada, he could probably get a vasectomy for “free” there.

      Which he really should.

    • The Crowbar says:

      Ghostie. Just tell your ninjas to take a katana. That one is supposed be pretty good for an instant and guaranteed vasectomy.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Also permanent!

      • Colonel deFraug says:

        *The Colonel looks up from the longsword he’s sharpening.*

        There’s a bit of a difference between a vasectomy and a castration, Crowbar…but either seems justified in this case.

        Hmmmm. I wonder if I could actually pull off a vasectomy with a Type XV and a soldering iron.

  7. The Crowbar says:

    Emh’… On a completely different note, I think Fanfiction.net has bitten the dust.

    • TacoMagic says:

      It’s currently working for me. Or is there some news somewhere that they’ll be closing the site soon?

      • The Crowbar says:

        It just throws me this error:

        An error occurred during a connection to http://www.fanfiction.net.

        Invalid OCSP signing certificate in OCSP response.

        (Error code: sec_error_ocsp_invalid_signing_cert)

      • TacoMagic says:

        Try clearing your cache, maybe? Site works fine for me. Latest forum post was about 12 seconds ago.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Didn’t work. But it works on Internet Explorer…

        ?!

        Oh God, IE is so awkward to move around with…

      • TacoMagic says:

        Not really sure what the issue is, then. You’re getting a cert error on a site that isn’t using https, which isn’t supposed to happen. Since you can get there from a different browser, likely something is screwy with your browser of choice.

      • The Crowbar says:

        I looked around a bit, and apparently everyone with Mozilla has that problem, but every other browser works fine. Some think that the new update or something is screwing it up.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’ll do my best to appear surprised. ;)

      • The Crowbar says:

        Wha-? Surprised about what?

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’ve never been particularly impressed with Firefox as a browser, nor Mozilla as a company. The product as a whole filled and exploited a niche of security by obscurity early on in the browser wars simply by being not Internet Explorer. Honestly, that’s the only good thing I’ve ever been able to say about it, at least it’s not IE.

        So I’m never surprised when people have problems with the product.

      • The Crowbar says:

        Oh. People have always told me it’s a rather decent and reliable browser…

      • TacoMagic says:

        It’s been coasting on the reputation that it got early on when the only thing it had to compete with was IE. Now that things have evolved, there are a lot better choices out there, but everyone has been programmed to use FireFox because of that early reputation. Now it’s essentially filling the same spot that IE had as the default browser before FireFox came along.

        It’s not a bad browser for the most part, and security wise it’s pretty comparable to IE while still being faster. But, by that token, it would be hard to be slower than IE.

      • TacoMagic says:

        Something to try:

        m.fanfiction.net

        That’s the mobile version. Should have a lot of the more active features disabled so it might work even if FF is otherwise having cert issues.

  8. X Equestris says:

    I think my brain just ate itself. I just…there are so many things wrong with this story. If this is the best he can do, then I’m not surprised that Vic never found a publisher. I really hope he doesn’t try to self publish, either.

    • TacoMagic says:

      I searched a few of the self-publishing sites for his book and didn’t find anything. So if he did self-publish, he either renamed the book or published on a very obscure site.

      Also, if he did self-publish, he must have used his real name, because his online name doesn’t bring up anything either.

  9. leobracer says:

    *Dials cellphone*

    *In a cold tone of voice* Are you done with the decontamination?

    *A crate comes crashing through the roof and slams in front of Leobracer, a notepad lands at his feet*

    Thank you.

    *Writes name on the notepad, the crate opens up showing a refurbished Battle Armor, which then opens up, and Leobracer hops into the cockpit*

    If the newspapers say that an anthropomorphic dictator has been killed by a man in a Battle Armor, don’t call the SPECTREs.

    *The Battle Armor closes up, and Leobracer flies off to Africa.*

  10. I.N. stands for International Nazi.

    :sigh:

    Dude, could you have been more obvious about making this group the Big Bads? And you didn’t even get the name right! I assume you picked it just because of its many (rightly deserved) evil connotations, but “Nazi” is an abbreviation of National Socialist German Workers’ Party – which means you named this group of anthropomorphic lions located somewhere in Africa the International National Socialist German Workers’ Party.

  11. erttheking says:

    Taco, I wouldn’t mention what Prof X is doing around Goeth. When it comes to other mad scientists he can get

    *Goeth runs in and shivs Professor X* G: STAY OFF MY TURF!

    ….Competitive.

  12. leobracer says:

    *The Battle Armor bursts through the wall, with some blood on its hands, the cockpit opens up, and Leobracer steps out, still pissed*

    Honestly, where did this self rightous jackass get the gall to call his bastard protagonist a hero, yet have the monster be abusive toward his child?!

    What, did he think we would feel sorry for his bitch of a mother, because it was supposetly his fault that she cried?!

    Boy am I so glad this asshole never published. Because if he did, ooh do you not want to know what I would have done to him if he did.

  13. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Seriously, Vic, try to keep track of your plot a little closer than that!

    Taco, this fic stopped making sense eight chapters ago. Why are you trying to make him make sure it makes sense now?

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Unless you write it like this: human terrorIst organizatioN, in which case you still suck at acronyms, but at least you got the capitalization correct.

    Hey, you know what? At least it’s not a fucking bolded letter message!

  15. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That sounds like a good way to get a lot of people on your own team killed. Maybe you should teach your soldiers how to aim rather than just tell them to pull the trigger and flail.

    You know, I’m sure they hired someone to take care of that. Of course, said someone turned out to be Kye-Stu…

    • TacoMagic says:

      First step, you hold the pistol sideways.

      Second step, pull the trigger several times while waving it at your opponent.

      Third step, reload.

      Repeat until you either hit the other guy or run out of bullets.

      • The Crowbar says:

        *snerk*

        Wave it like Kirk in that new Star Trek game. Top right, bottom left. Fire a bullet each time. It’ll be like Saturday Night Live.

  16. Herr Wozzeck says:

    (Sobbing)

    Oh, great, and he put stage directions in parentheses, too. Whoop-de-friggin’-doo.

  17. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Vic, you just introduced an untrustworthy third-person narrator in a fic that crutches on narrative to inform the audience of absolutely everything.

    I seriously didn’t even think that was possible!

  18. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Tinop Slazenger.

    *spittake*

    What the fuck kind of name is that!?

    *headdesk*

  19. Herr Wozzeck says:

    It took Buster’s military personnel that weren’t killed in the battle, 3 and a half weeks to clean up the mess and properly care for the wounded.

    So once again, Victor Tarsus decides that actually showing Buster’s roaring rampage of revenge is too much work.

    *headdesk*

    What the fuck is this shit?

  20. Herr Wozzeck says:

    [huge teeth beard smile]

    MOTHERFUCKER!

    *is blown back*

    Good God, it’s like The Annoying Orange’s leftovers!

    • The Crowbar says:

      Never understood why everyone loved him. He was like this annoying neighbour who always wanted to play on your much better PC but then annoyed the ever-living fuck out of you.

  21. Herr Wozzeck says:

    Oh and then Buster rationalizes it with “look at what you made me do” when the kid ends up getting hurt.

    So the parents left all this shit lying around, and then they beat his ass up for finding it? And that is how he rationalizes it?

    *headdesk*

    This is just… I can’t even…

    *headdesk*

    Is Victor for fucking real here!?

  22. X Equestris says:

    After reading the entirety of the scene involving domestic abuse, I think Buster’s going to easily win the Worst Parent award. It would be a landslide. I mean…there aren’t any words. That scene speaks for itself.


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